Crisis in family relationships: periods, ways to overcome. Current problems of family relationships

Even before the start of family life, you can notice problems in relationships between people, some disagreements or just minor quarrels. Everything depends on the people themselves, and very little on the world around them. There is no guarantee that if you get married and give your relationship an official form, then there will be fewer problems or they will disappear altogether.

People immediately after meeting each other try to get to know each other more and determine the character of their future soulmate. Men and women are very different in their views on life, emotionality, and in their attitude towards everything that happens in their lives.

It's probably not realistic to find the perfect match. Everyone has problems, and in family life there are even more of them, as responsibility arises not only for oneself, but also for one’s family. Disagreements can arise due to simple misunderstandings or different character types of both people.

One of the problems in family life may be the desire to have children. If the opinions of a man and a woman do not agree in this regard, then this can serve as the beginning of a small quarrel or a big scandal. The main thing in family life is love and mutual understanding. You need to trust each other, be sure to take into account the opinion of your other half.

Financial difficulties can affect the development of family relationships. Many women believe that men should provide well for their families. And always take care of them, encourage them - give gifts. But if a man has a different point of view, then disagreements may arise on this issue. It's exactly the same with men. They believe that a woman is obliged to do household chores and keep the home. But some women prefer a free lifestyle, relaxation and entertainment. Based on all this, we can understand that building a family idyll begins from the very first days of communication between a man and a woman. People should suit each other not only in appearance, but also in character and general outlook on life. Otherwise, the problem of basic life issues will become a chronic problem for the family.

The main thing to remember is that a healthy and strong family is one in which everyone is equal. Everyday problems, financial difficulties and other life issues can be easily resolved. This requires the mutual assistance of husband and wife. After all, no matter how big a problem is, it is only as big as the people themselves make it so.

A family crisis is a stressful situation that arises between close people when a measured lifestyle is disrupted due to the excessive demands of one of the partners. Every couple faces this problem at least once in their life, so it is necessary to be able to survive the crisis correctly so as not to destroy the relationship. Conflicts are an integral part of family life, but it is one thing when conflicts are quickly resolved, and another thing when they are secretive and protracted.

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Causes of family crises

Psychologists say that crises in family life are a normal phenomenon in the union of two people. There are two types of circumstances that affect relationships in a couple. The former destroy the life of the family and can lead to its disintegration. The latter help eliminate negativity in relationships, strengthen marriage and allow a married couple to move to a new level.

The most common causes of a crisis in the family include:

• Age crisis. The spouse is experiencing a psychological shock associated with a reassessment of their values, which change with age. At this moment, a desire arises to change both yourself and the entire family.
• Family development crisis. This period occurs when children appear and care for them (nursery, school, adolescence, university studies).
• Job loss. The inability to provide for a family has a significant impact on the psychological atmosphere in the family. Constant conflicts on this basis can end in divorce.
• Quarrels with relatives. Most often, newlyweds live with their parents for the first time; often living together leads to conflicts between generations, which affects the relationship in the couple.
• Changes in the family budget. For example, the wife began to earn more, as a result of which the man does not feel like a breadwinner, which leads to conflicts.
• Moving. Sometimes there is a need to change place of residence, which affects the psychological state of both partners.
• Defective child. You will have to live with this all your life, and not all couples are able to survive this situation without reproaching each other.
• Unequal position in the family. For example, the wife is a housewife, and the husband always reproaches him for supporting her.
• One of the spouses devotes a lot of time to work, forgetting about his other half.
• Early marriage. Not all young families can cope with everyday problems, which sometimes even leads to divorce.
• Different interests and views. Many couples meet for love, but after a while it turns out that they are completely different people and have nothing in common in their lives. In this case, a crisis is inevitable.

Midlife crisis in men

Signs

The main signs of a crisis in family relationships:

• Spouses no longer notice the one and only person in each other. Monotonous and monotonous life, routine lead to the loss of interest and interest in each other.
• Lack of intimacy. Monotony in your sex life becomes boring, so you need to consult a specialist.
• Lack of common opinion. On many issues (raising children, relationships with relatives, financial problems) disagreements arise, which leads to constant conflicts.
• Reluctance to give in to each other. When everything he (she) does or says is perceived with disagreement and irritation.
• Emotional coldness. Partners have no desire to talk to each other, share thoughts, experiences, dreams.
• Eternal scandals or monotonous relationships. No one challenges the dictates of one of the partners; the appearance of an ideal family is created, but in reality this is a crisis situation. Monotony in a relationship leads to a loss of interest in your significant other, and then a crisis ensues.
• Reluctance to understand each other. When a conflict situation arises, none of the partners wants to give in.
• All decisions in a couple are made by only one of the spouses.
• No division of family responsibilities. When partners do not understand who is responsible for what, constant quarrels arise.

Only a friendly attitude between spouses will help maintain a happy marriage for many years.

Codependency in relationships

Periods and remedies

According to psychologists, a family is not a “unit of society” frozen in its development; its transition from one stage to another is accompanied by periods of crisis, when the number of quarrels between partners increases. Timely awareness of a crisis situation will help avoid disagreements.

