Myths and realities of family life. Myths about family life: dispelling stereotypes

The idea of ​​this article came to me after a seminar on systemic family psychotherapy, which was conducted by the Guru for working with families Elena Burtseva. Based on her many years of successful experience working with couples and my thoughts on this matter, I decided to describe 10 common myths about married life that many couples accept as pure truth.

Myth 1. Similarity and kinship is a constant basis for long-term relationships. Many spouses firmly believe that the same outlook on life, interests, principles is a prerequisite in order to live a lifetime with your partner. This mythology is well reflected in folk proverbs and sayings from the category "Husband and wife are one Satan", "Two boots - a pair", etc.

And in fact: kinship and a certain conditional similarity of a man and a woman is certainly important at the stage of entering into a relationship. This provides a common basis on which to approach and build joint plans for life. However, the family is a dynamic system, and in married life at a certain point there comes the need for differentiation. And it turns out that it is very convenient and interesting to live, for example, in a complementary couple, when different or even opposite features of the partners perfectly complement each other and enrich the marriage!

If you firmly believe in this myth, then having lived with a partner for some time and discovering that he has other interests and traits that are different from yours, you can panic and decide that you are not on the path, that you are no longer soul mates, that marriage has outlived itself ... Alas, many couples do not withstand changes and marriages break up. While living through the stage of differentiation and creative adaptation to changing conditions underlies a long and strong family union.

Myth 2. Everything must be done together and divided equally. The exaggerated idea of ​​equality between a man and a woman underlies the construction of relationships on the principle of "partner marriage".

And in fact: The roles and rights of men and women are indeed equal in marriage, but the exaggerated idea of ​​equality does not take into account the individual characteristics, needs and desires of each. And then, for example, super-ideas arise from the category “Since I get up at 7 in the morning, then the spouse does not have the right to sleep until dinner”, “If I immediately wash the dishes, then the spouse should do the same”, “We must queues to take out the trash, even if the spouse hates this duty", etc. A number of such "should be equally" you can continue yourself.

The family system is designed in such a way that it has a lot of both symmetry and asymmetry. And the device according to the principle "in marriage everything should be parallel and perpendicular" makes the marital union rigid, incapable of adapting to the individual characteristics of each. And then one or both partners may experience a feeling of stiffness, tightness, depression. Often the spouse's unwillingness to "share everything equally" is perceived by the partner as depreciation, loss of interest and respect. And then it turns out not the union of two different, but loving people, but outwardly the "correct" family, in which everyone feels lonely.

It is important to respect and take into account the individuality of each spouse, and then the system itself will flexibly distribute: who should take out the trash, who should wash the dishes, sit with the child, etc.

Myth 3. "We have enough of each other. You can get by with a good relationship in a couple, closing the boundaries of the family from everyone and keeping your love forever!" Each couple goes through certain stages of development, and the first phase of the merger, when the couple can not breathe each other, and they do not need anyone else, is romanticized and idealized in literature and cinema.

And in fact: the stage of primary merger passes, and if the partners continue to live the myth “I am you, you are me, and we don’t need anyone”, then such an alliance gradually turns into a suffocating, difficult dependent relationship in which aggression (and it is inevitable in any relations!) will be suppressed and sooner or later will result in some dysfunctional symptom: lover/mistress, illness of one of the spouses or a child (the most common option), alcohol/drug/gaming/food addiction of one of the family members. Rigid boundaries, as well as their complete absence, are a sign of a dysfunctional relationship.

Flexible, adaptive boundaries allow spouses, while maintaining love and intimacy, to live not only within the family, but also outside it: spend time together with different people, go to visit, visit parents, let friends into the family for a while and even (horror-horror!) sometimes allow flirting with other men / women. It is also important to clarify dissatisfaction with the relationship with your partner, without turning small unresolved grievances into a big ball of pent-up aggression.

Myth 4. The relationship that was at the beginning will remain the same good forever! This myth intersects with the one written above, but it deserves to be highlighted. Of course, many of us want the love to never end, and the relationship continues to delight with bright colors and butterflies in the stomach without any additional effort.

And in fact: the idealized image of conjugal love and the lack of school disciplines in family life are the disease of our century! Today, young people rush into relationships headlong, hastily build marriages, and as soon as the honeymoon phase passes, they are disappointed and destroy alliances. Alas, in our society today, the obvious truth that a good relationship is the result of the work of both spouses is completely unpopular! Yes, the idea that relationships need to be worked on is devoid of romanticism and far from a lyrical ideal. But you can jump all your life from one relationship to another, "collecting the cream" of the honey period, but then you need to give up the illusion that in this way you can build a strong marital union for many years. Now even the concept of "serial monogamy" has become popular - when a person does not cheat on his partners, but simply changes them often, entering into marriages many times in his life.

Myth 5(in continuation of Myth 4). It is possible to live in a long marital relationship without being disappointed in each other.

