Parenting rules: what to do if dad yells at his child? I yell at my daughter all the time.

I can’t say that he always yells, but if the child does something wrong, he always raises his tone or speaks irritably. The daughter is offended and becomes "in a pose". The girl is six years old. Dad, seeing this "pose" begins to scream at her, the daughter's face changes, her lips begin to tremble and after that tears begin.
A couple of weeks ago, my daughter knocked over her cup of milk at breakfast. The cup broke, the milk spilled. Manyunya even covered her little face with her hands in fear. Dad started yelling: "I trusted you!!!" Oh my god it's a baby!!! I removed the fragments and told my daughter that it was okay, and told my dad that he beats the dishes more often (this is true, I didn’t even argue). Bukhtel for several days that I do not punish her. Damn, why???
Yesterday again, great. I lie in the bedroom in the evening watching TV, my daughter plays in her room. The husband comes into her room and starts yelling: "What have you done???!!! You have nothing else to do???!!!" Oh my God. I thought she either made a fire there, or made a flood, so he shouted. It turned out that the daughter simply pulled out 18 sheets of paper for the printer (dad counted), wrote a letter on each and played with dolls to school. I'm just shocked! What to yell for? Well, you can explain that you can’t take so many sheets without asking, calmly and without shouting. As a result, the daughter climbed into the closet and burst into tears. I got her out of there, she hung around my neck, I took her into the bedroom, hugged her and reassured her. And she said that dad is evil and she loves mom more because mom is good. Dad heard it. Today my daughter went to visit her grandmother, and my husband made a scandal for me. It turns out that I am not engaged in raising my daughter, I allow her everything, and therefore she loves me, but he does not. He is a strict dad, because he was raised in strictness, he was flogged with a soldier's belt and he grew up as a normal person. Well, in general, everything is in this spirit.

Can't say it's always been like this. Daughter loves him. This morning, I could not stand it and raised my voice to my husband, and then asked if he liked it when they spoke to him like that. So the daughter came running and stood up for dad, asked me not to yell at him. I tried to talk with my husband about punishments more than once, and tried to explain that it was not necessary to speak with a child in a raised voice. He listens to all this, but does it his own way. Now my daughter is asking for a brother, I have already agreed and my husband and I are planning a second pregnancy, but such “failures” of my husband discourage me from having a second child. How can I explain to my husband that yelling at children is not allowed? How to behave if the husband breaks down?

Only, pliz, it is not necessary to give advice about divorce. Everything is fine in our family and this the only problem that I would like to deal with.

Katya Ivanova: heading - Other 14.06.2018 16:46:07

My father is constantly yelling

How do I move out of my parents at 19? I am a girl. It's not because of some childish desire to hang out. The fact is that my father yells over trifles, if he doesn’t like something, then he speaks to the wild ones. My heart starts beating so fast like it's going to jump out. For me, this is a very difficult step. Find a job, then a place to live. Then you realize how hard it is to do all this alone at 19. We live in a rented apartment. + We pay every year for a residence permit is not a small amount of money. Then it all comes down to me. From one performance you want a bullet in the forehead.

ginger:

Are you in college or somewhere else? ask for a hostel, and if you don’t study, then go and study - this is the best way out

Ivan Prokhorov:

Everyone is yelling ... the current soulless and cowardly are silent ..) don’t give a fever .... don’t go anywhere ... and forgive dad ..) the time will come and he will realize that he overdid it ..) strength of mind to you! .. calm... you can handle it..)

come to any city you will find an apartment gradually and everything else ... my tenants lived from distant cities, everything took root ... and I left home at 19 ... it is in such years that a breakthrough is made, and in our time the Internet is generally everything you can find it in advance

Christina Cole:

You need to try to build a relationship with your father and not take everything personally. Of course, when you are treated like that, it’s hard to do anything easy at all if everything is perceived that way. You will need to work very hard, be responsible and strong man. This is a huge step in independent life where you have to provide for yourself. You need to focus just on this, and not on relationships with relatives. Many people don’t like a lot of things, not everyone can control themselves and take it more or less calmly. It is useless to explain to such a person what and how. For him, this is not a trifle, he will say that he does not like it. You just need to ignore it. You don't like the way he does it. Therefore, you should look for a job and work. Then, in your apartment, you don’t have to worry about someone. Good luck!)

