The husband left the family for his mistress, but does not want to get divorced. Are there cases of a happy family life after the husband went to his mistress, lived there and returned

If your husband left the family - this is not a reason to fall into hysterics and think that life is over. There is a correct behavioral tactic that will help to avoid stress and adequately solve the problem. We will share it in this article. You will learn why spouses leave their wives, how to respond to the desire to file for divorce, how to behave when parting. You will also decide what to do after the breakup of a marriage, whether it is worth returning the departed man and how to do it correctly. You will find advice from experienced psychologists and a way out of the situation.

Most often, psychologists name the following reasons:

• excessive guardianship by the spouse;
• lack of common hobbies;
• loss of sexual interest;
• deterioration of mutual understanding, constant quarrels;
• a woman does not take care of herself, forcing a man to be interested in other ladies;
• everyday problems.

There can be many reasons why a loved one decided to leave his wife and get divorced, and not all of them are limited to cheating spouses or mutual claims.

If the lover has not yet left the family and is in no hurry to file for divorce, but intends to do so, the woman needs to show restraint and wisdom. Excessive emotionality will only harm the situation. How should one behave in such a case?

1. To begin with, psychologists advise to talk, discuss the situation. A man must understand that it is much easier to destroy relationships than to build them.
2. You should change your behavior, stop nag your spouse, reduce the level of control over him.
3. As soon as a man voices the reason for the breakup, it should be eliminated, demonstrating that the relationship still has a chance to recover. Praise your husband, pay attention to him, do not quarrel.
4. If a man has a mistress, it is worth working on his appearance, emphasizing his beauty in all ways.
5. It is necessary that the house should always be clean, the refrigerator should be filled with food so that a man feels comfort and coziness.

Psychologists emphasize that in most cases, separation can be prevented, and sometimes an elementary conversation saves from divorce. But overwhelmed by pride and resentment, the spouses refuse to hear each other's claims.

To prevent a crisis, you need to talk, discuss problems and decide if there is a way out of this situation.

How to deal with a breakup

If the partner nevertheless decided to divorce, you need to behave as follows:

• do not stoop to tears and prayers, as this will not be of any use;
• during parting, be detached, but friendly;
• it is worth thanking the man for the years lived together, evoking nostalgia in him, remembering the bright moments of the joint past;
• you need to look at 100% so that a man sees what beauty he is missing.

The main thing is not to seem like a victim. If the woman cries and begs, the partner wants to leave the house as soon as possible. If she looks detached, independent, grains of doubt may arise in him.

You need to talk with your lover without resentment and trembling in your voice, emphasizing the positive aspects in the relationship. All this can become an incentive for their future resurrection. You also need to consider that often. Read here why this happens and how to behave.

What to do after your spouse leaves

And now the woman was left alone, what should be the algorithm of her actions? It all depends on the specific situation. If a man does not have a new girlfriend, it is better to behave as follows:

• occasionally intersect in a common company or at parties, while looking chic;
• invite her husband to her so that he takes the remaining things and at the same time remembers the warmth of the hearth;
• if the couple has children together, spend time together, emphasizing the importance of family values;
• if a man is seriously offended, there is no need to ask for forgiveness, it is worth proving with your actions that the woman has repented (show how upset you are, say that you will improve).

Psychologists emphasize that the departure of a man does not mean a final separation. But if he already has a mistress, it will be more difficult to return a partner. Here you need to act as follows:

• no need to speak badly about the homeowner;
• when meeting with a man, you should look perfect;
• you need to find yourself a boyfriend in order to arouse the jealousy of your spouse;
• you need to behave detached and cold, not showing your inner pain.

If the lover then returns, then leaves, and this has been going on for many months, you should state your position. A woman should emphasize that such a guest marriage does not suit her. She can find a suitor for herself, saying that she can live without a spouse.

Psychologists confirm that the constant departure and return of a husband is a sign of his indecision, unwillingness to divorce.

The spouse is not ready for parting even in case of slowness in submitting documents to the registry office. If a man is in no hurry to write a divorce application, you should not rush him. A girl can send romantic SMS to her husband, occasionally cross paths with him - do everything so that the thought of parting seems stupid to him.

Is it worth returning the departed husband

Many psychologists advise the lady to carefully consider the need for the return of her lover. What factors can influence this?

