How to get along with your mother-in-law: simple rules. This gentle word is mother-in-law: how to find a common language with your husband’s mother

« Clever woman gains a daughter, but a fool loses a son.” You couldn't say it better, but not everything future daughter-in-law and the groom's mother have an idyllic relationship. And everyone is trying to prove that she is right. Find out better how to find mutual language with your mother-in-law and you won’t have to spend years futilely fighting with her.

Of course, when meeting a young man, you imagine yourself with him as a single whole, well, at least as independent people. You don’t even think that someone else, especially your mother-in-law, can interfere in your relationships and life. And so, having listened enough to your “experienced” friends or read horror stories on the forum, you react too violently to the very first remark (correct or not). Let's not consider the question of whether she (the mother of your loved one, by the way) has to say this and that. A priori he has, and even sometimes abuses, this right. Learn to start looking for the reason within yourself and be the first to go to peace.

Naturally, if your mother-in-law is a completely inadequate person, no one will force you to love her. But we will have to find a common language. If you want to live with her son. Forcing a husband to break off relations with his mother is not an option; it will come back to haunt him later on from his own children.

So, how to deal with your mother-in-law?

1. Don’t try to re-educate her - it’s unrealistic. And you have no right. Of course, if you are diametrically opposed personalities, it will be difficult for you to communicate, but it is impossible to mold a person who is older than you into your mold. Criticism and complaints to your husband are also inappropriate here. Be wiser, adapt yourself.

2. Don’t brush off her advice.– Teaching is a natural activity for a mother-in-law. If she doesn't do it tactfully, don't show your teeth. On the contrary, a conciliatory, restrained and friendly tone will give best result than the “wall to wall” tactics. Besides, you don’t have to cook borscht and wear your hair exactly the way she says. But you need to listen to her.

3. Find the good in her.- this woman simply cannot be absolutely bad, if only because she is the mother of your beloved husband. It also has her blood and will have it in your children. And don’t even think about reproaching your spouse during quarrels that he is “the same as his mommy.” Do you really want him to give up his mother and blood connection? This is blasphemous.

4. Be grateful- after all, this woman gave birth to such wonderful person, How is your husband! Stop perceiving your mother-in-law as a rival who is taking away your loved one, and then, perhaps, she will stop seeing you as a rival.

We hope these tips will help you find a common language with your mother-in-law and live in peace and harmony.

The relationship between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law is an eternal topic. Is it really possible for two women vying for the love of one man to find a compromise if their views on life are completely different? And is it necessary to look for it?

...Lisa hung up and winced with annoyance. Well, why did she tell her mother-in-law that she was at home and not doing anything? I had to lie that I was late at work because of an important report. And now, whether you like it or not, you will have to fulfill your family duty and lead small talk with my husband's mother. And why should she come to visit, knowing that her son is on a business trip?

“I’ll be a minute,” said Alla Nikolaevna, taking off her shoes in the hallway. - Will you treat me to tea?

Of course,” said Lisa. - Do you want green, as always?

Lisa kept green tea in the house only for the sake of her mother-in-law. However, she had never had the opportunity to buy this drink: her husband’s mother regularly brought all kinds of “milk oolong”, and “dragon’s tear”, and other tea delights. What teas are there: unrefined olive oil, foreign cheeses (smelly - no strength!), spinach pasta and other products that contradict Lisa’s food preferences appeared in the house solely thanks to her mother-in-law.

“The cookies are fresh, I bought them this morning,” said Lisa, pouring crumbly chicken into a vase.

Well, what cookies, God bless you! - Alla Nikolaevna waved her hands. - I just finished a course of anti-cellulite massage. Over the years, you know, overweight They began to leave more and more reluctantly, but they came quickly and for a long time. If you have dried apricots and honey, that’s good; if not, I’ll drink tea with a hole from the bagel.

Pouring tea into cups (in the presence of Alla Nikolaevna, the daughter-in-law courageously choked on green tea), Lisa wondered what the reason was for her mother-in-law to bring her to visit without a chance to see her beloved son. And she waited.