The highest degree of maturity of partners and an absolutely necessary condition for a long happy marital union is the need to live disappointment in a spouse while remaining in a relationship. Alas, disappointment in the spouse is inevitable, because. the initially idealized image of a "prince" or "princess" turns out to be a real living person living nearby. And then it suddenly turns out that “my husband has not reached the heights that I expected from him, he does not provide me as much as we would like”, “my wife is not a smiling beautiful creature, but a woman with mood swings, and her character is not always perfect, and she doesn't always look 100%." The point of disappointment in a partner is the most common reason for divorce. Therefore, in our society there are a lot of divorced men and women proving left and right that "all women are bitches" and "men are goats."

It is important to have great courage to openly face disappointment in a partner, live it while remaining in a relationship, creatively reconsider your requirements and vision for each other - then and only then can you build a long-term good marital union. And as a bonus, you will be grateful to your spouse that he accepts your features and be sure to discover features in him for which you will fall in love with his new, real and living "non-prince".

Myth 6. "The two of us, we are free people and we can build something that will be different from the models of our parents." I don't think comments are needed here.

And in fact: the unconscious absolute denial of parental models leads to the fact that the couple, fundamentally avoiding patterns from parental families, eventually reproduces them in their marriage. Here the key to breaking the vicious circle is awareness. Only an honest analysis of both the strengths and weaknesses of parental relationships makes it possible to find and appropriate successful "recipes" from the model of the parental family (and there cannot be any). And then, relying on this resource already in their relationship, the couple can build something authorial.

Myth 7(modification of Myth 6). We will build a marriage as good as the parents of one of the partners. This myth is from the category "My husband is from a good family, and mine was not very good, so we will live like his parents"

And in fact: Read above about the absolute denial of your family models. There are no "good" and "bad" family models in absolute terms. Every family has its own resources and dysfunctions. And the dependent tendency (that is, the unconditional reproduction of the parental model) is just as dangerous as the counter-dependent one (that is, building your family on the principle of denial "if only not like them"). This is a false dilemma, and the truth lies somewhere in between.

Myth 8. "Our family should be better than that of a sister/brother/girlfriend/friend." It often happens that the couple seems to "look back" at the families of their environment, and fight for the championship in the ranking of "best family of the year." This also includes the myth about the constancy of passion and sexual relations.

And in fact: a share of competition and competition is a very good resource for keeping yourself in good shape. However, problems begin when the spouses suddenly discover that their marriage is somehow losing to the "Sasha and Masha family." And then comes the total depreciation of relations, according to the principle: if we are not the best, then everything is bad with us. And the spouses involuntarily begin to delve into their couple, looking for problems. And if you dig a lot, you will definitely dig up something.

Or another variation is possible: sexual relations are excellent ground for mythology and a good way to devalue yourself. If at some point sexual relations become less regular in a couple, especially against the background of friends' stories about their "super-duper passionate sex in different positions and situations", then the couple may experience an avoidable sense of shame for their sexual imperfection. And since the topic of sex is very intimate and painful for someone, the spouses do not dare to discuss what is happening, gradually moving away from each other.

In this case, it would be good to ask the question: "Do we have enough ourselves?" And then it may turn out that the couple needs it this way now, it’s more convenient for them, it’s good for them that the activity of their sex life is not going off scale now, and they can rely on their desire, and not on “Sasha and Masha”. It may be that one of the partners now needs more sex than the other. And it is also important to clarify this in order to look for a flexible solution together.

In general, there is only one recipe: A good marriage is when both partners feel good, and not when "we are no worse than Sash and Mash."

Myth 9. There are good and bad roles in marital relationships. For example, “I don’t want to be a mother for my husband / a father for my wife!”, “If a husband sits with children in a family, then he is like a woman!”, “If a wife earns money in a family, then this is the wrong family.”

And in fact: the absence in our society of the necessary educational training in the field of family life puts young spouses in a situation where they can rely only on the stereotypes and clichés that society dictates to them. And then any distortion in family roles is perceived by the spouses as a deviation from the norm. And the couple lives for some time, perceiving themselves as an "abnormal family", then most often comes a divorce and a search for a partner who will correspond to common stereotypes.

In reality, the more freedom a couple has in choosing different roles, the more flexible it is. The challenge for couples is to review their needs, determine their benefits from their roles, and find their own creative solution. And then it suddenly turns out that, for example, it is convenient for a husband to stay at home with children, and a wife likes to earn money and feel successful, and sometimes it is important for them to play mother-daughter with each other, playing the role of a parent or child. And the couple is damn happy, and they don't give a damn about social stereotypes!

Myth 10(tragic). My partner is good if he satisfies all my needs. Everything I need, I can get in family relationships. This myth is tragic because it is very difficult to recognize it as a delusion rather than the truth.

And in fact: Yes, it's great when partners can give each other a lot. Yes, the family is the place where a person can get what he will not get anywhere else. But it is important to realize that even having met the partner of your dreams, you will not go to heaven, and most of your personal "cockroaches", unresolved internal problems and fears will not disappear as if by magic. Each person has his own path and his own responsibility to go through it, overcoming internal resistance. A good partner can go a long way to lighten the load and make your life better, but they can't walk that path for you. And even being in an ideal marriage (and such does not happen), it is still impossible to solve all your problems only through a partner.