1. A woman must understand that a partner who has left once can do it again, which means that there will be inconstancy in the relationship.
2. If partners have feelings for each other, you should try to save the marriage.
3. If a man has decided on meanness or treason, it is worth restoring relations only in the most extreme cases.
4. After leaving and returning, the former trust in the family will no longer be.
5. Restoring relationships will take a lot of time, which is likely to be wasted.

Not all unions deserve to fight for them to the end. But if a woman loves her husband immensely and cannot live without him, such a struggle makes sense.

Do you want to know all the ways to quickly get your loved one back after a breakup? We recommend reading free book Alexey Chernozem "How to return a loved one". You will receive a step-by-step plan on how to make him want to come back again.

The book is free. To download, go to this page, leave your e-mail and an email will be sent to the mail with a link to the pdf-file.

Ways to return a man

To return a lover, you need to act as follows:

• it is necessary to meet as often as possible, but not be intrusive;
• a man should always be reminded of a happy joint past;
• if there are common children, it is worth meeting with the whole family as often as possible;
• you should occasionally ask a man for help around the house or advice on repairing equipment, emphasizing his need.

A man should feel a connection with his ex-wife, understand that they will always have a joint past. Thanks to this, it will be possible to maintain relations and achieve rapprochement between quarreling partners. If the spouse went to his mistress, use ours. It highlights the reasons why this can happen, the role of children, magical rituals, what not to do.

You will find a lot of useful information here, where it is described in detail. We answered the questions: what conspiracies will help solve the problem, what should be the behavior of a woman, what to do if there are children.

Listen to the main mistakes women make when trying to win back their husbands:

How to move on after a breakup

Sometimes a woman goes into all serious trouble after a divorce, trying to survive the breakup in this way. Psychologists advise not to rush into the arms of other men, not to look for casual relationships. Now is the perfect time to take care of yourself. It is worth changing your hairstyle, updating your wardrobe, going on vacation. this article will help. Here it is written about 7 steps that need to be taken, how to let him go and not suffer if you live together, how to understand that feelings have passed.

The best medicine after breaking up is a new relationship with another man who will make you truly happy. We advise you to look new free video course Alexey Chernozem "12 laws of seduction for women". From the course you will learn how to attract his attention, push him to get acquainted, interest and captivate.

To watch, click here on this link, leave your e-mail and an email with a link to the video will be sent to the mail.

A woman must learn to love herself, stop blaming herself for divorce. Gradually, from such love, she will blossom, bathing in the attention of the opposite sex. If difficulties arise, we have prepared other tips on how to. We told how to behave, how to survive a blow, especially if there is a child.

How to behave after a breakup, see this video:

Divorce is far from the worst thing that can happen to a woman. Surviving a breakup with dignity is not easy, but by ceasing to blame herself for what happened, the lady will find not only the minuses in parting, but also the advantages. And maybe you don’t want to return your ex-spouse at all.

You can put a lot of effort into your beauty, comprehend spiritual practices and culinary arts, love your spouse without memory and one day find that everything has collapsed - he leaves for another. Some blame their mistress for this, others blame their husband, others blame themselves. Who is really to blame?

If the husband went to his mistress, then there is a reason for that. Perhaps, after some time, he will be pulled home and the couple will be reunited again. In order not to step on the same rake twice, a married couple should find the cause of the gap and try to eliminate it. What can become one?

• Polygamy. Sometimes there is no one to blame. Polygamy is inherent in nature itself, therefore it is better to take the information for granted and just wait. In 90% of cases, men return to the family.

