How to support someone whose loved one is dying. Psychological help

In our society, people are often afraid to talk openly about death. For everyone, this is something frightening, something that is better not to mention, something that is not worth thinking about. Therefore, the death of a loved one often baffles his family and friends. Everyone is at a loss; what happened seems like the most terrible event in their lives. It is at this moment that a caring and sympathetic friend who knows exactly how to support a person and how to survive the bitterness of loss should come to the rescue.

How does a bereaved person feel?

Any grief associated with the death of a loved one is conventionally divided into several stages:

• state of shock, acute grief and numbness;
• stage of aggression and anger;
• stage of depression and awareness of tragedy;
• adaptation stage.

The first thing a person experiences after the loss of a loved one is shock. Feelings of numbness, uselessness and hopelessness. The wife after the death of her husband, the relatives of the deceased child, children who have lost their parents - they are all in a state of shock. It can last a day, or it can drag on for months. People do not believe what happened, they are afraid of their own feelings and sensations. For everyone, this is incredible pain, which can either pass or turn into depression and deep mental wounds. Many people incorrectly believe that during this period it is better to leave a person alone with his sadness, to give him time so that he himself understands how to survive the bitterness of loss. But this is the most common mistake that loved ones can make. What to do, how to support a person correctly?

First stage of support

For the first few months, those who experience the death of a loved one experience “loss syndrome” - a state of acute grief and shock. The sufferer refuses to believe what happened, feels guilty about the deceased, and is constantly lost in memories of a loved one. At this time, the physical symptoms of loss are acutely expressed: loss of appetite and sexual desire, slowness of all reactions, general lethargy. After the shock comes the time of numbness. At this time, it seems that the grieving person has come to terms with his pain, realized the death of a loved one and took it for granted. But this is just an appearance. In fact, he is in a state of acute pain.

At this stage, the individual is ignorant and unaware of the death of a loved one. The simplest thing that people and friends around him can do is to constantly get in touch with him, to give him a feeling of need. Simple calls with questions about business and mood, conversations and meetings - these insignificant things play a big role in the fight against acute grief. The second way friends can help is by taking on some everyday issues. For example, if your friend lost her husband, find out if she needs help around the house where masculine strength is needed. Help her carry heavy packages from the store or sort through some old things. She will feel needed, and you will have an extra reason to see and support her more often. Don't be afraid to talk about your feelings or appear sentimental. Any complicity, be it psychological or everyday support, will help a person take a step towards a new life.

After the first steps towards accepting his loss, a person may feel the need to talk and reminisce about the deceased, begin to look at his photographs, and read letters. Do not refuse him this; react with interest to every mention of the deceased. This is not a negative sign at all, but only the first attempts to get used to the tragedy.

Second stage of support

The next reaction that may appear in a person experiencing a tragedy is aggression. Sudden mood swings, causeless expression of malice and anger, and resentment towards everyone are possible. At this time, a person constantly wonders why exactly he is experiencing this pain, why exactly his loved one left. The main mistake that can be made in such a situation is expressing condolences using cliched phrases. This will not reassure your friend in any way; perhaps you will only add fuel to the fire. Whether the deceased was a husband, child, friend or acquaintance, in our thoughts he remains the most special and irreplaceable, so the phrases “you will survive” or “everything will be fine” seem to be an insult to the memory of the deceased. It will be difficult for you to communicate and make contact with an aggressive person, but this is exactly what you can do. Just be there, let the sufferer pour out all the surging feelings, while trying not to be dramatic yourself. Let everything at the moment focus on the emotions and experiences of a friend who has lost part of his life.

Third stage of support

This stage of grief awareness seems quite gloomy and depressing, but it is precisely this that signals that the individual begins to accept his loss, realizes that he will no longer be able to return someone dear and loved.

The emotions that a person experiences at this stage are very similar to depression. Lethargy, depression, isolation. At this step, it is worth asking frankly what your friend expects from you. Someone will want to have a heart-to-heart talk, remember the deceased, and tell some stories about him. Laugh and cry together, lend your shoulder, show full interest in the whole situation.

Someone needs a distraction. Go for a walk or to the cinema together, find a common hobby, occupy your friend’s free time with something interesting that does not connect him with the deceased. Involve the person in some particularly important matters that require his participation, so that there is no time left to indulge in your unhappiness.

