home › Esoterics › No older or younger brothers. Character of children: older and younger

No older or younger brothers. Character of children: older and younger

“There's a lot of fiction in our ideas about family life,” says psychotherapist Jean Safer, author of Cain's Legacy, a book about sibling relationships. - We are sure that “blood is thicker than water”, that your family will be with you, even when others turn their backs on you... Sometimes this is really true, but not everyone is lucky. It’s amazing how little people talk about it.”

Problems in sibling relationships are usually attributed to personal animosity between family members or other similar reasons. Of course, these factors play a role, but the main reason is deeper: it has to do with childhood, with the way your parents treated you.

Sibling relationships always start out as rivalry, with deeper sibling feelings coming later.

The relationships of parents with their brothers and sisters undoubtedly affect the relationships between children in the family. When raising children, adults may subconsciously try to correct the problems of their own childhood.

“One of my cousins is much younger than her sister, and the mother decided that a small child should not bother a teenager,” Safer says. “That’s why a lock was inserted into the door to the eldest daughter’s room so that the younger daughter couldn’t go inside without permission. The eldest now picked up toys and locked herself in the room. How did this happen?

The girls' mother was the eldest child in the family, and her younger sister was allowed everything. And what did the older sister do when she became an adult? She tried to put her life back together. As a result, my cousins don’t talk to each other anymore.”

Fortunately, not all conflicts between siblings end so sadly. To understand why some have completely broken off relationships while others live peacefully together in the same room, it is necessary to realize that sibling relationships always begin as rivalry, and deeper family feelings come later.

“It all depends on what parents do: they can acknowledge the fact of competition and work with it, or, conversely, they can subtly encourage confrontation or deny the problem at all,” Safer explains. “Parents are responsible for maintaining love and peace in the family, and if they do not do this, problems between children are inevitable.”

You can try to solve these problems as an adult. Here are seven recommendations from a therapist to help you do just that.

1. Be prepared for difficulties

"Reconciliation is hard work," Safer says. Ask yourself: do you really want to change the relationship or are you just doing it out of a sense of duty? You need good enough reasons to go through this difficult path. “There will be a lot of failed attempts, a lot of misunderstandings, and all this can last for years,” she warns.

Accept that your brother or sister sees things from their own perspective. “If you were the favorite in the family and your brother or sister is still angry about it, admit that you got more than he did,” says Safer. Sometimes even a simple admission of a fact can change something dramatically.

If you were not the favorite, think about why this happened. Is it your brother or sister's fault that they were loved more? Or did parents play a role here?

3. Don't make excuses

“People make all kinds of excuses not to do what they're afraid of,” Safer says. Think, perhaps you are just afraid to take the first step? And don’t be ashamed of this fear, it is quite natural, because the refusal of such an important person for you can be quite painful. If in the end you manage to get closer, that’s great; if not, you won’t lose anything.

4. Forget Facebook

Instead of trying to repair your relationship by occasionally commenting on Facebook photos, be bolder in what you want. "People will respond better if you simply say, 'I want to fix this!' - Says Safer. Be more open and sincere!

5. You don't have to become best friends.

Let's face it: is it possible for you to become friends forever if you only spoke once in the entire last year? Try to first turn your mutual hostility into a neutral relationship.

6. Don't lose hope

Your attempt at reconciliation may seem doomed from the start, but change is possible. "I think that's one of the important things in life - to look at the past and change something," says Safer. Some people are already over 50 when their life circumstances change (for example, their parents may get sick) and suddenly relationships between siblings improve. “Sometimes crisis situations change life for the better,” Safer is sure.

7. If it doesn't work out, just accept the fact.

Life brings people together, but it can also separate them. “My husband and his brother cared for my elderly father together, but this interaction completely killed the hope of repairing the relationship,” says Safer. In her opinion, some relationships are so damaged that they simply cannot be restored. The only thing you can do is try to understand your brother or sister and transform the feeling of hatred into something less destructive.

