Strong feelings of jealousy. Psychological analysis of love: jealousy, aggression, gaslighting

Today I will tell how to get rid of jealousy against your husband, wife, parents, children or friends. Why are people jealous of their husbands to their girlfriends? Your wives to unknown men? Your parents to other children? Where does jealousy come from?

Reasons for jealousy:

• First, jealousy comes from fear. Fear of losing what you love.
• Secondly, it grows out of self-doubt, in one's own (other, child, anyone). Uncertainty that the partner loves you and will not prefer you to another person who will be better than you.
• Thirdly, jealousy is the result of a possessive attitude towards your partner. Desires to have a monopoly on his personal life, to interfere in all his affairs.
• Fourthly, this quality can grow from any other complexes and fears.

What did we not see in the list of reasons for jealousy? Love! Jealousy does not stem from love, its basis is fear. Constant outbursts of jealousy only interfere with love and turn relationships into a series of suffering and distrust.

How to overcome jealousy? How to eliminate the causes of this feeling?

1. Get rid of everything that does not serve your love.

During jealousy attacks, many people play spy games. They constantly check outgoing calls on the spouse’s phone, try to catch the smell of perfume from his jacket, call him every hour to make sure that he has met with his friends and is not visiting his mistress, forbid him to communicate with members of the opposite sex, etc. .d. In short, they keep their partner on a short leash. At the same time, they do not even think about where this feeling leads them.

Subconsciously, people may feel that they are solving some problem that serves the interests of a healthy relationship. After all, spouses should love each other, should not cheat with other women and men, they think. And so they need to constantly be confident in the fidelity of their partner and do everything to feed this confidence, even if it causes a wave of distrust, negative emotions and quarrels for empty reasons. Thus, jealousy gets the green light.

People are used to the fact that love and jealousy go hand in hand, and many of them have learned to put up with the fact that jealousy has become a full participant in their relationship.

But in fact, the paranoia that appears on the basis of jealousy does not at all serve the goals of love and a harmonious life together, but only poisons love. Jealousy, as well as actions caused by jealousy, do not solve problems, but create them.

Think about what your endless outbursts of jealousy will lead to? You are so afraid of lies, but you yourself envelop your relationship with an atmosphere of distrust. You are so afraid of losing your partner, but at the same time, you try to control his every step, blame him, create prohibitions, swear, scream, suspect ...

Does this set the stage for close, trusting, healthy, and lasting relationships? The irony of jealousy (and indeed of many other feelings based on fear) is that because of your fear, you only bring closer what you are so afraid of! Distrust and paranoia ultimately make relationships more fragile and alienate you from your partner.

The next time you get jealous and feel like yelling at your husband or checking his phone, ask yourself how these actions can help your relationship? How will this help your love? How can this prevent the things (losing a partner, breaking up a relationship) that you are so afraid of from appearing?

If your answer to all three questions is “No” or “It will only get in the way”, then give your jealousy a red color.

This alone, of course, will not help you completely get rid of this feeling. But, the first step towards getting rid of negative emotions is the realization that you do not need these emotions, that they only interfere with you.

Rid your relationship of what does not serve the interests of love!

2. Eliminate your fears

Of what we are afraid, we naturally do not want to think. For example: “What if I lose my job? I don't even want to think about it!" Strange as it may sound, but our fears have power over us precisely because we do not want to think about what will happen when the fear comes true.

Of course, you will disagree with me and object: “No matter how it is! I constantly think about what I'm afraid of. I imagine how bad it will be for me when my loved one leaves me, and what terrible feelings I will experience.”

But you don't think about what will happen next. You only think about negative emotions at the moment of the realization of your fear. Try to mentally go beyond this limit, even if you yourself do not want to think about the future.

Think: “What will happen a year after our breakup? What will happen in five years. The first few months must be tough for me. But then I'll start to come to my senses little by little. After some time, I will have a new relationship, maybe they will be even better than these.

