What should true parental love be like? What does parental love mean?

The most sincere. Limitless. Wise. Controversial. Forced. Reasonable. Patient. Such is the love for children. Any manifestation of it is always strongly reflected in their personality, adaptation to the world, the ability to express their feelings and interact with other people. In particular, the mother's love for the child is the first thing that is given to him even before birth, this is the beginning of the baby's communication with the outside world, which determines his attitude towards himself and others.

What affects parental love?

1. Readiness for the birth and upbringing of children.

It is very important how desirable the baby was for the parents, whether they are “ripe” to become mom and dad. Of course, in most cases there is a direct relationship: the more a man and a woman wanted a child and prepared for his appearance, the stronger their tender feelings for him.

But the opposite also happens. For example, the pregnancy may have been unplanned and caused despair. But after the birth of the crumbs, the situation changed dramatically: mom and dad (or one of them) were imbued with sincere love for him, there was a reassessment of values.

Or another example: the couple was waiting for the baby and had the warmest feelings for him, but after his birth, due to problems in the process of upbringing, fatigue, irritation, misunderstanding of the needs and interests of the crumbs intertwined in the parent-child relationship, and it became harder to love.

In the process of waiting for the baby, be prepared for difficulties that cannot be avoided, do not harbor illusions that everything will go “like clockwork”. Do not refuse the help of loved ones, pretending to be a super hero. Be sure to find time for relaxation and hobbies. Your task is to preserve and strengthen in the process of raising a child that positive attitude, those tender feelings and that desire to take care of him that you had initially.

2. Education in the parental family.

The way our parents treated us is almost always transferred to the upbringing of our own children. It is extremely difficult to love others if a person himself lacked this feeling on the part of his mother and father. Or, on the contrary, if we were brought up in a prosperous environment, in an atmosphere of warmth, care and trust, then we usually strive to transfer this model of relationships to our children.

It is important to realize in time, remember your childhood impressions and answer the questions: do I transfer my grievances to my son or daughter? Do I take into account their individual characteristics or try to break them? It is necessary to understand how effective the style of communication you demonstrate with children is, whether there is a place for love in it. Draw conclusions and think about what else can be changed or developed.

3. Relations between spouses.

If parents are happy and satisfied with each other, then they have much more resources to love their child. Negative feelings towards a husband or wife can also be reflected in children. Unfortunately, it happens, for example, that resentment against her husband affects the mother's love for the child (especially after a divorce), and she begins to experience unconscious irritation towards him, dissatisfaction with him.

Or another bias is possible: one of the parents completely gives attention and care to the children, and the spouse (wife) no longer gets them. A "unloved" husband or wife is likely to feel resentment and may unconsciously blame the child.

Be attentive not only to the baby, but also to your life partner, because your relationship is not only the foundation of the family, but also an example for the younger generation in how a man and a woman should interact.

4. Attitude towards yourself.

Are you confident? Do you accept yourself or are you more often dissatisfied with yourself? Often we project our attitude towards ourselves onto the child, because he is an extension of ourselves. In him we love those qualities that we like in ourselves. And we do not accept what we do not accept in ourselves.

It is important to understand and agree that a child is an independent person with his own set of qualities and abilities. Let him be himself. And be sure to work on self-esteem: do not criticize yourself, but respect and recognize your own merits. Do not be discouraged and try to worry less, because your emotional state is transmitted to the child.

5. Experience.

The love of parents for children also depends on past experiences. It is both positive and negative. Do men and women already have experience in raising their own children? Have they ever had to take care of younger sisters or brothers?

Any experience is always valuable, it is only important to draw the right conclusions and strive for "wise" love.

6. Personal qualities.

Arrogance, selfishness will be obvious obstacles in love for your children. With such qualities, it is difficult to sacrifice personal interests, time for the sake of a son or daughter. But kindness, responsiveness, cheerfulness, patience are faithful companions of parental love and care.

There are always resources for love, it is important to be able to open up to this feeling.

How is maternal and paternal love expressed?? What are the differences?
Is there a difference between a father's love and a mother's love for a child? Certainly yes. In different families, approaches to education are not the same.

• · Mom's love for a baby has biological and social foundations, father's love has only social foundations. What does this mean? The child appears in the mother's body and lives in it for nine months. This triggers various physiological processes that are reflected in their relationship after birth. This helps a woman to better feel her child, understand his needs, hear him and show care in time. A father learns to understand and love his child throughout his life, communicating with him and getting used to him. There is no physiological attachment between them, but the emotional one can be very close. Therefore, many fathers, due to their personal characteristics and strong love for children, feel and understand them well.