Psychologists distinguish between two types of family crises: normative and non-normative. The first ones arise during the transition from one stage of the family to another (after the birth of a child, the baby went to kindergarten or school) or are associated with problems of spouses, for example, decreased sexual activity in men or menopause in women. The latter appear as a result of an analysis of the circumstances that provoked the crisis.

How to improve your relationship with your husband on the verge of divorce

Crisis before marriage

Crises in relationships before marriage occur frequently and are characterized by the same reasons as during marriage. But it’s easier to explain them, since people know little about each other, and first impressions can be deceiving. For example, a couple has been dating for a long time, everything is fine in the relationship with the girl, but you don’t want to get married. A few years later, the question arises of what to do next: date or get married. In such a situation, it is necessary for the partners to discuss what goal each is pursuing.

It is a crisis in a relationship that allows you to sort out your feelings and understand whether it is worth continuing the relationship or not. The timing of the crisis depends on the wisdom, endurance and education of the partners. On average, this period lasts from three weeks to seven months.

1 year

According to statistics, about 50% of young families get divorced without even a year of marriage. The explanation is simple - everyday life is stuck. Romantic feelings do not have time to settle and are broken into routine. Initially, each partner compares their family with the one in which they grew up, which can result in conflicts. In addition, it is necessary to maintain an overall budget, and opinions on costs may differ significantly.

How to survive:

• From the first day of living together, you should discuss how each partner sees marriage and find common solutions. It is necessary to establish procedures and define the responsibilities of everyone.
• There is no need to remain silent if something does not suit you. This does not mean that you need to nag each other over trifles. In a relationship with your husband, it is enough to calmly explain the essence of the problem and find ways to solve it.
• A separate place should be given to parental advice.

3-5 years

For some families this is one crisis, and some may experience it at both 3 and 5 years. This problem occurs after the baby is born. The family managed to cope with the first crisis, get used to each other, learn to turn a blind eye to the shortcomings of the other half, but the birth of the baby again turns their whole life upside down. It is necessary to build new relationships and give up usual entertainment. As a result, spouses cannot devote enough time to each other, alienation arises on a psychological level.

How to survive:

• In order to cope with this crisis, we need to tell each other about our feelings. The husband at this moment should not allow his wife to develop postpartum depression. The wife, in turn, should understand her husband’s feelings and sometimes let him go out with friends.
• If possible, leave the child with the grandmothers and go for a walk for a few hours.

7-9 years of marriage

This is the period when “sobering up” occurs. The time for dreams has passed, and family life looks completely different from what it was imagined before marriage. Marriage is associated with problems and disagreements, resulting in disappointment in family life.

How to cope:

• no need to nag each other over trifles (this especially applies to women);
• the wife needs to pay attention to herself in order to regain her zest;
• make changes in everyday life.

15-25 years

During this time of family life, the children have matured, but despite this, new problems appear. There is complete silence in the house and the couple do not know where to move next, because there is work, there is an apartment, the children have grown up. In addition, a woman goes through menopause, and a man feels unclaimed. This leads to the fact that the spouse becomes depressed, and the spouse begins to take care of himself and communicate with young women, trying to prove to himself that all is not lost.

How to survive crisis years:

• the key to successfully overcoming this crisis is significant changes;
• you need to do something together: go to restaurants, relax with friends at the seaside or in the mountains;
• you should change your hairstyle, wardrobe, improve your figure;
• if there is no house, you can start building it; if there is living space, you can start a major renovation.

When spouses are 50 years old

During this period, the children grew up, graduated from school and left their parents' home. Now the spouses are forced to manage their new free time, which was previously spent on caring for children.

Also, a crisis occurs if the child has his own family, but the young continue to live with their parents. A new family member is always stressful, as you need to change the established rhythm of life. Such a crisis can affect not only parents, but also a young couple.

Pension period

The spouses retire and are left alone, since the children have long lived an independent life. The social circle of middle-aged spouses is narrowing, a lot of free time arises with nothing to occupy it, and a crisis in family relationships ensues. During this period, you need to learn to do something together. Taking care of your grandchildren will be a great salvation.

The wedding takes place, everyday life begins, and then it turns out that complete strangers have united their destinies. What is the fate of such a marriage? In order to answer this question, a more correct question to begin with is another question: is it possible to predict the fate of the families of today's newlyweds? An analysis of the work carried out in the field of marriage and family by famous sociologists and psychologists allows us to answer this question positively. To this end, a number of studies are devoted to the problem of family well-being, the authors of which each define in their own way the phenomena that affect the well-being of the family, marriage, and its harmony. The essence of some of them will be given below.

Scientists N.E. Korotkov, S.I. Kordon, I.A. Rogova believe that the basis for the strength of family ties is the compatibility of spouses, and social and psychological compatibility (12, p. 44).

The authors define social compatibility as the similarity of husband and wife, the sameness of their main guidelines and values. There are many aspects to everyone's life - work, leisure, raising children, art, books, material comfort, friends, health concerns, etc. These aspects of life have different importance for different people. Therefore, it is necessary to clearly determine to what extent the vital interests of the husband and wife coincide. Significant discrepancies, the authors argue, increase the risk of marriage. Psychological compatibility is an even more complex and less understandable thing. It lies in the dissimilarity between husband and wife.