(This is by no means the best scenario! Perhaps your relationship will live even after infidelity! I will talk about this in the last paragraph of this article.)

Not as scary as you thought at the beginning, is it? Be realistic! Try to run these pictures in your mind. Think about how you will get out of this situation, how you will continue to live, and not about how bad it will be for you at the moment your fear is fulfilled!

Don't get too attached to what you have. At the moment, it may seem to you that the relationship with this person is the most important thing in your life. But, this is partly an illusion and a deception. It is difficult for people to think in the perspective of their whole life, and they sometimes greatly overestimate the role of what they have now.

This idea may not be entirely intuitive. You ask me: “how is it not worth getting strongly attached to something? I am attached to what I love: to my children, to my family, to my work, to my goal. This is the basis of my existence! Are you suggesting that I become indifferent to the things I love?”

No, I suggest only to stop experiencing painful attachment, which brings nothing but suffering and fear.

If you love your husband very much, but constantly live in fear that your relationship may end, are you happy? Do you get satisfaction from such relationships? Don't think. The fear of losing those relationships in the future makes you unhappy. But the fact that you have them in the present does not make you happy, because you are constantly afraid and only think about the future!

Strong attachments give rise to fear of loss. And the fear of loss prevents you from enjoying the present moment.

Not having strong affection does not mean not loving. Not being strongly attached means being more relaxed about the fact that nothing lasts forever, being more realistic. Be ready for anything. And be able to enjoy what you have now.

3. Stop comparing

“What if he finds a more worthy woman than me, smarter, more beautiful!”

“There are so many men around her who are more beautiful and successful than me, there is no chance that our relationship can last.”

These disturbing thoughts are familiar to many. You start comparing yourself to other members of your gender, and you become overwhelmed by the fear of competition. But men and women are not some goods in the love market!

Relations between people are not always similar to commodity-money relations, within which preferences are formed solely on the basis of the properties of the “commodity”: attractiveness, success, intelligence, etc. Rather, it is more like the attitude of the owner of capital, in fact, to capital. This is also not the best analogy, but closer.

I mean, your relationship now is not the same as it was when it first started. Maybe when you first met your partner, you were connected only by mutual attraction.

But, in the course of the development of relations, a certain “capital” is formed, something more than just attraction and passion, enhanced by external attractiveness and success. This capital is accumulated over the years, as both subjects of relations understand each other more and more deeply, as they jointly find solutions to their problems and draw conclusions from their mistakes, as they overcome another difficulty that has arisen in their path ...

And this capital is too valuable. It cannot be easily exchanged for something else. In short, your partner loves you not only for your qualities, but for everything that you had with him. Or maybe he loves you for something else that you yourself do not know. And this is what allows you to prefer more successful and attractive people.

“Good,” you say. “What if our relationship is not like “building joint moral capital”. They just crumble. I don't think there's anything between us anymore."

Then move on to the next item.

4. Improve your relationship

Spend more time with your partner. Find out his desires. Show him care and trust. Try to work together to solve family problems. Talk about your difficulties. Become more attractive to each other. Bring variety. And develop your relationship without stopping there!

I'm not going to give detailed instructions here on how to improve relationships. This will be the topic of a separate article. What I want to say here is that the fidelity of the spouses to each other is not a derivative of surveillance, suspicion and distrust. It is the result of a strong, reliable, satisfying relationship.

If in the course of your surveillance of your husband you do not find any evidence of infidelity, then this will not help eliminate your jealousy, after a while it will flare up again. But when you become more confident in your relationship, when you and your partner surround each other with trust, only then will you have less reason to be jealous.

In order to eliminate the very feeling of jealousy, as well as the reasons for its occurrence (treason), you need to strive to develop relationships, and not turn them into a spy novel and a soap opera at the same time!

Recently I have been thinking about why total state control is present, as a rule, in underdeveloped countries. It seems to me that this is due to the fact that countries with great economic problems have only one way to instill patriotism and keep their residents inside the country. This way, to lie, organize surveillance and create prohibitions, including a ban on leaving the country. The love and devotion of the inhabitants of this country to the state is based on fear and deceit.