• Various contributions from parents. You can often find the expression that "the mother gives the child the soul, and the father - the mind." There is truth in these words, since a mother is always with her baby from birth and, caring for him, she creates conditions for the formation of trust in the world, the desire and ability to communicate with others, understand and express their emotions in the crumbs. A father often acts as a guide to the world for a son or daughter, a mentor, introduces order, teaches to act.
• Mother model implies unconditional love for the child, fatherly - conditional love. The first option reflects the complete acceptance of your child, whatever it may be, and the joy that he was born and lives nearby. paternal model love involves accepting a child only if he meets certain requirements, for example: “You must be brave (decent, strong, smart, etc.)”, is based on obedience. The maternal model of love is not always inherent only to women, and the paternal model is not always inherent only to men. Sometimes they appear regardless of gender.

Sides of parental love that children really need
The “harmful” components of parental love are: overprotection, excessive control, depriving the child of initiative and independence, making high demands on him or excessive praise. They are “harmful” because they negatively affect its development and adaptation to life in society.

What manifestations of parental love do children need?

Care and attention. In the first years of a baby's life, it is important to show them constantly. As he grows, care and attention should be gradually reduced and demonstrated to the extent that he needs them.

• Respect and trust.
• Understanding and acceptance.
• Warmth and kindness.
• Recognition of the merits of the child and praise for them.
• Sincerity. If the love between children and parents is based on sincerity, then they will always be connected by warm relations and mutual understanding.
• Help in business, mentoring, unobtrusive advice.

How to show love to your child

• Respect his personality.
• Let your child show their feelings.
• Smile and maintain eye contact with him.
• Listen to him.
• Show genuine interest in him.
• Trust him, but do not condone!
• Appreciate your children's love for you and encourage it.
• Support in difficult times and moments of joy.
• Tell us about yourself, share your experience, be an example.
• Spend more time with your children.
• Be their mentor and friend.

And most importantly, teach your children to love and not be afraid of it. In the modern world, this is a valuable skill that strengthens families, friendships and attention to others.

After reading an excerpt from the pedagogical work of the great French writer, thinker J. - J. Rousseau "Julia, or New Eloise". I began to think. But what is reasonable parental love? What should she be?

The feeling of love in communication between parents and children is expressed through gestures, intonation, facial expressions, emotions, words. It is very important for us, adults, to learn how to pronounce these words so that the child understands and feels that he is loved. And how often the opposite happens!

We are adults, we believe that we express our love and understanding to the child, but he sees something else and does not feel love. Therefore, parental love must be reasonable. It does not allow condemnation, discussion, comparison of the child with others. Such love involves accepting the child as he is. If the baby feels that he is loved by others, he is trusted, then he himself will try to win over adults, begins to love them himself. It is such a mutual reasonable love. trust will bring up many good qualities in him.

But what if there is not enough strength for love? After all, the emotions of children are often unusual for adults.

You just need to “plunge” into your long-forgotten childhood, turn to the memory of childhood experiences, resentment, first unrequited love. you can re-read the works of Russian children's writers with your children in order to again be imbued with those emotions, mood, common experiences with children for that bunny that the hostess abandoned, or for that bear whose paw was torn off.

It also happens, on the contrary, when children cannot resist our "hyper" love ... and "hyper" care, they do not know how to protect themselves from it. You don't have to tell the kid. "I will make you happy!" . It is necessary to “settle” in the baby confidence in your love and not engage in petty custody! Moreover, it is useless, because the consequences can be very deplorable - anger, various neuroses, indifference. You just don't need to simplify anything. The child is natural in his manifestations, feelings, emotions, so he must be accepted as he is.

Some believe that the bans are beneficial, others - on the contrary. What about prohibitions, restrictions - after all, these are necessary attributes of education? My position on this issue is as follows. Prohibitions and restrictions, in addition to benefits, bring a lot of harm to the child. They give rise to misunderstanding, interfere with the development of the baby's personality, this is fertile ground for the emergence of many complexes, which are then difficult to get rid of.

How is it necessary to apply prohibitions and restrictions so that they do not hinder the development of the baby? Child psychologists suggest using constructive prohibitions. 1) application of preventive measures; 2) development of mutual understanding with the child; 3) psychological techniques.

