How to calm your mother down when she cries. How to make peace with your mother

Hello Anton. My name is Nadya. I am 15 years old. I am in 9th grade. I try really hard at school, I always do homework, but sometimes there are 3. So. We put grades in an electronic diary, my mother saw that I had three Cs. Well, the rest of the ratings are 4 and 5. But despite this, she began to scream a lot. I'm already used to this, that she constantly screams, I try not to pay attention, she screams about the grades, which in fact are not so bad, there are no 3 in the quarter, if I got a 3, then I close it right away. She screams if I did something wrong. I also have an older sister. When she comes to visit us, my mother naturally talks to her, and if I say something, she immediately reacts aggressively, starts saying, shut up, etc. Sometimes it even seems that she doesn’t need me at all and she doesn’t love me. I always miss my mother's love. Sometimes even after she yells at me again, I have suicidal thoughts, because I probably can’t stand this kind of tension anymore. Help please. What can I do to calm my mother down?

Nadya, Kstovo, 15 years old

Family psychologist's answer:

Hello, Nadya.

Unfortunately, there is only one thing - stop reacting. Yes, it will be difficult, but when mom realizes that her screams no longer evoke any emotions in you, she will, out of inertia, try to apply pressure for some time, and then she will understand that the old way will not work. You may be alienated for a while, but perhaps later she will learn to see you as an adult and treat you as such. Find on my website (link in profile) the article “Five Myths about Children and Parents...” and read it. I think you will understand more about the mechanisms that occur between parents and children in the family, and what sometimes is the basis for such an attitude of parents towards the child. You may also find the article “looking into the face of a manipulator” helpful, which will help you find ways to resist manipulation and pressure.

Sincerely, Anton Mikhailovich Nesvitsky.

After you and your mom have some distance after the fight, find her to ask for forgiveness. By now you should have reached a new level of understanding of her position as a parent. Approach your mom and ask if you can talk now (don't forget the HALT strategy).

• If she's open to dialogue, start with an apology. To do this, use one or two reasons that you regarded as your fault. You could try something like this: “Sorry I waited until the last minute to talk about the money needed for school.”
• Then offer a solution to the problem. For example: “I will try to warn you in advance in the future when I need money for school needs.”

Unfortunately, even the closest people are not immune from conflict situations. Often, parents and their growing or already adult children complain about misunderstandings with each other, and if this problem is not resolved in a timely manner, it can lead to serious consequences.

I constantly quarrel with my parents, why does this happen?

Quarrels between parents and children, alas, are not a rare occurrence. Some families manage to smooth out rough edges and avoid arguments, but in many cases misunderstanding is inevitable. There can be many reasons for such a development of the situation, and often the matter comes down simply to a difference in interests, due to a significant difference in age.

Probably, your quarrels with your parents occur because it seems to you that they do not understand you at all and “live in a different time.” Be that as it may, it is important to understand that you should still treat your parents with respect, even if you do not agree with their opinion - this is what well-mannered and worthy young men and women do. Cases when a mother or father wishes harm to their child are practically excluded - no matter what they advise, most likely it comes from good intentions. That is why, first of all, focus on what your parents want for you to feel better, and then think about everything else.

We are often very harsh with our parents, and we realize that we are wrong only many years later. If you don’t want to live with regrets, then learn self-control - this is important not only when communicating with relatives.

If you think that you understand something more than your parents, then this is an even greater reason to show leniency towards them. Be kind to them, even if right now you don't think they deserve it.

What to do if you quarrel with your mother

Think about the situation

Think about why the situation turned into a conflict. Also think about whether you could have prevented such a development of events or whether it was completely out of your control. Before getting angry with your mother, assess the situation from several angles. Put yourself in your mother's shoes: how would you feel if you were in your mother's position in this situation?

Don't make excuses

Of course, it may be that you are not at all to blame for this conflict, but do not rush to look for excuses for yourself. In practice, it is very difficult to find a situation where only one participant is to blame for a quarrel. Having carefully thought about what happened, you, of course, will understand that its outcome is also your fault, and perhaps even to a greater extent.

Be more tolerant

Usually, after a conflict, people who love each other begin to reproach themselves and think about how this situation could have been prevented. Surely, it’s not easy for your mother now, and she is worried not only about the cause of the quarrel, but also about its very fact. Invite your mother to calmly discuss the situation. First of all, do not try to impose your opinion, but listen carefully to all her arguments. Even if your mother’s words seem absurd or unfair to you, control yourself. After calmly listening to her position, convey yours just as calmly. If your mother gets angry or interrupts, tell her that you want to talk to her when she is ready to listen to you without unnecessary emotions.