What is your relationship like?

Even siblings who communicate freely may feel like strangers. Where are you on the Jean Safer scale?

"A Crack in the Armor." Of course, you had problems, but something brought you closer: growing up together or the death of one of your parents. There is more and more warmth between you, and you can well imagine a future where you enjoy each other's company.

"Through an intermediary." You would like to get closer, but you are afraid to broach the topic of your difficult relationship. You can find an approach to each other through an intermediary, usually a child. If your child is spending time with your sister's child, having a common topic of conversation will help you get back together.

"Cold politeness." You talk on the phone or email from time to time, but you're not entirely comfortable in each other's company and there's a distinct lack of warmth in your relationship. Even if you would like to have a closer relationship, neither of you makes an attempt to create one. Does pride bother you? Or are you afraid of being rejected?

"Depicting relationships." The most common type of estrangement: You send each other birthday cards, but you don't know what to say when you meet in person. You know almost nothing about each other's lives and are not very eager to find out anything.

"Weddings and funerals." You only meet at family functions or funerals and try not to be alone. During such meetings, your relationship is strained at best, hostile at worst.

"Absolutely strangers." You have forever erased your brothers and/or sisters from your memory. You don't want to meet them and if you are warned that they will be at a family function, you will not go there on purpose.

Just as a tree develops differently in an open field or in a sheltered valley than in an overgrown forest, so the eldest and youngest children each find themselves in their own special life situation, characterized by a combination of social, psychological, biological and other developmental factors. Therefore, the position of the eldest and youngest child in a two-child family is two different life scenarios, each of which has its own “pros” and “pain points”. According to experts, if there is a “chillness” between adult sisters and brothers, this is, as a rule, in eight out of ten cases echoes of childhood battles and mistakes in parental attitudes towards children.

"A Place in the Sun" by the eldest child

The eldest child, enjoying parental love, attention and care from birth alone, faces the traumatic experience of being “overthrown from the throne” with the appearance of a sister or brother, and loses all the advantages of being the only one. According to an extensive statistical study of the life paths of older and younger children conducted abroad, the majority of celebrities were among first-born children - 64% versus 46%. The reasons are explained by psychological factors: the elder, defending his “place in the sun”, in connection with the emerging “competitor”, is forced to take on socially significant life goals.

The objective need of elders to communicate with younger ones and to feel responsible for them allows older children to actively acquire new life skills, thanks to which they become more socially active and successful. The firstborn does not immediately and not always easily adapt to the changed situation in the family with the birth of the second child; it is often a serious stressful situation. Therefore, those parents act wisely who purposefully prepare their first-born for the arrival in the family: they clearly explain and even play out with the child possible changes in the family, and during the first time of caring for the baby, they faithfully preserve the rituals of parental attention that are familiar to the first-born, so that he does not doubt his former values and significance for parents.

Difficulties in the life of a younger child

The second child is more confident in the constancy of his parents’ emotional attitude towards him and grows up, as a rule, more optimistic and less anxious. In addition, the youngest appears in the family in a calmer environment; the parents are already more confident, consistent and experienced in raising their second child. True, today experts note that among the younger ones there are already much fewer “favorites”, and parents pay less attention to the second ones. And yet, the younger child experiences adults’ condescending attitude towards him longer than the older one, and remains in the role of a baby for a long time. Condescension leads to the fact that he is little involved in the normal daily life of the family: “You are still small. You can’t do it, you’ll still have time.” For the younger child, the eldest child is a leader and leader; the younger child, voluntarily and involuntarily, looks up to him.

