How to stop hating your ex. Hatred for an ex-lover

Hello.
A year ago, she left with two small children from her husband, who implicitly (and sometimes explicitly) tyrannized her entire family life, 7 years old.
The situation worsened with the birth of a second child. From the very first day, the husband doubted that this was his child, "not similar." And the last year before the divorce, he regularly plagued me with conversations on the topic of "otherness." Plus, there were added conversations that “we don’t have enough money for four, think about how you will earn money,” although the family income was an order of magnitude higher than the average. The family seemed to be divided into him and me with the children on the other side.
All 7 years I endured these periods of moral bullying, boycotts (he could easily not talk to me for a day, two, three), there were periods of demonstrative behavior (slamming doors, waving his hands in front of his nose, his face twisted with rage so that I, 30-year-old, it became scary, let alone children).
Speaking of children. His duties began and ended with taking the eldest child to kindergarten in the morning. ALL. He never walked, did not get up at night, did not read books at night. When the second child was born, just after being discharged from the hospital, I rushed with the child to pick up the eldest from the kindergarten, take it to the section, to the speech therapist, as if nothing had changed, just another baby in my arms was added. My husband did not think that something was bad in our life or that something needed to be changed. He was more than satisfied with everything.
And she endured all this disgrace, because with one child it was already scary alone that she would not pull the child out alone. My husband understood this very well, and with the advent of the second he went "peddling" apparently, believing that now I'm not going anywhere for sure.
As a result, when, after another husband’s tantrum, I packed my things (all my own and children’s, I didn’t take furniture) and left with the children, the war began.
My husband called all my relatives, friends, whom he knew, he came. He wringed his hands, begged to help me return, knelt down, let out a tear. Some of those who saw these performances later told me briefly - "outplayed". So it was sometimes simulated and for show. Moreover, many were aware of our family life.
When this plan to return me failed, my husband abruptly changed his approach and sued me, allegedly I refused to let him communicate with the children. By the way, he did not even raise the issue of the maintenance of children. He is still not interested in what money and how I generally live.
There was a court, a completely absurd meeting agreement was signed, which the husband did not try to comply with.
In response, I filed for divorce and alimony, because. he flatly refused to pay the children. The motivation is "that's who you went to, let him support you. And the children too."
We were divorced. He pays alimony. The last two months is 3000 for both children. At the same time, a new car was bought from the salon, shirts, suits are bought. He does not give a penny from above to the children.
And I hate him, sometimes I hate him so much that I'm afraid not to restrain myself and just cripple him at the first opportunity.
It hurts me a lot for the children, for the fact that he abandoned them, betrayed them. He betrayed me. Once my 10-year-old father left me like that, history repeated itself.
The husband continues to demand that I give the children away for the weekend, although he absolutely does not need them.
Doesn't talk to me either through gritted teeth. It is impossible to agree on anything, there is no dialogue. And he doesn't even say hello.
His parents took his side, the mother-in-law was only worried that she would not sue her son's apartment, although it was absolute paranoia - the apartment was bought long before marriage with me. Such a grandmother - an apartment is more important than grandchildren. She has no other grandchildren. The ex-husband has no other children.
Help somehow cope with this hatred, sometimes it just tears me apart from the inside. I'm afraid to do something stupid.

Life is complicated. Sometimes it can be difficult to understand your feelings, because it is not always clear why they arise and how to get rid of them. And it also happens that relationships with others do not go well. How to stop hating people? Find answers below.

What is hate?

There are many negative feelings. Hatred is one of them. But what does she represent? Hatred is a feeling that arises in a person as a response to the behavior or personal qualities of others. Why does it arise? Most often, hatred settles in the soul when others do not. But it also happens that a treacherous feeling creeps in for absolutely no apparent reason. It can be provoked by some trifle.

How does hatred show up?

