The husband chose his friend and not his wife. Never give your husband the choice of “them or me”

Does your husband come home late, meet with friends and completely forget about his family? Such problems often plague women. The article will tell you how to understand the reasons for this behavior and what to do.

Husband goes out with friends: reasons

To get rid of the problem, you should first find out its causes. If your husband wants to spend a lot of time with his friends, there is no need to panic, much less blame him or his comrades for this. Often the reason lies in or is a reaction to ongoing changes in the lifestyle of the spouses.

Why have friends if you have me?

The common opinion of many women boils down to the following: why should a husband spend time with other people if his wife can also join in some activity, talk or support? It makes sense. Especially if a woman really is a “universal soldier” with whom you can go fishing, bowling, or repair a car. But why should a person have only one friend, even such a diverse one?

In this case, it is worth reconsidering your own position and attitude. Is it so important for a woman to spend all her free time with her husband? Does she have her own interests and friends to meet? After all, replacing the whole world with a man, especially if he doesn’t need it, means adding stress to your own life. Firstly, it limits living space. Secondly, it adds torment if the man does not appreciate it.

If a friend is more important

A woman’s resentment (and deserved one) can be caused by a man’s obvious preference for his friends. Moreover, this applies not only to leisure time, but also to help or support. For example, to take his wife home from the supermarket, he needs to be persuaded, but to pick up a friend from the club, one call is enough. The woman’s indignation in this case is understandable.

This situation is worth discussing. And only in a confidential atmosphere, excluding as much as possible from the dialogue all possible accusations towards the spouse. A backlash can also be caused by the obvious opposition between family as the most important sphere of life and friendship - “unnecessary and meaningless.” Most likely, such words will only cause a protest in a man. The dialogue should be brought into line with your own experiences - show that such behavior is unpleasant and offensive, ask to take into account the interests of the family and plan your time so as not to cause damage to any area of ​​life. After all, sometimes a man simply does not know that he is offending his wife in this way, and perceives hints in the form of scandals and hysterics as manifestations of her bad character.

Tired of seeing them at home!

No less often than the absence of a husband, women are enraged by such male hobbies as meetings in the house. A wife can be annoyed not only by the presence of strangers, but also by the need to play the role of a housewife: prepare food, clean the house after gatherings, and so on.

In this case, reproaches and complaints will definitely not help. They will only aggravate the situation and alienate the spouses. Here again, a calm conversation is important: explain to your husband that sometimes you want to relax at home, and this is difficult in the presence of his friends, and try to find a compromise. For example, ask him to meet friends in other places. And if they are still going to live in this house, then they themselves will be responsible for the related household functions.

Husband abuses alcohol in company

If your husband drinks with friends, and systematically, you need to understand the reasons for this phenomenon:

1. Suspicions of alcoholism. Many men do not attach much importance to periodic drinking with friends, not considering it a problem. A woman needs to understand whether the problem really exists. If at the same time a large part of the family budget is spent on such festivities, health deteriorates and suffers, it is necessary to solve the problem of addiction. Start with a heart-to-heart conversation, express your concerns and find out why your husband is doing this. Then make a plan for vocational rehabilitation.
2. Avoiding problems at home. How comfortable is communication between spouses? How is the father's relationship with his children? By eliminating intra-family troubles, you can solve the problem and forget men’s hobbies for alcohol like a bad dream.
3. If gatherings in bars with friends are the only alternative to free time, you should think about family leisure. If spouses have common interests, it is worth trying different ways of cultural recreation together, then there will simply be no time left for meeting friends over beer.

How to check if your husband is cheating?

Very often, the wife’s anxiety is associated not only with the absence of her husband at home, but also with reasons hidden behind this. Cheating is the most common suspicion.

Before looking for ways to check if your husband is cheating, you need to give yourself answers to some questions. Firstly, are there reasons for this (cooling in relationships, conflicts)? Secondly, is there any clear reason to think so? The mere absence of a man at home does not indicate betrayal. But, say, lipstick on a shirt is a more obvious sign.

It is very easy to get confused in such a delicate situation. So, in order.