Certain difficulties in the life of the second child and, as a consequence, a number of psychological problems in his development may be associated with the objective fact that it is difficult to “catch up” in skills and outshine the first-born. Sometimes parents consciously and unintentionally “fuel” competition between children with seemingly harmless phrases: “I know that you can do this just as well as your brother (sister).” In fact, such parental statements do not so much provide support and encouragement for the child as a hidden “invitation” to competition. Is it any wonder that second children begin to experience defeats painfully, which affects their personal characteristics. When the younger one cannot win, the child may even lose motivation to display such qualities as courage, perseverance, determination, energy, initiative, etc. It is no coincidence that, statistically, younger children are more likely to have a dependent position, an irresponsible attitude towards their responsibilities, a selfish character, and a more expressed desire to compete.

In general, experts believe that the birth of a second child in a family is a factor in improving the family situation and reducing marital disagreements. At the same time, with the birth of a second child, rivalry between children becomes a source of stress for parents.

The well-known author of the popular book “The Family Through the Eyes of a Child,” G.T. Khomentauskas, describes three strategies for the behavior of the youngest child in a two-child family in cases where parents, for various reasons, are unable to develop adequate requirements for each, without a clear preference for any of them. The first behavioral strategy - “I will be valuable and loved if I surpass my elder and all means are good to achieve this goal” - is aimed at competition with a brother (sister). The second strategy is directed against parental restrictions - “I will force you to consider me as I am.” The author considers the third strategy to be the most emotionally traumatic - “Don’t you see how worthless I am, so leave me alone” - the second child follows the strategy of remaining in the “shadow” of the older one.

Wise rules of family order

It is unlikely that there are universal recipes for upbringing so that the younger is not subjected to attacks from the elder, and the first-born is not subjected to the manipulations of the younger (slander or boasting, for example). Let us venture to highlight a few time-tested, wise rules of family order when there are two children:

the first child has priority over the second;
each child knows what his individuality is and feels his value and uniqueness for both parents;
love for one child should not diminish love for another;
Involving children in cooperation with each other is many times more important than encouraging rivalry and competition between older and younger.

We invite you to reflect on the success of parents’ educational steps using the following mini-stories from the practice of family education of two children. Do you approve of your parents' actions? What advice would you give to parents when there are two children in the family?

Situation 1. The younger one once again quarreled with the older one.

“You’re not playing fair,” Nikita shouts at his older brother.

And you are a mama's boy. I'm older than you, don't argue with me! - the elder retorted to him. The children began to hurl accusations at each other. The mother did not wait for the children to “get to the point”, she entered the room and, without saying a word, hugged her youngest son by the shoulders. The son, feeling his mother’s support, said to his brother: “I’d rather play with myself.” And he went into another room. Very soon the passions subsided, and Nikita again played with his older brother as if nothing had happened.

Situation 2. When a brother appeared in the family, Lena (3 years old) greeted him friendly. Despite her small age, she already spoke well, was cheerful and active; she loved it when her parents joined in her games. Lena liked to attract the attention of her mother and father; she always tried to be in sight. With the appearance of a brother in the family, the father often boasted to his friends in the presence of the girl that they had finally had a son; the mother was constantly busy with the newborn. Gradually, aggressive attacks against the baby began to appear in the girl’s behavior. One day, her mother watched as Lena took her brother’s pacifier and threw it on the floor. Her mother punished her for this. The girl became more and more whiny and irritable.

Situation 3. The mother asked her eldest daughter, 7.5 years old, to keep an eye on her younger brother in the room while she was busy in the kitchen. After some time, a piercing cry of the baby was heard. The alarmed mother rushed into the room.

Daughter: “He himself... He stepped on the cube and fell. It’s not my fault!”

Mother: “Even in such trifles one cannot rely on you!”

Situation 4. A mother is horrified at the sight of her son beating his younger brother.

Stop it now... If you don't stop, I will punish you. The son doesn't seem to hear. To stop the fight between the children, the mother pulls the older one away from the younger one. The older boy whines.

The mother says to the eldest: “I didn’t do anything to you! Stop crying right now! Don’t cry, I said!”