Be more proactive

To soften the situation, you do not need to show your resentment and do not help your mother in any way if you are in a quarrel. Respond to her calls for help, and take the initiative in household chores yourself.

How to make peace with your mother

After a strong quarrel, lies or bad deeds

Choose a suitable place for reconciliation. Of course, there should be no third parties present. Since the quarrel occurred between the two of you, you shouldn’t involve other people in solving the problem. An exception may be other close relatives who are also somehow hurt by your behavior.

Decide on the “right” time. Nothing should distract you or your mother from the conversation. Also pay attention to the mother’s mood - she should not be tired, irritated or in a hurry to get somewhere. In general, take care of the ideal conditions for conversation.

Start with an apology, then move on to explaining your actions. Of course, your apology should not look like a favor or condescension. Mom probably wants to hear sincere repentance and regret in your voice - she is unlikely to be satisfied with a formal apology.

If I'm to blame

If you realize your guilt, then this is already half the battle. Now it is important to convey to your mother that you really understand that you were wrong, and at the same time you are very sorry for what happened.

Explain to your mom what exactly prompted you to do this or that way, and what you intend to do if the situation develops in a similar way again.

Show not only in words that you were wrong, but also in deeds. Of course, this is not about trying to “appease” your mother with gifts - this is unlikely to help. Try to be more attentive to her, spend more time with her. Don’t forget to help your mother, to show care at least in small things.

Ask your mother directly how you can correct the situation and make amends to her. Surely, she will tell you what offended her the most, and how you could improve the situation. If you cannot fulfill its conditions, try in a calm atmosphere to find the most advantageous compromise for both of you.

Promise that in the future you will try not to make the same mistake. Of course, it would be ideal if you actually try not to make such an oversight again.

If she's wrong

If it seems to you that your mother is wrong in the current situation, then first you need to make sure whether this opinion is not your subjective one. Put yourself mentally in her place and try to understand why she had the wrong opinion. Perhaps this is partly your fault?

How to properly apologize to your mother

Sincerely ask for forgiveness

The main thing in this matter is sincerity. Mom has lived longer than you, and most likely learned to recognize genuine and fake emotions. If you are largely or partly to blame for the argument, then, of course, your mother expects you to admit your guilt and apologize to her. Some people believe that asking for forgiveness is humiliation. Usually only strong people are able to admit their mistakes.

Write a letter or SMS with an apology

Perhaps it is difficult for you to start a conversation with your mother or the right opportunity has not yet arisen. In this situation, you need to find another way to convey your apology, and do it at least with the help of SMS or a paper letter. If a mother who is offended by you can brush off the conversation, then she will most likely still read your message, even if she does not admit it right away.

Heartfelt conversation

Of course, a sincere conversation will best help in this situation, but you should choose the right time for it. If you understand that now mom is clearly not in the mood for a conversation, then you should not force it. Prepare a good dinner or buy some goodies for tea and invite your mother to talk over the meal or tea.

When you ask for an apology, it is important that you are sincere at the time. Remember that the interlocutor does not expect you to simply apologize; he often expects you to understand that you were wrong, and not just do him a favor by admitting a mistake.

It is important not to aggravate the conflict, but to resolve it, so if you see that the interlocutor is not at all in the mood for a conversation, then it is better not to impose, but to find another convenient opportunity for conversation.

How to calm your mother when she swears and cries

Talk to her calmly

If your mother has come to tears, then you probably understand that she is really very upset and it is not easy for her to cope with the situation emotionally. Answering her in a similar tone is unlikely to improve the situation. Answer calmly, but this calmness should be sympathetic, but not indifferent or distant. Perhaps mom needs to speak out - don’t try to interrupt her. However, during pauses, choose the most necessary words that suit the situation.

Hug, kiss

However, more often than not, upset mothers need more than just words, but to improve their relationship with their child. She is unlikely to pull away if you hug or kiss her in a moment of emotional weakness. However, even if this happens, and she brushes aside your expressions of tenderness, do not even doubt that her soul will become much easier, and with your gesture you will only improve the situation.

Say that you appreciate and love him very much

It is important for a mother to hear words of love from her child - such confessions are never superfluous! It often seems to parents that their children do not appreciate all the sacrifices they make for their children, or do not even notice them. Perhaps there is also such a problem in your relationship with your mother? Tell your mom that you see how much she does for you and really appreciate her efforts.

