How to get rid of emotional dependence. Emotional Dependency: The Dangers of Close Friendships

I can't live without him because I love him! You've probably heard this phrase many times in movies, and perhaps you've said it yourself. In fact, this is how many people understand the real ones and at the same time are very mistaken.

This is not love, but dependence - emotional in the first place. She replaces herself and disguises herself quite well as them, but has one serious difference. Love is bright, creative freedom. It is always reciprocal, because it grows only in relationships, it does not give torment.

Unrequited love is a misnomer. There is no such thing in our world. If a relationship causes suffering, then - emotional, material or other nature - this does not change the essence.

Addiction is a substitute for love

Most often this manifests itself in relationships between a man and a woman. We are all looking for love, it is vital for us to experience it with a loved one. But this happens with a healthy person. If a person has an unhealed psychological wound, a hole in his emotional field, he will passionately need love, but will not be able to experience it. All he can do is find an object that will feed him with the necessary vital energy.

What is characteristic: the thirst for this love or energy (call it what you want) will never fade away. It’s as if there really is a gaping hole in a person’s soul through which the feeling flows, and he greedily grabs at its source, demanding more and more. This is what is called “emotional dependence”. Your relationship is sick and doomed until you can heal yourself.

Manifestation of dependence in relationships

If you want, you will find a large number of examples around you. The constant concentration of thoughts on the “beloved” person is precisely that notorious addiction. Emotional first of all, because from now on these feelings determine the life of the addict, his relationships with other people, performance, emotional and physical state.

The entire life of an addict is in these relationships. It would seem that the object of such “love” should be happy. It happens, but then you can give an example: young people decide to live together, while the girl devotes herself entirely to her chosen one, puts aside all dreams and plans for this, works and provides for her family while he receives a prestigious education and builds a career, and then... he leaves her.

What are the reasons

Why is this happening? Because a person should not have rushed into a relationship, but gone to a psychological help center. Instead, he, feeling that he is unhappy alone, pins his hopes for happiness on this relationship.

How could it be otherwise, because all mental suffering and all complexes disappear under one glance of a loved one! At first, it seems like this is happening. But this is just an illusion, which, unfortunately, does not last long. Gradually, conflicts and misunderstandings begin, dissatisfaction with the partner and with oneself.

A person, without realizing it, suffers more and more, and this inevitably leads to the collapse of relationships, separation and even greater pain. And there may be a new relationship ahead, into which a person will rush with even greater zeal, believing that he has finally found the one. It is not difficult to assume that the result is quite predictable.

Why is this happening

What is the essence of this phenomenon? Dependent behavior is primarily an attempt to compensate for one’s own inferiority. The meaning of such a relationship is that a dependent person is trying to fill the emptiness within himself with a partner. Moreover, this emptiness is quite scary. It manifests itself as endless cold, as excruciating discomfort, the filling of which is a matter of life and death.

A good psychological help center is what a person needs in such cases, but instead he continues desperate attempts to find a soul mate and become happy.

The roots of psychological dependence

The reasons for building “sick” relationships are given above, but this phenomenon has origins. To understand the reasons, you need to go back to deep childhood. When a baby is born, he is in a dependent relationship with his mother. Ideally, they do not feel separate from each other. This guarantees the child care, a sense of trust and protection. If a person goes through this stage normally - he receives a sufficient amount of love - he will be open to the world and normal relationship. If the mother was distant and gave the child little love, he grows up with an eternal thirst for it, which will be reflected in dependent relationships.

Second important stage falls on the age of 18-36 months. Now main task the child is separation, becoming an individual. He tries to do everything himself and must hear “yes” much more often than “no.” The parent must provide security, but not interfere with the exploration of the world. The child must feel that he himself is valuable and the fruits of his activities are also valuable.

It is now that the opportunity is born to feel complete and to enter into deep, emotional contact. If development went wrong, if the child’s activity was suppressed, he was scolded, he was overprotected, then he will get bogged down in dependent relationships, the whole world will be poisoned by fear and mistrust.

Development does not end there, that is, the wounds received can be healed, but the older we get, the less chance that this will happen. If a person’s need to receive love, acceptance and care was not satisfied in childhood, then he will continue to “stick” to relationships with other people. The basis of dependent relationships is fear of life, self-doubt, feelings of inferiority, and increased anxiety.

How dependent relationships are built

These relationships are a separate topic that can become material for an entire dissertation. Dependent behavior is manifested in the fact that a person is ready to endure anything, just not to be rejected and not to be left alone.

As already mentioned, love in dependent relationships is a way to compensate for one’s own insufficiency. The partner is an object that is designed to complement her into a holistic Self. As you can see, such relationships are doomed to failure. The psychological state of both partners will only worsen, although secondary benefits can preserve the relationship for quite a long time.

