How can I come to terms with the fact that I am a woman? Memento mori: how to come to terms with the fact that everyone you love will die.

In my youth and youth, I considered myself a fairly significant person. I won the city mathematical Olympiads and therefore considered myself one of the smartest people modernity. I had been wrestling for many years, so I thought I could be rude to strangers. And when I discovered the beginnings of literary talent, I decided that I had the right to any failures and mistakes in other areas of life - my immortal creativity would redeem everything.

At the same time, I was a rather unhappy person. I was constantly dissatisfied with myself and the people around me, even with the weather and things. I often hit things and cursed myself with cruel words. Good mood was a very rare guest, and any trifle could scare him away. Relations with humanity were tense.

Years passed, which brought many unpleasant discoveries. Mathematical Olympiads of higher rank showed that there are many people who are noticeably smarter than me. Some situations on the street convinced me that I rarely can solve a situation with force, and in general, strength is not in techniques and muscles. And the most unpleasant discovery was that my gift of words is much lower than that of Gogol, and the size of my soul is much less than that of Dostoevsky, and therefore humanity will not lose anything from the fact that I will not write. Several more years passed until I experienced these discoveries, came to terms with a new vision of myself, found new goals and meaning in life, quite ordinary, ordinary ones.

Now I am not upset by any weather. I am never angry at things or at myself. And if I happen to reproach myself, there are harmless words for this. Relations with humanity have warmed. There is practically no bad mood, and when he comes to visit, I shoo him away in no time. In general, there is no trace of the former despondency.

Why did I share my painful situation with you? So that we can answer the question together: is it a coincidence that as self-esteem and ambition decrease, despondency goes away, and a person comes into a state of harmony with himself and the world around him?

No, not by chance. Before we explain this in more detail and come up with a recipe for overcoming depression, let’s say that we are not talking about just any depression. Approximately 20% of depressions have physiological reasons or, by at least, physiology is closely involved in the mechanism of depression. This same conversation is about depression, the causes of which are spiritual in nature. Such depression can be called chronic despondency and despair.

So, such depression always has a reason. This reason lies not in external circumstances, but in the human soul. More precisely, in one very specific quality. This quality is called pride.

My statement will seem surprising, since we are accustomed to consider pride one of the virtues of a person. We remember well the phrases: “noble pride”, “don’t you have any pride at all?”, “a person should have pride.”

Let us answer immediately and decisively: there is no “noble pride”. And a person should not have pride if he does not want to be unhappy, hated by people, and perhaps even go to the point of suicide.

That bright and noble thing that we sometimes confuse with pride is human dignity - the consciousness of the high dignity of what is inherent in us as in every person. This is certainly a kind and very necessary quality. But pride is something completely different. If dignity says: “I am as divine as other people,” then pride whispers: “I am better than others and deserve more than many.”

Before the 1917 revolution, everyone knew what a disaster this very pride was. But the leaders of the communists set themselves the task of making the people of Russia unhappy and powerless, for this they tried to turn vital things upside down. This is how the hitherto unknown “noble pride”, “noble rage” and other similar absurd slogans were born. During Soviet power The false nobility of pride has become so ingrained in the minds that in order to avoid confusion in modern spiritual literature, a not so slandered synonym is often used to denote pride - pride.

So what is pride, it is arrogance, and why does it lead to despondency, and sometimes even lead to suicide?

Anatomy of pride

The story of the appearance of pride in the world is as follows.

In the world created by God there was no evil, only good. And since one of the properties of good is freedom (otherwise, what kind of good would it be if it were not created by free will?), the angels also had this freedom. And one day the greatest of the angels - Dennitsa - decided that being an angel was not enough for him, decided to become equal to God and rebelled against the Creator. Some of the angels followed him. Now we know the former Dennitsa under the name of Satan, and fallen angels like demons. They strive, through lies, to bring people into the same unhappy state in which they themselves find themselves. By deception, Satan persuaded Adam and Eve to disobey God, and the first people, having left God, naturally left heaven.

