On marital abstinence during the days of Great Lent and before Communion of the Holy Mysteries. “You should not bend under a changing world,” or On the benefits of marital abstinence through fasting

In the comments on the opinion was expressed that this position is rigorous. I would like to know your opinion.

Hieromonk Job (Gumerov) answers:

In spiritual matters there must be complete clarity in definitions. It is unacceptable to substitute one for the other and confuse two different subjects: the spiritual meaning of fasting as abstinence (not only for the stomach, but for the whole person) and pastoral economy - indulgence and considerations of practical benefit in solving issues of the spiritual life of individual members of the Church.

The fact that the period of fasting is a time of marital abstinence is clearly stated by the Apostle Paul: “Do not deviate from one another, except by agreement, for a while, for exercises in fasting and prayer and [then] be together again, lest Satan tempt you with your intemperance” (1 Corinthians 7:5).

To understand this passage, let us turn to the patristic interpretation. I will give an explanation of St. Theophan the Recluse. His method of interpretation is distinguished by an important feature for us: it relies on the entire exegetical experience of the holy fathers that preceded it. His exegesis is final. Secondly, it is close to us in time. The spiritual questions he solves are not much different from ours. Citing the verse we have quoted, the saint writes: “He commands to abstain during fasting for the most fervent prayer: maybe this goes to all church fasts, especially to fasting ... It is clear that the apostle would like to see the abstention kept as if the law, but converged, only yielding to the emergency which is determined not by wishes, but by nature, and not even by nature, but by prudence" ( Theophan the Recluse, saint. Interpretation of the Epistle of the Apostle Paul: To the Corinthians of the first. M., 2006. S. 322).

The Apostle Paul says: “But this I say by counsel, (a) not by commandment” (1 Cor. 7:6). Saint Gregory the Theologian, to whom there was a link in one of the comments, only repeated this thought: “I ask only one thing: accept the gift as a fence, and bring purity from yourself for the gift for a while, while the days set for prayer continue, which are more honest than working days. , and then by mutual agreement and agreement (see: 1 Cor. 7: 5). For we do not enact a law, but we give advice and we want to take something from yours for your own sake and for your common security. Gregory the Theologian , saint. Creations. M., 2007. T. 1. S. 469).

Unlike food, marital abstinence concerns a very delicate and fragile area of ​​the relationship between two people, which often (as experience convinces) differ in their spiritual development. Therefore, there is no direct canonical prescription (hence, penance) of abstinence, but all the same it is a spiritual and moral norm, the non-observance of which, in the absence of an appropriate reason, is a sin that must be confessed.

We must sacredly adhere to the teaching of the Church about fasting as a necessary school, without which we are unlikely to have spiritual fruit. “Temperance does not consist in abstaining from foods that are meaningless in themselves, the result of which is the non-sparing of the body condemned by the apostle (cf. Col. 2:23), but in the complete renunciation of one’s own desires” (St. Basil the Great). The whole life of a Christian should be a constant striving for a lofty ideal, the achievement of which is impossible without a certain achievement. If we look in the rules for some opportunities to live outside the saving feat, then we will gradually catch up with the Protestants, who abolished fasts long ago and are doing everything to meet fallen human nature.

All that has been said not only does not cancel, but, on the contrary, requires pastoral sensitivity and indulgence in each specific case when it comes to the fasting of spouses, if one of them is still spiritually weak.

It is not difficult for me to answer the statement made in one of the comments that I bless the breakup of families with facts. We have an archive of personal letters. In three years and three months, we sent 11,873 letters. I had to answer questions about marital abstinence. Here are the tips that I have been given.

"Dear Dionysius! I sympathize with you very much. If your spouse still does not understand the meaning of the Christian life, including abstinence during fasting, then do not refrain, but yield. Peace in the family is essential. There will be no sin. Most importantly, show the fruits of your Christianity: peace, joy, long-suffering, love, and so on. Take care of your wife."

“Dear Anastasia! Relations with her husband during fasting must be built wisely and sensitively. If he is not yet ready for fasting, then you can give in, but gradually lead him to life according to the holy rules.

“Dear Oleg! I am aware of the difficulty of your position. Since peace in the family comes first, then in order not to strain relations, give in to your wife. At the same time, do not forget to reproach yourself and repent.”

"Dear Elena! I congratulate you on the beginning of the saving Great Lent. Observe fasting in food, but for the sake of peace in the family (since the husband has not yet become churched), the spouse must yield. So you will bring him to the Church faster. He will see your wisdom and love for him. Make up for the incompleteness of bodily fasting with spiritual fasting: abstinence of the tongue, non-irritability, non-judgment, etc.”

I won't bore you further with statements. From the above extracts it is clear that there is no "rigorism". But I emphasize that this is a different topic. Unfortunately, some priests who participated in the discussion of the problem of abstinence substituted one issue for another. In the spiritual life, this always leads to serious mistakes.

- What restrictions does fasting impose on marital relations, given that about half of the days are fasted in a year?

- If we touch on the rules of the Ecumenical and Local Councils of the 1st millennium, then one day of marital fasting is prescribed there before communion. Then already, in the 2nd millennium, more stringent requirements and rules arose, and marital relations during fasts began to be banned altogether. But for so many spouses, as the priests say, this turns out to be unbearable burden about which Christ spoke (see Matt. 23:4). If the spouses cannot fulfill this rule, the conscience begins to torment. If, nevertheless, they perform, then often causeless discord in the family begins, often leading to very serious conflicts and even catastrophes in family life.