Developing such relationships

In fact, dependent relationships are very limited; in them, the psychological territory of one person is completely dissolved in the psychological territory of another. His “self” and sovereignty disappear, he stops living his own life, completely dissolving in the life of his partner.

However psychological condition under such conditions it can only get worse. The task of filling oneself with another person is impossible, since internal integrity is achieved only as a result of the development of internal resources. Dependency is putting another person in the place of God. However, creating an idol and serving it until self-oblivion does not eliminate one’s own insufficiency. Addiction is a denial of oneself.

Different scenarios of dependent relationships

There are quite a lot of scenarios according to which the described relationships develop. We are all very different, and everyone is trying to get their own benefit. The more emotional person, the more passionately he throws himself into such a relationship and the faster he burns out. More restrained people, on the contrary, will test their strength, hesitate, but as a result they will still not be able to take out of them what they need.

Let's look at the main scenarios for dependent relationships, none of which have room for true intimacy, responsibility and love. Emotional Features people determine which option they will choose:

1. Reflection in a partner. The benefit of the dependent person here is obvious: he chooses for himself a partner who will constantly show him that he is extraordinary. It is difficult to say who loses more in this relationship. A dependent person will constantly demand that his chosen one express his love, satisfy his desires, and achieve his favor every day. That is, he condemns him to constantly prove that he is better than others and worthy of love. As soon as a partner gets tired of serving as a mirror, the relationship falls apart.
2. Giving up one's own sovereignty. This is the dissolution of one's world into someone else's. The feeling of affection in this case is so great that the person lives in the interests of his chosen one. All responsibility for life is transferred to him, and at the same time for desires, goals and aspirations. That is, the addict plays the role of a child. Moreover, the more emotional child, the more difficult it will be to build such relationships.
3. There may also be the opposite situation, when a dependent person seeks to absorb his partner, deprive him of sovereignty, and subjugate him. An emotionally strong-willed person in this case plays the role of a parent. He guides him based on the idea: “He can’t handle it on his own, I know better what’s best for him.”
4. Absolute possession and destruction of the psychological territory of the object of love. That is, in this case, a partner for an addicted person is perceived as a thing, and complete ownership of him allows him to feel strong and significant. Moreover, responsibility for the life of a partner is declared, but not carried out, they are simply used. On it you can test your own ability to rule.

Main symptoms of emotional dependence

Only at first glance, strong attachment (read - dependence) is a synonym for love. In fact, these are destructive relationships that you need to be able to see. How to discern addiction behind its many masks? First of all, in this case, partners often conflict, sort things out, and quarrel. At the same time, the dependent partner strives to maintain this relationship at any cost. Despite insults, humiliation, beatings, jealousy and betrayal, he will find hundreds of reasons for himself to stay together.

It is noteworthy that the addict constantly strives to save his partner, to change him for the better. This can be most clearly observed in the example of a chronic alcoholic and his wife. At the same time, the addict refuses to perceive reality; he continues to be in the illusion that everything will work out. For him, the whole world narrows down to a single object, he stops communicating with friends, stops doing what he loves.

Internal changes depend on how emotional personality. But most often his mood changes to depressed and depressed. He becomes more and more convinced of his own unattractiveness, self-esteem falls before his eyes. The addict tends to hide problems in his relationship with his partner from others.

Moreover, he can simultaneously earn for himself one or more types of addiction. It won't necessarily be alcohol or drugs - some will become a shopaholic, others will become addicted to sweets. Finally, the list of symptoms completes the disorder physical health. This is a sleep disorder and digestive disorder, skin diseases and psychosomatic diseases.

How to get rid of emotional addiction

A qualified psychologist can help you get out of this situation. If you live in Moscow, you can contact the Gestalt center, where they are waiting for you the best specialists in your area.

In fact, any therapy is an appeal to oneself, a return to the roots, to early childhood, to heal yourself with the power of love, which was not enough then. This is what the psychologist will suggest to you.

The next step is very important - to admit the existence of dependence. One sign of this is her complete denial. Until you stop and face her, you will be doomed to spend your whole life running from her, pretending that you simply don’t see her. Only after this can you move on to a new stage, to studying yourself, to deepening contact with yourself, feeling own desires, long ago atrophied and forgotten, their feelings, needs and boundaries. Now it becomes possible to work with self-esteem and the ability to accept oneself.

Experience strong emotions in addicted people it is usually blocked. Often we fall into addiction precisely when we are unable to accept our anxiety and fear, shame and guilt.