Pride is the unwillingness to come to terms with what you have and thank God for everything. It was this evil passion that turned the sparkling Dennitsa into a dark Satan, cast some of the angels into hell, expelled people from paradise and became the cause of all the current torment of humanity, all the pain of all people from Adam to you. And pride has a direct bearing on the pain of every person.

Let's take a closer look at what our pride does to us.

I think everyone has heard the well-known wisdom: “happy is not the one who has everything he wants, but the one who is satisfied with what he has.” We have heard, we have heard, and we agree that this is truly a formula for happiness. But she doesn't help us. We can't be happy with what we have. Why doesn't it work? Because pride gets in the way.

Pride tells us: “This one and that one have this and that, but why are you worse? Poor, unfortunate, how unfair life is to you! Why did this God, if he exists, deal with you so cruelly?”

Thus, pride entails such feelings and actions as envy, grumbling at fate, and self-pity. Agree that these are rather unpleasant, painful feelings. Naturally, a person tries to get rid of the pain caused by these feelings. But how?

Instead of influencing directly his feelings, his soul, removing from himself the root of his troubles - pride, a person seeks relief in satisfying his pride, that is, in order to “improve” his situation, which pride is dissatisfied with. The man is happy, his pride is dissatisfied!

Adam's first sons were Cain and Abel. Abel was a kind person and his sacrifices were pleasing to God. Evil Cain was tormented by envy. Cain could calm his heart by defeating pride by trusting in God: “Since God shows that Abel’s actions are more pleasing to him, it means they really are better. I will humble myself and endure my share.” But Cain acted differently: tormented by envy, he killed his brother Abel. Did Cain feel better after this, did his pride calm down? Of course not. He had to flee with his wife from his parents to another land, but where could he run away from the torment of his conscience?

You and I did not kill our brothers. But tormented by our pride, we act as unreasonably as Cain: we do not fight the cause of our suffering - pride, we dream of satisfying pride with sacrifices.

“Why do others already have boyfriends (girlfriends), but you don’t yet? The worse you are, you don’t even have anything to brag about to your friends!” - pride whispers to us, and we commit the sin of fornication, which in no way increases our happiness, quite the opposite.

“Why do they have money and what they buy with it, but you don’t, poor thing!” - pride torments us. And we commit dishonest acts in order to enrich ourselves, or instead of a profession we like, we choose a more profitable profession. Does this make us happier? No one has ever found happiness by losing themselves.

“Yes, they do bad things (steal, take drugs), but why is it possible for them, but not for you?” - asks pride. And we, following a bad example, become more unhappy.

“Why does she have such good husband, and I have no one? I want this husband! - pride whispers to the woman, and she rushes to beat off someone else’s husband. If it works out, you won't envy her. And if it doesn’t work out, too.

“You are worthy of the love and reverence of the masses,” says pride, and a person without talent climbs onto the stage, to the ridicule of experts and history.

“You are worthy of power,” lies pride, and a person who does not know how to manage himself rushes into politics to manage millions.

Pride makes any attempt to endure anything painful: “Why should you, so good, so great, have to endure this? Where did this pain even come from? It was not at all part of our plans. We planned great path continuous success, victories and pleasures. No, it's simply unbearable! I don’t want to put up with this!”

“The doctors say it’s bad for me to drink. But I want! Others can do it, but what’s worse about me?” - a person hears the voice of pride and after a while dies of cirrhosis.

Yes, all these “I want” and “I don’t want” are used very cleverly by pride against us. She always wants what is not there, and does not want what is.

So we fall lower and lower. We lose joy, we lose ourselves. We inevitably encounter situations where even our willingness to throw anything at the black altar of insatiable pride does not help us. Love, conscience, honor, friendship have already been abandoned, but this is not enough for pride. It puts us in situations where we are simply powerless to do anything. She torments us with the rejection of our parents - but we are powerless to change them. She torments us with the desire to win the love of some person or group of people - but love can only be won by love, and we have no love, because where pride is strong, there is evil, and love does not live there.

