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How to raise an independent child: the method of a lazy mother. How to raise an independent child: the method of a lazy mother Lazy mother or an independent child read

How many funny and sad stories have we heard about how adult uncles and aunts are brought to a mom's interview? How do graduates go to the admissions office hand in hand with their grandmother? All these problems grow from childhood, in which parents are shaking over their children, do not sleep at night, get tired of a huge number of things.

Anna Bykova is sure: you can do without sleepless nights, and without scandals and whims. To do this, you need to raise independent children, those who will not need the help of their parents.

How to be a lazy parent

In fact, laziness with this approach is cunning. True laziness does not smell here. Raising children who do not need constant supervision requires enormous labor costs from parents.

Mom's "laziness" at the base should have concern for children, and not indifference.
Anna Bykova

A child can become independent only because he has to. For example, if he is left to himself all the time and there is no time to take care of him. But such independence loses in terms of the level of development of consciously brought up, when parents do everything so that the child stops needing them as soon as possible.

Let's analyze the basic principles of a lazy mom.

Never do for a child what he can do for himself.

Not to do for the child what he can already do is, in fact, not to interfere. For example, at a year and a half a child can handle a spoon, and at three - get dressed, put away toys, at five - heat breakfast in the microwave, at seven - return from school and do homework on their own. Why doesn't the child do this?

Yes, because his parents do not allow this, for whom it is easier and faster to feed, clothe, collect, bring by the hand.

Children are actually smarter than they seem. And a hungry child will not refuse porridge, and a tired child will not fall asleep with a scandal. The parents' job is only to help: give porridge, read a fairy tale, suggest what the weather is like outside and what is better to wear.

How to find out what a child can

Since all children are different, the timing of development is individual. Nowhere have tables been published that indicate at what age a child can be given a knife, and at what age they can be sent to the store for bread.

When hands reach out to do something for the baby, ask yourself the question: why can't the child do it himself? It is one thing - he cannot physically, because motor skills are not developed, because he is tired, because he is sick. This is where parenting comes into play.

Another thing is that he cannot, because he does not want to, requires attention, is capricious. In this case, you need to talk, reassure, suggest, but do nothing extra.

And, finally, if the child simply does not yet know how, he must be taught.

Teach your child, don't do it for him

You need to teach the child according to the scheme “show → do it together → let it be done with a hint → let it be done by yourself”. Moreover, the points “do together” or “do with a hint” will have to be repeated far more than once.

Before my eight-month-old son began to properly slide off the high sofa, I turned him in the right direction, probably five hundred times. At the age of three, it was enough to show ten times how the mop works, and once to check that the child was enthusiastically mopping the floors. At the age of five, watching how dad works with side cutters, the child skips the “do it together” stage and uses the tool correctly.

A lazy parent is willing to spend hours and days to make the house safe and teach the child to play on his own.

But then he will enjoy the opportunity to sleep on the weekend, because the child will not rush to mom and dad immediately after getting up.

Help solve the problem, do not solve for the child

When a small person is given big tasks, it is logical to hear in response that he “can’t”. How can you cut a bowl of lettuce when there's a whole mountain of vegetables? Ordinary parents will cut themselves, lazy ones will go the other way.

They will help break down the task into smaller ones. For example, first cut only cucumbers, then only tomatoes, and then only greens remain.

Allow your child to make mistakes.

A child, mastering a new business, will make a lot of mistakes, even if the lesson seems nonsense to an adult. You have to find a button inside yourself that will turn off criticism. Of course, a three-year-old kid with a mop will not wash the floor, but only wet it.

Lazy parents will not take away a bucket of water. They will praise the child, thank for the help. In the meantime, the child is watching a cartoon, they will quietly wipe the puddles. Lazy people will not scold a child for the wrong type of tea in the store or for a jacket that is too light for the weather.

Because any mistake is an experience, and only experience can make a person independent.

Give your child a choice

For a child to be independent, he needs to choose. And choose for real, without cheating. Ask your child to choose their own clothes in which he will go for a walk. Buy cereal for breakfast. Decide how to spend the day off and which section to go to after class.

You will have to look closely at the child and trust him, be there and lend a shoulder.

It's harder than doing it all on your own. But with this approach, every day it will be easier to be parents.

Think about every "don't"

Some of the bans are necessary because we care about the safety of the child. But sometimes behind the word “no” is a concern for your own convenience. It is easier to forbid a child to pick up a watering can than to teach him to water.

A child can overturn a flower, scatter the earth, can flood a flower, and water will flow over the edge of the pot. But this is how, through actions, the child learns to coordinate movements, understand the consequences and correct mistakes.
Anna Bykova

Therefore, “no” can only be that which is unsafe. For example, eating with dirty hands or crossing the road in the wrong place.

When once again a hard “no” is ready to jump off your tongue, stop, think, answer yourself the question: “Why not?”
Anna Bykova

If it’s impossible because it’s more convenient for you, then you won’t see the happiness of a lazy parent for a long time.

Get your child interested

For a child, any process is a game. As soon as he stops playing, you can force him to do something only with threats, punishments, intimidation and other evil spirits that are better not to be dragged into family relationships.

It is desirable that the child get the experience of independence on the wave of “Wow, how interesting to try!”
Anna Bykova

When a child can do something, but does not want to, interest him. Spilled water? We take a mop to scrub the deck of your ship like a real sailor. The same game gets boring quickly, so you have to stretch your imagination and offer different options.

We cannot be perfect parents, but our task is to make sure that the child stops needing us. This is probably enough.

Specific advice and examples from pedagogical experience are in the book. Read and enjoy lazily.

The article "Why I'm a Lazy Mom", published a few years ago, is still roaming the Internet. She bypassed all the popular parent forums and communities.

Caused a storm of controversy and discussion. It turns out that many people today are concerned about the independence of children, the problem of infantility of the younger generation. Child and family psychologist Anna Bykova offers her own view on this issue. In order for your child to become independent, conditions are also needed. After all, if you always prompt, help and advise, he will never learn to do anything himself. Therefore, it is simply necessary to periodically turn on the “lazy mother”, realizing that this is done in the interests of the child.

Anna Bykova

Independent child, or How to become a "lazy mom"

When is it worth helping a child, and when is it better to refrain from it?

How to turn off the perfectionist mom and turn on the lazy mom

What is dangerous overprotection and how to avoid it

What to do if the child says: "I can't"

How to make a child believe in himself

What is coaching education Preface This is a book about simple, but not at all obvious things.

The infantilism of young people has become a real problem today. Today's parents have so much energy that it is enough to live life also for their children, participating in all their affairs, making decisions for them, planning their lives, solving their problems. The question is, is it necessary for the children themselves? And isn't this an escape from your life into the life of a child?

This is a book about how to remember yourself, allow yourself to be not only a parent, find a resource to go beyond this life role. The book is about how to get rid of feelings of anxiety and the desire to control everything. How to cultivate the readiness to let the child go into an independent life.

A light ironic style and an abundance of examples make the reading process fascinating. This is a story book, a thought book. The author does not indicate: “Do this, this and that”, but calls for reflection, draws analogies, draws attention to various circumstances and possible exceptions to the rules. I think the book can help people who suffer from parental perfectionism to get rid of the obsessive and painful feelings of guilt, which in no way contribute to the establishment of harmonious relationships with children.

This is a smart and kind book about how to become a good mother and teach a child to be independent in life.

Vladimir Kozlov, President of the International Academy of Psychological Sciences, Doctor of Psychological Sciences, Professor Introduction The article “Why I am a lazy mother”, published several years ago, is still roaming the Internet. She bypassed all the popular parent forums and communities. I even had a VKontakte group “Anna Bykova. Lazy mom."

