home › Tests › Cool jokes about. Short jokes funny to tears

Cool jokes about. Short jokes funny to tears

Rose, my dear, marry me!
- Will you give me a ring with a huge diamond?
- You really blew me off, you really...

The wife calls her husband:
- Ale! Can you talk?
- Can.
- Then listen.

Barrymore, what is that howling in the swamps?
-You never took your woman to the sea, sir?

A man came to the kindergarten to pick up his son, began to dress the boy, and then the teacher came up:
- This is not your child!
- Okay, neighbor gossip, but so do you!

Man, are you bored?
- Not by that much.

The men are sitting, making ferment. One doesn't drink.
“My wife,” he says, “will smell the smell and won’t let her come home!”
- Nonsense! Eat something, you'll drown out the smell, and not a damn thing will smell it!
The man drank. I ate a clove of garlic, Bay leaf chewed, smoked, and finally chewed some gum. He comes home and knocks on the door.
The wife shouts from behind the door:
- Got drunk again, you bastard!
- No, what are you talking about!
- Well, breathe into the keyhole."
The man breathed.
The wife shouts from behind the door:
- You're good at telling jokes! Breathe with your mouth!

Pasha, hello!
- Girl, I don’t... - Long time no see! Still good in bed?
- Well, Pashka is Pashka.

A lady walks into a very expensive boutique.
Seller: - Hello, let me introduce you new collection, this is exclusive! Excuse me, do you have money?..
- No...
- Well, why are you stuck, I should go to the market!
- I have a card.
- Hello again!

Hello! What a cool blouse you're wearing!
- Can you imagine, I have absolutely nothing under it!
- Don’t worry, they will grow up!

A neighbor knocks on the door:
- Hello. We bought a new car. Can you lend me some bread?

The maid asked the mistress of the house for an increase. The woman became noticeably upset and asked:
- Helen, why do you think you deserve a salary increase?
- Well, there are three reasons for this. First of all, I iron clothes better than you.
Woman:
- Who said that?
- Your husband.
- ABOUT…
Helen:
- The second reason is that I cook better than you.
- Who said that?
- Your husband.
- ABOUT…
Helen:
- And the third reason is that I’m better at sex than you.
Woman:
- Did my husband really say that too?!
Helen:
- No, our gardener.
- So, how much do you want?

Dad, I want to take ballet.
- No, Seryozha, it’s dangerous.
- Why?
- I'll break your legs.

Why are you stuffing condoms into your pockets?
- I'm going to the disco.
- Do you know the sign?
- Which one?
- If you take an umbrella, it won’t rain!

An old Jew is walking down the street with a stick - he can barely move his legs...
On the other side of the street, some guy overtakes him. The Jew shouts to him:
- Young man, are you going to the laundry by any chance?
- To the laundry room.
- Well then, follow me...

Little Moishe comes to the store.
“I need three liters of honey,” he hands the jar to the saleswoman. She pours a full jar.
- And dad will come tomorrow and pay.
“Well, no,” the saleswoman takes the jar from him and pours the honey back.
Moishe goes outside and looks into the jar:
- Dad was right, there is enough for two sandwiches.

Odessa. One neighbor says to another:
- Semyon Markovich, I am still delighted with your feelings! You and Sofa have been living together for 20 years and yet, walking around the city, you always hold hands!
- Oh, Benya, if I let her go, she will definitely buy something.

A man came to the doctor, carefully undressed: carefully took off his pants, carefully took off his underpants and carefully hung it all on a chair. He turned to the doctor and said:
- Doctor, I have one testicle higher than the second!
Doctor:
- Well, that's normal, nothing is perfect.
Man:
- Yes, but somehow it’s not neat!

A wife asks her programmer husband:
- Honey, do you remember when our wedding anniversary is?
- Well, yes! Exactly four days after the antivirus license expires.

I sent a text message to my girlfriend: “Congratulations on your wonderful day Surka." She replied that I was an idiot and an asshole. I tried to call her. She didn’t answer the phone. Then I remembered that she had " critical days" began and calmed down. The next day I re-read my SMS and saw that I had missed the letter "r" in the word "Surka".

The general saw a soldier polishing his boots with red cream:
- Why do you clean your boots with red cream?
- This does not concern you, Comrade General!
- How do you talk? Answer properly!
- Comrade General, there is no black cream anywhere, only red remains...
- It doesn’t concern me!
- And I told you this right away!

Abram, which of the wives do you think is better: a doctor or a teacher?
- The doctor is better.
- Why?
- Well, the doctors invite: “Come in, take off your clothes,” and the teachers order: “Go to the blackboard!”