Today one of our colleagues came to work completely unrecognizable! - the guest said casually. - She dresses so-so - and suddenly she’s such a stylish little thing! Her figure is not without problems, she herself is always whining about her riding breeches, but here, well, no flaws are visible! We started asking her questions and found out that she had bought herself new wardrobe under the guidance of a shopper.

Whom? - asked Lisa. The meaning of the unfamiliar word interested her much more than magical transformation unknown woman.

A shopper is a specialist who helps create a wardrobe,” explained the mother-in-law. - So you go to the store and what do you usually buy? Typically, things similar to those you already have. Don’t think about it, this doesn’t only concern you – this is what most people do. That's why women often look unfashionable because they buy the same thing. Fashion, like your figure, changes, but your wardrobe does not. This is where you need a shopper: he understands trends and will help you update, taking into account your figure. This, by the way, is not the most accessible pleasure. I just thought: it’s your birthday soon. How about I give you the services of a shopper? You go shopping with him for a couple of hours, and he will pick out several sets of clothes for you that will be suitable for work and for special occasions. What do you think about that?

Alla Nikolaevna, do you really think that I dress so poorly? - Lisa asked, trying her best to hide her irritation.

“Well, no, I don’t think so,” the mother-in-law spoke somewhat too fussily. - But I think it’s very useful when someone looks at you with a fresh look and will tell you what suits you and what doesn’t. Especially if he is a specialist.

Why do you need a specialist if you have no desire to change anything? - Lisa asked, looking straight at her mother-in-law.

Alla Nikolaevna hesitated for a second, and then spoke, carefully choosing her words: “The question here is not only a matter of desire, but also of necessity. It's not specifically about you. Most of us think we know how to dress. But in fact, both at twenty and at forty they dress in the same style. And they don’t look as impressive and modern as they could. This is why an outside perspective is so important. And I don’t really understand why you were hostile to my proposal.”

What difference does it make to you whether I dress modernly or not? - Lisa asked defiantly. - Logically, the worse I look, the better for you. Men won’t look at me, which means your son’s nerves will be stronger.

Do you really think that Kirill takes pleasure in the fact that his wife looks out of date? - Alla Nikolaevna burst out.

Oh, that's it! - Lisa raised her eyebrows triumphantly. - So I still dress poorly?! Is this your opinion or Kirill’s? I think it’s yours, because when Kirill and I met, I dressed exactly the same.

That's it! – the mother-in-law said passionately. – Five years ago you dressed the same as you do now. What's wrong with keeping up with the times? You don’t live alone, you and Kirill go to visit, attend corporate events. He is not last man in her company, and the wife, with her appearance, greatly influences the image of her husband.

Well, everything is clear! – Lisa exhaled. – It turns out that I have a bad influence on your son’s image. And if he had a more impressive wife, he would have headed the company long ago, and would not have been hanging around among the senior managers - so do you think?

You shouldn’t be doing that,” said the mother-in-law, getting up from the table. “I’m worried about Kira too, and after five years you’ve become no stranger to me.” I really care what you wear and what you look like. And if I want to help, don’t take it as a desire to offend you. I just offered professional help, and that's okay. If our teeth hurt, we go to a specialist, right? Proper selection of a wardrobe is also a narrow knowledge that not everyone possesses.

But what if I don’t want to look the way you like? – Lisa did not let up. – Maybe this is my originality that you just don’t want to accept?

Maybe,” Alla Nikolaevna said sadly, putting on her shoes in the hallway. In front of the door she turned around: “My mother said that if fathers and children cannot find a common language, the one who is older is to blame.” Because he is wiser, which means he is obliged to find such words in order to be understood. I can't do it yet. Do not be angry with me. Kirill will call - say hi. Goodbye.