Suppressing feelings is unfreedom, and you already know where this path leads. Therefore, an important direction in working with a psychologist is the gradual discovery of the entire spectrum of feelings. You need to allow yourself to live them, feel them, and change with them. From here another path opens - taking responsibility for your life. And this is at the same time a refusal of responsibility for the lives of other people, for their fate and decisions. This is the only way to set healthy boundaries in a relationship. This immediately resolves great amount problems, conflicts, grievances and pressure.

Deep Level of Healing

When all the previous steps are completed, the opportunity to move on to a new level will open. A psychologist will help you regain your ability to feel vulnerability and affection, the need for intimacy. Liberating the inner child is a long and difficult process. Usually, in order to complete this process, it is necessary to work through the consequences psychological trauma. Working with a traumatic experience is the need to mourn and say goodbye to unfulfilled childhood happiness, to those dreams that remained unfulfilled. As a result of such grief, we grow up.

Finally, the last task remains - to learn constructive communication without manipulation. We need to learn to accept ourselves and others, to withstand reality and its discrepancy with our expectations, to accept own emotions, accept and share responsibility. And at the same time stay in touch with your inner child. Psychological help will be invaluable for learning new skills.

Emotional dependence on a relationship with another person can be redirected from one partner to another. They say, “Wedges are knocked out with wedges,” in my opinion, this is about dependent relationships. There is an idea that in order to quickly forget one partner, you need to meet another. From my observations, this really works; you can forget about your partner and get carried away by someone else. But what's sad is emotional dependence yet it doesn’t go anywhere.

Emotional dependence is dependence on a relationship with another person. Emotional dependence can be very difficult to recognize, as its presence is often confused with strong loving feelings. Culture intensively plays with the images of those who loved and died on the same day or who suffered in the name of true love, and thereby elevates psychological deviation to the rank of norm. In science, a person who cannot live without another person is called a child (or disabled person). However, in the eyes of most of the globe, the experience of one person who cannot live without another is called love. I have repeatedly heard the phrases: “If I didn’t love, I wouldn’t worry so much” or “I suffer because I love.” Suffering, the inability to be oneself or to be happy without another, sometimes completely abstract “person who would love me” or “a person who would be next to me,” are inextricably linked with love. Many people live in unsatisfactory, destructive relationships, believing that this is how it should be - “so that strong feelings and it’s impossible to be without each other for a long time” - and not understanding that it could be different.

healthy, harmonious personality capable of creating relationships with many other individuals. This is due to the fact that “a person’s central motivation is the internal need to achieve rich, complex and passionate relationships with himself, parents, peers, community, animals, nature, the environment and the spiritual world” (L. Marcher, Danish psychotherapist). A self-sufficient person is it's not someone who doesn't experience emotional experiences and the need to form close relationships with other people. This is the one who is not destroyed by them, who does not make another person the guarantee of his happiness or unhappiness.

Signs of emotional dependence:

1. Happiness is possible only if there is a relationship and another person who loves or who is nearby;

2. Love and friendship are impossible without complete dissolution in each other, without completely surrendering life to the disposal of another person;

3. Relationships become destructive, accompanied by intense jealousy, numerous severe conflicts, a constant threat of rupture, but it does not reach a real, final rupture;

4. Relationships are difficult, without relationships it is impossible;

5. The absence of a relationship, an object of love/affection, or the thought of absence causes severe pain, fear, depression, apathy, despair;

6. It is impossible to break off a relationship on your own: “Until he leaves me on his own, we will not be able to part.”

Relationships in which there is emotional dependence are always very tense, conflicting, difficult relationship. This is due to the fact that if one person is so significant for another person that all of his “good”, all of his well-being, all of his happiness depends on him, then all of his “bad”, all of his misfortunes also depend entirely on the other person . There is no need to delude yourself on this score. Love coupled with emotional dependence is always associated with hatred in the end, since the hunger of an emotionally dependent person cannot be satisfied.

Another feeling that always accompanies dependent relationships is resentment. Resentment is a feeling of victimhood, a feeling that is born when a person cannot express his primary feelings - anger and pain and adequately respond to another person causing him pain.

The development of a tendency toward emotional (and any other) dependence occurs during infancy, from one month to one and a half years. During this period, the child develops an idea of ​​how his interaction with the outside world works (and will work in the future). He forms an idea about whether the world (at that time in the person of mom and dad) hears him or not, whether it satisfies his needs for security, nutrition, bodily comfort, communication, acceptance, love or does not satisfy, and if it does, then to what extent, how completely. Developmental disorders in this period give rise to a person’s feeling of “hunger” for relationships, for love, for affection, for emotional and physical intimacy. Such a person is in constant search " ideal parent", a person who would compensate him for what he once did not receive: unconditional love, unconditional acceptance, reading his needs without saying them out loud, immediately satisfying his needs - and would satiate him with your love. Of course, it is impossible to obtain it in this form. There is only one period in life when our needs can be satisfied in this way. in an ideal way- this is childhood. Not being able to receive this from another person creates intense anger, pain and despair. And again, the hope that someday someone will love us so much that he will understand perfectly everything we want and do it for us, will be with us all the time and will always be within reach of contact.

