How to deal with a difficult relationship breakup. How to get over a breakup with someone you love

We feel bad, we suffer, every cell of our body feels this pain, we don’t want anything else, nothing pleases, doesn’t interest, doesn’t attract ... All thoughts are only about him (her): “Lord, my wife left, what to do, how to live on ? or “He left, and my whole life collapsed in an instant…”

Parting with a loved one is pain, it is suffering, it is a state, as if your heart was torn out and taken away with you, the feeling that your whole world is collapsing, leaving nothing behind, only emptiness, despair, a dead end ...

Many of us are capable of the most reckless actions at such a moment. A burning resentment pushes to take revenge at any cost, deceived feelings - to repay in the same coin, hopelessness - just commit suicide, throwing your life in his (her) face.

We feel bad, we suffer, every cell of our body feels this pain, we don’t want anything else, nothing pleases, doesn’t interest, doesn’t attract ...

All thoughts are only about him (her): “Lord, my wife left, what to do, how to live on?” or “He left, and my whole life collapsed in an instant…”

Like a robot, I do my daily work, and inside there is only emptiness and pain, spilling into the pillow at night, and dreams only about those happy days when we were together, I again feel his smell, the touch of his hand, his look, and waking up, again I am going through a breakup with a man who was everything to me. I don’t understand what happened, I don’t know how I can live now, but most importantly, how can I force myself to let him go?!

BREAKING A RELATIONSHIP: THE PSYCHOLOGY OF A BROKEN CUP

Experiencing the most negative states, we still do not fully understand what hurts us, where the source of suffering is and how to alleviate this pain.

Women go into tears, men into wine or work, and we all try to escape from ourselves, blaming our partner, circumstances, relatives, superiors, or self-flagellation. Time becomes the main medicine for us, but there are cases when this does not help either.

Who are the people who can end relationships and disperse like ships at sea? Is it possible to become like this?

Why is the psychological suffering at the end of a relationship so painful in complete physical health?

How to get out of an emotional impasse without a load of resentment and a broken heart?

A real understanding of the psychology of a breakup is based only on knowledge of the innate psychological properties of both partners in each specific case.

For any person, parting, breaking up relationships is painful, but there are people for whom this breakup is simply a disaster and is experienced especially acutely, having a strong impact on the psychological state of a person, manifesting itself either as a severe offense that affects the rest of his life, or an emotional breakdown such depths, after which only a complete emotional emptiness is felt, reminiscent of a scorched desert. These are representatives of the anal and visual vectors.

Each of them experiences a breakup in their own way, according to the innate qualities of the psyche, and for each of them there is a mechanism for getting out of a negative state.

I FEEL, AND MEAN - I LIVE

The greatest pleasure, as well as the strongest pain, is brought to us by people, especially the closest and dearest person. We all experience emotions of varying severity, but there are people who need emotions like air. Feelings are everything to them. These are people, according to the system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan.

Parting for the most sensitive vector - visual - is a huge stress, as it is associated with a loss of emotional connection. The rupture of relations becomes a deprivation of the opportunity to realize the natural needs for emotional contact. This leads to an increase in deficits and an imbalance in brain biochemistry that feels almost like physical pain, and sometimes even worse.

A rich imagination and a tendency to exaggerate draw the most dramatic scenes and find the most incredible reasons for breaking up relationships. It is visual people who are prone to attempting suicide, leaving emotional suicide notes, a “last”, but in fact demanding viewers phone call to a former partner, an email in which all feelings are poured, and the like.

Gradually growing resentment begins to occupy almost all the thoughts of the offended person, significantly reducing all his chances of getting a full-fledged realization in society, which means joy and enjoyment of life.

A deep understanding of one's own qualities and their true purpose makes it possible to realize them in a different direction than concentration on resentment.

Of course, the breakup of a relationship is a strong blow to the psychological state and it is almost impossible to maintain control over oneself in an acute period, but the main thing is to firmly know that an excellent memory is given to you for storing knowledge, the ability to detail - to create an ideal product of your thoughts or hands, high concentration - for professional analysis and conclusions, but not for inflating destructive resentment in oneself and living again and again such painful moments as parting with a loved one.

All your abilities and qualities can be applied constructively, but not destructively, like an insult, the main thing is to understand.