When the door closed behind her mother-in-law, the nervous Lisa walked into the dressing room and stared in puzzlement at the shelves filled with clothes. She was no longer threatened with a shopping trip with a shopper, but Lisa was not sure that she was the one who won in this situation.

On the next page is a psychologist's point of view on this situation.

Svetlana Gamzaeva, practicing psychologist, author of the “Spices of the Soul” project:

“In this story we have witnessed a fairly common problem in our families. psychological game. One participant tries at all costs to “do good to the other” in the way he understands it. And the other one is confused because he did not ask for any gift and perceives it as an inappropriate interference in his life. As psychotherapist Stephen Gross writes in his book The Art of Living, “Gifts can be quite harsh attempts to control people.”

And this story takes on a special poignancy because it is about a mother-in-law. This mother-in-law is an almost harmless heroine of various jokes, but with the mother-in-law everything is serious, because even the name of this family role something bloody. Many women can tell how their husband’s mother spoiled their blood.

Although an eternal war between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is, of course, not necessary. It occurs when both women fail to cope with the internal task of their age. And each stage of life really has its own internal tasks. U mature woman Having raised an adult son, one of these tasks is to let him go and bless him for an independent life, separate from her, a life with another woman. There is one famous parable of Solomon, how two women came to the king with a small child, and each proved that this baby was hers. And then Solomon suggested tearing the child into two parts and dividing it. Real mother was horrified by this proposal and gave up the child to the fake mother.

In the same way, a mother-in-law gives up her son to her daughter-in-law, because she is a mother and loves more. And he doesn’t want to tear his son apart and ruin his life. Giving in means accepting him, his family, wife, children, how they all dress, what they eat and what color their wallpaper is.

Well, the daughter-in-law has her own tasks. To mature. Learn not to slip into childhood traumatic experiences, into imposed scenarios. Take responsibility for yourself and don’t get stuck in the role of a victim.

And in this story, Lisa finds herself in the role of the victim. She is unable to talk about her needs. She courageously chokes on her unloved tea in the presence of Alla Nikolaevna, instead of saying that she simply doesn’t drink green tea. It seems that she is not at all able to say “no” to an uninvited guest. “Sorry, Kirill is on a business trip, and I would like to be alone tonight, this is important to me.” And this stinking cheese... Lisa commits a whole series of small betrayals towards herself. And it accumulates irritation within itself, which turns into uncertainty and resentment.

It turns out that each of these women fails to cope with their internal task, which prevents them from constructively resolving the conflicts that arise between them.”

When a girl gets married, then together with beautiful wedding photos, new family responsibilities and the status of “wife”, she automatically acquires an updated list of relatives, and the mother of the newly-made husband becomes, for most of them, a quiet horror.

Achieve friendly and warm relations With mother-in-law, few people succeed; most young wives, over time, move from the stage of “cold acquaintance” to the stage of “I don’t want to communicate with your mother anymore” or “let her come to us!”

What kind of nightmare stories do young daughters-in-law tell about their mothers-in-law, attributing them to furies from hell, of course, after all, about the calm and friendly family, most of them can only dream. What to hide, mothers-in-law also do not remain in debt and, sometimes, without even realizing it, they confidently destroy all the minimal opportunities for reconciliation between the two “enemy” camps.

“How long will she teach me?”, “Why does she interfere in the upbringing of our child?”, “She is not my mother!”, “I can’t live in the same territory with her anymore!” Sound familiar? Surely, maybe not exactly like this and not in this form, but something similar arose in your family, since you decided to read an article with that title. How to find a common language with your mother-in-law? This question interests many young wives, because conflict situations with my husband’s mother is far from news, and not only in our country.

Unfortunately, not every daughter-in-law really tries to improve relations with her mother-in-law; after several failures or not the warmest reception, she already sets herself up to be hostile towards her mother-in-law and looks for the path of least resistance: she simply avoids communication.

And it’s okay if it all ends there, but things go further: the young wife begins to interfere with her husband’s communication with his mother, does not allow the children to visit their grandmother, and does not at all accept conversations about her at home. This, of course, is the extreme point, which acts like a time bomb: scandals begin in the family, the mother pulls her son “back to the family,” while the wife, on the contrary, pulls him in her direction.