But states with good economies and social conditions do not need to resort to dictatorship. A person will not flee this country if given the opportunity. Because he loves his state, because it provides its residents with good living conditions and takes care of them. Nobody forces him to love. Therefore, this feeling arises sincerely.

You can easily apply this analogy to your relationships. It is necessary to create an atmosphere of love and trust in your family, to accumulate joint “love capital” and thereby reduce the risk of “emigration of your spouse” to another family. It's better than doing it through bans and surveillance.

5. Curb your imagination

Your husband is late at work. And now pictures are already coming to your mind in which he has fun with other women. But do not rush to let your imagination go ahead. If you keep imagining it, then it will be difficult for you to get out of these thoughts and listen to reasonable arguments when they come to your mind.

These fantasies deprive you of the possibility of a sober assessment of the situation. Therefore, if you notice bouts of paranoia because of your partner’s betrayal, then make it a rule: “ first thought is the wrong thought until she proves otherwise.

It can be said presumption of guilt impulsive thoughts. This principle helps me a lot to cope with many emotions and see the situation as it is, and not as my momentary feelings try to present it.

So put all these fantasies out of your head for a while. You will pay attention to them later. To start, . Anyway, as long as you are covered by anxiety and anxiety, nothing worthwhile will come to your mind.

So shift your attention to something else. Don't let him get "bogged down" in these fantasies. Start thinking about the problem only when you realize that you have calmed down and your anxiety does not attract all your thoughts to their "negative pole". Then you can assess the situation soberly. Maybe you will realize that your fears were unfounded. But perhaps they will be confirmed. But before you think about it, you should calmly analyze the situation in reality, and not get carried away by your fantasies.

6. Stop living only your partner's life.

Often the reason for jealousy is the fixation of one of the partners on the life of the other. It happens that this happens for the reason that one of the partners does not have their own personal interests and their own personal life. And he has no choice but to live the life of another.

This applies not only to jealousy, but also to excessive control by parents (usually mothers) in relation to children. Understand that your control, your anxiety, your endless interference in someone's life will not make you or the person whose life you interfere in happy!

To avoid this, add some variety to your life. and your passion. In no case should this be an excuse for you to ignore your partner or child because of your new hobbies. Not at all! Let this be a reason for you to understand that there is more to life than your husband or your children.

At the same time, allow your partner (or son, daughter) to live some other life than family. Leave him space to communicate with friends, colleagues and even people of the opposite sex! Show your partner that you trust him, give him some freedom, do not try to explore every inch of his life and do not squeeze it in the grip of control.

It will also help you become less attached to your relationship, as you will have something else! Therefore, you will be less afraid of loss and suffer less!

7. Do the opposite

Do the opposite of what jealousy pushes you to do. If you see your wife talking to a man you don't know at a party, instead of glaring at that person and then making a scene with your wife, come over and politely introduce yourself to this man! Maybe you will find out that this is just a work colleague whom your wife met and whom she simply could not pass by for reasons of tact. And you will understand how your jealousy was absurd.

8. Be honest! Don't play games

Drop all those spy games and hidden doubts! If something is bothering you, ask your partner directly! Just don't do it in the form of a scandal! Calmly state all your suspicions and see what he says.

But, before talking about this with a partner, it would not hurt you to assess for yourself how your suspicions are justified.

After all, many people play a “hidden game” and act on the sly only because they subconsciously understand that all their doubts are absurd and ridiculous and it would be ridiculous to talk about their paranoia to another.

Therefore, preparing for such a conversation will help you not only be direct about your concerns and reach a new level of trust (if you understand that the conversation should take place), but also check whether your fears are real or just the result of an unbridled fantasy.

9. Trust your partner

I have already spoken about trust more than once in this article, but I consider this issue to be quite important, so I am taking it out as part of a separate paragraph. Trust is essential for a healthy and strong relationship. Think about it, do you have a reason not to trust your partner?

