Pregnancy: how to survive it without stress and what to do if it is unplanned. Unplanned pregnancy: “I was not ready, but I managed it”

We'll agree right away. When we declare our readiness to give birth, we mean that we have become mature people and are able to devote our lives to another. This means that we have already realized ourselves and can now become a “means” to meet the child’s needs. But if we understand that we are not yet ready to give, we do not want and do not know how to do it, then it is too early to talk about procreation. We still have to grow up ourselves.

Mom wants grandchildren

You have been married for the second year, you have your own apartment, and you hate inviting your parents to your home. The thing is that as soon as mom and dad come to visit, conversations begin: “you’ve already lived for yourself...”, “it’s time to take care of the appearance of heirs.” At first, the parents only hinted, then they were offended, and recently they sympathetically suggested taking care of reproductive health.

Kate(30) received a long-awaited promotion. She was appointed marketing director. “Now you can shift the whole routine onto your subordinates,” her husband responded to this news. “And we will finally be able to give birth to a son.” Katya didn't want a son. That is, I wanted to, but not now. But she didn’t argue. Moreover, the “grandmothers” have more than once expressed their readiness to take all the care of the child upon themselves. The main thing is to give birth. It took a year and a half and two miscarriages to understand: Katya is not ready to have children. And at work I have not yet reached the ceiling. That's not even the main thing. Teenage resistance has turned on - you want everything, but I don’t want it! And you won't force me.

What should I do? The thing is that modern boys and girls grow up later than their parents. This is largely due to the fact that now readiness for social life is formed later than a quarter of a century ago. You need to know and be able to do the most: get additional education, make a career, create a financial base in order to consider yourself an adult. And inner maturity comes much later. But then fear arises: I’m 28 years old, I don’t have children yet, what will happen next? A situation arises when it is time to give birth due to age, but there is no readiness. And here psychologists can give only one piece of advice - wait.

Where will the child live?

Previously, in Russian culture, as in any traditional culture, a place for a baby was determined when building a house. Moreover, this place was the main one. For example, when they built a hut, a hole was made in the main beam of the house (matitsa) into which a hook for the cradle was inserted. And now you should have an understanding of where your unborn child will live before pregnancy.

Alice(28) I lived with my mother in a two-room apartment. She had a partner, but they had no intention of getting married. And so Alice decided that she wanted a child. There were all the conditions for this, but it was impossible to get pregnant. When she, together with a psychotherapist, began to understand the problem, it turned out that there was no room for the child in the apartment. That is, there is a suitable corner in Alice’s room, but now a ficus lives there. She grew it from a small sprout to a large tree (in fact, in this family there was a ficus instead of a child). And now, if you put up a crib, what to do with the ficus? Alice had an idea to put it in her mother's room. But mom objected. It was a shame to throw away the tree; after all, it was grown with my own hands. The psychotherapist suggested that Alice make a plan on how to send the ficus into a big life. When the decision to release the plant into the wild was made, Alice’s friend called and said that she really needed a large flower for her new office. And doesn’t Alice finally want to get rid of her ficus? It must be said that such coincidences in the course of psychotherapeutic work are not uncommon. And only after the ficus was transported did pregnancy occur.

What should I do? When thinking about your readiness to become a mother, think about whether there is room in your apartment or room for a child. And when organizing space for him, remember that the crib should be in a bright, warm corner without drafts. It is necessary to ensure free and convenient access to it. The crib should have a view of the entire room so that the baby can watch his mother. Having decided to convert your ultra-modern studio into an ordinary two-room apartment, where it will be comfortable for your child, you will stop wondering about your readiness to be a mother.

Will the child interfere with my plans?

Friends unexpectedly invited you to Kyiv for the weekend? No problem, an hour to get ready - and now you’re already at the station. Have you organized Italian cooking courses at work? It doesn’t matter that you don’t come home before eleven in the evening. Don't miss out on this kind of entertainment! And thinking that it’s time to have children, you willy-nilly compare your current life, full of impressions, with sitting at home around the clock, surrounded by dirty diapers.

