How to understand that it is better to break up. You quarrel about everything

Breaking up is always difficult and painful, but there is no person who has not had to go through this at least once in his life. It is not known what is more difficult - leaving on your own or experiencing when a loved one leaves. In any of these cases, you need to save face and survive the situation with dignity. It’s better to break up without scandals, insults and finding out who was wrong.

It's sad to realize this, but the fact remains eternal love does not exist. Someone, having passed the period of intense love, remains in love with each other warm feelings and respect, and on this strong foundation, relationships can last a lifetime. But there are also couples where feelings quickly flared up and just as quickly faded away, leaving nothing behind.

In this case, there is no need to torment yourself and deceive the one who is nearby, there is simply no prospect for such a relationship and the problem needs to be solved, as they say, “ surgically" That is, end the painful relationship.

How to start a frank and unpleasant conversation? How not to get hurt loved one and look decent? How to survive if they want to leave you and save face without ruining everything with a scandal, tears or insults? This is exactly what it's about we'll talk further.

Basic rules if you are the initiator of the separation

If you decide to end the relationship, this does not mean at all that your partner is bad in some way, you loved him for something before. Therefore, the conversation should be friendly and calm; the one with whom you want to break up should not feel humiliated. So, the basic rules for difficult conversations.

1. Don't delay important conversation. If you have already made your final decision, why maintain the relationship “reluctantly” or hide, using any excuse to avoid dating? You yourself will be exhausted, and your partner will probably feel that something incomprehensible is happening; you should not cause him suffering. Therefore, as soon as you have made your final decision, gather your courage and choose appropriate place to talk and make an appointment.
2. Choose an appropriate place to talk. Where is the best place to meet? The most important thing is that the place should not be too busy. It’s better if it’s a cafe or a park that you haven’t been to together before. The territory should be neutral; you shouldn’t start a conversation at one of you’s home.
3. Before you schedule a meeting, think about what you will say and how you will behave. Don’t drag out the conversation with your long monologue; say in a few words what you wanted to say. When meeting, it is better to behave neutrally; there is no need for coquetry or flirting, this can give a man extra hopes.
4. Watch your emotions and structure the conversation depending on the character of your partner. If he is hot-tempered, then first prepare him for what you are about to say, and do not suddenly bombard him with information, otherwise the reaction may be too violent. If your guy, to put it mildly, is not very strong in character, then be patient, as he will “put pressure on pity” and forgive “one more chance.”
5. Don't give him hope. Avoid cliched phrases like “let’s remain friends”, this is of no use. Be firm, do not back down from your decision.
6. Don’t leave a man any chance, don’t listen to his explanations or attempts to justify himself. Make it clear right away that this is your final decision.
7. Don't insult him! Never stoop to this, do not list all his shortcomings or mistakes, do not compare with others and do not allow yourself to treat a man down.

These simple rules will help make the separation less painful for him and will save you from the need for a long time to sort things out.

The art of breaking up beautifully when the initiator of the breakup is a man

If your loved one has decided to leave you, accept it as a fait accompli. Don’t give up hope, men have a hard time making such decisions and really don’t like such conversations, so if he decides to tell you everything, then this decision is thoughtful, balanced and final. Understand that it is common for women to leave, slam the door and say that it’s all over, hoping in their hearts that the man will take a step towards reconciliation. Men, on the other hand, are structured completely differently and ostentatious behavior is characteristic of only very rare specimens.

If he leaves, then there is no turning back, try to get through it with dignity. Neither your tears, nor your persuasion and pleas will stop him, and do you really need a man whom you need to keep near you with such efforts? Here are tips that will help you save face during an unpleasant and painful conversation.