I'm not saying that no one has such a reason. But it often happens that we begin to suspect our partner, not because he did not justify our trust, but only because we ourselves experience fear and self-doubt. Jealousy, in this case, is not based on anything in reality, but stems only from our personal feelings.

Why not try to trust your partner then? Stop seeing deception in his every word and discard your endless suspicions. Of course, suspicions are not always unfounded. But try to believe your soulmate and not suspect him of something bad for at least a month, no matter how he behaves and no matter what he does.

If your fears remain with you, then you probably need to change something in your relationship. But, it is quite possible that you will understand how ridiculous your fears were and see how believing in your partner transforms your relationship and makes you happier. And you want to stay with that trust forever...

10. Be willing to forgive

I do not want people to take some of my advice as a way to come to terms with obvious problems in the family and get rid of jealousy, for which there is a reason. Maybe everything is really not so smooth for you and your partner is systematically cheating on you. And it is not your paranoia and fear that tells you, but established facts. (It's hard to deny this when your husband is always going missing, arriving late at night and smelling of perfume.)

In this case, it is better not to deny the obvious things, not to suppress the attacks of jealousy in yourself, and try to do something with your relationship. I have always been a proponent of trying to make amends for what happened, to forgive the person and start over before taking drastic action. This is what I advise you.

Cheating is not always an indicator of your spouse's or your spouse's lack of love for you. Sometimes people cheat, simply because they are not sexually restrained, but continue to love you. Sometimes they do it because their ego craves new victories on the love front, but at the same time they continue to love you. Sometimes this happens because a person gives in to affect, but continues to love you. Sometimes this is a consequence of a momentary weakness of a person, his mistake, for which he can be forgiven.

Cheating is not as scary as your fantasy and your feelings draw it to you. But if this happened, be ready to endure it together, and live on. This is not the end of life.

If you know that you are able to forgive a person. That they are able to trust him again, after all his actions. That cheating won't be the end of your relationship. That you can together change and improve your life together, preventing the recurrence of such cases in the future. Then you won't be so afraid of it. Then you will have much less reason to be jealous!

But this requires the trust of both spouses. And their desire to develop relationships!

Sometimes, due to strong sympathy and love for a particular object, feelings of jealousy may also arise. This is a rather negatively colored emotion, which is often provoked by a decline in attention from a loved one, a lack of communication with him, a change in relationships, and a lack of respect from a partner. From the point of view of psychologists, one should not distinguish jealousy as a strictly defined phenomenon, but consider it as a tendency to chronic, constant jealousy.

That is, in psychology, it is understood as a character trait, more often of a negative connotation, which can be equated with a painful condition that cannot be controlled by the individual himself. If the beloved is just an object of sighing, and there is no reciprocal love with relationships as such, jealousy is in many ways similar to envy of someone else's happiness.

Causes of jealousy

It should be understood that the main feature of the feeling of jealousy is the imaginary conviction of the individual that he has some right to possess the object of love as some kind of property. The very feeling of discontent, which is jealousy as such, develops when this imaginary belief, which is initially erroneous and even inconsistent with the object of sympathy, is threatened or subjected to "outrage" by another person.

Why is this trait serious enough, or even somewhat dangerous? For any person. Especially in certain periods of life and growing up, it is very important to be close to those to whom you feel passionate sympathy and from whom you receive love and care. Such warm feelings towards someone are not always sincere and mutual, therefore, when someone receives the love of the person we desire, such a turn of events can literally infuriate.

A person, being possessed by jealousy, bordering on envy, does not control himself well. There are many cases when, in this state, unfortunate lovers committed various impulsive acts, which sometimes had a very deplorable ending. Of course, this is most often found among teenagers, young people and people in love, but this is not alien to adult experienced men and women.