Anya(26) was sure that she had chosen the best time to have a baby. She was going to write a dissertation and at the same time get pregnant - anyway, sit at home, why waste time? Anya was filling out documents for graduate school and at the same time preparing for IVF. Between the puncture and the egg transfer, she was going to get a review of the abstract of her dissertation. Need I remind you that this is a rather nervous procedure. You need to formulate your position and defend it to the reviewer. It is not yet clear what he will say. And it turned out that Anya focused not on having a child, not on accepting her body (since she had to do IVF, that means there were problems with this), but on her dissertation. This became the main thing.

What should I do? It just so happens that we consider work, travel, and hobbies to be right things, characteristic of developed individuals. Devoting yourself to raising a child means turning into a house chicken - barefoot, in the kitchen, in an apron. Meanwhile, working as a mother is the most creative of all possible. Childhood experiences and feelings are all a product of mother’s work. And this activity is much more exciting than any other. And most importantly, the result is much higher quality.

Such words do not sound convincing to you? Maybe you should talk to a psychologist about this. Or with a close friend who has children. Ask what exactly she gained with the birth of her child. After all, no matter what you think now, with the appearance of children in your life, you will not lose anything, but will only gain.

Ah-ah-ah. What should I do with it!!!

You have a husband, an apartment, a stable income and a willingness to devote at least the next three years of your life to your child. But you have no idea how to care for him. How to breastfeed, swaddle, bathe, how to calm him down, how to talk to him and what to do so that he does not grow up spoiled or overly uptight? All these questions confuse you. Raising a child is so difficult!

What should I do? A child develops through communication. Previously, proper communication skills were passed down in the family. But now you have to specially learn this. You need to gain a lot of knowledge about caring for and raising a baby. After all, we begin to educate from the very beginning: we encourage something, prohibit something. Preparation courses for childbirth and parenthood will help you create a program of action. You should choose according to the recommendations. If there are no credible courses in your city, try to spend more time visiting friends who already have children. Observe, ask questions and, of course, read books. You will begin to understand what's what. And the fear of the unknown will recede.

Oh I'm afraid , I'm afraid, I'm afraid

1. The hit parade of women's fears before pregnancy opens with fear ruin your figure. Interestingly, this fear arose relatively recently. Previously, only professional ballerinas and actresses experienced it. And, for example, now every fourth English woman (a survey conducted by the British Grazia) speaks of her reluctance to have children for fear of getting fat. Moreover, what is interesting. The sizes and shapes of cowardly girls are not necessarily similar to those of models. It's all about a woman's specific attitude towards her body. It is perceived as a precious shell that cannot be damaged under any circumstances.

2. Another common fear is the fear of babysitting. become stupid. However, as American scientists have found, women become smarter during pregnancy. Under the influence of hormonal changes in the body, the number of synaptic connections between nerve cells increases - and we begin to think faster. And after childbirth, when it is necessary to carry out several urgent matters at the same time, the brain of a young mother works much more intensely than that of a production director.

3. Fear closes the top three ruin your relationship with your husband. Most often, this fear is masked with a mantra: with the birth of a child, nothing will change in our relationship and we will love each other just the same. Will change. And we need to understand how and be prepared for this. In a couple, a man and a woman live for each other. When children appear, they become partners, that is, they unite to perform one common task - meeting the needs of the child.