Write a poem (your own or one you can find on the Internet)

Of course, most mothers are very sensitive to signs of attention from their children. If you need to apologize to your mother, then you are unlikely to seriously correct the situation with poems - first, it is still advisable to talk frankly and admit your mistakes. But a poem for a “fixing effect” can be very effective. If you are a creative person, then perhaps it will not be difficult for you to write your own poem for your mother. Is this mission still too much for you? Then you can choose a suitable verse with an apology on the Internet.

Give a bouquet of flowers

Many women love flowers, and your mother is probably no exception. Surely, even a small bouquet of her favorite flowers will cheer her up. If it is customary in your house to care for perennial plants, then perhaps she will be even more delighted to have a flower in a pot. Most likely, you know your mother's tastes, and you can choose a bouquet to suit her taste.

Invite you to a cozy coffee shop for a conversation

Perhaps you and your mother periodically visit your favorite coffee shop? In this case, this establishment may be a great place for reconciliation! However, if you usually don’t go to a cafe with your mother, then there is a good reason to change this.

Make a collage of your photos together

Of course, your mother will be glad to receive your attention, and a collage with joint or personal photographs may be quite appropriate. Such a step may not be regarded as the main apology, but the collage may well become the “finishing touch”. Choose your mom's favorite photos - it's possible that she forgot about many of them, and she will be pleased to relive the memories.

Have an interesting time together

Many parents believe that grown-up children are very immersed in their own personal lives and practically do not devote time to their family. Admit it, this is often what happens. You can always fix this by spending time with your mother. You can do this in different ways - go to the cinema, watch a good movie at home, cook a delicious dish together and much more!

Is it possible not to quarrel with your mother, but to live in peace and harmony?

If you want to live in peace and harmony with your mother, then you can achieve this, even if she has a grumpy character. However, this circumstance is rarely the main cause of quarrels - more often mothers and daughters quarrel due to simple misunderstandings. Suggest to your mother not to swear, but to try to find a compromise in any controversial situations. At the same time, it is important to move from words to action, and not to “pull the blanket over yourself” in the event of a conflict, but to try to resolve the difficulties that have arisen. Well, and most importantly, you need to be more tolerant and remain calm if you understand that you are being unfairly accused. Most likely, your mother will appreciate your reaction and will listen to you just as calmly. If you realize that you are truly at fault, do not use the rule that the best defense is attack - have the courage to admit your mistakes.

Mom is the most important, dear person in our lives. And no matter how much we love and protect our mothers, their hearts are always vulnerable. But as one philosopher said: “You should not avoid problems, but look for their solutions.”

• First, understand the essence of the conflict. Scroll through all the possible options for sadness in your head. There is no need to directly ask about disorders. The problem must be approached carefully and from afar.

• Calm a person down Not only with a kind word, but also with a good joke. If a person has an excellent sense of humor, this can become an assistant to you in a difficult matter.

• Make a joke out of the cause of the disorder, although it’s not so easy to make an offended person laugh, you can at the same time understand how much this hurt your loved one. Find out: how to raise your son.

• Calm mom down hugs will help. It has indeed been proven that it is by hugging a person that we let him know that he is not alone. Tell her how young and beautiful she is, tell her what she wants to hear.

• It is also worth remembering that it is important for our mothers feel needed. Ask her for advice, you can do as you want, but your family will be pleased to know that you need their participation.

• If possible, try to remember everything positive emotions, or vice versa, laugh together at unpleasant situations. Try to explain that this is not the end of the world, and not a death sentence. Any problem can be solved.

• If you can't cheer up, try be sad together, sometimes it helps. If necessary, even cry. Find an activity that can distract a person; as you know, work and any work will help you forget and calm down for a while.

Sometimes moral help is not enough; perhaps you just need help doing difficult physical work.

There are moments when a person needs help urgently, without any thought or planning. And really, what to do when minor depression develops into hysteria? Here, as they say, all means are good. You shouldn't leave people alone with their troubles.

Discuss all this over a cup of hot tea or cocoa and look forward to the day together. After all, for MOM we remain children, even if we already have our own child. Don't forget about your parents.

• If the cause of the disorder is you, be able to ask for forgiveness for what they did and what they could not do. For growing up early, for all the anxieties that our mothers experienced.

• Watch old favorite movies together, long-dusty albums with childhood photographs. Remember when you were very little. Tell me how dear she is to you. Our old people don’t always want to see your money and expensive gifts; you can just remember your favorite flowers and sweets.

• Unobtrusively touch the person, take his hand, put his head on his shoulder, stroke his head. Watch the reaction, are you being pushed away? Don't impose, but don't leave.