Yes, it hurts, yes, it was, and yes, I will not forget this pain, but I will not let it rule my life, because I am the master of my fate, and only I can decide how to live on. And I am sure that a new day will come when I can consciously and intentionally start from scratch and meet the person with whom I will be happy. Let not today and not tomorrow, but this day will surely come.

The experience of memories and concentration on resentment is also a kind of filling of shortages. There is a quality, it tries to fill itself, in any way, even elementary. However, the satisfaction of each property can bring both a small temporary pleasure and a full-fledged pleasure - it all depends on the method of implementation. Realizing their own qualities in society, in a creative way, observing the fruits of their activities and having well-deserved recognition for their work, the representative of the anal vector receives the most complete and powerful pleasure from his life.

Understanding this, you do not concentrate on resentment and do not give it leverage to control your life, because there are more important things for you that are more worthy of your attention, memory and thoughts.

Only consciously you will be able to get away from gloomy thoughts, from the desire for retribution, and the negative state of “underdone”, “deprived” to get in another area that fills you more intensely than revenge for the offense.

NEW PSYCHOLOGY: BREAKING RELATIONSHIPS CAN BE SURVIVED!

Breaking up with someone you loved is a huge pain for anyone. Let the whole world seem black and hostile to you now, you don’t know why it happened, who is to blame and what to do now, how to live on. It seems to you that your heart is left with the one who left, and you are no longer capable of feelings.

It is when you are at your worst that you can discover new things for yourself, you can gain the knowledge that will help you get out of this state and understand what happened to you that prevented you from building reliable and lasting relationships. Find out why you are in so much pain right now, but the main thing is what to do to ease this pain!

Yuri Burlan's training in system-vector psychology is a look inside yourself, inside your life, your relationships. This is an opportunity to consciously change your state for the better and still find your happiness, no matter how illusory it may seem today.

The end of a relationship is always hard, whether it was your decision or your partner's. You are in pain and you want it to end soon. There are several ways that can help you cope and move on: describe your feelings, allow yourself to grieve, take your time in a new relationship. Remember that time heals and be patient. If it doesn’t get better with time, you can always turn to family and friends for support, and, if necessary, to a psychotherapist.

Steps

Move on

Keep your distance. Even if you and your ex have decided to remain friends, you should stop all communication immediately after the breakup. No meetings with him and even with his family members, no calls, emails, SMS, messages on Skype or Facebook. This does not mean that you should never talk again, but communication should be stopped until you finally get over the breakup.

• If he or she is trying to convince you to see each other, honestly ask yourself what the point is. If the meeting makes you mentally return to the past, it will be too easy to succumb to a momentary impulse - but the more difficult it is to reconcile again.
• If contact is unavoidable for practical reasons - for example, you need to transfer your things from your partner, sign documents, etc. - try to keep communication to an absolutely necessary minimum. Keep calls or meetings short and to the point.

1. Organize your living space. A breakup can herald a new beginning. Therefore, cleaning and putting things in order in your personal space will give you fresh strength and readiness for a new life. Clutter is depressing, depressing, and adds to the stress you already feel. Cleaning does not require serious mental effort, but still you have to concentrate on it and, therefore, be distracted from painful experiences.

   • Clean up your room, put up new posters, clear your computer desktop of unnecessary icons. No matter how insignificant cleaning may seem to you, after it you will feel better.

2. Let go of the things that bring up painful memories. Many things will remind you of your ex - songs, smells, sounds, places. When they surround you, it's harder to heal from a breakup. Remove all the things that make your heart ache. Getting rid of them can really work wonders.

   • If you have a memorable gift from your ex, such as a watch or jewelry, there is nothing wrong with keeping it. However, try to remove it away and not get it until the relationship finally recedes into the past for you.

3. Get out of the house and live life to the fullest. After the end of a relationship, it is normal to spend some time at home, alone with yourself. However, having dealt with feelings, you should no longer hide from the outside world. Plan, spend time with friends, have fun! You may feel awkward at first, but over time this will pass and you will feel better. Getting out of the house and doing something is very important, because after a breakup, you need to grow and maintain your social circle in order to move forward.

   • Don't feel like you have to constantly spend time with other people. Get out to do the things you love and enjoy the freedom. Go to your favorite cafe, go shopping or take a mini-vacation.

4. Don't jump head first into a new relationship. Often, after a breakup, people immediately enter into a new relationship in order to forget the previous ones. However, this idea is not always reasonable. When you start dating someone too soon, you may just be trying to suppress negative emotions with the excitement and excitement that a new relationship brings you. However, if they turn out to be a failure, the pain of two breakups will fall on you at once. It is better to be without a partner for a while, until you get over the emotions and are really ready to start over.

