A spoiled child: how to correct the flaws of improper upbringing. How not to spoil your child It happens like this: parents do everything to make their baby happy and spare no expense...
Every parent loves their child and wants the best for him. True, everyone’s methods of education are different: some believe that you cannot raise a good person without strictness, others, on the contrary, go to extremes and begin to pamper the child immensely. How to find a middle ground, becoming not a despot for a child, but a friend and at the same time, without raising him to be a sissy?
Spoiled child: signs
Contrary to popular belief, fathers spoil their children no less than mothers.
You can understand that mistakes were made in raising a child by a number of signs:
- Your child is despotic, trying to get his way by any means: crying, hysteria, screaming - for a spoiled child, all means are good.
- Too strong expression of emotions, irritation, denial of all the rules that parents are trying to establish.
- The baby asks for attention, does not want to play alone, and requires the constant presence of adults. However, he must certainly be the center of attention.
- If a child is dissatisfied with the slightest restriction of his rights, he tries to do everything out of spite: he spoils things, breaks toys.
- Greed and selfishness. If a child is alone in the family, he quickly gets used to the fact that all the best goes to him. This threatens problems in communicating with peers. In this case, it will be useful if mom and dad set an example of how well it is to share something with others, because next time they will share it with you.
- Another sign is that the child does not show independence in anything. He relies on adults for everything; if he is offended, he can tell lies. However, if you delicately correct the baby’s behavior, the situation will improve over time.
What spoils a child
The main mistake that parents make when raising a child is excessive guardianship over him. Not a single child is born spoiled; a sense of permissiveness is instilled in him by the people who love him. If adults constantly entertain, vying with each other to offer books, toys, and sweets, the baby immediately understands who is boss. It may be quite difficult to convince him.
When raising, it is important to learn to separate the natural desires and needs of the child from. Ask why he needs what he asks for. It is also necessary to develop tolerance in him. Often, if a child wants to play, we drop everything and start studying for him. Calmly explain that you are busy, but be sure to make time for him later. By teaching your child to be patient, you teach him to value communication with people and respect them.
Another big mistake is that the child is usually treated as a helpless creature, touched and lisped. Meanwhile, even a very small child is a person, besides, the child feels everything perfectly and is not at all against taking advantage of the weakness of adults.
How not to spoil your child
To prevent your child from growing up capricious and spoiled, it is important not to overdo it yourself. There is no need to try to please in everything and do everything for the baby, let him gradually learn to be independent. The child must do what is appropriate for his age himself.
Have a conversation with your grandparents. If parents prohibit something, then they should not indulge. The whole family needs to develop a parenting strategy, otherwise the baby will simply become confused. The child must learn to cope with his emotions, with difficulties and understand that the world does not revolve around him.
But when you start re-educating your child, don’t overdo it either. A little person may think that they stopped loving him, and that’s why they began to forbid everything. Don’t be afraid to be affectionate, just patiently and calmly explain to your child that you love him no less than before, you just don’t approve of some of his actions.
Of course, it is necessary to pamper a child, and this is quite normal. You need to take him in your arms, tell him how much you love him, give him gifts. It’s just important not to put the baby at the center of the family, to let him understand that he must take your interests into account.
You also need to take into account that a child’s emotional instability is not always a sign of spoilage. The reasons may well be an unfavorable psychological environment at home, as well as congenital or acquired diseases of the nervous system, or this is a signal that.
Have you ever witnessed children's tantrums on the playground and in the store? Probably yes. Children not only cry, they are overcome by a hysterical state, they roll on the floor and simply do not hear those around them. At this moment, parents have only two solutions to the problem: follow the child’s lead and fulfill his wishes, or reach out to the consciousness of their beloved child and turn the situation in their direction. The first method is easier and, unfortunately, more attractive for parents. It is here, precisely at this moment, that the process of raising a spoiled child begins, who in the future will be able to get anything he wants from his parents.
Be on the lookout
At what point should action be taken? When answering this question, the main criterion is the age of the child. A baby who has not reached the age of eight months needs affection in unlimited quantities. All his whims are related to psychological and physiological needs. A crying baby, left without attention and help, may develop neurosis in the future. You can only talk about strictness regarding children's requirements from eight months.
5 rules for not spoiling your child
- Before you forbid something to a child, set clear and unbreakable boundaries which must not be violated under any circumstances. A simple example: a child asks you for candy. You can answer his request with two phrases that practically do not differ in the set of words: “Okay, take one” and “Take one candy, but this is the last one.” In the first case, it will be completely unclear to the child how much more candy can be begged for; the second answer gives a clear understanding and limitation in quantity.