Summary. A common mistake in raising the eldest and youngest in the family is an attempt to resolve all disputes and disagreements that arise between children for themselves and think that all difficulties will disappear with age. It is important for children to see that their parents are confident in their ability to find peaceful solutions to disagreements. Children are then more likely to take responsibility for regulating their relationships with each other. Children often attract the attention of adults by arguing in order to once again be convinced of their own worth to their parents when they take sides. Therefore, non-interference is an appropriate technique in situations of children’s quarrels, unless, of course, the life and health of the children are threatened. Often children, having splashed out their emotions, continue to play calmly. The constant appeal to seniority (“you are older, give in”) only perpetuates unhealthy relationships between children instead of internalizing the rule “we are both responsible for what happened.”

It is unreasonable to blame an older child for the troubles of a younger one; this does not add to the older child’s sympathy for the younger one and discourages him from messing around with him. You should not humiliate an older child in the eyes of a younger one. In response, the elder, according to the boomerang law, may begin to directly or indirectly humiliate the younger. Who hasn’t had to catch the jealous, incredulous gaze of their first-born at the moment of affectionate fun with the baby? However, for an elder to hear tender, kind words in such a situation is even more important than for a baby. For example: “Thank you for helping my brother tie up his apron, what would I do without you, you are my faithful assistant!” Parental tenderness and gratitude to the first-born are able to overcome the jealous feelings of the older child, then anxiety and mistrust find their way out. It is no coincidence that there is evidence that older children, more than second children, are characterized by anxiety, which does not leave them in adulthood.

You should not rush to sort out the conflict between the elder and the younger when they are both upset, when one of them failed, or was offended by the other. Show that you hear your child and know what he feels and wants.

The brotherhood of children is an expression of unity, one of the indissoluble human bonds. During childhood, a child can receive this valuable acquisition only from the hands of wise parents.

Elena Pavlovna Arnautova,
Ph.D. ped. Sciences, social teacher, deputy director
Center "Preschool Childhood" named after. A.V.Zaporozhets, Moscow
Article provided by the magazine

We often hear stories about how older children react negatively to the arrival of a younger brother or sister in the family. Elders may stop talking to their parents, accusing them of betrayal. They can become aggressive and hostile towards their younger ones. It happens that first-born children, perhaps unknowingly, cause harm to their brothers and sisters - they beat them, tease them, put them in danger and often “throw them into the breach” (especially in situations where parents are looking for the culprit or the instigator of mischief).

Why is this happening? It seems that older children want to literally outlive their younger relatives. Yes, according to the laws of nature, this is so. This is a fight for survival. Love for parents dictates that elders protect their warm place. It is difficult for elders to understand that they must share the affection of their parents with another living being. And it’s even more difficult to start sharing. Children naturally ask: why? Mom’s arguments that “he is your brother” are not convincing for the child. What to do?

Who has it more difficult: older or younger? Psychologists say that... average!

We prepare the elder in advance

Start preparing your eldest for the news of a new addition to the family long before the birth, as soon as you find out about the pregnancy. Tell him how you were waiting for him to appear, how you wanted to get to know him quickly with your dad. If time permits, make a map of his life on a large piece of paper. Using it, the elder will see how he grows and changes. After some time, make the same card for the youngest child. And let the first photograph there be an ultrasound image of the fetus. Tell your first-born that now (how great!!!) you can watch the birth and growth of your new baby together. This will certainly give the first-born a sense of self-worth and maybe even pride.

Watch films with the whole family that show your situation: there is a new addition to the family, everyone is happy, the older children are happy and live in peace and love with the younger ones.

Make a list of great things you can do with your little brother or sister. Hang it in a conspicuous place, so that the first-born will have positive information associated with the birth of a new loved one on a subconscious level.