   Keep taking care of yourself. After a break, a person can often give up on himself, but this will not bring relief. Don't forget the simple things that keep you physically, mentally and spiritually healthy. If you didn't take enough care of yourself before the end of the relationship, now is the time to fix it. Try to eat well, get enough sleep, and exercise regularly to feel your best.

   Break away from your usual routine. Perhaps after the end of the relationship, you need to give up your usual routine for a while. This can help you deal with your feelings and cope better later on. Most importantly, don't do anything that will jeopardize your relationships with other people or your way of making a living.

   • For example, you can skip a week at the gym without much consequences, but you can’t abandon work for a week. If you and your friends have plans and want to cancel them before you recover, explain the situation honestly.

5. Allow yourself to mourn broken relationships. The end of a relationship leaves a huge void in your heart, and it can take quite a while for it to close. Be sure to allow yourself to grieve the loss and experience the pain; if you ignore it and keep it to yourself, you will only delay the return to normal life. Cry, sob, scream - throw out all the negative emotions outward.

   Surround yourself with people who can support you. You need people around you who love you and help you feel better. When you are surrounded by friends and family who are full of sympathy and ready to help, you will not feel like a worthless person, and your life will return to normal sooner.

   • Don't be afraid to ask friends and family for support if you need to speak up or cry on someone's shoulder.

6. Find a way to soothe yourself without harming your health. Your first impulse may be to ignore the pain or drown it out with alcohol, drugs, or food, but that's not the answer. Say a firm no to these destructive ways of coping with pain. Instead, try to find ways that will lead you to real recovery and even growth.

   • Try to find a new hobby to keep you busy while you recover. Sign up for a course, join a club, learn something on your own. Passion for a new thing will allow you to regain confidence in yourself, take your mind off the worries for a while, and help build self-esteem by knowing that you have learned something interesting or useful.

7. See a therapist if the pain is too severe. Most often, people are able to recover on their own after a breakup, but not everyone has this ability. If you can't deal with emotional pain or feel depressed as a result of a breakup, seek professional help as soon as possible.

Work on feelings

Think about your relationship. Consider all the reasons why you and your ex broke up. Accept the fact that while you were good together for a while, things ended up going wrong. Analyzing the reasons for the breakup will help you understand why you need to move on. In addition, if you figure out how you yourself influenced the end of the relationship, this will help you avoid the same mistakes in the future. Ask yourself the following questions.

• Did my behavior cause us to break up? If yes, what exactly did I do?
• Do I have a tendency to choose partners of the same type? If yes, what do they have in common? Are they suitable for me? Why?
• Have I had similar problems in previous relationships? If so, why do I constantly encounter them? What can I do differently next time?

1. Write about your feelings. Start a diary or try writing poetry. Most importantly, be honest and do not correct what is written. One of the advantages of this method is that by putting the problem on paper, you can suddenly see it from the inside, penetrating to the core. Cause and effect relationships will become clearer, and as the bitterness of the loss subsides, it will be much easier for you to learn valuable life lessons from what happened.

Man is inextricably linked with suffering, pain, bitterness and despair. Despite this, you need to find the strength to live and move on. Concentrating on your own grievances and experiences will inevitably lead to prolonged depression. Therefore, it is so important to understand how to survive a break with a loved one as quickly and painlessly as possible. We will try to help you in this difficult matter.

Often the process of parting takes a very long time, and therefore causes additional suffering and gives rise to unreasonable hopes. It is not right. It is necessary to put an end to the relationship once and for all, cutting off all further contacts in the bud. Otherwise, your torment can continue indefinitely. If any unresolved issues or unspoken grievances gnaw at you, arrange a farewell conversation. Communicate quietly and calmly, in no case go over to shout. And forget about such a thing as friendship between former partners - it simply does not exist, it is a myth and an illusion.

To survive a breakup with a loved one will help a kind of act of farewell. Try to get rid of resentment towards the former through a symbolic ritual. It can be both burning joint photographs, and throwing a weighty stone from the bridge into the water, symbolizing the cobblestone lying on your soul. You will see, it will become much easier for you. If suddenly you feel that resentment towards your partner is returning, come up with a new one or repeat the old ritual.