1. Are there reasons for betrayal and signs of it? Stop panicking! Self-control in this matter is the most difficult, but at the same time the most effective rule. You can only make decisions with a cool head. First of all, decide for yourself what you want more: to maintain the relationship or break it off? Depending on this, plan further actions.
2. To understand whether your husband is cheating, you can torment yourself endlessly with suspicions, seek confirmation of them, go to fortune-tellers, etc., right up to nervous exhaustion. Or you can talk openly with him about your worries. And again, in a calm manner. Tell him why he cares and give him the opportunity to speak out. In a confidential dialogue, you can understand whether a person is lying (looks away, tries to change the topic, unreasonably accuses in response, or begins to get very nervous). It is easier for a husband who has nothing to hide in open communication to explain himself and reassure his wife if she is wrong. Or talk directly about treason.
3. Another option for women who have decided not to break off the relationship. If there are suspicions of betrayal, you can turn the situation in your favor. Simply become the woman you don’t want to leave. Getting your appearance and mood in order is usually enough. Accept the fact that in all discord in the family, both are always to blame. And start rebuilding your life from yourself. If a man continues to cheat, the woman will still have her beautiful appearance and attitude, with which building a new relationship is a matter of time.

What can a woman do?

A woman can do a lot, if not everything, in such situations. In any case, you should start by identifying the problem and the reasons why your husband does not want to go home. To do this, you need to ask yourself a number of questions:

• What are the relationships like in the family?
• How do we communicate?
• Do we have common interests?
• How interesting am I as a person?
• What do friends give to their husband?
• Why do I care?
• Can I help him cope better than friends can?

If you managed to answer most of the questions, you should plan your behavior tactics based on this. The following simple recommendations will help with this.

Look for a compromise

If your husband spends more time with friends only because he does not know how to manage time, it is important to discuss this with him.

Ultimatums, blackmail and restrictions on freedom will not help. It is important to explain to the man that his wife accepts his desire to spend time with friends. Moreover, he supports us in this. But it would be even better if he had time for his loved ones. Show that the family needs the active participation of the head in its life. A man is more likely to accept this point of view if he really feels his importance and necessity.

Look for common interests and plan family leisure time

Again, this should be done softly and without commanding intonations like: “So, we’re going to the skating rink today, and no questions asked!”

It is important to learn to hear each other, accept everyone’s interests and conclude: what of all this can we accomplish together? And is it really so important for a wife to go on a fishing trip she hates just to limit her husband’s communication with friends?

Family traditions can be an important point in the general pastime. The rituals that people perform together bring them very close. You can choose a specific day of the week and an activity that will bring joy to both.

One more thing - how to talk to your husband about household responsibilities? Direct and open. Instead of blaming the lack of help, you need to explain that it is difficult to cope with all the housework on your own. And the strength and skill of a partner would be very useful. Many psychologists recommend that couples simply divide responsibilities.

Make friends with the "enemy"

Wise women know that it is important to be friends with their rivals. At least keep them at close range. Why not apply this tactic with joining the company unobtrusively, on the basis of common interests and with the consent of the spouse. Most men really appreciate it when their woman gets along well with her friends. It is very important that the wife understands that friends are an integral part of a person's life. They do not always “take” it away from the family, but they are also able to provide a resource and emotionally nourish life.

In addition, it is quite possible that it suddenly turns out that these people are quite pleasant and interesting personalities with whom you yourself want to spend time?

Correction of family communication

This is probably a good place to start. If your husband spends the lion's share of time with friends, you need to eliminate the factor of the negative atmosphere at home. It is worth taking a critical look at yourself: how often conflicts occur, what mood the husband is greeted with, how often the spouses discuss something other than problems.

You should realize that no one wants to come to a house where they are always dissatisfied with something, constantly showing their fatigue, burden and sacrifice. The latter very often manifests itself in phrases like: “I am everything to you, and you...” It is better to exclude “you must” from the vocabulary. A problematic and quarrelsome spouse, no matter how cruel it may sound, is not needed. Any husband will escape from this: spending time with friends is more fun!

Of course, no one is ironclad, and everyone wants to throw out their negativity. But it’s better not to do this on a loved one. Self-education and self-improvement are the key not only to your own comfort, an opportunity to occupy your free time, but also a way to always remain interesting for your husband, whom you want to come to. Find something you like, develop, improve. It works!