• Mystery. By nature, a man is a hunter. To keep him, you need to intrigue. No wonder there is an expression that a woman should be a mystery. When it is solved, the hunter rushes in search of a new victim. But then he returns to his wife again. This fact does not apply to all males. But there is a certain type for whom such a game is the essence of love relationships.
• Strong woman. There are women who do not tolerate sentimentality and are even afraid to show weakness in private. They do not disdain male work, solve family problems and earn more than the head of the family. It is not surprising that the spouse goes to his mistress after some time. After all, no one asked how he sees an ideal marriage. Perhaps he wants to take care, be the main breadwinner and solve everyday problems himself. And at one point in the life of a man a companion appears, allowing this to be done. Although there is also a downside: since initiative is not inherent in this type, the role of the head of the family will not be fulfilled for long. When the enthusiasm goes out, the husband returns to his wife again.
• Gen. It's no secret that everyday life kills feelings. A series of problems bothers and often leads to quarrels in marriage. Scandals become the only emotional outburst. The rest remains behind the scenes. It is this “rest” that the spouse finds on the side.
• Extreme. The passion between the spouses subsides over the years, the relationship is more like a friendship. She cooks, he seeks novelty and finds it on the side. Although the ending of these love affairs is also predictable - usually, having experienced a dose of extreme sports, the faithful return to their ex-wives.
• Wife's indifference. This is a classic situation: bathrobe, curlers, pots, children. Zhenya is too lazy to take care of herself, there is no time to listen about her husband's problems. The husband in such a situation, as in the previous one, finds solace in another.

How long will the fight between the former and the future last?

There are a lot of cases when men return to the family from a new passion. The question is, how long does it take? How long do you have to wait - a year, two, three or more? According to psychologists, serious romances on the side last about eight months. This is a short time, if we recall the theory that love lives for three years. At the same time, it is impossible to answer with accuracy how long a loved one will return home. Everyone has their own situation. For some representatives of the stronger sex, a relationship with mistresses can last a dozen years. These are the cases when they are in no hurry to make a choice and live in two houses. Marriage here rests only on an unspoken agreement: everyone has their own personal life.

If the husband went to his mistress immediately

No long hesitation. The situation is simplified a bit because:

• The timing of throwing, and at the same time the torment of all parties, is reduced.
• The sooner the joint life of a new couple begins, the sooner their feelings will be tested by everyday life.
• A man will begin to compare the former with a new passion and will quickly determine whether he feels good in the new conditions.

The optimal period required for the transition from passion to everyday life is one and a half to two years. The term may be shorter, because sometimes the very fact of meetings on the sly gives sharpness. If the meaning of love was only in this, the former quickly part with their mistresses and come back. Here are a few more reasons why husbands return to their wives from mistresses:

• Mental and physical comfort, which was in the former house and was lost in another.
• Financial situation, which suited the former and does not suit the current companion - she counted on more.
• Disappeared passion. Perhaps passion was the only reason for the union. When she disappears, the situation comes to a standstill. They say about such cases: "It was a mistake."
• Epiphany. It turned out that love was far-fetched, the man just needed a pause to understand how dear his ex-wife was to him.

It is not excluded that the above will have one underlying reason - a midlife crisis. Many mistakes are made precisely because of a radical reassessment of values. In times of crisis, this is very important.

How long the midlife crisis lasts is as difficult to determine as it is to answer how long the spouse will pull home. Everyone has their own time limit.

It can be squeezed into a year, or it can stretch for a dozen years. It all depends on internal complexes and upbringing. But no matter how long the midlife crisis lasts, comfort on the side will not be a salvation from the experience. A variant is possible when a man breaks off relations with his wife, and then with a new passion, and for some time remains in the status of a bachelor.

woman's behavior,abandoned: first reaction

The departure of a loved one is stressful, so experiencing negative emotions in the first period is normal. A woman feels humiliated, offended, she is hurt and scared because no one needs her. Holding back emotions is not a woman’s business, therefore, the sooner they splash out, the sooner you can pull yourself together. The latter is very important for those who intend to return their spouse home. Yes, you won’t be forcibly sweet and no one gives guarantees that he will return, but to adequately perceive the news of leaving is already the first step towards reconciliation.

The most important thing is to contain negative emotions at the time of leaving. Even if the couple will never be together again, the unpleasant sensations from their actions can remain for life.

When the deed is done and he still left, you should not seek solace in food, alcohol or promiscuity. Going to extremes doesn't make it any easier. Do not bode well and endless phone calls. Requests to return home, accusations and reproaches only humiliate. So you definitely can’t save a family from a mistress. Rather, on the contrary: for a loved one, these actions will be another confirmation that he did the right thing.

How to behave? It’s good if the spouse had long guessed about the connection on the side and had the opportunity to prepare herself for the news of leaving. Worse, if the news has become a bolt from the blue. In this situation, you can’t pick up a reaction, it will splash out intuitively. Although it is possible to stop in time. Ideally, it is better not to make a scandal, not to play out a drama, but, having swallowed an insult, calmly accept the news. And if a woman still has the courage to say that she respects the decision of her beloved, then the first winning move is automatically credited to the former. The husband will certainly appreciate the wisdom of his wife, not now, then later, when he wants to return.

