Male look: female tears are sexy. Men do not cry? Psychologist on the nature of tears in the What Real Men Cry Like project
What are tears?
Everyone knows that people can cry. Just what are tears? Someone considers them a protective mechanism: a mote got into the eye - that's where the tears flowed. For others, tears are, first of all, a manifestation of strong emotions. Joy or sadness, feelings or torments of love - all these states can cause tears in a person.
We can say that there are reflex tears, necessary for moisturizing and cleansing the eyes. And there are emotional tears, companions of human feelings. Let's talk about those tears.
I love to cry...
The topic of tears is not interesting for everyone. However, it worries those people who always have "eyes in a wet place." Here is what they themselves say about tears.
- And it happened to me sometimes when I was very tired or worried for a very long time. It is enough to say at least one word when the limit is already there, and tears will flow in a stream on their own, and it is already difficult to stop them. You just need to cry.
- When I found out that my favorite actor had died, I could not believe it and cried, cried ... But why? I didn’t even personally know my idol, but I’m crying for him ...
- If a person cries, then he has a soul!
I cry just like that, for no reason. Why so, it is not clear. I could cry at any moment, just think about something - like the death of Snape from Harry Potter. Am I crazy?
Yes, tears are really comforting. Here you cry, and as if a stone has fallen from your soul, you forget about the problems for a while, or the problems cease to be problems at all.
Who cries all the time? What does all of this mean?
Someone cries openly, and someone is embarrassed by their tears and hides them. After all, sometimes tears in people meet misunderstanding on the part of others. Many consider emotional manifestations in the form of tears a sign of weakness ... Therefore, the question is on the agenda: “Why am I crying and can’t do anything about it, while others don’t cry at all?”
The system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan brings clarity to this issue. Emotional manifestations in the form of tears are most characteristic of the owners of the visual vector. A vector is a set of desires and properties of the human psyche, there are eight vectors in total.
The owners of the visual vector, and there are only five percent of such people, are characterized by the highest degree of emotionality, which can manifest itself in a wide range. Their need to change emotional states is very strong, but unconscious - it is in the range of these changes that the viewer feels life. Emotions can change each other instantly. It happens that a person is sad and lonely, and the next moment he already experiences enthusiastic feelings and a surging love for everything around. At the peak of feelings, tears seem to pour from large beautiful eyes. Accompany the viewer in sorrow and in joy.
Since we see the world through ourselves, people without the same mental properties seem to the viewer to be callous, thick-skinned, heartless. The emotional spectator attributes manifestations of emotions even to animals: I saw in my childhood how a cow was crying, which was loaded onto a truck to be taken to the slaughter ... Not only a person cries from pain ... " They also attribute the ability to feel to plants, and small spectators to toys.
According to the system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan, such properties as emotionality and frequent tears are not our choice, but a natural reality. All our desires, needs and properties are due to the presence of one or another vector. The need to cry is an innate mental property of the owner of the visual vector. Therefore, tears, as an opportunity to relieve internal emotional stress, are necessary for spectators - children and adults, men and women.
However, if a child, girl or woman cries, this is perceived as normal. What happens if a man cries? In our society, men's tears cause bewilderment, sometimes rejection (especially from men with an anal vector: "Are you a man or what?"). But if a man with a visual vector has such a need, then you can do it, only not in public, but in a private setting.
Such different tears
Usually tears accompany strong emotional experiences, however, here the cause of tears may vary. The system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan explains what this difference is. We have already mentioned that the amplitude of emotional experiences in a person with a visual vector varies over a very wide range: from fear for oneself to love for all people.
What determines what kind of emotions the viewer feels and what feelings he or she experiences? It depends on the degree of development of his innate properties in childhood and on their realization in adulthood. If the properties of the visual vector are not sufficiently developed and realized, then a person does not know how to create emotional connections with others. Usually the tears of such a person are associated with self-pity. And the feelings and suffering of other people do not find a response in his soul.
If the potential of visual properties, namely the ability to empathize and sympathize with other people, is developed and realized, a person is able to experience for another more than for himself, to feel his feelings as his own. Let's look at the differences.
What is crying? What's a roar?