All people are different. They differ in upbringing, worldview and outlook on life. And it is not always possible to find a common language. In such situations, hatred creeps into the soul. How does it manifest itself? Most often in anger and aggression. A person begins to scream, swear, and sometimes do things that he later regrets. Revenge is one of the most common manifestations of hatred. A person can out of spite do very obscene things, such as falsifying documents, inciting other people, and even intentionally ruining life.

How to stop hating people? This is a difficult task. After all, hatred is a multifaceted feeling, and it can be difficult to overcome it in oneself. If a person is well brought up, then at least outwardly he will remain calm. After all, shouting and swearing has never helped solve problems. It is not difficult to remove the external symptoms of the manifestation of hatred, exercises in self-control will help here. But you should not be limited to eliminating the consequences, you always need to get to the bottom of the cause.

Who do people hate?

A person never experiences strong feelings just like that. After all, in order to hate someone, you need a good reason. Most often, the soul is hurt by loved ones. Here they are chosen as objects of hatred. Men and women can hate their former lovers. And it would seem strange that yesterday's object of adoration today is disgusting. But this happens all the time. People converge on the basis of closeness of spirit, and disperse due to misunderstanding or because they cannot fulfill their obligations.

Close relatives are often the object of hatred. Children may have conflicting feelings towards their parents. Why is this happening? Because the parents did not give tenderness and affection. Or maybe the child wanted to get an education in the field of economics, but it was decided for him that it was better to go to study as a doctor. Brothers may hate their sisters for receiving too much love. Simple jealousy sometimes destroys families forever.

Colleagues also often do not differ in restraint of feelings. They hate a successful young man who in a year was able to climb the career ladder higher than they were in ten years.

How to stop hating people? It is worth accepting that everyone has their own ambitions, characters and outlook on life. No need to try to change others. It is easier to reconsider your own views. In each case, you need to ask yourself a simple question: why? Why do you hate this person? And if you look deeper into the soul, the answer is sure to be found.

self hatred

People often screw themselves up. There are individuals who practice this on an ongoing basis. And as a result, they develop self-hatred. It is impossible to get rid of this feeling without understanding its true cause. Why does a person hate himself? Because in his eyes he seems to himself pathetic and insignificant. But it's unnatural. Most likely, these thoughts were inspired by others. After all, a person with low self-esteem is easy to manage.

People may hate themselves for failure. In life there are not only white, but also black stripes. During such periods, everything falls out of hand and nothing can be done. Everything can start with a trifle, for example, with a burnt scrambled egg or a runaway coffee. Further, a person who is discouraged may embarrass himself at a meeting or, due to forgetfulness, not hand over the project on time. After that, the authorities will definitely announce a reprimand. In this situation, if a person does not pull himself together, he will scold himself for weakness, laziness and irresponsibility.

You can also hate yourself for your actions. Each of us has done things that are embarrassing to remember. For example, a person could play an evil trick on a friend or commit an inappropriate trick. This act is followed by repentance, and if there is no one to pour it out, people begin to hate themselves. After all, this is easier to do than to accept the situation as it is.

Hatred for loved ones

Breaking up is always hard. It is impossible to get used to it or develop immunity. Every time will be like the first. Why lovers begin to hate after parting Folk wisdom says that from love to hate is one step. And it is true. The fact is that lovers cannot sincerely admit to each other that they are annoyed or dissatisfied. Thus, resentment accumulates. They find a way out in quarrels. When lovers quarrel, they can hurt each other with caustic remarks that, under other circumstances, would not sound so offensive. Soon people reconcile, but resentment does not go away. It accumulates in the soul and will definitely pop up at the next spat. Soon a person begins to hate his soul mate. Therefore, people disperse. Mutual resentment and reproach at the same time flow like a stream.

How to stop hating the person who hurt you? You need to understand his point of view. People always know the reason for their actions, it's just that sometimes it's not obvious. You need to put yourself in the place of the offender and think about why he treated you badly. And believe me, if you think carefully, you can find a lot of reasons.

