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Parents often swear and quarrel. What to do if parents argue: family relationships, the child’s reaction, rules of behavior in the family, advice and recommendations from a psychologist

Guide to action

1. This is exactly the first thing you should start with: allow yourself to feel how you feel. This is what they do with feelings - they feel them and accept them as they are. Just pay attention to what you feel, allow yourself to do so.

Sometimes you can change a feeling simply by recognizing that it is there - without even having to do anything about it.
2. Know firmly that you are not to blame. Your parents' relationship is their relationship. This means that only your parents are responsible for how they turn out. The child is never responsible for the sad events that happen to mom and dad. You have nothing to do with this.

3. Don't interfere. Precisely because you have nothing to do with your attempts to intervene, reconcile, reason, give useful advice, etc. at best they are absolutely useless, at worst they can cause a surge of aggression in your direction, you will find yourself “extreme”. As you know, in a fight, the one who separates gets the most.

4. Mind your own business. If you can find something to do, then you will be able to “kill two birds with one stone”: firstly, you will not get in the way of your parents’ feet, and secondly, any activity will help you express your feelings, feel calmer and more confident. You can draw a picture, turn on music, dance, go for a walk with your dog or friends - any activity that you like. You can simply write down what you feel on a piece of paper.

5. After a quarrel, let your parents “cool down”; do not fall under the hot hand. Sometimes it is better to avoid certain events and people. Your own affairs and activities will come in handy here too.

6. Maintain neutrality. It often happens that the scandal has subsided, but the parents still do not communicate. As you remember, whether they communicate with each other or not is their own business, and you try not to take the side of one of them. This will relieve you of feelings of guilt towards one of your parents. Although this is not easy, it is worth it, because if you enter into a conflict with one of them, you risk ruining your relationship with him for a long time.

8. Support your parents. Parents are living people who experience the same feelings as you, they also have a hard time, and they deserve your love. Tell them about your love, that they are dear to you, and perhaps it will become easier for them to live in the world. Remember that both parents need support: even if it seems to you that one is right and the other is wrong, both sides are always involved in the conflict.

9. Ask for help. Sometimes the quarrel passes and is forgotten, the parents make up and everything is fine - and this is absolutely normal, this is part of life. But it happens that quarrels come one after another, and it gets worse and worse, and very terrible things begin to happen - parents stop behaving as parents should. For example, they drink a lot, beat you or each other, maybe do something else that scares you. Remember that not a single child in the world can help in such a serious situation. In such cases, adults, and only adults, are needed. There are many adults around, specialists who know how to help you and your family. You can talk about what is happening with your grandmother, with your aunt, with your teacher, with a psychologist - the main thing is that you trust this person. In any case, you can always call a helpline or special help centers. And if there is even a small hope that the situation can be corrected, everything possible must be done for this.

Poor kids! If only parents understood how their children were suffering, if they could contain all the fear within themselves, they would never dare to quarrel in front of them!!... and indeed...

All you can do in this situation is plug your ears and go to another room or to a landing or street and wait. Never take fear into yourself!! You are not to blame for anything!! Better to wait it out.

Today we will talk about what to do if parents argue again.

Again the parents speak in a raised voice. You want to run away from home, just so as not to see how two people you care about are fighting. Every now and then the question arises in my head: “Why can’t they agree?” When you ask your mother, she hugs you, kisses the top of your head, and then looks away. Your father pats you on the shoulder and promises each time: “Everything will be fine, just be patient a little...”. But a day, a week passes, and the situation repeats itself.

Maybe your family used to be friendly, but quarrels began recently, which became an unpleasant surprise for you? How to solve this problem? How should you act in such a situation?

Imperfect Ideal

If you have a prosperous family, then, of course, you love both mom and dad equally - they are your ideal man and woman. But you are biased because of your love. Like other people, they have shortcomings and go through difficult periods in their lives. What can they argue about? parents? There are quite a lot of reasons:

Financial difficulties.
Trouble at work.
Mom and dad see the situation differently, etc.

You can find out why the world left your family on your own. You don't even have to pester your parents with questions. A diary will help. Every time parents start to quarrel, write down the reason. This will be useful to you, firstly, to understand what is happening, and secondly, to try to help them. How can you help? Very simple. For example, mother and father are too busy at work and there is no one to clean the floors. Surely you have more free time than they do. Why don't you take on some of their responsibilities by giving up the computer game? Surely you can look after your younger brother or sister, wash the dishes, wipe the dust, vacuum.