Important! Under no circumstances should you have any relationship withhusband's new companion! It is always a loss and humiliation of oneself.

Another important recommendation is not to overdo it in discussions with friends. You should not dedicate them to the details of your married life and pour mud on the former. What if after a while he returns home and family life will improve again? Meeting people who are aware of a family scandal is not very pleasant. Will have to change friends and company.

And yes, the more talk about cheating, the more the emotional pendulum swings. Finding peace of mind will be more difficult, and the state of resentment will last longer.

What to do when emotions have subsided: an attempt to understand yourself

When the first reaction is lived, instead of repeatedly scrolling the situation, you need to step back and think about how to proceed. It must be remembered that there are only two options: forgive and return or forget and move on. If the choice fell on the first, then you should seriously think about what exactly makes you return your ex-spouse. After all, feelings tend to mix and in such a situation it is difficult to distinguish where is the truth and where is the product of anger and resentment. What can guide when deciding to return the ex:

• Desire to restore dignity. Trying to take away her own, the spouse wants to restore self-esteem and compensate for the offense. If a reunion occurs, the couple does not live together for a long time. Living together is reduced to reproaches and pressure on guilt. Do husbands return to such exes forever? Hardly.
• Revenge of the lover. Perhaps the relationship in the couple collapsed a long time ago, but the spouses never talked about it. As a result of a breakup, a woman may simply be angry at the one who allegedly broke their family. But if the man returns, the feeling of victory will last a maximum of a week. Then there will be the same reproaches, guilt and disgust.
• Children. The most common reason. Parents forget that children are happy when their mom and dad are happy too. Children feel emotions very subtly, therefore, keeping a family by deception is not the surest way. If you talk to children at an adult level, they will understand and support any decision of their parents.

But what if the cause is true love? When can you start trying to get your loved one back? At once. The first rule is not to push, not to set conditions, not to threaten and not to push in decisions. The second is a serious but calm conversation in private. A married couple should try to remember all the difficulties and happy moments lived together. It is good if she makes it clear that the feelings have not yet faded away and that she is ready to accept the former into the family after the betrayal. The conversation will be a test for her. Suddenly, in the process of communication, it turns out that there are no feelings at all, that this is self-deception. Or it may be that the spouse himself will show doubts about the breakup and hint that not everything is lost. His departure may be only a momentary insanity.

Women's advice: If the faithful decided to return, do not be quickdisclose hugs. At first, it’s better to “think” a little about whether to take it back. After all, he is the culprit of women's tears and suffering.

What if he is not going to return?

If a man remains adamant after a conversation, then away from feelings and self-criticism. These two satellites are the worst solution to the problem. You need to focus on the future and start creating a new life. This is possible only if you forbid yourself once and for all to scroll through variations on the theme: will he ever return to me? You need to focus only on yourself: remember your attractiveness, the ability to arouse desire in men.

It is best to start a new stage with appearance. It is even recommended by psychologists. A new hairstyle, a radical change in clothing style, getting rid of extra pounds - these worries can fill your thoughts at first. If there are any things in the house that remind you of past relationships, you need to get rid of them or put them out of sight. The same goes for the wardrobe.

You have to find the good in everything. If the husband somehow held back the former companion, for example, did not let him go to meetings with friends, now is the time to take advantage of the opportunity. It’s also worth thinking about what you always wanted to do, but didn’t have time for it: yoga, dancing, swimming pool, fitness, etc. The more active your pastime, the more chances you have to switch to a good one and push an unpleasant event into the background.

It is even better to regard the gap as an opportunity to analyze your mistakes in family life. Perhaps after some period it will be found out that the reason for the divorce was not at all what it seemed at first. If a woman finds the courage to admit and work through her mistakes, she will have a better chance of creating a new and more prosperous family.

And perhaps it will happen that after a while the man will be pulled home. They often return to the former if they give them complete freedom. After all, the more the level of importance of the problem decreases, the faster it is solved by itself. And then it’s up to the woman to decide whether to accept the former into the family after the betrayal or continue to build a new life with another person.