Psychologists have found that, as a rule, a dialectic operates here - the opposite reaches for the opposite. A person strives to get close to people who have exactly those qualities that he lacks: the indecisive, timid, hesitant sympathize with the brave, decisive; a hot-tempered, expansive person meets a calm, even phlegmatic one.

The functioning of a family consists of a number of functioning spheres of family life.

Karel Vitek described a number of significant factors, based on the results of his own research, that must be taken into account when entering into marriage, and subsequently have an unconditional impact on the success or failure of family functioning (4, p. 114).

How the fate of the future family will turn out, whether it will be an example of prosperity or, on the contrary, will face problems and difficulties that will lead to its disintegration - this, according to K. Vitek, largely depends on the atmosphere where the future spouses grew up. Here, first of all, two points are important: the personal example of parents and the quality of educational influence on children. Data from sociological research indicate that parental divorce triples the likelihood of future divorce in children, while the likelihood of divorce for children whose parents did not divorce is one in twenty (4, p. 148).

Marriage is, of course, influenced by many factors. It is also undeniable that children perceive from their parents not only forms of behavior, subconscious reactions, various positive or negative habits, but also existing features and models of marital relationships. A survey of 800 married men and women, which was conducted in the early 90s in the Russian Federation, showed that the vast majority of those who assessed their marriage as “ideal” (83.5%) also assessed the marriage of their parents. Those who were found to have difficulties in family life considered their parents' marriage to be “relatively good” in 69.1% of cases (5, p. 48).

The same connection was found in conflict situations. The more conflicts there were in the parents' families, the more often they arose in the children's families. Of those whose parents had a satisfactory relationship, 48.1% encountered conflicts in their family life. The majority (77.1%) of men and women who grew up in families where quarrels between parents were a typical occurrence, in turn, experienced conflicts in their family life.

Based on the data from these studies, M.I. Buyanov formulated the following conclusions:

1. The nature of the relationship between the spouses largely corresponds to the nature of the relationship between their parents.

2. In those cases when conflicts between parents crossed all boundaries, resulting in various manifestations of mutual hostility, but things did not come to a divorce, children often perceived such relationships as an anti-model of a normal family and, upon getting married, built their marital relationships completely differently.

3. If the conflict between the parents reaches an extreme degree and becomes unbearable for both parties, then the interests of the children are better served by a divorce than by the future life of the parents.

The harmony of parents' family life has other consequences for the future family life of children. For example, Karl Vitek found that individuals who positively assessed their parents’ marriage showed more ability to build relationships in their family on the basis of sensitivity, reasonable consent and nobility. 42.8% of respondents from families where harmony reigned between parents showed complete mutual understanding in matters of housekeeping, while those whose parents divorced showed this quality in 28.3% of cases. Of the 508 respondents whose parents lived well, 77.8% like to spend free time with their husband (wife), which is evidence of marital harmony. Of 326 people in whose parental families there were frequent conflicts, only 63.2% said that they enjoyed spending free time with their marital partner (4, p. 49). Parents whose marriage has developed successfully provide their children with the most clear and convincing example of how the life together of a husband and wife should be built. They complement each other and thereby ensure the success of education. Coordinated actions of parents are the most important prerequisite for successful personality formation.

K. Vitek devoted several studies to the importance of the personal example of parents for the future family life of children. For example, in a group of 39 “ideal” married couples, the majority responded that their parents served as an example of married life for them (69.2%). In a group of 149 married couples in whose relationships certain difficulties were observed, the positive example of parents was noted less often - 58.3% of respondents.

In another study, the results of a survey of 590 people were as follows (%):

Both parents were an example - 60.0

Parents were not always an example - 31.1

Only the mother was an example - 6.0 - only the father was an example - 1.2

Didn't grow up in a family - 1.7

As can be seen from these data, the majority assesses the example of their parents positively. And yet, a considerable part of the respondents did not have a constant positive example of both parents in childhood, which in general had a negative impact on their preparedness for family life.

When analyzing the nature of the educational influence of parents on children, the following picture was obtained (a group of 594 people was studied,%):

Inconsistent parenting - 29.7

Overly liberal upbringing - 1.5

And here, along with targeted upbringing on the part of parents, there are often situations when respondents negatively evaluate the educational influence of their parents, linking this with the shortcomings of their family life.

The data obtained lead to the conclusion that the nature of upbringing in the parental family largely determines the appearance of the children's future family. The most beneficial thing in this regard is reasonable upbringing, which includes the necessary exactingness, a warm attitude on the part of parents, spending free time together, and democracy.

An analysis of the causes of divorce has shown that failure in marriage is largely determined by errors in choosing a partner, that is, the chosen one either does not have the necessary personality traits, or the totality of his psychophysiological characteristics, views and interests does not correspond to the ideas and needs of the chooser. The author notes that disappointment in marriage can occur regardless of the fact that the partner has many of the most positive qualities. It is important that the husband and wife “suit” each other based on biological and moral factors, including various aspects of upbringing, political, cultural, religious views, or that the partners are tolerant of each other’s characteristics.