Expert opinion

What do psychologists say about hate? Experts say that this is an innate feeling. After all, without it, people would not truly understand what love is. After all, it is precisely by opposing one feeling to another that a person can appreciate his surroundings. But if hatred is innate, then why fight it? But laziness, as you know, is born before a person. The fact is that whatever the feeling, good or bad, it must be recognized and controlled. People live in a society, and they need to be able to obey its laws.

How to stop hating the person who betrayed you? Psychologists unanimously agree that you need to forgive. Difficult? Yes, but hatred is not good for anyone. And the fact of betrayal can no longer be changed. Therefore, you need to accept and let go of the situation. Well, yes, it was, but now you understand people better and do not let a person who does not deserve your trust approach you.

Is anger and hatred the same thing?

Not all people can account for the feelings they experience. Therefore, hatred is often confused with anger. And some even consider these concepts synonymous. Is it so? No. After all, anger is a feeling that a person experiences in a particular situation. For example, let's say a friend played a trick on you. What will you do? Get angry. But do not hate a person because he has a bad sense of humor. If a friend is understanding, then he will no longer play a joke. The hatred is piling up. A single incident is not enough for it to be born in the soul. A person needs to make a mistake at least three times so that you can truly hate him.

How do you deal with people you hate?

Do not show your feelings in public. It's ugly and won't benefit anyone. Therefore, the person you hate should be treated like a distant acquaintance. You need to greet him and maintain a normal conversation. Cold-bloodedness is a trait of kings. Why does the object of your hatred need to know that you care about him? That's right, no need. Try not to express your dislike, but it is better to overcome it in your heart altogether.

How to stop hating people? It is necessary in each case to learn to put yourself in someone else's place. If this does not work out, try mentally "going out onto the balcony." What does it mean? It is necessary to step back from the situation and look at it from the outside.

How to stop hating someone

You need to understand that if you have strong feelings for someone, it means that you are not indifferent to the person. Most likely, you cannot come to terms with some of his qualities or actions. What do you do if you hate a person? You need to understand the reason. If you do not like his activity in a business partner, you may envy him and worry that he invests more in the business than you do. Talk to a friend and explain your feelings to him. Next time, he will entrust you with holding an important conference or going to a meeting with customers. Do you hate your lover because he maintains a warm relationship with his ex-girlfriend? Perhaps she is beautiful, smart and purposeful, and you are simply afraid of losing your boyfriend.

How to stop thinking about the person you hate? Need to relax. After you forgive a person, you need to switch thoughts in a different direction. You should go to the cinema, to the skating rink or to a cafe with friends.

When analyzing advice and opinions on how to stop hating yourself, you should definitely mention the fact of raising self-esteem. Only weak people can be offended by themselves and others. Strong personalities don't hold hatred on anyone. After all, it makes no sense to accumulate grievances that will later poison the soul.

How to stop hating everyone

It seems incredible that a completely normal person can be angry at the whole world? But this has happened to everyone. You may be late for an important meeting, and as luck would have it, there are only traffic jams on the road. When you nevertheless got to the office and decided that it would be faster to get to the 10th floor by elevator, the lifting mechanism fails. Well, naturally, arriving at a meeting after such troubles, you will begin to hate the whole world. Although, in fact, no one is to blame for the failures. How to stop hating people around you in such a situation? It is worth understanding that everything always happens for the best. Perhaps your delay gave a speech to a partner who coped with the task very well. It should be understood that people cannot influence some events. In these situations, you need to relax and reconcile, because there is nothing else left, so why bother yourself once again?

How to stop hating others if people annoy you with their stupidity? You need to understand that each person is an expert in his field. And if you are a programmer, you should not expect amazing insight in modeling computer games from others. After all, you are also not fluent in 10 languages, and your knowledge of economics and jurisprudence leaves much to be desired, but this does not irritate your acquaintances. Treat people with respect.

Most girls, starting a new relationship with a man they like, sincerely believe that their love will pass the most unexpected obstacles, will be long, mutual and happy. But if something goes wrong, there comes a breakup. Sometimes it is very painful, leaving an unpleasant aftertaste in the soul. In this case, many girls, at the mere mention of a guy, exclaim with rage: “I hate the ex!”

