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Do parents need to punish a child for bad behavior and how to do it right: punishment as a way of education. How to punish a child - what happens if you step over that “fine line” of education

The older children become, the less harmless their pranks, misconduct, experiments on parental prohibitions and rules. When punishing a child for behavior that does not comply with established orders, parents first of all want to ensure that wrong actions are not repeated, the child has learned what cannot be done and why. Effective punishments for children, applied with intelligence and sincere love, lead to positive results - even two-three-year-olds are able to understand what adults want from them and behave accordingly.

Within each family, there are certain, most often unspoken, norms of behavior that all adults adhere to and that children are taught to. An ideal upbringing is one where the question of punishment does not arise, because a child learns the right example from an early age, grows in a harmonious environment, naturally absorbs all the “possible” and “impossible”. Of course, for a modern family, this is a utopia - the scenarios for family relationships between mom and dad often differ, the older generation raised children, guided by completely different principles, having a different reality around, it is no longer an authority, an aggressive society leaves its mark. Thus, sooner or later, every parent is faced with disobedience, indecent behavior of the child, which must be corrected.

Let's look at the reasons why children behave badly:

It is impossible to cope with the above reasons for disobedience by using punishments for children - when encountering open confrontation, the child will begin to resist even more strongly.

Psychologists recommend that you first understand what lies at the root of unacceptable behavior, and make every effort to eradicate them. Reduce the number of prohibitions, the level of stress, streamline your own educational requirements, learn to hear the true needs of the little prankster.

At what age should sanctions be imposed?

A question of fundamental importance - at what age can disciplinary sanctions be introduced? Will there be any sense in punishing a child of one or two years? Studies of the child psyche have shown that babies begin to perceive themselves as a separate person from 2.5 - 3 years. From this age, the preschooler's own personality is formed, the awareness of one's "I", independence, the development of will begins.

Parents' doubts about younger children are justified - punishing a child under 2 years old does not make sense, since the baby has not yet learned to establish cause-and-effect relationships. He does not understand why mom deprives toys, dad sends him to a corner, and grandmother gets angry.

Does this mean that children under the age of three should be allowed to do everything? The boundaries of behavior can and should be outlined, explaining why it is dangerous to run out onto the road or pick an outlet. The difference lies in the fact that kids are distracted from unwanted actions, and sanctions are applied to older children.

What to punish and what not

The expediency of disciplinary actions is the most important condition for their effectiveness. What can be punished for a naughty offspring, and in what cases should one refrain, how to determine a reasonable limit?

It is worth applying sanctions when a child violates the laws well known to him, purposefully, consciously performs actions that harm surrounding people or objects. Punishment “for bad behavior” of any scale without clarifying the reasons should not be - perhaps a four-year-old boy took his mother's mug without permission, because he wanted to show concern, to make tea for her.

Inaccuracy. Preschoolers and younger students vomit, get dirty, lose their belongings, leave crumbs on the table, spill drinks - this is normal.
Physiological features: unwillingness to eat, "accident" with toilet affairs.
Manifestations of jealousy, affection: the baby does not want to be alone, pushes her sister away from her mother, refuses to share a toy with her brother, says that she does not love her grandmother.
Age, individual characteristics: lack of concentration, increased excitability, poor memory, inattention, rebelliousness, capriciousness of crisis periods.
Cognitive experiments: the study of puddles, a randomly painted table, disassembled toys, bottles of mom's shampoo poured into the bath. The fantasy of preschoolers is limitless, an inquisitive mind suggests the most unexpected ideas.

Before you punish a naughty offspring, sort out the reasons, try to understand what motivated the child. Psychologists recommend resorting to punishment only in extreme cases. The arsenal of obvious faults of the child is not very diverse: he hit, stole, left without warning far from home.

How to punish

Based on the severity, as well as the repetition of the deed, parents choose the method of disciplinary action. We bring to your attention a few tips explaining how to properly punish a child so as not to inflict psychological trauma on him and not ruin your relationship:

The following types of punishment for children are soft, loyal, and, with proper presentation, constructive:

Alternatives to Punishment

Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, authors of the acclaimed book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and How to Listen So Kids Will Talk, argue that by punishing a baby, parents take away the opportunity for him to realize his unacceptable behavior. Instead of regretting what they have done and thinking about how to atone for guilt, children concentrate on resentment. Parenting experts suggest using the following techniques to maintain parental authority and prevent conflicts:

Starting to live using these principles can be difficult, at first for many parents they seem unnatural, feigned. But, as positive results are obtained, moms and dads say that these methods work and become not just tricks, but a family lifestyle.

Forbidden tricks

It is worth mentioning how you can not punish a child, in order to avoid even more serious problems with behavior and relationships. Avoid the following disciplinary actions:

Do not punish the offspring with housework. Household chores will become a lifelong hated activity if used as a sanction for indecent behavior.

The methods listed above are designated by psychologists as taboo, since they carry the danger of serious consequences for the child's psyche. The popular opinion “he doesn’t understand otherwise” is erroneous - the guys do not understand cruelty, they just adapt, driven by fear, they learn to act so that they “do not fly in”. In adulthood, a person who has been subjected to such sanctions will have problems in building harmonious relationships with loved ones and with himself; he does not have the concept of his own boundaries, self-confidence, and the adequacy of self-esteem.

The best way to develop a sense of responsibility is to use non-violent ways of parenting.

Imagine such a picture. You come home tired after a long day at work. Traditionally, you look around. The child is intact, all the furniture is in place, the flowers are in pots, you can exhale ... And then your Barsik comes out to meet you, crookedly trimmed like a lion. And behind him is a happy young hairdresser.