The topic of raising independence in a child, which I then touched upon, was very heatedly discussed, and now, after publication on some popular resource, disputes constantly arise, people leave hundreds and thousands of comments.

I am a lazy mom. And also selfish and careless, as it may seem to some. Because I want my children to be independent, proactive and responsible. So, it is necessary to give the child the opportunity to show these qualities. And in this case, my laziness acts as a natural brake on excessive parental activity. That activity, which is manifested in the desire to make life easier for the child, doing everything for him. I oppose a lazy mother to a hyper-mother - that is, one in which everything is “hyper”: hyperactivity, hyper-anxiety and hyper-protection. Part 1

Why am I a lazy mom?

I am a lazy mother While working in a kindergarten, I saw many examples of parental overprotection. I especially remember one three-year-old boy - Slavik. Anxious parents believed that at the table he was obliged to eat everything. And then he will lose weight. For some reason, in their system of values, it was very scary to lose weight, although Slavik's height and plump cheeks did not cause concern about a lack of body weight. I don’t know how and what they fed him at home, but he came to kindergarten with a clear loss of appetite. Trained by a tough parental attitude “You need to eat everything to the end!”, He mechanically chewed and swallowed what was put on the plate! Moreover, he had to be fed, because “he still does not know how to eat” (!!!).

At the age of three, Slavik really did not know how to eat on his own - he did not have such experience. And on the first day of Slavik's stay in kindergarten, I feed him and observe a complete absence of emotions. I bring a spoon - he opens his mouth, chews, swallows. Another spoon - again opens his mouth, chews, swallows ... I must say that the cook in the garden was not particularly successful in porridge. The porridge turned out to be “anti-gravity”: if you turn the plate over, then, contrary to the laws of gravity, it remained in it, sticking to the bottom in a dense mass. On that day, many children refused to eat porridge, and I understand them perfectly. Slavik ate almost everything.

I ask:

- Do you like porridge?

Opens mouth, chews, swallows.

- Want more? I bring the spoon.

- Not. Opens mouth, chews, swallows.

If you don't like it, don't eat it! I say.

Slavik's eyes widened in surprise. He didn't know it was possible. What you may or may not want. What you can decide for yourself: eat up or leave. What can you say about your desires. And what can be expected: others will reckon with your desires.

There is a wonderful anecdote about parents who know better than the child himself what he needs.

- Petya, go home immediately!

"Mom, am I cold?"

- No, you're hungry! At first, Slavik enjoyed the right to refuse food and drank only compote. Then he began to ask for an addition when he liked the dish, and calmly pushed the plate away if the dish was unloved. He had the freedom to choose. And then we stopped feeding him with a spoon, and he began to eat himself. Because food is a natural need. And a hungry child will always eat itself.

I am a lazy mom. I was too lazy to feed my children for a long time. In a year, I handed them a spoon and sat down to eat next to them. At a year and a half, my children were already wielding a fork. Of course, before the habit of independent eating was finally formed, it was necessary to wash the table, the floor, and the child himself after each meal. But this is my conscious choice between “too lazy to teach, it’s better to do everything myself quickly” and “too lazy to do it myself, I’d rather spend my efforts on learning”. Another natural need is to pee. Slavik was urinating in his pants. Slavik's mother reacted to our legitimate bewilderment in the following way: she asked to take the child to the toilet by the clock - every two hours. “I put him on a potty at home and keep him until he does all the work.” That is, a three-year-old child expected that in kindergarten, as at home, he would be taken to the toilet and persuaded to “do things”. Without waiting for an invitation, he puffed up his pants, and it didn’t even occur to him that his wet pants should be taken off and changed, and for this he should turn to the teacher for help. If parents anticipate all the wishes of the child, the child will not learn to understand his needs and ask for help for a long time.

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Anna Bykova
Independent child, or How to become a "lazy mom"

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From this book you will learn:

How to teach a child to fall asleep in his crib, put away toys and dress

When is it worth helping a child, and when is it better to refrain from it?

How to turn off the perfectionist mom and turn on the lazy mom

What is dangerous overprotection and how to avoid it

What to do if the child says: "I can't"

How to make a child believe in himself

What is Coaching Parenting?

Foreword

This is a book about simple, but completely non-obvious things.

This is a smart and kind book about how to become a good mother and teach a child to be independent in life.

Vladimir Kozlov, President of the International Academy of Psychological Sciences, Doctor of Psychology, Professor

Introduction

The article "Why I'm a Lazy Mom", published a few years ago, is still roaming the Internet. She bypassed all the popular parent forums and communities. I even had a VKontakte group “Anna Bykova. Lazy mom."

Part 1
Why am I a lazy mom?

I am a lazy mom

Working in a kindergarten, I have seen many examples of parental overprotection. I especially remember one three-year-old boy - Slavik. Anxious parents believed that at the table he was obliged to eat everything. And then he will lose weight. For some reason, in their system of values, it was very scary to lose weight, although Slavik's height and plump cheeks did not cause concern about a lack of body weight. I don’t know how and what they fed him at home, but he came to kindergarten with a clear loss of appetite. Trained by a tough parental attitude “You need to eat everything to the end!”, He mechanically chewed and swallowed what was put on the plate! Moreover, he had to be fed, because “he still does not know how to eat” (!!!).

I ask:

- Do you like porridge?

Opens mouth, chews, swallows.

- Want more? I bring the spoon.

Opens mouth, chews, swallows.

If you don't like it, don't eat it! I say.

There is a wonderful anecdote about parents who know better than the child himself what he needs.

- Petya, go home immediately!

"Mom, am I cold?"

- No, you're hungry!

At first, Slavik enjoyed the right to refuse food and drank only compote. Then he began to ask for an addition when he liked the dish, and calmly pushed the plate away if the dish was unloved. He had the freedom to choose. And then we stopped feeding him with a spoon, and he began to eat himself. Because food is a natural need. And a hungry child will always eat itself.

Another natural need is to pee. Slavik was urinating in his pants. Slavik's mother reacted to our legitimate bewilderment in the following way: she asked to take the child to the toilet by the clock - every two hours. “I put him on a potty at home and keep him until he does all the work.” That is, a three-year-old child expected that in kindergarten, as at home, he would be taken to the toilet and persuaded to “do things”. Without waiting for an invitation, he puffed up his pants, and it didn’t even occur to him that his wet pants should be taken off and changed, and for this he should turn to the teacher for help.

If parents anticipate all the wishes of the child, the child will not learn to understand his needs and ask for help for a long time.

A week later, the problem of wet pants was solved naturally. "I want to write!" - Slavik proudly informed the group, heading to the toilet bowl.

No pedagogical magic. Physiologically, the boy's body at that time was already ripe in order to control the process. Slavik knew when it was time for him to go to the toilet, and even more so he could reach the toilet. Probably, he could have started doing this earlier, but at home the adults were ahead of him, seating him on the potty even before the child realized his need. But what was appropriate at the age of one or two years, to continue at the age of three, of course, was not worth it.

In kindergarten, all children begin to eat on their own, go to the toilet on their own, dress on their own and come up with their own activities. They also get used to asking for help if they cannot solve their problems.

I do not urge to send children to kindergarten as early as possible. On the contrary, I think that the child is better at home until the age of three or four. I'm just talking about reasonable parental behavior, in which the child is not strangled with overprotection, but leaves him space for development.

Once a friend came to visit me with a two-year-old child and stayed overnight. Exactly at 21.00 she went to put him to bed. The child did not want to sleep, struggled, stubborn, but the mother insistently kept him in bed. I tried to distract my friend:

I don't think he wants to sleep yet.