To reduce the divorce rate, a lot of educational and educational work is needed. In this regard, the task of generalizing and theoretically understanding empirical data in the field of marriage and family relations arises. Considering the prerequisites for future consent, the author highlighted the following points (4, p. 55):

The presence of primary attraction and biological compatibility in the relationship between a man and a woman.

We are talking about an indefinable inner sympathy, which can be based on such clear reasons as admiration for talent, achieved success, social status or an external aesthetic ideal. However, the occurrence of sympathy or antipathy is often very difficult to explain. A marriage without spontaneous attraction in most cases does not guarantee a successful marriage. However, the presence of sexual harmony is not yet enough for full marital happiness, since there are many other objective psychophysiological, moral, social differences and needs.

In connection with the problem of biological harmony, a fundamental moral question arises: are premarital sexual contacts justified during the period of searching for a partner? The old church education resolved this issue with dogmatic uncompromisingness. Sexual contact was allowed only within marriage and only for the purpose of conceiving a child. Currently, views in this area have undergone significant changes. However, frequent changes of partners are quite justifiably condemned by public opinion.

A harmonious marriage presupposes the social maturity of the spouses, preparedness for active participation in the life of society, and the ability to financially provide for their family. Such qualities as a sense of duty and responsibility for the family, self-control and flexibility are also very important. The intellectual level and character of the partners should not differ excessively (4, p. 57).

The author conducted a study in a group of 476 married men and married women. They were asked what qualities of a partner they valued most before marriage and after a certain period of married life (about 15 years). The most successful marriages turned out to be those who valued reliability, fidelity, love for family and strong character in their partners. In the group of happy marriages there were few who gave preference to their partner's appearance. External attractiveness, valued by young people, recedes into the background among older spouses; qualities such as love for family and the ability to manage a household become the main ones.

On some points, the views of men and women coincided. For example, that moral and intellectual qualities are more important than appearance. Men, however, valued women's appearance and love for family somewhat more. Women attached more importance to the delicacy and poise of men, and, on the contrary, they placed appearance in one of the last places. They rejected the rudeness of men, as well as their indecisiveness and cowardice.

Analysis of the data obtained made it possible to determine that spouses living in an “ideal marriage” most often have such personality traits as restraint, hard work, caring, dedication, and flexibility. They also tend to spend their free time together. At the same time, in emotionally disturbed marriages, spouses have a deficiency of these qualities.

Based on this, conclusions have been formulated that, firstly, before getting married, partners should pay attention to each other’s presence of such traits as self-control, hard work, caring, desire to spend free time together, breadth of nature, accuracy, delicacy, punctuality , dedication, flexibility. Secondly, effective work to prevent divorce presupposes the consistent formation of positive character traits necessary for future family life, starting from childhood. Parents must understand that long before marriage, by their upbringing they predetermine what the future marriage will be like. That is why an integral element of the work to prevent divorce should be the preparation of parents to perform educational functions.

As already mentioned, it is very important to know what the marital relationship of the chosen one’s parents was like, what the family structure was like, what the financial level of the family is, what negative phenomena are observed in the family and in the character of the parents. Even minimal family trauma often leaves a deep mark on the child’s soul and negatively affects his views, attitudes and subsequent behavior (8, p. 59).

Deep conflicts are inevitable where partners are diametrically different in their worldview, political or religious positions, views on raising children, maintaining hygiene rules, and on issues such as marital fidelity. It is well known how alcoholism, drug addiction, and sometimes smoking abuse have a bad effect on a marriage.

The education of spouses, of course, increases the cultural and material level of the family and serves as a prerequisite for a higher level of education for children. However, the author believes that there is no reason to believe that higher education is a guarantee of marital happiness and stability of marriage, which, in our opinion, must be agreed with.

Firstly, such spouses are more likely to critically evaluate their marriage and sometimes seek to resolve things that do not suit them through divorce. Secondly, universities do not pay special attention to the premarital education of young people, therefore, people with higher education are no different in this area from their peers.

Research data indicate that the well-being of a marriage is influenced by the labor stability of the spouses. Almost every fifth marriage of those surveyed who changed professions was somehow broken. Among the rest, discord was observed in approximately every tenth marriage. Obviously, by nature, people who often change jobs are characterized by instability, excessive dissatisfaction, and an inability to establish normal relationships with people. These qualities manifest themselves both at work and in the family.

Even fewer lasting marriages were observed in the group of people who intended to leave work during the study period - in this group of respondents, every fourth person was not satisfied with their marriage. This is another confirmation that a harmonious married life and family life is one of the important labor stabilizers (10, p. 60).

The age suitable for marriage is determined by the general maturity of the partners, as well as their preparedness to fulfill marital and parental responsibilities. If we agree with the prevailing opinion that maturity is achieved only in the third decade of a person’s life, then men and women should marry at least 20 years of age. The average marriage age is considered to be 20-24 years. This appears to be the most optimal age. Marriages of younger partners, precisely because of immaturity, unpreparedness and inexperience, are more likely to be at risk of divorce.

As for the duration of acquaintance before marriage, it is very important that during this period the partners get to know each other well, not only in optimally good living conditions, but also in difficult situations, when personal qualities are especially clearly manifested and character weaknesses are revealed. According to our data, most young people get married after 1-2 years of dating. This period is usually enough to get to know each other. But six, or even more so three months, is not enough for this.