Trainings

Travel to the country of Parenthood We learn many things in life, but we are not taught how to be parents. During the training, you and your partner will learn what kind of parents you will be, what you expect from your child and what he expects from you. You will be able to see the difficulties that you will encounter, and you will develop ways of interacting as a couple: mom - dad. You will build your own individual plan for preparing for the role of mother. The training is intended for couples preparing to conceive or already expecting a child, as well as parents of small children. Training duration: 3 sessions, 3 hours each. www.perinatalpsy.ru

I know and I can The name of the training very accurately defines its essence. After it you really get the feeling that you know everything about a small child and can do everything with him. Obstetricians and gynecologists will help you prepare for childbirth. Psychologists will talk about the rules of communication with newborns. Pediatricians - how to care for children, for example: how to bathe or clean the ears of a two-day-old baby. Classes are designed for expectant mothers in the second trimester of pregnancy. The presence of dads is welcome. The duration of the training is 14 lessons, 3 hours each. www.semiaplus.ru

What to read

A. McMahon “All about the birth of a child”

Friendly answers to all questions and fears that may arise during pregnancy. However, the book can also be read by those who are just preparing to conceive, so that fears do not arise.

G. G. Filippova, E. Yu. Pechnikova, E. I. Zakharova “Pregnancy”

Desk aid for pregnant women. Useful for absolutely everyone and necessary for those who live in small towns where there is no opportunity to receive qualified psychological help.

I.V. Dobryakov. “How to give birth to a healthy child. Guide for future parents"

A book about how life begins and what happens to a pregnant woman is worth reading to gain confidence and psychological comfort before giving birth.

Photo: Vostok Photo(1),GettyImages/Fotobank.ru

Nastya (30 years old, gestational age - 29 weeks) came to a course to prepare for childbirth. She differed from other women by some tension and reluctance to talk about herself and her pregnancy. When Nastya started talking, it turned out that she would be an “independent mother”, that throughout the first trimester she was deciding whether to terminate the pregnancy due to problems with the child’s father.

When the baby began to move, it almost did not evoke joyful emotions in Nastya. The future was pictured to her in gloomy tones of fatigue, exhausting child care and hard work. But Nastya saw other pregnant women, talked with them and gradually began to feel guilty before the baby, that she could not love him “as she should,” and uncertainty that she was capable of being a good mother...

The situation when a woman is not ready to accept the fact of her own future motherhood is not so rare. Of course, unpreparedness for motherhood is more common among young unmarried women who did not plan pregnancy. Although married, a woman may experience “shock” from the news of pregnancy. However, within a few weeks the maternal instinct awakens in the woman, and she begins to rejoice at the unexpected “gift”. If the situation of rejection persists, but the woman decides to leave the child due to fear for her health, or out of a desire to keep the man, or for financial reasons, then this can become a big problem for both mother and child.

Women whose readiness for motherhood is not developed experience anxiety, depression, dejection, and melancholy in connection with the onset of pregnancy. Such a woman has an unrealistic idea that the child will demand all of her, without a trace, and she will need to completely forget about herself, devoting herself only to the baby. Having set such a mythically high bar for themselves, they realize that they are not ready to meet it. In the future, they either strive to protect the child from any, often seeming, danger and not give him independence, or they take a formal educational position where there is no place for affection, participation, or tenderness. Of course, children living in such conditions are often unhappy. And mothers feel guilty, but cannot independently break out of the shackles of the “cold” maternal position. Therefore, it is better to get help during pregnancy.

How to deal with such a situation?

First, clarify the reasons that led to the fact that you cannot come to terms with your new maternal role. If you begin to understand the “origins”, dealing with the problem will become much easier.

Secondly, find your inner resources (character traits, inclinations, skills, life experience) in order to understand: you are capable of becoming a good mother.

Thirdly, learn to cope with attacks of uncertainty and bad mood (for example, autogenic training can help).

Fourthly, understand that caring for a child is not at all a path of constant sacrifice, that you can and should devote time to both the personal and professional sides of life.

Imagining their future life, most girls dream of meeting a loved one, starting a family with him, giving birth to a child and raising him with her husband, enjoying life every day. In their youth, girls see motherhood in rosy terms, and only as they grow up do the fair sex begin to understand that children are not only happiness, but also a great responsibility. Therefore, the news of even a desired pregnancy can become stressful for a woman, because it is one thing to dream about a child in the future, and quite another to understand that life will soon change dramatically, since she will need to be responsible not only for herself, but also for the baby.