The harmful physicist gave you, an excellent student, a four instead of five - and you are unable to restrain loud sobs. Here you were pushed in the bus - and your eyes immediately filled with tears, you stand, barely holding back so as not to sob loudly and bitterly. The boss at work arranged a check and reprimanded - again you sit and cry. Relationships are not going well, and so you want to fly from love - and again into tears. And how sweet it is to cry before going to bed in a pillow! How bad I feel ... I'm so unhappy ...
Many people remember Agnia Barto's poem “The Roar Girl” from childhood, which “Cries, Fills, Wipes with a Dress ...” Who among us has not met such girls in life - both small and quite adults?
Here they are, “tears into ourselves”, when we cry out of self-pity: “No one loves me.” "I don't need anyone." "Why did I have to suffer so much?" “I'm so tired of loneliness”... Such tears are bitter, burning... They only temporarily relieve tension.
In this case, we do not think that someone else at the same moment can be a thousand times worse and bitter, because “my finger” hurts - I hurt. And the fact that another's soul is torn from pain does not concern me. There is even a folk saying about this: “Another's tear is water” ... I feel sorry for MYSELF, I want to be loved and pitied for ME.
And sometimes the tears of such a spectator generally turn into a tool for manipulating other people, a way to attract attention to themselves. This usually happens unconsciously.
Tears of compassion
There are other tears as well. You are in the cinema watching the tragic story of the main character of the film: she loses her sight, is about to go blind, she has to work hard for her son, but her plans and life itself are crumbling before our eyes. And here you are sitting in a dark hall and squishing your nose, and as the tragedy of the plot is being pumped up, you can hardly hold back your sobs. Only darkness hides your abundant tears. You look around: everything is calm, people are sitting, just watching a movie ...
Got caught on a TV story about orphans. The stories of babies abandoned by their parents also do not leave indifferent. You sincerely wonder how you can do this to a child, how a mother can live in peace, not being interested in her blood. How does the baby survive, care and love? And again the eyes are full of tears ...
But tears overtake you not only in the tragic stories of human lives, but also in joy. Whenever you hear a story about the greatness of human genius, about people and teams that have made breakthroughs for the benefit of all mankind, when you see the fundamental results of human labor and creativity - beautiful buildings, temples, objects of art, you are filled with an extraordinary feeling of awareness of the greatness of Man and belonging to all mankind. And again, tears flow from my eyes, and such inspiration is inside, I so want to do something big, important for all people!
The article was written using materials from online trainings on system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan
Chapter:
5 chose
A friend for tea with a cake tells her sad story: "We quarreled and I cried. Imagine, for the first time in my life, I cried in front of him! And do you know how he reacted? He yelled at me! I couldn't understand - he sees that I feel bad, why is he trying to make it even worse?" In her thoughts, the former lover seemed to be the embodiment of evil and cruelty. And in my opinion, his behavior is the rule rather than the exception. More than once I saw men who reacted inadequately to women's tears. But I couldn't figure out why this is happening.
I even envy a little women who know how to get their own way with tears. In my opinion, tears can achieve a lot - a scandal, aggravation of a quarrel, mutual insults, but not the desired result.
Psychologist Maria Pugacheva told what an aggressive reaction to tears can be connected with. 
“Usually, in response to tears, those men who internally do not feel sufficient strength and confidence are annoyed. These are men with some complexes, who themselves could cry a lot in childhood, who were often pitied by their mother, offended by their peers in kindergarten or school. For them tears in themselves are a very painful subjective experience, so they try in every way to avoid it.Either yell at the woman to stop crying, or generally seek to avoid this traumatic situation and just leave.This is an unconscious process and no man will admit to his hidden motives, because sometimes he himself is not aware of them", says the psychologist.
According to Maria Pugacheva, stronger men are calm about manifestations of weakness on the part of a woman. In such cases, they immediately want to hug and regret loved one.
However, such a man can also be "spoiled." If he sees the tears of his girlfriend too often, he will suspect they are an attempt to manipulate and will begin to show aggression in response. Moreover, this negative reaction to tears can be a heavy legacy to pass from the past girl to all future ones.