What to do? Yell, spank, put in a corner? What if you want to do everything at once? Take your time. Calm down by using the methods we wrote about earlier and read this article.

We remembered the most common types of punishment and added to each item the opinions “for” and “against” parents from various forums and social media pages.

1. Use force.
Many parents argue for hours on thematic forums about whether or not to use physical force as a method of education. Some are categorically against and are ready to defend this position with foam at the mouth, others believe that nothing will happen from a few slaps, others say that you won’t bring up without a belt.

“You can’t beat people, no, neither big nor small. But if a person has a tantrum, then they stop him with a slap in the face, right? Yes, in the vast majority of cases (in my opinion) the physical “punishment” of a child is a sign of the helplessness of parents and a pedagogical “fiasco”. But there are cases when a child can be brought to life only with a slap on the pope? (while remaining calm internally and, oddly enough, based on parental love).

“It's one thing to 'beat' children and quite another to 'slap on the ass'. At the age of one, no one punished anyone, but now my son is 2.5 years old and sometimes he earns slaps on the pope. Both me and my sister were slapped on the buttocks in childhood, and once I even snatched out the belt (for the cause, I remember myself). They grew up as ordinary, educated and loving people girls. My husband was thoroughly beaten as a child, he also grew up like a well-mannered one, but there is anger at his parents. Maybe send (once heard: ((((
Thus, my conclusion boils down to the fact that rare slaps on the pope (on the case) are sometimes simply irreplaceable. And they have nothing to do with the concept of "beating", "beating" a child.
I also like the way of calming down - once with a strap to slap, and then only to scare them, they say, now I’ll take the belt kaaaak ... ”.

AGAINST:

“I was beaten as a child for all sorts of nonsense. Well what can I say? Let them not be surprised that I rarely call, I come even less often, and what should we talk about?
And in fact, the point is not in beating, but in the parents’ unwillingness to understand their child (in my case). Of course, I worry about them and hope that everything is fine with them, but I have zero support from them.

“I also don’t understand and don’t accept slaps on the pope and other punishments. Our parents never touched us with a finger, everything went in an educational conversation. I have never hit my child or put him in a corner either. Think for yourself when you say the word NO! what does this mean for the child? Doesn't he understand that he can't? why not? I let my child try everything. So that he understands my words. Want to touch a hot kettle? - let me touch with your finger, let him understand that it is impossible, it means dangerous. Let him take scissors and, under your supervision, cut the paper, sew with a needle, prick himself. So that the word should not be an empty sound. Let him soil his clothes on the street, jump in a puddle, enjoy (you must have clothes for the street, which you can carry in the mud) This is childhood and everything must be taught and tried. My child spills a mug every day. What should I do? and you don't have that? no mood, broken dishes, do not want to swim today. After all, no one hits you in the ass. You want the child to be and behave according to your model, which you have made in your head. And the child is a personality in the first place, and this must be taken into account.

5 SITUATIONS WHEN YOU REALLY SHOULD NOT PUNISH YOUR CHILD

2. Shout.
And to shout at the child - is it possible or not? Multi-page forums are full of topics: "I'm yelling at a child: what should I do?!" Here, opinions differ a little less than on the issue of spanking, most parents are against screaming, but then they themselves become ashamed of intemperance. That's why these topics on the forums and appear.

“That happens sometimes. You tell him once, twice, three, four times - as if into a void, the reaction is zero, then how you bark ... And everything comes right away !!!

“I also yell sometimes, I can’t help myself. Especially when you have to repeat it for the hundredth time - but you took your hat, and then you put it down, but you did it. And nothing, or yes, yes, and then everything is forgotten, yelling ... Of course, not good, but how it helps. The main thing is not to part, so as not to get used to yelling.

AGAINST:

“They scream (parents) from impotence when they cannot or do not know how to behave.Further - for the daughter, this is an example of how to behave, and she will hysteria in response. Children are a mirror image of their parents, they are very attentive and far from stupid.Ideally, one glance should be enough for the parent to understand that the child is upset by his behavior.

“You put yourself in the place of a child? or imagine that you are already an aged lady, and your already adult daughter, due to various problems, fatigue, yells at her already elderly mother?
what will it be like for you?"

DO SCARY TOYS HARM CHILDREN?

3. Intimidate.
We all know sayings in the spirit of "if you don't obey, I'll give it to Baba Yaga." And again: “Everything! Now I will throw away all your toys!”. Both promises are unfulfilled, the child after the first unfulfilled word may stop taking you seriously. But many people think it helps. And they hope that Baba Yaga will really take the naughty child at least for a couple of hours.

“My children are phone maniacs, so if they try to make a fuss, I say that if it happens again, I’ll take the phone and won’t give it back. Children very quickly accept the rules of the game.

“Daughter is still a sweet tooth. It is worth telling her that she herself will eat everything sweet (of course I won’t eat it, we have a lot of it), as soon as - mommy mommy, I won’t do it anymore. Works flawlessly."

AGAINST:

“Intimidation by no one knows what is a dubious option, it is not known how it will affect the child. Well, for example, he meets an old woman on the street and thinks this is the same Baba Yaga, stress.
Well, if you scare, although it’s better to threaten, with something specific, so that there is no flight of fancy, which it’s not clear where it will turn.