It is important to make the family a background where everyone can meet their individual needs and develop based on their desires.

Dear and respected spouses! Talk to each other more often, figure out each other's wants and needs, look for ways to creatively fit in and choose to live the way your couple likes! And leave the cliches, stereotypes and norms of behavior to "Sasha and Masha", as well as to those people who "know how to do it."

“Each hut has its own rattles…”
(saying from the folk epic)

In one of the domestic films, the main character of the plot, a psychologist by profession, at her next consultation at the Family Center admonished a couple of newlyweds with the following words, who sat in front of her with confused faces, as if before the last hope in the name of saving their short marriage: “In fairy tales, everything is the most the difficult and complex that the main characters of a fairy tale undergo, ends with a wedding ... But this is only in fairy tales. In life, from the wedding, all the difficulties and trials for the young are just beginning ... "...

Modern youth has long ceased to indulge in the thought that everything will be great and wonderful in marriage. Numerous works and explanations of family psychologists in the press, in Runet, allow today's newlyweds to understand before marriage that family life is work, and far from being an eternal holiday for two young people. And whether this “work” will become beloved, bringing joy, or will it be considered “hard work”, “everyday hard labor, routine” - this will already depend on the newly-made husband and wife.

The most interesting thing is that numerous relatives, relatives and friends of a young family, desperately wanting to help her, warn her against difficulties and mistakes, often thereby “confuse” the newlyweds with their advice and instructions in the conduct of family life, not realizing that every family should "to swim" in one's own course, to go through one's own mistakes, to overcome the numerous "thresholds" of a turbulent river whose name is family. What kind of mythical "standards" for any family life are stuffed by the weak heads of would-be advisers?

So, the people around the young family say that ...

It is only after the divorced spouses understand that "silence" did not lead to a resolution of the conflict, but brought another family to a divorce. After all, the silence of one of the spouses means the “scandalous performance” of the other during a conflict situation. At the same time, the “grumpy” spouse takes the silence of his other half for his own rightness in this matter or for the “complete capitulation” of his “rival” in the conflict. In the end, the more silent “victim” either files for divorce, unable to endure the endless tantrums in the house, or silently waits out the “storm” over and over again, deeply suffering and upset in his soul.

In fact, a conflict, a small “showdown” in the family is nothing more than an important factor for the development of relationships, psychologists say. The conflict allows each of the spouses to present their view of the situation. Naturally, quarrels should have a "healthy" or, rather, healing character. Conflicts should not be: a) unfounded, created "from scratch" b) too frequent, c) too stormy. Psychologists advise at the time of a conflict situation in the family, not to try to shout down each other, trying in this way to convey your opinion, but to substantiate your point of view in every dispute. If, for example, the wife does not like the too frequent visits of her mother-in-law to their house, then she should justify her dissatisfaction by explaining to her husband calmly and logically why she would like the mother-in-law to come less often, and not be silent for three days angrily after leaving mother-in-law and not take your anger out on your husband.

In fact, psychologists assure, no one is obliged to understand each other without words. After all, each of the spouses received their own life experience in the parental family, and the concepts of love, the values ​​of family life can also be different. Ideal relationships do not develop in the family where the husband and wife are sure in advance that they understand each other perfectly without words, but dig deeper - they talk about completely different concepts, but in the one where the spouses initially, from the first steps of marriage, found out and continue to find out during a long period of joint "grinding" what certain words, expressions, actions mean for each of them. At the same time, they accept each other, as they are, and do not try to remake, reshape the character of the partner.

The same spoken phrase of a husband and wife can be interpreted in completely different ways. For example, a husband said to his wife: "I'll be back later today than usual." She is sure that "later" is half an hour, no more. And the husband came back later ... five hours than usual or even came late at night. It can be assumed that the ground in this situation for a family scandal has already been prepared. But they could understand each other "at a glance", because they love each other so much and understand so well. From one, identical, by the way, phrase ...

Or another example. Say, when one of the partners is in a bad mood, he came home from work too tired. For men, the phrase: "Honey, I'm tired" often means a subconscious request - "Leave me alone for a while, otherwise I can't vouch for myself." In such a situation, the feminine: “I’m tired, dear,” suggests, on the contrary, increased attention from her husband, a desire to get sympathy from him, she would like to be pitied at such a moment, understood and stayed with her. One can imagine what grievances can accumulate over time in a family where initially the spouses will not frankly learn from each other how and in what situation they can be useful to each other, how they can help, and at what moment it is better for them to really be in loneliness.

Conclusion: do not be sure that you know well the desires and thoughts of your partner just because you love him. Do not get tired of getting to know him, be interested in his opinion, remember his characteristic habits, do not do something to spite your partner. Only then, for a long time, when your marriage celebrates more than one memorable date, it will be possible to say about you - "they understand each other without words."