Tanya Seregina:

Yes, what bullets, why are you ... get away from him. Live with someone on rent, then maybe you will find a guy. It's hard... but who's easy?

31.08.2009, 13:12

Daughters - 11 years old. Father loves very much, but does not respect a penny. The attitude is arrogant and patronizing, as if he were a friend and classmate.

Meanwhile, the father is a man who is quite sharp and stubborn. He believes that the daughter should almost immediately fulfill his requests and orders, due to the fact that he is the father, and she "still has little experience, the personality is not formed, etc. (his words).
Characteristic example.
Daughter sits at the computer in the evening. Father - "turn it off." Zero emotions, in best case a careless nod of the head .. The second time, turn it off, the situation is the same. After 15 minutes, the same request sounds already in raised tones, the daughter is in tears .. "Dad offends me." As a result, everyone sits in their room and pouts at each other , and I walk between them and try to reconcile them .. By the way, if I find myself in the middle of such a conflict, I manage to somehow smooth it out, if not, a full-length scandal ..
I tell my husband, leave her alone. The faster you leave her, the faster she will do what you ask. etc..

Meanwhile, everything I ask for, she does quickly enough and without talking ..
Despite such a relationship, the daughter loves her father very much, misses him when he is gone for a long time, waits ..
He loves her very much too.
My attempts to reconcile them have not yet led to any results. Both are stubborn like sheep. In the evenings, the situation is quite tense.
Maybe someone will suggest something = something sensible.
Thanks in advance.. :flower:

31.08.2009, 13:16

31.08.2009, 13:27

IMHO, in the words "does what he wants", there is truth. If my daughter hadn't turned off the computer, I wouldn't repeat it a third time. I would just walk up and press the button.
Another thing is what the underlying reason is. For example, it's late, it's time for bed. Or just selfishness?
No, really late .. If he turns it off, there will be a scandal with tears ..

Murashkina

31.08.2009, 13:29

Option one.

Option two.

31.08.2009, 13:35

I cannot be helpful in sharing father-child experiences, since there is no father in our family, but, if I may, I will share HOW I achieve my commands to the child.

Option one.
If he is in the game, I never give him commands to immediately execute. At first I ask: "How much time is left for you before the end (there are always, there are some logical conclusions - level, stage, etc.)?"
He gives me an answer. If the wait can be long, I bargain - to postpone it until tomorrow, if the stage is short - I agree to wait until completion, but immediately after that - turn it off.

Option two.
Whenever I give a command to my son, I give him a time period (so that he does not feel like in the Army): "Son, you should be in bed in 15-20 minutes."

It works because it knocks out the ground for conflicts.
Thank you.. :flower:
This is reasonable. I will suggest that my husband do the same .. In principle, I am doing something similar to your second option ..

31.08.2009, 13:35

Probably, this is a common thing - mothers have problems with their sons, fathers have problems with their daughters. But everyone loves each other! We have such a problem with our son, but he is already 16. Everything is fine with dad, but I'm already shaking from him. When he should come home or I, everything is already bubbling inside me in advance, because what I won’t say is all “nonsense”, arguing all the time, all the time against and does not understand any explanations ...: 009:

Murashkina

31.08.2009, 13:39

but he does not respect a penny. The attitude is arrogant and patronizing, as if he were a friend, a classmate.
The expressions "You're completely already", "Stop being rude to me and pr-constantly in use.



31.08.2009, 15:10

Daughter - 11 years old.
I tell my daughter, do what she asks, because the request is reasonable .. The answer is I understand, but I myself want and must decide what and when to do.

It seems to me that at the age of 11, both you yourself and the father of the child should explain that she can decide for herself what and when to do, she can only within reasonable limits. That is, if she needs to come home from school, do her homework and help around the house, then she has the right to decide when to sit at the computer and when to take a walk, and when to do things, but so that the process does not suffer.
And she can’t decide that she will sit at the computer until 3 o’clock in the morning because she wants to, because she is still a child and there should be at least some kind of regimen.