“Most often, fear is due to the wrong tactics of education, it arises as a result of various kinds of intimidation. For example: “you behave badly, aunt doctor will give an injection” or “I’ll give it to my uncle policeman” or “if you don’t obey, the dog will drag you away,” etc. and a doctor who comes to a sick child terrifies him.”

4. Deprive something.

Taking away your favorite toy, banning sweets or a tablet, not letting you go to the movies - this is what parents often do in response to a child's trick. Seems pretty logical. He made us feel bad - here we are bad for you, an eye for an eye, a phone - for a service broken by a ball.

BEHIND:

“We punish our child like this: we take away all the cars with which he plays. If he is very guilty of something, then for two or three days he is left without toys. We also put it in a corner, thank God that I began to understand what it is and why they put it there. ”

“It is best to deprive the child of something. For example, if he tears books, spoils toys - pick up and not give back for a long time. If an older child began to study poorly due to too frequent hanging out on the Internet, remove the tablet, phone. It is sometimes pointless to deprive of sweets, cartoons, walks, because there are children who will say that they don’t really need it. I judge by myself and my child.”

AGAINST:

“It is impossible to row all children with the same brush. I have two children and I have to apply a different method to each. If the eldest son was always affected by isolation and deprivation of any benefits and pleasures, then the youngest child is very stubborn and this does not affect him, it helps to express his disappointment with such behavior and talk about the inadmissibility of such behavior.

“Taking what you love is wrong. And if your phone was taken away at work for going out to answer the call, you probably wouldn’t like it. There should be a punishment such as an act. He broke it - clean it up, shouted - apologize and you can always agree, and not take it away.

5. Arrange a boycott.
Why scream or fight when you can just keep quiet? Let the child himself understand what is happening, while the mother silently goes about her business. Quiet mother, quiet child, peace and quiet ...

“And my parents punished me with complete disregard: it came quickly, I realized how nasty I acted, that they don’t even want to talk to me, they don’t even want to look in my direction. It is useless to beat and shout, I generally consider the corner stupid and meaningless. I stop talking with my children, the effect comes faster - they themselves come up, voice their act and behave differently. It is necessary that the child himself analyze his behavior and understand what he is wrong about.

“I didn’t punish children. But she herself was very upset and fell silent. Both my daughter and son were very worried that I was silent and began to ask me why I looked so sad and why I was silent. That's when I explained to them the reason for my sadness, they themselves asked for forgiveness, we put up and our differences were extinguished by hugs.

AGAINST:

“In my opinion, it would be much better to discuss with the child the reason for your dissatisfaction, explain why his act is not good and why you should not do this in the future. Ignoring the baby and not talking to him is really not very good. Firstly, the child may not understand why the mother was offended by him. Secondly, he will get used to “hushing up” problems, and in the future this will not bring anything good.

“The child is not a telepath to understand why the mother held a grudge, especially the baby. This will put pressure on him, but he may not guess or be unwilling to ask. As a result, half an hour of silence and upset mom and baby, who needs it?

WHEN IT IS POSSIBLE TO RELEASE CHILDREN TO WALK WITHOUT SUPERVISION

6. Put in a corner.
Another topic under discussion - is it possible to put in a corner? Some say that it is possible, they were put in, they put their children in, and they will put theirs in. There is nothing better than a time-tested remedy. Others say that their children do not stand in the corners and that in general negative energy accumulates there. Who is right - you decide.

“The best method of punishment, according to our doctor, is the good old Angle. For hooliganism, refusal to obey, unreasonable whims that did not stop after the first (!) Warning, you need to take the child by the hand, look into his eyes, briefly and clearly say what he is being punished for, and take him to an empty corner, even better in another room , and forbid them to leave him (if he leaves without asking, return them)”.

“My daughter is 1.5 years old and stood at the computer and demanded to turn on the cartoon. started whining (not crying), freaking out, stomping. I was not going to turn it on for her and said “no”. took me to a corner, said that as soon as she stopped being naughty, she would be able to leave. and a minute has not passed like a child and forgot about his hysteria. now he starts to command, I want her in a corner? the baby becomes obedient immediately. True, I don’t often threaten with a corner, so that we don’t become like a joke. ”

AGAINST:

“As far as I remember myself as a little girl and they put me in a corner, but the fact is that I don’t remember what I was thinking about, but as a rule I didn’t feel guilty, apparently because my mother didn’t spend a lot of time explaining, she just put and All. She also put her eldest son, the little one, in a corner “to think about his behavior”, learning from parental mistakes, she spent time explaining the reason for the punishment. The son usually “thought” there lying, sitting, and also it’s not clear what:)”.

“Not everyone can be put in a corner. My brother stood, but I didn’t, I just went out and started doing some other things. I could either be asked not to do / do something, or clearly explain why such requirements were made to me. Usually after that I easily went to an agreement. I never put my daughter in corners, but if the child got very naughty, I took her to another room, sat next to her and analyzed in detail what exactly seemed wrong to me in her behavior, then offered to sit and think about what was the reason and how avoid mistakes."

7. Force to work.

Another common type of punishment is labor. Most of the time it's housework. “Now you’ll be washing dishes for three weeks!” And they unloaded themselves, and the child was punished, and the dishes will be clean. The truth is perhaps not very whole, if your bad boy gets tired of it all.

“Hello, I think that the most important types of punishment are labor and deprivation of some pleasures. Work always helps the child to improve and who ennobles the work of the husband, and will help to realize his actions.

“Now children have no labor discipline at all, they need to be taught somehow, at least like that. But the housework will be done and the child will work hard. If my son behaved badly, I didn’t leave him at home with a computer for the weekend, and sent him to his grandfather’s dacha to build a well.