Yes, restrictions during fasting are very useful and therefore necessary. But what? Ancient wisdom, as we remember, says: "Everything is good in moderation." And the measure cannot be the same for all people. The Apostle Paul writes: Do not deviate from each other, except by agreement, for a while, for the exercise in fasting and prayer, and then be together again(1 Corinthians 7:5). Therefore, the church regulations themselves regarding marital fasting are only recommendations, but not requirements. The nature and degree of implementation of these recommendations depends on the mutual decision of the spouses. Of course, in order to avoid extremes, one must consult with a confessor, with a judicious priest (because there are many lawyers condemned by Christ).

- Is it possible to have carnal relations between spouses without pursuing the goal of procreation? The thing is, I have a problem. I enter into this relationship with my wife to unite and strengthen the family, but at the same time I no longer have the goal of childbearing (she recently became pregnant).
– The Church itself blesses the married life with the sacrament of the Wedding. Childbearing is only a consequence of Christian marriage, but not the goal, which is the mutual assistance of spouses in the Christian life. Marital relations do not depend on the birth of children, and even infertility cannot be an obstacle to these relations. Like other natural needs blessed by the Church, they are not sinful; moreover, as you correctly noted, they strengthen the family. And in the context of the church rules of fasting, they have a different character. If by fasting the need for food is nevertheless satisfied by the use of other products, then marital relations cannot be replaced by anything. And at the same time, for example, not everyone can abstain for forty or fifty days. Therefore, in this case, it is necessary to fulfill the basic rule of fasting - reasonable, voluntary, by mutual agreement and in conscience, abstinence of spouses for the time available to their moral forces (for example, Great Lent: the first, fourth (Cross), Holy weeks; or Christmas: the first and last ; or in any other way) - in a word, some kind of abstinence is necessary as an expression of our reverence for that obedience that is given by the Church for our benefit.

There are very different opinions on the issue of marital intimacy. Priest Andrei Lorgus speaks about it this way: “There is no doubt that the first people had to continue their race ... But from the most ancient times (however, not in the Jewish world), the understanding of this commandment came across an irresistible aversion to that method of conception and even birth, which we, the heirs of Adam, know. This disgust was created in different ways. On the one hand, through philosophical spiritualism, which abhorred the flesh; on the other hand, through the monastic struggle with passions.

Many Fathers of the Church could not admit the idea that even in Paradise people could copulate with the flesh to give birth to offspring. Virginity reigned in paradise. When death entered the world, Adam knew his wife. "Be fruitful and multiply" does not mean the multiplication that occurs through copulation. For God could have spread our race in another way... but having foreseen sin, God created man and woman(John of Damascus, Reverend. An Exact Exposition of the Orthodox Faith. Book 4. Ch. 24).

There is no mention of marriage in paradise... Marriage was not necessary. After sin came marriage. These are mortal and slave clothes, for where there is death, there is marriage ... He (God) would take care of a way to increase the human race ... Why is marriage not before deceit, why is copulation not in paradise, why is the sorrow of birth not before damnation? (St. John Chrysostom)...

As we can see, patristic thought was looking for a different way to fulfill the commandment given to Adam and Eve about reproduction. And it really remains a mystery how Adam's offspring would have continued. However, the Church had another voice, asserting that the first people would not have copulated and would not have given birth if they had not sinned, what else asserts, if not that human sin is necessary for the reproduction of saints? (Blessed Augustine). The Lord, forming Eve from Adam, showed that copulation and the birth of children, according to the law, are free from all sin and condemnation (Caesarius of Nazianzus).

Such are the opposing views on the way of being born in a heavenly family, and this is understandable, for the consciousness of the Orthodox thinker did not calm down either on the Manichaean rejection of carnal intercourse, or on worldly frivolity, mistaking lust for natural passion ... ”(20: 205, 206).

Holy Fathers on married life

St. John Chrysostom

There is no guilt in marital intimacy, and abstinence should be in moderation and only by mutual agreement. For this, spouses are given to each other in order to observe chastity: “She who abstains against the will of her husband will not only lose the reward for abstinence, but will also give an answer for his adultery, and an answer more severe than he himself. Why? Because she, depriving him of lawful copulation, casts him into the abyss of debauchery. If she has no right to do this even for a short time without his consent, then what forgiveness can she get by constantly depriving him of this comfort? (13, part 6, § 48); “In view of the fact that many abstain and have pure and chaste wives, moreover, they abstain beyond what is due, so that abstinence becomes an occasion for adultery, in view of this, the apostle Paul says: let everyone use his wife(cf.: 1 Cor. 7, 2). And he is not ashamed, but enters and sits on a bed day and night, embraces husband and wife, and joins them together, and calls aloud : do not deprive yourself of each other, just by agreement(1 Corinthians 7:5). Do you observe abstinence and do not want to sleep with your husband, and he does not take advantage of you? Then he leaves home and sins, and in the end his sin is caused by your abstinence. Let him sleep with you rather than with a harlot. Cohabitation with you is not forbidden, but cohabitation with a harlot is forbidden. If he sleeps with you, there is no guilt; if with a harlot, then you have destroyed your own body ... For this you (wife) have a husband, for this you (husband) have a wife, in order to observe chastity. Do you want to have abstinence? Persuade your husband also that there are two crowns - chastity and harmony, but that there is no chastity and battle, that there is no peace and war. After all, if you abstain, and the husband is inflamed with passion, and meanwhile adultery is forbidden by the Apostle, then he must endure the storm and excitement. But do not deprive yourself of each other, only by agreement(1 Corinthians 7:5). And, of course, where there is peace ... there abstinence is crowned; and where there is war, chastity is undermined. So, strive (in abstinence) as much as you like; when you are weak, take advantage of fellowship (marriage), so that Satan does not tempt you. Everyone has his own wife(1 Cor. 7:2). There are three ways of life: virginity, marriage, fornication. Marriage is in the middle, fornication is below, virginity is above. Virginity is crowned, marriage is proportionately praised, fornication is condemned and punished. Therefore, keep the measure in your temperance, according to how much you can curb the infirmity of your flesh. Strive not to exceed this measure, lest you fall below any measure.”