- Don't change the rules of the "game". Having told your child that this is the last candy, do not deviate from your decision, even if he insists on whining and throwing tantrums. The child is not able to understand why yesterday he managed to beg for five candies, but today his mother limits herself to only one. By setting clear boundaries, you make life easier for yourself and your child.
- Stand your ground. Once weakness is shown, it will forever be imprinted in the child’s mind. In the future, your prohibition will not be the final word for the child, he will continue to insist on his own, your primary goal is to make it clear to the child that he is wasting his time.
- If a child asks you for something, the feasibility of which you have not yet determined. Ask him to determine for himself whether he deserves such encouragement. For example, when asked to watch cartoons, he may say that he has learned his homework or cleaned his room. Teach your child that everything in life must be earned and deserved. To do this, start a simple pedagogical game: hang a picture of space in a visible place and stick stars on the picture for good behavior and completed tasks. It’s worth discussing with your child in advance how many stars he needs to earn to get the desired toy or entertainment. This technique will allow him to understand what it means to achieve.
- The issue of childhood disappointment requires special attention. Of course, if the child does not get what he wants, he will be upset, but this is a normal reaction. The child must understand that disappointments will be frequent guests in his life, so you should not protect him from this.
Video about raising a child - the super-nanny technique:
This question arises for parents already in the first few weeks if the child is capricious between feedings, instead of sleeping peacefully. If you put him in his crib, everything starts all over again. However, no need to worry. It is very difficult to spoil a child in the first 6 months. It is quite possible that the baby is simply not feeling well.
If you are afraid of spoiling your child, then keep in mind that this depends on the lessons that the baby learns in the first months of life. It is unlikely that at this age he would already hope that his slightest wishes would be fulfilled around the clock. And this is precisely what spoiling consists of. We know that infants are not able to predict the future. They live only for today. Therefore, they cannot formulate their thought in this way: “Now I will give them a fun life and will yell until they give me everything I want.”
The main thing that kids at this age learn is a general feeling of trust (or distrust) in the world around them. If their wishes are fulfilled quickly and lovingly, they feel that this world is not such a bad place. The eminent psychiatrist Erik Erikson believed that this sense of trust constitutes the core of a child's character. Therefore, to the question of whether it is possible to spoil an infant, the answer will be “no” - until he is old enough to understand why not all his wishes are instantly fulfilled (probably closer to 9 months). A better question to ask yourself is: how to instill in a child a sense of trust in others?
Spoiled child after six months
With a six-month-old baby, parents should already be more careful. At this age, children already experience colic and other causes of physical ailments. Of course, children who were not allowed to get away with it during the period when they suffered from tummy troubles are already accustomed to constant attention. They want to continue to be carried and constantly handled.
Take, for example, a mother who cannot bear to see her baby cry for a minute and constantly holds him in her arms until he falls asleep. By 6 months, the child immediately starts crying and begins to reach out to her as soon as she puts him in the crib. It is no longer possible to do anything around the house. The mother, of course, would like to break out of this slavery, but, on the other hand, she cannot stand it when the baby cries. The child obviously feels that the mother is irritated and upset, and this makes her even more demanding. Now compare this situation with the one when the mother, at the first opportunity, on her own initiative, takes the child in her arms and carries him all day, even if he does not cry.
Reasons why children are spoiled
Firstly, this most often happens with the first child. For most people, their firstborn is the best toy in the world. If an adult can be crazy even about his new car, then it is quite natural that an infant completely rivets his attention for entire months.
But admiration for the baby is not the only factor. Parents tend to project all their unfulfilled hopes onto their firstborn. They are worried, they are overcome by a previously unfamiliar feeling of complete responsibility for the safety and health of a helpless creature. The baby's cry makes them immediately do something, but they don't know what yet. When the second child is born, they already have more confidence and a sense of proportion. They know that the child must be denied something for his own good, and they no longer feel guilty, knowing that they are acting somewhat harshly, but correctly.
Some parents are more inclined to spoil their children than others. Some feel guilty towards their child for having to work long hours, or for being angry with their baby in some situation. Others have been waiting for a child for a very long time and suspect that they will not have another. Still others are too insecure and therefore become slaves to their offspring. Someone has adopted a child and believes that he must now perform inhuman feats in order to win his love and trust. Someone studied child psychology or worked in this field and now considers it necessary to demonstrate their professional qualities.
Whatever factors play a role here, all these parents unwittingly sacrifice their peace of mind and their own rights in an effort to satisfy all the desires of the child. It wouldn't be so scary if children knew what they could ask for and what they couldn't. But they just don’t know this. They naturally expect guidance from their parents. If parents doubt something, then the child also feels insecure. If the parents, at the first cry of the baby, immediately grab him in their arms, as if something terrible will happen if he spends a minute alone with himself, - and the child immediately feels that this is really something terrible. At some point, parents begin to protest, but then they again feel guilty and give up again.