Dealing with emotional addiction

1. Working with emotional dependence consists of constantly separating yourself from the object of dependence, from constantly turning to yourself with questions: “what? I I want that to me do you need?", "Does the other person want it or do I want it?", "What exactly do I need?", "How do I understand whether I am getting something or not getting it?", "By what signs will I understand that I am loved and do they accept? An emotionally dependent person needs to learn to distinguish between his feelings and the feelings of another person, his own and other people's needs. It is important to understand that you and your subject are not the same thing, you cannot and should not mandatory experience the same feelings, have the same desires. This type of relationship is needed between mother and child, so that the mother understands and satisfies the needs of the baby until he can talk about them himself. But for adults, this type of relationship is a dead end; it does not provide the development that occurs when differences come into contact. Work with emotional dependence should be constantly aimed at distinguishing oneself from another person: “Here I am, and here he is. Here we are similar, and here we are different. I can have my feelings, my desires, and he can have his, and this is not a threat to our intimacy. We don’t have to give up relationships, contacts, in order to satisfy our various desires.”

2. Important point- this is recognizing your own needs and desires and finding ways to satisfy them outside of your partner. Receiving love and support is not only possible from one person. The more sources of obtaining them, the less burden falls on the partner. The more a person is independent in meeting his needs, the less he depends on another person.

3. It is important to remember that the source of love and acceptance can be not only external, but also internal. The more such sources you find, the less you will depend on the people around you and their acceptance or rejection of you. Look for what nourishes, supports, inspires and develops you. These can be spiritual values, interests, hobbies, hobbies, personal qualities and personal characteristics, and own body, feelings, sensations.

4. Notice moments when you are loved and supported, even if these are small signs of attention. Say to yourself that at this moment you are seen, heard, accepted. And be sure to contact the body and physical sensations, since the period of formation of a tendency to addiction is infancy, the period of dominance of the body and its needs. It is through skin-to-skin contact with the mother and other close people, through nutrition and bodily comfort, the child understands that he is loved and is the first to learn to recognize his bodily needs. At the moment when you receive love and support from others, turn your attention to the body, notice how the body reacts to it, where and how in the body you feel that you are loved, what those sensations are. Remember them and turn to them at the moment when you need it, without involving other people.

5. Learn to face the fact that other people cannot be with you all the time, cannot recognize without words what you want or do not want, cannot express their love all the time. Each person has his own rhythm of intimacy and alienation, activity and peace, communication and solitude, giving and receiving. Having their own rhythm, and periodically leaving close contact, they do not stop loving you less and do not become bad. The most prosperous child faces loving family(not to mention the world around him) with the fact that not all his needs can be satisfied, or satisfied immediately, or in the form in which he wants. This is truly impossible. You can regret this, be sad, but you don’t have to be destroyed by it.

6. Imagine what would happen if you lost your external source emotional well-being- partner (friend, group of friends or like-minded people). It will probably be painful, unbearable, bitter, scary, difficult. Try to get through it. It's not easy, but it's your experience, your life. Rely on the resources that I talked about in points 3 and 4. Remember the period when this person was not yet in your life. You lived without him, although perhaps it was difficult for you. Nevertheless, life went on as usual.

7. What is the most beautiful thing about your relationship with another person (or maybe in a relationship with another person)? Describe this in as much detail as possible. What do you need most from him? Describe this feeling or ideal condition. Remember it or recreate it. Try to feel it with your whole body. Where in your body does it originate? Remember this place and these feelings. Stay in this state for some time. Then think about other ways you can get it in your life.

Addiction is an attempt to live off someone else's resources (or substances). The best medicine from addiction is to live your life.

(c) Elena Sultanova, consultant psychologist, trauma therapist, trainer
Source

Emotional dependence is negative behavior pattern which leads to serious personality disorders.

This condition has characteristic symptoms.

How to interest a girl or guy by correspondence? Find out about this from ours.

Concept and types

What it is?

Emotional addiction is a state of expressed psychological dependence from another person, whose opinion and words completely determine emotional condition the subject himself.

Similar unhealthy attachment leads to the fact that a person is completely immersed in a relationship with the subject whom he has chosen as a “deity” and ceases to live his own life.