There is a third type of people, those who want to be alone with themselves. If you are sure that this will help him, then leave him alone for a short time, but be sure to show your support and understanding before doing so.

Fourth or final stage of support

This is a rehabilitation period. Usually, it occurs a year after the tragedy. The man experienced all the feelings, accepted the pain and decided to start a life without mourning. Now he needs communication, work and new emotions.

Invite him to parties and outings, tell him about all the interesting news. The main thing is to be natural. Do not behave particularly politely and compliantly with the person, so that he does not return to the tragedy in his memory. Make it clear that life has continued and your friend is an integral part of everything that happens.

Common Mistakes

One of the serious mistakes that people make when trying to support a grieving person is advice to change the environment, get rid of some things or photographs of the deceased, move away from the place that connected the deceased person and his loved one. The fact is that, according to experts, it is the first year that is of great importance in correctly accepting such a problem as the loss of a loved one. Vacations, holidays and all the holidays that previously connected the individual with the deceased pass. Do not rush him into making decisions; each of them in the first twelve months can be made under the influence of emotions and feelings. The least you can do to help a person get out of this mourning is to give them time to get used to the new environment and adjust to the emerging rhythm of life without their loved one.

The second mistake is the fear of refusal to the grieving person. Of course, help and support are necessary, but do not let the person become dependent on you. This will put a heavy burden on your life and the life of your friend. Remember to have a sense of proportion, that there is a line between your own and someone else’s fate. Having made you the main support and hope, any subsequent refusal can be perceived as a betrayal. Don’t be afraid to set boundaries; this will help your friend survive the tragedy and remain a whole, independent and resilient person.

Should you offer specialist help?

Alas, no one will be able to isolate themselves from death. At least once, in everyone’s life there will be situations related to the death of a loved one. You need to be sensitive and attentive when providing support. As you begin to support your friend who is experiencing adversity, be prepared to take on greater responsibility. Sometimes a person does not accept his loss, but only tries to escape from it. Escaping from real life can become a serious problem that can result in a nervous breakdown or depression. After this, it is very difficult to face the real situation, to re-realize your grief.

It is you who, from the outside, must control all stages of problem acceptance in order to notice in time if something is out of control. Unfortunately, not everyone can understand their feelings and emotions on their own. If quite a lot of time has passed, but your friend has not begun to accept his grief and come out of the state of mourning, if signs of impending depression begin to appear, then you should somehow delicately offer not only your help, but also the help of a specialist.

Be sensitive and attentive, because no one is immune from personal losses. Allow yourself and your loved one to be sentimental, cry and laugh together, do not be afraid of your own and other people's feelings. Grief is a natural human reaction. Only support and attention from friends help us survive many tragedies, leaving in our memory the brightest and most beautiful moments.

It should be understood that at a funeral a funeral speech is made, which is addressed to the entire circle of guests. A funeral is a rather difficult event and relatives choose a person with good diction and who knew the deceased well.

If you are reading a memorial speech, then you should not rely on improvisation; there is nothing wrong if you record the speech. Optimal speaking time up to 5 minutes. You should not retell the entire biography of the deceased. The speaker must select the brightest, most important, good moments that highlight all the best qualities of the deceased.

Since you personally knew the deceased, you can remember a kind deed, good words, or moments, and also emphasize how significant this person was to you. At the end of the speech they usually talk about what the deceased taught us, what benefits he did, that he did not live his life in vain.

In a funeral speech, you cannot recall the shortcomings and bad deeds of the deceased; remember that good things can be said about a bad person. For example, if a person was greedy, then we can say that although he did not always know how to share joy with others, he is an example for us of how to be happy ourselves and achieve everything with our own work! In this way, guests will learn about the deceased, his busy life, and good deeds.

Warm words warm the souls of guests and relatives, thus making the loss easier to bear.

An example of composing a speech:

1. Appeal:

Dear guests [Name]!
-Dear relatives and friends!
-Dear family and friends of our beloved [Name]

2. Who you are:

I am the husband of our revered [Name].
-I am the sister of [Name] whom we remember today.
-[Name] and I have worked/served together for a long time/in recent years.