AGAINST:

“Once, with a fool, apparently, because of absenteeism at school, I forced the child to wash all the floors in the house. Well, of course, he washed his son, but since then he has been hostile to any request for help with cleaning. He also has his own duties around the house, but now the floors are only for absenteeism, apparently.

"In no case!!! This is not a punishment, but you are one family and should distribute the work around the house, and not punish her. Will you wash dishes like this only on holidays or something?

What else can you advise parents when punishing a child?

One crime - one punishment corresponding to the offense. Do not be cruel to petty offenses and do not let your child get away with serious misconduct.
The child must know the rules of conduct. If you did not explain to him in advance what to do and what not to do, then this is more your fault than his fault.
Don't over tighten. The child quickly forgets what he did. Punishment should come immediately after, and not in the evening when you have time.
Keep calm. If you constantly raise your voice, then the child will get used to it and stop perceiving it as a threat. And at the same time, he will adopt this type of behavior for himself.
Coordinate with spouse/relatives. If dad scolds and mom forgives, then the child will very quickly begin to manipulate the situation in his favor. You must be in solidarity, at least from the point of view of the child.
Reprimand the child in solitude. You should not punish the child in public, it puts a lot of pressure psychologically.
Do not punish your child for what you yourself sin. If before that you carefully trimmed the cat's coat, do not be surprised that the child decided to repeat after you.
Reward good behavior. Remember that in addition to the whip, there is also a carrot.
Consider the age and nature of the child. Children are subject to different disciplinary measures at different times.
It is clear that putting a student in a corner is no longer age-appropriate. In addition, do not forget about his personality. If your child is usually sad and brooding - do not use the "intimidate" method, if too active - morality reading will not help, etc.

Obedient children and fewer reasons to punish them!

Every parent always has two main tasks in the foreground: the health of the child and his upbringing. As far as health is concerned, the methods and means of achieving the goal are more or less clear. Compliance with the daily routine, basic hygiene rules, regular care, hardening, healthy food, outdoor walks - all these are components of the full development of a healthy baby from a physical point of view. With education, the situation is a little different, because its fruits will be visible only after the children have already grown up.

All moms and dads dream of raising a good person out of their crumbs, but for this you should understand which approaches are effective and which are useless and, on the contrary, can only do harm. One very important point in education is punishment, namely, whether it is necessary to punish a child and how to do it correctly.

When issues of upbringing and methods of punishment are raised, many parents come to a standstill.

Psychologists do not advise hitting a child with a belt on the pope or on the hands, regardless of the offense. Also, some experts recommend treating the baby as an adult and demanding from him accordingly. This approach may work at ages 8, 9 and older, but for a child who is 2-4 years old, it simply does not apply.

Purpose of punishment and reasons for disobedience

What goals do parents most often pursue when punishing their children? There are 2 main reasons for this:

the desire to correct the behavior of the baby so that it falls under the generally accepted ideas of adults about what is right;
an attempt to explain hostility towards the child.

In the first case, adults almost always fail, in the second, on the contrary, they achieve success. This is because they do not know how to punish properly.

A fairly common situation is when a child does not want to comply with the existing rules. The manifestation of disobedience is associated with the following points:

Checking the crumbs of established boundaries. They are simply necessary for the baby, as they make him feel safe, but from time to time he has a desire to test them for strength - he does this by resorting to refusal or simply does not obey. Parents should be prepared for this and show firmness and inflexibility.
Lack of attention. This happens when parents are very busy with things and stop paying enough attention to the crumbs, or during a period of major changes in their usual way of life, for example, moving or attending a kindergarten. At this time, the child needs additional communication. Otherwise, he will begin to demonstrate his discontent in the form of unwillingness to eat, refusal to go for a walk, and similar whims.
Excessive excitability and aggressiveness. Usually children who spend most of their time playing computer games or watching cartoons suffer from this, especially with elements of aggression and cruelty - the brain receives too much information that it is unable to process.

If a child spends a lot of time playing games on a console or computer, his mind becomes excitable

What is the risk of not being punished?

According to the well-known pediatrician and author of many best-selling books about Spock's children, the child must eventually understand everything and adopt the generally accepted rules. However, in practice, this approach proved to be completely untenable. Naturally, from the point of view of the child, it is very convenient, since the solution of all problems falls on the shoulders of the parents, from protecting them from potentially dangerous things in infancy and ending with financial assistance at a more mature age. In addition, you are not scolded, there are no punishments and you are always treated kindly. Parents see things differently. They have to constantly restrain their negative emotions and accumulate them inside. As a result, 99% of a hundred sooner or later have a nervous breakdown, then all the accumulated negativity falls on the child, and the longer the parents endure, the stronger the consequences of the emotional outburst will be. Such overstrain negatively affects their mental state.

There is an opinion that at the end of his life, Spock changed his views in relation to impunity. He concluded that punishment is a necessary part of the full and harmonious development of the child.

At what age can one resort to punishment?

For example, Japanese children up to the age of three are allowed absolutely everything. This attitude is explained by the fact that children begin to perceive themselves separately, as an individual only from 2.5-3 years. The kid shows more and more independence, he speaks about himself already in the first person. A signal that the baby has moved to a new, more active stage in personality formation can be a phrase like “I myself”. Moreover, during this period, he already understands the causal relationship between misconduct and punishment. Such permissiveness has every reason, but parents must have tremendous patience and the ability to switch the attention of the child.