There are several options for emotional dependence.

From a person

If there is a strong attachment to another person, this other person is appointed as an “idol” that must be worshiped.

All words, deeds, actions of this person are standard. They completely determine the views of the victim of emotional dependence, her behavior, and desires.

As a result, completely the identity of the person himself is lost. He ceases to objectively evaluate himself as an independent subject. There is a merger with one’s “deity”, whose life and interests come to the fore.

From approval

A person can be dependent not only on the opinion of a specific object, but also on public opinion generally.

Desire to make a positive impression on others win approval These are typical traits of an emotionally dependent personality.

Such a person may initially choose a type of activity that is inappropriate for him, take on many extraneous responsibilities, forget about own plans and desires for the sake of other people's interests, etc.

Often such individuals do what no one demanded or even expected of them out of a desire to please and impress. Moreover, they act in a similar way not only among acquaintances, friends or colleagues, but also among complete strangers.

The desire to win the approval of others most often is based on the following aspirations:

• avoid loneliness;
• become in demand;
• fill the emptiness in your soul with emotions received from other people.

Main danger similar behavior lies in the fact that self-esteem is based not on one’s own ideas about oneself, but on the opinions and attitudes of other people.

From relationships

People who are in love relationships, always depend on each other to some extent.

But when one of the partners becomes emotionally attached, the relationship ceases to be healthy.

A person suffering from a relationship makes her partner the meaning of her life.

There is a constant need for communication, attention, telephone conversations etc. If the object of attachment becomes unavailable for any reason, a feeling of fear appears.

A person in , does not feel the fullness of life without his partner and does not feel complete. Ultimately this kind of thinking harms not only him, but also the object of his passion.

The second member of the couple bears the burden of responsibility for the happiness and tranquility of his dependent partner. He is forced to constantly be in touch, control his emotions, answer endless questions, etc.

Causes

The main reasons why emotional attachment occurs:

How to get away from emotional attachment?

Because the similar condition is negative it is important to find ways out of it.

Treatment methods

Reach effective results possible using the following auto-training techniques:

If you cannot resolve the issue yourself using these methods, you should seek help from specialists.

In particular severe cases emotional dependencies can lead to serious depressive states that pose a danger to human health and life.

If necessary, the psychotherapist develops a treatment program that includes not only sessions, but also the prescription of antidepressants and tranquilizers.

“Drying” technique

You can eliminate the dependency using drying technique. Its use allows you to break the connection with the object of attachment.

It is necessary to retire to a quiet place and carefully consider the connection that exists with another person. You can try to visualize the image of this connection.

How does she look? Where does it start? What emotions does it evoke?

The answers to all these questions will allow understand true feelings, which the object of affection causes.

Then you should imagine that the connection is abruptly interrupted. More likely, similar image will cause a feeling of discomfort. After this, it is important to identify the purpose of the communication. What does this connection provide?

Next you need imagine yourself from the position of “Super Self”. This is an improved version of the personality, which contains all the desired traits of the “idol”. It is important to feel this version of yourself and realize the possibility of its existence.

Now you need to re-imagine the break in the connection and instantly replace it with new connection- with your “Super Ego”. As a result, it appears new object, which you can rely on.

It is important to feel gratitude for the connection left and imagine that part of it goes to the past object of affection. This will allow him to achieve the “Super Ego” state. In the end, the break will be a good thing for both parties.

Last step - integration. Here there is a merger with its improved version, a transition to new level self-perception.

How to get rid of addiction?

Methods of getting rid of addiction are universal for men and women, but there are some differences taking into account the characteristics of the psychology of the sexes.

From a man

Women by nature created for families and children.

For this reason, they consider any relationship with a man from the point of view of starting a family in the future.

The increased emotionality of most women, their need for love and care often leads to strong attachment to the chosen one.

How to break emotional connection with a man or husband? You can get rid of it as follows:

1. Remove responsibility from the man. It is important to realize that a man is not a source of stability and confidence.

   He is only a partner who complements the life of the original integral, versatile woman.

2. Get rid of fears. Constantly important (achievements, hobbies, self-care). Then the fear of losing a man will be replaced by calmness and self-confidence.
3. Avoid negative expectations. Often past negative experience interferes with building full-fledged relationship in future. Should be blocked bad thoughts and don’t overthink the situation.

From a woman

Men, unlike women, are more focused on external achievements (career success, material goods etc.). Therefore, most often those men find themselves in emotional dependence who have not achieved much success.

Because of their insolvency they don't feel confident, they are afraid of losing their partner. How to get out of emotional dependence on a woman?