In general, we are doing at home as you have already been written: dear, you have 15 minutes left, please wrap up. And so in everything. This also applies to chatting on the phone and reading books, and walking - we discuss in advance when we are approximately waiting for her home (for lunch and dinner, for example). If some new circumstances arose with the festivities - a mandatory call back and a warning about a change in plans.

In general, at this age, it is necessary to negotiate with a young teenager, showing that adults are ready to take into account his opinion, but also that adults themselves also have some kind of opinion. If these opinions do not coincide, seek a compromise.
We, too, have a 13-year-old daughter with her dad, periodically there are some outbreaks due to someone's superfluous, in my opinion, obstinacy. I then go to the culprit of the quarrel, explain who is right, who is wrong, spend educational conversations:) so far it is possible to smooth out quarrels In a similar way, guilty goes to apologize.

31.08.2009, 15:31

Most of all, it affects my son when I say to him absolutely sincerely in response to some boorish-looking remark: “Why are you, son, talking to me like that. It hurts and hurts me a lot!” And this affects him much more effectively than if I scolded him, scolded him, punished him.
I do pretty much the same thing..

Murashkina

31.08.2009, 15:34

I do pretty much the same thing..
But the point is. that father can’t talk like that .. A little something also breaks down ..

Then dad needs to watch the first point about "respect" and "respectful attitude" :)

In general, I envy. The father-child communication format is so needed, we don’t have it, I have to be both dad and mom.

31.08.2009, 18:41

We also have friction daughter - father, dads do not perceive our children as independent and large, and the children have already grown up, ours is already 17, and dad is still trying to build it. I also go, conduct explanatory conversations with all the affected parties)) and I keep saying to my husband: “Well, you wouldn’t allow yourself to talk to me like that? Why is it possible with your daughter?” slowly, but shifts are taking place. Because when I talk to my daughter, she understands that she was rightly told, but does not understand why in such a tone.

31.08.2009, 19:06

31.08.2009, 19:09

31.08.2009, 19:15

we had an analogous situation, simply because dad orders, not asks. Let him say something like “Daughter, cat, sun, and then a request, the child’s reaction will be 100% positive and from the 1st time, try it.

Alas, our dad is not affectionate by nature. So what about "the cat, the sun, etc." and there is no question. :(

31.08.2009, 20:13

Parents and children. What is it in different sides barricade. And everyone has their own truth. We love them and they love us. Just. But why do children have to follow commands like dogs? We have father and son normal relationship, they are friends. but sometimes on panin's order junior years fast sleep type should answer: I'm not your daughter. From the series: what you sow ... She is 5 years old, her son is 20. And the question is how we will communicate in a year, three, ten .. And you won’t tell dad that you don’t have experience. He is the ultimate truth. Sorry for a lot of bukff

31.08.2009, 21:46

The topic is just sore. We also have a dad with an older (16) can’t find it anyway common language. Thank God that this is happening in waves. Either they live soul to soul, then they rush at each other. And my attempts to explain to my husband that you can’t behave like this are broken against a wall of misunderstanding. "I'm a dad, so she must obey me and fulfill everything on demand" As if he himself fulfills the requests right away ....
There you go, that's right :(

31.08.2009, 22:50

Ooooh, sore subject. Daughters 15, with dad a complete misunderstanding. Constant swearing, he tries to build it all the time. It pains me to watch this, but if I interfere, then on his part he immediately reproaches that I indulge and spoil her and what will grow out of her ...
Tin, in short.

31.08.2009, 23:50

Our daughter is 12 years old - everything the Author writes about is about us. Our dad also develops a commanding voice on it. Angry at me that I react calmly to her antics. I always tell him that I myself was like that - also stubborn, constantly arguing with dad. But now, with age: ded:, I respect and understand my parents very much. I try to negotiate with my daughter, sometimes I quarrel with her, but we quickly "leave". I always remind our dad that in the life of his daughters he is their first beloved man, and it is he who will lay a lot in their life. Not for long, but it helps.

01.09.2009, 00:55

I cannot be helpful in sharing father-child experiences, since there is no father in our family, but, if I may, I will share HOW I achieve my commands to the child.

Option one.
If he is in the game, I never give him commands to immediately execute. At first I ask: "How much time is left for you before the end (there are always some logical conclusions - level, stage, etc.)?"
He gives me an answer. If the wait can be long, I bargain - to postpone it until tomorrow, if the stage is short - I agree to wait until completion, but immediately after that - turn it off.

