I couldn't forget him for a long time. I can’t forget a person for a year and a half

I met a guy. He is my best friend’s cousin. At first we communicated in a friendly manner, he tried to somehow recognize me, then he found out my number and started calling me, then he began to come to me. Well, then a closer relationship began I began to have feelings. He, as I understood, did too. He said that maybe it was fate, that he liked me and there was something in me that attracted him. Then a month later he told me that he wanted me I was his girlfriend. I didn’t give any importance to this and made a joke in response. Then the topic of this did not come up. After another 2 weeks, problems began, we began to see each other less often because of his supposed work. He said that he had business, etc. .d

There are a lot of moments connected with him. We had intimacy once, after which we stopped communicating a week later. After intimacy, he was worried there and called, asking how he was feeling, I thought that everything had worked out. I met a guy. He is my best friend’s cousin. At first we talked in a friendly manner, he tried to somehow recognize me, then he found out my number and started calling me, then he began to come to me. Well, and then a closer relationship began I began to have feelings. He, as I understood, did too. He said that maybe it was fate, that he liked me and there was something about me that attracted him. Then a month later he told me that he wanted me I was his girlfriend. I didn’t give any importance to this and made a joke in response. Then the topic of this did not come up. After another 2 weeks, problems began, we began to see each other less often because of his supposed work. He said that he had business, etc. .d
Naturally, he began to call me less often, and lately the tenderness that was there at first has disappeared. Arguments, shouting, and insults have appeared.
There are a lot of moments connected with him. We had intimacy once, after which we stopped communicating a week later. After intimacy, he was worried there and called, asking how he was feeling, I thought that everything had worked out.

In the end, I found out from my friend that he had me in reserve. When he didn’t come, he was with other girls, and when there was nothing to do, he came to me. Naturally, I stopped communicating with him, at first it was hard for me .Then it will get better. But it seemed so to me.. It’s been a month and a half since we haven’t communicated. I can’t forget him, I only think about him. I understand in my head that this man is rotten, but I can’t do anything. Please tell me

Hello. If you REALLY decide to erase a person from your soul and heart, then I will tell you a very effective and quick way to do this. Of course, you cannot completely remove it from your memory, and there is no need to do this, but it is quite possible to weaken the painful memory of it. In order to understand a little how this method works, I’ll tell you a little theory.

The fact is that the human brain thinks in terms of five senses, or, more simply, in images, feelings and sounds. And your ex-boyfriend is encoded exactly like this in your head. In order to understand exactly how, think about it right now, remember it. STOP, don't read further, THINK about it right now and only then continue.

Now think about how you remembered him, did you have pictures, for example, what he looks like, or how you spent time with him, and so on. Maybe you remembered his voice and what he called you, or you remembered how he touched you and what feelings it evoked. Most often we encode a person in pictures, for example, we remember his image. It is precisely this memory that haunts us, causes pain, causes unpleasant feelings. It also often happens that a person’s name is a trigger for memories of him and evokes the whole gamut of feelings. And it is with the name that we will begin to erase the unpleasant sensations from a painful separation.

To do this, close your eyes and imagine the GLASS letters of the person’s first, middle and last names hanging in the air. Carefully examine each letter down to the smallest detail and the word as a whole. Please note, are the glass letters three-dimensional or flat? Then:
1. See how the first letter fell and shattered. Take a close look at what is left hanging in the air without this letter. Feel how your feelings have changed.
2. The second letter of the name has fallen. Carefully consider the fall itself and the breaking into pieces.
3. Read and look at the words that are left hanging. If you see the original version, repeat from the beginning.
4. Break the letters of the name to the end.
5. Break up the first letter of the middle name.
6. Break up the second letter of the middle name and so on.
7. Now go to the last name and do the same - with the letters of the last name.