3. About how it all happened:

My mother was ill for a long time; we understood what would happen, but when we got a call from the hospital...
-When I found out that [Name] died, that evening I couldn’t think about anything else.
-Although my grandfather lived a long life, the news of his death shocked me.
-Today is 9 days since my mother left us.
-A year ago we said goodbye to [Name], a respected and worthy person.

4. A few words about the best qualities of the deceased:

Grandmother was the kindest person, often receiving guests in her cozy house in the village.
-She was very generous, and her smile gave everyone a good mood.
-He was known as an optimist and a person with whom it was easy to go through life.
“He was a support for all of us; you could always rely on him in difficult times.

Remember that the eulogy at a funeral must come from your heart, just take a pen and write about what is in your soul, describe the deceased. It’s better if your speech is not formally correct, but sincere, which will touch the hearts of the guests.

Example of a funeral speech There are few facts from life here, but the speech was spoken from the heart:

Dear relatives and friends! I am the husband of our revered [Name]. Having learned about the tragedy, I could not believe what had happened for a long time, I could not think about anything all evening and it still seems to me that this was just a dream.
Not many people know how pure and bright a person [Name] was. Already at the age of 18, she made her first journey, and this passion for seeing new things remained forever in her heart. We met on one of these trips; it was an unforgettable month in an unforgettable city.
We both considered ourselves free as birds, and did not want to tie the knot, but this acquaintance turned everything upside down. She was an incredibly kind and sympathetic person. She always helped strangers, always took into account the opinions of others and avoided conflicts. I’m glad that, although for so little, I was with her and was able to enjoy the purity, tenderness and feelings that [Name] gave me. I will always remember you [Name], your warm smile will forever remain in our hearts!

What do they say at funerals?

At the wake, everyone can show their respect to the deceased. If you want to honor the memory of a loved one, prepare in advance, come up with a nice toast or poem to stand at the memorial table and honor the memory of your loved one.

Before sitting down to the table, the deceased is honored with a minute of silence. Orthodox Christians begin the commemoration by reading Psalm 90 and the Lord’s Prayer. The owner of the house invites guests to the table and people sit down without sitting in the empty place allocated to the deceased.

First word given to the owner of the house: -Today we saw off our loved one on his last journey (calls him as was customary in the family). May he/she rest in peace and may his/her memory be eternal. (Bows to the portrait or empty space of the deceased).

Everyone drinks (according to tradition, jelly). Without clinking glasses. Then the word is given to the presenter. The presenter also makes his speech, concluding it with the words: - May the earth (says the name and patronymic of the deceased) rest in peace, and may the memory be eternal!

Then the leader gives mourning words to everyone from the elders to the minority: As a rule, these are toasts, at the end of which they say May [Name] rest in peace, and may the memory be eternal!

In memorial words, the use of aphorisms, favorite expressions of the deceased, and stories from life is allowed. Any negative words, conversations about bad character traits, or showdowns are not allowed.

Example: Friends, today is a day of sorrow. There was a time when we had fun and rejoiced with someone who left us. But today you and I drink this cup of sorrow ourselves, seeing off a person close to us on their last journey. Not everyone in the world was honored with the Dormition, like the Mother of God and other holy people. But we will keep in our hearts the good memory of our friend, having hope for resurrection and a new meeting in a new place. Let's drink to the dregs the wine of sadness!

Example: We are sad and sad and there are no other feelings. Let's remember all the parents, Let's remember all the relatives! Let us remember all those who have passed away, In the prime of their lives, Brothers, sisters of the dead, Acquaintances and strangers! They once lived and made us happy, laughed and loved, took care of us. For a long time or recently They are no longer with us, And we reverently bring a bouquet to the grave!

Or just incidents from life, someone will remember how well he drew, someone will remember how wonderful they worked together, and someone will talk about his good deed.

Example: “Our grandfather was a very kind and good person. His path was long and difficult. He perceived all the difficulties that befell the country as his own. He worked and raised children without complaining about the lack of benefits, lack of food or amenities. He raised children and was a support for his grandchildren. This magnificent man will be greatly missed by all of us. May his memory be blessed!”