(Of course, he doesn’t want to. They came recently, there is someone to play with, new toys - everything is interesting to him!)

But her friend, with enviable persistence, continued to put him down ... The confrontation lasted more than an hour, and as a result, her child fell asleep. Following him, my child fell asleep. It's simple: when tired, he climbed into his bed and fell asleep.

I am a lazy mom. I'm too lazy to keep the baby in bed. I know that sooner or later he will fall asleep on his own, because sleep is a natural need.

On weekends, I like to sleep. On weekdays, my working day starts at 6.45, because at 7.00, when the kindergarten opens, the first child is already standing at the front door, brought by dad hurrying to work. Getting up early is cruel for an owl. And every morning, meditating over a cup of coffee, I calm my inner “owl” that Saturday will give us the opportunity to sleep.

One Saturday I woke up at about eleven. My son, two and a half years old, sat and watched a cartoon, chewing a gingerbread. He turned on the TV himself (it's not difficult - press the button), he also found a DVD with the cartoon himself. He also found kefir and corn flakes. And, judging by the cereal scattered on the floor, by the spilled kefir and the dirty plate in the sink, he had a healthy breakfast and cleaned up after himself as best he could.

The older child (he is 8 years old) was no longer at home. Yesterday he took time off with a friend and his parents to the cinema. I am a lazy mom. I told my son that I was too lazy to get up too early on Saturday, because by doing so I would deprive myself of the precious opportunity to sleep, which I have been waiting for all week. If he wants to go to the cinema, let him set the alarm himself, get up and get ready himself. You must have not slept...

(In fact, I also set an alarm clock - I set a vibrating alert and listened through my sleep as my child was getting ready. When the door closed behind him, I began to wait for an SMS from my friend’s mother that my child had reached and everything was fine, but for him it was all left behind frame.)

And I'm too lazy to check my briefcase, backpack for sambo and too lazy to dry my son's things after the pool. I am also too lazy to do homework with him (unless he asks for help). I'm too lazy to take out the trash, so my son throws out the trash on the way to school. And I also have the audacity to ask my son to make me tea and bring it to the computer. I suspect that every year I will become lazier ...

An amazing metamorphosis happens to children when a grandmother comes to us. And since she lives far away, she comes immediately for a week. My eldest immediately forgets that he knows how to do his homework himself, warm up his own lunch, make his own sandwich, pack his own bag and go to school in the morning. And now he’s even afraid to fall asleep alone: a grandmother should sit next to him! And our grandmother is not lazy ...

Children are not independent if it is beneficial for adults.

The history of the "lazy mom"

“Tell me, are you a lazy mom?” - it was quite unexpected to receive such a question on a social network. What's this? Some kind of promotion? A nursery rhyme by Yakov Akim came to mind about a poor postman on a mission related to a letter without a specific address: “Hand over to Neumeyka.”

And what to answer? Justify? List all your skills, abilities and responsibilities? Or maybe send a copy of the work book?

Just in case, I'll clarify:

"In terms of?"

And the question is put in a different way:

Oh yes, then it's me...

But initially it was not an article. At one of the many psychological forums, far from being the most popular, the topic of infantilism of the younger generation and its causes was raised. And even more broadly - about the inferiority and weakness of this generation. In short, all the laments of the commentators could be reduced to a paraphrased quote from the classic: “After all, there were children in our time!” Or to another classic saying: “Yes, I was at their age ...” After which there were transfers: “at the age of five I ran to the dairy kitchen for baby food for my brother”, “at seven years old I took my brother from kindergarten”, “at ten years old my duty was to cook dinner for the whole family.

I remember I allowed myself to speak ironically about the direct relationship between the behavior of children and the behavior of parents: “If mothers were a little more lazy and did not do everything for the children, then the children would have to become more independent.” But if you think about it, it really is. After all, children over the past decades have not become really worse. They did not become physically weaker and did not lose the ability to work. However, they have fewer opportunities to demonstrate their ability to act independently. Why? Because children's independence has ceased to be a vital need for the family, a need that frees mother's hands and mother's time to earn their daily bread. Moreover, in the perception of many parents, independence has become synonymous with danger. And children - they are not just children, but children of their parents, that is, they are part of the family system, where all elements are interconnected. When the behavior of the parents changes, the behavior of the children also changes accordingly. If everything is done for the child, then he will not have incentives for development. And vice versa, if adults stop doing for the child what he is already capable of, then the child begins to independently realize the emerging needs.

From discussions on the forum, from life examples when laziness was opposed to overprotection, blog entries appeared - just to collect thoughts in a pile. And suddenly an unexpected proposal from the editor of the magazine: “Do you mind if we publish this as an article?” And then the editor added: “This is going to be the bomb!”

Indeed, it turned out to be an information bomb. Exploded, worked. My article was quoted on parent forums, posted on blogs and social networks, on popular Internet resources, including foreign ones. For example, when translating into Spanish, Slavik was renamed Sebastian, for some reason the diary was replaced with a portfolio, and my mother (that is, me) in the Spanish version asked me to bring her not tea, but coffee, because tea in Spain is a very unpopular drink. And everywhere in the comments heated debates were born: “Is it good or bad to be a lazy mom?” From “this is how you need to raise children so that they are ready for life!” to “why then have children at all? To be served?!” But in fact, people were not arguing with each other at all, but rather with their projections. Everyone projected some personal story onto the article, an example from their childhood, an example from the lives of acquaintances.

Unfortunately, a somewhat truncated version of the article was distributed on the Internet (it was necessary to somehow fit it on a magazine spread), and therefore not everyone understood that it actually did not talk about true laziness, but about creating conditions for the development of children's independence. And that I did not mean forced early independence, which arises as a result of parental indifference, indifferent attitude towards the child. When in the comments under the article “Why I am a lazy mom” people write: “I am both lazy”, meaning by this “I am at the computer / sleeping / on TV all day, and the child plays by himself”, I become anxious . I would not like my message to be perceived in this case as an indulgence. It is good when a child can occupy himself and serve himself, but it is bad if he is always on his own. If so, he loses much in development. Mom's "laziness" at the base should have concern for children, and not indifference. Therefore, for myself, I chose the path of a “lazy mother”, who is really too lazy to do everything for the children, and to do at their first request. She is lazy - and she teaches children to do everything on their own. Believe me, this is also a difficult path and, perhaps, even more energy-intensive. True laziness didn’t lie here and there ... Of course, it’s easier to wash the dishes yourself quickly than to wipe the water off the floor after a five-year-old child has washed it. And then, when he falls asleep, he will still have to wash the plates, since at first they will have both fat and dishwashing detergent on them. If you allow a three-year-old to water the flowers, then not everything will work out right away either. A child may overturn a flower, scatter earth, may flood a flower, and water will flow over the edge of the pot. But this is how, through actions, the child learns to coordinate movements, understand the consequences and correct mistakes.

All parents in the process of upbringing often have to make a choice: quickly do everything themselves or take advantage of the situation and teach the child something. The second option has two bonuses: a) the development of the child and b) the release of time for parents later.

And one day, when the child will already know and be able to do a lot, mom will be able to afford to be lazy. Now in the literal sense.

Such a profitable lack of independence

What a strange conclusion! Why, if children are dependent, is it beneficial for adults? What is the benefit of a child's lack of independence?

Oh, you know, the benefit is very simple: adults in this case receive external confirmation of their super-value, importance, irreplaceability. This is necessary if there is no inner confidence in one's value. And then the phrase “He can’t do anything without me” can be translated as follows: “I can’t do without him, because only he gives me confirmation of my worth.” Dependence on the child forces to make the child dependent. The subconscious mind builds its own logical chain: “If he can’t do anything on his own, then he won’t go anywhere, he will always, always be with me, and at 20 years old, and at 40 ... He will always need me, which means I will never I'll be lonely." Often it is not even realized. At the level of consciousness, a mother can sincerely worry that a child’s life does not work out in any way. But on a subconscious level, she herself models this scenario.