And finally - freedom. Everyone knows the truth that you want more of what is forbidden. That is why it is important to learn not to bind yourself and a man with constant control. Freedom is not permissiveness. This is an opportunity to choose. And, most likely, the choice will be in favor of the one who provides this opportunity.

If you and your husband do not live in exile or on a desert island, you will be surrounded by relatives. Yours, his, and also friends with whom you can spend holidays or leisure time.

But what if you feel that your “family” field is too often interfered with by the plans and interests of your mother and friends?

A healthy adult with normal self-esteem and personal boundaries always puts himself first on the list of priorities, then his other half, if any, then children, and then only relatives and friends.

If the order of these priorities is violated, one of two things: either something is wrong with your relationship, or.

But did you choose the right one? So let's talk about relationships.

Threat #1: His Friends

You were already preparing to expose the betrayal when he once again went in the evening to help Lekha with the car. But no! It turned out that he really goes and fixes the car with friendly gatherings in the garage with Lekha, and not with you.

He also helps Vlad with repairs, and on Saturdays he has an overnight fishing trip exclusively with men.

Friends are good. Legends are written and films are made about true male friendship. But a worthy man always finds a balance between friends and the woman he loves.

The most “bright” indicator of problems in a relationship is sudden get-togethers with his friends at your house, when you had completely different plans for the evening (you know what I mean).

All this sooner or later begins to irritate, and quite rightly.

If all his entertainment takes place exclusively with friends, and family leisure is considered either on a residual basis or is absent altogether, this is unpleasant.

And, most likely, you will want to. But remember!

If you start making scandals, setting ultimatums (God forbid: “either me or them!”), imposing your own rules, it will end in nothing.

He will feel that his freedom is being pressured and attacked, they are declaring war and openly conflicting - which means he will move away, perceiving you as a rival, and not as a woman. There is no need to do this.

What then? Analyze the situation and behave.

Try to love his friends. Accept the fact that they appeared in his life, most likely, much earlier than you. Perhaps they have known him since kindergarten or school; they have gone through fire, water and copper pipes with him.

This is worthy of respect and admiration. It’s not worth fighting with them for your husband’s attention - it will be useless and definitely not in your favor. If you didn’t have time to “get to know” them while you were dating, don’t miss this opportunity now.

Try to improve your relationship with them, with their wives, if you have them. This situation has several outcomes: you will like his company and make new friends, or you won’t like anyone and that’s a completely different story.

Just don't take the mac and cheese and knock on their door on a Sunday morning like in .

Analyze the situation, the relationship between husband and friends, friends and their wives, monitor reactions, establish contact. This way you can at least gather information and determine leverage if necessary.

Become “one of your own” in their circle, but only to the extent that he will not be jealous of his friends for you - otherwise this happens.

If you don’t like one of them, try to find some good traits in him, because for some reason they are friends with your spouse.

Take the initiative. Offer to have a barbecue at your dacha this weekend, invite all your friends and families, have a lot of fun together, invite them to your birthdays.

If you make such gatherings regular, you will soon gradually have your own “company” - and the question of “his friends” will cease to be relevant, since they will now be common.

Start family traditions. Invite him, for example, to spend every Friday/Saturday/every December 31st separately: he and his friends go to the bathhouse, and you and your girlfriends go to a bachelorette party or wherever you want. An exaggerated example, but still.

There are your personal days, there are family days - and one should not interfere with the other.

A fun option is to write a comic family code in your couple (family) and hang it on the refrigerator.

From time to time, let everyone make their suggestions and wishes, which can be discussed at a monthly family council (ideally, these are pleasant family gatherings).

Have an honest conversation with your husband. It is a calm, reasonable, constructive conversation, and not screams and scandals in the style of “how did they get me, and so did you”!

Only speak when he is happy, well-fed, calm and not worried about production work problems.

If it’s unpleasant for you, it hurts to see every time the choice is not in your favor - tell him how you feel, why, and offer a solution. what he thinks should be done and calmly discuss the situation.