• Remain calm and unperturbed. Your partner understands perfectly well that you are not very pleased with this situation, but there is no need to demonstrate suffering. You can cry at home or on a friend’s shoulder, but later.
• Ask him what is the reason for your breakup. Usually men are confused by direct question and a calm tone, he was already preparing for tears. In these cases, the man often even tries to establish relationships again, forgetting about his desire to leave you.
• Don't try to dissuade or deter him. Don’t beg, don’t forgive, don’t promise “not to do this again” or “to become what he wants.” You are you and you will no longer be able to become a different person, and living and pretending will be quite difficult.
• Don't be rude to him, don't try to fight or convince him that "who else needs him." Treat his decision and him with respect, you loved him, and maybe you still love him.
• Don’t wish him harm, don’t say that you’re hurting now and it will definitely come back to him. Behave with dignity, let him keep only pleasant memories of your relationship.

It's over unpleasant conversation. He left, he has a new life and many plans in the field of his personal life, but what about you? All you have to do is gather all your strength to get through this difficult moment in your life.

How to get rid of suffering

Being alone is always painful and unpleasant, but this too will pass. In the meantime, the experiences are still very fresh, you need to make sure that this mental wound causes you as little suffering as possible.

1. Don't keep your pain inside. Tell your friend, sister or mother what happened. If none of your loved ones are nearby right now, then a random interlocutor on the Internet can become a “vest” for you. You can also chat on the appropriate online forum.
2. If thoughts about him constantly haunt you, write them down. Sometimes pouring out your pain on paper is much easier than discussing it with someone, and the effect is no worse.
3. Keep yourself busy with something all the time. Do general cleaning in your apartment or room, rearrange the furniture, buy houseplants or get the pet you've been dreaming of for a long time.
4. Join a fitness club or swimming pool. Physical exercise They are great for relieving stress and tension.
5. When emotions overwhelm you, let them spill out. This does not mean that you need to be rude to people in public transport or start a fight in a restaurant. Did you feel really bad? Even if you break a mug, buying a new one is not a problem. Cry, it helps too. The main thing is not to do it in public.
6. Take a break from your work, show persistence, and set yourself additional tasks. The effect will be double: firstly, it will allow you to be distracted, and secondly, your efforts will definitely be noticed and appreciated by management.
7. Organize small holidays for yourself, treat yourself to something new. Going to the cinema or walking.
8. Remember that everything passes and any pain will subside sooner or later. Over time, it will even be funny for you to remember how much you suffered because of a person who, as time has shown, is completely unnecessary for you.

• For some, painful experiences become exactly what their relationships are based on.
• By blaming our partner, we lose sight of the fact that the cause of the confusion of feelings may be in ourselves.
• Parting should not be an argument in a quarrel, but the result of a balanced decision.

She can hardly stand his presence, but continues to live with him. He can no longer listen to her reproaches, but does not leave her. According to Federal service According to government statistics, there is an average of one divorce for every two marriages. But there is no data about those who remain in a couple, although everything pushes them towards separation.

Probably, each of us can remember our acquaintances, about whom everyone around us only thinks: “Well, why doesn’t he (she) leave?” Emptyness, melancholy, misunderstanding - many endure for years similar situation, before making up your mind and packing your things.

The Hidden Benefit of Relationships

As a couple, we receive support and understanding, learn to resolve conflicts and find compromises, and grow and develop internally. By communicating with a partner, we get to know ourselves better, heal our childhood wounds and feel safe. But what holds us back if there is no more dialogue and joy in being together in a couple?

Some of us treasure the image of family that we were able to create. Majority modern men and women perceive separation as a collapse of their life ideal, because we want to believe that marriage is “once and for a lifetime.” According to a 2011 Tiburon Research survey, 79% of those who are married and 57% of those who are divorced agree.

“When I had to tell my parents that my wife and I were getting a divorce, I couldn’t bring myself to look my father in the eyes,” admits 29-year-old Sergei. - I knew that he would blame me. From his point of view, a man is not worthy to be called a man if he could not save his family.”

If we live with the idea of ​​ourselves as a victim, we are more likely to stay in a couple where we play that role.