St. Tikhon Zadonsky

In a family, it is necessary to refrain from each other by common agreement: “There is a custom for some husbands of their wives, and for wives to leave their husbands under the guise of abstinence, but this is a very dangerous thing, because instead of abstinence, a serious adultery sin can follow, either in one or in both faces. When a husband leaves his wife, and the wife sins with another, then the husband will be guilty of the same sin, as if he gave a reason to his wife to sin; so also the wife, when she leaves her husband, and the husband sins with another, then the wife is guilty of the same sin for the reason described above. For this reason, when separation happens for the sake of abstinence, then it should be with the consent of both persons, and for the time being, until they test themselves, can they bear this burden. When they can, it's good: let the tacos abide. When they cannot, let the packs converge into one; everything is not given to everyone” (quoted from: 53 with reference to: “The Works of St. Tikhon. 6th ed. 1899, vol. 5, p. 174”).

Elder Paisios the Holy Mountaineer

The problem of marital relations cannot be regulated by one of the spouses, this must be done by mutual agreement. At the same time, marriage is given not only for carnal pleasures: “You ask me about the marital relations of married priests, as well as the laity. Why do the holy fathers not give completely precise definitions? This means that there is something indefinable, because all people cannot live according to one pattern. The Fathers give much to our prudence, spiritual intuition, the possibilities and efforts of each.

To be more understandable, I will give examples from the lives of married priests and laity, who are still alive and whom I know. Among them there are those who, having entered into a marriage union, gave birth to one, two, three children, and then live in purity. Others enter into marital intimacy only during childbearing, and the rest of the time they live as brother and sister. Others refrain from intimacy only during the period of fasting, and the rest of the time they have close relationships. Some people can't even do that. There are those who have fellowship in the middle of the week to be clean three days before Divine Communion and three days after Divine Communion. Some stumble even here, for the reason that Christ, having appeared after the Resurrection to the Apostles, immediately said: As the Father sent Me, so I send you... receive the Holy Spirit. To whom you forgive sins, they will be forgiven; on whom you leave, on that they will remain(John 20:21-23).

The goal is that everyone should strive with reason and diligence, in accordance with their spiritual powers.

At first, of course, youth interferes, but over time, the flesh weakens, the spirit strengthens, and even married people begin to partake of Divine pleasure little by little. Then people - already in a natural way - are distracted from bodily pleasures, which become insignificant in their eyes. This is how the married labor ascetic - they come to paradise along a calm road with turns, while the monks go up there, climbing the rocks and climbing the peaks.

You must bear in mind that the problem of marital relations is not only your problem and that you do not have the right to regulate it alone; you can do this only by mutual agreement, as the apostle Paul commands (see 1 Cor. 7: 5). When this happens by mutual agreement, again, prayer is required. And the strong must enter into the position of the weak. It often happens like this: one half agrees to abstain so as not to upset the other, but suffers internally. This happens most often to wives who have little fear of God and movable flesh. Sometimes some pious husbands, hearing words of consent from their wives, through imprudence prolong the period of abstinence, and then the wives suffer: they become nervous and so on. Husbands think that their wives are strengthened in virtue and want to live more purely, entering into relationships after longer periods, and from this the wives are tempted to try to get along with someone. And when a fall occurs, they are tormented by remorse. However, husbands still try to live more cleanly, although they see that their wives are not disposed to this. Thus, husbands think that their wives have achieved spiritual prosperity and do not desire bodily things. But the physical cause is sometimes irremovable, and female selfishness is justified, as is the jealousy experienced by the weaker ones. A wife, seeing that her husband wants to live a spiritual life, makes an effort on herself, wanting to get ahead of him.

Of great importance is how both spouses are similar in physical constitution. When one is meek and sickly, and the other is very lively, it is necessary that the stronger sacrifice himself to the weaker. And gradually the weak, with the help of the strong, becomes healthy, and when both are healthy, they can move forward.

As I said at the beginning, even for the sanctification of a married man, prudence, diligence and feat are required. I believe that it is wrong to marry only in order to drink, eat, sleep and have carnal pleasures, because everything is carnal, and a person is not only flesh, but also a spirit. The flesh should help the sanctification of the soul, and not destroy the soul.

God, however, sees the diligence of every Christian and knows the strength that He gave to the Christian, and asks accordingly ”(19. Ch.“ About spouses ”).