Japanese children under five years old do not know refusal in anything - this is a national feature of education

However, this method does not exclude the need to educate babies before this period. A one and a half year old or two year old baby should still not be allowed to hit, bite, pinch, hurt others, try to stick fingers or other objects into sockets, and generally perform undesirable actions. At a very young age, it is much easier to simply transfer children's attention and occupy them with something else. Disapproval from an adult can also act as a punishment.

It is important to note that up to the age of 5, a child repeats a lot after the people around him. Most often, a role model for him are parents, close relatives or people from a constant circle of friends. What will be their behavior, so will the baby behave. Punishing for your own mistakes is unreasonable. It is also always necessary to explain to the baby what is good and what is bad.

In what cases can not resort to punishment?

In everyday life, parents quite often scold children for any reason, as soon as the behavior of the crumbs goes beyond what is desired, however, not all tricks deserve punishment, because certain pampering and activity are a natural way for the baby to develop. Attempts to fix it will only hinder and harm. The following are examples of when you should not punish your child:

Activities aimed at understanding the world. For example, a baby tastes everything that it picks up from the floor or on the street, explores sockets, strives to climb high, draws on wallpaper and furniture, and the like. Instead of scolding the baby, it is worth protecting the child himself and valuables.
features associated with age. This restlessness, inattention and poor memory.
Physiology. This includes trouble sleeping or not wanting to eat cooked food. In such situations, it is better to treat the baby with understanding and resort to various tricks to achieve the goal.
Inexperience. The child is still in the process of realizing what is bad and what is good. He may well push another baby, repeating this after someone and not realizing that this cannot be done, he can take other people's toys without asking. Also, the inability to use the potty leads to many small troubles. You need to be patient and be more forgiving until the baby learns to go to the potty.
Carelessness. Adults themselves cannot always remain clean and not get dirty, and a small child of 2-3 years old, all the more so, with all his activity, will definitely fall, spill, drop and dirty things.
Manifestation of feelings. Being jealous of a brother or sister, getting upset and not wanting to leave when mom and dad go to work or take them to kindergarten - these are all natural emotions of a baby.

You can’t punish a child for emotions, because anyone can experience them.

How to be strict and still be loved?

Here are 6 principles for dealing with the problem of punishing children, from the popular book on parenting "Don't be afraid to be strict" written by J. Dobson:

Setting limits. It is necessary to determine the least desirable actions on the part of the child and prohibit them - biting, sitting on cold ground and the like. You don't have to ban everything. The child needs space for games and his research activities.
Requirement for achievable tasks. It is useless to ask for something that the baby is not able to do. An accidentally broken cup or a torn T-shirt is not a reason to swear.
Readiness for conflict situations and provocations on the part of the child. You can not allow him to hurt himself and show his helplessness. It's so easy to lose credibility in his eyes.
Irresponsibility does not mean that the child does not obey and requires punishment. There is nothing unusual in the fact that the baby can forget about the request and not follow the instructions. His memory is not yet as well developed as compared to an adult.
Reconciliation. Having executed the punishment, it is necessary to explain again why the offender was punished. It is also important to comfort the baby and assure him of his love.
Punishment must come from love. Before resorting to punishment, it is important to understand and make a correct assessment of what happened, to try to understand the child. This should be done in a calm state, without offending the baby. Humiliation hardly contributes to the education of personality.

In order for the punishment to be justified, the reasons for the child's behavior must first be identified.

Various Ways to Punish Children

There are a number of other principles in the punishment of children according to J. Dobson. Among them:

It is necessary to punish immediately after the deed. The logic will not be clear to the child, according to which the punishment can follow in an hour or even only the next day. This will be followed by the conclusion that he can be punished at any time and it does not matter at all how he behaves now. That is, it loses any sense to behave well.
The punishment must match the offense. It is better to determine in advance exactly how to punish for a particular offense.
It is important to explain the reasons for the prohibitions so that the baby catches their essence, and not only fears the consequences that disobedience entails.
The reason for punishing a child should not be the poor health, mood or fatigue of the parents. Also, you can not punish for what was not previously prohibited. For example, if the baby, while he was small, could not open the cutlery drawer, and now he does it with ease, then at first you just need to warn about the ban and explain it, only in the event of a subsequent incident, resort to educational measures.
Disregard of the established rules should always be punished and desirable in the same way.

Other nuances in punishments according to J. Dobson

You should also adhere to the following principles:

No need to scare the child with punishment (we recommend reading:). He needs to be clear that disobedience is followed by punishment, but it should not serve as a means of intimidation. This will simply make the prankster be more cunning and resourceful.
Do not use as a punishment to be intimidated by other people's uncles, aunts, policemen who will come and take away a naughty boy or girl - the child will think that he is not needed.
Avoid criticism and insults of the baby. It is preferable to show dissatisfaction or express disapproval of the offense or violation itself.
If the punishment is associated with a temporary ban on the use of goodies or the selection of privileges, it is necessary to clarify the terms of its validity.
Ignoring a child is akin to physical punishment, although some schools and educational practices justify such a harsh method.
It is advisable to reprimand the crumbs one on one, and not in front of strangers. This will preserve his self-esteem and the psycho-emotional state of other children will not suffer either.
All family members, without exception, must follow the established rules.
It is better to print or draw a set of basic rules with the baby and stick it in a conspicuous place.

If the child has received a certain ban, it is very important to indicate the expiration date of its validity.