“The longer a couple remains united, the more difficult it is to break the “family wrapper,” says family therapist Inna Khamitova. - It is retained by the general memory and the feeling that when parting, part of life will be crossed out, devalued. Often added to this is fear of the future. But sometimes it is the painful experiences of partners that turn out to be the cement that holds the relationship together.”

“Life is suffering”, “A woman must endure everything so that her children have a father”, “Better bad family than none,” the family psychotherapist gives examples of beliefs that do not allow the connection to be broken, even when it has become painful. “Partners remain in a union if this union supports their idea of ​​themselves and the world,” summarizes Inna Khamitova. “For example, if we live with the idea of ​​ourselves as a victim, we are likely to remain in a couple where we play this role.”

Fear of Emptiness

45-year-old Tatyana recalls how she did not dare to leave her husband for almost 8 years. “He kept sarcastic: look at you, who needs you? And I believed it...” recalls Tatyana. Some of us find it difficult to bear not only loneliness, but even the thought of it. They are afraid of facing a deep, disturbing emptiness.

“It is most difficult for those who did not receive enough love in childhood or were abandoned by one of their parents to cope with it,” notes psychologist Maryse Vaillant. - Left alone, they feel unloved, which means they are bad and re-experience their past suffering. They are ready to endure a lot - boredom, aggression, contempt - just to avoid it.”

The inevitable result is a decrease in self-esteem. A vicious circle arises: the lower the self-esteem, the less faith in one’s strength and the more difficult it is to break up. If such a dysfunctional partnership lasts for a long time, self-esteem drops. All this is reflected in sexual relations: They either do not bring pleasure or are absent altogether.

Partners develop the habit of not allowing themselves to think about what is really happening to them

“Such couples often consist of a woman who is afraid of her desire, and a man who is afraid of the woman’s desire,” continues Maryse Vaillant. - After all, it takes two to agree to do without sex. Two - to agree to be unhappy together..."

Partners develop the habit of suppressing their feelings and not allowing themselves to think about what is really happening to them. This was the case with 54-year-old Ivan, who left home after 20 years of marriage.

“For the last ten years I was always busy with something, trying not to think,” says Ivan. - We met with friends, helped children, worked like crazy - and all these ten years we were unhappy, I don’t know why. I didn’t even want to ask myself this question, because it would drag down a whole chain of others. But my friends were worried when they saw that I was depressed, that I was moping and irritable. I didn’t listen to them until one of them asked directly what was stopping me from leaving. I couldn't find anything to answer him. And left".

“My mother-in-law’s departure freed me”

Inna, 44 years old, anesthesiologist

“I grew up without a father and quite early married a good man, worthy in all respects. For fifteen years in a row I did everything as expected: I raised two sons, ran a house, I had a job I loved, attentive husband, Good friends. And I got along well with my mother-in-law, she helped me a lot: she advised me, supported me, and looked after my grandchildren.

And at the same time, deep down in my heart, I knew that I married more out of convenience than out of love: I just wanted to always have protection, a reliable family nearby. I had no attraction to my husband. Sensuality has completely disappeared from our lives, but I always had explanations: children, worries, fatigue. And yet, sometimes such melancholy came over me that I wanted to give up everything and leave. I threw myself into work and it became easier. I thought: I won’t ruin my house with my own hands, so cozy, so dear!

And then my mother-in-law died. Some kind of balance was disrupted, and this pushed me to “go out.” One day I met a childhood friend, we started talking, started reminiscing... We remembered a classmate - my first love. I carefully asked if she knew where he was now. “Do you want his coordinates?” - she immediately responded.

More than a month passed before I decided to call. But when we met, we could no longer tear ourselves away from each other... In the end, I got divorced. But I still ask myself: would I have had the courage to call then, and then divorce my husband, if my mother-in-law, this Strong woman, who “kept” our family? I am not sure about that".