And to my husband, at least break up. And, what is most unfortunate, a man, in the end, through suffering and hassle, can choose his mother. And not because he doesn’t love you, but because there are only one parents and there will be no others, but you can choose a wife. Whatever one may say, the daughter-in-law remains in the red, so improving relations with the mother-in-law is best case scenario yours family relations from any side.

What should I do?

First, you need to put yourself in your mother-in-law's shoes. From a psychological point of view, this is very effective method in a situation of any conflict, because only in this way will it be possible to understand why a person acts this way and not otherwise.

Your mother-in-law is, first of all, the mother of your loved one, which means a close, respected and dear person to him.

If you are already a mother yourself, then you must understand with what trepidation your mother-in-law treats your husband, because he is her son, beloved and dear. She carried him, gave birth to him and raised him, empathized with his successes and failures, calmed him down and read him bedtime stories, took him by the hand to school and refused new boots to buy him a toy.

Now her son has grown up, some strange girl came and took him with her, took her mother’s place, pushing her into the background. It's unpleasant, isn't it? Believe me, our mother-in-law, like you, needs time to get used to her daughter-in-law, get to know her better and form her own opinion.

This, in fact, is that unplowed field, when the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law are still new to each other, the latter must prove herself here the best way, treat with understanding and gratitude the woman who gave you such a beloved and dear husband.

Smile at her once again, take an interest in her affairs and mood; if you are expecting a first acquaintance, then try not to sit at the table opposite your mother-in-law, but rather find a seat somewhere next to her.

A mother is always worried about her son, even if he is already 40 years old, he is still an object of adoration for her. Try to show that you, like her, want only the best for her son, take care of your husband, show affection, once again ask his mother what he likes, what is best for him to cook for dinner and how best to fold his things.

What’s interesting is that no one forces you to unquestioningly follow all the recommendations and teachings of your mother-in-law, you can listen and put it aside, but the woman will be pleased to know that her opinion is important to you. The most serious difficulties begin when a young family begins to live with the husband's parents. There is a common life and territory here, which not all housewives manage to share.

There are cases when the mother-in-law, without realizing it, steps beyond the bounds of reason, enters the newlyweds’ room without knocking, makes plans for the weekend according to her own scenario, including the young family, without asking their consent. In these and others similar situations, it is necessary to establish strict rules that will apply to all family members.

As for the household, sometimes the division of labor policy helps: someone buys food, cooks dinner, and someone does the laundry, cleans and washes the windows. If two women have different views on housekeeping, then there is most likely only one option: to scatter to different homes.

And, by the way, this does not mean that your mother-in-law is bad, it’s just that each of you is used to living in your own way, and there is nothing wrong with that. Even if, living in different apartments, your mother-in-law manages to arrange Sunday “checks” of your home, do not be angry, but treat it with humor, because she is not doing this out of malice, but, thus, is trying to help you run the household.

By the way, older women most often turn out to be more experienced than younger wives, so sometimes it may be worth listening to their instructions and recommendations.

What not to do?

• Intervene in conflict situations between your husband and his mother. They are adults, close relatives, so they can figure it out without your participation. In private, you can tell your spouse where he is wrong or his mother is wrong, but not in the midst of a conflict.
• Set your husband against his family. Often, young mothers, if they have not found a common language with their mother-in-law, refuse to trust their children, believing that their grandmother is not capable of raising them properly or looking after them. Think about it, this woman raised your husband the way he is, she certainly has more experience and knowledge than young girl. Don’t quarrel over extra candy or because your child went to bed an hour late; remember, you were also spoiled as a child, and nothing bad happened because of this.
• Remember constant scandals, quarrels and showdowns will definitely not lead to anything good. Try to talk to your mother-in-law calmly, explain what you don’t like and what you don’t agree with, and offer a compromise. Try to better understand this woman, why does she act one way or another in a particular situation? To do this, ask your husband about her life, hobbies and preferences. If you are tolerant, learn to give in and treat certain situations wisely, then, over time, your mother-in-law will still turn into a dear and close person.