Thus, the analysis of happy and unhappy marriages made it possible to identify some factors that play an important role in marriage, which must be taken into account already at the stage of choosing a partner.

As you know, marital harmony or disharmony is the result of the interaction of many factors that are difficult to list in order of their importance. However, some of them are still generally significant and can be traced in all marriages. If one or another factor is regularly identified in unsuccessful marriages, then recognizing it already at the stage of choosing a partner can serve as a signal of future complications in marital life.

People who show responsibility in the performance of official duties are more likely to achieve harmony in their married life. For example, among the surveyed workers and employees who had a clearly positive attitude towards work, 88.6% considered their marriage “ideal” or “generally good.” And vice versa, among workers who do not hide their negative attitude towards official duties, less than half called their marriage harmonious - 49.1% (13, p. 67)

Probably, those who are better aware of their capabilities and know how to make the right choices are more successful both at work and in their personal lives. Based on the data obtained, we can conclude that interesting work and satisfaction with it have a positive effect on marital life and, conversely, a good home atmosphere has a beneficial effect on ability to work and job satisfaction.

People who observe the principle of marital fidelity live in a harmonious marriage much more often than those who violate this principle. According to research, in the first group of respondents, successful marriages amounted to 89%, and failed marriages - 4%. In the second group, these figures were 72 and 11%, respectively.

Optimal marital balance is difficult to achieve with two extreme types of reaction: fast and overly emotional, on the one hand, and slow, inhibited, on the other.

Research data suggests that the best relationships were found among people who were able to solve all kinds of problems calmly and thoughtfully - 88.7% of harmonious marriages. A favorable situation was also observed among those who, in their opinion, “cannot be enraged” - 81.1% of harmonious marriages.

One of the most destabilizing elements in a marriage is the tendency to conflict. Quarrels between spouses negatively affect the entire atmosphere in the house. For example, in a group of 136 people who said they had no domestic arguments, the proportion of emotionally disturbed marriages was 6.7%.

The general culture of a person involves interests that go beyond official duties. These interests enrich a person, broaden his horizons, and have a beneficial effect on his ability to create good marital relationships. As the answers of 1,663 people surveyed showed, people interested in literature, theater, cinema, and fine arts are happier in marriage than those who do not have such interests - 86.8 and 75.4% of harmonious marriages, respectively (13, p. 69).

As you know, alcoholism has an extremely adverse effect, first of all, on family relationships. Research has shown that (2,452 people were surveyed) among those living in an “ideal marriage” there were 80.3% who do not drink alcoholic beverages or drink rarely. In a “generally good” marriage, the share of these individuals was 68.6%.

It is known that the state of health is determined not only genetically, it largely depends on the correct lifestyle, especially on physical training and the absence of bad habits. Research confirms that exercise has a positive effect on both your sex life and your marriage in general.

Among people involved in sports, the majority described their marriage as "generally good" and 29% described it as "ideal."

Several studies have been conducted examining the state of marital relationships in certain age periods. The data obtained allow us to draw the following conclusions. There are more ideal marriages among the youngest and among the oldest. Among the young, the factor of strong emotional attachment predominates, while among the elderly, the habit of each other, the experience of years lived together, which taught them to appreciate the benefits of a good married and family life.

The most unstable marriages are those of middle age (from 31 to 40 years). At the same time, as a rule, all kinds of family and educational problems become particularly aggravated, and marital relationships become commonplace, and not everyone manages to cope with this. The high level of divorces and the fairly frequent violation of marital fidelity in the youngest families indicate the thoughtlessness of marriage and the insufficient preparation of young people to choose a partner.

Research has shown that the happiest marriages are those in which love and commitment to each other reign. In the group where the decisive factor in marriage was love, the proportion of happy marriages was 92.1%, among those in which the basis of marriage was devotion to each other - 91.5%, in marriages existing for the sake of children - 75.3%, there where sexual harmony plays the main role, happy marriages amounted to 74.3% (15, p. 72).

Satisfaction with marital life to a certain extent depends on the daily routine of the spouses, on the division of their responsibilities, and the amount of personal and free time.

Satisfaction with family life also largely depends on satisfaction with the sexual relationships of the spouses. The reason for dissatisfaction with sexual life may be, in particular, an error in choosing a partner, manifested in different levels of sexual needs of spouses. In addition, their unpreparedness and insufficient culture in the field of sexual and psychological relations may have an effect.

Dissatisfaction in intimate relationships is a common phenomenon in modern marriages. Of the 476 married men and married women surveyed, 50.6% noted that sexual contacts did not bring them complete satisfaction. Moreover, women complained about their husbands’ purely physiological approach to intimate contacts, about the everydayness of relationships, and about their reluctance to enrich these relationships.

41.1% of men recognized their intimate relationships with their wives as harmonious. 42.2% said that their wives do not always show readiness for intimacy, 6.8% noted the indifference of their wives.

Some men - 8.5% said that their wives, although they do not refuse intimacy, do not themselves strive for sexual satisfaction (5, p. 76).

Of course, K. Vitek has formulated and described in detail and fully the areas of family activity that influence the harmony of family relationships.