M. Grigorevsky

None of the spouses should independently avoid physical intimacy: “United by marital ties, a husband and wife have no right to refuse to fulfill those requirements that lie in the concept of a marriage union and its purpose. Explaining the words of St. apostle: Husband show his wife due favor: likewise a wife is to her husband(1 Cor. 7:3), Chrysostom asks, what does due love mean? - The wife has no power over her body, but there is also a slave and at the same time the mistress of the husband. If you deviate from proper service, you offend God (Conversation 19 on 1 Cor., p. 324). Therefore it is said: do not deviate from each other, except by agreement(1 Cor. 7:5). Just as a wife, according to the meaning of these apostolic words, should not abstain against the will of her husband, so the husband is against the will of his wife, since great evil comes from such abstinence; from this there were adulteries, fornications and domestic disturbances, even if one of the spouses abstained for moral reasons, out of a desire, for example, to achieve greater purity through abstinence from carnal cohabitation, his abstinence would not matter. The side that does not want to abstain, experience proves, if it does not indulge in adultery, it will grieve, worry, get irritated and angry. “What is the use of fasting and abstinence when love is violated” (6: 145, 146).

Metropolitan Anthony of Surozh

Bodily unity is the fullness of mutual relations, a sacrament that directly comes from God and leads to it: “... We must remember, we must firmly know that the bodily unity of two people who love each other is not the beginning, but the fullness and limit of their mutual relations, that only when two people have become one in heart, mind, spirit, their unity can grow, open up in a bodily union, which then becomes no longer a greedy possession of one another, not a passive giving of one to another, but sacrament, that is, such an action that comes directly from God and leads to Him. One of the fathers of the Church in antiquity said that the world cannot exist without the sacraments, that is, without some states, some relationships being superearthly, heavenly, miraculous; and, he continues, marriage as the unity of two in a disparate world is such a sacrament, a miracle that surpasses all natural mutual relations, all natural states. And bodily marriage, also according to the teachings of one of the fathers of the Church, appears as a sacrament, similar to the Eucharist, the communion of believers. In what sense? In the sense that in the Eucharist, by the power of God, miraculously uniting faith and love, the believer and Christ become one. And in marriage (of course, on a different level and in a different way), thanks to mutual faith and mutual love, two people outgrow all discord and become one being, one person in two persons. This is at the same time the fullness of a spiritual-spiritual-bodily marriage and the fullness of chastity, when two people treat each other as if they were sacred and turn all their relationships, including bodily ones, into a sacrament, into something that transcends the earth and elevates to eternity” (136: 475).

Ily Shugaev

Conception is not associated with any filth: “The question of whether marital union is something nasty arose already among the first Christians. The Apostle Paul writes in one of his epistles: "Marriage... is honorable, and the bed undefiled" (Heb. 13:4). Of course, this refers to the bed of legal spouses, and not the bed of fornicators or traitors. Another evidence, now from the fourth century. At that time, people appeared who said that a priest should not have conjugal communion with his wife, and some even refused to receive communion from such priests. In response to this error, the Church again clearly testified at the Council of Gangra that those who abhor married priests, believing that marriage defiles them, are themselves excommunicated as heretics ...

That conception is not associated with any evil can be seen from the following. In the Orthodox Church, there are even holidays that are dedicated to conception. For example, the feast of the conception of the Mother of God in the womb of Her mother, the righteous Anna, or the conception of John the Baptist in the womb of the righteous Elizabeth. Indeed, it is a holiday. Man has not yet been born, but we know that he is already there.

There are even icons of holidays associated with conception. Of course, on the icon we see not a bed scene, but a conditional chaste image of marital intimacy. The spouses, and these are the righteous Joachim and Anna, the parents of the Most Holy Theotokos, stand next to each other in a movement reminiscent of a chaste, modest kiss. All! This is quite enough to indicate the bodily unity of the spouses in conception.

- Hello. Bless, father. What are the benefits of abstinence in family relationships?

Abstinence must be mutual. If, for example, you want to abstain, and the wife does not want to abstain, then you need to follow the wife's lead and sleep with her like husband and wife. And if, for example, on the contrary, she wants to abstain, but you do not want to, and you approach her with requests and demands, then she should follow your lead and give in to your desire. Abstinence in the family should only be mutual. And its meaning and benefit is very great. Those married couples who live without abstinence and without limiting their marital desires gradually come to incomprehensible and indescribable outrages. And those who abstain, they miss each other, and they meet Easter with joy, and then they share the marital bed with joy, and this is sweet for them, this is for them as a reward for chastity. And they love each other longer, stronger, stronger and more faithfully than those who do not know fasting. Fasting is very chaste in marital relations. Where there is no fasting in marriage, there is debauchery, godlessness, betrayal, and so on. And where there is abstinence, there is such a moment when people miss each other, yearn for each other, and then after Easter, after Christmas, they already have a kind of marital holiday. It's like the first wedding night. She is just as funny, just as sweet. Therefore, these marriages are stronger, stronger and more durable than the marriages of lechers. But I repeat, this is a matter of mutuality. If the wife, for example, cannot abstain, you must meet her halfway so that she does not look for an uncle on the side. And if, on the contrary, she wants to fast, and you do not want to fast, she should meet you halfway so that you do not look for an aunt on the side. Fasting is very important for marriage, without fasting marriage is incomplete, but fasting must be voluntary and mutual. If it is not mutual, then the fasting person must go towards the non-fasting one for the sake of family peace. The peace of the family is the most important thing in general. Those. The post is not next in importance. First the family world, and then everything else. Such a complex matter is family life. Family life is complex. Monks are easier. In something. And in some ways it's not easy at all. Actually, it's hard for everyone. Since we lost paradise, it's hard for everyone to live in the world.