Parents, willingly or not, teach their children a lesson for the future, how family roles will be distributed in their families. Growing up, young men and women, knowing no other example, bring to their families the foundations and traditions that they observed in their parental home. And here some clashes of different foundations from different family clans can take place. For example, the wife saw that her dad helped her mother cook delicious dishes in the kitchen more than once, which she calls on her young husband to do. Her husband, on the contrary, well remembered his father's admonitions about "women's" and "men's" duties in the house and that "helping a woman in the kitchen and cleaning the house means humiliation of man's dignity." Hence the misunderstanding, the imposition of their own more convenient and familiar "schedule" of family life.

Ideally, each new married couple should create their own rules and distribution of "positions" in household chores.

Psychologists advise the following - if the spouses are not satisfied with the distribution of roles that has developed in the family, there is no need to remain silent and no need to make scandals. We need to calmly discuss the situation. Be prepared for the fact that not everything is decided right away - you may have to return to such a conversation from time to time. If it is unprofitable for one of the spouses to change their usual situation, think about the reasons and show your loved one the mutual benefits of the new rules.

A very common opinion and the biggest misconception of women (men who think the same way, only 8% out of a hundred, the rest are women!). Psychologists warn that it is not worth counting on strengthening the family with the help of the birth of a child. In fact, the birth of a child is, on the contrary, a crisis situation for every family. The way of life of the spouses completely changes, responsibility increases, fatigue from the appearance of a baby in the house does not leave both parents for a minute, disagreements, if there were any before the birth of the child, not only do not decrease, but even become aggravated for some time. There is no need to entertain the illusion that everything will be resolved by itself with the birth of a child. Situations need to be resolved and preferably before the baby arrives. The appearance of a child should be in a well-established, morally prepared family for the birth of a child, in which the moment of “grinding” the characters and habits of both spouses has successfully ended.

Another point that psychologists point out to women is your hope and belief that a child, due to its birth, will be able to change the character of your spouse, or that with the birth of a child, your husband’s fading love for you will “rise from the ashes” - at least least naive and destructive to you. There is no need to operate with the appearance of a child as another trump card in marital relations, and even more so to blackmail a man with his appearance. The child should appear as a logical conclusion to a happy family that has taken place, in which two loving people are anxiously waiting for the moment when their “cell” is replenished with one more small sovereign family member ...

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Text: Yana Filimonova

The family myth is a concept from systemic family therapy. Examples of myths were described by the "Milan group" of psychotherapists - Palazzoli, Boscolo, Chekkin and Prata - and the Russian psychotherapist Anna Varga in works on systemic family therapy. Myth is the banner, the motto under which the family stands. This is a very general and categorical answer to the question of who we are and how we live. Myths are not in every family, and they appear for a reason.

The family myth should unite the family and arises during periods of great stress and social upheaval, when the family is under threat of disintegration due to external circumstances: a change in the political regime, wars, repressions, during emigration. At the same time, despite the fact that the myth is born just then, it persists for many generations. It is believed that the family myth is always dysfunctional, because it dictates rigid and unchanging standards of life, which in calm conditions usually hinder rather than help a person. Family myths are a powerful thing, they can be difficult to understand and even more so to get out of their influence on your own: this is a long work that is best done together with a psychotherapist. We tell you what the most common myths might look like and how they affect people's lives.

“One for all, and all for one”, or “Well, just the perfect family”

The myth of the ideal family is a myth of friendship, universal love, kindness and respect. Of course, in a kind and functional family, all these feelings are already present. But living people cannot experience only inexhaustible love and joy from communicating with each other: in any family there are quarrels, disagreements, irritation and even anger.

The myth of a perfectly close-knit family excludes these feelings; family members do not consider them. This, of course, does not mean that they do not exist. This is where the trap lies: a person brought up in the family myth of friendship is sure that he cannot and does not have the right to be angry with other family members or notice that they behave towards him somehow unpleasantly, not the way he would like. People from such families can describe their parents as ideal, a wonderful couple, and their family as very close-knit and friendly. Any attitude and any actions will be interpreted as manifestations of love and care.

“Care” at the same time may look rather strange from the outside. For example, a mother insisted on breaking up a growing son with a girl. The family believes that in fact she was right, because that girl didn’t suit her son at all, he just didn’t notice it before. Mom allegedly opened his eyes - and she needs to be thanked for this. Or the older sister is supposedly very friendly towards the younger one: “kindly” points out the flaws in her appearance, warns that her husband can get someone on the side if she does not lose weight and start taking care of herself.

Often, teenagers from "ideal" families remain tightly connected with the family and are devoted to their parents first of all until the end of their lives, and put their partner and their own children in second place.

The famous "Milan group" - the founders of systemic family therapy - described an example from their practice, when the family of Italian farmers who moved to the city turned out to be the bearer of the myth. The family retained a "communal" rural way of life: several brothers with their wives and children lived in a large house. A fourteen-year-old girl from this family, the daughter of one of the brothers, fell ill with anorexia nervosa and practically melted before our eyes. Parents did not understand where such a trouble came from in their beautiful and friendly family.