It is extremely difficult to change this situation on your own. It’s easier to get into the habit of not crying in front of your husband, so as not to provoke a conflict. “However, if a loved one is ready for a “debriefing”, try to find out what he doesn’t like, why it annoys him. In response, explain why you are crying, that this is not manipulation, but the inability to react differently. Perhaps then the man will be able to better understand and feel you and such conflicts will be avoided", suggested Maria Pugacheva.
Have you encountered a sharp or inadequate reaction of men to tears? Tell your stories.
I don't know how women go through a breakup. But I can say for sure at what cost a parting is given to a man. Because I tested it myself...
... She did not scream, did not make claims and did not make accusations. She calmly said that she was tired of our relationship and did not want to continue it. I tried to stop her, grabbed her hands and sat her on the sofa: “Explain what I'm doing wrong? Is it me, or have you found someone else? And she sadly raised her eyes like this: “Firstly, you don’t do it, but you did it. Second, it's not about you. It's up to us." She carefully closed the door, and I was left alone ...
Day one: "It can't be"
At first, the situation did not seem tragic. I smoked, played with my jaws and was angry as hell: “Nothing, now he will come to his senses, cool down, and we will be together again.” He did not take his eyes off the mobile - suddenly the long-awaited strumming would be heard, and the "traitor" would make itself felt. She will write or say that she got excited, that she cannot live without me - after all, we have gone through this so many times! Of course, for the sake of appearance, I will be a little more serious, I will say, they say, I need to think. In the meantime, we both have time, we can go for a beer ... No, not to celebrate freedom, but to dull the feeling of resentment a little. Still, when you are thrown, it is terribly unpleasant ...
The phone woke me up only in the morning, but not with a call or a message - the alarm clock was ringing. I rushed to look through the display for missed calls: she did not try to disturb me. Blood rushed to the head: cruel, heartless scoundrel! I love, I worry, I'm waiting for a call, and you ...
Day two: "Is it really true?"
At work, everything fell apart. The boss talked about something for half an hour, calling me into his office, and I obediently nodded and tried to make a meaningful look. And he constantly thought: “I hope she is as bad as me.” Returning to the workplace, the first thing I did was change the screensaver on the computer monitor, putting instead of her photo a picture of a luxurious racing car: there’s nothing for me to smile at 32 teeth! The car is a sure thing, it will never get tired of!
And then I looked at our common photos for a long time. Here we are at the sea, that day she got burned in the sun, and in the evening I smeared her hot body with cool kefir and waved a wet towel at her - I created a breeze. And here we are after a trip for mushrooms. They didn’t collect anything, and they didn’t try too hard, to be honest. They raked the fallen golden leaves into a soft pile, fell on the “bed” and kissed, kissed ... And this is her first shot: wet and unhappy, she looks resentfully into the lens. I just bought a digital camera and, waiting for her to come to our cafe, I began to click. And she got caught in the rain, water dripped from her hair onto her skirt and blouse - at least squeeze it out, there’s no time for posing in front of the camera, so it turned out to capture the offended fairy ...
I can't lose her. It's not true, it can't be true. She will return, and everything will be fine with us ...
Wow! How about nostalgic? - Igor, a friend and colleague, laughed behind him.
There was no desire to maintain a playful tone of conversation, besides, I have no secrets from Igor, so I cut it openly:
You know, I'm free now, N and I broke up. In the soul of a cat scratching - sentry. Can you help with advice, friend?
Max, you're scaring me! What is there to worry about? Take a look around - girls darkness-darkness! We will choose for you a beautiful one, so that the legs from the ears and chest, like Anna Semenovich. Today is Friday, let's go bowling after work! - Igor was frankly bad at portraying the violent. It is clear that he made a roll so that I would hold the tail with a gun, but I felt bad ...
Harry, I don't want to go anywhere. You see, the catch is that I love her and other young ladies do not interest me, quantity cannot replace quality. Are there any other tips on how to drown out the melancholy-badness?
Igor instantly got rid of the buffoon mask:
Maybe get drunk? Good enough to make your head buzz? So that all thoughts were only about how to beat a hangover?
Not an exit. I do not respect this matter, besides, from the experience of experienced people, I know that it will not help.