Pregnancy is a good reason to be happy

Carrying a child for a woman is not easy work, because during this period significant changes occur in her body, which affect not only her physical, but also her psychological state. Due to hormonal changes in the body, pregnant women are characterized by frequent mood swings, irritability, excessive emotionality, changes in taste preferences, etc. Also, many pregnant women have fears associated with pregnancy and the health of the child and childbirth.

However, despite all the changes in the body and more global changes in one’s own life, pregnancy is not the time for stress and anxiety. Doctors and scientists have long proven that the child is still in the womb, starting from the second trimester of pregnancy, and her psychological state significantly affects the development of the fetus. There is also a connection between the psychological and physical health of the woman herself, which means that happy, optimistic representatives of the fair sex have a much greater chance of an easy pregnancy and childbirth than expectant mothers experiencing stress or depression.

Every woman can make sure that pregnancy is a happy stage of life, and not torture. The recipe for how to survive pregnancy without stress and difficulties is quite simple - you need to treat bearing a child as a natural process and tune in to a favorable development of events, without concentrating on the negative and “horror stories”. Also, the experience of many women who have already given birth shows that expectant mothers will find the following recommendations useful:

If the resulting pregnancy was not planned

Every woman knows what to do when a planned and desired pregnancy occurs, but answering the question of what to do if the appearance of two lines on an express test comes as a surprise is much more difficult. Unfortunately, until scientists invent a contraceptive that will guarantee 100% results, unplanned pregnancies will continue to occur. What to do in this case is up to the woman herself to decide, although she has little choice: either give birth to a child or have an abortion.

Having learned about an unplanned pregnancy, the first thing a woman needs to do is to calm down and understand that what happened is not a disaster, and she is still able to control the situation. Then you need to visit a gynecologist as soon as possible to find out the duration of your pregnancy and make further decisions based on this information. In our country, the law allows abortion at the request of a woman up to 12 weeks, so she has time to analyze the situation and decide whether to continue the pregnancy or not. To decide what to do if you have an unplanned pregnancy, you need to give yourself honest answers to the following questions:

Of course, abortion is a negative experience for any member of the fair sex, and should be avoided by any means. However, in life, not everything happens according to our wishes, and if a woman understands that at the moment she has neither the opportunity nor the desire to become a mother, terminating the pregnancy at an early stage will be the best way out of this situation.

If the expectant mother has decided to continue the pregnancy, she needs to forget about her fears and worries and tune in to the birth of a healthy child and happy changes in her life. Yes, life will change dramatically after the birth of a child, but it is not at all necessary that it will change for the worse. Most women who decided to continue an unplanned pregnancy never regretted their decision and were able not only to raise beautiful children, but also to realize themselves in both personal and professional spheres of life.

When we see two lines on the test, we will definitely burst into tears of happiness and run to buy our first booties... This is the reaction that those around us expect from expectant mothers. What if, instead of joy from upcoming motherhood, there is panic and fear in your head?

“We were planning a child. But for some reason, children were perceived as some kind of abstract phenomenon that awaits us later, somehow later... after a session, repairs, vacation... And then, like an avalanche, a positive test. And there are a lot of questions in my head: “Already? For what? DON'T WANT!!!" (Arina, 24 years old)

Fears of the expectant mother

Many women, as soon as they find out about pregnancy, find themselves thinking that they are afraid of it. What are the fears of the expectant mother? Why do they arise? Probably because you will have to change your lifestyle, devote yourself to the little man, parting for a while with previously planned plans for life.

And then, when the pregnancy develops and the baby grows, pregnant women change their minds. And what expectant mothers are usually afraid of begins to seem to them not just funny, but even absurd.

When does this happen? Most often, a few days after the pregnancy test shows two lines. There are also more complex cases when pregnant women are tormented by fears. But they also dissipate during the first ultrasound examination, when the expectant mother hears the heartbeat of her baby and sees it on the monitor.

Fears will pass. Give yourself time! In the meantime, let's look at the most basic fears that may overcome you.