I met people who physically grew up, but at the same time did not become adults and independent. They have not mastered the skill of self-control. They have not acquired the ability to make decisions, to take responsibility. I knew schoolchildren whose homework was controlled by their parents until graduation. I have worked with students who do not know why they study and what they want in life. For them, everything was always decided by their parents. I saw able-bodied men who were brought to see a doctor by their mothers, because the men themselves were at a loss where to get a ticket and in which office to take a turn. I know a woman who, at the age of 36, alone, without a mother, does not go to the store for clothes.

“Growing up” and “becoming an adult” are not identical concepts. If I want my children to be independent, initiative and responsible, then for this it is necessary to provide them with the opportunity to demonstrate these qualities. And you don’t even have to strain your imagination to artificially create situations that require independence if mom, dad or another adult (for example, grandmother) has other interests besides the child.

Now I will express a thought that is seditious for most mothers: the child should not be in the first place. My first place is me. Because if I now devote my life to children, I will live exclusively in their interests, then in ten or fifteen years it will be very difficult for me to let them go. How will I live without children? How will I fill the void? How can I resist the temptation to interfere in their lives in order to “make happy”? And how will they be without me, accustomed to what their mother thinks, does and decides for them?

Therefore, in addition to children, I have me, I have a beloved man, I have a job, I have a professional party, I have parents, I have friends and I have hobbies - with such a set, not all the wishes of the child are fulfilled instantly.

“Mom, give me a drink!”

- Now, the sun, I will finish the letter and pour you water.

“Mom, get me the scissors!”

- I can’t move away from the stove now, otherwise the porridge will burn. Wait a minute.

The child can wait a little. Or he can take a glass and pour himself water. Can drag a stool to the closet to get scissors. My son most often prefers the second option. He does not like to wait - he is looking for a way to get what he wants.

Of course, this does not mean that it is worth doing this with absolutely every request of the child. There are activities that it is still difficult for a child to perform on his own. There is something that mom can do right now, without looking up from other things. For example, if mom is just pouring water for herself. It will be strange if at this moment she refuses to pour water also to the child. No fanaticism, please.

"Am I independent?"

In fact, the only and most important mission of parents is to teach the child to be independent.

It means:

Think independently;

Make decisions independently;

Satisfy your own needs;

Plan and act independently;

Self-assess your actions.

An independent person knows what he wants and knows how he can achieve it. An independent person is independent. This does not mean that he is alone. This means that he builds relationships with others not on the principles of co-dependence: “I can’t do without you, and you can’t cope without me,” but on the principles of sympathy: “I can do without you, but I’m pleased to be with you.”

A psychologically mature person is independent. And he prefers to surround himself with the same psychologically mature people. Addicts are drawn to addicts to create habitual co-dependent relationships.

“I have not loved my husband for a long time, but I cannot live without him. There will be nowhere to live and nothing. I know that he is cheating on me, but I am ready to put up with it, because he supports me. On the other hand, I know that he needs me. He is a complete zero in everyday life, he won’t even fry an egg for himself. He also loves our son very much. And my son loves me very much. She loves me so much that she can't even sleep without me. He is already 5 years old, but we have never parted. We sleep together with him and always play together, he prefers to play with me, and not with the guys on the playground ... "

What this woman perceives as indicators of very strong love, in fact, are indicators of addiction. When a child loves to spend time with his mother, this is love. When a five-year-old child cannot spend time without his mother - addiction.

Because of an unsatisfied relationship with her husband, a woman unconsciously binds a child to herself. And this is by no means a healthy attachment. Not feeling her value to her husband, a woman thus compensates for the lack at the expense of the child, cultivating her super-value as a mother.

It can be assumed that subsequently her child will have difficulties in communicating with peers. For the mother, this is a direct benefit: if the child does not communicate with peers, then he will be forced to communicate exclusively with his mother, and the mother will not feel lonely.

When spouses are connected by warm feelings, and not codependence, it is easier for them to let go of the child, because they have something to talk about with each other, there is something to do without a child. Therefore, it is important to start working on the independence of the child with yourself. And first of all, answer yourself the question: “Am I independent?”

“I want to raise my child independent, but my grandparents interfere with this. I give him a spoon to eat on his own, and Grandma starts to feed him. I put clothes on a chair for him and ask him to get dressed, and my grandmother begins to dress him. I want my son to learn to play on his own for some time, but they don’t leave him alone for a minute, either grandfather or grandmother constantly plays with him ... "

Why are there so many grandparents in this relationship? Why do they not consider the opinion of their daughter?

The explanation is simple. The daughter lives with her parents, on their territory and at their expense. Not married, not working, both her and her grandson are supported by her grandparents. That is, the daughter is not independent. As long as she depends on her parents, they can ignore her wishes. What’s more, they benefit from it. If the daughter grew up dependent, they got the opportunity of total control over her. Now it is important for them to get the possibility of total control over their grandson.

The opportunity to raise an independent child appears no earlier than his parents become independent. How do independent parents solve such problems of relationships with grandmothers? Sometimes very categorically: "Dear parents, if you do not take into account my principles of education, I will be forced to limit your communication." Only an independent and independent person can set his own rules. His opinion is listened to. And the opinion of a dependent person can be ignored, because he still has nowhere to go.

If the process of separation from your parents has not yet been completed or you are constantly building co-dependent relationships, it makes sense to work with a psychologist, take a course of personal psychotherapy. Alas, not all problems are solved by reading books. Often you need an outside perspective.

Lack of self-reliance in the vertical relationship "parent-child" or horizontal "husband-wife" always has some benefit, a hidden need of each participant in the system.

- We have been living together for ten years, and every morning begins with the question: “Lyuba, where are my socks?” It's unbearable!

- But you endured it for ten years, and what now led you to a consultation with a family psychologist?

- We have a son. A wonderful boy, very quick-witted, developing quickly. He started talking early, he is now a year and a half old, and he is already repeating poems after me! The woman's face glows with joy and pride for her son.

“And what does that have to do with your husband’s socks?” Facial expression and intonation change again:

- He repeats after her husband: “Where are my socks!” What an example he sets for his son! Who will grow up with us?

- Understandably. Tell me, what do you do when you hear this question from your husband?

- I AM? I give him socks.

All ten years?

– Can you imagine how this reflex has become fixed in him? And with your input. Literally. He asks - you submit. If you want your husband to change his behavior, then first of all you must change yours.

- And how can I change it? Tell him: “Take care of your socks yourself”?

- It sounds rude ... And if you come up with a softer option?

- Socks in the closet in the bedroom, on the second shelf from the bottom, yours - on the left.

Do your socks always lie in the same place?

“I suppose with a few reminders, your husband will remember where to look for socks.

- And what about the son, so that this issue does not arise?

- Likewise. If the socks always lie in the same place, the child will remember this. Simple comments will help: “And our socks are here,” instructions will help: “The socks need to be put in place,” requests will help: “Go, bring socks,” “Put on socks, please.” And you have to be prepared for the fact that the child will put on socks with a heel up, and maybe unpaired ones. But he will do everything himself.

It so happens that before the birth of a child, a woman willingly plays the role of a mother for her husband. “He will die of hunger without me!”, “He won’t find socks without me!” And the husband with his behavior: "Olya, I did not find what to eat" - plays along with her. In such a game, there is always an unconscious need on the part of both partners. But everything can be changed. If desired.