It gradually became clear that the girl spent a lot of time with her cousin - the parents of both girls were very happy about this, in every possible way encouraged their joint leisure. But their relationship was actually not at all friendly: the cousin was jealous of the second girl, believing that she was more beautiful than her, and therefore teased the patient, made fun of her and treated her cruelly. The girl was naturally angry with her sister, but at the same time she could not afford such feelings: after all, in a friendly family, no one should be angry and offended by relatives - especially since the parents explained all the actions of the cousin with love. Feeling angry and spoiled, having violated family rules, the girl “punished” herself with illness and literally tried to starve herself to death.

The carriers of the myth of a close-knit family are characterized by a huge sense of guilt for any unfriendly feelings towards relatives, refusal to help, a desire to live their own life, separate from the family. Therefore, people with psychosomatic illnesses, depressive or anxiety disorders often appear in such families. It is very difficult for teenagers from "ideal" families to go through a period of separation from their parents, since this completely contradicts the myth. Often they remain firmly connected with the family and are devoted to their parents first of all for the rest of their lives, and they put their partner and their own children in second place.

The myth of becoming human

Anna Varga in her book calls it "We are the people". This is a myth that people are not born, but become - through education and familiarization with culture. The carriers of this myth respect intellect and knowledge, read a lot, believe, for example, that there is a whole set of books, without reading which a person cannot be considered a cultured and generally “real” person. It is customary to affectionately call children in such families some kind of animals - "hares", "seals" and "fish", and swear - "pigs", "cattle" and "animals" (although, of course, this is not the only sign of the myth). The myth says that the human appearance can not only be acquired, but also lost if you stop following development and start being lazy: in this way you will turn into a “seal”, “sloth”, or even worse, a “boar”. The carriers of this myth are very fond of learning and can receive several higher educations in a row. This has nothing to do with career success, while the family may be on the verge of poverty, and additional education may not have any practical value.

The consequences of this myth are especially painful for today's families, who have been separated by the digital age. Parents lament that their children do not read anything - which means they will never become “people”. They are not convinced that their daughter or son may have excellent abilities in mathematics, programming, and competent speech, since they read and write a lot on the Internet. The only important thing is that there was no formal, “correct” introduction to culture, and this is very bitter for parents. If a child suddenly discovers in himself a penchant for some kind of practical activity and wants to go to college, and not to a university, this can also become a real drama.

The myth of heroes

This is perhaps one of the most common myths in Russia - it happened because of the peculiarities of the history of our country. It is formed when a family has to exist in unbearable conditions - during war, famine, repression. The myth says that family members are heroes, they will endure everything. It really helps to do things that go beyond ordinary, peaceful life: starve to feed children, live in a dugout and be a partisan in a detachment, go through a war, hide from pursuers.

In a calm and well-fed time, the myth becomes dysfunctional, but often continues to live for many more generations. The carriers of this myth must create conditions for themselves to fight heroically, overcome difficulties and trials. In the absence of serious problems, they are very successful in creating them and just as successfully solving them in order to get involved in some kind of alteration again.

The heroes have emotions at the limit: friendship is forever, and if there is a quarrel, then for the rest of their lives. The heroes are very demanding of themselves and other people, “whiners” and “comfort lovers” are often despised

The carriers of this myth can, for example, organize such a busy schedule for themselves so as not to get enough sleep in principle, to run everywhere and still be late. They are constantly in conditions of physical discomfort: they forget to eat or dress according to the weather, because food is not the main thing, but the main thing is business. They simply do not know how to live in calm conditions: they were not taught this in the family, this is an unfamiliar way of life for them. If suddenly the hero has a period of success and calm, when no difficulties are foreseen, his anxiety may sharply increase or even a depressive state may begin. He does not know how to live in such an environment and feels like a deep-sea fish that has been pulled to the surface.

The heroic myth prescribes not only the rules of life, but also the scope of feelings. The heroes have emotions at the limit, at the maximum: friendship forever, and if there is a quarrel, then for the rest of their lives, mortal insults, fatal love (and often tormenting). There are no halftones - calm sympathy, warm affection or slight annoyance. The heroes are very demanding of themselves and other people, "whiners" and "lovers of comfort" are often despised. Indeed, when there is an eternal battle around, they only interfere.

The myth of the rescuer and the rescued

This is, in a sense, a subspecies of the heroic myth, only one person becomes a knight in shining armor, who must help out the rest of the family. This myth is clearly visible from the outside: family members constantly talk about one person, that he is their hope, support, they can directly declare that she or he literally “saves” the family. Or the rescuer himself can identify himself in this way: in the speech of such people, as if jokingly, the words “need to save” (instead of “need to help), “I save everyone”, “I fly to help”, “they will be lost without me” and the like. It doesn’t matter what the rescuer does: he earns well and shares money, takes the “rescued” to hospitals and emergency rooms or picks them up from police stations (and often combines all these functions) - the main thing is that he is indispensable for his family.