There are many situations when we cannot do anything. And then we fall into despondency, like a plane in a tailspin. We are skidding like a bulldozer running into a granite rock. Depression begins.

Meanwhile, the founder of pride - Satan - is not idle. It was he who gave us those thoughts that, together with the pride inherited from our ancestors, brought us to such a deplorable state. But this torment is not the limit of Satan’s desires. His goal is to drive us to suicide, so that the highest creation of God, possessing divine dignity, created for heaven, for joy, ends up in hell with the traitor - the former Dennitsa.

We have been led enough by those who wish us harm. Enough! Stop fighting with windmills and conquering ghost countries. Let's finally get to the real solution to our problems and turn our weapons against the root of all ills - pride.

The Power of Humility

The opposite quality of pride is humility. It is this that is the most powerful “antidepressant” in case of depression and despondency.

Humility, only at the first, very inattentive glance, may seem something unattractive, similar to weakness. This is wrong. There is strength in humility. To humble yourself, you need to apply force. And when a person humbles himself, he becomes even stronger.

I remember at one of my jobs I complained to my boss that I, a small boss, had to endure a lot from my colleagues and subordinates. Her answer then surprised me: “The higher you rise, the more you have to endure!” I took a closer look and saw that, indeed, the higher the place, the more difficulties a person has. And you need a lot of humility in order to successfully manage yourself and people, while avoiding destructive emotions. Russian proverbs say the same thing: “If you don’t bow to the ground, you won’t raise a mushroom,” “Live more humble, it will be more profitable,” “Live more humble, you will be nicer to everyone.”

Now my former boss heads one of the largest industrial companies in Russia. Although she is not yet forty, her annual salary is in the millions of dollars. I think this is not the end of her career.

What does a proud person achieve in work? Proud means touchy. And it’s not without reason that the proverb says: “They carry water for the offended.” A proud person loses twice - and his work is always the hardest and lowest paid, and even the resentment always tears at his soul.

Let's look at the combat situation in a war or on the streets of Russian cities, where the situation is getting closer to war. The winner is not the fighter who loudly shouts, swears and falls into anger after the first swear word addressed to him, but the one who calmly ignores all the swearing and acts when he sees fit.

The same in personal relationships, even in personal ones especially. A proud person cannot get along with anyone at all. And a humble person preserves not only the external side of the relationship, he preserves in himself and in the other person the very essence of the relationship - love.

A proud man is like a puddle: throw a stone into it and it will splash all over, splashing those around you with mud. And a humble person is like the sea: it will swallow up any stone without a trace, and even circles on the water will not go.

It is the proverb that laughs at the anger of a proud man: “Thunder thunder does not come from a cloud, but from a dung heap.” Humility and meekness, on the contrary, are held in high esteem: “He who overcomes his anger becomes strong,” “The master of his anger is the master of everything,” “It is better to endure yourself than to offend others.”

Nothing can upset a humble person; he is always ready for anything, takes everything for granted. The Monk Ephraim the Syrian says: “The meek, taking upon himself all the blows, remains firm; during a quarrel he is calm, in submission he is cheerful, he is not hurt by pride, he rejoices in humiliation, he is not exalted in his merits, he is not arrogant, he lives in peace with everyone.” Not only does he have depression, he even bad mood can not be. “A humble man lives on earth as in the Kingdom of Heaven, is always cheerful and calm, and is satisfied with everything,” - St. Anthony of Optina.

How to learn humility

How can you overcome pride and develop humility?

First, you need to understand one important law life: there are no accidents. Everything that happens to us, literally everything, no matter how small or great, is a consequence of our life up to this moment and is aimed at our good.

“Everything that is done is for the better,” is one of the sides of this law.

In the Gospel there are amazing words of Christ addressed to people: “Are not five small birds sold for two assars? and not one of them is forgotten by God. And even the hairs on your head are all numbered. So do not be afraid: you are worth more than many small birds.”