The funeral words must be said while standing. After your funeral words, the head of the family must end your words with the phrase - May the earth (says the name and patronymic of the deceased) rest in peace, and may the memory be eternal! Or for the believers the Kingdom of heaven and eternal peace for him/her.

When everyone has spoken, the head of the house thanks everyone for their kind words and once again wishes everyone to be strong in order to survive the bitterness of loss and remain firm at all times. Everyone gets up, drinks, bows and sits down again. According to tradition, the last toast is made by the eldest woman in the family, or the eldest relative. She also thanks everyone for coming and honoring the memory of the deceased and, if necessary, invites everyone to the next commemoration. After the last toast, they do not say goodbye, but bow to the portrait of the deceased (or an empty place at the table) and on the way out they offer words of condolences to the relatives.

How to express condolences over a death?

What should you not say? Often on such difficult days, it is very difficult for us to formulate our thoughts and express our condolences correctly. We begin to speak in general phrases, instead of simply supporting people dear to us in difficult times. Let's consider what it is better not to say when expressing your condolences:

2. God judged, everything was God’s will, God took it away. You cannot say such a phrase to a mother who has lost a small innocent child, thereby you seem to be saying that God did this to them. It is better to say that now a person is in a better world.

3. How are you? There is no need to dryly ask relatives how they are doing; if there is a need to maintain a conversation, it is better to ask how you are feeling? What's on your mind? However, if you are not a loved one, then just inquire about the funeral itself and ask if there is anything I can do for you.

4. Everything will be fine, don't cry! You should not try to cheer up the relatives of the deceased with such expressions; after all, this is mourning and these days relatives most often want to think about today, and not about the future.

5. Future-oriented wishes do not belong to words of condolences: “I wish you to come to your senses quickly after such a tragedy”

6. It is considered bad form to find positive aspects in a tragedy and devalue the loss. No problem, give birth again! He was very sick and finally got over it! Remember that people here have gathered to honor the memory of the deceased.

7. You’re not the only one, it can be worse, that’s what happened with…..Such statements are tactless and do not help in any way to alleviate the pain of loss.

8. You can’t look for someone to blame. We hope this driver goes to jail! We hope this killer will be punished. Such statements also do not apply to words of condolences.

9. “You know, he drank a lot and was a drug addict, people like that don’t live long.” Such statements are also tactless, about the deceased it’s either good or nothing.

10. Questions “How and where did this happen?” and others, it is also not appropriate to ask when expressing condolences.

Verbal condolences to the loved ones of the deceased

The most important thing is that your words of condolences are sincere and from the heart. For example, if you did not know the deceased and his relatives well, then a simple handshake or hug with words of condolences for your loss will be enough. The same applies to people who simply have no words or only two words, I sympathize with you. You can simply hug, take your hand, put your hand on your shoulder, thereby showing that you sincerely sympathize and share your grief with the relatives of the deceased.

It is considered good form to offer your help, ask if there is something I can do for you? Most often they will politely answer you, no thanks, no need. But if help is really needed, then it can be help in preparing dishes for the funeral, in submitting notes to the church for conducting church liturgies for the deceased, and even financial assistance.

How to find words of condolences for a death?

To make it easier to express your condolences, think about the deceased, who he was to you, remember good incidents from life, his actions and joint affairs. Also think about the feelings of your loved ones, how hard it is for them, how they feel. This will help you choose words for your condolences.

If you feel guilty about something before the deceased, your sincere apologies will be good form, because condolences are both forgiveness and reconciliation. There is no need to squeeze words out of yourself, if there are none, then just come up and sincerely say how you condole, everything will be visible in your eyes. Below are examples of words of condolences:

He meant a lot to me and to you, I mourn with you. Let it be a consolation to us that he gave so much love and warmth.

Let's pray for him. There are no words to express your sorrow.

She meant a lot in your life and mine. Never forget…

It is very difficult to lose such a dear person. I share your grief. How can I help you? You can always count on me.

I'm very sorry, please accept my condolences. If I can do something for you, I will be very glad.

I would like to offer my help. I would be happy to help you...

Unfortunately, in this imperfect world we have to experience this. He was a bright man whom we loved. I will not leave you in your grief. You can count on me at any moment.

This tragedy affected everyone who knew her. Of course, it’s harder for you now than anyone else. I want to assure you that I will never leave you. And I will never forget her.