• And the most important thing really calm mom down instantly phrases will help: “I love you”; “thank you” and “sorry.”

Tell them how much you miss them, instill hope and love in their souls. Be able to be there at a crucial moment. Appreciate their wisdom, experience and wrinkles.

Everything we have is thanks to our family. They live for us, do everything for our good, and do not ask for retribution in return. Let us conclude that the best sedative medicine is attention and care. Pleasant words can heal any disease.

Hello, it's time for me to join this community.

I would immediately like to sincerely thank the people who created and support this site, you are doing a truly great job! I have been reading the site’s materials for some time now and the information I found here helped me a lot, as well as the psychological awareness that there are other people with similar problems and they can cope with them, which means there is a chance that I can too.

About me and my situation: my name is Alena, I am 32 years old, at the moment my husband and I have taken my mother to live with us (me, my husband, our infant child). Mom is 55 years old, she was diagnosed , 2 years ago she buried her common-law husband, whom she had been caring for for several years; he also suffered from Alzheimer's disease, after which she was forced to move to live with her parents (they are 83 years old). 2 years before his death, my mother’s memory began to deteriorate, her speech became easier, depression began - we began to examine her, but she was diagnosed only a year ago, when we ourselves decided to do brain. At the moment, the disease is progressing rapidly: within a year it has moved from the stage of mild dementia to the stage of moderate dementia. Mom is relatively adequate, but her memory for recent events and mental activity in general suffers greatly, her speech is very much affected (it is very difficult for her to express any thought clearly (some “this, that one, there”, etc. - you need to guess about than speech), my character has deteriorated greatly, I have panic attacks, tearfulness, anxiety and depression do not go away. The situation is complicated by the fact that my mother and I could never get along together even before her illness; we maintained a good relationship at a distance, but we could not live in the same apartment. it turned out - scandals all the time. Now I have to, but despite my efforts and discounts for the “illness”, and I am not a gift, and all my mother’s character difficulties have become hypertrophied, plus I have a baby in my arms, and I want to be a mother more time, and not a nurse. Life becomes more and more complicated, and conflicts cannot be prevented.

At the moment, my mother is taking Reminyl 16 mg, Akatinol-memantine 10 mg, Ciprolex and Afobazole (antidepressants), vitamins as prescribed by the doctor (she is a group 2 disabled person, but only Reminyl is prescribed for free).

The antidepressants she is currently taking do not help much (we are planning to switch to Paxil), lately she has often been remembering and reliving old grievances from her youth and childhood (life was very difficult), panic attacks occur at least 1-2 times a week, and Over the past 3 months I have already caught her twice with “false” recent memories. The first time (for this reason we took her away from her grandparents), she reported that her grandmother kicked her (although the grandmother is still active, she is simply physically incapable of doing this, even if we put aside all other reasons). And today, when everyone went together to visit her grandparents, she imagined that her grandfather gave her money and put it in her bag in front of her. The grandfather actually gave his grandson a small amount and told his mother about it, but the situation she describes did not exist. I specifically called my grandfather and clarified this, because my mother could not find the donated money and was very worried. At first we thought that they might have fallen out somewhere and were looking for them, but then doubt crept in. Grandfather said that he didn’t give her anything, my mother began to convince me that he did, saying that she herself saw how he put it in the bag, showed him exactly which bag, etc., they called grandfather again, he said again that no, I didn't. My mother didn’t believe my grandfather and said that he was saying that so that she wouldn’t be upset about the loss. I didn’t believe it the third time either (I talked to my grandfather the last 2 times). Then we discussed everything logically again, and I seemed to believe it. But now I’m sitting and thinking, I probably shouldn’t have proven to her that this didn’t happen, it would probably have been better to “put in” the money or agree that it was lost. Because then hysterics began: she cried and was very scared that this was happening to her, because the memory of this invented episode was very real. We talked for a long time, and I tried as best I could to calm her down and cheer her up, but apparently I couldn’t find the right words... Moreover, she knows firsthand what Alzheimer’s disease is and she is very scared. I try to dispel fears as best I can, I say that we will take care of her in any case and will do everything so that the disease develops more slowly, that in some people this disease stops for a long time, that we will not send her to a boarding school in any case, and if it becomes very difficult , then we will finish building the dacha and settle her there, hiring a nurse, etc. etc. But she is frightened by the disease itself and by the changes that she herself notices...

I'm sure many on this site have gone through this phase and may have been able to find words to comfort and encourage their loved ones. Please share your experience.

Best regards, Alena.