In fact, we can encounter jealousy already in childhood. Of course, at such a young age, the manifestation of such experiences has its own specific coloring, and it is not so bright, but it is no less important. The reasons for the appearance of jealousy in a baby are often quite simple and primitive. At his age, love, attention and care from parents is very important, so he often worries or even resents if someone takes away his personal mom and dad from him.

It is especially painful and difficult for children to endure the appearance of another child in the family. Of course, the situation is even more aggravated when it comes to the birth of a younger brother or sister. Adults, in fact, are forced to literally dance around the newborn, give him as much attention as possible. That never goes unnoticed by another child.

love jealousy

Psychologists emphasize the fact that love and jealousy are actually equivalent experiences in terms of emotional richness. It brings the most destruction and misfortune not to the object of love, but to the lover himself. While the jealous man is forced to suffer, to experience constant feelings of dissatisfaction, injustice, resentment or even envy, the person he loves continues his serene existence and enjoys a happy life with someone else.

Very often love jealousy is somewhere on the verge of loss of reason. In fact, self-awareness of the current situation, attempts to assess the degree of one's insanity and recognize jealousy as such, as a rule, do not lead to anything good. Moreover, jealousy based on strong love is the very small step that can lead to hatred and make you experience rage against a previously loved person.

Sometimes the slightest grain of mistrust or deceit is enough, and for the jealous, the whole world already loses its former colors and colors. Torment makes you try to find a way out of this situation. What's the best way to do it? Attempts to forget and forgive lead to nothing, showdown with a more successful rival with the help of fists leads to nothing ... all that remains is to reconcile and try to suppress all feelings and rage inside yourself. Often, however, negative emotions and anger spill out onto the object of love, because along with jealousy, a person can experience the bitterness of loss and deceit, disappointment, and even shame.

A separate issue is female jealousy. If men are more likely to try to get away from everything, to achieve their beloved, to fight for her, to take revenge on an opponent, then in the case of beautiful ladies, everything is different. It is they who often have a desire to take revenge on the very object of love, so that he experiences torment and suffering no less in strength than those experienced by the woman herself. Of course, after sweet revenge, feelings of dissatisfaction do not go away, jealousy still reigns in the heart, and no sudden healing occurs. It is not in vain that they say that only time heals severe mental trauma.

Is it possible to get rid of jealousy?

If you suddenly notice all the signs of jealousy behind you, while you are in a completely harmonious and stable relationship with your beloved, you should think carefully about your behavior. It often happens that there is no reason for jealousy, as such, at all, and your feelings of distrust are just a serious threat to a happy relationship. How to be, and is it possible to get rid of jealousy?

Think about why you developed this feeling and what triggered it. For women, a signal of jealousy is some incomprehensible change in personal relationships for them, suspicions of communication with other representatives of the fair sex. In the case of men, a significant difference in earnings, social status, influence in the family and among friends can become a reason for distrust.

Never reject jealousy! It is worth accepting, evaluating, trying to understand your feelings and thereby understand the current situation. With this approach, you will not have any problems getting rid of jealousy. Moreover, pay attention to that fact. that jealousy can be useful! It is worth talking about this when the feeling of annoyance becomes a good motivation for self-improvement, in order to regain respect and passionate feelings of a partner.

It is worth recognizing that jealousy in marriage is more relevant for men, but ladies often suffer from excessive jealousy on the part of their beloved spouse. Here are some tips that can help you with jealousy problems from your husband:

1. Do not hide everything in yourself and do not try to cope with feelings in secret from your soul mate. Talk heart to heart. Try to explain to him that jealousy in any of its manifestations can greatly harm your relationship, which you would not really want.
2. Such conversations are best conducted not during the next outbreak of jealousy and not immediately after it. Choose more suitable conditions for this, when both of you will be able to listen and understand each other.
3. Remember that your spouse is a person, not a machine. A man who does not receive signs of attention from his lady often suffers from low self-esteem, which becomes one of the causes of jealousy. Help him lift her up, don't be afraid to give appropriate compliments, and try to give him more love.
4. Never be nostalgic with him about your past relationships and "adventures", you should not deliberately provoke your husband to jealousy with your behavior or flirting with other males.