Breakup as an accusation

There are many couples in which each blames the other, not realizing that the cause of the confusion of feelings is in himself. The partner becomes a scapegoat, an object of aggression. Love intertwines with hatred, and the couple is locked in their own microcosm, not even trying to find a way out.

"Two are fighting for family happiness, but do not realize that each of them has their own idea of ​​​​what this happiness should be, describes typical situation Inna Khamitova. - It seems that the other one is deliberately interfering and ruining everything. Begin recrimination, and in this struggle, what could still be achieved is destroyed. A breakup becomes another way to shout to the other: “It’s all your fault!” In this case, divorce does not solve problems, but creates new ones.

“Parting always hurts,” emphasizes Gestalt therapist Daniil Khlomov. - We know this and therefore sometimes we use it as the last argument in a dispute - in a fit of emotion or out of a desire to punish another for the suffering that we believe it was he who caused us. But no matter how we hurt another, it will not heal our own wounds.”

Perhaps it would be more helpful for us to pause and ask ourselves: “What if there is something wrong with me?” Some couples experience a series of breakups, each time accompanied by intense emotions. “Each of these partners has such a high threshold of sensitivity that they are simply unable to perceive sadness or joy - only suffering or delight,” notes Inna Khamitova. - To feel alive, they need not just events, but blows of fate. They need powerful emotions, otherwise life seems unreal.”

Open eyes

37-year-old Natalya was convinced that she had no right to leave her unemployed friend, with whom she had lived for five years, because without her he would be lost. “When his attacks of bad mood became unbearable, I ran away,” recalls Natalya. - And then she returned again to help him gain the recognition that he deserved, but still could not get.

“You live as if you had your eyes closed,” my dearest friend once told me sadly. close girlfriend. And at that moment everything turned upside down: I suddenly saw that my feelings, thoughts, plans, desires had no meaning even for myself - only what was happening to him seemed important. This really scared me! Only then did I leave in earnest.”

Often a breakup is gradually prepared for months, sometimes even years, until some event, meeting, phrase or glance from an outsider, like a flash, makes us see the situation in a new way. And what seemed impossible becomes clear: it’s time to leave.

“Why do I stay if I haven’t been happy for a long time?” “This is the question that you first need to ask yourself,” Inna Khamitova is sure. - Asking it means going part way. And the next step can be taken with the help of a psychotherapist: it is very difficult alone to recognize the unconscious arguments that have made us forget about ourselves over the years.”

Start over

“Staying as a couple is no longer a matter of life and death,” emphasizes Daniil Khlomov. - For centuries, when a woman left her family, she was doomed to dishonor, and a man left his wife and children without a breadwinner. Nowadays, the choice between staying and ending a marriage is not so dramatic.

Women, like men, today are economically independent. And the types of unions have become much more diverse. Some practice an open marriage or something resembling a business partnership or friendship. Partnerships can include more than two participants: if this suits everyone, then why not? The challenge is to find the type of relationship that suits us.”

No one is obligated to stay in a relationship that is not fulfilling. But you need to be able to accurately choose the moment of separation so as not to hate each other.

“For anyone who does not dare to break off a relationship, although he realizes that it has not satisfied him for a long time, I advise not to delay it too much, so as not to be poisoned by the poison of anger,” says Maryse Vaillant. - Some people devalue everything they have experienced together, hoping in this way to save themselves from suffering and regret. But such a strategy prevents us from objectively analyzing the reasons for the gap and learning lessons.”

Every family is a project, a union of two to achieve certain goals. And when those are achieved, the project is completed

If someone thinks that with the help of a breakup they can “clean up” from the past, stop being who they were before, and start everything over with a new leaf, then this is a very romantic view, and it is far from reality. “Parting does not mean that our entire common past will disappear,” continues Daniil Khlomov. “I know this person’s habits, I know how to talk to him, and this knowledge will not go away, it will always be with me.”