In fact, there are many different methods, and we, parents. must determine, understand, feel which of them our child will accept.

After analyzing my attitude towards my own children, I came to the conclusion that love. Like any art, you need to learn and learn. It is necessary not to be silent, but to speak and show your feelings for the child. After all, it is so important for their life, for building a family and home, for their approval, advancement and success.

Everyone considers themselves loving parents, and this is quite natural. We really adore our children, and the best confirmation of this is that we feel true love in our souls. But only one thing is important for children - how we show our feelings. It is possible that some child does not feel loved at all, although we do everything necessary for his good. Remember, for example, how much effort we expend - and with the most wonderful intentions - to ensure that our child grows up strong and healthy. Forcing the baby to eat by force, we feel how we are overwhelmed with love for him. He does not feel loved at all - he feels bad, because we annoy him, put pressure on him.

During the first two years of a child's life, our love is best shown in constant physical contact with him. It is necessary to take the baby in your arms, caress, swaddle, stroke his arms, legs, head. If children had a tail like dogs, they would happily wag it every time we pigeon them, joke, play with them. Babies like to be handled, cradled, nursed - this is a great way to prove our love, to make it clear that we love them endlessly. In addition, not only parents should express love to their child - the more people mess around with the baby, the better: he will think that everyone in the world is happy for him, and perhaps this belief will help him in contact with the world over time.

Another very important way of showing love for a child is respect for his wishes. It is true that we know better than a baby what is good for him and what is not, but it is also true that even the smallest child has some physiological wisdom. Doctors know this and change the baby's diet when he refuses any food. In the same way, we recognize the legitimacy of a child's desires if we stop imposing on him skills that he resists. If the baby does not want to sleep during the day, we will not force him. If he pushes away the horn without finishing a few grams, you should not force him to finish drinking the entire portion at all costs. This does not mean at all that we should develop useful habits from an early age, but we must teach them, commensurate with the readiness and desire of the child to master them and taking into account his reactions. When the winds and currents are too changeable, one cannot go straight ahead. We will get to the goal faster if we maneuver and change course from time to time. Such tactics will help the child gain self-assertion and feel the good attitude of parents. He will understand that he is loved because he is treated like a person, and not a robot that should automatically produce consistent results.

The third way to show your love is to show it constantly.
The kid is lost and discouraged when you, having praised him for holding a glass of milk, immediately shout at him if he spilled a little. The child is unable to understand why the parents, who have just rejoiced at his first steps, suddenly threateningly pull him back if he goes where, in their opinion, it is impossible to go. Although such stories happen to almost every child, we will be able to protect him from such absurdities, which means that we will not cause doubts in our love, trying to be as little annoyed as possible. The trick is to get as little as possible upset and upset over small annoyances, otherwise life will become too difficult, and our children will also find it unbearable. When parental love disappears so easily, the child loses confidence in it. Later, when it will be necessary to solve many complex life problems, this uncertainty will turn into distrust of parents.

Another reason for the inconstancy of parental love is manifested in cases where parents are overly vain. Although they are driven by the best of intentions, they are still too demanding of their children. It is true that some try to soften the severity with generous gifts, but this in no way eliminates the harmful effects of excessive demands. The same applies to adults. Imagine, for example, a person who works for a harsh and picky boss. Even if he pays well for conscientious work, the employee will still ask himself: is it worth working for him? Softness, friendliness, sensitivity, if they are manifested daily, bring more satisfaction than the highest reward. Adults have their own difficulties, but they can choose. Children cannot.

Finally, another way to show your love for children is to give them all your time without a trace. Give in order to play with them, especially from the age of 3. Since the child begins to enjoy participation in the life of adults, he will completely rely on his parents, seeing in each of them a leader, guide and expert.

The time that we can give our children is more useful and dearer to them than any toy. In addition, if we manage to merge our tastes with the tastes of the child, then we will create in him the feeling that he is indeed an equal comrade with adults. Maybe he will not show his love as before, and we will have to come to terms with this, but a deep spiritual intimacy will be established between us, which will become stronger the more time we give each other.

Finally, parental love is a very broad concept. At its best, this feeling never belongs to one person. If love in a family is shared among all its members, then everyone is happy with it, not only the baby. In other words, parental love will bring a child much more happiness when he sees that it constantly manifests itself in the relationship of parents not only to him, but also to each other.