The situation differs from ordinary mutual assistance in that in the family of those being rescued, the functions of superman are always performed by the same person. And the worst thing, alas, is that the rest, in order to maintain the myth, are forced to act in a certain way - otherwise it will not be necessary to save them, and the family's identity will be in jeopardy. Therefore, the “rescued” conflict with the authorities and quit the job that they started two weeks ago, drink alcohol, take drugs, do not treat illnesses and commit any other actions that systematically endanger their well-being. The lifeguard rescues them, exhausts himself, but continues to fulfill his role. Their relationship with a partner is also built on the principle of salvation. Codependency is a model of relationship that they are familiar with, and they are used to showing love in this way.

A myth in family psychology is an irrational (unfounded) belief, idea, understanding about the family, relationships between family members, which is not questioned. The concept of "family myth" in family psychotherapy was first described by M. Ferreira in 1963.

In family psychotherapy, myths are distinguished that are inherent in a particular family, based on its history (specific family legends), and cultural myths broadcast through television, films and literature, and shared by a large part of the population.

We will talk about the latter. Cultural myths or ideas about love and family life, shared by this or that person, determine his behavior, his reaction to the behavior of his spouse. In this case, three destructive moments can be distinguished:

Mismatch of family myths (representations) of the spouses;

Uncritical perception by a person of this idea (“It is so, because it cannot be otherwise”);

The impossibility of resolving a conflict situation, since the situation is viewed distortedly, through the prism of a myth.

Consider the most common myths about love and family.

1) The myth of eternal love:“If we fell in love with each other, then this is forever, regardless of our relationship (quarrels, neglect, etc.), regardless of personal changes (change in character, personality orientation, etc.). If love has passed, then it was not true love, because true love is eternal.

Earlier we considered the psychology of love and compatibility. We now know that love as an emotional state, a feeling can pass, especially if the spouses demonstrate a clear incompatibility of values ​​​​and worldviews. Moreover, love is work, and without investing mental strength in maintaining and developing relationships of love, one cannot hope for their long continuation.

2) The myth of the magical power of love:“We are very different, we don’t like a lot in each other (lack of education, addiction to alcohol, inability to cook, etc.), but we love each other, love makes it possible to solve all our problems. The most important thing is to love, and the rest will be settled.

Young people often, noticing the shortcomings of their chosen one, secretly hope to “fix” him in marriage, relying on the love between them. All this can turn into a certain bargaining of love feelings: “If you love me, then you will do what I ask,” “If you love me, then give me what I want.” Agree, no love can fulfill such requirements.

In fact, love is indeed a strong stimulus for personal change, for building relationships and mutual understanding. However, the optimal state of affairs will be when all these changes occur mutually and voluntarily. At the same time, they do not affect the deep foundations of the personality, its essence, the essence of the way of life. Otherwise, a person faces a choice: stay with a loved one and “lose” himself, give up everything that is dear and valuable, or save himself, but leave. Agree, the choice is not easy. But a person must make a choice himself, without pressure and without regret about the choice made ...

3) The myth of the "transparent ball":“We love each other, which means we know without words what our beloved wants, what he feels, what he thinks. If you ask me about my feelings and desires or misunderstand them, then you do not love me.

This is a very insidious myth. He “forbids” spouses to ask about the state, desires, needs, etc. After all, questions like: “Why are you so sad?”, “Did you like how we spent the evening?”, “How should I behave when you very tired?" can cause indignation of the “second half”: “You also ask ?! Don't you (yourself) guess? Isn't that clear?" etc.

A somewhat comical, but very revealing example is given by V. Satir in his book “How to Build Yourself and Your Family”:

“I remember a couple who came to me feeling dissatisfied with their 20 year marriage. During the conversation with them, it became clear that each of the spouses was constantly trying to guess the thoughts of the other - since the idea of ​​the “transparent ball” became the main setting of the spouses, they have lost the opportunity to ask each other questions. In some cases, they correctly guessed each other's desires, in others they did not, which gave rise to disagreements and dissatisfaction with each other.

While I was working with them, the couple accepted my offer to speak more openly. And then the moment came when I asked everyone to honestly talk about mutual grievances. Here the husband literally exploded: “I want you to finally stop feeding me this damned spinach all the time!” After the wife recovered from the shock, she replied, “I hate spinach, but I thought you loved it. I just wanted to please you."

Having established the origins of this conflict from the very beginning, we found out that at the first stage of family life, the wife asked her husband what dishes he likes. He told her that whatever she cooked would be perfect. The wife did her own research to find out which dishes he still likes. One day she heard her husband reprimand his young nephew for not eating spinach; she regarded it as a manifestation of love for this dish.

4) The myth of the absolute openness of spouses:“We love each other, we have a happy marriage, so we have nothing to hide from each other, we tell each other everything. If someone hides something, does not tell, this is a sign of trouble in the family.

At first glance, this myth is the opposite of the previous one, but this is not entirely true. The essence of this myth lies in the ban on personal, independent of the spouse, life. You can read letters addressed to your spouse, look in your desk drawer or pockets (“Why are you indignant, do you have something to hide from me?”), You can call several times a day and ask: “Where are you? What are you doing?" etc. Here (as always in human relations) the moment of voluntariness is important - I tell my spouse what I consider important and necessary, while I have the right not to talk about something. Remember, speaking about the options for marital adaptation, we identified the optimal one, when the spouses, on the one hand, have a lot in common, and on the other hand, each spouse can have his own life, not related to the other spouse.