Father, hello. I go to work in the morning, I cross myself, and I also cross the space in front of me. And drinking people often gather near our house in the morning. Today I saw an incredible grin on one person. You could say, if you could bite me, he would bite me. He grinned, cursed at me that I was praying here. I passed by without answering. But am I doing the right thing? Maybe I'm embarrassing people with my behavior? Or should I just keep doing it and ignore it?

Before you open the doors, cross yourself over with the cross, and overshadow your path with the cross before you exit the doors. And when you have already gone out into the street, and these blue characters or someone else are sitting there, then you do not show people outside that you are baptizing the road or yourself. It's not worth doing it, it's not worth it again. No need, I think so. Based on your words, and based on my personal beliefs, please be baptized before you leave your home. So you approached the door: cross yourself, pray briefly, cross the road, and then open it and go out. Those. don't tease the geese, don't. It is not necessary. You need the cross, these villains don't need it. Therefore, they, of course, look at you, so to speak, with a squint. And why do we need to call fire on ourselves once again out of the blue? No need.

Good evening, Father Andrew. I want to say that I am proud that in our Church there are clergy like you. True Christian, true lover of God, real. You are like a breath of fresh air to us. There should be more of these in the Church. God bless you and many years!

Thanks a lot for the kind words. I want to tell everyone that the Gospel contains a direct command of the Lord of the following nature: “The harvest is plentiful,” Christ says, “the laborers are few; Therefore, pray to the Lord of the harvest, that He will bring laborers into His harvest.” This question is very important. How much we pray that God will bring into the harvest, which is much, i.e. the ears are ripe, the souls are ready - how much do we pray that God will bring laborers to the ripened field, so that they will reap the fruit into eternal life? If you have never prayed about this, please correct yourself. Get on your knees, say: “Lord, Lord of my life, Lord of the world, please lead the laborers into Your harvest. In Russia, in America, in Australia, all over the world, bring kind people, wise, loving You, so that they take up this plow and begin to plow Your cornfield, so that they work in Your cornfield. We need to pray for this so that we can have more of these God's workers. In fact, we have very few of them. I recently heard that we have only fifteen thousand priests in the entire Russian Church. A drop in the sea. There are 200,000 registered psychics and 15,000 priests. Can you imagine? Here's a breakdown of the numbers. It's kind of a nightmare! There are very few of us. All these jackals are howling at the moon: "Priests tortured, priests everywhere, priests there, priests here, priests in education, priests in the army, priests in culture, priests on television." Listen, guys, we are only fifteen thousand people throughout Russia, together with Ukraine. There are very few of us: monks, catechists, priests, preachers. We are a drop in the ocean, and this poor drop is still puffing up on itself to pull all this load. Therefore pray to the Lord of the harvest to bring forth His laborers into His harvest. This is an appeal to all Christians. It will be easier for us to live in the world when the preaching of the gospel expands.

Father, good evening. You spoke about family relationships during fasting, and after fasting, what benefits does family abstinence give for the soul, for spiritual life?

You understand, people still fast in family life often, because, let's say, there are women's infirmities: every month a woman has certain infirmities - that's abstinence for you. Then, there are all sorts of business trips for men or women working. Then, there are illnesses, there are services, there are Wednesdays and Fridays. Then, there is something else. In short, fasting is the eternal companion of a Christian. And we are abstaining in marriage. By the way, this is how we are saved, because, I repeat to you, those who do not abstain, in their debauchery reach such extreme degrees of insanity that there is no longer any medicine, there God will simply destroy it all. I even consciously avoid saying all this on the air, because I know what I'm talking about. I know all this from confessions, I know from literature, I read it all, I understand it, I hear it very often. Those. people who do not abstain are so corrupted that they simply go crazy. And those who abstain keep a sound mind and love for their own person: a wife for her husband, a husband for his wife. They don't need anything else. So abstinence is always good, and we have many reasons for abstinence. I repeat that, for example: a wife gave birth, everything is torn there, everything hurts; or the wife feeds; or you went on a business trip; or fasting has come; or something else. We abstain all our lives, it's hard, really, but it saves us, because if we started doing whatever we want, we would go crazy. And those who do whatever they want, they have already gone crazy for a long time. Those. they simply behave no longer like humans, but like demons, and prove that this is how it should be. So abstinence is a great thing, it makes a person chaste. In general, the bonds of marriage heal a person very much; in marriage, a person acquires a certain fullness and is healed of many hidden or obvious spiritual illnesses. Marriage is a great medicine, the bonds of marriage are sacred.

Hello. Father, could you explain how to understand the words of the Apostle Paul in the second chapter of the Epistle to the Ephesians: “God, rich in mercy, according to His great love, with which He loved us, and gave us life, dead in transgressions, with Christ - by grace you have been saved - and resurrected with Him, and seated in heaven in Christ Jesus ..... For by grace you are saved through faith, and this is not from you, God's gift ... "How to understand? When did you revive, when did you resurrect, when did you plant? How to understand these words?