A commission came to one monastery, which consisted of abbots of other monasteries. One of the commission members came to the local abbot and indignantly began to tell him that the monks smoke when they pray!
- And what? Our monastery, the Holy Synod, asked whether it was possible to smoke while praying.
- And what was the answer?
- The answer was no! And then we asked if it was possible to pray while smoking, and they told us that it was possible! You see, everything will depend on how you pose the question!

Two women are getting dressed in the locker room. One of them put on her family's panties. The second one asks her:
- When did you start wearing men's underpants?
- From the time my husband found them under the bed.

Rabinovich returned from a business trip earlier than planned, looked under the bed - no one, in the closet - it was also empty, and no one was hanging on the balcony. He returned gloomily to the room, and his wife said to him sarcastically:
- Well, Syoma, are you unlucky? We'll have to take the rap for everyone today.

Mortgage:
- And here is the apartment! - the rabbit thinks.
- So I had lunch! - the boa constrictor thinks.

On board the plane, one of the pilots laughed hysterically. The co-pilot asks:
- What's happened?
“I can imagine the panic in the madhouse when they find out that I escaped!”

Vovochka's mom asks:
- How many tasks were on the test today?
- 15!
- And how many times did you decide wrong?
- Only one!
- And the others, it turns out, decided correctly?
- No, I didn’t have time to decide the others...

Comrade Sergeant, a caterpillar has fallen off our tank!
- Don’t be greedy, let the sparrows peck.

Why don't you have cats in your yard?
- What is it?
- Yes, so... nothing...
- Would you like some pasty, neighbor?

Two men drink beer. One says to the other:
- Well, you’ve grown a belly for yourself, Ivanovich!
- It's not a belly. It's the liver!

Honey, have you thrown out the trash can?
- Yes darling. I just can’t understand - where are we going to put the garbage today?

"A secretary is looking for a job in her specialty. I have experience working with a scarf, a sapper and a tapeworm at a very complex level. Do not offer coffee in bed."

Look how cool it is!
- I’m not cool, but FIFA!
- Oh, are you also interested in football?

Doorbell:
-Did you call the hunger doctor?
- Called.
- What are you complaining about?
- The drinking bouts tortured me...
- How often do they happen to you?
- About four times a year.
- How long?
- For three months...

Jokes on different topics, short, very funny for a minute, which will make you laugh until you cry.
Cheerfulness is the most outstanding feature of a person.
Read, smile at each other, joke - without barbs, without offensive ridicule.
Laugh for five minutes in front of the mirror every morning. Laughter activates many useful elements in our body, and also returns the body to a balanced state. Revitalize your habit of laughter and your life will become more vibrant.

- Oh, what a wonderful portrait, at what price is it being sold? - Please don't touch! This is a mirror!

— The crisis helped me get back on my feet. The bank took the car for an unpaid loan.

— I adore the group of Unknown performers, they sing Track 1, Track 2, Track 9 and they just captivate my soul!

“A miracle is an event described by people who heard about it from others who did not see it themselves.”

- Hello! A familiar face, have we met somewhere!? Maybe at the zoo?
- Maybe... what cell were you in there?

“Conversation on the radio: “First, first, I’m second, you’re third?”

A limited mind with unlimited access to the Internet is a very unpleasant combination.

“Yesterday I didn’t come to work because I dreamed that I came”

One of the student’s commandments is “Do not snore during a lecture so as not to wake up a colleague!”

“Jokes about blondes are not the only truth”

“God invented a dream, and the devil invented an alarm clock”

"In the hospital. Doctor to patient: “I repeat for the hundredth time - Amnesia does not go away so quickly!”

“All men are animals who want only one thing... And why not from me?”

“All men are the same, only the salary is different”

“Do you know what Spider-Man is afraid of? Man's slippers"

“You’re good, I’ll drink, and we’ll both be very good!”

“I have the most sincere laugh... maliciously!”

“Where are you always welcome? At work."

— Is it worth going to a psychiatrist? - I asked myself. Opinions were divided.

Announcement: - We are looking for a driver for a bakery... With your truck and your bread.

“Girls are like the name of a page on the Internet. The ones you like have already been taken for a long time."

“If you knew how many times I almost died for love... But in any case, thanks to the skin and venereal doctors...”

“If you are over 30 years old and have not achieved anything in life, then you are an honest person.”

"If you aim for an idiot, he will probably do the same."

“If you have countless urgent tasks, you first need to figure out which ones need to be put off again.”