The torments and joys of the younger ones

Younger children also have a hard time. When they are born, they also strive to receive their portion of the love and attention of their parents. And, of course, they have no idea that by their appearance they are interfering with someone, taking something away from someone. They have no idea why their sincere unconditional love for their brother or sister is not reciprocated. But younger children love in a special way! They are the ones who are often proud of their elders, run to them for advice, try to imitate them, and win their love and attention! And they experience real torment when they encounter rejection, indifference or ridicule.

It will be difficult for you to explain to your child why his older brother or older sister always bullies him. So try to avoid this altogether. And raise your youngest to be independent. Even though he is at the end of the family chain, tell him that he has the same rights and responsibilities as his older brother. And they expect the same responsibility and independence from him - no concessions!

There are a few more universal tips that will surely strengthen brother-sister relationships.

Parents with many children should watch the film “Little Nicolas.” He perfectly conveys the child's fears before the appearance of his younger brother. Once you understand how your firstborn feels, it will be easier for you to find an approach to him.

Do not force the role of a hero on your older child: “You must be an example”... And, in general, do not set children as examples for each other.
Do not force him to babysit your baby, sit with him, or play with him. This can cause strong rejection of the younger relative for life.
Do not buy children things, gifts of the same quantity, color, content, in order to equalize them and show that your love for them is the same. Children are different, they want to be different, they like to stand out!
Create an important family ritual. This could be active or board games followed by tea on weekends, reading books out loud in a circle in the evenings... The main thing is that everyone is accepted, busy and enthusiastic.
Highlight the uniqueness and characteristics of each child. Over time, you will notice for yourself that the older ones strive to lead, and the younger ones strive to create new things. Support them in these directions.
Do not indulge the younger ones in their whims and inconsistencies. Under no circumstances should you pursue the policy in your family: “He’s the youngest, help him, he doesn’t know how to do it yet.” This position is dangerous for the development of the youngest child as an independent person, who sooner or later will have to fly out of the nest and provide for himself.
Teach your children that they have no one closer to each other. And throughout their lives they will help each other. Brothers and sisters, with proper upbringing, become the closest people!

Psychologists say that there is a certain dynamic in the relationship between an older brother and a younger sister. Models of such relationships are often shown on television shows. The girl walks with her friends, and her older brother looks after her and protects her in every possible way. A sister can always turn to her older brother for advice. At first there are quarrels and disagreements between them, but after a few minutes they are ready to stand up for each other - including in front of their parents. And parents can confirm that this is largely true. When the children play in the yard, the brother often stands up for his sister, and when the brother plays for the school football team, the sister becomes the main fan and does not miss a single game.

As an older brother, he teaches his sister to distinguish between right and wrong behavior. Sometimes he even over-educates his sister. In turn, for the sister, the brother becomes an object of adoration. She would like to play with him and spend more time, but due to the age difference this usually does not happen.

Such brother-sister relationships begin in childhood and continue for many years. They enjoy being in each other's company. They have fun, watch movies and play computer games together. When one of them achieves something, the brother or sister is usually the first to know about it.

Many women and girls agree that there are many benefits for girls that are only possible when they have an older brother. Let's look at some of them.

1. Your older brother teaches you about sports.

Thanks to your older brother, you not only know the rules of the game of football, which you would never figure out on your own, but also the basic commands. With an older brother, you even begin to recognize the faces of football stars.

2. An older brother teaches you to be tough in situations where you need to be tough.

If in childhood there were not all these conflicts with your brother and hooligan antics on his part, you would never have learned to stand up for yourself in difficult situations.

3. It will be easier for you to build romantic relationships in the future because you already know a lot about male thinking.

If a guy invites you to watch football on TV with him instead of a romantic dinner, you probably won’t lose your temper. For other girls who don't have an older brother, this could be the end of the world.

4. Do you know what you would be like if you were a man?

Probably every girl has thought about this at least once, and only those who have an older brother know about it for sure.

5. You have someone fun to hang out with on your family vacation.

Not to mention, you always get to choose your seat on the bus.