Paul was speaking to Christians, i.e. to those who have already entered the Church. Christians are those who have heard the sermon about Christ. This sermon about Christ broke through some walls of internal resistance and penetrated into the heart. Those. man believed. First, preaching and faith, then after faith, preparation for Baptism and Baptism. And those who experienced this appeal to God through preaching and edification in faith, who prepared for Baptism and were baptized, in fact, are those people who can fully say about themselves that I used to be in the kingdom of darkness, and now I in the Kingdom of Light. Those. I used to be a son of perdition, but now I am a son of salvation. I was dead in my transgressions, and now I have been washed, illumined, cleansed, and made alive with Christ. These words are addressed to those who have experienced the blessed experience of hearing the word about the Lord - once; preparations for Baptism and Baptism itself - two; entry into the Christian community. The Apostle Paul refers to the practical experience of Christians who have experienced their transition from darkness to light, from death to life, from those who perish into the number of those who are being saved. These are not, say, some invented words, but these are words that reflect reality. Those. a person who, in adulthood, heard about Christ, left his sins - fornication, unnatural fornication, theft, gluttony, drunkenness, avarice, desire for power, something else - turned to God with all his soul, was baptized, washed away his sins, left from the font and felt like a new person, such a person can then read the Epistle of the Apostle Paul. Paul tells him: “Yes, you were dead before because of your transgressions, but now you have been washed, cleansed, illumined, and now the Lord has seated you with Himself, i.e. you are heirs of eternal life.” And they felt it in themselves. The pledge of eternal life must be felt by man. Eternal life awaits us, the eternal Kingdom of Christ, and before that we are given certain pledges. Well, what about loans, if you like. Those. God gives us something in advance, says: “This is on you. This is a piece of what will happen next for you. Now you have a piece, and then there will be a whole mountain. Come on, try it." This is the grace-filled experience of salvation, the transition from death to life, that every Christian should have, and, accordingly, the apostolic epistles are addressed to these people. We have been given the Kingdom. The pledge of the Kingdom has already been tasted by us. We should already feel by taste, by smell, by heart memory how good it is to be with God. "Good for you?" - "It's good for me." “This is how you will feel good forever and ever. Do you want this? - "I want it." - "Everything. Amen. Work hard." This is how human life goes. The Apostle Paul writes about this in his Epistle to the Ephesians in the second chapter. Thanks for the question, good question.

The last week of Great Lent awaits us. By the way, today is Akathist Saturday. I ask you very much: set super-tasks for yourself. For example, try to memorize the Akathist to the Mother of God. It seems to be very difficult, but in fact it is not difficult, just start. Read it more often, it is him. Not all the other akathists, of which there are thousands, but namely his, because he is normative, a tuning fork, all the rest are written according to his model, and he sets all the pilgrims to very correct poetic theological thoughts. This is an amazing, incomparable text. Please memorize the Akathist to the Mother of God, the Psalter of King David. Little by little, psalm by psalm, psalm by psalm, learn by heart. This is very important, it will be very useful to you in this life and in the next.

Father, Alexey from Moscow. Archimandrite John Krestyankin before his death said about our time today that there will be few laborers. And for some reason they are silent about John Krestyankin.

No, they are not silent about him. This is a worthy person who is loved, respected, remembered, they constantly talk about him, read his books, pronounce his teachings. This is a very famous person, you can not be silent about him. We are not silent about the saints at all, we shout about the saints. Saints are very important people. Yes, of course, he predicted many difficult times, but this does not mean that you need to fold your paws. You need to work hard. And you work, and I will work, so we will be saved.

Bless, father. Prophet Sirach 7:33-34: “Fear the Lord, and honor the priest, and give him a share, as you were commanded: the firstfruits, and for sin, and the giving of shoulders, and the sacrifice of sanctification, and the firstfruits of the saints.” Explain, please.

The Old Testament priesthood was special. The Lord did not give them land. When they crossed the Jordan, the Lord said that I would give land to all tribes, but I would not give land to the tribe of Levi: I am their land. Those. they will have to serve the Lord, and all Israel will have to feed and support them. This is what the righteous Sirach writes about. He says that respect the priest, bring him the beginnings of all acquisitions: donate, give, separate, do not forget. Because the priests themselves did not plow, did not sow, were neither cattle breeders nor tillers, they only prayed to God and nothing more. The Lord says: "Let them pray to Me, let them serve Me, and they will have no land, but only special cities for them, for the Levites, and you will feed them - all the other eleven tribes." And such a law was observed in Israel. In relation to us, this means that the priests must devote their whole soul to the study of the Law of God, the preaching of the Law of God, and prayer in the temple. Studying, preaching and prayer should be the main occupations of a priest, and the people of God who feed on the priest's teaching, instruction, preaching, feed on the Holy Mysteries from his hands ... We feed you from a spoon, in fact. You understand that a priest, when he gives communion to a person, feeds him from a spoon, like a small child. As you spoon feed your babies, so we feed you. We are, in fact, your fathers. It does not matter, for example, that I am forty-five years old and you are sixty, but I feed you with a spoon. I listen to all your sins, I pray for you, I feed you with a spoon. Those. I don't have to do anything anymore. I have to do this: preach, teach, memorize, tell, serve, pray, take communion - and everything else is up to you. Those. the firstfruits of offerings, the firstfruits of one's profits - this is already a matter called almsgiving and the upkeep of the temple. After all, our churches live on your hands, my dears: your pensions, your salaries, your hands, your legs, your heart. All that we have in the temples is all your hands have earned. We are priests... Sometimes it happens that someone has a talent in business, and in most cases the priest just prays, and they bring it to him, they say: “Father, this is for stained glass windows, and this is for you to change the floor, and this is for you to decorate the iconostasis. And this is how our churches, in fact, live with your hands, your heart, your souls, and we, the priests, feed on your hands. You are our breadwinners and drinkers. We are your prayer books, we pray to God for you and feed you with the Holy Mysteries, and you are our breadwinners and drinkers, we can’t do without you. And you are nowhere without us, and we are nowhere without you.