What is hate? The reasons for its occurrence

This is a feeling of strong hostility towards a person. You can hate your ex for serious reasons or for any little reason. But most often it occurs when a person has suffered severe suffering.

The main reasons are the following:

1. Constant betrayal of the second half. Some, knowing about this weakness of the beloved, turn a blind eye to this and continue to meet. But pain, resentment, and then hatred, more and more fill the heart. Others, having learned about just one fact of infidelity, instantly leave their boyfriend or spouse, and begin to sincerely and openly hate him.
2. Quarrels and beatings. If the chosen one at least once raised his hand to the girl, hatred immediately settles in her soul. This will not appear immediately, the companion will endure this for the time being. But is it possible to love a person who constantly beats his chosen one?
3. Insults and humiliation. Often you can see such a picture. A decent beautiful couple walks holding hands, suddenly a man starts yelling at a girl in front of strangers, humiliating and insulting her feelings. This situation is complicated by the fact that a woman accumulates resentment in herself. And if she nevertheless decides to break off such a relationship, she begins to desperately hate her ex.
4. A woman's love for another man. If a girl fell in love again, she sees only good qualities in her new partner. He becomes for her the standard of a real man. Accordingly, the former begins to annoy her with absolutely everything: appearance, character, conversation.
5. The girl likes to be a victim. She begins to blame her partner for the breakup, and this gives her pleasure. From her lips you can hear a bunch of stories about how she was betrayed, humiliated, insulted. To stop hating your ex, you need to stop being a victim.

There are situations when a girl cannot explain why she hates her ex. What then to do?

In the event that a girl understands that her hatred arose spontaneously, for unknown reasons, the following can be advised:

• calm down and think about the whole situation. Perhaps the anger is caused by physical or emotional fatigue. Relax, go to an entertainment event, and negative emotions for the former will disappear;
• you need to imagine that you will never see this person again, that he will simply disappear from life. What feeling did you experience? Pain or resentment? It means that you still love this person, you need to try to return him. If joy and indifference, then you need to try to get rid of hatred and live your life without thinking about the past;
• you need to be able to forgive. Hatred eats from the inside, and all kinds of physical and mental illnesses can arise from this;
• you need to remember the most pleasant moments from your joint past. Then you will understand that you have no reason to hate;
• try talking to your ex. From the conversation, you will understand how recent love relates to you. Perhaps he will even ask for forgiveness for something or present a surprise. Then past grievances will be forgotten.

In order to completely eradicate hatred in oneself, a sufficiently large period of time must pass. Every day, the most harmful thoughts will appear in the head and in the soul. But as a result, you will understand how banal indifference comes to replace hatred.

Basic steps to get rid of negative feelings

In our life, everything happens imperceptibly and instantly. So it is with young people. A girl, when parting, sometimes experiences mental pain, hostility, fear or hatred. Most often this happens if the beloved did not treat you very well. There are some tips that psychologists give: how to stop hating your ex and leave him alone.

• write letters to your ex-boyfriend in which you tell him everything. Tell him how you hate him, what you want for him. Describe in detail what you would like to do with him, how to take revenge and punish. But just do not send this letter, but simply burn it or tear it to shreds. Over time, the anger will subside, the desire to write letters will become less and less each time, in the end you will understand that you have stopped hating him, thinking, and then completely forget about his existence;
• another way that is always able to help: try to get involved in other things, travel, make new interesting acquaintances. You need to find a person you love, only then can you calm down the hatred for the former man;
• If you feel really bad, then you should consult a psychologist. A few sessions will help you think less about hatred, about what you want to do something with him;
• try not to date your ex, especially immediately after a breakup. Otherwise, you can not stand it and throw out destructive emotions and anger in his face, which you will regret after some time. If you need to exchange some things, use the help of mutual friends. Don't be alone with your ex;
• love yourself. Let your tense body relax - take a relaxing bath, drink a cup of tea. Perfectly distracts from negative thoughts shopping. Treat yourself to a new new thing, a delicious piece of cake. Take up your favorite hobby. Then you will simply have no time to think about hatred;
• try not to be alone. Visit your parents, friends, places of rest more often: parks, museums, theaters. Communicate more, get acquainted, develop;
• make a list of your most secret desires. Follow the intended goal by writing a step-by-step plan to achieve it. Especially remember those dreams that you could not realize together with your lover. They must be completed first. This will help increase self-esteem and destroy the hating feeling.