“Living in Russia is easy, but surviving is difficult”

“He who finds a friend finds a treasure. And whoever finds a treasure is not a friend..."

"Buy two, get three, you pay for four!"

“My wife is good, but others are even worse!”

“My wife watches TV so often that even the announcer recognizes her.”

- “Does your watch work? - No, I have it on my hand.”

“Optimism is not a lack of information”

“No one has ever died from laughter... except those who joked...”

“It’s a double-edged sword, you’ll get from both.”

Mom, I broke up with my boyfriend... - I know! I saw him in social network and even liked it.

Long live the Internet! Previously, only my neighbors hated me... and now half the world hates me.

Modern parents, when punishing their children, put them in a corner where Wi-Fi is weak.

“Patient’s bad behavior was operated on again”

“Paying your debt on time preserves your teeth better than toothpaste.”

“A family scandal is like a rock concert. It always starts with new material and ends with old hits."

“Now they write so much about the dangers of smoking that I have firmly decided to stop reading.”

“The sober plumber is a fairy-tale character!”

“You are not alone - loneliness is with you.”

“The good blonde Manya always bought live fish from the pet store to release into freedom... into the forest!”

“I would like to live like everyone else, but my conscience does not allow it.”

Topic of the section: Short jokes, very funny to the point of tears of joy.

People have been making jokes for years. They joke with words, make faces, draw pictures and make films. Someone had to clean this up someday.

1 Personally, I don't find clowns funny at all. To tell the truth, I'm afraid of them. I don't even know when it started. Probably when I was taken to the circus as a child and the clown killed my father. J. Hendy
3 The creative intelligentsia around the world condemned the closure of the Tajik Opera and Ballet Theater. “Now the artists who are left without work will probably become drug dealers and drug couriers,” music critics confidently say. Magazine "Krasnaya Burda"
5 They are little blue creatures, and each of them has fifty arms, so that they are the only people in the whole universe who invented deodorant before the wheel. D. Adams. Restaurant at the edge of the universe

6 If Roosevelt had lived, he would have turned over in his grave. Samuel Goldwyn

7 “The boatswain fell overboard,” Captain Thrym told me. - I myself am partly to blame for this. It happened early in the morning. I picked him up so that he could get a better look at the iceberg, and quite by accident, I assure you, I completely accidentally dropped him overboard.
“Captain Thrym,” I inquired, “have you done anything to save him?”
“Not yet,” he answered embarrassedly. S. Leacock. Lost among the swells, or Shipwreck on the ocean
10

Terrible sciatica. Old-timers don’t remember a person’s ass hurting so much. F. Ranevskaya

11 - Have mercy, Pyotr Andreich! What are you up to! Did you and Alexey Ivanovich have a fight? Great trouble! Hard words break no bones. He scolded you, and you scold him; he hits you in the snout, and you hit him in the ear, in another, in the third - and go your separate ways... A. Pushkin. Captain's daughter

- What, great? - Winnie the Pooh shouted to him from the sky. - Well, who do I look like?
- At a bear flying in a hot air balloon!
- Doesn’t he look like a little black cloud? - Pooh asked anxiously.
- Not good.
- Okay, maybe it looks more like it from here. A. Milne. Winnie the Pooh and everything, everything, everything
(retelling by B. Zakhoder)

13 In their company I would have died of boredom if I had not been there. Alexander Dumas son
15 My friend always dies laughing during sex, no matter what she reads. Emo Phillips

16 - A thousand apologies! - Don Gug cried, smoothly approaching the table. - By the rickets of my duke, completely unforeseen circumstances! I was stopped four times by the patrol of His Majesty the King of Arkanar, and I fought twice with some boors. - He gracefully raised left hand wrapped in a bloody rag. - By the way, noble dons, whose helicopter is this behind the hut?
“This is my helicopter,” Don Condor said grumpily. - I don't have time for fights on the roads. A. and B. Strugatsky. It's hard to be a god
18 I met several professors there. One of them followed me all the time and explained that the ancestral home of the gypsies was in the Giant Mountains, and the other argued that inside the globe there is another globe, much larger than the outer one. In a madhouse, everyone could say whatever came into his head, as if in parliament. J. Hasek. The adventures of the good soldier Schweik
20 Indiana Jones unexpectedly wins a saber duel with a pistol. Film "Indiana Jones in Search of the Lost Ark."
22 The Kid began to run out of patience, and the last time Uncle Julius visited them, he drew his portrait in his album, and under the picture he wrote: “Dummy.” Uncle Julius accidentally saw this drawing and said: “You drew a horse poorly.” A. Lindgren. Carlson, who lives on the roof, plays pranks again
24