Once you have broken all the letters, do the following:
Imagine, remember, imagine the image of this person, consider all the details of appearance in as much detail as possible. After this, like an artist or sculptor, mentally
1. change the shape of your face
2. shape of nose and lips
3. hair color
Once again carefully examine the new appearance. Change your appearance beyond recognition, you need to achieve the feeling of “unmemorable appearance” (unknown face) Remember the new face. In this way you deprive the person of his image.

After that, look at this appearance and ask yourself - who is this?
The answer is I don’t know (the new image is unrecognizable).

Then imagine that this image is depicted in watercolors on the windshield of a car. Imagine that it started to rain and the image began to wash away. The face turns pale and melts, dissipates.
After an incomprehensible spot of spread paint remains on the windshield, mentally take a sledgehammer and break the glass to smithereens. And look how it split into thousands of small pieces.

Now remember - who did you work with just now?

If you did everything carefully with perseverance and diligence, then it will be quite difficult to remember. To consolidate the result, do this exercise three or four times. And after that, you definitely won’t be bothered by thoughts about this person. Good luck)

P.S. If you liked this answer and really think it's the best answer for you, please mark it as the best answer.

Question for a psychologist:

Hello, a story happened to me that has been poisoning my life for more than a year. I just can't let go of the past. I have had several relationships throughout my life, and it has always been somehow painless for my inner self. Yes, there were dramas, and suffering, and everything else. But such that after the breakup there is no motivation for action. I have never had any interest in my own life. About a year and a half ago, I finally broke off my relationship with a person on whom I was strongly emotionally dependent. The parting was very painful. But a lot of quarrels, betrayals, all this could no longer remain like this. Almost immediately after this, I began a relationship with a man who really liked me; I started dating him, just so as not to go crazy and kill myself. Because I was alone all the time, and as a person prone to depressive introspection, I could do anything. We are together to this day. We moved to another city for permanent residence. And we’ve been living there for almost half a year. I read advice all the time on how to get over a breakup. I do everything that is written there. I live in another city, my ex and I hardly communicate, we have less and less in common, I’m busy all the time. But I can't come to my senses. I feel so unhappy. Because when that guy and I were together, although more likely a man, because he was already 28 at that time, I was so in love. I felt so happy. Neither before nor after this, I can feel the same. I have already gone through all his shortcomings, I see them clearly, and I understand that he is a selfish person who does not love anyone, who does not regret anything. I don't even like him that much. I don't idealize him. I miss the feeling of love, how good it was. It feels like I've died and I'll never feel that way again. Everything has become meaningless, the days sometimes drag on painfully, there is almost nothing to please. And when I sometimes come to my hometown and meet him somewhere, it becomes even worse. I don't know what to do. how to bring back the joy of life?

Psychologist Almira Miralievna Golodova answers the question.

Hello, Lena!

Parting is always pain - both physical and mental.

All your breakups were painless for your inner self. Most likely, the people you met before or after the man who “fell into your soul” did not play a significant role in your life. The person you are currently living with may just be your lifeline.

You are being a little disingenuous when you say that you have finally broken off your relationship with “the person on whom you were deeply emotionally dependent.” You still depend on him to this day. Admit it to yourself. Is it difficult? But be honest with yourself!

Lena, you gave all your love to an egoist who doesn’t regret anything and doesn’t love anyone!

Most likely, you are one of those people who will do everything to make others feel good. At the same time, they themselves may “suffer” from excessive care, they may be forgotten, even crossed out. Such people can simply be taken advantage of. Such people often meet “consumers”. Naturally, a lot of effort and energy is spent on “consumers,” emotions and feelings are “gifted,” and from this the emotional dependence of the giver on the consumer can grow. And you are “empty”. Hence the depressive thoughts. Because they pull everything positive out of you, but forget to add it in.

Lena, you always read advice on the topic “how to survive breakups.” Follow all recommendations. What really helps? Take note of those who REALLY help you.

▪You need to figure out what that man took away from your “inner world.” How has your life changed since he left? What have you lost?