I don't love him now. What if I can’t love him later?

Love for a child does not always come at the moment of news of pregnancy. Sometimes it arises only from the first image of a funny Martian on an ultrasound, the first push, and even more often - from a toothless sleepy smile, the feeling of chubby arms hugging the neck, the shining eyes of a baby, his first achievements.

Many mothers admit that true motherly love came to them not during pregnancy, or even after the birth of the baby, but only a few months later! And that's absolutely normal.

You will have to devote your whole life to your child. Not a second for yourself!

Oh, this selfishness of ours... Yes, you will have to be prepared for the fact that in the first months the child will really take up all of your time, and the usual joys like cinema and restaurant will not be available. But your child will not hang on your chest forever and endlessly soil diapers. Children grow up, and as they grow older, free time appears. And very soon the moment will come when you will happily spend all your time with your baby. And you won’t even let your grandmother hold him. By the way, young parents very often have a stinking question -

The hormone oxytocin (the love hormone) produced by the mother is responsible for attachment to her child. Scientists have found that the higher its level, the more reverently and caringly the mother treats her children.

I'm afraid that I won't be able to cope with the child.

The unknown is scary. The science of caring for a baby seems more complex than string theory. There is the Internet, books and magazines, experienced friends, doctors, paid consultants at home... All this will help even at the stage of pregnancy planning. And within a month after giving birth, you will be cleaning your baby’s ears with one hand and changing diapers with the other. And you can give advice to other mothers. Experience comes very quickly. Before you know it, you’ll start giving out advice yourself.

I'm still like a child myself. What can I give him?

Sometimes an active, cheerful mother who loves cartoons, candy, roller skating, playing PlayStation, wearing torn jeans and dyeing her hair red can give her child much more than a mother who does everything according to a book and routine. You can give your child a happy childhood. This means you will grow up together. What could be better?

From this article you will learn:

Postpartum depression, fatigue, stress, lack of time for anything other than the baby - all this puts pressure on the psyche and many young mothers say to themselves: “I’m pregnant, but I’m not ready to become a mother” or “This is not for me, I feel that someone took my life from me.” Usually society condemns such women, they are told that all this will pass, but is this really so? So what should a woman who regrets her decision to have a child do?

If you look on the Internet, you can see that the overwhelming majority of conversations about motherhood come down to questions about how to get pregnant, carry, give birth and raise a child. It is difficult to find a woman who simply says: “I regret that I decided to become a mother” or “Motherhood is not for me.” But this does not mean, however, that such women do not exist and this problem has become increasingly common in recent years.

Common Myths

All conversations about pregnancy among young girls usually come down to “vanilla” rose-colored dreams of a happy family life and beautiful, obedient children who will give their parents joy. As a rule, even during pregnancy itself, a woman continues to wear rose-colored glasses, having little idea of ​​what she will have to face in real life immediately after birth.

In order to look at the root of the problem and consider how myths about a wonderful life are shattered, you can read the words of one of these mothers. Natalya I. writes: “I don’t know exactly at what time I began to regret that I decided to become a mother. The first problems began during pregnancy, but then I still did not fully understand what awaited me. That time passed as if in a pink fog. I was expecting the birth of my daughter and was sure that with her appearance everything would be just fine. Relatives and friends surrounding me smiled sweetly and promised to help.

But after the birth of my daughter, I realized that only I would have to bear the entire burden of responsibility for her, since everyone has their own affairs and concerns. My husband provided all possible help, but only after work, and I couldn’t shift caregiving problems onto him, since he needed rest after a hard day at work. At that moment, I bitterly realized that motherhood was not for me, and deep depression became my constant companion.

I couldn’t admit this to anyone, since everyone around me was convinced that it was a great joy to give birth and raise a child. But I felt everything completely differently, because my body had changed a lot and, naturally, not for the better. I simply didn’t have any free time, I couldn’t even get away once or twice a week to relax somewhere, so at first my daughter often cried, despite the fact that the doctors, after many checks, did not find any health problems.