Continuing this idea, M.S. Matskovsky and T.A. Gurko developed a conceptual model of factors influencing the successful functioning of a young family, which more clearly and deeply considers all aspects that influence the life of the family - its well-being or disadvantage (18, p. 76).

Thus, in marital relations there are currently a number of acute problems, such as:

Social and psychological incompatibility;

High level of conflict between spouses;

Errors in choosing a partner due to different views on life, lack of social maturity;

Alcoholism, drug addiction and other bad habits;

Labor instability of partners;

Marital infidelity, sexual disharmony.

Family is the most important value in life. Sometimes family relationships can change over time. But no matter what problems arise, you must always try to find compromises among yourself and solve problems together.

It happens that in some families there is a financial crisis in the relationship. Many divorces occur precisely because of this problem. So, what is a financial crisis in a relationship and how to survive it?

A crisis is a temporary phenomenon and if it happens, it will most likely pass after some time. At this time, the family experiences some emotional changes, most often negative. Constant quarrels and scandals lead to the fact that relationships will no longer be the same as before.

Economic changes occur very often in our country, so job layoffs or salary cuts will not surprise anyone.

How to cope with a financial crisis in the family - 10 steps

1. If your husband lost his job, don’t blame him for it! It's not easy for him right now. Support him morally, start looking for a job together, help him with this. Ask your friends, maybe they need employees at work, register on a job search site and post your resume.

2. Don't focus on the problem! Take your mind off bad thoughts and rather devote time to each other.

3. Find a hobby together. This way you will be distracted from the problem.

4. If you want to argue, then do it! Just not with each other, but alone. Psychologists advise doing this alone in a room; you can scream into a pillow. This way you will throw out all your negativity not on your husband, but into space.

5. If you want to cry, then give free rein to your emotions. As they say, cry and you will feel better.

6. If you are overwhelmed with negative emotions, before throwing them out on your loved ones, count to yourself to 10. It is guaranteed that after such a count you will no longer want to scream and swear.

7. Tell your friend or friend about your problem. Let them listen to you. Sometimes friends can give valuable advice!

8. Take a piece of paper and write all your thoughts and feelings on it. Most likely, after you read this message, you will feel relief.

9. Keep home accounting. After all, very often a family spends all the money before the next salary, without even setting aside any amount for a “rainy day.” Write down on paper all the expenses you make for the month: rent, telephone, groceries, travel, car maintenance, etc. Subtract this from your income. Then it will be easier for you to understand how much pocket money you will have left over. Save 10% of every salary. To avoid the temptation to spend these savings, open a bank account and deposit this amount into the account. At the end of the year, you will be pleasantly surprised by the accumulated amount.

Even if you remain unemployed, you will have an accumulated amount on which you will live until you find a new job.

10. Go to the store with a list made in advance. After all, supermarkets often display goods in such a way that the buyer buys as many goods as possible. Avoid spontaneous purchases. This will help you avoid spending your budget ahead of time.

Here are some simple tips on how to survive a financial crisis in your family. Solve problems together, consider each other's opinions. A financial crisis has both a beginning and an end. Do not accuse your loved one of all mortal sins, but rather support him morally. Constant quarrels and scandals will not make anyone feel any better; work will not come into their own hands and money will not increase. Discuss problems in a calm voice, do not shout at each other. Remember that there is always a solution to any problem, and because... This is a family problem, so you must solve it together.

Only together can you find a compromise and then no crisis will be scary!

Z Hello, dear visitors of the Orthodox island “Family and Faith”!

P According to statistics, for every 100 registered marriages per year, 80 divorces are registered. Think about this terrible figure! Are we okay people? What do spouses do wrong in their family life that causes their marriage to collapse? Why, after a few years of marriage, in the same apartment, instead of two loving people, there are two people who are united only by a shared living space and children (if any). And is this unity, this family happiness possible in our time, or does it only happen in fairy tales?

We offer for your reference the next chapter from the book of Archpriest Pavel Gumerov: “HE and SHE”, entitled: “Family Life”, in which you will find a description of typical mistakes that most often happen in family life, and which can cause divorce:

"WITH A wedding, a marriage celebration, has always been considered the culmination of human joy and happiness. It is not for nothing that the Lord Jesus Christ in the Gospel parables, speaking about the joy and bliss of the Kingdom of Heaven, so often turns to the image of a wedding feast, a wedding meal. And our Russian fairy tales usually end with a “feast and a wedding”: “And they began to live, live and make good things.” Moreover, goodness is not only material, but also spiritual: kindness, affection and love for each other.

Almost every girl dreams of a wedding, every young man, even the most frivolous, thinks of eventually becoming the head of the family, of seeing the continuation of his family line in his children and grandchildren.

Let's imagine a wedding. A cortege of cars festively decorated with ribbons and flowers takes the newlyweds to the church. Solemn wedding. According to an important and sacramental point, “the groom is very serious, and the bride is dazzlingly young” and beautiful in her snow-white dress with a veil. Her mother secretly cries with joy for the newlyweds. After the wedding, the priest speaks heartfelt words about the joy of family life and mutual responsibility before God and each other.