Current page: 3 (total book has 3 pages) [available reading excerpt: 1 pages]

Autonomy and security

The phrase "children's independence" causes anxiety in some parents. The imagination draws frightening pictures: accidents, bad company, promiscuity, and all this is a consequence of lack of control.

To relieve anxiety, it is important to be able to distinguish between normal, healthy independence, which brings only good and without which one cannot do in life, and dangerous independence, which, of course, will not bring anything good. With healthy independence, parental control remains. But if control is completely eliminated, there is a dangerous independence.

Independence and lack of control are not synonymous. Lack of control, of course, leads to the development of independence, but outside of control, various negative consequences can rarely be avoided.

Giving the child independence, it is first of all important to outline the scope of its manifestation. As you grow older, the scope should expand. Frames, or boundaries, are norms, rules, conditions, which ideally should be based, in addition to security, on morality and family traditions. Independence outside such frameworks is licentiousness and permissiveness, and it is not good for the child, since the child loses security.

When releasing the baby to swim independently, that is, crawling around the apartment, first remove all dangerous objects that may attract his attention or accidentally get in the way. The simplest thing is to put higher what is dangerous. This is a physical distinction between “can” and “cannot”. As soon as the child learns to substitute a stool and climb on it, dangerous objects must be removed even higher, even further. I could easily take a nap when my two-year-old was awake, only if the surrounding area was safe: nothing piercing, cutting, burning or poisonous in the access area.

At first, the boundaries between "possible" and "impossible" are only physical, but soon the child begins to perceive verbal boundaries - rules and prohibitions: "You must not pick up a knife", "You must not touch anything on the stove." The child grows, and the boundaries of what is permitted expand. “You can’t pick up a knife” eventually changes to “You can use a knife in the presence of an adult,” and then the turn comes and “You can cook on a gas stove yourself.”

An example of expanding frames for a growing child

1. Mom decides when to bathe the baby, and bathes him herself. At first, the scope of the child's independence is limited only to the choice of a bathing toy. Leaving the baby alone in the bath, I believe, would never occur to a sane parent. This is dangerous, the baby can reach for the toy, lose balance, "dive" and choke.

2. Mom decides when to bathe the baby. The child himself chooses toys for bathing, shampoo, soap and washes himself. At the same time, of course, my mother is nearby - she controls the process and quality, and helps if necessary. But simply controlling the process is not enough. The child also needs to be taught safe behavior. Let things take their course, the child may think of somersaulting in the bath or diving from the edge of the bath upside down. And to invent a thousand and one ways to flood the neighbors for him is a couple of trifles.

3. The child already knows what safe behavior in the bath is. He himself chooses the time of bathing, he carries out the process himself and controls the quality himself. What about mom? Mom voices the conditions for how often you need to wash and until what time you need to manage.

4. The child has already clearly formed concepts of cleanliness and developed self-service skills; when it's time to bathe, he decides for himself. Now the condition of a neat appearance acts as a "framework".

I foresee the question, at what age should a child bathe on their own? Should not. I do not like the wording "should" in relation to the child. A child can, a child is capable is another matter. And his ability to do something depends not only on age. Parents who have several children often notice that one child at the age of five can be safely left for some time alone in the bath, being sure that nothing will happen to him, because the child is peace itself, “where you put - take it there." But it’s better not to leave another even at the age of seven, because “crazy ideas” come to his head much faster than his parents have time to react. Filling a full bath of ice water to harden yourself is the most harmless scenario, it won’t sit out for a long time anyway.

Similarly, with other "when". When to let one go to school? It depends on the place where you live, on the route, on the child himself. It is one thing if the school is located in the courtyard and the entire route can be traced from the window of the apartment, and quite another if there are several blocks to the school, and even busy intersections have to be crossed. There are children who strive for independence and demand to let them go unaccompanied by adults. And there are children who are afraid to go alone and ask to see them off / meet them. Fear cannot be ignored. Therefore, accompanying the child, it is necessary to work with fear in parallel.

It is possible to come to independence through fear (here we are not talking about overcoming fear, but rather about coexisting with it), but the consequences can backfire in adulthood. Here is an example. Her mother left her seven-year-old daughter Lena, going on night duty, at home alone. My mother was sure of her safety. Lena is a serious girl, in the daytime she calmly stays at home alone. And what prevents her from being alone in the evening? She will just go to bed, and when she wakes up, mom will be at home. If anything, the neighbor has the keys to the apartment. The girl's irrational fear that at night an unprecedented miracle would come out from under the bed, her mother ignored. She did not know that Lena, wrapped in a blanket with her head, was crying with fear, was afraid to get up to go to the kitchen for water or to the toilet, and endured until her mother returned. Now Lena is thirty years old, but she never stays alone at night. If the husband goes on a business trip, Lena goes to her friend. Traumatic childhood experiences send us back to unpleasant memories, activate negative emotions, and it is very difficult to cope with this.

It is desirable that the child get the experience of independence on the wave of “Wow, how interesting to try!” Only one parent’s confidence: “You can do it!” - is not enough.

Ideal conditions for the development of independence: safe space + personal motivation of the child (interest, need) + adult confidence.

Self-reliance and parental anxiety

In my opinion, the most important factor in the development of children's independence is the ability of adults to overcome their anxiety, to cope with it. Honestly, it’s easier for me to forget that I’m a “lazy mom” and go to meet the child from school myself, just to avoid the anxiety that paralyzes all other thoughts, except for one: “Where is my child now ?!”

My eldest son has long won the right to return from school on his own. He has his own key, he knows how to open the door himself. He wants to demonstrate his adulthood in front of the rest of the first-graders who are met by grandmothers, mothers and nannies. He leaves the school and ... sees me (“Oh, it happened, I was here on business, and your classes just ended”). I promise him that tomorrow he will definitely go home alone. I reassure myself that my child is excellent, up to an irritated plea on his part: “Yes, I already know that’s all!” - briefed on safety precautions. But along with the thought “he should be home by now,” anxiety sets in again. First I try to drive her away: I was detained at the lesson, it takes a long time to get dressed, and then I start calling. It would seem, what happiness for modern parents, that there is an opportunity to call the child on a mobile phone and remove the alarm. But often it turns out that anxiety, on the contrary, is growing because the child does not answer calls. Having dressed hastily, you fly out of the apartment - and you come across a key prepared a few meters before the door in the hand of a contented child (he himself reached it). But here's a bummer: mom prevented the door from opening ...

A wet, dirty, but happy son talks about a snowman made in the schoolyard. The first snow is such an event, for the sake of which strict parental instructions are forgotten: “After school, go straight home!” I breathe out. I wonder: “Why didn’t you answer my calls?” The answer is predictable: "I did not hear." I can understand, in the schoolyard, the din of childish voices overrides any ringtone.

Of course, you don't have to worry about yourself. You can walk and meet contrary to the child's impulse to show independence. But still, you will have to face excruciating anxiety, and more than once. When the child will walk alone in the yard. When he goes to summer camp. When will return with other fans from the basketball game. When he goes to see off the girl to the other end of the city in the evening. When he goes to another city to go to college ... There are plenty of reasons, and there is no other way: anxiety cannot be avoided. However, there is a way out: to completely bind the child to yourself. Will it be good for him? No. And such a choice is dictated not by caring for the child, but by parental egoism: “I want to be comfortable.

I don't want to feel anxious. I have a hard time dealing with anxiety. Always be there for me to see you. Don't live your life."

Worrying about your child is normal. But sometimes anxiety crosses the boundaries of the norm and becomes that anxiety with the prefix "hyper" that interferes with the development of the child.

- I'll wash the apple myself!