- Do you identify with your character?
- No.
- Why?
- I play a crazy cannibal robot! From the film "Notting Hill"

25 And your dad is a Mendel Creek binder. What is this dad thinking about? He thinks about drinking a good shot of vodka, about punching someone in the face, about his horses - and nothing else. I. Babel

Clothes make a person. Naked people have extremely little influence in society, or even none at all. M. Twain

27 The oldest of funny jokes.
One day the scholastic philosopher met his old friend.
- ABOUT! And they told me that you died!
- No, you see, I’m alive.
- That's how it is. But the person who told me you died is more trustworthy than you. Collection of anecdotes "Philogelos", 5th century BC. e.

The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter. W. Churchill

29 Forty is the age when you finally feel young, but it’s too late. Pablo Picasso

30 There are only two infinite things: the Universe and stupidity. Although I'm not sure about the Universe. Albert Einstein

Listen, dumpling, it dawned on me: each of our ancestors fucked at least once! From the film "Beavis and Butthead"
33 Sleep quickly, someone else needs your pillow! M. Zoshchenko
35 Solution difficult task entrust a lazy employee: he will find an easier way. Hlade's Law

36 If a critical situation arises, wake me up at any time of the day or night - even if I am at a cabinet meeting. Ronald Reagan

37 To help a patient develop his hands after a complex operation, doctors gave him lice... I. Kvasov
39 I dreamed about Freud. What would that mean? E. Lec
41 Do you have a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? Mae West

Sometimes you have to make people laugh to distract them from wanting to hang you. B. Shaw

43 - Ale... Who is this? Director? Fuck you, director! Not up to you in a minute. From the film “Masyanya”
45 When George ends his life on the gallows, Harris will remain the worst packer in the world. J. C. Jerome. Three in the boat, not counting the dog

- Bimbo, wait! When he told this joke, he didn't know that you were an elephant! Harry Larsen

47 If life is too busy,
Sexual function weakens. I. Guberman

The Simpsons are watching the lottery results.
Homer. This guy certainly won a lot of money, but there is one thing that no amount of money can buy!
Marge. And what is it?
Homer. Dinosaur! From the film "The Simpsons"
51

When my parents finally realized that I had been kidnapped, they did not hesitate for a minute and immediately rented out my room. W. Allen

- I am from the Mog tribe. Half dog, half human. I best friend yourself! From the film “Space Eggs”

Don't touch Shikhman's bear,
With Mishka, doubts go away:
He's all Jews
In every generation.
Over there the grandfather is paralyzed,
Former pest doctor
And I am an anti-Semite
On anti-Semite.
Mishka is a doctor, he suddenly became quiet,
There is an abyss of them in Israel.
There are only gynecologists there
Like uncut dogs.
There is no way for dentists
They ask for too much.
Where can I find all the teeth?
This means unemployment. V. Vysotsky
55 She grabbed his hand and repeatedly asked, “Where did you put the money?” A. Averchenko. Magazine "Satyricon"
57 Best View view of this city if you board a bomber. I. Brodsky. Performance

- Darling, kiss me goodbye... Promise that you will never marry again!
- I promise!
- No sex!
- Sorry, I didn't hear...
- No sex!
- Honey, your speech is slurred... You have a terrible injury!
- No sex, no sex!
- O evil fate, last words wives will remain under the veil of darkness!
- Don't fuck!
- Yes, dear... Go to the light... From the film “Scary Movie 3”
60 The apartment of two friends was robbed.
Ross. What did the insurance company say?
Chandler. Yes, they kept repeating: “You didn’t sign an insurance contract with us, stop calling us.” From the series "Friends"

61 - Crazy! From the film “Hedgehog in the Fog”

62 And you yourself know how difficult it is to write about love in France. Because everything related to love has long been written in France. Everyone there knows about love, but here they know nothing about love. Show our person with secondary education, show him the chancre and ask: “Which chancre is it - hard or soft?” - he will definitely blurt out: “Soft, of course,” but show him soft - and he will be completely confused. But there - no. There, perhaps, they don’t know how much “St. John’s wort” costs, but if the chancre is soft, then it will be soft for everyone and no one will call it hard... Ven. Erofeev. Moscow - Petushki
64