Option two.
Whenever I give a command to my son, I give him a time period (so that he does not feel like in the Army): "Son, you should be in bed in 15-20 minutes."

It works because it knocks out the ground for conflicts.
Here great option solutions to your problem. It remains to inspire it to her husband.
I say this as someone very similar to your daughter in terms of "I have to do it myself." Itself the same, now it is less manifested, of course, than in childhood.
I don't know how important this is to your daughter, but to me
If my daughter hadn't turned off the computer, I wouldn't repeat it a third time. I would just walk up and press the button.
would not work, even if repeated every day and every day ended in a scandal. It's just that the author who wrote the quoted phrase does not have a daughter like that.
Accept your daughter like this, no need to break her in this regard. Just do not forget about this trait of her character and after each request, let's give a little time to fulfill it, so that she does it "herself", and not by order, especially in adolescence and everything will be ok. My mother, thank God, understood this, and we never quarreled on this basis.
You also understand, now you need to somehow persuade your husband to behave as suggested by solnyshkoelena, very good options problem solving.

03.09.2009, 16:51

we had an analogous situation, simply because dad orders, not asks. Let, before asking to do anything, say something like “Daughter, cat, sun and then a request, the child’s reaction will be 100% positive and from the 1st try.

I had a situation the other day, I strictly told my son to turn off the computer, it's time to sleep, and he answered, so calmly and seriously: "Mom, I heard" notes of collision "in your voice :)), so I don't want to to fulfill your request", after such a statement, I could not resist and burst out laughing, and then apologized for such "collision notes" and asked in a different way, like, please, end your game session, because I need to go to bed, after which the son willingly complied with my request. :)

03.09.2009, 19:00



I also try to explain this to my husband .. Yesterday there was an incident, I see it began to boil. The daughter went into the next room. I forbade my husband to yell .. maybe not quite right. but she said, "If there was a son, I would have yelled at him, both men, but don't dare at the girl" Calmed down ..
I just think that for a daughter, a father is like masculinity, a kind of sample should be what will be her future man.. and then screams .. scandals .. Father's opinion should be calm and authoritative. I think so:)

05.09.2009, 10:51

First, I think it is necessary to distinguish between the concepts of "respect" and "respect".
A person can only earn self-respect, and it is not possible to demand respect for someone (without perspective).
But to demand respectful attitude- it is possible and necessary. And mutually (parents-children).

I am calm about the youth slang of my son addressed to me.
But it's one thing when he jokingly says to me "Mom, fuck off!", But I will never let him say the same thing to me in all seriousness in a fit of anger. And the child feels this line.

Most of all, it affects my son when I say to him absolutely sincerely in response to some boorish-looking remark: “Why are you, son, talking to me like that. It hurts and hurts me a lot!” And this affects him much more effectively than if I scolded him, scolded him, punished him.

05.09.2009, 11:23

First, I think it is necessary to distinguish between the concepts of "respect" and "respect".
A person can only earn self-respect, and it is not possible to demand respect for someone (without perspective).
But to demand a respectful attitude is possible and necessary. And mutually (parents-children).

I am calm about the youth slang of my son addressed to me.
But it's one thing when he jokingly says to me "Mom, fuck off!", But I will never let him say the same thing to me in all seriousness in a fit of anger. And the child feels this line.

Most of all, it affects my son when I say to him absolutely sincerely in response to some boorish-looking remark: “Why are you, son, talking to me like that. It hurts and hurts me a lot!” And this affects him much more effectively than if I scolded him, scolded him, punished him.
In general, this is so. But specifically in the family, you cannot respect your father without respecting him. Being afraid, you can. And you cannot love him without respecting him.

05.09.2009, 12:20

I say right away that this is my subjective opinion, many may not agree ... But, before dad begins to “educate” his daughter with an elevated tone, or even swearing, shouldn’t he “educate” him a little?;)
I remember very well from my childhood that my mother could scold me and even scream, but for dad to behave like this with me .. There was a rule in the family: A man does not shout at a Woman and does not raise his voice, It doesn’t matter, daughter or Mother .. Father could during a skirmish, strictly say "Anyuta !!" well, further on the topic, but to yell ..