In the Bible, God tells people about his care for us: “Shall a woman forget her suckling child, lest she have compassion on the son of her womb? But even if she forgot, I will not forget you” (Is. 49:15). The proverb says the same thing: “No father is to his children, as God is to his people.”

We only need to rejoice in this, since we are God’s beloved creations, and everything He does is aimed at our good. What if everything external influences are aimed at us for our good, then how can something happen that we should be upset about?

No! Nothing like this can happen to us.

But why then do all sorts of troubles and misfortunes happen to us?

If we believe pride, which tells us that we are the greatest and most beautiful, we will never understand the causes of troubles. But the look of pride is false, false. A sober, honest look is a look of humility.

Humility tells us that we, like everyone else, have many shortcomings. We will be better off the less of these shortcomings we have, the more perfect we become.

This is exactly what the Lord wants us to do, allowing us all these troubles. It is “allowing”, not “sending”. Because the real reason misfortunes are our previous life and our shortcomings.

How are our shortcomings related to these troubles and how do these troubles help us improve? Let's look at a few typical examples.

The first plot. The man was cruel in his youth. He often caused mental and even physical pain to loved ones. One day he was severely beaten on the street and his spine was broken. He spent about a year in the hospital and endured a lot. He could have become bitter towards fate and people, but he understood everything correctly, rethought it and, having experienced suffering, became more compassionate and careful towards people.

The second plot. The girl often changed men. In the end, she married a man whom she stole from someone else's family. A few years later he left her for a younger woman. She went through a very difficult period in her life. She could have become embittered towards her husband and fate, but she managed to accept this as a result of her previous mistakes. She repented of them and began to live chastely, waiting for truly her man.

The third plot. The man was extremely greedy for money. He valued money not only above honor, but even above love. He directed all his strength, all his mind towards getting rich. But for some reason he was worse at it than those who had less greed. All his enterprises sooner or later failed, barely approaching success. He could have spent his whole life on this crazy race, but after another crash, he managed to come to terms with the fact that he would not become rich. And I became much happier. And then the money came. Sami.

In the third plot, the goal could not be money, but fame, power, or the opportunity to realize one’s talent for one’s own personal purposes. There is only one result.

The fourth plot. The man was born disabled. He could only move wheelchair. He heard wonderful stories about how healthy beautiful girls fell in love with disabled people and married them, after which they literally and figuratively carried them in their arms all their lives. Years passed, he looked for such a girl, but did not find him. Dreams melted away. He could fall into despair, drink himself to death or commit suicide. But he was able to accept his fate. Instead of the love of a girl, he found the love of God. And his soul became beautiful. Life remained outwardly meager, but inwardly it became joyful. Later he realized that external ugliness was a means of decorating his soul, which was too proud and therefore could not love. This ugliness cured him of pride and made him happy. If he had been born healthy, then as a result of the progression of pride, he would have committed suicide at the age of 15.

I hope you noticed that in each story, at a critical moment, a person had a choice - to become even more embittered or to reconcile. It is very important! We are free people and always choose between evil and good. No misfortune in itself will make us better if we ourselves do not apply our minds and efforts.

But even if we understand everything and want to come to terms, we may not have enough to do so. own strength. Or rather, it probably won’t be enough. Because pride is promoted by the power of the enemy, the power of evil spirits. And in order to defeat it, we need the opposite - Divine power. She is always ready to come to our aid. “God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble.”

No good deed can be accomplished successfully if one acts lazily or thoughtlessly. The work on oneself that we are talking about must be done thoughtfully.

The operating principle is simple. We should always do the opposite of what pride wants us to do. As a rule, she wants us to grumble about God, despondency, and angry feelings towards other people. The opposite will be gratitude to God, joy, good deeds towards those with whom we want to be angry.

The essence of humility is expressed in a short prayer: “Glory to God!” or “Thank God for everything!” Therefore, when we want to destroy, break, cry, fight, and the like, we will instead, in defiance of our pride, say: “Glory to God for everything!” Thus, we will apply our will in defiance of pride, and call upon God’s power to help.