Please, let's walk this path together. Unfortunately, I only now realized how unworthy my bickering and quarrels with this bright and dear person were.

Excuse me! I mourn with you. This is a huge loss. And a terrible tragedy. I pray and will always pray for you and for him.

It is difficult to express in words how much good he did to me. All our differences are dust. And what he did for me, I will carry with me throughout my life. I pray for him and grieve with you. I will be happy to help you at any time.

We can doubt anything: whether tomorrow will be cloudy or clear, whether we will be healthy or sick, whether we will be rich or poor, but there is no doubt about one thing - sooner or later we will all appear before God. Dying is “the way of all the earth.” But knowing this, when we lose loved ones, we still experience grief. And this is understandable and explainable by human nature. After all, even when we simply part with our loved ones for a while, we are sad, grieved, shed tears, and even more so when the last parting in earthly life awaits. The Lord Jesus Christ Himself, when He came to the house of His dead friend Lazarus, was grieved in spirit and shed tears, He loved him so much. But believers have a great consolation that helps them survive the death of loved ones - prayer for their departed. And this prayer, like a thread, connects us and the world of people who have already passed away.

Anyone who loses a loved one asks the question: “What more can I do for my loved one?” And indeed, when our loved ones get sick, we rush to help, go to the hospital, buy food, medicine; if they are in some other trouble, we also help as much as we can. And this sympathy expresses our love and condolences for them.

But the deceased person is no less, and perhaps even more, in need of our care.

A person does not disappear as a person with brain death and cardiac arrest. In addition to the body (temporary shell), he has an eternal, immortal soul. “God is not the God of the dead, but of the living” (Matthew 22:32). And it is the soul that constitutes the essence of man. And we love (if we really love) our loved one not for the beauty of the body and physical strength, but for the qualities of the soul. Intelligence, kindness, character, love - all these are qualities of the soul of our loved one, what makes up his image. The body is a person’s clothing, it ages, gets sick, changes, irreversible processes happen to it. Sometimes, looking at the remains lying in a coffin, we cannot even recognize a familiar appearance in them, so the deceased changes. And the soul has no age, it is immortal. It’s not for nothing that they say: “He is young at heart,” but the man is already over 60.

Since our neighbor is immortal, he also needs our help and support there, beyond the boundaries of earthly life. So, what does he expect from us, and how can we help him?

Nothing earthly, of course, no longer interests the departed. They don’t need expensive tombstones, lavish funerals, etc. They need only one thing - our fervent prayer for the repose of their souls and the forgiveness of their voluntary and involuntary sins. The deceased himself can no longer pray for himself. Saint Theophan the Recluse says that the departed need prayers, “like a poor person needs a piece of bread and a cup of water.”

We must pray, repent of sins, and begin the sacraments of the Church in our earthly life, and it is given to us as preparation for eternal life, and when a person dies, the outcome of his life has already been summed up, he cannot in any way change it for the better. The deceased can only count on the prayers of the Church and those who knew and loved him during his lifetime. And through the prayers of relatives and friends, the Lord can change the fate of the deceased. Evidence of this is countless cases from Church Tradition and the lives of saints. An amazing incident is described in the ancient life of St. Gregory Dvoeslov. The saint had the boldness to pray for the repose of the cruel persecutor of Christianity - Emperor Trajan. But Trajan not only initiated persecution of Christians (for he did not know what he was doing), he was a fair and merciful ruler, and had great concern for his poor subjects. Saint Gregory learned that the emperor had protected a widow in distress, and took upon himself the feat of praying for him. It was revealed to him from God that his prayer was accepted. This example (and many others) is a great consolation and inspires us in our prayers for the departed. Even if the deceased was far from the Church, he can receive relief from his fate through the fervent, tearful prayer of his loved ones.

Another very important point: if the person who left us did not live a church life, or we know that his life was far from the commandments of God, loving relatives should be especially attentive to their own soul. We are all interconnected with our family and friends, as parts of a single organism: “If one member suffers, all the members suffer with it” (1 Cor. 12:26). If some organ is inactive, a person’s other senses become aggravated, other organs take on additional load and its functions. And if our loved one did not have time to do something in spiritual life, we must make up for it for him. By this we will save our soul and bring great benefit to his soul. There is a military song about a deceased pilot, whose comrade says that he lives on earth “for himself and for that guy.” And our life for others, in memory of someone, can be expressed in our fervent prayer, in the acquisition of Christian virtues, in generous alms in memory of the deceased.