It didn't get any better. She grew up a little and began to show such hyper activity that her parents could not stand with her for more than an hour. Then I realized that my child, in fact, was not needed by anyone except me. The obvious solution was to wait for time to fix everything. First, I waited until she started walking, then talking, then until she began to understand everything. But this time was irretrievably lost for me, and life is so fleeting..."

How to be

Women like Natalya I. cannot withstand the burden of responsibilities that suddenly falls on them. At this moment they become depressed, which often affects the child’s psyche. Are these women to blame? Not at all, it’s just that a new side of their own personality has opened up for them - motherhood is not for them. Is there a way out of this situation? Sometimes you hear the classic advice that in such cases you need to talk to someone, but will that really help?

Natalya I. once tried to talk about her feelings with her best friend, the mother of two children. As a result, as Natalya herself says: “I quickly regretted my decision to open up, because I immediately noticed that my friend did not understand at all what I meant. She asked me what she would do if she could go back in time? Would I choose a life without Sofia (that's my daughter's name)?

I saw that this conversation was disgusting for her, and for me too. I couldn't explain exactly what I was feeling. Of course, I love my daughter, now I have her and I will not give her to anyone. But, if I had not decided to take such a step then, perhaps now I would be happier, and this thought often haunts me. I know for sure that I will not agree to a second child, but I did not tell my friend about this, simply saying: “I am apparently tired and cannot express my thoughts correctly. Let's drop this topic." That's how I got stuck inside with a feeling of complete alienation.

Bad mother

Mothers who feel like Natalya I very often hear accusations about how bad they are. But most often, these statements come... from ourselves. As Natalya reports: “I constantly feel bad, and it seems to me that everyone around me sees what a bad mother I am. On the one hand, I miss my independent life, sometimes I fantasize about how everything would have been if Sophia had not been born, what I would be doing now and where I would be. Sometimes I fantasize about being in India, visiting spice and aromatic oil stores without worrying about whether I brought wet wipes to wipe my daughter's mouth. And then I feel guilty. The thought of imagining life without a child fills me with fear and shame.”

Usually, when women hear about such mothers who sincerely admit their disappointment in having children, they make the latter victims of verbal attacks. As a rule, it is stated that if a mother did not want to have a child, then she is a bad mother. But this is not always the case. In most cases, those women who regret giving birth to a child try to compensate for their guilt by treating their children very well. There are, of course, exceptions, but still the guilt of giving birth to a child who did not ask for it makes such women very good and fair mothers.

As Natalya herself says: “It’s impossible to say that I don’t love Sofia. I play with her, tell stories, read fairy tales and much more. But very often I feel an internal protest. For example, while on the playground, I am haunted by thoughts: “God, what am I doing here, how long will this take? Where is my old life?

Way out

It turns out that women who are not ready to become a mother, but still did it, live in an atmosphere of remorse and anticipation that the child will finally grow up. That is, it will give you the opportunity to return to your previous activities, to become independent again, which will allow you to get rid of the feeling of deprivation of freedom and loss of precious time.

Is there a ready-made solution to reduce negative feelings? Of course, first of all, you need to come to terms with the idea that the old life will not return, and you need to look for moments of happiness and freedom in the present. Sometimes the solution may be to create a blog or write a book. An interesting hobby or job that doesn’t take up a lot of time and can be done at home helps. Sometimes, if the opportunity arises, a trip somewhere alone can save you, which is needed to recharge and restore yourself. If it is difficult to find a way out of the situation on your own, it is worth contacting a psychologist who will professionally help restore inner harmony and get rid of obsessive thoughts.

Bottom line

Those women who feel unprepared for the role of mother need to know that they are not alone. Although society usually condemns such statements, our planet is so beautiful because it consists of diverse personalities. Accordingly, you should not plunge into depression, but you need to find peace within yourself and raise your child as a worthy person, so that the pride from realizing the importance of this mission will help you cope in the difficult years after childbirth.