I totally agree! And I have such a dad. Once in my entire life he yelled at me (she brought it on herself). The calm speech of the father always worked better than the cries of the mother. I don't allow my husband to yell at my daughter either. First I make you cool down, and then go to negotiations. And they agree well. A father is an example of a future relationship with a husband. Ask your husband if he really would like his son-in-law to yell at his daughter someday.

Hello, I am 23 years old, married, daughter 3 and a half. Lately I too often yell at my daughter with or without reason. Every evening, falling asleep, I promise myself that tomorrow it won’t be like this, for half a day I kind mother but then again she will do something and I will yell again, even the sound of my own voice is unpleasant to me at such moments, I sincerely don’t want this, but it still happens, after I hug my daughter and kiss her and say that I didn’t want to scold her at all , it just happened, but sometimes there are days when I just do what I yell, if my husband is at home, then at him too. And I can first allow my daughter, for example, to play with some water, and then swear at the fact that there is water everywhere, although I knew what I was going to allow.
My mother was the same when I was little, she is still like that, constantly screaming, some kind of restless mind. Of course, I love my mother, she has many advantages, but nevertheless I don’t want to be like that, because I remember how it all dripped onto my brain as a child, the same words, the same phrases, and the worst thing is that now and I use them. I just remember how unpleasant it was in childhood, when my mother yells and yells and yells .. You are trying to make her pleasant words soothe, but she doesn't care... AND THE SAME ME NOW. And sometimes I know that I'm wrong, and it infuriates me even more. Please tell me how to avoid this self-reflex behavior. Thank you.

Psychologists Answers

Veronica, good afternoon.

It is better for you to investigate this issue together with a psychologist. Look for a psychologist who will help you work through the relationship with your mother and daughter.

Perhaps it will be a specialist working according to the method of symbol drama, or a specialist working in the technique of family systemic constellations.

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Veronica, hello.

I sympathize with you and respect you for the fact that you see the reason in yourself and want to change something in yourself, and do not blame circumstances, your husband and, God forbid, your child))). I sympathize, because 3 years is a very long time. difficult age and you need a lot of patience and understanding so as not to explode))) Especially with today's thermonuclear kids. At 3 years old (the first crisis of growing up), children become stubborn and non-verbal, capricious and wayward. Everyone wants to do it on their own, and if they don’t allow it, they get angry, and if they allow it and it doesn’t work, they get angry too. Just some kind of punishment))) But what should they do? The spirit of independence pushes for "feats" and research, but it's scary and it doesn't work out. And then adults will allow, and then yell (sorry), and then kiss like a little one and strive to do everything for him! Well, where can I learn something.

And you need to learn and you need to accumulate experience of success (I did it myself), otherwise where will self-confidence come from? This is how the "loser in life" is born.

Self-doubt also begins from the fact that the child does not receive an unambiguous message: "it is possible" or "it is impossible." Mom says "you can" at first, then it turns out that "you can't." Children are calm and bold in their knowledge of the world when adults are consistent.

Reacting to everything with a cry is a habit unconsciously learned from childhood: mother always screams. Someone has a habit - to react to everything with resentment or crying. It's hard to change a habit, but it's possible. The main thing is to want and take responsibility for it. It's good that when you scream - you see yourself from the outside. And you will consider yourself even better: what a "cute" screaming you are, what kind of look and "angelic" voice you have. Look at yourself at this moment through the eyes of a child or at this moment look at yourself in the mirror %=0. It was at the moment of the cry, and not later. From personal experience: the scream immediately becomes not so "hot" and some kind of fake, and in general the desire to scream disappears))) Checked)))

And further. what can weaken your habit of screaming - children see, understand and remember everything, and they also grow up and then return everything to us. And then it is very embarrassing in front of them, although not every mother admits this ....

Oh yes! If you now learn to respect the personality in your child, accompany him in independence, then, waving your hand from the future, the teenage crisis will probably be milder. After all, any "kickoffs" of children are protests against the unwillingness to understand and reckon with them.

The decision to scream or not to scream is up to you. The main thing is to be consistent in your decisions.

Not only do we teach children, they also teach us something. left to understand - why?

