How to understand that it is time to end a friendship. You rely too much on communication on social networks

Friendship is one of the phenomena that makes our lives better. A friend will always support, help and cheer you up in a sad moment.

But what if friendship instead brings only sadness, despair and anxiety? It seems that you are building illusions, and there has been no friendship for a long time, only a habit remains.

How to determine whether a friendship is alive or not, the following 8 signs will help you.

1. You are the only one who stays in touch.

It’s unpleasant to realize that only you need communication with this person, while he is doing just fine without you in his life.

Such friendship can easily be called one-sided and false, because harmony and mutual understanding are simply absent.

How long will all this last? Until the one who is in need finds a friend who will be more responsive, or until the one who is needed gets tired of the intrusiveness of the first.

2. You feel a sense of competition

Work, family, home – you want everything to be better than your friend’s. But is friendship made for competition? Rather, for support and mutual assistance.

If the feeling of competition haunts you all the time, then there is a chance that this is not friendship at all, but support for the concept “Keep your enemies close to you”

3. You don't feel trustworthy.

Trust is a key concept in both relationships and friendships. This is the very trait that brings together completely different and strangers in this world since ancient times.

To betray trust means to betray friendship or betray love. Trust is very difficult, and sometimes impossible, to regain, so friendship with wounded trust is often doomed.

4. You have more drama than friendship.

Conflicts are also possible in friendship, because all people have their own interests and do not want to sacrifice them. But remember that healthy conflict comes down to compromise, not endless drama.

Watch how you conflict with your friend, if it’s just shouting and emotions, without a share of common sense, then one day it may all end there.

5. Your friend is jealous of your other friends.

Friendship does not oblige you to be friends and communicate with only one person; it can hardly even be called friendship. There are people who capture your attention so much that they don’t want to share you with anyone else.

Sometimes it’s nice or flattering, but later you realize that this is a gross violation of your personal space and freedom of action. Don't allow this to happen.

6. They bring out the worst in you.

“A bad example is contagious” - everything is exactly like that, because the society in which we find ourselves, one way or another, shapes our picture of the perception of the world, basic values ​​and general morality.

Communicating with a person who initiates you into lying, stealing, and aggression towards others will never make you a better person. Such friendship will only bring you grief and disappointment.

Know how to choose friends and social circle; it is also important to develop the ability to remove people from your life who make it worse.

7. Your friend betrayed you

Betrayal by a friend can mean two things: something is wrong with your friendship or something is wrong with your friend. If it's about friendship and it's important to you, talk to your friend and find out what's going on.

If it’s about a friend and his character, worldview, then think again about whether you really need to have a traitorous friend.

8. Friendship is maintained by nothing but time.

Quite a lot of people are faced with the fact that they have been friends since childhood, but after a few years they become completely different people and friendship becomes more of a burden.

Yes, it is difficult to break off a friendship that is 5, 7, 10 years old, because this is a considerable period of your life, and you spent it with this person.

Remember that people change and that's normal, you don't have to be the same person as your childhood or youth friend. That is why you have the absolute right to choose who to be friends with and who not to be friends with.

From: popsugar.com

It happens that you have been friends for many, many years, perhaps even since childhood, but over time a gap grows between you. It seemed like there was nowhere for it to come from. You didn’t quarrel, didn’t argue, and there wasn’t even a misunderstanding between you, but something went wrong. Let's try to figure out what exactly broke.

Do you remember how you made friends as a child? All that was required for this was a good mood, a new toy or something else minor. And there were also many reasons for quarrels. Today we had a fight - and tomorrow we will be bosom friends forever. And everything is so easy and simple.

Over the years, everything becomes more complicated. It seems like you are quarreling less and less, but if quarrels happen, then they are in smithereens, and sometimes there is a complete collapse, without the possibility of returning everything back.

What should you not do to prevent your friendship from becoming enmity?

Stop forgiving her everything. She is constantly late, forgets about her debts, abandons you in difficult times, but you forgive everything, because you are the best, forgiving and understanding friend. But with time she, a friend will sit on your neck and will consider that you are obliged to do this. But when the freebie ends, she will be wildly offended, and perhaps accuse you of all mortal sins.