Options to solve the problem:

Thus, it is possible to get rid of emotional dependence. It's important to realize that existing relationships carry negativity and take steps to change the situation.

Emotional dependence in relationships - advice from a professional psychologist:

Emotional dependence is a type of relationship that is not built on love and respect, but on constant feeding of the partner’s feelings. Receiving each other's emotions is as necessary for such couples as it is for a drug addict to take a dose on time.

Each of us can remember such acquaintances, or even see it in ourselves, who either hate or fanatically adore each other. In their free time from love, they constantly complain to their friends about their partner’s shortcomings. They complain, but don't leave. Sacredly believing that by your actions you can tune another person to the desired wave. However, these are clinical cases that can end very sadly. In a small percentage, almost everyone has such an addiction. It is expressed even in such “little things” as imposing one’s way of life as the only correct one. You can find out an article from psychologist Svetlana Ananina “ »

I know how to do it!

Indeed, why are we firmly convinced that our position is the ideal one? Why, for example, are we sure that we should eat porridge in the morning, and meat not before lunch? Or vice versa, in the morning you need to eat thoroughly. After school it is mandatory to go to college. No, it’s right to immediately go to work and be financially independent. We can accept and, moreover, respect other people's opinions, but to be honest, for ourselves, we are always right.

Where do all these truths come from? Psychologist Ksenia Gzoim explains that all these life principles are just attitudes and patterns that we received in childhood, and successfully pumped into adult life. Yes, nothing new, everything comes from childhood, and whether a person will be dependent on relationships in the future is in the hands of his parents.

“If you don’t finish eating now, mom will be upset, mom’s heart will hurt because you are behaving badly” - these are the seeds from which emotional dependence sprouts. Certain strategies are being instilled. It turns out that someone depends on how another person feels. How can a little baby who is five years old know that this is not true? How can he determine whether mom’s heart hurts or not? And if it hurts, it’s because of it specifically or for other reasons. He doesn't try, he just believes. Every child unconditionally trusts his parents. Since mom and dad said so, it means it’s true. From this moment on, it begins to be put aside for him as a kind of template, as an attitude in a relationship. This attitude is emotional dependence.

Templates for the subconscious

Gradually the child begins to accumulate his life experience, observe how relationships are built in his family and acquire new attitudes. If parents say: “If you don’t know how to cook, no one will love you, or that only people with higher education achieve success” - all this is deposited in the subconscious in the form of life guidelines. Children do not yet know how to collect and analyze information and do not know how other families live. Therefore, it seems to them that, as is the case in their home, this is what happens in the rest of the world.

When a person grows up, these patterns are already so ingrained in him that they become part of his personality. Penetrated into his worldview. And this is the most important thing. It seems to him that these inoculations of upbringing are himself. Such a person can say as much as he wants what he should and shouldn’t do, and what it will lead to, but he will only brush it off, confident in the correctness of his actions. He believes that this is who he is, but in fact these are his habits. This is how he was taught as a child. Was affected limbic system brain*, which, among other things, plays an important role in learning. Roughly speaking, the man was trained like a dog.

Presentation for a partner

Having reached adulthood, he begins to put his patterns into practice. Including in personal relationships. When meeting someone, due to the desire to please, a more advantageous part of the personality is presented. Some beautiful sign. It is chosen naturally, based on instilled beliefs. Anyone who is sure that he should keep his opinion to himself will step on the throat of his own song, out of fear of being rejected. And all because his parents once inspired him that he did not understand anything and “listen to what we tell you.” Previously child I adjusted to mom and dad as significant adults, but now the partner plays the role of the “big” person. If the presentation went well and the patterns matched, the man and woman continue to communicate. Those who are in love with each other's qualities open up tempting prospects for a joint future.

The real side

But the closer the couple gets together, the more the real side comes out. People become who they really are. Every person has an inner “I”. The real essence cannot be knocked out by any attitudes. As they get closer, a woman and a man show each other their true nature. Because no one can act according to a template 24 hours a day. Including, not the most open best sides. And as he says Ksenia Gzoim - This is fine. Man is built on the principle of a battery; it has a plus and a minus. Depending on the situation, different personality poles appear. It is impossible to be constantly bad or good. Although many are trying. This is a direct route to an appointment with a psychologist.

The only catch in such a relationship is that they liked each other precisely because of their attitudes. One was satisfied with the compliance of his partner, and the other was satisfied with the status of a successful careerist. And with the newly discovered facets of the personality, the chosen one, it is not clear how to contact. During this stage, many new and unexpected events occur. For example, an always compliant person may become hysterical out of nowhere. Even because of three spoons of sugar in coffee, instead of two. “How could you forget,” shouts the offended party. Another doesn’t understand why there is so much emotion over a trifle. Of course, it's not all about the coffee.