- No, I'll wash it. You wash it badly, microbes can remain on the apple! (Fantasy already draws dysentery and the infectious diseases department of the children's hospital.)

Moms, let the child wash the apple himself. Your job is to control the quality. To calm yourself, say the mantra to yourself: “This will be immunity training.” Folklore on this occasion says: "Each mud has its own vitamins."

"I'll cut the cheese myself!"

No, put down the knife! You'll cut yourself!

She will cut herself if she is not taught how to use a knife. Therefore, it is necessary to allow, but control the process. Remind: "Make sure that your fingers do not get under the knife."

- How is my Alina the first day in kindergarten?

Alina is five years old, and it is really her first day in kindergarten.

- Everything is fine. She ate, played and even pooped.

- Pooped? As?!

- Yes, like everyone else. On the toilet.

- She sat on the toilet booty?!

- Do not worry, it is clean, it is regularly treated with bleach.

- And who wiped her ass?

Yes, all of our children can do this on their own.

- What did you wipe?

- Toilet paper? What else?

- But at home I wipe her ass only with wet wipes!

“What happens if she uses regular toilet paper?”

- She can wipe poorly, the butt will begin to itch. Rubbed with paper, there will be irritation. And if you wipe it in the wrong direction, it can infect the genitals. What if you don't wash your hands afterwards?

How terrible it is to live ... Of course, mother's motivation is understandable, it is aimed at the good of her daughter. Fortunately, this benefit did not turn into a problem for the girl. Which? - you ask. A girl could develop a habit (complex) of pooping only in the presence of her mother, because only her mother knows how to do everything correctly and safely. Some children experience psychosomatic constipation on this basis. And if only constipation... At first, children cannot leave their mother, and then, with age, they cannot leave home at all. The fact that a child will grow up without summer camps is not the biggest problem. But there is no escape from psychosomatics, and “home” children, having matured, begin to refuse travel and business trips, and some of them cannot do without laxatives or are forced to seek help from a psychotherapist (which is extremely rare, because the problem is very delicate). ).

When only mom knows what is best, how to be more correct and safer, and this “how” is constantly voiced, it is really scary to move away from mom. And very often mothers are indignant when talking with other people. And the child stands nearby and hears: “How can you let children climb so high? Why put this in the playground at all? Will the teacher be able to keep track of everyone?”, “Imagine, they gave the children fish with bones for dinner! Can a child do it? He will either remain hungry, or the bone will get stuck in his throat”, “No, you think! Grandmother gave him an apple with a peel. I said so many times, the peel must be cut off. In the peel, all the nitrates are collected!

Yes, the child thinks. - The world is dangerous. And only mom knows what's right. I will never leave her anywhere!”

“Well, what are you, son? Go play with the guys. You know, he's so shy..."

About control

Parental controls are different. It is protective. There is a guide. It is suffocating. There is a blocker. It gets annoying. It happens distant. And one easily develops into another if the parents forget to step back in time, to loosen control.

When a mother controls everything that a child has eaten in a day when he is only two years old, this is normal, this is natural, this is reasonable, especially if the child has allergies. But now the child is already seven years old, and he is invited to the birthday of a classmate. A lot of children, fun and noisy, children periodically run up to the table, grab something and run away to play on. Parents are talking animatedly. And only one mother tirelessly watches over her son: no matter how she grabs something harmful, allergenic from the table. “Vitya, Vityusha, what did you just take?! Put the candy back! Otherwise, we'll leave immediately!" Vityusha's every step is controlled by his mother. Mom actually provokes her son to play: “Try to steal a candy from the table so that I don’t notice.” Perhaps this time it will not work out and the victory will be for mom. But, I assure you, the game will continue at the next holiday. Mom's control will become annoying, and he will alienate mother from son. In addition, such control blocks the development of self-control and responsibility. Vite seven. He is already able to detect a causal relationship between what he eats and skin rashes. "Did you take the candy? You can eat it. But you know that after that your hands will itch a lot.” Yes, Victor knows. And Victor can make a choice. Myself. Consciously and responsibly. It is only important not to be afraid to delegate this responsibility to the child.

I worked as an educator in the allergy group of a kindergarten. Each child in the group had an allergy to something, but it was different for everyone. And every child knew what he could and could not do.

It is a tradition in kindergarten to bring sweets on the occasion of a birthday and treat the whole group. In the allergic group, they brought not sweets that were forbidden to most, but cookies or biscuits. Four-year-old children (those for whom this was relevant) were interested in: “Are there any nuts there?” Or they could refuse: “I can’t, there is gluten!” Parents explained to them what and why is impossible, that is, they explained the causal relationship, delegated responsibility, turned control into self-control.

When a mother controls the process of collecting a school bag in the first quarter of the first grade, this is normal, this control is adequate, natural. It is important to teach the child ways of self-control through control: “Now check again if you have put everything in. Let's check the schedule in the diary. Yes, math. Textbook and workbook in place?” But if the child is already in the third grade, and in the evening his mother climbs into his backpack with the question: “Did you put the paints?” - this is already suffocating control. Bringing paints to a drawing lesson is already the responsibility of the child. Even if you don't, what terrible thing will happen? He will come to the lesson without colors, he will feel the consequences of his forgetfulness. He will independently solve the difficulty that has arisen, for example, he will ask a neighbor on his desk to use his paints. Even if it fails to reach an agreement, even if - the worst of the scenarios - gets a "deuce", this is also an experience from which one can draw a conclusion. Correct conclusion: "We must carefully collect the satchel." Or the wrong conclusion: “Mom! Why didn't you put paint on me!

Because of you, I got a "deuce"! The wrong conclusion is provoked by the mother checking the child's backpack. Didn't turn control into self-control.

The other extreme - immediately, from the first days at school, to delegate responsibility for learning to the child - also does not contribute to the development of independence. What will happen if you say to a child: “As you wish, pack your satchel!” - without teaching him how to self-control, without telling him that it is necessary to check the contents of the satchel with the schedule? Most likely, the child will immediately fall into a situation of failure, which will cause him a negative attitude towards learning. There is a concept of "zone of proximal development". It is impossible to jump over this zone, sending the child to an activity with which he still does not know how to cope (does not know how). First we show, then we do together, then we control, then we trust - it is important to follow this sequence of stages, not to jump over them.

How do you know when control becomes suffocating? Very simple. Ask yourself: When I am in control, am I acting out of love for the child or out of love for myself? If out of self-love and a desire to exercise power, then the need for control will be formulated as follows: “We must do as my mother said. And just like you said, don't do it. Mom knows best. Mom needs to be obeyed. Even if mom is wrong - everyone makes mistakes from time to time, it will still be as mom said. “Mom” in the wording can be replaced with “dad”, the essence of this will not change. The initiative of the child in this approach is completely suppressed by parental authority. Once again, to do what the parents ordered, and exactly as they ordered, is diligence, not independence.

One more question. When you control, do you do it out of a desire to help the child, or out of a desire to avoid negative evaluation of your person? It happens that parental control is driven by the thought “What will they think of me?”. If a child forgets a textbook at home, what will the teacher think of me? If a child is late for school, what will an Englishwoman think of me? If the child does not graduate from the institute, what will my friends think of me?

- Faster! How much can you dig! You'll be late! Stop eating! Put down the sandwich! No time to eat! It's time to brush your teeth! Chew faster! Drink up and you'll choke! You fell asleep in the bathroom, didn't you? Come out, get dressed! First the shoes, then the jacket! Did you take the gloves? Did you take the keys? Travel card?