Even people who love each other sometimes fight.

How should you behave?

Even an adult present during a quarrel does not always know how to behave correctly. Your confusion is quite understandable. That's why read these tips, and try to be guided by them. Maybe they won't help improve the relationship between father and mother. But at least you won't make things worse.

Get rid of the guilt. Only parents bear responsibility for the situation and relationships as a whole.
Try your best don't get into an argument, because you risk getting an extra scolding. You still don’t have enough life experience and knowledge to give advice, separate, or reconcile. After a verbal altercation, let a little time pass for mom and dad to calm down.
Mind your own business during this time: go for a walk, listen to music, visit your grandparents (if you are already allowed to use public transport on your own). But if you went somewhere, be sure to say so or leave at least a note.
Don't try to be the judge, no matter how much you want it. Maintain neutrality so as not to feel guilty before one of your parents and not spoil your relationship with him. And under no circumstances pit one parent against the other. Imagine what they would think of you if they made up?
After the swearing subsides and some time has passed, what do you feel - fear, resentment, excitement... Do it without blaming anyone. It can be helpful to remind your parents that you still love them. Perhaps next time they will sort things out in your absence or come to some kind of compromise.
During a quarrel you may need help from other adults, whom you trust (uncles, aunts, grandparents and even the police). You should resort to it if something frightens you: your mother and father are fighting, they raised their hand against you. It is especially important to do this.

Make an experience

You've already heard the saying that a smart man learns from his own mistakes, and a wise man learns from the mistakes of others. Although family quarrels are unpleasant, they also provide invaluable life experience. Consider this another contribution of loving parents to your happy future. They provide you with the opportunity to observe, by example, family conflicts between spouses. Do you remember we talked about a diary in which you can write down the reasons for quarrels? Save this priceless document. Whatever books you read in the future, they will not replace your own experience. Perhaps you don't understand something right now. But time will pass, and you will be able to draw the right conclusions from what you saw and heard. Then the relationships in the family you created will develop according to the best scenario, because you will know: swearing and quarrels are a sure way to destroy everything.

Parents separated

It’s good when quarrels between parents subside as problems are resolved. Another job has been found, the family's income has increased, father and mother have sorted out household responsibilities (maybe not without your help), peace and quiet and God's grace are again in the family. But this doesn't always happen. Arguing can be a way of life for hot-tempered parents. Then you will have to come to terms with the fact that you will be periodically “stormed”. The outcome may be unfavorable– . Yes, this can happen for many reasons - love leaves, you have to experience unpleasant events that destroy relationships, disagreements appear that make further marital relationships impossible.

Life is truly a very complicated thing.

If this happens, immediately give up any illusions that the main people in your life will be together again. Surely the father and mother will begin to build new relationships with other partners. It's hard for you to accept. Talk about the problem with a psychologist– there is probably such a specialist in your school. A conversation is needed so that mental trauma does not affect you and destroy your future.

Support your parents!

Hatred towards your parents may arise in your soul. Try to overcome this feeling and expel it from your heart. Even though your father and mother are no longer together, they have not changed their attitude towards you. You are still important to them. Try to maintain relationships with everyone, because you need the support of both. By the way, about support. Not only you need it, but they also need it, especially if one of the parents has already managed to arrange their personal life, and the other has not. The father or mother alone experiences pain, disappointment, is in a state of depression, and they also feel very bad. Show your love, show you care.

If quarrels between parents become more frequent and stronger, gently hint them to contact a family psychologist.

Perhaps you are now the only person who is able to understand the full depth of their tragedy: your common world has collapsed. You are unlikely to be able to give practical advice, but listen and stay close– you are definitely capable of this. Have lunch together, go to the cinema, go for a walk, go hiking. Perhaps a sad face will one day be illuminated by a joyful and happy smile. Believe me, then you will be proud of yourself, because your merit will be in this too!

And finally: remember, parental divorce is a very sad event, but not the end of the world. Try to understand them, come to terms with them, and do not deny yourself and them the right to be happy. No matter what happens, life goes on. And she is truly beautiful (even if you don’t notice it yet).