Another tip on how to survive a breakup: get busy. Complete inactivity will lead to an obsession with your own experiences, and hectic activity will help you get distracted. Completely immerse yourself in work, do household chores, or find a new hobby. Get a pet - it will become a great friend for you, and taking care of it will bring a lot of positive emotions. Learn the skills of cross-stitching, weaving baubles or sculpting from plaster. Watch movies you've wanted to see for a long time but didn't have time. Burn a disc with dynamic music. Look at breaking up with your loved one as an opportunity to enjoy being with yourself.

And confidence in your own attractiveness will also help you get through the breakup. Many women sin by the fact that after breaking up with their beloved, they begin to engage in self-criticism and consider themselves the culprit of all troubles. This state of affairs must be dealt with. Go to a beauty salon, dye your hair or drastically change your hairstyle. Buy some trendy items. A new image and the reaction of oncoming men will allow you to realize your irresistibility.

Force yourself to believe that a bright future awaits you, in which a reliable and understanding person will certainly be nearby. Inspire yourself that the break with your loved one has become the starting point for starting a new life, full of new acquaintances and vivid impressions. And remember that a radiant and sincere smile should become your constant companion.

These tips are sure to help you survive the breakup with your loved one. But keep in mind that they are complex and will be especially effective if you follow them all at the same time. Then you will not only get rid of unnecessary experiences, but also find spiritual harmony.

There I specifically described how to behave correctly in such a situation. But parting after a long relationship is not always easy. Sometimes it starts to steam the brain of the one who was left, and it also happens that both the guy and the girl. It is difficult for a person to find a place for himself, thoughts about lost love arise, depressive states. It feels like the end of the world has happened and life is over.

As a rule, from such a situation a person comes to two states:

1) Detachment, apathy, disappointment in the world, women and yourself. It can go on for quite some time. I know individuals who, due to unhappy love, fell out of the active rhythm of life for years.

2) They try to return the lost love after the breakup with the girl has clearly happened. Running around begins, assurances of love, confessions, tears, inscriptions on the pavement under the windows of the girl and the like. Sometimes they are useful and in some cases it turns out to return love, another thing is for how long. But in life it also happens that everything attempts to revive dead relationships remain fruitless, and then efforts turn into into a closed, meaningless labyrinth.

It is precisely with such cases that I want to help you with this article. We will answer the question of how to survive a breakup with a girl. To do this, you and I will find the reasons that led you to a state of wild dependence on the departed girl, and immediately look for an antidote.

Why is it so hard to break up with a girl?

The reason for such behavior, when you cannot forget the girl, let her go, run around, trying to win her now indifferent heart again and again, lies in several things.

First, in overestimated significance for us human which we are losing. Highly appreciating something in life, be it an idea, an object or a person, we perceive with pain the process of losing this value. Saying goodbye to a girl who does not like, does not meet the standards of appearance that you prefer, behaves badly, you will not experience such a painful emptiness that will arise when parting with your beloved and desired.

Hence the first root of evil - the high significance of the girl in your perception. You will learn how to lower the importance of a girl in one of the following articles. The bottom line is that downgrading an object is the alpha and omega of victory over addiction.

The second reason for the pain of breaking up with a girl is injured pride. How is it that we, so cool and stunning, are abandoned by girls! How dare they!? Such thoughts directly indicate that a person has a sense of self-importance, which is abbreviated in the common people as CHSV. It's okay, almost everyone has it, and so do I. The main thing is to be able to keep it in check and not indulge in depression when it rages, even when you just quarreled with a girl. You highly value yourself as a person and infringements of other people on your rights and well-being are certainly perceived as aggression.

However, let's think, does a breakup with a girl always hurt you? Of course, in most cases, a woman is pleased if the man abandoned by her becomes sad, starts running after her with flowers and trying to rectify the situation. At this moment, it seems to the unfortunate lover that the whole world has collapsed with the departure of his beloved. But, looking from the outside, we clearly see that nothing bad happened.

She left - it means she didn’t love, didn’t appreciate. Those. you, by the will of fate, got rid of a stranger to you, who accidentally got into your life. Rejoice that providence has delivered you from a foolish girl who failed to appreciate such a guy. Now you are a free person and open to the whole world, and new girls, including .

The third reason is habit. Yes, we tend to get used to the way of life, to things and to people. Especially if we were fine with these people. Now that it's gone, life seems empty. Emptiness is the absence of something. Therefore, there is only one way out - the way out into the field, it is necessary to fill the resulting void with analogues.