Once I lived in a rented apartment with very poor soundproofing. Every morning I was an unwitting witness to the morning preparations for the school of the son of my neighbors. That is, I thought so that it was school fees. Until one day I rode with my neighbors in the elevator to the ninth floor. Mom-neighbor lamented on the topic “the session is coming soon”, and the son grumbled that he would have time to learn everything. The sluggish "schoolboy" turned out to be a student. My guess is that his mom pushed him when he was in elementary school, then middle school, and so on. I wonder when he goes to work, will she wake him up?

Already in elementary school, the child needs to be taught how to start an alarm clock. Experimentally, you can determine how long it takes to get to school and how long it takes to get ready in the morning. “Look, today we walked to school for 20 minutes. If you want to go slowly, not in a hurry, you need to leave earlier. But you have to get up early. How long will you set the alarm for?"

It is important to teach a child not to be late, to keep track of time himself in elementary school. When there is still respect for learning and there is a desire to be a diligent student. When there is personal motivation to come to school on time. Because against the background of personal motivation, it is easiest to form responsibility and independence.

End of introductory segment.

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Anna Bykova . An independent child, or how to become a "lazy mother"
Moscow: Bestseller, 2016

The Eksmo publishing house has launched a new author's series by the popular Russian psychologist, blogger, art therapist, mother of two children Anna Bykova, widely known in Runet as "Lazy Mom". This is a large long-term project, which will include books on the methodology of Anna Bykova and workbooks for the development of children's creative abilities.

Once, taking part in an Internet discussion about the infantilism of the younger generation, Anna formulated a number of principles that later formed the basis of her article “I am a lazy mother”. She tried to convey a simple idea: if mothers were a little more lazy and did not do everything for the children, then the children would have to become more independent. The article had an amazing effect. From all over the country, Anna began to receive questions about raising children. Public VKontakte “Anna Bykova. "Lazy Mom" has become widely known in Runet, the author's articles have caused and continue to cause active discussions, her name enjoys authority among progressive parents and practicing psychologists. Now you can read Anna's articles not only in electronic form!

The series opens with the book “Independent Child, or How to Become a “Lazy Mom””, a fragment of which we publish. The book touches on an important social problem that is already quite acute in our country - the infantilism of the younger generation. Anna clearly showed the destructive connection between a child's overprotection and the fate of an adult: some teenagers are not ready for an independent life, adult children "sit on the neck" of elderly parents, infantilism is becoming the norm in many areas of life. So, not wanting it at all, parents make it difficult for their children to enter “independent swimming”. But if you think about it, the main task of parents is to prepare the child for life, encourage his independence, give him all the conditions so that he can become what he wants. How to find a balance between overprotection and carelessness, how to cope with parental anxiety, how to learn to expand the scope for growing children, how to delegate responsibility to the child and make them believe in themselves - these and other most discussed parental issues are revealed on the pages of the book.

A fragment of the book is published with the kind permission of the publisher

___________________

Anna Bykova

An independent child, or how to become a "lazy mother"

Fragment of the book

How to teach a child to clean up toys

This question is asked to me very often. In terms of popularity, the problem of cleaning toys comes right after the top three (potty, sleep, appetite). To be honest, I do not know of a single working algorithm, as a result of which each child will immediately begin to clean up after themselves. All children are different. We need different approaches, different arguments. Therefore, I simply give “toy stories” as material for reflection and search for a solution that may suit a particular mother and a particular child.

Story one

Arseny is two and a half years old. I put him to bed in the afternoon and put the room in perfect order: everything in drawers, in boxes, typewriter to typewriter, cube to cube, book to book.

When Arseny woke up, the first thing he said in an offended and indignant manner:

- Mom, what are you? I got it, got it, and you took everything away!

And then I realized that our pictures of the world do not match - Arseniy has a completely different idea of \u200b\u200border. Scattered toys are convenient, as everything is always in sight and at hand.

Morality. The need for cleaning for a child is not an obvious fact. The expediency of extra gestures in this direction still needs to be able to convey to him.

Story two

Kindergarten, group of three-year-olds. A typical situation: they grabbed all the toys from the shelves, played with them and immediately abandoned them. It never occurs to anyone that toys should be removed. What for?

I call the children to me.

- Guys, do you like to return home after playing in the kindergarten?

- And if you stayed in the garden for the night? If they forgot to pick you up? Would you like it?

- So the toys have their own houses, where they like to return after the game! Toys don't like being thrown around and forgotten about. Let's all return the toys to their houses, where they will be happy. Where do our dolls live?

Morality. It is easier to convey a thought to a child if you rely on his experience.

Story three

Sasha is three years old. With his imagination, it seems that even toys are not needed. To have fun, a roll of toilet paper is enough for him. Cars drive along a snow-covered track, the track is a soft two-layer roll rolled around the apartment. “Oops,” I think, “again I didn’t have time to hide the last roll. It’s already late, I don’t feel like going to the store, I’ll have to use paper handkerchiefs ... ”At that time, a snow storm began. The soft two-layer from the tape-like turned into ... I don’t know what it turned into. The whole floor is strewn with small pieces. Satisfied Sasha rolls "in the snow", sprinkling himself with "snowflakes".

It's time for sleep. You should clean up before bed. But mom needs it, not Sasha, Sasha is satisfied with the "drifts". And mom doesn't like the mess. If mom commands: “Collect the garbage!”, Sasha will object: “This is not garbage! This is snow! Let it lie!” So, you need to convince the child that the snow needs to be collected.

- Sash, Santa Claus really needs your snow.

- Yes?! What for?

- It's May. The snow has melted. Santa Claus is hot. And your snow does not melt. Santa Claus will protect you from the sun with snow. Let's rake all the snow in this bag.

“Mom,” Sasha asks, already sweeping scraps of paper into the bag, “how will the snow get to Santa Claus?”

“How, how,” I think up right off the bat, “the magic deer will pick up the package with its antlers and take it away.

- Is he coming to our house?

- Why. We will leave the package on the balcony. He will jump.

Sasha carefully collected all the "snowflakes" into a bag.

Arseniy (he heard everything) carefully asked me about the ethics of such motivation:

Mom, are you lying?

No, I'm not lying. I invent a fairy tale for Sasha, and he plays it. Is it bad for anyone?

Morality.

Story four

She was told by a participant in the parent training, she is not about toys, but also about cleaning and about turning cleaning into an exciting game.

- I came up with a game: one of the forks became the queen. And this outrageous woman decided to expel all dirty dishes from her kingdom. And after all, what miracles, with a revision, I decided to come exactly when we had eaten. Already several times I tried to expel my son's favorite plate from the kitchen, I saw it myself. Of course, I could help, but Their Majesty ordered her subjects to keep me away from the sink. And so, under the cover of dinosaurs, my son Savva manages to get to the sink every time to save his plate from expulsion. The plot changes a little every time, but the result is that after each meal, Savva washes his dishes more and more often.

Moral (same). Any activity for a child will be more attractive if it can be turned into a game.

Story five

Sasha is four years old. I set a task for him: to remove the toys. He starts whining that it's a long time, that there are a lot of toys, that he won't cope, that he'll get tired, and that it would be nice to help him.

There is such a mess in the nursery that even I had the feeling that it was impossible to clean it up.

- Well, - I say, - now collect only the cars in this box.

The task is simple and clear, and Sasha quickly copes.

- And now only the cubes in this box ... And now all the soldiers in this box ... Well, now, it remains only to pick up the garbage.

Morality. If the task seems abstract and impossible, it should be broken down into concrete simple subtasks.

Story six

I set a task for the children: now Sasha collects toys, after which Arseniy vacuums. The vacuum cleaner rustled somehow suspiciously quickly ... I go into the room and see: all the scattered toys have migrated from the floor to other horizontal surfaces. Now the table, sofa, window sill are littered with toys. Sasha, with a sense of accomplishment, reclines on the sofa among pistols, swords and dinosaurs. It is logical that this does not prevent Arseny from vacuuming.