Maybe it's not really about friends, but that you would like him to be more involved in raising children or just need a dishwasher for the kitchen? Or have you not worked out for a long time?

Create an atmosphere. Evaluate, as if from the outside, how cozy and sincere it is in your home, does he rest when he comes home after work? Does he want to return home?

Home is a chance to recharge, receive love, and recharge emotionally. If this is not the case, the man will look for an outlet in another “home”. With or with friends - it depends on your luck.

And believe me, friends - the most harmless option. If he can truly relax and unwind not with you, but with friends, ask yourself the question, not him: “Why?”

Take care of yourself. It is most important. Ask yourself a question: do you spend your time interestingly in his absence? Do you have friends, your own hobbies, interests?

Are you not putting pressure on him, are you not intrusive? Aren't you suffocating with your care? Do each of you have your own personal space?

Are you able to relax and have fun without him? Just try, for the sake of an experiment, to live for a week “for yourself,” to enjoy yourself, not paying attention to the presence or absence of your husband nearby at this time.

See if his attitude changes?

But there are also taboos

Make comments to him or in the presence of his friends, discuss his actions; flirt with one of your friends; give ultimatums; manipulate and deceive.

You yourself know what the consequences will be.

What should you be wary of?

Any extreme. For example, if he has no friends at all. None. This means that either a person does not know how to be a friend, or does not know how to create strong connections with people, or is so “self-sufficient” that he does not need anyone.

This is neither good nor bad, but in everyday life it is usually difficult to get along with such people. Or he has friends with whom in the evenings after work they go exclusively for a beer, but then this is more likely.
It’s a separate question if his friends obviously have a bad influence on him.

A simple example: when he signed up for expensive advanced training courses, and instead of the next class he went to drink beer with friends.

The other extreme: he sees friends more often than you have sex, he prefers to spend all his free time in their company, and not his family, home and children (if any) are completely on you - this is an alarm bell.

Perhaps you didn’t voice your views on family life when you were getting married?

Threat #2: His mom (and dad too)

There are cases when a man is strongly attached to his parents, especially his mother. Although psychologists say that this is usually a problem for women.

This is very good, but provided that you live separately and he maintains a certain distance in his relationship with his parents. Helps physically, financially, respects, visits, calls, congratulates on the holidays.

And at the same time, you and your husband have your own territory physically and psychologically, no one interferes with your family with advice and questions.

If, at the first call, he rushes to his mother to fulfill all her requests, if he regularly listens to her lamentations, complaints, demands (often about a bad daughter-in-law), he constantly owes her something, is guilty of something...

And most importantly, everything that happens in your family is decided by his mother - this is fundamentally wrong.

Mom, of course, loves him, but, unfortunately, without understanding it or wanting to, she often acts destructively.

This situation is also strange for you if you are an adult, self-sufficient person. BUT arguing with his parents and him about relationships with them is a waste of time.

It is much easier to choose the words and draw your husband’s attention (gently and in a feminine way) to those moments that you consider wrong and incorrect, from the position of a woman who loves him and sees everything from the outside.

If he is childish or - you will not envy you, for two reasons: it cannot be “cured” if the man himself does not want to, and it will be a titanic work for you.

And further. You still have to build a respectful relationship with his mother.

After all, you have at least one thing in common: you both love the same man. And your children are her grandchildren.

This is where your feminine wisdom, ability to be flexible and see the good in people will come in handy. And think at the same time, how will you behave with your own when he grows up?

What if it’s both?

Then this. The recipes are still the same, try and experiment. But the main thing is not to focus on what is happening to him.

Focus on your own life, become the woman with whom you want to be around as often as possible, spend time, please, surprise and give gifts.

Then the problem of his parents or friends, or any other problem against the background of your relationship, will simply lose relevance

Is yours,
Yaroslav Samoilov.