The secular, official part also took place very solemnly; The groom’s parents are secular people and therefore I had to pay tribute to them, “so that everything would be like people’s.” The traditional Mendelssohn march in the registry office, champagne, kisses, and the groom carries the bride in his arms to the car. How many songs have been written about weddings, how many customs and rituals surround this event! Comic kidnapping of the bride, ransom of the young and much, much more. And of course the wedding feast. Shouts: “Bitter!”, warm words, tears of joy. True, I know from my own experience that newlyweds want the noisy festive fun to end as soon as possible, and they will finally be left alone. How many toasts and wishes are said at weddings: And “more children”, and “the house is a full cup” and “advice and love”, in general, everything is as it should be. And it seems to everyone that these young people will definitely live happily ever after and die on the same day. And the newlyweds themselves are firmly convinced of this, that ordinary problems will not affect them: routine and everyday life will not destroy their feelings, an insidious homewrecker or a third wheel will not appear. After all, they love each other so much!

The wedding is traditionally followed by a honeymoon. It can happen in different ways. Some people go to Holy Places; this is an old, pre-revolutionary tradition. For example, I.S. After his marriage, Shmelev visited the Valaam monastery with his young wife and then described his journey. Some people prefer a pleasure tour to warmer climes - Turkey, Egypt or Crimea. Sometimes newlyweds simply spend time in solitude in a suburban “hacienda” near Moscow. All this is not so important, the main thing is that they are together and happy together. Young people have almost no problems, they enjoy life, everything suits them in each other, it seems nice and funny, they absolutely do not see any shortcomings and it will always be so, they think.

But now the honeymoon passes, everyday life begins. Work, worries, daily cooking, cleaning and laundry. And the first problems appear. A young husband and wife both usually work or study, and sometimes both. And so the husband goes home from work, tired after a day of work and thinks: “I work from morning to evening, I am the breadwinner of the family, I need a break from worries, now I’ll come home, my wife will greet me with a hot, delicious dinner, I’ll take a newspaper, read, or I’ll just lie down on the sofa, sleep, and then watch a very interesting match on TV, because today is the semi-final of the World Cup!” And so he comes home and sees that there is no one at home at all, and then his wife comes and says that she was late at work, she had to finish the annual report. The husband endures all this for now, takes store-bought dumplings out of the refrigerator and begins to silently cook them, but the evening is already ruined. Not exactly a hot dinner, but he didn’t even find a wife at home who was supposed to meet him, hug and caress him. And the wife sees the situation in her own way: “I work not only at work, but also, when I come home from work, I work at home: I cook, wash dishes, clean, that is, I just spin around all day, like a squirrel in a wheel. I need rest too. I want my husband to come home and appreciate all this. If he doesn’t give flowers every evening, then at least a chocolate bar, and then he would sit next to me and I would start telling him what happened that day, sharing my experiences, and then he would tell me some interesting and funny story. But instead he tries to lie down on the sofa or turn on the TV, and maybe I want to watch it myself.”

At first, the spouses do not create scandals, they accumulate irritation and resentment within themselves, but the alienation grows like a crack in the ice. Further - more, and after a while they begin to be annoyed in the other by what previously seemed sweet and pleasant. Some not quite correct facial features and habits. Something that was not noticed at all before now causes bouts of irritation.

For example, when a wife brushes her teeth, she begins to squeeze the paste out of the tube from the end, carefully rolling it into a tube, and the husband presses on the middle. This is terrible! The husband cuts the bread, holding it in weight, and the wife, only placing it on the cutting board. And so on.

And the first quarrels and scandals begin, in which everyone, naturally, tries to shift the blame onto the other, to justify themselves: “The way you cook borscht, my mother never cooked it like that,” “And the way you hammer nails, your hands are on the wrong end.” inserted, or what?”, “And you, a woman, will teach me to do a man’s work?”, “Yes, your mother never knew how to cook! And your whole family is a bunch of incompetents and losers!” Women in general really like to generalize everything. After such “showdowns,” the husband increasingly stays late at work, and when he comes home, he smells of alcohol. And the wife generally thinks that this whole wedding is the biggest mistake in her life, and why didn’t she accept the proposal of her college friend Vitya, because he loved her so much, wanted to get married, and she refused him for the sake of this insensitive cracker and loser.

And now the spouses, who have lived together for a very short time, just a few years, increasingly remember where their passports are, so that they can take them and go to the place where not long ago they exchanged rings to the accompaniment of Mendelssohn’s march, but only in order to to put a completely different, fatal stamp on passports - “Marriage dissolved. On such and such a date..."

This story is very typical of our time. Indeed, according to statistics in our country, for every 100 registered marriages per year, 80 divorces are registered. But everything could have been completely different. After all, our young people had feelings for each other, at first they felt good together, no one interfered with their happiness. What did they do wrong and why was their marriage shipwrecked? Why, after several years of marriage, in the same apartment, instead of loving people, there were two people who were united only by a shared living space and children (if any). This is what one friend of mine said: “My husband and I have only our children in common.”