Don't give advice. It sounds strange, but it's true. Everything is fine in your life, and you are trying to help your friend, give her practical advice, which is possible. once helped you too. But my friend’s head is spinning: “She constantly gives me advice, she thinks that I can’t do anything myself!”

Don't make a vest out of your friend. Nobody likes to constantly hear about how bad everything is for you. And believe me, the longer you talk about your problems, the further away your friend will be from you. Stop making a vest out of your friend - and your friendship will last a long time.

Don't step aside. when at a friend's trouble. Never leave a friend in a difficult situation, otherwise you will immediately lose her, and then you will regret it for a long time. After all, you probably rely on your friend’s support when you are in trouble. Know that she expects the same.

Don't show off your wealth. You invite her to cafes, restaurants, shops where she cannot afford anything. Or you shower her with expensive gifts. You think that this is normal, but she is worried that she cannot repay you in kind, and in general that compared to you she is almost a beggar.

If you don't know what to talk about on your first date with a man, don't panic. It is not surprising that people, while feeling nervous when meeting, become confused and feel awkward due to the pauses that arise.

32 ideas on what to do at home during the holidays, how to keep your child busy

To the question “What to do on vacation?” the children will answer: “Rest!” But, unfortunately, for 8 out of 10 guys, relaxation is the Internet and social networks. But there are still so many interesting things to do!

A teenager and bad company - what parents should do, 20 tips

In bad company, teenagers look for those who will respect them and consider them cool and cool. So explain the meaning of the word “cool.” Tell us that in order to arouse admiration, you don’t need to smoke and swear, but learn to do something that not everyone can do and that will cause a “wow!” effect. from peers.

What is gossip - reasons, types and how not to be a gossip

Gossip is discussing a person behind his back not in a positive way, but in a negative way, transmitting inaccurate or fictitious information about him that discredits his good name and contains reproach, accusation, condemnation. Are you a gossip?

What arrogance is is complexes. Signs and causes of arrogance

What is arrogance? This is the desire to hide your complexes and low self-esteem by putting on the mask of a winner. We should feel sorry for such people with a sick EGO and wish them a speedy “recovery”!

15 rules for choosing vitamins - which ones are best for women

Choose your vitamins correctly! Don’t be fooled by colorful packaging, fragrant and bright capsules. After all, it's just marketing, dyes and flavors. And quality requires a minimum of “chemistry”.

Symptoms of vitamin deficiency - general and specific signs

Symptoms (signs) of vitamin deficiency can be general and specific. Based on specific signs, you can determine which vitamin is missing in the body.

17 tips to relieve stress and nervous tension without alcohol

It is unlikely that in our time of bustle and fast pace of life you can meet a person who would not need advice on how to relieve stress and nervous tension. The reason for this is the inability to correctly relate to life's troubles and stressful situations.

They say that without true friendship, life is nothing. And what a blessing it is to have a devoted friend who will be with you in joy and sorrow, who will come to the rescue when you especially need it.

Only true friends can understand that something is wrong with you, even when you smile)).

But sometimes life separates us from the seemingly closest people. And this is normal, because we change, and our friends change too.

There are certain signs that it is time to reconsider your friendship with a certain person:

1. You often quarrel. Yes, there are misunderstandings and conflicts between all friends, but if almost every meeting you meet ends in a quarrel, this is a sign that you are incompatible. Friendship should be a joyful experience, not a stressful one.
2. Envy and competition. If you feel the need to constantly prove something to a friend, you will feel exhausted rather than comfortable. Friendship is support and encouragement, not a race to get ahead of who is better.
3. If this friendship brings nothing to your life. Let's be honest: if someone wants to be a part of your life, it shows. Just as guests come to your home with some kind of treat, a friend brings something new and useful into your life. Maybe he always supports you. Maybe he always knows how to make you laugh. And he just knows how to listen.
4. Friendship should be mutual, as should the efforts made in it. If you are constantly trying to get a friend to go out, but he always doesn’t have time, or he never calls first, then you should think about whether you should chase after someone who doesn’t chase you? Stop wasting energy on those who don't value it.
5. Control or manipulation. If you don't feel like yourself in this friendship, leave it. Some people like to be the boss of a group or have a friend as their own servant, errand girl, wannabe, and so on. Well, like the friendship of many girls at school. When there is a leader and everyone else trying to match her. For some, this continues into adulthood.
6. Tell me who is your friend... Is your friend a good person? If you doubt it for even a second, then think about how his reputation reflects on you? Most likely, people perceive you the same way as your friend. And you yourself may even adopt his bad behavior. Be selective in your friends because you are associated with them.
7. You spend more time thinking about the past than the future. We all have friends from school or university. But you shouldn’t continue to be actively friends with them just because you have a common past. People grow up and that's normal. And some turn into ones we no longer like. You shouldn't stay in a relationship simply out of respect for the past.
8. Friendship negatively affects your self-esteem. Friendship is about helping each other survive in this world, not poking our noses at how wretched we are. If this friendship makes you feel worse than that same friend, you should break up with him.

And God grant that everyone has a faithful and devoted person next to them, who will never give up and support them in moments of despair.

Today we will talk about friendship and friendly love.

There are four types of love: parental, friendly, self-love and partner. The deep differences between these types of love are determined by how the basic interaction is carried out - giving and taking. There is a big difference between how children and parents give and take, how people give and take in partnerships, and how we give and take in relationships with ourselves. And how we give and take in friendship.

The order of how I give and take is a basic element of the structure of our psyche, which dates back to ancient times. This is how relationships were built between the first people, relationships in the community, tribe.

What is friendship?

Friendship is a relationship based on the principle “I give you, you give me.” We keep a kind of accounting within ourselves, keeping records of how much we give and how much we receive. Of course, this happens subconsciously, at the level of emotions and sensations. If they helped me in trouble, then I also want to help in trouble. If someone lent me money, I also want to lend money later. This is how friendship is built. And friendship falls apart if I suddenly begin to give more in friendship than the person can return to me. Or vice versa, I receive more than I can give.

Many will be outraged by this statement, they will say: “Roman, you are wrong. Is it possible to reduce friendship to dry calculation and mutually beneficial exploitation of each other?!” Yes and no.

Our survival is evolutionarily linked to the extent to which we are able to share resources, exchange and repay debts. Survival in primitive society depended on this, and everything depends on this today. If someone helped me with food, I also want to help him with food in the future, I feel an internal need to repay the debt, responsibility for repaying the debt. Sometimes this feeling is associated with guilt. It is not right. This is exactly debt.

In friendship, the balance between “giving” and “taking” is important.”

In friendship, you need to maintain a balance between give and take. Let's imagine a situation where I am more wealthy than my friend, and I began to give more, for example, paying for lunches in a cafe, or buying tickets for the two of us to a concert or even a vacation trip. If my friend doesn't start giving me more in return, it will lead to the destruction of the friendship. The balance between giving and taking must be balanced.

Of course, it is not necessary to repay the debt in the same “currency”. For example, a friend in this situation may provide more support, more emotion, help, or whatever else I need. But if the two of us don't have the inner feeling that we give and take in equal quantities, the friendship will end sooner or later.

Let me give you a real case from my practice. There are two friends, they have been friends since childhood, their names are, say, Marina and Katya. Marina had a child, and then her husband loses his job, and they have a mortgage on their apartment. And a small child in her arms. Marina with a child, does not work, her husband is unemployed. Therefore, Katya, who has an older child, takes children's things, two large bags and brings them to her friend. She is incredibly happy about this gift. And he says: “Thank you, thank you, thank you.” And this “thank you,” backed by very strong emotions, is the first time she repays Katya’s debt. As I already said, it is not necessary to return material things if they gave you material things. Then Marina goes to the kitchen, takes oranges and gives them to her friend with the words: “Here, you can treat your little one.” But Katya refuses and says: “No need, you don’t have money now, you need these oranges more.”