Fairy tales always end the same way: "They lived happily ever after."

But if you adapt this statement to real life, in some situations it is necessary to make adjustments, for example: "They lived happily ever after, despite the fact that the husband once almost left the family for his mistress."

It is pointless to deny, a huge number of women face a similar problem. More than half of married couples manage to save their marriage and pass this hardest test.

What to do if the husband left for another woman is it really as tragic as it seems ? – let's talk about it today.

The husband went to his mistress, but does not get divorced

What should a woman do, what should she hope for in a situation where a man leaves for another woman, but does not take his things and does not file for divorce?

What does he feel:

The man himself is not sure that “this is the end” of marriage. On a subconscious level, he did not break off relations with his wife, did not rule out the possibility that he would want to return. Yes, it’s interesting, yes, a new passion attracts and beckons, but there is no confidence in a new relationship - habit, fear and ... love for a spouse interfere.

Yes, he admitted that he met another. Yes, he said he was leaving his wife. However, you can’t throw many years of marriage out of your life, you won’t erase pleasant memories. It is not easy for a man to accept the idea that children will grow up without his constant presence or with a new "dad". Men are not made of iron, they are made of flesh and blood, like us. It's not easy for them either. They are also worried.

It is not easy for a man to get rid of the fear of a collapsing habitual way of life. Therefore, he reserves the right to return to his wife and children. What if he doesn't like where he's going?.. - Sounds outrageous, doesn't it? But let's not judge. We all make mistakes and we have the right to choose.

What should she do:

You don't have to endure your pain. Let it burst out with a wild cry from your exhausted soul and weightless body - this is exactly how a woman who has been betrayed feels. At first, you need to cry, scream, break dishes, call with threats or with pleas to return. At first, you should not even want to live on ... You need to hurt. You need to fully experience the loss of a relationship, do not be afraid of it.

You have to go through this. It's unavoidable.

And then, when you let go a little, admit to yourself: Both are to blame for what happened - That husband took a mistress have andIt's my fault, I don't deny it. Why did this happen? - I'll think about it now.

You accept the truth and the new circumstances that have developed in your life today. Don't self-flagellate. Just accept the facts. This is a very important step.

Now list the things you regret: was rude, forgot about herself and her interests, did not praise her husband, did not show ingenuity in sex, did not support him and did not intercede when it needed to be done.

Next important step:

List the things your husband did/didn't do that ended up causing you to do the things you now regret (see point above).

A wife's behavior is the result of her husband's attitude towards her.

Why you need to let go of a man

In one film, a woman did not want to let her husband go, tied him to a chair with ropes and thus tried to sort things out. It was a comedy film. In life, faced with such a situation, spouses will not be laughing .. -

Take seriously, in an adult way, what I have written below. Or don't read if you want to take revenge and wallow in your sadness.

The next important step is not to block the man's path and let him go.

This is the time when a woman needs to decide whether she will be ready to take him back if he wants to return. What will their “new” marriage be like? Under what conditions is it possible? What will each of you have to do?

The difficulty is that taking him back into the house is not difficult! Another thing will not be easy: you will need to forgive betrayal, never again remember your husband’s misconduct and step over your spouse’s affair, continuing to love each other, respect and try for relationships.

Are you ready for this? ..

The husband went to his mistress, how to return

Why am I talking with such confidence about taking my husband back? Because in most cases it is inevitable! Men rarely abandon their family in favor of their mistress - the statistics of such cases, fortunately, are small. It takes 17 months for a man to “try there” and come back.

The first and third thought that comes to a woman's mind after the departure of her husband: "How to get him back?" The second thought has several variations. The most common: “Yes, and roll on all four sides!”, - At what stage are you?

In order to return a husband who went to his mistress, internal work on oneself is necessary, because. external actions in relation to a man are very limited. You cannot force him to return, you cannot take him by force, by starvation. The best you can do is arrange a meeting. Find an excuse yourself (handover/parenting/important message/parting gift), or arrange a "random" meeting.

You need to prepare for this:

♦ excellent mood and tranquility. In order to train yourself, you need to mentally scroll through the upcoming meeting with your husband many times.

What will you talk about? - Distracted topics (work, a new hobby, a sudden meeting with friends, the success of children).