Reasons not to hit a child

Many parents have a perfectly normal attitude towards physical punishment. This is especially true for those who were beaten as children. In fact, slapping a baby on the pope, hand, or giving a slap on the back of the head is the easiest and fastest way, and it’s quite difficult to control such a reaction. However, the use of force as punishment is wrong for a number of reasons:

The connection between the baby and the parent is broken due to physical impact. Demands of unquestioning obedience replace attempts to build relationships and understand the motivation of the child's actions.
A little awareness that strength makes it possible to punish and beat weak people. In the future, this may affect the parents themselves, and before that, such attitudes will affect other children, and sometimes animals.
Waiting for new physical punishments. When a child is constantly waiting for slaps on the pope and pain, he is in a state of stress, and this is fraught with enuresis, sleep disturbances, severe excitability, and so on. As a result, unsafe complexes may form in the crumbs and developmental problems may appear.

Some parents and even psychologists believe that in rare cases, physical punishment is appropriate. It can only be connected with out of the ordinary factors - for example, if a child is torturing a living being.

Showing Loyalty in Punishment

What more loyal methods to replace the already familiar punishment? For example:

You should not send the guilty crumb to a corner, it is better to put him on a sofa or chair. While he is standing, many muscle groups tense in him, which prevents him from calming down and thinking about how he did it. For sitting punishment, you can choose a specific chair, stool or armchair. At first, the baby can get off the spot, but you need to return it back. For babies, it is better to limit the punishment time according to age: 1 year = 1 minute. If the rule is violated again, add one more minute. When punishing children aged 7-11 years and older, one should not only seat them on a chair, but also advise them to think over their offense and come when they understand what needs to be done.
In the book of the psychologist N. Latta "Before Your Child Drives You Crazy", it is proposed to use a separate room for punishment. For safety reasons, it should not contain dangerous objects within the reach of the child. In addition, the room should be light, and the parent should not continue to scold and subtract the baby from behind the door.
Deprive of pleasure or privilege. For example, do not give your favorite sweets for one day or prohibit watching cartoons before bed. However, it is not necessary to argue that such a punishment is forever. Firstly, this is unlikely, and secondly, sooner or later such promises fly out of the head, and the adult himself gives a treat or turns on a cartoon. As a result, the child's parent ceases to enjoy such authority as before. In addition, you can not deprive the promised - this method is applicable only with the usual joys. You can’t take your baby’s personal belongings or toys yet, so he may think that he doesn’t own anything and will not take care of the items.
Easy ignoring tantrums. You should be nearby, but do not talk or look at the baby until he calms down. After discussing the situation and finding out why he did not obey.

The chair for punishment is a replacement for the “corner”, this technique really allows the child to calm down and think about his behavior

Other loyal methods of punishment

The following are additional loyal measures to combat disobedience:

To allow to do what is forbidden in the absence of harm to health. For example, if a child takes away toys from other children, they will simply stop playing with him. This method will help establish a causal relationship for the baby, strengthen the authority of parents and contribute to the development of logical thinking.
Use fun punishments for minor infractions. If the kid ran into the room in shoes, let him jump on one leg 10-12 times, while saying that now he will always take off his shoes in the corridor. Children who already know how to write can be forced to write the rules on paper, but this should also be done in moderation.
Tell a tale. This, of course, is not quite like a punishment, but it will show the baby quite easily and unobtrusively how to act badly in a similar situation and what the consequences may be. You can choose a suitable story or cartoon from existing ones or come up with your own. With the help of fairy tales, the baby learns the world and learns to behave correctly.

One way or another, the method of punishing a child depends entirely on the parents. If there is no confidence in the correctness of the chosen approach, you can always turn to the help and assessment of specialists, visit psychologists, read relevant books or simply watch videos on the Internet on this issue.

In the difficult task of raising children, the question inevitably arises of the methods of influence used by parents in case of child disobedience, in other words, of punishments. Parents, punishing the child in one way or another, often feel guilty and make themselves neuroses. Is it possible to punish a child, how to punish, what is permissible and what is not? Let's try to figure it out.

Punishment is a way of influencing a child for a specific purpose. In other words, by punishing a child, we want to achieve an understanding of the inadmissibility of certain actions on his part. Such an impact must comply with a number of rules.

Deed or misdemeanor

First of all, it is necessary to determine whether the child's act is a misdemeanor and whether it is worth punishing for it.

For example, if a 2-3-year-old child, ignoring your requirements, again and again climbs into a puddle - most likely, he does this not out of an effort to annoy you. It simply works the research instinct of the baby. In such a situation, it would be more appropriate to switch the attention of the child, to take him to another "research activity" or to let him run around the puddle to his heart's content and quickly take him home to dry. But if a five-year-old kid throws a stone into a puddle in order to see how much passers-by can be splashed, this is already an unacceptable prank. In such a situation, you need to explain to the child why it is impossible to do this, ask to apologize to a passerby (if necessary). If this happens again in the future, warn the child about the possible punishment by repeating the explanation of the inadmissibility of such behavior.

Even if the child's act violates certain rules of behavior, consider whether it is worth punishing for it - give the child the opportunity to correct what has been done.
For example, the baby poured drinking water on the floor - give him a rag and ask him to wipe the floor. This is much more effective in terms of education and understanding of responsibility for one's actions.

The main thing is to warn!

Any punishment must be preceded by training and warning.

Three year old kid throws food out of the plate. First you ask not to do so and explain why. If the actions are repeated, you again explain and repeat the request, warning that otherwise you will take the child from the table or take the plate from him. If the child's actions are repeated again, you must do what you were warned about.

The severity of the punishment should be appropriate to the degree of the offense and appropriate to the age and developmental level of the child.