Sometimes a person is afraid to let go of hatred, because this is a connection with the former. Consider if it is needed. Perhaps love still lives in the heart? Analyze your relationship. If they were built on reproaches, insults, quarrels, humiliations, boldly wave your hand and let him go.

Remember, while you are experiencing negative emotions, it will not be easy for you to establish a personal life. A happy present and future cannot penetrate the soul. You lose your own "I", since it is the former lover who still remains at the center of thoughts. He is more important to you than you are.

The main thing is to stop digging into your past. We need to move forward without looking back. Throw away all your grievances, think about the future. Otherwise, hate will destroy everything in life: love, family, career and you as a person. You need to learn to forgive and let go.

Misanthropy is a slow suicide.

(Friedrich Schiller)

Hatred is a strong feeling of dislike for another person, oneself, dissatisfaction with life or circumstances. People are capable of hating both their own body and the whole world around them. The most powerful and destructive feeling is hatred for one's own kind.

Sometimes hatred arises at one moment as a result of some actions or statements of another person, sometimes anger accumulates over the years, eventually turning into a burning, irresistible feeling that is almost impossible to cope with.

Hate is a destructive feeling. It gives people a lot of energy, which at the same time cannot be directed to anything positive. Hatred craves ruins and scorched earth, someone else's grief.
Hatred primarily harms the one who hates. The hater is exposed to its destructive influence. Many illnesses, both physical and mental, are caused by this terrible feeling.

Judge for yourself, a huge negative energy literally bursts you from the inside at the sight of the object of your anger or even the mention of it. At the same time, you most often cannot show your emotions in all their intensity, you have to restrain yourself. Where does the energy go? That's right, it gets inside, destroying everything in its path.

Feeling that it is impossible to live like this anymore, people begin to think about how to stop hating. Hatred will not go away on its own, this must be firmly grasped. It takes a long time to work on curing hatred, every day, every hour. If you are a believer, turning to God and confession will help.

Often people think that stop hating they can only if the hated person dies. But this rarely brings relief. Having learned that the person whom they nurtured and cherished hatred for dear years has died, they relax and realize that they even feel sorry for him. Grievances seem small and insignificant. And then a person has, having spent half his life in hatred, spend the second half, tormented by guilt.

Meanwhile, having spent a lot of time hatching plans for revenge or just constantly thinking about the object of hatred, from this very object, the hater simply loses the meaning in life. As scary as it sounds, it really does happen.
Therefore, if you experience such feelings, you need to try with all your might from him, stop hating.

Without claiming to be a specialist psychologist, I still want to give some advice, or rather even indicate the direction in which you need to try to move. At one time, this method helped me too.

How to stop hating. Step One: Find the Reason

Hatred cannot arise from scratch, although sometimes when asked why we hate a person, we can answer that we are annoyed by his very presence on earth, we hate him simply for what he is.

In fact, there is a reason for hatred and it is extremely specific. Another thing is that it can be completely insignificant, and over time we can even forget about it. But the anger will remain. Often it is the understanding of the insignificance of the cause that helps a person stop hating.

Maybe the person you hate said or did something that pissed you off and led to complete rejection. Or maybe you hate the boss who nagging you every day. Or is it a relative of your husband or a friend (whom you cannot refuse to meet) who behaves completely unacceptable for you? Find out the reason, and it will be easier for you to take the next step.