The most difficult thing is to restrain yourself, your emotions, which can have a huge run-up - from hatred to unbridled passion. You need to stock up on endurance;

♦ well-groomed, neat appearance. Choose the classics - elegant and not too "for him";

♦ former enthusiasm. Do you remember how you were at the beginning of your relationship? - Wit, sense of humor, charm, naivety and spontaneity. Here is the one-man theater for you.

I understand it's hard to smile when you want to cry. But if you want to return, you have to make an effort on yourself. If it’s hard, I’ll reveal a secret - it’s easier to come to terms with your position as a victim, feel sorry for yourself, get angry at your opponent and give up, allowing yourself to get fat and, sorry, dumb. Efforts in this case do not need to be applied - everything will work out by itself. But it’s not worth counting on the fact that personal life will improve - with or without a husband.

You can fight for a close, dear and beloved person, initially letting him go.

Or file for divorce, not allowing yourself to become dependent on his actions and decisions.

In general, it makes sense to look at everything that happens differently. See 5th step:

There are situations - quite common - when Husband went to mistress, then he began to visit the previous family again, first with a reason, then without. The wife quietly rejoices, but prematurely - the husband still does not return. The mistress is angry - what are you all dangling about ?! And so for a long time, here and there.

I am sometimes reproached for being too categorical when I urge to give a traitor a kick in one place - they say, male psychology is arranged differently. Well, today I will tell you about the psychology of such men. I will even tell you how to make a man stop jumping back and forth. Don't forget to dust yourself off after reading.

At my last job, I had several male colleagues - they all walked, regardless of age. One of them was frank about his adventures, I even knew his mistress. When I asked - “You understand that your wife, too, can sooner or later take advantage of the fact that you are not always at home and get someone?”. To which he replied very emotionally: “Damn! No, first I’ll get divorced, then I’ll bury!” To my great satisfaction, after about 3 years, his wife still cuckolded him. Do you think he stole someone or ran to get a divorce in order to finally go to his mistress? No matter how. He turned into a tearful, snotty nonentity who sobbed on the shoulder of his colleagues, his mistress, his wife's friends and drank valerian with corvalol. Having survived the first stress, he directed all his efforts to restoring relations with his wife. I realized that I was a bad husband, I began to learn how to cook, etc.

This is not the only story. The main mistake of wives who decide to keep unfaithful husbands is in excessive diligence. Show that she is better than her rival, focus on children, family, etc. Understand one thing: if a man has no intention to leave, he will not leave, even if you try, even if you don’t. If he wants - the same. Therefore, the best thing you can do is speed up his departure if he is thinking, or put him out if he is not thinking about anything and is not going to leave. I'll explain it in terms of psychology a bit later. I do not advise you to change in response - because here the result is 50 to 50. Maybe he will forget his mistress and rush to return you, or maybe he will put you out with a black eye. Very often, after the wife's reciprocal betrayal, for some time, relations improve, including sexual ones. The husband needs to prove that he is better, and show the woman what she is losing. Don't take things like this seriously.

Also, my advice is never confess your infidelity, even if the husband has found evidence. Stay until the very end. His suspicions are revenge enough on your part, believe me. But if you are caught red-handed, then don't say "he means nothing to me!" It is easier for us women to hear such excuses. For men, it's the opposite. If you say that you met a week ago and just slept drunk, the husband will think that his woman is an easily accessible whore that anyone can lay down after a couple of glasses. Better say that this man sought you for six months, gave you flowers, swore love and you could not resist his charm.

So what if Husband went to mistress or living a double life. Lovers will also benefit from reading. But keep in mind one thing - if a man went to another immediately, having collected a minimum of things, and disappeared from your life, then here you are unlikely to fix anything.

In a love triangle, both wife and mistress suffer. As long as they are patient, the man is comfortable, he is not going to decide anything. In the article, I wrote that even a great feeling for a mistress may not be a reason for divorce, because a man loses much more than his family - he loses his usual way of life. In exchange for the woman he already has. As soon as the wife or mistress, or both at the same time, begin to put pressure on him with a choice, the man falls into severe stress. Moreover, much more than each of them experiences. The results of such stress can be several:

1. Suspended situation lasting for years, when a man withdraws himself and leaves women to fight for him while he passively stands aside.

2. A man finds a third woman and goes to her.

3. A man finds something to do, in which he plunges headlong, moving away from his wife and mistress. For example, he joins the gym and diligently “pulls iron” or creates a rock band or something else.