Self-test questions

Why are your parents fighting?
Why shouldn't you blame yourself for parental quarrels?
What can you learn from their mistakes?

Action plan

When my parents start quarreling, I...
If my parents ask me to take sides in their dispute, I...

Not everyone is lucky enough to have a peaceful family with loving parents. In modern families, quarrels have already become commonplace. For some people, a quarrel is a certain way of living together, a method of solving problems, but the child does not understand this, he believes that the reason is in him and that he is bad. He feels defenseless and helpless, not knowing which side to take. If a teenager can somehow express a protest, then the kid is simply afraid when his parents shout, and it doesn’t matter at him or at one another. Children often have the question of how to reconcile their parents, and in some situations they actually manage to improve the family environment.

Causes of conflicts - why parents constantly fight:

Disrespect from a partner, actions and words that offend a person’s dignity, and mutual insults often become one of the reasons why parents quarrel. Quarrels will definitely arise in a couple where there is no trust, when one spouse tries to monitor the other, control his actions, and is jealous for no reason.
Lack of romance is also the reason why parents constantly fight. Usually at the beginning of a relationship there is romance, but then it gradually disappears. The husband stops caring for and paying attention to his wife, the wife stops flirting with her husband and taking care of herself.
Parents fight because reality in the family does not meet expectations. Many people have their own vision of life together, and when it goes against reality, quarrels arise. The reason for such quarrels can be a lack of care, tenderness, bad sex, etc.
Excessive demands from partners, as well as when spouses have different ideas about each other’s rights and responsibilities, contribute to mutual dissatisfaction and disappointment.
Quarrels can arise when the family has boring and monotonous leisure time. Day after day it’s the same thing, there are no bright emotions, variety, or new sensations. When spouses spend their holidays separately, it also causes scandals between them.

What to do if parents argue?

Don’t give up and don’t be discouraged, perhaps you will invent your own method to reconcile your parents. Peace to your family!

Hello dear readers. In this article we will look at a situation with parents when they constantly argue. You will become aware of the reasons why scandals may arise. Find out how to behave in such a situation. Also check out the tips for adults.

Possible reasons

Let's look at why parents argue and what can influence this.

Tired of each other. The adults have been living together for years; there are practically no common interests left. Reluctance to give in to one’s opinion and misunderstandings lead to constant conflicts.
Problems at work. A situation where a father or mother works “three jobs” and expresses their fatigue with irritation towards their significant other, and sometimes towards their children. If the spouse who stays at home with the children does not look after the household or take care of the kids, then the intensity of passions increases.
Jealousy. A situation when one of the parents begins to be jealous of the other, suggesting that the partner has an affair. Sometimes jealousy can be justified, sometimes in vain.
Cooling of relationships. A situation where there is no longer romance between parents, they have stopped caring for each other and showing tenderness.
Financial difficulties. Often quarrels arise on financial grounds when the family lacks money. For example, a mother may blame her father for his inability to provide for the family. A man can reproach a woman for sitting at home and not wanting to go to work when the family does not have enough money for a normal existence.
Different views on the process of raising children and on life in general. Adults can make trouble when their points of view do not coincide. However, they do not understand that they can compromise.
Tyranny in the family. Scandals can arise in situations where one parent tries to subjugate the other. This is mom and dad and a despot man and woman.
Living together for several generations under one roof can also lead to certain quarrels. For example, in a situation where the father of the family lives in the same apartment with his mother-in-law, he makes a scene for his wife, demanding that her mother leave their life.

Like everyone else, my parents quarreled from time to time, but it never escalated to fights or personal insults. Despite this, being present at the moment of their scandal in the apartment was unbearable, I went outside. They made up quickly enough. Then they asked for forgiveness for the fact that I had to see their quarrel.

What to do in such a situation

It is important to know how to behave if your parents argue.