The psychological characteristics and way of thinking in men and women are different. Often this leads to the emergence of poisonous jealousy in a relationship. It acts destructively on both partners, often foreshadowing the collapse of the relationship.

Jealousy grows and becomes stronger, especially if it is fueled by selfishness and alcohol. Alcohol aggravates feelings and does not help to stop in time during a conflict on the basis of jealousy.

More often male jealousy is provoked by the female desire to please others. At the same time, men think that their beloved begins to look for another. Not everyone can understand that a woman's desire to please everyone is natural.

Ladies satisfy the need to please others in two ways: communication style and appearance. If a woman looks beautiful, then she has self-confidence. If you are far from a flawless image, self-confidence is significantly reduced.

So why, with jealousy, force your beloved to devote less time to herself and not approve of her communication style, if she will feel bad about it?

No need to force a woman to give up the desire to look attractive. Otherwise, it will cause her psychological discomfort and push her away from you. With a high probability, in this case, the beloved will reach out to someone who evaluates her attractiveness and is crazy about her.

Usually, keep women in a rigid framework selfish and insecure men. They forbid them to wear short skirts and generally revealing clothes.

Unlike representatives of the strong sex, if a woman really loves, she will not have the thought of an intimate relationship with another man. But if a guy oppresses his girlfriend with jealousy, she is more likely to give preference to a non-jealous man.

As a result, it turns out that male jealousy does not protect her from other men, but causes them to appear on the horizon.

Another unpleasant consequence of jealousy - the emergence of fear in women. This feeling is far from conducive to the normal development of a happy relationship.

Jealousy can be divided into several categories: without reason and on the basis of betrayal. In the first version, jealousy hides selfishness and self-doubt. Behind the second option most often lies a strong resentment, revenge and injured pride. Another category of jealousy is pathological. To eradicate it, the help of a psychologist is required, otherwise this condition can lead to disastrous consequences.

How to relieve jealousy?

1. You should stop being afraid that someone will take your beloved away or sleep with her. If she loves, and her feeling is not poisoned by your jealousy, no one can seduce her. If she has no feelings, no force will keep her with you.

In order not to poison life for yourself and her, you do not need to perceive your beloved as property. Treat her with respect, and remember that she is a person.

2. As soon as jealousy begins to overwhelm you, remember if it was not her charm and friendliness that attracted you to her at one time? Then you started a relationship, but she remained just as cheerful and joyful. So why force her to be withdrawn, sullen and insecure?

3. As we said at the beginning of the article, girls like to please others. Believe me, this is not licentiousness at all, but the desire to please everyone. Agree, there is a big difference between coquettishness and betrayal.

4. If it is difficult to cope with jealousy on your own, talk frankly with your loved one. Tell her what's bothering you and hurting you. With a high probability, she will change her behavior so as not to upset you.

5. Often men are jealous of the past of their beloved. They may be hurt by the thought that she has had men before, and perhaps someone was better or someone she loved more than you. This is the wrong way of thinking. If her past relationships came to naught, then there were reasons for that, and for her all this is already in the past.

According to experts in psychology, feelings of jealousy often give rise to a fear of being alone. This fear can arise in early childhood, when abandonment by parents can turn into death for the child.

If there was a similar situation in childhood, you need to realize that you are already an adult and you can take care of yourself. You need to depend less on the second half and you should not try to subordinate it.

By giving yourself such an attitude, you can eventually get rid of the fear of loneliness and, accordingly, the fear of jealousy. If this happens, the character will change for the better before our eyes. Life will begin to seem easier, it will be filled with interesting events, and there will be no place for jealousy in it.

As you can see, jealousy is not a panacea for other men. Moreover, this is a sure way to their appearance. That's why this feeling needs to be fought, and it is best to start it in the early stages of its appearance.

Do you think jealousy is appropriate in a relationship? Share your opinion in the comments.