You have - regardless of which side of the barricades you are on - 2 exits:

- Leave the man alone, let him collect his thoughts and choose, while you live your life for now. But here you need to have nerves of steel and understand that it’s not a fact that you will be chosen and it’s not a fact that a man won’t decide that everything has “settled down”.

- Increase stress by making a decision for a man and put him out.

The second option is more suitable for women. In fact, a man who has not left home in the very first months can collect his thoughts for years. Too much frightens him - he leaves his usual apartment, his usual way of life, his usual daily routine, while in the eyes of those around him he is bad, he is condemned. Do you remember how important it is for a man to be considered good. Plus now he needs to support 2 families. And create your new world from scratch. All this slows down the decision. It's actually very hard. Maybe even harder than a woman. At least she stays in her environment. And she has a big outlet - she can be distracted by children. The man is not. That is why in the first moments after the breakup, many men gravitate so much to communicating with a child - he reminds of his former life. And many women forbid them to see each other - subconsciously realizing that this makes life easier for their ex-husband.

By expelling her husband to his mistress before he himself decided it, the wife forms the strongest stress in the man. The discomfort of surprise is added to the above experiences - he is not mature, he is not ready for such drastic changes! His world is crumbling. He, of course, goes to his mistress, because there is nowhere else - but he sits, yearns, keeps aloof with her, starts drinking or begins to come up with excuses why he needs to go to visit the child. Then - why does he need to stay overnight in that family. The mistress is angry - this adds even more stress to him. As a result, the life of a man turns into hell.

If a man is 40-50 years old, often such stress leads to serious illnesses. And even death from a heart attack or stroke. But once in the hospital, the man begins to gravitate towards his former life. This is logical. When you feel bad, you want maximum comfort. And the man was comfortable at home. Plus, he remembers how his wife looked after him, that she knows his sores and, perhaps, even knows the doctors, she has experience and connections in this matter. There is an ability to make decisions for him while he is sick. And if the mistress is younger, then the man may notice fear and insecurity in her. Worst things so far. The hospital is often the turning point in a love triangle.

But even without health problems, a man begins to reach out to his ex-wife (for the reasons indicated above). The worst mistake a wife can make is to think it means something. For now, the man just goes where he can at least relax his soul a little. He does not think about returning - he yearns for familiar things. If the wife responds to his offer of sex or an overnight stay - that's all, she will lose him. A man will be greatly relieved that his former life is available to him and will now run to his wife when he wants a little comfort. Will live with his mistress. Or there and there. In general, everything is as it was from the very beginning, it will only change women's places.

If you want to get your husband back, dictate the terms. You can come to the child, walk with him or both of us, you can have lunch or dinner with us. But at a time that is convenient for me. You can come when I say and leave when I need to. You can be interested in my life, but understand that you no longer have a relationship with it and I make all the decisions myself. You can even stay the night - but in a different room, because we are no longer husband and wife.

Thus, the wife dosed out gives her ex-husband the comfort he needs. Like a donkey - they beckoned with a carrot, but they didn’t give it. They gave me a little bite, but a little good. The stick and stick method. If you want to get everything - pack your things and move permanently, break off those relationships.

And he will, trust me. The mistress simply will not have trump cards. True, there is no guarantee that after some time a man will not restore relations with her or start a new one ...