« Mother in law": from Old Church Slavonic, "one's own blood." A previously stranger's woman became my own. It has become something, but mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationship wish to be better. How to find a common language with your mother-in-law?

Mother-in-law and daughter-in-law: in the struggle for a man

First, it is important to understand: what life circumstances provoke misunderstanding between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law?

Where are the roots of claims and grievances on both sides?

There are an unlimited number of situations, external reasons for misunderstanding, domestic quarrels, omissions and dissatisfaction: “You are incompetent and a bad housewife”, “Who is that!..” - the list goes on.

But there are not so many reasons for unkind relations between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law. Or rather, the main thing is one: the struggle for a man, the ordinary jealousy of two women. Behind the rejection of each other very often lies the mother-in-law's - and uselessness, and the daughter-in-law's - desire to take a strong position in the new family.

The son has grown up, the mother-in-law has not yet had time to come to terms with this. The woman devoted her entire life to her child. So now he is trying to maintain the illusion that his son is still small, which means he needs to be looked after, controlled and taught. And sometimes the daughter-in-law is simply jealous of her son, like an ordinary woman, especially if there is no husband nearby, or the relationship with the husband is bad.

If the same “blanket” begins to tear at the daughter-in-law, she also begins to be jealous of the husband towards his mother, conflict in the family is guaranteed. Moreover, the victim will be precisely the man whom the two women love so fiercely. Quarrels will eventually begin to develop into scandals, and who will benefit from this? The correct answer is: no one - in such a struggle there are no winners or losers.

It’s better to try to look at your mother-in-law from a different perspective: she is the woman who gave birth, raised and raised our beloved man. And for this reason alone he deserves our respect and desire to make communication as pleasant as possible.

Mother-in-law and daughter-in-law: open confrontation

Of course, it happens that conflict cannot be avoided. For example, when a mother-in-law behaves unceremoniously: she enters the bedroom without knocking, disrupts the plans of a young family, does not take into account the opinion and desires of her daughter-in-law, does everything in the house “her own way,” every now and then offends and humiliates her daughter-in-law, without being embarrassed expressions.

Of course, during “demonstration performances” it is difficult to prove that you are right. Yes, this is not necessary. As they say, keep quiet and you will pass for smart. It is better, after listening to everything that the mother-in-law says, to agree with her or say that we will do it later. After this, to calm down your emotions, you can take a walk, do a pleasant activity, or switch to something that brings joy.

In situations where the mother-in-law is trying to redo everything in her daughter-in-law’s house “in her own way,” you can ask the husband to delicately talk to her about the fact that everyone has their own tastes and preferences: in the mother’s family, the young ones will adapt to her rules, in the son’s family they develop own orders and traditions.

But sooner or later (and better – sooner!) it will be necessary serious conversation, as a result of which roles in the family can be redistributed, clear boundaries are defined in the relations between two completely different “units of society”, and the status of the young husband and wife is strengthened.

There is no need to be afraid of such a conversation: it is much worse when we accumulate grievances within ourselves for a long time. Sooner or later they cause such an “explosion”, after which it is extremely difficult, if not impossible, to establish normal relationships or communication.

During important conversation It’s better if my husband is nearby and supports us. It is important to follow certain rules.

• Communication should be correct, calm, without reproaches or accusations. In no case do we insult our mother-in-law or get personal. You cannot cross the line after which there is no way back to a normal relationship.
• Try not to succumb to your mother-in-law’s manipulations: “I feel bad,” “nobody needs me,” “you are ungrateful,” etc. Calmly, but specifically point out the inappropriate behavior of the mother-in-law, her invasion of personal territory, and gradually introduce your own rules.
• Try to prevent the conflict from developing into a protracted war. Such a war is destructive not only for the conflicting parties, but also for the younger generation. After all, children love everyone: mom, dad, grandparents. And only in happy family Happy people can grow up.