Parental love is a feeling that parents invest in a child throughout life. Parental love is the main means of educating children to love everything that surrounds them. In every family, parental love is understood differently, both by parents and children. So let's figure out what real parental love should be?

The problem of lack of parental love

The child already from the cradle feels the love of his parents. Children constantly need to show their love both morally and physically. They need to understand and feel that they are loved.

If a child receives the necessary amount of parental love, it means that he will go through life with firm feet, he will respect himself and his loved ones.

Many people think that “afraid means respect”, and therefore keep their children in strictness. This cannot be done. Because gradually you grow cruelty in a child. And he will fear you, not love you.

Ross Campbell studied the relationship between parents and children. He recommends taking the time to touch as often as possible.

Touch in a friendly way to the shoulder of the child, stroke his head, shake his hand. This will be a kinesthetic answer to the question that interests us about true parental love.

Love in children should be brought up not on the basis of what you want, what you like and are comfortable with, but on what the child needs, what he needs.

In education, the place of love, strictness, affection and exactingness should be clearly defined. And most importantly, you need to feel when the child needs your help, and when demanding. And you should be the first to come to his aid and give advice, or, conversely, put everything in its place and demand an explanation. Just don't overdo it!

At present, the formation of the psychological components of parental love is a widely studied and very important topic. The results of this topic will help to better master parental love as a mysterious feature of the psyche. The totality of the psychological components of this love will help create methods and trainings in order to develop it. To many people who pay attention to this title, at first it seems like real nonsense. After all, parental love is almost holy, undoubted, and how can it be sorted out psychologically, because it is meaningless, why delve into what each of us feels? Unfortunately, this is not so, and there is evidence for this statement, since not all parents love their children. This is confirmed by cruelty, acts of violence in families, the presence of dysfunctional families, irrational behavior, as well as many children who are in orphanages. After all, most of all it is these children who live in such conditions that are tormented by questions: “What wrong have I done to my parents? Why didn't they love me? ".

Therefore, this problem is currently very relevant. Most often now there are murders of a child, throwing a baby out into the street, etc. The study of such behavior is a difficult task, as well as the behavior opposite to it, it is necessary to try to find psychological factors that can lead us to the goal.

The specialists still managed to deduce the principles from which the psychological components of parental love are formed, and besides this, the factors that are necessary for the realization of this love.

What is true parental love?

Many philosophers and psychologists have tried for many years to come up with an answer for this feeling, and each time this answer was different. This is a special, high, bright kind of love, which is perceived by people as happiness and the highest gift. Becoming a parent means being a happy person. To be rewarded with the opportunity to be a parent is to experience true happiness. As Sukhomlinsky said, parental love is the ability to feel the needs of the child's soul with the heart. Between people who love, there is a special intuition, an energy connection, a desire to be closer to each other. In their terminology, many emphasize that parental love cannot be perceived only as a feeling, since love, in essence, includes actions. After all, only if you feel, but do nothing for the child, then such behavior is not proof of love, - many people think so.

By bringing the various points of view together, the factors that make up parental love can be deduced.

The psychological structure of love includes four components:

• The emotional factor, the totality of feelings and experiences about the child, the acceptance of the child, the assessment of the child, the interaction of the child and the parent.
• The psychophysiological component implies the attraction of the parent to his child, the desire for closeness to the child, the sensuality and desire of the parent to hug him, touch him, stay and not be separated from him.
• The cognitive factor includes intuition and the subconscious that arises in relation to the child from the parent.
• The behavioral component expresses relationships, indicates the effectiveness of parental love, the behavior of parents towards the child, as well as care for him.

This structure does not always function holistically, and this depends on the individuality of the parents, on age. From a given psychological structure, some factors may dominate others.

There is an interesting fact: parental love has gender differences, father's love is different from mother's. Maternal love is characterized by unconditional acceptance of the child. The mother can give the child the opportunity to express his opinion, and the father very often refuses equality and democracy with the child. It has long been proven that both parents are needed for the psychological full development of children, it cannot also be said that the mother treats the child better than the father, or vice versa.

In order to feel parental love completely, and also for this love to be formed successfully, it is necessary to satisfy some features, such as the ability to accept and love oneself and others, the emotional and psychological maturity of the individual. A "good parent" has many more requirements. He wants to raise his child safely and create the best conditions for his development. It takes into account different abilities and skills, the ability to provide everything necessary for the child. It has long been proven that parental love is the main factor that is needed for the psychological health and full development of the child.