Let's try to find answers to these important questions. The original, working title of the book you are now holding in your hands was “And the two shall become one flesh” (then, due to circumstances, the title had to be changed). These are words from the Bible (Gen. 2:24), and the Lord also says “what God has joined together, let not man separate” (Mk. 10:9). What is united in marriage should not be destroyed by our selfishness, inertia, laziness and irritability. I wanted to call my book that because I hope that it can help people understand what divides us and how we differ from each other, and come to the desired unity in marriage. These words of Holy Scripture about the unity of two in one body (flesh) of marriage express the meaning and purpose of marriage. To become no longer two separate people, but a single organism. One soul and body. Come to unanimity and unity. And that is why marriage is always a sacrament, even when the spouses are not yet ready for the wedding. Any legal marriage is a secret; there is something sacramental and mystical in it. After all, two, sometimes completely different individuals, with their own habits, external physical data, life experience, heredity, must become a single whole, and this union is higher and stronger than blood kinship. After all, between parents and children there is a first degree of relationship (one), and between spouses there is a zero degree (zero); they are closer relatives than parents and children. This is partly reflected even in civil legislation. So is this unity, this family happiness possible in our time, or does it only happen in fairy tales?

Life in a family, in marriage, is an entire art, it is learned throughout one’s life, smart spouses always take advantage even from mistakes in order to improve their relationship, and these difficulties not only do not destroy their marriage, but cement it even more firmly. It's time to finally start thinking about the most important things in life; you can't live by inertia. You need to read books, consult with family experts, priests, and reflect on your own married life.

Many, of course, learn this science in childhood, following the good example of their parents. Well, what if there wasn’t such a good example, if you weren’t taught in childhood, if you weren’t given an example of a strong, friendly family? This means that you yourself need to comprehend this difficult science and engage in self-education.

Archpriest Maxim Kozlov, rector of the Church of St. Martyr Tatiana at Moscow State University, a person who works a lot with young people, once made an interesting remark that when preparing for marriage, people think about anything: what style of wedding dress and suit to choose, what wedding rings to buy, where the wedding will take place feast, that is, about things that, by and large, have no meaning, and do not think at all about: what we want from our marriage and each other, how we will build our relationships, and, finally: how we can make each other happy ? And both the bride and groom, as well as mature spouses, need to think about these questions.

Now I will give a number of nouns that can be united by one common name: ship, fire, house, work, teapot, tree, struggle, body, decision, flower, sacrifice, team. What do these words have in common, you ask? Well, except that a tree and a flower are plants, but everything else has no direct connection. The fact is that all these words are names, images, if you like, allegories of family life. Using their example, we will try to understand what family life is, how to tune in to it and how to avoid the most common mistakes.”

Discussion: 3 comments

In one of the articles there was a very true statement: “The second half will be found when the first half is filled.” And indeed, in my opinion, most marriages are created from half-empty halves that do not have the correct idea of ​​\u200b\u200bmarriage, the goals and objectives that should be set in marriage, and also agreed upon before marriage, the correct family hierarchy, as a result of which family life leads to the breakdown of marriage.
Another reason may be the struggle for leadership in the family that arises in marriage, especially for girls who begin to set the goal of achieving the family position of “husband under the thumb.” The man begins to resist (although some at the initial stage even consider this something funny). But in the end, sooner or later this leads to divorce.
And another reason, in my opinion, is having sex before marriage. And the more varied the intimate life was before marriage, in terms of changing partners, the more mentally devastated the person gets married. And the person “gave away” his spiritual wealth, which should be given to his soul mate in marriage, piece by piece to his sexual partners. Mental strength upon entering into marriage becomes so impoverished that in marriage a person cannot create conditions under which one of the spouses would not leave.

Answer

1. As for the fullness of the halves, this is well said. But the marriages of “meaningful” people are also highly susceptible to disruptive conflicts. There are many reasons for them: of course, there is also a woman’s thirst for the supremacy of everyday life and its primacy in it, and in all life. But there are other reasons, for example, even the class difference between spouses. One, for example, is frivolous and saves money, while the other gives him extravagance and latitude - after all, this comes from childhood living conditions. And there’s no getting away from it, because we all “come from childhood.” There are reasons of intimate psychological origin - they, too, cannot be eliminated by “effort of will.”
   “Living life is not crossing a field,” so without tension, without a mental and spiritual attitude towards DUTY, it is worthwhile to fulfill the task of such a “crossing the field”, without observing the “technique” of such a transition - without all this, a person will almost never endure this difficult path .
   And about the waste of strength and the fading and overgrowing of a person’s mental strength with ordinariness - you also noticed this quite well. In marriage, it is also worth remembering that a person can only value what is “not hackneyed.” It is necessary to observe PSYCHOHYGIENE of relationships. One of their regulators is posts. But even here you need to have a head, sensitivity, and endurance.

   Answer

As for the family, it’s very simple: you need to choose your soul mate with your heart and soul, and not with your body, i.e. eyes, hands, etc. And under no circumstances should you enter into intimate relationships before marriage. And of course, whoever often visits the temple and communicates with the priest has much less chance of entering into a marriage not according to fate, that is, ending in divorce. Often, most young people consider themselves smart, “advanced” in all respects, and this is pride, first of all, This is what catches us, the one who is against God.

I would like to wish our youth to study more, not only in our universities, but also in life above all. This is very important, this is our future. If each of us takes care of our education in life, then our world will change for the better. I apologize that I allowed myself to express my opinion.

Answer