Hello!
I've given up and don't know what to do. I can no longer share my husband with his many friends, but he doesn’t want to leave.
In order, we have been together for 7 years, married for 4 years. My husband has a second marriage, from his first marriage he has an 11-year-old son, we also have a son, he is 3 years old.
She never received the long-awaited happiness from her marriage, although she always strived for it. The problem is that I have a persistent dislike for his friends (I don’t know why!!! maybe because I’m 30 and they’re already over 40-45?), and he doesn’t want to communicate with mine (he says he’s not interested ). Against this background, we always have problems. He often meets with his friends, often without warning or warning me at the last moment. Yes, our age difference is 10.5 years. In his company there is always alcohol, and a lot of alcohol, everyone drinks - they sit around the table and drink. I don’t meet with friends that often, and we have other interests - children, skiing, activities - mostly without alcohol, and if there is, then in small quantities. When I ask him to warn me in advance about his plans, he always tells me that he does not intend to “ask for time off” to see his friends, he is an adult who does not need to be controlled, and I do not tell him that he will do whatever he wants. But in my opinion, everything in a family should be agreed upon and you need to negotiate, and not “ask for time off.” He can't hear me. In front of friends, he tries to “forget” about our plans. For example, if we agreed to go on vacation, then in front of his friends he forgets about it and agrees to spend time with his friends during this time. And he definitely won’t forget about this. Again, regarding help, he instantly rushes to help everyone around, whereas if I ask him, he instantly forgets about it.
Plus, he's lying. He has a rather authoritarian mother, whom he was afraid of since childhood, and I suspect that because of these fears (now transferring everything to our family) he lies, and I cannot trust him. I also cannot rely on him, because, as I already said, he conveniently forgets about general plans if there is an alternative.
Of course, I am inclined to blame myself for our scandals, because... I’m probably too critical of his friends, but I can’t help it - it’s like it’s bulging out from within. As a result, when he is around, the atmosphere is constantly tense. Now he works on shifts, when he is on shift, everything is calm in our family, no nerves, good mood. As soon as he arrives, I immediately tense up and feel uncomfortable.
I want support, I want a person to be interested in me and my affairs, I want initiative to spend free time together (we are together very rarely and it feels like it annoys him and he is doing it under pressure).
I want to actively relax, go somewhere, see new places, but he doesn’t need anything - if not friends, then at home on the couch in front of the TV.
Tell me, is there any point in continuing such a relationship, I am in constant stress in it, the child is also growing nervous and sick, although we try not to swear in front of him? Or is this impossible given such a discrepancy between life priorities and interests? Still, I want to have a like-minded person nearby.
Thank you in advance!

When a woman gets married, by default she expands her circle of acquaintances to include all her husband’s friends, regardless of whether she likes it or not. If mutual sympathy does not arise between the parties, the young husband finds himself at a crossroads - to meet his wife halfway or to remain faithful to old friendships.

How can a girl improve a relationship and should she do it? Find out why the fight for the attention of a loved one with his friends can end in tears and how to prevent a family tragedy.

Opposition theory

Every man definitely needs a field for self-expression - a society and a place where he could discuss topics that interest him “without censorship” and expect a reaction of approval in return. In a family environment, a guy asserts himself differently, and normally his behavior differs significantly from what is considered permissible in male company.

At the beginning of a marriage, while the “old priorities” are still at work in the relationship and the spouses are actively trying to defend their independence, friendship can come first for a man. He tries to prove to his friends and, first of all, to his young wife that entering into a marriage is not a reason to change his habits. Usually this situation in the family lasts for the first year after the wedding, after which the husband finally leans in favor of the side where he feels most comfortable.

Male friendship: protect or destroy?

The wife’s attitude towards her husband’s friends, as a rule, is formed during the difficult period of the “first year” for the family, and if the guy spends most of his free time meeting with friends, it cannot be positive. A woman faces a choice:

• leave everything as it is and come to terms with the fact that the husband will often disappear from home;
• make friends with your spouse’s friends by introducing yourself into their company;
• get rid of unwanted people by stopping your husband’s communication with them forever.

Having chosen an option for eliminating the danger that is acceptable to her, the girl must develop tactics of behavior and follow it to the end. She needs to be prepared for the fact that, sensing opposition, her husband’s friends will try to win the man over to their side, and whether they succeed or not will depend on her personal efforts.

In some cases, male friendship can be the key to the success of the head of the family and bring him not only pleasure from communication, but also contribute to the development of his financial and social status. In this case, even if the husband’s friend does not arouse the wife’s sympathy, it is better for her to leave the negativity to herself and develop a friendly and respectful attitude towards her new acquaintance.