Mother-in-law and daughter-in-law: the key to friendship is diplomacy

In situations where there is no open conflict in the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, but there are omissions, discontent,It is better to adhere to diplomatic rules in communication.

• Tell her what you don’t like about your mother-in-law’s behavior personally, one on one. At the same time, we try to confirm what is said with specific facts, be correct, talk about our feelings using “I-statements”: “I feel unpleasant/offended/don’t like...when you...”, “When you..., I feel... because... »
• Under no circumstances do we put our husband before a choice: “Which side are you on?”, “Either me or your mother!” This will only provoke or intensify conflict.
• We never humiliate or scold our husband in front of our mother-in-law, otherwise she perceives it as a personal insult. Don't forget: this is her son! Let's remember how we are able to relate to our child's offenders.
• We don’t give too much of great importance claims and cavils, especially if they are clearly exaggerated. Let us remain calm, patient and wise. You can refer to an urgent matter and leave, or laugh it off. Sometimes it is useful to philosophize about the topic at hand. And most often, conflict does not arise in such situations.

In many cases, the relationship between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law improves when we simply giveto my husband's mother what she doesn't get:

1. If the mother-in-law feels lonely and abandoned when her son creates own family, you should pay more attention to her, show concern: visit her, call her on the phone, send greetings, give gifts and souvenirs, take an interest in her affairs, ask about her well-being, encourage her, say that she is loved.

2. If the mother-in-law is afraid that her son will not be happy with a woman like us, we show her our love for her husband: we surround her with warmth and affection, hug, kiss.

3. If the mother-in-law simply wants to feel needed, you can ask her questions, seek advice, ask for help with the child, etc. It is sometimes useful to talk one-on-one with your mother-in-law “about ours, about women’s things.” During this time, you can understand what can unite us with my husband’s mother, on what issues we are unanimous.

4. If the mother-in-law is retired and doesn’t know what to do with herself, and therefore is trying to “manage” her son’s family, you can offer her hobbies: photography (it would be nice too), caring for animals (giving a puppy or kitten), knitting, joint travel, collecting, internet, etc. For this, of course, it is important to know what exactly can captivate the mother-in-law.

And two more important points.

It is necessary to forgive insults, especially to the mother-in-law - “one of our own by blood.” Accumulated grievances not only spoil relationships, but also harm our health.

Let's imagine ourselves in the future: when we reach , we will become mothers-in-law or mothers-in-law. Surely we too will be sorry to part with our children; it’s hard to feel like we belong or are useless. How would we like our daughters-in-law to treat us? This is what you should do with your mothers-in-law!

Mother-in-law... there is so much in this sound! They say that this word translated from the ancient Slavic language means “one’s own blood,” that is, a person who has become one’s own. For some it is fantasy, but for others it is a happy reality. Is it possible to achieve this? Let's try to figure it out.

With " happy reality" all clear. What to do if the relationship doesn't work out? First, it’s worth understanding the reasons. Of course, situations are different, but in practice, often the reason for the confrontation between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is the fight for a man. The one who is the son of one of them, and the husband of the other.

External reasons for quarrels can be different: “You are a bad housewife”, “Why did the mother-in-law decide to dig potatoes right when we are going on a picnic?”, “My son is not used to eating sandwiches!” etc. In most cases, behind mutual rejection is, on the one hand, fear of loneliness, a feeling of uselessness, abandonment, stress from the fact that the way of life has changed. On the other hand, there is a desire to assert oneself, to firmly take one’s position in one’s own recently created family.

How to establish a peaceful relationship with your mother-in-law? To begin with, take for granted the fact that she is a truly significant person not only for her husband, but also for you. Of course, you have the right to your own opinion about this or that person... But it’s still worth showing respect to your spouse’s mother, at least for the fact that she gave the world (and you) such wonderful man! This is the very first, although perhaps the most difficult moment on the path to mutual understanding.