How to rehabilitate a spoiled child
The earlier you detect the problem (between 6 and 9 months), the easier it will be to deal with it. But to do this, you will need to show willpower and firmness to say “no” to your child or set some kind of behavior boundaries for him. To set yourself up properly, you must remember: the child’s unfounded claims and his increased dependence on his parents in the future will bring him more harm than you.
Create and, if necessary, write down your daily routine. which will require you to do homework or some other duties at a time when the child is not sleeping. Try to do this work with the most concentrated look so that it will impress the baby, and you too. If the child starts crying and reaching out to you, explain to him in a calm and friendly but firm tone that today you need to do such and such. Although he will not understand your words, he will catch the intonation of your voice. Now get down to business. The first hour of the first day will be the most difficult in this entire event.
One child will cope better with change if the mother is initially mostly out of his sight and out of his hearing of her voice. This will help him be distracted by some other activity.
Another will adapt more quickly if he can at least see his mother and hear her talk to him, even when he is not being held. When you bring your baby a toy and show him how to use it, or when you decide it's time to play with him a little, sit on the floor next to your baby. Allow him to climb onto your lap, but don't pick him up or carry him around the room like before.
Realizing that you are not going to take him, he may crawl away from you. If he again decides to be capricious while you are sitting next to him on the floor, remember that you have other things to do and take care of them.
In this case, you are trying to gradually, step by step, help your child develop the ability to be patient with disappointments. If he does not begin to learn this from early childhood, then later this lesson will turn out to be much harder for him.
“A small child cries when he feels bad. He has no desire at all to “tyrannize” his parents, he just can’t tell them in any other way that he has problems (he wants to eat, his tummy hurts, he’s teething, etc.). In order for the baby to form a favorable impression of the world (which is very important for his further development), not a single request for help should be left unattended. As psychologists note, the mother must respond to these requests with lightning speed. In their opinion, the faster the mother comes to the child’s aid, the less the nervous system suffers and the more favorable the baby’s impression of his new environment.
In the books of B. Spock, who is especially popular in our country, there is a lot of advice not to pick up a child, not to play with him too much when he is awake, this supposedly leads to spoilage and interferes with the development of independence. Alas, these tips (like much else in Spock’s books) do not stand up to criticism in the light of the latest psychological data. It is tactile contact (when the child is in her arms), the calm, gentle voice of the mother that gives the child confidence, relieves tension and thereby creates the prerequisites for independence.
It is advisable for all parents to learn one simple thing: in the first months of life (up to about a year) there is no danger of spoiling the child. There can never be too much love and affection.
In addition to the need for food, sleep, and movement, a small child also has a need for love, communication, and affection. According to psychologists, parents who give their child all this, thereby laying the foundations for him to grow up to be a confident and happy person.
In B. Spock’s book “The Child and His Care,” I was surprised to find the following lines: “So, if your baby cries at the end of the waking period after feeding, then first assume that he is tired and put him to bed. Let him cry for 15-30 minutes...” I don’t know, maybe there are parents who were able to calmly watch their child tear up for 15-30 minutes, but I personally can’t do it. And why? Isn't it better to calm the child down and help him?
One of the common myths is that screaming strengthens the lungs. Even if this is so, what is more important to you - the absence of stress in a child, or lungs like a submariner?
Sometimes babies cry just to relieve stress. In this case, parents are asked to give the baby the opportunity to scream for an hour or two. I find it difficult to agree with such advice. It seems that they are given by people whose children have never cried or screamed much.
If a child screams, then you need to calm him down, and not wait until he is silent. If you do not take the child in your arms, this can lead to a variety of serious developmental disorders of the baby, and, first of all, to the undermining of his basic trust in the world. Take the child in your arms, comfort him with words, turn on light, calm music, place him on you so that he can hear your heartbeat.
When calming the child, you should make sure that you yourself are in an even emotional state and, as it were, “radiate” your love to the baby. Parental love works wonders - it is the best way to calm a screaming child.
By the way, studies conducted by psychologists have shown that children who saw a lot of warmth and affection at an early age have a stronger future marriage.
When the child grows up a little (about a year), then you don’t have to run to him immediately after the first squeak. He needs to gradually understand that sometimes he needs to wait, otherwise he will quickly understand what’s what and “sit on his parents’ necks.”
And one more piece of advice. You should not compare your “screamer” with other, calmer children: each child has his own mental characteristics and temperament. In addition, as psychologists note, as a rule, special “screamers” grow into people with a more active life position.”