You can start small. We all have small mistakes when something falls out of our hands, or we hit something, or we find that we have forgotten or lost something. Usually in such situations a proud person swears. Let us accustom ourselves at such moments to say, instead of swearing: “Glory to God!”

It's not difficult at all. And a miracle will happen - after a few months you will see that such little things no longer upset you at all, you maintain a peaceful mood. This is the beginning of humility.

With the weapon of grateful prayer you can overcome any misfortune, any sorrow.

As for some of our global plans, desires, dreams, it will be much better for us if we simply have a realistic, sober approach to all this.

Let's say a commander draws up a battle plan. He has an accurate plan of the area, an accurate knowledge of his forces and their disposition, and a fairly accurate knowledge of the enemy’s forces. With all this knowledge, as well as knowledge of military tactics, the commander can draw up a battle plan that will bring victory.

Now let's look at ourselves. Do we know ourselves well - our good and evil qualities, our maximum capabilities, all our talents? Do we understand how our desires correspond to our real needs? How much do we know about the laws of life? How well are we familiar with the forces that oppose us, seek to torment us and drive us to suicide? If you are fully informed on all these issues, then you have good chances make a plan that will come true.

But the problem is that this is unlikely to be the case. After all, we are blinded by pride and have little interest in what really matters in this battle. Therefore, our dreams have little chance of coming true. “God grant that our calf may eat the wolf.”

These are the plans of the commander, in front of whom is a map of the plain, although in reality he will have to fight in the mountains; His idea of ​​his own strength is exaggerated, and that of the enemy is greatly underestimated. And he doesn’t know that he can call for help from an ally, whose powerful army is half an hour away, just waiting for a signal.

Let's not waste energy on making stupid, unrealistic plans that will certainly collapse! What will seem like a victory to us until the last moment will certainly turn out to be a defeat. Let's try to better understand the plans that that Ally has about us, who knows everything, has the most accurate maps, and whose army is invulnerable and invincible.

The Apostle James said: “Now listen to you who say: “Today or tomorrow we will go to such and such a city, and we will live there for one year, and we will trade and make a profit”; you who do not know what will happen tomorrow: for what is your life? steam that appears for a short time and then disappears. Instead of saying: “If the Lord wills and we live, we will do both,” you, in your arrogance, become vain: all such vanity is evil.”

Book of Proverbs: “There are many plans in the heart of man, but only what the Lord has determined will come to pass.”

Russian proverbs say the same thing: “Everything in the world is created not by our minds, but by God’s judgment,” “You can’t make money with your sinews, what God won’t give,” “You can’t take it from God by force,” “Man is one way, but God is another,” “You are for the worse, but God is for the better”, “Don’t live as you want, but as God commands”, “Without God you can’t reach the threshold.”

You will certainly have success in life, you will achieve goals, you will have happiness. But all this will happen only when you begin to coordinate your goals and actions with God’s will. Whether you like it or not, this is how it is. King David, who defeated the hero Goliath and from a simple shepherd became the greatest king of powerful, invincible Israel, knew what he was saying when he said: “Commit your way to the Lord and trust in Him, and He will perfect and bring forth your righteousness and your justice is like the noonday. Submit to the Lord and trust in Him. Do not be jealous of the one who succeeds in his way, the wicked man. Stop being angry and leave rage; Do not be so jealous as to do evil, for those who do evil will be destroyed, but those who trust in the Lord will inherit the earth.” David spoke from experience. A more success It is impossible to achieve anything better than his.

But before we rush to the top, we need to come to terms with what we have.

Yes, you may have no strength as a result of depression. But the forces you need are there. God has them. And He will be glad to give them to you. He wants it.

Just stop slandering Him, complaining and grumbling. Ask Him for forgiveness for all your murmuring and trust Him, and come under the protection of the Father so that He will heal your wounds.

Christ has it in his bosom - good.