Why do husbands choose friends?

Unlike women, for whom friendship means the opportunity to speak out and be heard, men perceive friendly communication as an option for self-realization. In the company of like-minded people or in the company of a best friend, a husband can temporarily abstract himself from the role of breadwinner and family protector and return again to the emotional state that preceded marriage.

In what cases can a man prefer the company of his comrades to the detriment of his family?

• immature character (infancy) and unwillingness to take responsibility;
• inability to behave naturally and at ease at home;
• low authority of the wife in the eyes of her husband;
• hysterical spouse and nervous atmosphere at home;
• a common hobby with friends that has been the basis of their relationship for many years (for example, fishing);
• reluctance to cause condemnation and receive henpecked status among acquaintances.

The husband may not be aware of the reason that drives him out of the house over and over again, but if this happens, the woman should look for the problem in her own attitude towards family life, and not in her husband’s communication with his friends. To deprive him of this resource by force means to doubt his masculinity and make him look ridiculous in front of his comrades. The husband, even having submitted to such a decision of his wife, may harbor a grudge against her, which will certainly lead to mutual disappointment.

A bad friend can't ruin a good husband

Women often complain that, under the influence of their best friend, their husband suddenly changes for the worse - he starts going out, drinking and showing aggression at home. However, the ability to radically change a person’s character is not characteristic of even the worst friends. People do not change suddenly, and no external circumstances can force a man to smoke and drink if these bad habits are contrary to his inner beliefs.

Those unpleasant traits that a woman reveals in her husband during his communication with friends have, in fact, always constituted the hidden essence of his nature, developing throughout his life. But it is easier for a wife to blame unmarried or morally unencumbered acquaintances of her husband for all the misfortunes than to admit that the husband himself is ready to take up a bottle or run off to a party at the first opportunity.

Before “weaning” your spouse from friendly get-togethers, you need to ask yourself: is everything really so perfect in the family that, having lost an outlet on the side - even in the form of “bad” friends - the spouse will happily spend the whole weekend at home? Perhaps, left alone with themselves and with problems that were only covered up by external factors, the husband and wife will understand how little they have in common and how poorly they, in essence, know each other.

A fight for attention that might not have happened

The complaints of girls faced with their husband’s busy entertainment schedule sound the same: “I don’t want to communicate with my husband’s friends, but I also can’t allow him, under the influence of his friends, to slide into infidelity or alcoholism.” As a result, the wife is present at men's gatherings, not receiving any pleasure from communication and darkening the fun of the entire company with her dissatisfied appearance. Or he sits at home, stressing himself out mentally and preparing the ground for the next scandal.

In fact, if the girl bothered to be frank first of all with herself, this phrase would sound like this: “I will not allow my husband to devote his attention to anyone else but me.” The wife is offended: she works just like her chosen one, takes care of the housework and would like to receive gratitude for this. In this situation, her husband’s meetings with friends are perceived by her as a betrayal. She is nervous, fantasizes, and harasses herself and her husband with phone calls.

Having gone through a difficult period of getting used to each other, having learned to appreciate their partner and his interests (and this comes with years of marriage), women begin to regret this wasted time when they tried to control their husband’s every move. The hours spent in nervous anticipation are gone forever, and the eternal scandals that accompany each return of the spouse force him to look for new opportunities to leave home. It turns out to be a vicious circle: demanding more attention to herself and not being able to argue her right with anything other than reproaches, the woman pushes the man away even more, and true friends become his salvation from an unbearable home environment.

Proper behavior with your husband's friends

At the beginning of family life or before the wedding, that X-meeting will definitely take place, which decides the girl’s future position in the established friendly environment of her husband. If a new participant in a get-together is “not welcome” and his friends directly tell the guy about this, there is a 95% chance that he will stop inviting his girlfriend to the company.

How can a girl behave correctly in a new society, so that the friends of her loved one consider her a worthy match for their friend and do not plot against her?