Nick Gurevich
66

V. Lubnin

Kyle. Hey Stan, did you see the rainbow this morning?
Stan. Yeah. So healthy!
Cartman. I hate rainbows!
Stan. Cartman, everyone likes rainbows. What is there to hate about her?
Cartman. It's not clear, is it? Here you are sitting, all in your thoughts, and this rainbow will come and crawl right up your leg, climb into your ass, and start biting! Then you’ll yell: “Hey, get out of my ass, you stupid rainbow!”
Kyle. Cartman, a rainbow is a multi-colored arch that appears in the sky after a thunderstorm.
Cartman. Ahh! Rainbow! Oh yes, I love rainbows. So cool!
Stan. Cartman, what were you talking about?
Cartman. A? Yes, so... About nothing... From the movie "South Park"

68 - I want to tell you that we cannot get married at all.
- Why?
- First of all, I'm not a natural blonde.
- It doesn't matter.
- But I smoke. I smoke all the time.
- I don't care.
- I will never have children.
- We'll adopt someone.
- Oh, damn it! And after all, I am a man.
- Well. Everyone has their own shortcomings. From the film “Some Like It Hot”

69 Gentlemen of the jury! Look at Cicolini! Yes, he talks like an idiot and looks like an idiot. But don't let that fool you: he really is an idiot. From the film “Duck Soup”.

72 It's better to be black than gay. If you were born black, at least you don't have to think about how to tell your mother about it. Charles Pierce

73 Another solution is to take regular doses of Ginkgo biloba, an extract of a tree native to Asia that has such a strong memory that it will one day hunt down and kill all the people who have ever eaten it. S. Martin. Changes in memory after fifty

74 Vera Inber had the line “...don’t cut off the crazy head!” V. Kataev wrote a parody:
Ah, at Inber, ah, at Inber
Curly forehead.
A century would look, a century would look
On her b.

75 Love married woman- a great thing. For married men I never dreamed of this. O. Wilde

76 - Izya, don’t come to visit us anymore. After you arrived, Sarah's necklace went missing.
- But I didn’t take anything, Abraham!
- Yes, the necklace was found, but a residue remained.
78 I have seen more people, who were ruined by the desire to have a wife and children and keep them in comfort, than men who were ruined by drunkenness and whores. William Butler Yates

79 Friendship between a man and a woman is possible. True, she gives birth to children. Friedrich Engels

80 - I want to ask you this: when you moved in, did you see a sign here that said “Storage of Dead Negroes”?
- No, I haven’t seen it...
- Do you know why you didn’t see the sign “Storage of Dead Negroes”? Because I am! Not! I keep it! Dead! Blacks!- Again?! You've already jumped ten times, the parachute has never opened!
- No, I have to!
- Well, to hell with you, jump.
On the ground there is a meeting on the collective farm. The chairman yells:
- Disgrace! Cows don't get milked! Chickens don't lay eggs! A drunken tractor driver drowned his tractor!
There is a crash, a crash, the roof breaks, and a parachutist falls onto the table.
Chairman:
- And this parachutist is already sick of it!!!
83 They made you in a hurry.
Your whole life is an advertisement for safe sex! From the film "DMB"
85

You went to college! Have you been told about cases like mine?
- Yes, of course they did. Psychological abnormalities...
- So what should I do?
- I think we should meet again. For example, tomorrow!

87 I drink no more than a hundred grams, but after drinking a hundred grams, I become a different person, and this other person drinks a lot. Emil Krotky

88 I owe my health and longevity to the fact that I never touched a cigarette, a glass, or a woman until I was ten years old. George Moore

89 Punctuality is the politeness of bores. Evelyn Waugh

90 Nothing is more demoralizing than a modest but constant income. Edward Wilson

91 An elderly couple is having breakfast. The wife asks thoughtfully:
- Vasya, do you love me?
Husband, throwing his fork in his hearts:
- Why do you have to start every morning with a scandal?!

92 Drug addict's apartment. Doorbell.
On the threshold - a police squad:
- We have many complaints from your neighbors. They say that your apartment stinks of burnt rags and you can constantly hear laughter. What are you doing here?
Drug addict (shrugging):
- Yes, so... We burn rags and laugh.

Advocate. Tell me, did the defendant have any personal hostility towards the victim?
Witness. Yes, I did. He told me: “I feel such personal hostility towards the victim that I can’t eat.”
Prosecutor. But the defendant claims that he did not know the victim.
Witness. Listen... this... where do you know me? When he went to the toilet, Valiko asked me: “Listen, he says, who is he, this victim? Where did he go? “I see him,” he says, “for the first time.” From the film "Mimino"
95 Generally speaking, my kids refuse to eat anything that isn't dancing on TV. Erma Bombeck

96 A woman can make any billionaire man a millionaire. Charlie Chaplin
100