Example from practice: A woman approached me with complaints of frequent quarrels with her husband. At the same time, she repeatedly emphasized that she does everything with the best of intentions, but for some reason her husband is often angry with her. For example, she said that the husband earns most of the money in the family, but recently he has begun to give less to her for housekeeping. To her questions about what he spends money on, he always answered irritably. After another such unpleasant conversation, the husband began to write down his income and expenses. For a while, the quarrels about this subsided. However, once again getting acquainted with the records, the wife found in the column with expenses a significant amount (more than 2,000 rubles) without a signature, for which it was spent. With this question, she turned to her husband, who did not answer her for a long time ("It's not important", "You'll find out later", etc.). In the end, he got angry, took out a new food processor and said in his hearts: “This is what I spent money on! I wanted to give you a gift by March 8!”

Telling all this, the woman was sincerely upset and perplexed: “And why was he so angry? I after all simply asked - money after all considerable! I didn't know it was a gift!"

5) The myth of the mutual resonance of the spouses:“We love each other, we are happy together, so we should always think, feel and act the same. If this is not so, then there is no love.

Based on this myth, the love of two people means their complete resemblance to each other. The simplest example: in the evening after work, the husband and wife meet at home: the husband is tired and upset, he is in trouble; the wife is cheerful, her boss approved her proposal, praised it in front of the whole team. The wife begins to share her joy with her husband, to which he cuts her off: “You have fun, right? Of course you don't care that I'm in trouble at work! If you truly loved me, you would not be happy, but would worry with me! Or another example: “How can you read these stupid detective stories?! I don't understand! This is stupid and boring. Read better Lukyanenko - this is real interesting literature!

And although we talked about the need for the coincidence of basic values, worldview, interests, etc. as a necessary condition for the continuation of love in time, love is still acceptance and acceptance uniqueness another person, his originality.

6) The myth of permanent marital happiness:“We have a happy marriage, so we should never quarrel, argue with each other, we cannot be unhappy with each other. If this is not the case, then our happy married life is in jeopardy.”

This myth “forbids” spouses to express their opinion, if it does not coincide with the opinion of the other, their dissatisfaction with each other, to tell the partner that they don’t like something in his behavior or actions. Any conflict, disagreement is perceived as a disaster. But, as we have already discussed, without clarifying the positions of everyone, without discussing disagreements and contradictions, it is impossible to achieve true harmony and well-being in the family. Moreover, and we also already talked about this, the relationship between two loving people is dynamic: there are periods of well-being and peace, and there are periods of fatigue and irritability - this is life ...

All these myths are quite stable in the minds of people, as they are actively replicated in melodramatic films and romance novels. They can be combined into a conditional group of "romantic myths". People who have such ideas about the relationship between a man and a woman dream of “real” love, which means the complete identity of two, a cloudless existence, the impossibility of existing alone (“We Always we will be together All we will do together”, “we never let's not quarrel", "If something happens to you, I I can not live"). Suffice it to recall Romeo and Juliet ... I do not propose to completely abandon romantic ideas about love, I propose to think, analyze and consciously build your relationship with your loved one.

The following myths are more universal, they can relate not only to relationships of love and marriage, but also relationships with all people (children, colleagues, casual acquaintances). However, we will consider them in the context of family psychology.

7) The myth of the external determination of emotions:“You are responsible for my emotions, my mood, my feelings. You can hurt me, or you can make me happy (happy). And if I'm sad or angry, then you just don't want to make me happy (happy)."

Based on this myth, a person places responsibility for his mood, emotional state on others: someone annoys him, and someone pleases him. The person himself is not responsible for his emotions. However, let me remind you that there are emotions is our subjective attitude towards the environment our reaction to the words or actions of another person. And the person himself is responsible for his feelings, his mood, the level of his happiness. Compare: “You offended me” and “I was offended by you”; "You made me mad" and "I got mad at you." And if in the first case an accusation sounds, then in the second - a message about one's condition. If in the first case the dispute can last for a long time, without leading to anything (“You offended me!” - “No, I didn’t offend you!” - “No, I offended you! It’s better for me to know whether you offended me or not!” - “No, I know better!” - and so on endlessly), then in the second there is a way out - you can talk, listen and speak out.

8) The myth of guilt and punishment:“If something negative happens in our life together, in our relationship (quarrels, irritation, etc.), then someone is to blame. The most important thing is to find the culprit, punish him, and then everything will work out.”

This myth is a prime example of linear or cause-and-effect thinking, which, as we have already discussed, does not apply to human relationships. Both parties are included in the marital relationship, which means that both parties share responsibility for their relationship. Indeed, in a quarrel, both spouses raise their voices at each other, throw accusations, etc.

At the same time, we are not able to fully control all the events that occur in our lives - there are accidents. And it is useless to ask who is to blame, say, for the fact that a loved one fell ill, or that he fell and broke his leg. In such situations, there is no one to blame - there is a confluence of circumstances that cannot be foreseen (it’s not without reason that people say: “If I knew where to fall, I would lay a straw”).