Psychological carousel or I need to punish you

Noticing something wrong, each of the couple believes that if the person seemed different to him at first, then this image can be returned. You just need to do something. At this moment, the trap slams shut, and they fall into a vicious circle called emotional dependence. Dancing on feelings begins; if I do this, then he responds by doing this. When I see his behavior, I react in this way. There is a fixation on one's reactions. Each of them has their own attitude, which is sacredly observed. If a partner violates accepted rules, he should be punished. All this happens unconsciously. Everyone is one hundred percent sure that they are right. They were raised that way, which means it’s true. It happens that, out of a feeling of guilt, a partner returns the behavior that his half likes. But he cannot stay there forever. This means that his actions will again upset the other party. Punishment, as usual, will not be long in coming, followed by a feeling of guilt. Over and over again, they spin the psychological carousel.

Being in constant stress, a person thinks about his every step and is afraid to give new reason for a scandal. But this is in vain, because in this state of affairs, there will always be a reason for a scandal.

Fantasy world

Another indicator of emotional dependence is thinking for your partner. Each participant in the relationship knows in advance how his chosen one will behave. With the gift of clairvoyance suddenly revealed, a person “sees” what awaits them in the future. Statements by the second half can be supplemented with new words. “He didn’t say it, but he thought it, but he’s afraid to say it out loud,” this is what mystical thinking tells people. The fulcrum is past experience and information received from outside. For example, many women like to look for the answer to the question - how to be happy in a relationship. female forms. Taking a piece from everything, the “predictor” finds himself in a fantasy world of the supposed development of events. While in it, he spends all his energy on coming up with “cunning” moves to return harmony to relationships. Relying, naturally, on the picture of reality he created. It is very difficult to return such a person to reality.

Of course, this condition brings suffering. But they are familiar and understandable. The new line of behavior and view of reality is frightening and upsetting. In this case, you will have to face unpleasant facts. For example, that the partner is not at all what he seemed. It was just a stereotyped appearance. Something will have to be done and decided about this, and this is more difficult than running in circles. The unknown is scary. Plus, to change the situation you need to make efforts. In suffering, everything is simple and clear; all of them are solely the fault of the partner.

Problem of two

What to do? And how to get rid of addiction? First, admit your mistakes and turn off the victim syndrome. The task is not simple, but feasible. The success of the process depends on internal development personality.

When starting the healing process, you should remember that there are always two people who are emotionally dependent. That’s why they are relationships; you can’t participate in them alone. If one partner has pronounced patterns of dependence, and the other is more adequate, then such a relationship will quickly fall apart. Because the conventionally normal side will not allow one’s emotions to be exploited. Instead, there is an open conversation, which is very scary

the other side. Emotionally dependent, they are afraid of direct conversations, they prefer manipulation. Nobody taught them how to solve problems through honest dialogue. Here is another way to get rid of addiction - kill it with the truth.

It happens that one in a couple is dependent, and the other struggles with his illness, thereby becoming counter-dependent. But even in this case, he, like his partner, gets carried away in vicious circle Not healthy relationships. One way or another, emotional dependence is always a problem of two.

Feeling of loss

As a rule, in most of these couples there is no need to talk about love. In the beginning there is love, and then the emotional fuss begins. It is she who brings suffering, and not love itself, as people think. Love is a bright and positive feeling aimed at creation, not destruction. loving person able to let go, emotionally dependent clings to relationships by everyone possible ways. He can do this even after breaking up.

“He left me - such phrases can often be heard from both men and women. Although, if you think about it, it will become obvious that you cannot abandon an adult and capable person. You can only get away from it. In the very formulation of this phrase there is hidden psychological problem. Language very clearly reflects the type of thinking. Threw - this is an installation. The person actually thinks and feels that he has been abandoned. There was someone nearby, big and great, into whom they “pushed” a lot of significance. Against the background of his importance, the other partner seems weak and helpless. According to the description, this is a child-adult relationship. The adult left, but I, the “child,” remained. A child cannot survive without an adult. Likewise, it seems to the “abandoned” that he has no future without the lover who left him. His feelings correspond to the hysterics of a baby left without attention. The only difference is that the adult is free in his movements. For example, he can go to a bar and drown out his sadness with alcohol.

Such people feel inner emptiness. This happens because it seems to them that the other person has qualities and functions without which successful life impossible. Naturally this is not true. It is possible that some functions were actually performed by one participant in the relationship, and with a breakup, the loss of these functions is perceived as a huge loss. How he lived before the fateful meeting,

“left to the mercy of fate”, happily forgets. There is a loss of connection with reality.