What is love? This is such a multifaceted feeling that it is difficult to describe it in words, but without which no person can live. Love makes us wake up, create, live and move on. And this does not have to be a feeling for our soulmate, because in addition to her, we love our children, parents, friends. In this article we will talk about parental love: what is it, can it be measured? Does it happen that a child lacks the love of parents and why does this happen?

The unconditional love of parents for a child indicates that mom and dad love their baby not for something, but simply because he is in this world. Whatever he is: sick or healthy, handsome or not, an excellent student or a three-year student, an athlete or an artist, nothing will affect this feeling or its strength.

Does the child feel the love of parents from birth? Differently. Someone is loved immensely from the moment of conception or even a few years before his birth, and someone cannot get enough of this feeling, even being a one-year-old toddler. We are not talking about abandoned kids, we are talking now only about children who grow up with mom and dad. But does this happen in families? It happens, unfortunately.

Often the child is unwanted, and parents do not immediately accept it even after birth. In some cases, mom or dad considers the baby to be guilty of all their problems: he ruined their plans, he does not allow them to become what they would like to be, or live as previously planned. Sometimes for single mothers, a child is not the best reminder of a negligent father, especially if he is somewhat similar to him. There are other reasons for the true lack of parental love.

Although it also happens that a child beloved by everyone does not feel this warmth and tenderness in the amount in which he needs it, which causes conflicts, disobedience, and the formation of complexes. Kids are not able to put it into words, but teenagers are already quite openly declaring that no one loves them, and no one needs them, even if this is far from the case. So what should be the love of parents so that the child grows up happy?

Probably, many will be indignant at the fact that it is impossible to never be angry with a child, constantly be touched by all his actions, and praise incessantly, attracting reasons for praise literally “by the ears”. Of course not. However, all of the above children's feelings and needs for an adult are also very important.

The child lives in each of us, and you need to love this child in yourself, and not look for yourself in the child. Our children are people who have their own lives with their own interests and plans, and they are not obliged to live it according to our scenario. Here lies one of the most significant parenting mistakes called: “I know how you will feel better!” You can give advice to a child, you can paint him in all colors what will happen if he does everything in his own way, and not in your way. You can simply express your opinion on how you would act in a given situation. And then give him the right to choose and the right to make a mistake: “I would not do this in your place, but it's up to you! If you need help, I'm here!" It is not yet known who will be right in the end.

The second mistake concerns parental criticism. First, scolding and criticizing is not a child, but his act. Secondly, not just to criticize, but to find words that will give impetus to correct mistakes and further development. What emotions will such words evoke in a child: “Is it really so difficult to draw a hare in the fifth grade? Or are your hands growing out of the wrong place?” Agree, after such a statement there will be no incentive and desire to go to the drawing. And if you talk like this: “Son, it’s a pity that the transformer robots that you draw so well are not found in the winter forest. You'll have to somehow portray your long-suffering hare. Are there any options on how to do this, or can I help you? In general, a sense of humor can smooth out any criticism.

The third common mistake concerns the constant dissatisfaction of parents regarding their child. Moreover, the parents themselves do not notice and do not recognize this, but explain their words and actions precisely with love, care and experiences. How does it happen?

This is what a typical scene looks like in the evening in kindergarten. The child runs out to his mother with a smile and wants to hug her, and she quickly pulls him back: “So, come on, move, we are in a hurry! Why are the tights wet? How did you walk today? Don't you understand that you can't walk in puddles? You get sick, there will be sick injections. Well, what are you such a kopushka? Five years, and all your mother has to dress you! The child tries to talk to his mother while dressing and show her his drawing. He hears the following in response: “Stop talking, my head hurts from work, and here you are. Poor teachers! And how do they endure you all day long? Okay, I'll look at your drawing at home. It would be better to learn to read than to draw cars every day! According to her mother, she didn’t say “nothing like that”, she even forgot after 10 minutes what it was about. But the kid goes home without a mood, because he is a stupid, inept bastard, from which his head hurts.

Dear parents, remember! Every child is unique and lives their own life. Every child needs constant parental love and care, which is expressed in words, deeds, and hugs. Before criticizing a daughter or son, take a look at yourself. Perhaps it is worth starting with yourself, and the child himself will take an example from you and change too.