How to stop hating. Step two: put yourself in his place

The other person, no matter how surprising it may sound, may not even be aware of your hatred. He may do something without knowing how it affects you. Moreover, others around you do not suspect your attitude towards him. Still, where should they suspect something was wrong if you are exaggeratedly kind and attentive to the object of your hatred. It is the hated person that causes our increased attention and desire to be pleasant. After all, our goal is to hide our feelings, to prevent emotions from breaking through.

As a result, we get what we get. And all you need to do is talk to this person, ask him to change his behavior, think about his statements. How many internal conflicts have been resolved in this way!

But it also happens that, putting yourself in his place, you understand that he is doing nasty things, in your understanding, only out of a desire to annoy you. He is well aware of your feelings and angers you in order to be able to enjoy the manifestation of your emotions or to watch with pleasure your attempts to suppress them in yourself.

Why is he doing this? Yes, just because he likes it. Apparently there are some reasons, most often complexes that prevent him from establishing normal contacts with people, drawing attention to his person in some other way.

Maybe you hate the person who did the bad deed. Think about why the person did or is doing it. Did he do something terrible? And what would you do in his place? Do you think you could do the same in a similar situation? Maybe you will understand that an unsightly act is simply a manifestation of the weakness of this person.

So I'm taking you to the next step.

How to stop hating. Step three: try to forgive

As we have seen, nasty actions and words are most often caused by the fact that a person is weak and follows his own weakness. No matter how insidious he may look, this is most often just a weakness.

It is this thought that should help you forgive him and calm down. It’s easy to say: “I’m sorry!” But how to do it if you hate with all your heart? If at the mere thought of this person the stomach contracts, it is impossible to eat or sleep, and yet thoughts constantly revolve around the object of hatred.

There is one simple exercise that can help you. The main idea is that every person has a soul. She is innocent and beautiful like a child. So imagine this person in the form of a small child. It may be difficult, but you should not feel any contradiction at this stage. After all, the object of your anger was once really a baby, he had a loving mom and dad, he was naive and touching.

Imagine that this child continues to live inside this person. He is frightened and unhappy, he closes his eyes every time the "master" tells you nasty things or provokes you. Take pity, let him understand with your voice, intonations that you know about him, pity him, are ready to support.

This does not mean that when an unpleasant person appears, you should approach him, knock on his chest and say something like: "Hey, baby, I know you're there." No, just talk to the person the way you would talk to a child. Do not be fooled by provocations, pity his little pure soul, instead of hating him.

To many, this exercise may seem silly and useless. That is until you try. I have used this technique for myself. The hatred for the man was so strong that I even began to treat his relatives badly, because they tolerate him and even manage to love him.

The object of my hatred harmed me, said nasty things, did dirty tricks. Moreover, he did not even enjoy his victories, he did not care, he simply believed that he had the right to do so, well, simply because he did not like me.

Only after sorting out the situation, highlighting specific reasons, finding out what exactly supports my hatred and trying to understand why he behaves this way, I saw what reasons he has (albeit unfair, but understandable), I understood why he does it this way (just because other ways are not available to him, since he is the easiest to do). I was able to forgive him for his own imperfection, stupid complexes, I could even regret it.

The process was slow, it was rather difficult, but I tried to perceive the person as some kind of experiment object, to distract myself from my hostility at least for a while. Then she was able to see a baby in him and talk only with him.

As a result, we have had peaceful relations over the past few years. The man stopped plotting and saying nasty things and even treats me with some warmth. I didn’t love him with all my heart, it’s simply impossible, but I perceive him normally, without anger and hostility, and I don’t grit my teeth when he comes to my house.

I do not claim that this method is a panacea, but in not too neglected cases, with your great desire, of course, it can work. I really hope it helps someone stop hating and the world will become one less hater.

If you can't handle yourself, and your hatred is so great that you can't tame it for a while, in order to at least analyze the situation impartially, it's probably better to turn to a specialist.

Alexandra Panyutina
Women's magazine JustLady