Good day! Please help me figure it out: my husband left 11 months ago for "nowhere", without explaining the reasons. As it turned out later, he left with an insult that he was not needed and was not loved, and as if it had always been like that. He said that he wanted to live alone, that as he left, he realized that he did not love me and that he did not need anyone's love, that he was monogamous and now loves only himself. That was the first six months. And now, for the last 4 months, he has been living in a relationship with his work colleague in a rented apartment where 3 other people live. He hid from me for a long time that he began to live with her. He says that in this relationship he is satisfied with the lack of obligations and that it is convenient for him, and everything suits him. She loves him and wants to get married and have children. He is her first man in every sense: she is 27, and six months ago, i.e. at 26, he took her virginity. Whether he loves her - I don’t know, he always answers that he can’t say that he loves her, but that he doesn’t love her either, otherwise he wouldn’t live with her. But the fact remains that he lives with her, not with me. He does not answer provocative questions about his attitude towards me.
During these 11 months there were different things: tantrums, and tears, and pleas, we either talked, then I tried to break off relations with him, then we began to communicate again. Sex continued at the beginning after his departure and continued for the first 5 months, then he stopped it, explaining that "it's all or nothing." Then there was nothing for 5 months, but in the last month our sexual relationship resumed.
He himself does not show any special initiative in all our relations, he says: “If you want to communicate, come on, I don’t mind, if you don’t want, we won’t”, it seems like the choice is all up to me.
We lived with him for 13 years, we have a daughter. We are still not divorced. At first he talked about divorce, but he could not resist my tears, and now he says that divorce is not fundamental to him. When I start a conversation on this topic, he does not support it. And I don't know what to do next! He knows that I love him and have been waiting for almost a year. I understood and realized all my mistakes. I forgave him and am ready to build a new relationship with him so that we can all be happy. But he doesn't believe me. He sees all the changes, but says that this is not serious and that this is now a good relationship, but we will live together and return to the same thing that we left. Of course, he is great, he is loved and expected both there and here, but it cannot continue like this all his life?! To some shore, after all, you need to nail! And the fact that he does not divorce me and maintains a good relationship with me only feeds my hope! I hope that there is no love there, that he needs me and you just need to wait for him to understand that the main and real thing is family and that he still loves me. Illusion? Or does it make sense? Today I posed a question to him point-blank: almost a year has passed and something needs to be decided - if we are not getting a divorce, then why, and if you still completely left, then go away - take all your things, file for divorce, and I I will know that I have nothing more to look forward to. Or maybe I don’t see or don’t want to see the obvious? Maybe there is no hope for a long time, since he is with her ?! And most importantly, not with me!
He is silent for now. I have a complete confusion in my head and feelings. I’m very afraid that he will say not only that everything is over (however, he already said something), but also confirm this with a divorce. I can't figure out what to do. How can I convince him to believe me that everything is still possible with us? How should I behave with him, what to say, how to inspire him to take action, preferably positive? And what is the lesser evil for me: to wait indefinitely (after all, he may have already made his choice and, alas, not in my favor) or to get a divorce, which carries in itself, albeit heavy, but certainty that he definitely doesn’t need me and there's nothing more to look forward to...? Or maybe let everything take its course, maintain relations with him, technically convincing him that I am better, that the family is us (I have been trying for 11 months - so far there is no result), or not maintain relations at all - maybe he will feel the need for me ... Complete discord in the soul, because the mind argues with the feelings, and the feelings with the mind ...
You will excuse the wordiness. There are many questions... What to believe? What to hope for? Or not hope? Wait? How to live? What is the truth? What does he want? And the main one: what to do?!

P.S. The other day, as usual at night, it became painful and insulting for everything, and I, having "twisted" myself, because he left us, lives with another and what else to expect - I hardly fell asleep in the morning, having made another decision that it was everything needs to be stopped, torn completely and forever ... And I woke up with a feeling of immense happiness, because I dreamed (for the second time all the time) that he had returned, how he looks at me, how I look at him, and we are so happy together How happy are people who have searched for a long time and found!

You can make any decisions you want, but this dream is a real reflection of all my feelings, thoughts and desires.

Marina, Novosibirsk, 33 years old

Family Psychologist Answer:

Hello Marina.

A dream... It's just a dream. You really want this dream to become a reality. But while the reality is uncertain and full of illusions and hopes. I will answer your questions one by one. "What to believe?" I don't know. Everyone chooses for himself what to believe in. "What to hope for? Or not to hope? Wait?" You need to hope for the best, but do not forget about the present. Sometimes hope does such a tricky thing - people live only for it, enduring a lot of pain and suffering in the present, in the hope that it will someday end, without doing anything to stop their suffering now. "How to live?" Live in peace, without suffering. "What is the truth?" Interest Ask. Everyone has their own truth. "What does he want?" Only he can know. I can imagine, but it may be far from reality. For example, he wants to have two women to be loved both there and here and waited. Or he has not yet decided and leaves himself the opportunity to return. Or he doesn't care what happens to you. Or ... "And the main one: what to do ?!" To begin with, relax and stop winding yourself up and suffering. And then you will see.

Sincerely, Moskova Maria Valerievna.