Morality. When setting a task, it is important that there is a common understanding of what the result should be.

Story Seven

New kindergarten. The group has just been recruited. There are several dolls, several hares, several cars, a couple of designers. There are ten children who have learned to clean up toys after themselves in two weeks of being in kindergarten. Children quickly learned where hares, dolls, cars and cubes "live". Cleaning up after the game was easy. And then they bought new games and toys for the kindergarten: finger puppets, dishes, a “hospital”, balls, more constructors, pyramids, puzzles, mosaics, animals, a railway, trains with trailers, lotto, dominoes ... I put everything on the shelves, according to principle, each toy has its place. And in the morning the children came and swept everything on the floor. Not from evil, of course, and not from hooligan motives. It's just how they play. At the age of two or three years, children do not yet burden the games with plot ideas. Simple manipulations with objects: I turned it in my hands and threw it on the floor. The more toys on the shelves, the more then on the floor - pulled out, enthusiastically playing. But now it's time for dinner. Children do not have the strength and patience to clean up. They were able to lift toys from the floor, but classifying and putting them in their places is an impossible task for them. In one box were the details of the designer, and cubes, and pyramid rings, and dishes, and a finger theater.

Morality. There should be as many toys within reach as the child can pick up.

R.S. After that, I left the old set of toys plus pyramids. And new toys were introduced gradually, as the children remembered where to put what. Offering a new toy, telling how to play with it, I did not forget to show “her place of residence”. There were some hints: on a shelf or a box I pasted an image of the toy that “lives” there. If the child forgot where to put the pyramid, he simply looked for the corresponding picture on the shelf.

Story Eight

One plate is easier to wash than ten, obviously. If you wash the dishes right after eating, it will not cause as many unpleasant emotions as a whole mountain of cups and plates accumulated during the day.

One toy is easier to put away than ten. If you teach a child to return the doll / car to its place immediately after the game, then then you will not have to rake up a whole mountain of toys. The request "Put the doll in the crib" does not cause as much negativity and resistance in the child as "Clean up all the toys."

I understand that it is difficult: all day long to keep track of who took what and where they threw it. Yes, and constant control is annoying: “Roma, if you want to knock on the drum, put the engine in its place. Why did you throw him under the table? And you also have to endlessly remind the rule: "Before you take a new toy, return the old one to its place." And repeat with the children in chorus:

We are good guys
We are always fine.
We live by the rule
We played - we'll take it!

(For some reason, children learn the rules in verse better.)

But with all this, the result was noticeable after three weeks. Cleaning time has been cut three times. The number of nerves spent on cleaning also decreased, but this parameter cannot be measured.

Morality. Purely not where they sweep, but where they do not litter. It is easier to maintain the current order than to periodically arrange a total cleaning..

Story nine

- Go for a walk already, otherwise I won’t have time to wash! - A nanny, when she works for two groups, becomes understandably impatient.

- Sveta, now, we will only collect toys.

Leave the toys! I'll pick it up myself!

- Of course, it's faster. Only if now we let the children throw away their toys, tomorrow we will no longer be able to convince them that we must definitely clean everything up.

- How long do I have to wait for you?

- Don't wait, take it slow. But not with the words: “What are you digging! Let me do everything myself faster! ”, And with the words:“ Guys, well done, clean up well! Let me help you a little."

Morality. Parenting is constancy, not something from case to case.
More morality. If you want results - praise, it stimulates the desire to try. And criticism can kill that desire.

Story ten

Periodically, not only new toys appeared in the group, but also new children. They didn't know how to clean up toys according to the rules. And some still did not want to learn it.

- Yegorka, why don't you clean up? All the guys put the toys in their places, and you continue to play.

- I'm tired.

- If you are tired, sit here on a chair, rest. When you relax or get bored, come help us.

Sitting in a chair is boring. But I don't want to help. The guys put away toys, drank juice and went for a walk. There are also toys on the street: cars, scoops, shovels, balls.

- Yegorka, why are you taking a spatula? And suddenly you get tired?

- Yegorka, don't touch the typewriter. Sit, rest.

- Yegorka, why are you taking the ball? Then you also need to put it in its place, and you get tired ...

Yegorka can't stand it:

- Yes, I will not get tired!

“And will you take it later?”

- Good. Take what you want, but be sure to return it to its place.

Morality. Who does not clean up after himself, he does not play!

P. S. At home, I implemented this rule as follows: if the toys remained on the floor after the game (what a stubbornness!), I put them in a box on the mezzanine and took them out only after a week.

P. P. S. A participant in my training for parents told a story about the application of the same rule - "He who does not clean up after himself does not play!" - in a game format familiar to the child:
- Toys must be removed. I taught, I taught my son to do this, for two years we cleaned the toys together, and then one day the son objected: “I won’t do it, let them lie like that.” Well, let them lie, let's go to sleep. And in the morning we wake up - the toys are lined up at the front door, getting ready to leave! Dima to them: where are they going? “Look for new owners and new houses, otherwise it’s cold on the floor.” We looked, the racing car slipped through, skittles and a couple of books managed to escape when dad came out. Dimka and I went to look for them. It turns out that the concierge managed to catch the fugitives! The concierge was given candy in gratitude for her vigilance. And the toys now always sleep in their places.

When help is bad

Once, Vanya's mother (he is two and a half) asked me for a consultation. She complained about tantrums, the reason for which is the desire of the child to do everything on his own.

- Shouts: I AM! - and when he takes it and he doesn’t succeed, at least run out of the house so as not to hear his cries.

Mom gives examples, while Vanya draws. She reaches for a blue pencil - mother automatically takes a pencil and gives it to him. Then the boy drops the pencil, and it rolls under the table. Vanya gets down from the chair to get the fallen one, but mom is ahead again. Without interrupting the conversation with me, she picks up the pencil herself and gives it to Vanya.

I ask my mother:

- Vanya could reach the pencil himself?

- Could he pick up a pencil from the floor?

"So why didn't you let him do it?"

“I wanted to help...

- Why? He himself could. And he didn't ask for help.

This is how the mother, trying to help the child, limited his activity and independence. Vanya defended his right to independent action with tantrums. Mom (unconsciously) yielded, allowed her to show independence in what Vanya was not yet capable of: for example, tying her shoelaces. Imagine the feelings of a child: he was finally allowed to do something himself, but he did not succeed ...

Help the child only when he cannot do something on his own. Give him the opportunity to try his hand, evaluate his capabilities - this is a key factor in the development of the child.

If you see that the child is not succeeding, do not tell him: “Let me do it,” and even more so: “Let me faster I'll do", "Come on, better I'll do it" - this is a blow to children's pride, a direct message: "You didn't succeed", "I'm better." The child needs your support, encouragement, not your superiority. But just to praise, without lack of results, is also not necessary. After all, the child understands that he did not succeed well and that he is not truly praised. Consider, he can conclude that a priori he is always well done, and then why try. Your task is to teach the child to notice his achievements and, so to speak, outline prospects. Even if he failed to tie his shoelaces, today he got the tip of the shoelace into the right hole. This is definitely a success, and the kid deserves praise: “Well done, you already manage to thread the lace. Let me help you tie it up. You will soon learn to tie yourself.”

This rule also applies to older children. If the child does not ask for help - do not climb. If asked, help. Just do it with him, not instead of him. And do not forget to praise him for what he did really well. Or objectively not the highest score, but subjectively better than yesterday - also praise. It is important that the child notice the dynamics of change - this motivates, because tomorrow will be even better.

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