The second moment is the battlefield. Often the husband becomes a buffer between his wife and mother. Both complain to him about each other and call for active actions. As a result, often a quarrel that begins between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law turns into a scandal between spouses. And this is already dangerous. To avoid such a turn of events, you should act as follows:

It’s better to tell her what you don’t like about your mother-in-law’s behavior personally, bypassing “intermediaries.” At the same time, try to remain correct and also use “I” statements. It is advisable that your complaints contain a statement of facts, a description of the situation and your feelings (“When you... I feel unpleasant/offended/don’t like...”). This will help avoid getting personal and further flaring up the quarrel.

If you want to throw out your emotions and experiences, then it is preferable to pour out your soul to your friend. No matter how trusting your relationship with your husband is, in this case he is not the best advisor. Do not forget that the person who is now an enemy for you is for him dear mother. Presenting him with a choice: “Which side are you on?” - means driving into a dead end situation. This may lead to new conflicts.

Don't attach too much importance to claims. Sometimes they are really exaggerated and have the nature of nitpicking. But despite this, try to find the strength to be forgiving and wise. This might help good joke, turning the conversation into a philosophical direction, a suddenly appearing “urgent” matter... Such techniques in most cases reduce the conflict to nothing. In addition, diplomacy and decent behavior will increase your rating in the eyes of others.

Along with this, in some cases it makes sense not to avoid an imposed quarrel, but to “take the fight.” Open confrontation can contribute to a new arrangement of positions in the family, establishing clear boundaries between parents and adult children, and affirming the status of a young husband and wife. But here it is very important, firstly, not to cross the line, and, secondly, not to turn the conflict into a protracted war. There will be no winners. But the losses are obvious to all its participants. It is also possible to establish family boundaries in a relatively peaceful manner. To do this, you need to calmly and firmly make it clear that you are now a separate “cell of society” capable of existing independently. You make decisions together, make plans together, and decide who and when to turn to for advice. Manipulation by relatives is possible here. Well, “hold the line.” This is a test of the strength of your new family.

Point three: how to build bridges? The choice of ways and means to establish peaceful relationships depends on the characteristics of a particular situation. Maybe the mother-in-law feels abandoned after her son left for new family? Then you should pay more attention to her and show care. And these are not necessarily visits and long, detailed conversations. You can communicate on the phone, send greetings, show interest in business, give small gifts for no reason. Sometimes simple phrases can work miracles: “How are you feeling?”, “Everything will be fine,” “You’re doing great,” “We love you.” Or maybe the mother-in-law is driven by fear for her son: “Will he be happy with his wife?”?

Try to show your spouse’s mother your love for him: hug, kiss, and surround him with warmth and affection more often. If she is clearly convinced that her beloved son is loved, cared for and cherished, the tension will subside. Often, mothers-in-law are driven by the need to be needed. It seems good aspiration, but it often causes problems. Then your requests and requests, questions, requests for advice, etc. will come to the rescue. By satisfying her desire to be in demand, you will be able to win over your mother-in-law. In addition, for some mothers, after their sons marry, the meaning of life disappears: they have nothing to do, nothing to strive for... In this case, you can look for and offer some kind of hobby: photography, embroidery, hiking, cooking, collecting, etc. A good option– give a puppy or kitten (if, of course, the mother-in-law loves animals).

Point four: looking to the future. Try to mentally transport yourself to the future and imagine yourself as a mother-in-law. How do you behave, what do you say, what do you feel and what do you want? What are you missing? What are you striving for? What upsets you? What motivates you? How would you resolve conflicts with your daughter-in-law? What advice could you give her? This exercise helps you slightly rise above the situation, look at it from the outside, distract yourself and “cool down.” After all, we are all human. And man, as we know, is not an ideal creature and is capable of making mistakes. And if it were not for the ability to forgive, it would be difficult to achieve mutual understanding.