▪ What is happiness for you? How do you imagine it? What associations does it evoke?

▪ Write a mental (or real) letter, addressing that man with GRATITUDE for what was good for you, for the experience gained, tell him that you FORGIVE him and LET GO with joy. And... let go, let go, let go. Break the addiction. He is NOT waiting for you, he will NOT appreciate your “sacrifice”. He doesn't need it.

It is possible to forget and not remember your ex-boyfriend. Even the most painful breakup can be survived. Even a heart broken into small pieces can be mended. Even the brightest romance eventually turns into a mere memory. But what to do if you keep returning to your past relationships in your thoughts?

What's stopping you from thinking about your ex? Why doesn’t time, other novels, and even working on yourself help?

These are 25 reasons why you just can't leave the past in the past.

1. You believe in kinship of souls and are convinced that you will not meet anyone closer.

2. You had true love, but it does not pass without a trace.

3. You have never loved anyone so much.

4. Your future was planned out years in advance.

5. You saw him as the father of your children.

6. It’s hard for you to change your habits.

7. He reminds you of yourself.

8. You have mutual friends.

9. Your life was organized, and your home was comfortable and cozy.

10. You were sure that this would be forever.

11. You don't believe that you can love someone again.

12. You don't believe that someone will love you again.

13. After your breakup, you see each other often.

14. You are friends with benefits.

15. You decided to remain friends. You agreed because you weren't ready to let him out of your life.

16. You carefully monitor his life on social networks and ask mutual friends about him.

17. He was the initiator of the breakup. Your pride has been dealt a heavy blow, and you cannot come to terms with it.

18. He was not only your boyfriend, but also your best friend.

19. You don't know how to be alone.

20. You have lost your inner harmony.

21. Your breakup destroyed your self-esteem, and you just can’t recover.

22. You are waiting for him to come to his senses and return.

23. You don’t want and can’t believe that he loved you less than you loved him. Or perhaps he didn’t love him at all.

24. You don't have good relationships with other men.

25. You don't want to forget him.

It doesn't really matter what the reason is that you can't forget him. There are always two options - he really is your destiny, and sooner or later you will be together again, or you love unrequitedly, and he will never return to you. In both cases, you must think about yourself. Take care of your own life, develop, achieve your goals, become the best version of yourself. Not for him or anyone else, but for myself. Life does not stand still, and we choose what it will be like ourselves.

Accept that you cannot forget him as a fact. Take this knowledge to the farthest corner of your soul and move on with your life. Yours will come back to you. Yours will not pass by. Yours will be yours.