1. You should immediately present yourself as an integral part of the spouse, so that friends do not even have doubts that from now on all their invitations and other issues will be considered not by one person, but by two.
2. You need to think before you speak, and not rush to take sides in conversations, since behind every event in the company there is a story that is not yet known to the new participant.
3. You cannot flirt or highlight any of your husband’s friends with your attention - such behavior of a girl will cause ridicule in his direction and will automatically impose a ban on her presence in this society.
4. You should listen more and support your spouse more often in the conversation - this will give him confidence that his choice regarding his girlfriend has become the right one.

Most likely, there will be other girls in the company of your husband’s friends. If this is the case, then it is better for the newly arrived woman to first gain their favor. Even if guys don’t advertise it in society, at home they always listen to the opinions of their girlfriends, and this factor can be decisive for their friend’s bride.

How to get your husband out of a “bad” company

If in the company of friends a man reveals only his worst qualities, which make themselves felt in the home environment, the situation urgently needs to be changed. It will not work to forbid a guy to communicate with such people. Strong relationships between husband and friend are always justified on a deep psychological level. All that remains is to cool the old friendship, introducing doubt and mutual dissatisfaction with each other drop by drop.

Here are some of the easiest ways to expel “extra” people from your spouse’s comfort zone:

• You need to praise your husband more often, saying how positive he is and at the same time wondering how he finds something in common with such a gray mediocrity as his friend.
• A girl can occasionally hint to her husband that his friend is looking at her, that she does not like his “greedy” look.
• If her husband's friend makes some mistake, the girl needs to show her grief - mostly by the fact that her friend's behavior disgraces her loved one.
• During joint gatherings, it is permissible for a woman to ask her husband’s friends “uncomfortable” questions in a friendly manner, the answers to which will not show them in the best light.

And finally, a girl should always look good and look a little helpless - then any attacks from her husband’s friends in her direction will make her husband want to protect her, to rebel against everyone.

Relationship with ex-husband's friend

Due to various circumstances, the marriage may fall apart, and some friends of the ex-spouse may turn out to be sober-minded as to take the side of the weaker half. There is nothing wrong with a girl, even after a divorce, continuing to communicate with her husband’s friend, even an ex-husband, but sometimes mutual understanding develops into a stronger feeling. It is much more difficult for guys to decide to follow it than for girls, because on one side of the scale they find themselves on the other side of the scale and on the other is a love adventure, which can either develop into a strong union or end in nothing.

For a woman, the possibility of a relationship with her husband's best friend is not so much a matter of ethics as an agreement with her own conscience. Short-sighted young ladies use such a move as revenge on their “ex” or to forget themselves with a person who “knows everything.” For a serious-minded girl, the opinion of her husband who was left behind is important. The thought “what will the ex think” lingers in a woman’s mind long after a divorce, and it is this thought that often becomes the reason why a promising friendship with her husband’s friend becomes impossible.

If the couple nevertheless decides to take an important step, the girl should remember three important “don’ts”:

• never reproach a man for betraying a comrade;
• do not compare life with a new guy with those relationships that are a thing of the past;
• do not allow the young man to think that he is being used as an instrument of revenge.

The option when men continue to be friends even after they have changed roles in relation to the girl is considered not the best. If men find a common language well, they will always be in solidarity to the detriment of anything, which means that a woman needs to be prepared for the fact that all conflicts in her new family will be viewed through the prism of a failed marriage.

Psychologist comments

When getting married, a girl prepares herself in advance for the fact that new life circumstances will force her husband to change his attitude towards friends, giving them second place on the scale of importance, but this opinion is wrong. A man does not consider his established marital status from the point of view of sacrifice; for him, marriage is a new component of a happy present, fitting in with other elements of joy, such as communication with friends.

Not a single normal man will answer positively to the bride’s question asked during premarital relations about whether he is ready to break with all friendly ties, having found family happiness. A man simply will not understand how these two moments of his cloudless future can supplant each other, and he will be right in his own way. The mistake of many young wives is that after the wedding they directly issue an ultimatum: “Either me or them!”, without even realizing that the desired effect can be achieved without squabbles and mutual accusations.