Stress as a way of life

However constant stress is harmful to the body, and any suffering must have its end. But not for the emotionally dependent. Such people can maintain their experiences for years. This happens because a person has found a positive side in the role of a victim. For example, having stopped suffering, you will have to face the real picture own life and start solving problems to improve it. And while you are suffering, there is a reason to do nothing. It's the fear of facing what comes next.

Rescue of drowning people

But let's return to the issue of healing. The answer to how to get rid of emotional addiction is the same as with other types of addiction - the person himself must want to overcome it. Outside interventions are useless. Moreover, in such situations, the opposite principle works; how more than a person you try to save him, the more comfortable he is with his problem. But as soon as he realizes that there is nowhere to wait for help, the brain begins to work actively, and at least the addict stops aggravating the situation.

As for emotional dependence, here two must work as a single organism. Unless, of course, they value their relationship. One person cannot change the situation. He may leave, but since he has no experience in building healthy relationships, there is a high probability of repeating old mistakes. It is impossible to get such an experience without a partner. A person has acquired patterns in relationships with parents, and he can also get rid of them through relationships, only with a partner. If it doesn't work without outside help, you should not look for a recipe for happiness in dubious sources. It is better to seek help from a specialist. Acquiring a new model of relationships through psychological therapy is the work of psychologists, not philosophers from forums.

Advice from the Author: The main thing in our life is love; without it, any relationship is not healthy. Therefore, look for a person in your partner, and do not be deluded by his skills and functions. Build your happiness on truth and mutual respect.

Limbic system* - (from Latin limbus - border, edge) - a combination of a number of brain structures. Envelops top part brain stem, as ifbelt, and forms its edge (limb). Participates in the regulation of functions internal organs, smell, automatic regulation, emotions, memory, sleep, wakefulness and others. Receiving information about the external and internal environment of the body, the limbic system triggers vegetative and somatic reactions that ensure adequate adaptation of the body to the external environment.

Emotional dependence in psychology is considered as an unhealthy attachment to another person, manifested by a strong emotional reaction to all forms of contact with the object of dependence. In dependent relationships, a person experiences contrasting changes in emotions from brightly positive (euphoria, admiration, happiness) to sharply negative (jealousy, anger, resentment, anger).

In such relationships there always comes a time when negative emotions begin to prevail, but getting rid of painful relationships seems impossible to an addicted person. All areas of life fade into the background for him, giving way to unhealthy relationships. It may be impossible to free yourself from addiction on your own. An abrupt breakup can lead a person to severe depression and even suicidal thoughts. Only a professional psychologist can provide assistance in this case.

How does emotional dependence occur?

Psychologists assure that the causes of emotional dependence should always be sought in childhood. People who were actually rejected by their parents are especially prone to this form of interaction. At the same time, it is not at all necessary that the mother or father abandon the child - it is enough not to show interest, not pay due attention and ignore his requests in order to grossly disrupt emotional contact. Further, in the process of upbringing, the child strives to earn the love of his parents by “good” deeds, suppressing his desires and interests.

Having experienced negative experiences in childhood, such people, already in adulthood, strive for maximum intimacy when building relationships, losing their own personality and following the interests of their partner. Most often, emotional dependence is established on a man or woman in a love relationship. Childhood fear being rejected forces a person to do everything to please his partner, losing freedom and not listening to his own desires.

Signs of addiction

Psychologists have found that emotional dependence in a relationship on a partner always develops according to one scenario and makes him codependent. This is the “rapist and victim” scenario. And it doesn’t necessarily happen in pairs physical violence. Often this is manifested by the high interest of one partner, against the background of indifference and coldness of the other. In addictive relationships, people experience a huge range of different emotions, which prevents them from fighting their addiction.

Characteristic signs of dependent relationships:

• obsessive feelings of jealousy, manifested by mistrust and hypercontrol;
• the desire to spend every minute with the object of addiction;
• development of apathy and depressive states during forced separation from a partner;
• lack of one’s own hobbies and interests in favor of another person’s life priorities;
• concentration of all plans for the future, hopes and expectations on the object of dependence;
• willingness to forgive and tolerate insults, betrayals, violence and other manifestations of sacrifice;
• lack of interest in work, friends and other areas of life.

How to get rid of emotional dependence?

Overcoming emotional dependence on a husband or wife does not just mean breaking up. Practice shows that a person prone to dependent relationships, will repeat the same scenario with each partner. Psychotherapy in this case is aimed at returning a person’s lost personality and self-love using the method of deep psychoanalysis. Only working through problems and childhood traumas helps you feel like an independent unit, worthy of love and respect.