I am writing here literally grasping at straws. There is no one else to talk about this with, and I no longer have the strength to keep it to myself. I'm completely exhausted, exhausted... Please help...
In short: I broke up with the man I had been with for a year. He betrayed me. About one year has also passed since the breakup, and there hasn’t been a SINGLE DAY that I haven’t thought about him. I can’t let him go, I can’t stop loving him and suffering... If anyone has had something similar or maybe someone can help me, read the story in more detail. (There are a lot of letters)
***
The relationship was a rose-colored fairy tale, without exaggeration, just magic. I had never loved before him. It probably seemed to me that I loved her, but I never had such strong feelings. You know... Sometimes when you dream about something and think: “Oh, this doesn’t happen in life.” And the truth doesn't happen. And it turned out that the relationship was much brighter than any of my dreams. But I’m ok with my imagination. So without metaphors and beautiful expressions - literally, I never dreamed of this. After the first kiss, tears flowed from happiness. (I’m generally a normal, moderately emotional person). I just didn’t know that this could actually happen.
And it all ended with me finding out that all this time I wasn't the only one with him. Everything is banal, yes. Probably, many people go through this, so I had to ((When I found out about this, I immediately left him. He tried to win me back, the explanations were also terribly banal - it seemed like “the devil led me astray.” We dated for a few more months - I just couldn’t believe that this was really happening. At night there was love, and in the morning it was like sobering up, pain and throwing him out the door. He tried to come back again - and so on in a circle. Finally, I realized that despite everything. vows of love, a marriage proposal and assurances that THAT other woman is no one for him, I can’t be with him... I just can’t... There’s jealousy and pain... not anger - just pain. . .. In general, I lived normally. Work, home, friends... I met someone else, started a relationship, he is a wonderful person, if you don’t get into my head, I have an ideal life. And at the same time, I still learned news about him. I found out that he returned to that woman. Then I found out that they were living together. Then they are going to get married. This is all within a year. Soon, I’ll probably see photos of their children on the Internet (The fact that this hurts me is like saying nothing.
He saw me with my new boyfriend, we didn’t say hello, but one day I couldn’t stand it and called him. We had a friendly conversation. And in the end... He didn’t want to talk, but I persistently asked and he answered that yes, he really was with her again. And he added that she is an amazing woman.
Do I regret leaving then? Probably not, because I understand that it was right. But I envy this woman... I envy that she was able to overcome pain and jealousy (when everything became clear, she also found out about me), step over everything and let him into her life again. I envy her that she has the opportunity to simply be with him, love him, enjoy him. I did everything right, but I don’t have it and I can’t become happy in any way. I assure myself that she lives on a powder keg, that whoever betrays him once will betray him again and I don’t want such a life for myself.... And then I remember his face and I don’t care about anything anymore, I want to hug him so badly. Maybe we should have just given up and enjoyed it? Maybe he really won't do that again? And so on for a whole year. This is my life - and I’ve already lost a whole year of my life because I’m living in the past. I realize this, but I can't do anything.
Let me tell you about one recent event in more detail...
Just recently I discovered that he wrote to me several times during this year (I only used this mail with him, I accidentally log in and there are his letters). He wrote that he was still waiting for me. Several letters a couple of months apart. That is, this is when he was already engaged to someone else. I had both relief and joy, and at the same time pain, the understanding that he had not changed (he got engaged to one and writes to another). And fear. And a clear, clear realization - I still won’t return to it, I won’t be able to accept what happened. I wrote him an answer with the meaning that “forget me, it’s all over.” He replied that he did not write to me. This is stupid, because THERE we only corresponded with each other.
It seemed that I had calmed down, but.... The very next day I happened to run into her in the city. We even said hello and talked (we didn’t quarrel with her, because when we met with him, we both didn’t know about each other - no matter how guilty we both were, we even understood each other in some way). I don’t know what happened to me after that... I didn’t walk around like myself. The jealousy just went off scale... And then I went and told her about what he had been writing to me all this time, quoted his words, and indicated the time of sending. I don’t know what I was trying to achieve... For them to break up? But it’s clear that if she accepted him after THIS, then she will also forgive some messages. As it turned out later, he actually explained all this to her in such a way that they did not quarrel. They also live peacefully together and are preparing for the wedding. He knows how to choose words, I remember that. And she knows how to turn a blind eye to things she might not like.
I understand that I lost my temper and I won’t allow this to happen again. I will not make any movements in their direction. This happened only once in the year of my hell and it will not happen again. But how can you keep them out of your head? Why can’t I just forget all this and that’s it? They both have been living their lives for a long time.
You can tell me - “just don’t think about it”, or “time heals”, or “be distracted by other things” and all that. Don't get me wrong, I tell myself all this, but it doesn't help. ...Maybe there are some psychological techniques? To forget him? Or what do I need? How to let it go? After all, I know for sure that I don’t want to be with him. I want to be with my new boyfriend. It already seems to me that I live in two lives: one is beautiful in reality, and then you close your eyes when no one is around - and here he is again.
If any of you have been through this... please talk to me... tell me how you dealt with it. Is it even possible to cope with this to the end?
Or maybe you just have some advice for me? I will be very grateful for any feedback.