Of course, these oranges are disproportionately less expensive than those two huge bags of children's things that she brought to Marina. But for Marina, oranges were like a symbolic return of a material debt; she received something from Katya and wanted to give something in return. If Katya took the oranges, the balance between give and take in the relationships of her friends would again come into balance. But since Katya rejected what her friend wanted to give her, Marina feels humiliated, obliged, disappointed, and angry. We don’t want to be burdened with debt; we don’t like being in debt to someone. Therefore, it is important to maintain a balance between giving and taking. And therefore anger at virtue is a very common phenomenon.

Is it possible to strengthen friendship?

If we want friendship to grow, we need to learn to give and take and gradually increase the “volume of friendship.” For example, a friend gave me something, in some situations I give him back, according to my inner feelings, the same amount, and sometimes a little more. And there is no need to keep any statistics on paper, we feel it all inside, on an emotional level. And if a friend supports “expanding the friendship,” we move to the next level.

The ancient Greeks had special terms for such cases: “philia” - love between friends, and “storge”. The second word meant love between spouses, which is constantly developing and growing. But the word “storge” was also used to describe friendship, which develops throughout one’s life when it comes to the point that a friend is ready to risk his life for the sake of a friend. And it turns out that “philia” can gradually develop into “bargaining,” but this does not happen in one day.

How to find new friends?

Sometimes my clients ask me how to find new friends in adulthood, and whether this is even possible. Maybe. For example, you had friends at school, university. But you finished your studies, and the friendship ended, everyone moved away, school friends became uninteresting, your company broke up.

It is important to understand here that in childhood and adolescence we almost always found friends on the basis of belonging to some group that we did not voluntarily choose. Our parents sent us to kindergarten, some children lived in our yard, then we went to school. Each time we found ourselves in a closed space with a limited number of people, even if there were 30 of them. And we had to choose one of these people and decide with whom we would exchange, with whom we would enter into a relationship of give and take. For example, at school it could be a friendship based on the principle “I’m smart - he’s strong” or “I’m beautiful - she’s smart.”

If you want to make friends as an adult, the first thing you need to do is think about what your interests are. Perhaps you enjoy cycling, hiking, going to the mountains, or taking personal development courses. And now when you go to these places, you look for people there who you like. You start communicating, go hiking, ride bicycles, spend time together. And gradually, from among your acquaintances, from your comrades, these people will become closer to you and friendship will begin between you. Don't forget that building friendship is a long process. Building friendships is difficult, but as an adult you build them consciously with the people you choose.

Friends for different purposes

Since friendship is a mutually beneficial balance between give and take, there are friends for different purposes. What does it mean? For example, you can come to one friend and cry into your vest, but you cannot tell the same friend about joy, for example, that you were promoted and your salary was tripled. There is a friend from whom you can borrow money, and there is a friend from whom you will never ask for a loan. There is a friend who is ideal for hiking; in the mountains you feel with him as if behind a stone wall. But you can’t just come to him in the evening and drink beer. Different people - different friendships. And we cannot demand from all friends that they be friends with us in the same way. Although, by gradually increasing the “volume of friendship,” we can eventually move with some of them to a deeper friendship, “storge.”

What to do if the friendship ends?

It is important to remember that friendships can end, and you need to be able to let go of old friends. Every relationship ends, and friendship is no exception. It very rarely happens that we can maintain a friendship with someone for life. Just like a happy marriage for life is also rare. We need to internally let go of classmates, classmates with whom we no longer have the same interests, a friend with whom life has separated us. Mentally say to your former friend: “Thank you. Our friendship was pleasant, but our paths diverged. For all the time we were friends, thank you. Everything I gave you, I gave sincerely. Everything you gave me sincerely, I keep for myself. Thank you. Goodbye".

The better you are at giving and taking, the easier it is for you to make friends. Therefore, you need to develop a willingness to give, be aware of your needs and interests, and also be able to set boundaries so that you can timely end a friendship in which they only take from you, but do not give anything in return.

There is also the level of teacher-student and brother-sister relationships. These are also levels of friendship, but there the process of giving and taking occurs differently. We'll talk about this next time.