Before 2-2.5 years, it makes little sense to punish children in the generally accepted sense. Toddlers do not yet understand the meaning of our words. But they understand intonation and tactile (physical) sensations very well. If your baby does something wrong, reinforce your “no” intonation (fear - “it will hurt”, resentment - “mom is upset”) and bodily sensation - slightly squeeze the handle, press it to you, etc.

An eight-month-old baby reaches for an outlet. Your possible reaction: “You can’t (intonation of danger), dangerous!”. And pull back the child's hand.

If, for example, a four-year-old child allows himself such actions, the reaction of the parents will be completely different: an explanation, a warning about the punishment, and the punishment itself (for example, a ban on cartoons for a certain time.

Action algorithm

Punishment must be timely, understandable, fair and final.

In other words, the punishment should immediately follow the misconduct (just try not at the moment of the greatest annoyance). Be sure to check if the child understands what he is being punished for. If not, please explain again. Even criminals in court have the right to the last word - listen to the child why he did this. It is likely that there will be some reason that prompted him to do so, and punishment will not be required. It will be possible to get by with a simple request not to do it again.

A seven-year-old girl went downhill with her friends. Instead of the allowed hour of walking, she came home in the evening, after her mother called all her friends and finally found a child. Can you imagine the state of the mother, and her desire to properly punish the naughty daughter? However, the mother asked the child a question why she, all wet, was sitting with her friend. Do you know what the girl said? “I knew that you would swear if I came home wet, so I dried my things at Tanya’s.” Comments, as they say, are unnecessary.

The finiteness of punishment implies the possibility of stopping it. You tell the child that he will stand in the corner until he asks for forgiveness, or he will sit in the room alone and without toys and think about his behavior, in three minutes you will return and talk to him. Options again depend on the age of the child, his character.

The little ones are punished for 2-3 minutes, the older ones for a longer period. It is unacceptable to punish “forever”: “I will never talk to you again!” or “I will never buy you a car again!” All the same, you will talk and buy a typewriter, but you will undermine your authority.

What if the child does not ask for forgiveness? There are children who easily ask for forgiveness and immediately do the same for which they were punished, and there are those who worry deep inside and it is hard for them to utter the cherished words. Don't make things worse. After the allotted time, go to negotiations: “I understand that it is difficult for you to ask for forgiveness. But do you understand why I was upset and you won’t do this anymore? ”

Any punishment is very individual. If you punish a child by depriving him of something, then it should be meaningful to him. It makes no sense to forbid a child to watch cartoons if he, in general, does not care whether he watches them or not.

Talk is not too much

The most valuable thing for a child of preschool age is communication with parents. And depriving him of this for some time becomes a powerful enough incentive not to repeat such situations again. Even the Russian physiologist I. Pavlov identified two forms of reinforcement: positive reinforcement - encouragement for good, right deeds and negative reinforcement - punishment. A kind of combination of the method of stick and carrot. And, despite the fact that Pavlov worked with dogs, these principles work just as well in humans. Unfortunately, it is not always possible to teach a child using only encouragement methods, but even resorting to punishment methods, always let the child understand that you love him anyway, that it is not he who is bad, but his act. Always talk about your feelings about what happened. Speaking the situation, your feelings, the possible consequences for the child and not only for him, finding out the reasons for his action, you teach him to analyze the situation, to be open and sincere with you. Such skills will be useful for both you and your child during the transitional age, when one of the most important moments will be the ability to find mutual understanding with the child.

To hit or not to hit?

The age-old question of the admissibility-inadmissibility of physical punishment. It is worth remembering the history, Russian proverbs and sayings, and someone's own childhood experience, and the answer suggests itself. On the other hand, physical punishment offends and frightens the child, sometimes without bringing the desired effect. Ideally, it is better to do without physical punishment, but life situations sometimes make their own changes to the theory. Sometimes a slap on the pope is vital, for example, in a situation with the same outlet or running out onto the road. If you could not resist and slapped your baby (just slapped, and not frantically beaten, venting your own fear), calm down yourself and calm the child. Explain the reason for your behavior, say that you are also offended, hurt and unpleasant, because he (she) is your son (daughter). Agree on how to behave so that this does not happen again in the future. For your part, also draw conclusions so that next time you can control yourself and the situation and not bring it to this.

In no case do not allow yourself to hit a child in the face and use physical methods of education with teenagers.

We are all not perfect, sometimes we break down with or without reason, but in any case, our goal should be such an upbringing, where the punishment is reduced to explanatory work, on the one hand, and on the other, creating such a family environment for the child in which there is no examples and reasons for disobedience.

Sometimes children are simply unbearable: they run, jump, scream, throw tantrums. Parents, at one fine moment, understand that punishment is indispensable. But how to punish, for example, a 2-year-old and a 4-year-old baby? After all, children are so different because of their age and degree of development. In this article, we will name the most effective measures for influencing children, qualifying them according to the age criterion.

Punishment of a child of 1 year

The age of one year is a time of great children's discoveries and achievements. Children learn to walk, throw objects, overcome obstacles, etc. and still not aware of what is possible and what is not. Is it possible to punish a baby for trying to learn and study the world around him? Of course not. Parents need to understand that at this stage of development, it is necessary to make it clear to the baby what the concepts of “permitted” and “forbidden” mean.

In other words, did the kid break the plate? Explain in a strict tone that this behavior is unacceptable, the plate is not a ball, and it will break if hit. When repeating the same act, have another conversation, keeping calm and patience.