Let Christ be between us and you, pacifying, admonishing, preserving and merciful to us! Save you, Lord!

Is modern man in his marital relationship able to fulfill the various and numerous church prescriptions of carnal abstinence?
Why not? Orthodox people have been trying to fulfill them for two thousand years. And among them there are many who succeed. In fact, all carnal restrictions have been prescribed to a believing person since the Old Testament times, and they can be reduced to a verbal formula: nothing too much. That is, the Church simply calls us not to do anything against nature.
The gospel and the entire church tradition, dating back to apostolic times, speak of earthly life as a preparation for eternity, of moderation, abstinence and sobriety as the inner norm of Christian life. And anyone knows that nothing captures, captivates and binds a person like the sexual area of ​​his being, especially if he releases it from internal control and does not want to remain sober. And nothing is so devastating if the joy of being together with a loved one is not combined with some abstinence.

Intimate relationships are one of the aspects of married life. We know that the Lord established marriage between a man and a woman in order to overcome the division between people, so that the spouses would learn, by working on themselves, to achieve unity in the image of the Holy Trinity, as St. John Chrysostom. And, in fact, everything that accompanies family life: intimate relationships, joint upbringing of children, housekeeping, just communication with each other, etc. - all these are means to help a married couple achieve a measure of unity accessible to them. Consequently, intimate relationships occupy one of the important places in married life. It is not a center of coexistence, but at the same time, it is not a thing that is not needed.
It is reasonable to turn to the centuries-old experience of being a church family, much stronger than a secular family. Nothing preserves the mutual desire of husband and wife for each other so much as the need at times to refrain from marital intimacy. How hard is it for a family, especially a young one, to have this kind of abstinence?
Why does the apostle Paul say that in marriage people will have “affliction according to the flesh” (1 Cor. 7:28)? Don't lonely and monastics have sorrows according to the flesh? And what specific sorrows are meant?

Married people do have “afflictions according to the flesh.” If they are not ready for the inevitable abstinence, then they have a very difficult time. Therefore, many modern families break up while waiting for the first baby or immediately after his birth. After all, without going through a period of pure abstinence before marriage, when it was achieved exclusively by a voluntary feat, they do not know how to love each other temperately when this has to be done against their will. Like it or not, and the wife is not up to the desire of her husband during certain periods of pregnancy and the first months of raising a baby. It was then that he begins to look to the side, and she gets angry at him. And they do not know how to painlessly pass this period, because they did not take care of this before marriage. After all, it is clear that for a young man it is a certain kind of grief, a burden - to abstain next to his beloved, young, beautiful wife, the mother of his son or daughter. And in a sense it is more difficult than monasticism. It is not at all easy to go through several months of abstinence from physical intimacy, but it is possible, and the apostle warns about this. Not only in the 20th century, but also to other contemporaries of the apostle, many of whom came from pagans, family life, especially at its very beginning, was portrayed as a kind of chain of solid amenities, although this is far from being the case.

Orthodox enter into marital intimacy out of love in order to take advantage of this relationship to strengthen the unity between husband and wife. After all, childbearing is only one of the means in marriage, but not its ultimate goal. If in the Old Testament the main purpose of marriage was childbearing, then in the New Testament the priority task of the family becomes likening the Holy Trinity. It is no coincidence that, according to St. John Chrysostom, the family is called a small church. Just as the Church, having Christ as its head, unites all its members into one body, so the Christian family, which also has Christ as its head, should promote unity between husband and wife. And if God does not give children to any couples, then this is not a reason to refuse marital relations. Although, if the spouses have reached a certain measure of spiritual maturity, then as an exercise in abstinence, they can move away from each other, but only by mutual agreement and with the blessing of the confessor, that is, a priest who knows these people well. Because it is unreasonable to take on such feats on your own, not knowing your own spiritual state.

Is it necessary to try to fast in a marital relationship if one of the spouses is unchurched and not ready for abstinence?
This is a serious question. And, apparently, in order to correctly answer it, you need to think about it in the context of the wider and more significant problem of marriage, in which one of the family members is not yet a fully Orthodox person. Unlike previous times, when for many centuries all spouses were married, we live in completely different times, to which the words of the Apostle Paul apply, that “an unbelieving husband is sanctified by a believing wife, and an unbelieving wife is sanctified by a believing husband” (1 Cor. 7). , fourteen). And it is necessary to refrain from each other only by mutual agreement, that is, in such a way that this abstinence in marital relations does not lead to a split and division in the family. Here, in no case should you insist, let alone put forward any ultimatums. A believing family member must gradually lead his companion or life partner to the fact that they will someday come together and consciously to abstinence. All this is impossible without serious and responsible churching of the whole family. And when this happens, then this side of family life will fall into its natural place.
The Gospel says that “the wife has no power over her own body, but the husband; likewise, the husband has no power over his own body, but the wife does” (1 Cor. 7:4). In this regard, if during fasting one of the Orthodox and churched spouses insists on intimacy, or does not even insist, but simply gravitates towards it in every possible way, while the other would like to maintain purity to the end, but makes concessions, then should he to repent of this, as in a conscious and free sin?