Those who say: “She was so extraordinary, there are no others like her, so I won’t go on dates” act very stupidly. These people sit alone for many months, taking away their chances of recovery. Do not under any circumstances do this. If it becomes clear that the former cannot be returned, look for a new one as soon as possible.

The first few times, all the girls will seem to you a pitiful likeness of the same one, but this period must be endured stoically and meetings continue. Even after many attempts, improvement will come. You will see that women are not so different from each other. Maybe you'll meet a better girl. It happened to me.

Bonus. Delete all her photos, don't look at them. Do not listen to the music associated in your mind with it, do not listen to just sad melodies. Everything is just fun. This also applies to films, for example, you can watch the film "Well, let's play." Do not discuss your breakup and your sad state with anyone, do not exaggerate, do not chew. Silence, everything is silent.

When you talk about a problem, you fix it in your head and go in cycles. As soon as memories of her arise in your head, try to get rid of them as quickly as possible, get down to business.

Conclusion

If you strictly follow these instructions, you will quickly get out of the trap of depression. I'm not saying that it will take a week, although it is possible. But the fact that you will feel better in the near future, and you will safely and quickly survive a painful break in relations with a girl is for sure.

I recently watched a wonderful movie about coping with loss and separation. It's called "For Once in Your Life". The film touches on the themes of love, betrayal, parenthood, but most importantly, it shows how you can direct the energy of your broken heart to creativity, which can become your healer in this difficult life period.

I myself have been going through a transformation in my private practice, during which I have had to part ways with many clients in order to free up time and space that I hope I can devote to new wonderful clients. I decided to use the film as an example of how to deal with loss and breakups.

Here are some tips on what to do and what not to do after breaking up with a loved one.

Listen to music.“That's why I love music. The most banal scene is suddenly filled with deep meaning. All these banalities suddenly turn into beautiful, shining pearls. Thanks to Music” is a wonderful quote from the film’s protagonist Dan, a surly but talented music producer who drowned his sorrows in wine until he met Greta, a brokenhearted, charming songwriter, and decided to develop her talent. Unfortunately, words cannot describe how wonderful the music in this film is, better listen for yourself.

Create. Creativity is a great way to turn the feelings of your loss into something meaningful, tangible that others can see, hear, and appreciate. In the movie (spoiler alert!) we see Greta doing it - she writes a song about her ex-boyfriend and sings it to his answering machine.

Focus on work. If creativity is not for you, try to immerse yourself in work, it helps a lot to get distracted for a while.

Watch good films. We usually identify with one or more characters in the film, experiencing their life on screen as our own.

Go in for sports. By investing your energy in physical activity, you improve your condition on an emotional and physiological level. An hour on the treadmill or a class in an aerobics or sports class will help activate the endorphin production centers in your brain.

Chat with friends. It is quite obvious that in order to overcome loss, it is important to keep in touch with friends and try to spend more time with those who love and appreciate you.

Don't call your ex. When we are experiencing a loss, there may be a natural desire to relive our previous losses, so it is not uncommon for people to call their former partners in such situations. Should not be doing that. Leave the past in the past and focus on the present.

Do not drown sorrow in wine. Of course, if you drink one or two glasses to ease your pain, nothing bad will happen. But it is important to remember that alcohol never solves problems, but only exacerbates them. Ultimately, it contributes to depression, and you don't want to get worse than you are now, do you?

Change something in your life. After finishing my last day of work at the medical center, I went and got a new haircut that symbolized the changes in my life. Thus, I kind of left the old behind and moved forward. Many people change their haircuts, grow beards, or change the decor of the house after breaking up with a partner. This allows you to somehow tangibly mark the beginning of a new stage in life.

Do not immediately rush to look for someone else. Often after a breakup, we try to find solace in someone's arms, but, frankly, in the end it will only make us worse. It is worth fully experiencing the grief of parting before you start looking for a new partner.

Give yourself time to grieve. Grief is a natural part of life. We grieve when we lose a loved one, when we say goodbye to someone, when we move into a new home, when we leave the past behind. Sometimes someone appears in our life and very soon disappears from it. What is important is what you experienced together, and only fully survived the grief, you can forever keep all the good that was in yourself, leaving the bad behind.

about the author

Michaela Bernard, psychotherapist from Chicago, author of the online journal Mental Health Digest. Her website.