What will happen if we start applying educational measures to children at an early age? First, you need to figure out what kind of punishment you can pacify the baby. Put in a corner? It will not help, the baby will not be able to grasp the essence of such a restriction of his freedom. To hurt? But, the parent is not a trainer, and the baby is not an animal to use such methods that can greatly harm the child's psyche.

ATTENTION! The most effective way is to talk with a one-year-old baby about the correctness or incorrectness of his actions.

Punishment of children 2-3 years old

At this age, fidgets are already aware of what is right and what is not. But that's just self-control is still lame. That's why 2 year old child punishment does not make any sense, even psychologists do not advise punishing children at this age. The main parental “weapon” against disobedience is the word: speak, explain, give examples. And best of all, exclude situations that provoke the baby to disobedience.

Worth noting that children should not be punished for:

desire to study the world around. The kid unscrewed the wheel of another typewriter? Or pulls everything in his mouth for testing? This is the natural behavior of young children;
physiological and age characteristics. If a baby at 1.5 years old cannot fall asleep without a mother, this is not a whim, but the norm;
carelessness. How many neat children do you know who do not get dirty when walking or eating? These probably do not exist;
features in behavior. For example, do not punish if a preschooler is afraid of the dentist;
expression of feelings. If an older kid is jealous of a parent for a younger one, it is worth explaining that you love him no less, but that his little brother is still too small to take care of himself.

If a preschooler made a mistake, although he wanted to prevent it in every possible way, this is also not a reason to apply punishment to him, but only a chance to show by his own example that you need to be more careful.

Usually by the age of 3, little tomboys begin to realize themselves as individuals and understand who is the real performer of all actions, as well as which actions please others and which do not. But, this does not mean that at this stage they stop being naughty, everything continues. Parents should inform the baby not only about whether this is prohibited or allowed, but also to voice their attitude to his actions. Use suggestions like“I was upset by your actions”, “I was very upset when I found out about this”, etc.

The crisis age is characterized by frequent children's tantrums. Therefore, the punishment of a three-year-old child should not be committed for crying and discontent, as you will provoke another conflict.

REFERENCE! The best option is to leave the baby alone with his thoughts. Thus, he will quickly come to his senses and this will help smooth out the tense situation in the house.

What should be the punishment of a child of 3 years? Watch this video to learn more about all the features of the application of punishment to children of this age:

Punishment of children at 4-5 years old

"Without punishment, there is no education." Is it worth punishing a 4-year-old baby? Let's figure it out.

Most psychologists assure that it is possible to punish at this age, but this should not harm their physical and mental health. You can use such types of punishments as restrictions on watching cartoons, determining time for reflection, correcting deeds, etc.

It is not recommended to ignore children, especially at this stage, since they, at the age of 4-5 years, really need to communicate with their parents, and it is not considered advisable to deprive them of such an opportunity. Mom or dad can be "offended" that the baby disobeyed them. To show such an insult should be dry, not cheerful, without affectionate words of communication. After that, the baby will soon realize his mistake and will want to apologize to his parents. Do not forget to praise the preschooler for such an adult act.

Punishment of a child at 4 years old can be replaced by reading a fairy tale. A very effective method of teaching good manners and rules of behavior through interesting and instructive stories. Plus, this way you can instill a love of books from an early age. Did the kid disobey you today? Read him a bedtime story about naughty children. A preschooler will definitely remember this lesson.

For children 4-5 years old and for any other age, the so-called method of natural consequences will work better than any punishment. The kid wants to take a longer walk on the street? No problem. Only now they will not return home to the beginning of the cartoons. Don't want to collect your toys? Well, mom will remove them, but she won’t have time to read the fairy tale.

IMPORTANT! When using this method, you should not allow children to do something that can harm their health.

Another part of the representatives of psychology insist that punishment for 5 year olds does not justify itself. The best approach to parenting is a complete rejection of any kind of punishment. Parents just need to set the boundaries, beyond which the baby is forbidden. You can learn more about this approach to parenting by watching this video:

It is worth noting, in turn, some psychologists argue that light corporal punishment can be applied to children in cases of a threat to their life and health. In this video, we offer to listen to all the motives of this impact:

Punishment of children 6-7 years old

At this age, serious offenses should be punished, since at the age of 6.5 they perfectly understand the consequences of their actions and already know how to answer for them. He already has his own opinion, which he is able to defend. In cases where the baby is wrong, just talk to him and find out why he holds this or that point of view, because of which he thinks that this is normal. After all, if a preschooler before this age has not learned to distinguish between what is bad and what is good, it is not his fault, but the parent's. So mom and dad couldn't teach him that. Why punish the child now? Agree, this is unfair.

It is unacceptable to apply punishment for personality traits. Is the kid overly calm and does not like outdoor games? Humble yourself, this is his distinguishing feature, there is no reason for punishment.

Some parents prefer to punish their 7 year olds with homework. And is it right? It's safe to say no. In this way, the student fights off all the desire to learn, homework for him is a punishment. Why do you need to do homework today, if he was not guilty, but the child is obliged to do this and therefore, every day he feels punished. Completing a task is a natural and almost daily procedure; you should not turn it into a compulsory measure of upbringing.

Many mothers and fathers also believe that children can be punished with money. But it is not so. Given punishment for a 7 year old can be used when misconduct entails material damage. For example, a schoolboy smashed a window in a school cafeteria with a ball. Of course, parents will cover the expenses, but as a punishment, they can reduce the amount of children's pocket money every week until the loss is reimbursed.