The child should not get into trouble or get involved in their conflict. Do not forget that parents are now irritated and may say something that they would not say in a normal situation, due to a state of passion. It is best to leave the room in which mom and dad are quarreling.
The child should not listen closely to what is happening between adults, or try to hear every word in the conversation. It is better if he is able to put on headphones and somehow distract himself from what is happening. It is necessary to understand that a child cannot change what happens between adults. At such a moment, it is best to do something important for yourself, not to focus on the conflict between mom and dad, because this way the baby himself will begin to get nervous.
It is important to remain neutral. You should not take the side of one of the parents. Of course, the exception is situations when a man raises his hand against a woman.
The child can try to talk to adults, but only after the quarrel is over. Parents will cool down, and the baby will have the opportunity to express his point of view. The child must declare that he loves both mom and dad very much, that it is unbearable for him to listen to their scandals, he experiences fear and resentment at this moment.
Hold your parents. Perhaps the baby can help his mother around the house or support his father, pointing out how the family appreciates what he does.
In a situation where a quarrel is accompanied by a fight or drinking alcohol, the child needs to turn to his closest relatives or people he trusts for help.
It is unacceptable for a child to believe that he is the cause of conflict between adults. It is important to understand that the relationship between parents is only their relationship; it does not affect how mom and dad treat their offspring.
In no case should a child try to harm himself in order to reconcile his parents and try to attract their attention.
The kid should not feel sorry for himself, think that only in his family adults quarrel. You need to understand that this can sometimes happen, they are trying to understand each other and soon everything will work out.
It is important that a child, looking at his parents who are making a rude row or abusing alcohol or fighting, is able to protect himself from what he sees and does not take an example from them in the future.
Children should not wash their dirty laundry in public, telling everyone about the quarrels that happen in their home. The exception is communication with close relatives and scandals that threaten the life and health of family members.
If a child notices that during a conflict one of the parents may take out their anger on him, he should have time to hide, if possible, leave the apartment or house.
In some cases, it is impossible to do without family psychotherapy, but it is better if the parents are advised to see a specialist by one of their close relatives, and not by the child, who can get into trouble with his moral teachings.

You must learn not to swear in front of your child. Parents must understand the harm they can cause to the child’s psyche.
If quarrels happen, try to control yourself; you don’t need to go as far as insulting each other or mentioning your closest relatives in a bad way.
Don't remember past grievances. There is absolutely no need to stir up what is already in the past, and even in the presence of the baby. He shouldn't know about his parents' secrets at all.
If a quarrel happened in front of the toddler, then reconciliation should also take place in his presence.

Now you know what to do if scandals start between parents at home. Remember that it is important to identify what exactly pushes them to quarrels, what are the causes of conflicts. Do not forget that sometimes it is better not to interfere, and at times it is within the child’s power to protect the family from unnecessary quarrels. Remember that it is unacceptable for a child to take the side of one of the parents, as it is as if he is betraying the other.

Many people are probably familiar with this situation: your parents are quarreling, but you don’t know where to go, how to behave, you’re ready to fall into the ground...

It’s hard to bear when you become an involuntary observer of a quarrel, and much harder when your closest people quarrel.

The feelings that overwhelm you can be very different - this is the desire to reconcile them at all costs, and the powerlessness to do so; and pity for them (and sometimes for one of the parties), and for oneself at the same time; and pain for loved ones; this and anger at them - well, you can swear as much as you can, they really got enough! Or anger at one of the parents; and shame to watch them scream ugly. Perhaps this behavior of theirs frightens and worries you. A feeling of guilt may appear: “What if it’s because of me? Maybe I said or did something wrong?” What else? Maybe schadenfreude? (“Serves you right!”). Maybe tiredness? ("Well, the same thing again..."). Maybe just despair? (“Why is it like this in our family?”).

All these feelings can exist, you have every right to experience them, although it is not easy to experience them. Pain, despair, pity, powerlessness, anxiety, guilt, fear - and other, very different feelings are experienced by every person, and experiencing them to the fullest makes us alive. “Feelings are all good,” you say. “But what should I do?”

Guide to action

And the most important thing

Remember that things happen differently in your family! Even though things look pretty bleak right now, there are times when everything is very good and you all love each other. Such behavior of your parents does not mean that someone is a bad person and will always be so - we are just all human, and we cannot be perfect. All adults suffered in one way or another in childhood, and they also hated the quarrels of their parents... We all make mistakes sometimes, and you, and your parents, and that's all. People try to become much better, but no one can become perfect. The most important thing you need to remember on this path is that in any case you are worthy of love and joy in this life, that you are absolutely a unique person, unlike everyone else.

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