Won Leha, after parting with his, said goodbye to love in a bar. It was good to say goodbye, drink a lot and eat a little. As a result, after an hour and a half, he was crying with drunken tears into the phone, begging his mademoiselle to return, hiccuping and sobbing interspersed. And then he called her with threats, they say, if you don’t return, you will regret it. When the guards asked him to leave the establishment, Lekha behaved incorrectly. As a result, I had to get a sick leave - where would you show yourself with such a “lantern” under your eye? He bypasses that ill-fated bar on the tenth road and still shudders at the thought that he can meet witnesses of his solo performance “Goodbye, my love, goodbye!” No, no, thank you, I don’t want to get into the criminal chronicle, so it won’t work with the alcohol option.
Igorek tensed up and issued:
Do you know Mikhalych from the support department? He said that when he divorced his wife, he began to eat like crazy. He chewed something all the time - either sandwiches, or nuts, or croutons. In three months I gained twenty kilos ... And then I decided to unwind, invite a pretty girl on a date. I drove up to one with a proposal, and she tactlessly stated, they say, large men do not interest me. Mikhalych saw himself in the mirror and gasped: a hippopotamus as he is! I took care of myself, signed up for a gym, lost weight and met a new passion ...
Igor, are you suggesting or warning? Should I start eating from the belly to get fat to the elephant, and then start losing weight? A good way to get over separation!
Day three: "We must act!"
He never parted with his cell phone even in the toilet. Nothing, no call, no email. Several times he tried to call her himself, but stopped in time. I didn’t go to dinner - I don’t feel like eating or drinking, but I set a world record for the number of cigarettes smoked. All the time it hurts in the left side of the chest, where the heart is. And it seems that I am empty inside, that all organs have been removed from me. Now I understand the expression "as if the soul was taken out." I don’t know about the soul, but I can’t breathe at all ...
The mood changes like patterns in a kaleidoscope. Sometimes it seems: right now, this second the door will open, my N will come in and say: “I missed you.” And I will pull her to me, bury my nose in my hair and for a long, long time I will not let go of me. And everything will be fine with us. And when a miraculous return does not occur, such apathy sets in, even as a wolf howl. You think: “Yes, burn it all with a blue flame! I'll live somehow. Nothing, there will be a holiday on my street, and the girls will love me, and I will love them too.
No, I will not love anyone. This is very painful. I don’t want to depend on another person, I don’t want to hear one day: “I’m tired of relationships.” Perhaps this is how cynics are born. We are all at the beginning, and having survived the departure of our beloved, we become angry and do not believe in love. I will never love anyone again...
Figured out what to do! I will achieve awesome success, become rich and famous, she will still bite her elbows that she missed such a guy. He will see me, so cool and beautiful, and ask for a date, and I will roam around enough. Come on, let's look for a new job, monetary and prestigious ...
Well, to hell with this idea. She left me, and without her I do not need anything.
Day four: "And then - soup with a cat"
Nothing good in life will ever happen again. It’s my own fault that she left: I was inattentive, jealous of her, laughed at N’s fears and habits, gave flowers only for her birthday and on March 8, praised her friend’s legs to annoy ... Hmm, a fair list of sins, you can’t count on forgiveness costs.
Outside the window is evening. An hour later I have a meeting with a pretty girl, invited me to a Japanese restaurant. Don’t think, I don’t have anything like that in my thoughts, I just want to unwind from sad thoughts. I will not insist on kisses and will not ask for a "cup of tea": I know that I will not be able to feel anything, I will think about N all the time. And if so, is it worth offending a good person? I called my counterpart and canceled the date.
Day Five: "And neither the church nor the tavern - nothing is sacred"
An article by a psychologist “How to survive a breakup with a loved one” caught my eye. It's strange, the psychologist seems to be an intelligent man, why does he give advice only for women? Or, like the young ladies, does he also think that we are insensitive chumps and are not a bit sad about parting? If so, he is not a psychologist at all, but a home-grown charlatan, he should be smacked in the face with his own article!
Hmm, the specialist advises girls to quickly get rid of suffering, get distracted, pamper themselves, buy something for themselves, get a manicure, master an interesting hobby and change their image. I thought: “And what could please me now?” Answer: "Only reconciliation with N." So girlish recipes in my case "do not channel."