6. Big brother will always tell you the truth

When you want to be supported and told that you are the best, no matter what, you go to your parents. But when you need an honest opinion on something, it's best to turn to your brother.

7. But at the same time, your older brother will be the first to compliment you when you look irresistible.

When you're getting ready for a date, you may need an outside perspective.

8. Your older brother will warn you against quarreling with your parents, because he has already been in similar situations himself.

Thanks to your brother's advice, you know what you can say to your parents and what will inevitably lead to a quarrel. He experienced this first hand.

9. Your older brother will defend you to your parents.

At the same time, he may say that you bring him nothing but trouble, but when necessary, his brother will take your side.

10. Big brother will always help you carry heavy bags

With it, any trip or trip to the store will not be a burden to you.

11. You always have someone to “cry into your vest”

Although he may say that he hates when girls cry (and this may indeed be true), he will always listen to you if you need it.

12. You can always get sincere advice from your older brother.

When your brother advises you something, you understand that he is telling you this sincerely, not out of envy or jealousy.

13. You have someone to be proud of

When your brother succeeds in something, you feel proud of him and brag to your friends. In many ways, your older brother becomes your role model.

14. Big brother always protects you, no matter the situation or place

Younger sisters often hear from their brothers that they are ready to punish anyone who offends their sister. And even when a brother lives his own life, he is ready to come to you even in the middle of the night if something threatens you.

15. You can talk to your older brother all night long.

Many siblings have common topics that they can talk about all night. And this becomes a pleasant memory for life.

16. You have a best friend who is always there

In other words, the relationship between an older brother and a younger sister is something special. This relationship is full of tenderness and love. Often, even in adulthood, when everyone has their own family and their own life, brother and sister remain best friends and support each other in everything.

Rate this publication

Guys, we put our soul into the site. Thank you for that
that you are discovering this beauty. Thanks for the inspiration and goosebumps.
Join us on Facebook And In contact with

Siblings make us smarter, relieve our stress, improve our mental health and generally make our lives better. Such positive effects have been studied in detail and proven by scientists. So, no matter how much your brothers or sisters may annoy you at times, say thank you.

And at this time website will tell you about 10 amazing things that scientists have discovered about brothers and sisters.

1. Younger people live longer than older ones and have a lighter character

Having a sister, whether younger or older, protects you from feelings of loneliness, guilt, fear and depression, says a Brigham Young University study. Lead study author Laura Padilla-Walker said: “A sibling is a powerful protective factor for our nervous system. Especially during adolescence."

4. Boys who have a sister tend to flirt with girls all the time.

Jeffrey Kluger, in his book The Brother Effect, described several studies that examined how people behave during speed dating. During the experiments, it was found that most men who grew up with sisters communicate much better with the opposite sex compared to those who grew up with brothers or were the only child in the family.

They also found out something about women who have brothers. As Kluger writes, “most girls were less serious and more open in their interactions with the opposite sex.”

5. Older children are more likely to develop allergies.

This is especially true for food allergies. The Japanese Medical Center conducted a study in which 13 thousand children aged 7 to 15 years were surveyed. It turned out that older siblings were more likely to suffer from food allergies, conjunctivitis and respiratory problems than younger ones.

6. 70% of fathers and 65% of mothers often give preference to only one of their children

No, this does not mean that one child is loved more than the other. But parents, in principle, cannot treat their children the same. For example, older children receive privileges and freedom that younger ones do not receive, and younger children receive indulgences that are not available to older ones.

In addition, one of the children usually fulfills the dreams and aspirations of the father, which can earn his favor. And the other is the mother.

7. Older brothers have higher IQs than younger brothers.

It may sound unfair, but children who are born first tend to have a significant intellectual advantage.

As scientists suggest, this is all due to the fact that older brothers and sisters often spend time teaching younger ones, thereby strengthening their own knowledge.

However, there is another study that suggests that many younger children reach the same IQ level as older children when they reach the age of 12.