This is not an easy situation, and it should be considered in relation to different states and even to different ages of people. It is true that not all newlyweds who get married before Shrovetide will be able to go through Great Lent in complete abstinence, all the more so to keep all other multi-day fasts. And if a young and ardent husband cannot cope with his bodily passion, then, of course, guided by the words of the Apostle Paul, it is better for the young wife to be with him than to give him the opportunity to "ignite". He or she who is more moderate, temperate, better able to cope with himself, will sometimes give up his own desire for purity in order, firstly, that the worst that occurs due to bodily passion does not enter into the life of another spouse, in secondly, in order not to give rise to splits, divisions and thereby not to endanger family unity itself.
But one cannot look for quick satisfaction in one's own compliance and rejoice in the depths of one's soul at the inevitability of the current situation. In this case, it’s so easy to say: “What should I do if my husband (less often my wife) is so hot?” It's one thing when a woman goes towards someone who cannot yet bear the burden of abstinence with faith, and another thing when she shrugged her hands - well, if it doesn't work out otherwise - she herself does not lag behind her husband. Yielding, you need to know the measure.

In and of itself, the carnal relationship of husband and wife is not sinful. There are things that are sinful by nature, and there are things that become sinful due to the violation of the commandments. Suppose it is sinful to kill, to rob, to steal, to slander - and therefore it is forbidden by the commandments. But by its very nature, eating food is not sinful. It is sinful to enjoy it excessively, therefore there is fasting, certain restrictions on food. The same applies to physical intimacy. Being legally consecrated by marriage and directed in the right direction, it is not sinful, but since it is forbidden in a different form, if this prohibition is violated, it inevitably turns into "fornication."
Sanctifying marriage and the marital bed (“marriage is honorable and the bed is not filthy, their bed is hateful” - the great litany for betrothal), the Church teaches peace and temperance in marital relations. Before eating, an Orthodox Christian reads a prayer and, if there is a priest nearby, he asks: “Bless, Lord, the eating and drinking of Your servant,” but the Church condemns gluttony and drunkenness and makes it a sin. In the same way, while blessing marriage, the Church condemns the focus of the mutual interests of spouses exclusively on carnal relationships. When sex predominates in marriage, then depravity is hidden under its cover; when a husband, having previously quarreled with his wife, demands her body or puts up with her only in order to possess it, then sexual sin is committed in marriage. Addressing Christian spouses, Clement of Alexandria writes: “A person should refrain from voluptuous<...>there must be a measure and boundaries.” The absence of abstinence closes from each other the completeness of the perception of the trinity of the personality of each of the spouses - love is replaced by voluptuousness.
In marriage, abstinence is required, while monks are required to be completely abstinent. I am a happy person, “everything is permissible for me, but nothing should possess me” (1 Cor. 6:12). Fasting teaches you to control your feelings and body, it requires temporary abstinence from marital intimacy.

There are some ideal requirements of the Church Charter, which should define the specific path that each Christian family faces in order to fulfill them informally. The Charter presupposes abstinence from marital intimacy on the eve of Sunday (that is, Saturday evening), on the eve of the triumph of the twelfth feast and Lenten Wednesday and Friday (that is, Tuesday evening and Thursday evening), as well as during many days of fasting and fasting days - preparation for the reception of the Saints of Christ Mystery. This is the ideal norm. But in each specific case, the husband and wife must be guided by the words of the Apostle Paul: “Do not deviate from each other, except by agreement, for a while, for exercise in fasting and prayer, and then be together again, so that Satan does not tempt you with your intemperance. However, I said this as a permission, and not as a command” (1 Kor. 7, 5-6). This means that the family must grow to the day when the measure of abstinence taken by the spouses from bodily intimacy will in no way harm and reduce their love, and when all the fullness of family unity will be preserved even without props of physicality. And it is precisely this integrity of spiritual unity that can be continued in the Kingdom of Heaven. After all, from the earthly life of a person, that which is involved in eternity will be continued. It is clear that in the relationship of husband and wife, it is not carnal intimacy that is involved in eternity, but that which it serves as an aid to. In a secular, worldly family, as a rule, there is a catastrophic change of orientation, which cannot be allowed in a church family, when these props become the cornerstone.
Only moderation and abstinence, the spiritual and spiritual closeness of the spouses, the comprehensiveness of their love makes the moments of bodily fusion holy and joyful. It becomes the expression and deepest symbol of their mutual love and complete intimacy.
There is a saying "monasticism and marriage are not for everyone, but chastity is for everyone." One has only to comprehend the difference in the chastity of the abstinence of a monk and the chastity of the measured sexual life of a married layman. This difference is very significant. The life of spouses in complete abstinence, “like brother and sister,” is an exception to the rule. This feat is akin to foolishness; only a few can adequately pass it. And that is by the special will of God. Maria Pronina 01.01.2012