Day Six: Mist
Last night I watched Pirates of the Caribbean. For the first time I watched alone, without her. And quite unexpectedly burst into tears of self-pity. These hot Georgian guys like Valiko Mizandari from “Mimino” can say: “Men are upset!”, And I am an unfortunate man who was abandoned. You say guys don't cry? Still crying!
He typed a message on his mobile phone: “I miss you,” but did not dare to send. Then he painfully invented a reason to call N, saying, "you forgot your CDs with me, we should meet." But she didn’t forget anything: no CDs, no books…
Day 30: Return to starting positions
I have already begun to slowly thaw, I felt a taste for life and even bought a new jacket to flaunt on the autumn streets. And when I was leaving the store, I collided nose to nose with N. And then I was pierced as if by an electric current, my mouth dried up and my eyes darkened, my heart pounded somewhere in my throat. And she just nodded and smiled: “Hi, Max!”
The countdown of days without her reset to zero and started again. How many times will I go through this?
You say men don't get over a breakup? Yes, I agree. But only if you don't love. I apologize for catching up with a minor: when you are thrown, it is terribly unpleasant ...
Larisa
ABOUT THE WEAKNESS OF THE MALE ((((
Ifigenia
MAN'S TEARS SAY THAT THEY REALLY PAIN IN THE HEART.
AND TEARS CAN NEVER BE CONSIDERED A WEAKNESS.
Larisa
(N) NO... A WOMAN IS ALWAYS EXCUSED))) BUT A MAN IS NOT... IF I SAW THAT MY MAN IS CRYING, IT DOESN'T MATTER FROM MENTAL PAIN OR PHYSICAL ..... I WOULD HAVE A RESPECT FOR HIM (((((N)(N)
Natalia
I don’t think so categorically that this is weakness. After all, sometimes people lose very close and dear people, and these are tears of bitterness and loss. In our church, both women and men sometimes cry during a period of repentance before God.
Anna
Real men cry very rarely, these tears can be respected (this is either very strong pain, sorrow, or great happiness that they cannot express in words)
Irina
The reasons for men's tears are the same as for women - pain, resentment, disappointment, joy ... But it is so customary that men hide tears, suppress feelings, but why. due to the fact that they must accept pain and feelings in themselves, especially since it is harmful ...
If a man cries, it says a lot!! This means VERY much pain, and looking at men's tears is VERY painful! If HE cries, then everything is REALLY serious! Men's tears are stingy and break out when the heart can no longer bear it. But if a man (you can’t call such a man) constantly whines, then this is really a rag, a squishy
Natalia
men also cry, only men's tears - they are completely different (I don't mean all sorts of whiners and nunics - I meant about real men)
Ifigenia
I AGREE WITH YOU ANNA AND NATALIA.
Lily
Tears are heartache, deep resentment, disappointment or the loss of a loved one. Mean male tears ... this is not a weakness ...
I don’t rank whiners and slobbers as men (N)
Nicholas
Tears, tear strife ....
I cried for the last time 7 years ago when my father died. And the last one recently, after watching the movie "The Island". And the eyes fill with tears, both from happiness and from pain. And I don’t think it’s “NOT A MAN” Only a callous and soulless person has dry eyes.
Irina
The first time I saw my husband crying, he was still studying at the medical academy, he did an operation on a dog, and after 3 days she died, these were tears, I'll tell you.
Irina
I remembered a good saying "Men don't cry, men get upset"
Olga
A whiner man can shed a tear for any reason, which is unlikely to cause positive emotions in anyone.
But the tears of a strong confident man speak of really strong, simply unbearable pain.
Probably, it is a defensive reaction of the organism.
Irina
Girls, that's why our men die earlier. Emotions keep everything in themselves, we then cried and that's all, but they have it all inside, here's a heart attack for you. But I have not met such men as whiners write, only in some cases I saw a mean male tear. For my husband then the loss of this dog was everything, the first operation and that's it. I don't despise him for that. For that, then he became a good surgeon!
Ella
My husband also cried when our first dog was hit by a car and died in his arms.... He suffered a lot more than I did. He cried when our parents died, when his granddaughter was born on his birthday, he cried with happiness.
Ifigenia