When there are difficulties in relationships or life troubles, it is much more productive to decide what can be done about it, how it can be overcome (look forward), rather than looking for the culprit (look back).

9) The myth of one main reason:“We have a problem; in order to eliminate it, it is necessary to find its main source (the absence of a child in the family, the stubbornness of the spouse, cohabitation with parents, etc.) - and the problem will be solved.”

This myth is a continuation of the previous one, another manifestation of cause-and-effect thinking. Often, when faced with a particular problem in their lives, spouses look for its “main” cause, as they believe that its elimination will allow them to cope with the problem. At the same time, the cause is not sought in relationships, but outside, in some external circumstances. For example, a wife, believing that her married life is not going well, sees the reason that her husband does not earn enough money, which he regularly informs his spouse about (the reason for discontent is lack of money). The husband finds a new well-paid job, now the wife reproaches him for not paying enough attention to the family (the reason is the husband's distance from the family). In order to “return” the husband to the family, the wife decides to have a child. In turn, the birth of a child requires an increase in material costs, therefore, the spouse is forced to work more. Thus, the search for the "main" cause only exacerbates the wife's dissatisfaction with family life. In fact, satisfaction with life together is the result of many components (one's own expectations, material wealth, manifestation of care and affection, the opportunity for self-realization, sexual satisfaction, etc.), which are closely interconnected, and the selection of any one component as the leading impossible.

We often hear various stories about the family life of a couple. These stories can be both about a happy marriage and a family that could not find inner harmony. When many of us think about our marriage or are just about to start a family, we experience various feelings. It could be love, it could be fear, it could be happiness, it could be resentment. So many families, so many stories. Everyone makes mistakes “stepping on a rake”, forgive or not forgive, stumble - these are all real problems.

But despite all the problems, the family is happiness, peace, security, love and a lot of interesting things. But the new generation sees more difficulties than positive and is afraid to create their own families or very quickly ruin what they create. Therefore, especially for them, it is worth highlighting 7 myths about family life that have been tested by time and statistics.

1. No quarrels and disagreements

This is one of the most common marriage myths. Many books and manuals on creating and maintaining a family trumpet that there should be no quarrels and disagreements in the family. But don't take it so personally! There are no families in which they do not sort things out at all or do not quarrel. Because two different people who are not indifferent to each other are trying to establish contact by trial and error. And the younger the marriage, the more such disagreements will be. But in the end they will lead to mutual understanding.

2. You must find a doppelgänger

This is another very serious misconception. There are no two perfectly similar people in their hobbies, interests, hobbies and aspirations. If you were able to like each other, go on dates, arrange your wedding and come to a consensus, then you are already suitable for each other. At the same time, nothing prevents you from being different and sharing your knowledge from different fields with each other. It, on the contrary, is fascinating and broadens the horizons of each of the couple.

3. Marriage should not be early

A very deeply rooted stereotype - if an early marriage, then the bride is pregnant. All this is in the past, now society is developing very quickly and people find each other at a very early age. And if you both want to tie your fate, then you should not be afraid of it. Of course, you do not need to acquire huge debts to organize a wedding. After all, the main thing is not the triumph, but the fact that you legally belong to each other.

4. Husband and wife should be kindred spirits

Finding a soul mate to start a family is like chasing yesterday. Many people who are obsessed with finding a soul mate have missed so many wonderful potential spouses with whom they would be happy. The paradox is that a soul mate becomes married. People work on their relationships throughout their life together. They adjust in something, change, somewhere they make compromises, they are carried away by the interests of another, and here she is - a kindred spirit next to you. She didn't have to look!

5. Co-sleeping in a quarrel

There is a very ambiguous opinion here, but a big mistake is that people having a fight go to sleep in different rooms or on different beds. During sleep, you are not together. You can take a break from each other, think or just enjoy your dreams. In the morning, waking up in the same bed, you will have no choice but to go to reconciliation. And if you lie down in different rooms, then the conflict can turn into a very serious contention. Just going to bed, tune in to positive thoughts.

6. Your life plans must be consistent

This myth is very much in common with points 2 and 4. Its essence is that all people have different plans for life. They can overlap only at some points, but they should not be the same at all. After all, the husband will have a plan: to arrange a career, get married, have a child, throw all his strength into a career in order to provide for his family and self-actualize. For a woman, the plan will be a little different: a career, get married, get pregnant, give birth to a child, raise a child, a career along the way. This is the most common model. And if we consider smaller goals, then there will be very strong differences between men and women. So don't chase ghostly stereotypes.

7. It's a happy marriage...

Family relationships do not mean happiness every day. And do not think that if there were hard days this week and you do not feel happy, then your marriage has failed. This is stupid and wrong. It is not for nothing that there are marriage vows and "... both in sorrow and in joy, and in wealth and in poverty ...". It is worth working on your marriage, constantly and diligently, and only then there will be much more happy days than sad ones!

There are a lot of myths about family life. It is always interesting to visit the anniversaries of couples who have lived for a very long time. They have a lot to learn.