It often happens that people who very rarely went to church, lived a carefree, worldly life, having lost a loved one, come to Church and become real Orthodox Christians. Their life changes completely; through sorrow they come to God. And, of course, they spend their entire lives praying for their deceased relatives. God works in mysterious ways.

Believers and people far from the Church perceive the loss of loved ones in completely different ways. Sometimes you happen to attend the funeral of non-church people and observe what a painful sight it is. Once I participated in the funeral service of a famous neurosurgeon and a very good person. The Lord took him when he was still young, after a sudden, fleeting illness, at the peak of his medical activity. And so, when the funeral speeches of his colleagues began, one could observe what confusion and numbness the sacrament of death plunges non-church people into. Almost everyone considered it their duty to begin the word something like this: “What a terrible injustice... How early and suddenly the deceased left us... How much more he could have done,” etc. It is clear that such speeches cannot bring comfort to the relatives and friends of the deceased, rather, on the contrary, they will further aggravate their grief. Even if you don’t believe in anything, you can simply say kind, warm words to a friend and colleague. Why is this happening? Why are people so confused in the face of death and avoid even mentioning, even thinking about it in everyday life? From fear and uncertainty. Death frightens them; they do not know what awaits them. Is there life there? Or do we live only here in the material world? How to prepare for death and relate to it is a sealed mystery for non-believers. Even the usual wish for official speeches: “May he rest in peace,” is fraught with a hidden question: is this really all: a body in the ground - and nothing else?

With the death of loved ones, people who are far from faith often fall into despair, despondency, and black melancholy. That's it, life is over, if my loved one is no longer there, he has ceased to exist, life no longer makes sense. This is not to say that believers do not mourn the death of loved ones, but they approach death completely differently. Christian sadness is bright, we know that a person lives forever, that death is only separation, that his life continues, but in a different capacity. We know that we are connected to the deceased by bonds of prayer and love. We cannot say: “There was a man - and there is no man.” If we loved our neighbor during life, then after death we continue to love him. “Love never fails,” says the Apostle Paul (1 Cor. 13:8). Whenever I have had to lose loved ones, I have always been left with a feeling of separation, not of an end. As if they had gone somewhere very far away, but not forever, not forever.

Excessive grief is also unacceptable because it not only destroys our own soul (despondency is one of the eight deadly sins), but also prevents us from praying for the departed. An emptiness, a vacuum, forms in the soul of a despondent person; he cannot do anything at all, much less pray. But our loved one so needs our help! And with despondency, depression, melancholy, we will not only not help him, but, perhaps, we will bring suffering. For the sake of our loved ones, we must pull ourselves together, calm down as much as possible and put all our strength into prayer. Especially before the 40th day, a deceased person needs fervent prayers.

The human soul, leaving the body, experiences anxiety and fear: it is accustomed to living in its home for many years, it does not know what awaits it, where the Lord will determine it. After death, a person gives an answer for his entire life, and here his future fate is determined. And it is very important to support the soul of a loved one by remembering at the Divine Liturgy, reading the Psalter, and the cell rule.

Very often, the relatives of the deceased think that if they do not show their grief to others, everyone will think that they did not love the deceased, and sometimes one can simply observe a heartbreaking sight with hysterics, lamentations and howls over the deceased. This is especially practiced in villages where the traditions of special mourners are still preserved. People drive themselves into complete frenzy. What kind of prayer is that?! True grief and sorrow, as a rule, pass quietly and almost unnoticed by others. It happens that people who are too heartbroken and weeping for the deceased actually feel more sorry for themselves: how poor, unhappy and lonely they are now.

All these traditions we inherited from pagan rituals and, of course, are incompatible with Orthodoxy.

And we, Orthodox Christians, need to dissolve our grief with Christian hope that if we ourselves are saved and save our loved ones with our prayer, then, we dare to believe, we will have a meeting with them there, in another life. And if they reach the Kingdom of Heaven, they will definitely pray there for us.