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Hello, Veronica. What is happening, my daughter is threatened with neurosis, a strong sense of shame, guilt, an acute sense of her defectiveness and second-rate quality. Such a child cannot be happy. And being a woman, she will be unhappy in love. Mom, apparently, loved you dubious Love. Love for something. And you need to love with love for no reason. Just because there is a daughter. Regardless of her behavior. Then it will be aerobatics. The way out of this is to love your daughter with a qualitatively different love than your mother loved you. She loved you for desired behavior and deeds. there is and at the same time in a pleasant proximity to each other. Patience to you!

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Good evening, my father often breaks down on the whole family. Yelling at me and my mom. they have constant quarrels with their mother, almost every evening, and she endures all this. moreover, the father raises his voice over trifles (for example, when his laptop freezes, at which I was sitting before, but everything was fine with me or, for example, today the handle from the bag came off - he stopped and started yelling at us all over the street, as if we were to blame. - he unfolds a whole epic from this trifle - screams, blushes). Such states begin suddenly for him - he is sometimes sweet and kind, but at any moment he can "lose his temper." In my childhood, there was a case when I went into the room, I didn’t know that he was there, but he SHOOTS LOOK ... I had a nervous breakdown, they gave me valerian to calm me down.
a week ago I tried to talk to him - said that it was impossible to talk to him without screaming, said that his mental imbalance was morally pressing on everyone and asked him to be softer. he agreed, even tried to be kind, sympathetic for half a day, but again he began to break down over trifles. (This situation is repeated dozens of times). I don’t know what to do, it seems to me that from this I am very constrained now in life and uncommunicative. help with advice please. the family is on the verge of collapse, I don’t know how much my mother will endure him .... I can’t anymore ...

Hello Anastasia! You should address your father NOT from the position of criticism - do not blame him for being unbalanced, that it is impossible to communicate with him - these are YOU-messages - they are perceived by another person as criticism and you want to close from this stream, not to hear! When addressing your father, speak FROM yourself - use I-messages - it’s difficult for me, it’s hard for me, it hurts for me, etc. - then you will give your father a chance to hear exactly what is happening inside you. You should NOT wait for your father to change - this is his usual style of behavior, communication - it is important for you to accept for yourself - that THIS IS SO! You should not get into the relationship between mom and dad - mom suffers, dad screams - these are the positions that they choose - how much mom will endure - depends only on mom! You should switch more to your life - start communicating with people (and you should not see the reason that you are now uncommunicative in your father - first of all it is inside you!), help yourself, and do not wait for changes from your father - he is ON YOUR life is NOT affected! cYou need to get to know people, their interests, their views and attitudes, get to know yourself, acquire life experience, learn, develop yourself, work on yourself. The whole world is in front of you, but you focus only on the problem with your father - accept him as such and he will NOT be this problem for you, you ALREADY KNOW what to expect from him - and this is already safer than hoping and trying to change him!

Shenderova Elena Sergeevna, psychologist Moscow

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Anastasia, hello.

People unreasonably raise their voices because of a systemic psycho-physiological disorder that a person cannot overcome, simply from the fact that he is asked about it. That is, in essence, it is a disease. Sudden loss of control. This is where the man comes out. So it's not worth it to be offended by him.

To stop breaking into a cry, you need to practice systematically and for a long time. There are two ways. Start practicing yoga and, above all, pranayama, or learn some other methods of self-regulation and relaxation, or contact a psychotherapist. Non-drug body-oriented psychotherapy can be very helpful.

You can give dad an idea to look in this direction. However, be tactful and try to do it carefully.

And more. tips that can help you more easily endure your father's cry, firstly, treat his cries as an illness, do not take it personally.

Secondly, breathe deeply when dad screams, cover your ears and don't be offended.

Thirdly, at such a moment when he screams, try to concentrate on WHAT dad wants to say when he screams, and do not focus on the scream itself. Help him express what he wants to say. Show that you understand him. It is very important.

After all, a person begins to scream when he cannot express what he wants, feels that he is not understood. Yes ... It's not right to shout at such a moment the best way. It's right. But if he controlled this moment... there wouldn't be a problem....

But when a person sees that he was understood, he instantly calms down.

Sincerely,

Alyokhina Elena Vasilievna, consultations in Moscow and via skype

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