A well-groomed, affectionate, always playful wife who meets her husband in a good mood, no matter where he comes from - from work or from a friendly party - is a guarantee that within a short time new associations will form in the man’s mind. It is no longer a friend’s bachelor apartment or a cafe that will appear before his eyes when planning his next weekend, but a cozy home with a friendly hostess.

At first glance, advice from a psychologist, if your husband’s friends come first, is not even needed. It seems that it is enough to simply understand them or ask someone of the other sex about it. It is not necessary to comprehend or draw up complex diagrams. Men are not other creatures from another planet with whom we do not have a common language. In fact, we can easily apply interest and put ourselves in the place of such a man.

Almost all guys choose friends first; rarely does a girl come first for them. After all, girls come and go, girls are then something else, different, and you need to behave with them completely differently, but friends will always understand you and will always remain. But what when your husband's friends come first? It would seem that this should not happen at all and that this is completely wrong... But even in this case, you can find a way out.

This does not mean that they will all have the same reasons and that such priorities indicate a character that has not yet matured or is not ready for a “serious” relationship. In fact, there may be different reasons, and we will try to consider the main ones, because knowing the reasons, we can better understand the situation and find a way out of it.

The first possible reason is unpreparedness for a serious marital relationship, which is most often found among young husbands who do not know how to behave well with women. But in fact, almost all men have his friends at one of the main levels of their priorities; the only question is whether she occupies a leading position or not. Friends are one of the most important things, a very important part in the life of every man. Each of them respects their friends very much, is always ready to help them, and being a good friend is a real title that everyone wants to earn. The only difference is what idea a man has of friendship, what concept he attaches to it and how he behaves. Sometimes unpreparedness is not a very serious problem, because you can push your husband and talk to him about your feelings. Tell him that you don’t like the way he behaves, but do it delicately, solve your problems and mistakes together, point out to him what can help him become a better husband for you. Don't forget to mention that you don't forbid him to see his friends, you respect them very much, but it would be better if he paid more attention to you.

Perhaps one of the most difficult cases when a man puts his friends first can also be gender discrimination. This type can hang out at parties with friends, go to football and beer with them, while his wife cleans, cooks and does laundry at home. In his mind, this is exactly what she should do, he is a man, and he should spend his time with men. For him, a woman remains his favorite bunny and swallow, but in his ideas she stands lower than a man and plays a completely different role. Such a husband will not put you first, he is not ready to perceive you differently, and trying to change him is a very difficult task. In this case, you have to ask yourself, do you need this kind of life? After all, when a man openly treats a woman impolitely and discriminates against her friends, this only indicates that he is poorly brought up, has false ideas about marriage and gender, and in some cases such a husband can be equated to a domestic tyrant. Think about what you can do about it? Can you reprogram his consciousness, ideas, character? Are you ready to endure this kind of treatment for the rest of your life?

If a man puts friendship first, psychologists say that the reason for this may simply be the placement of terminal values. Each person is special, and throughout their life they form their own structure of values ​​and set priorities. And the fact that your husband’s friends will come first does not mean the end of the world, this is his opinion, his values, his character, which you must understand and support. The only difference is how this arrangement of values ​​manifests itself, whether it interferes with your personal life, or whether it causes some difficulties. If not, think about why you think this is a problem? Isn't it easier to accept your husband's position and come to terms with his decision? After all, he still loves you, trusts you and appreciates you, for him you are the best woman and beloved wife, your marriage can be ideal, does it bother you in this case that your husband is very attached to his friends? Sometimes you just need to come to terms with such an opinion and forget about your selfishness. Maybe your problem lies in the fact that you do not want to give up your “first crowning place in his life”?

If friends have a bad influence on your husband, and you worry about him, or because of his friends he began to treat you badly, the best way out would be to talk frankly with him. In psychology there is such a thing as “I-messages”. These are more open phrases for the interlocutor, in which you frame the conversation in the first person and indicate your requirements. You can say “you have bad friends, you have started to behave worse, they...you don’t pay attention anymore...”. In this case, the phrase is perceived as a reproach, an accusation. The I-message will sound like this: “I don’t like the way you’ve been treating me lately, I want to talk to you about it, because it’s very unpleasant for me when your friends...”. You encourage your opponent to think about your feelings and listen to you.