Ideally, breaking up means increasing the distance between partners, rather than a painful breakup. Even if love and the desire to stay together pass away, you can maintain self-respect and ex-partner. After all, something united us one day, for some reason we needed each other and lived part of our lives together.

Sometimes a couple can bring surprises. “Anton and I got married immediately after graduating from college and divorced when the children grew up,” recalls 58-year-old Marina. - We each took care of our own lives, worked, had affairs. And then we met to talk... and unexpectedly discovered that we wanted to be together again. Our grandchildren were also at our second wedding!”

“Every family is a project, a union of two to achieve certain goals,” concludes Gestalt therapist Daniil Khlomov. “And when those are achieved, the project is completed.” Life in a couple comes to an end when the unspoken agreement that underlies it loses its force. But nothing prevents us from agreeing on the terms of a new union.

Divorce... for testing

Before breaking up completely, some couples try a preliminary separation. What is this - an opportunity to see the situation more clearly or a kind of run-up to jump better?

“If parting is always painful, then it is important to weigh which pain is stronger: from the presence of a person or from his absence,” says Gestalt therapist Daniil Khlomov. - But while we are together, it is difficult for us to clearly imagine what the feelings will be like when we find ourselves apart. A trial breakup allows you to find out. And then the divorce, if it does take place, will be a balanced decision.”

Family psychotherapist Inna Khamitova agrees that a pause will allow you to step back from the conflict, weigh everything more calmly, and think about the extent to which the partners are attached to each other.

“If we leave slamming the door and blaming the other for all the sins, we take with us a huge baggage negative emotions. And we won't be able to start new life“The burden of unlived feelings will pull you back,” warns Inna Khamitova. - It’s useful to just go your separate ways different sides“, move away from each other literally, in the sense of physical distance, in order to sort yourself out, think about your partner without excess feelings and decide with a cool head whether the couple has prospects.”

Any couple sooner or later faces difficulties and, as a rule, persistently tries to cope with them. But is the game always worth the candle? How do you understand that the best way out of a relationship crisis is separation?

You have different goals

Even at the most hard times and in the moments of the hottest quarrels, the realization of a common goal becomes a lifeline for lovers. On the way to common dreams Conflicts and misunderstandings are possible, but the presence of these dreams determines the whole meaning of the path. If you want to become a mother in the near future and dream of own home, and your lover does not consider the housing issue a priority and believes that the main thing in life is a career, and children only interfere with it, ask yourself the question: what actually unites you? Sexual attraction and shared company of friends are great, but what do you both want out of life? The lack of common goals will inevitably become a stumbling block in your relationship and a reason constant quarrels, and as a result, one fine day you will part ways, regretfully admitting that you simply are not on the same path.

You constantly avoid sex

Of course, if you have been together for several years, it is somewhat naive to expect from each other the passionate fervor of first dates and sex several times a day - unbridled drive eventually gives way to harmony, warmth and tenderness. Your own adjustments to the schedule intimate dates inevitably bring stress at work, fatigue and bad feeling, but a completely different matter is conscious avoidance of intimacy. If you notice that you are constantly looking for a reason not to have sex with your chosen one, this is a fairly serious signal.

You don't trust him

Treason or serious deception can not only provoke a relationship crisis, but also deprive you of the ability to trust your loved one. Restoring former trust can take many years and requires a lot of mutual effort. True, sometimes no effort is enough to mend broken happiness - and in this case, you need to find the courage in yourself and admit that it’s time to put an end to the relationship. If bitter memories of betrayal continue to hurt you even after for a long time, and every step of your lover leads to suspicion - seriously think about whether you need such torment. Staying in a relationship just for the sake of being in a relationship is not the best option.

Relationships hurt you

Any relationship is work, usually difficult and requiring compromises. However, sometimes we confuse compromise with the habit of constantly stepping on our own throat. If the relationship crisis has dragged on, ask yourself: are you actually happy? What does this relationship give you - a feeling of warmth, comfort and security or constant anxiety and unpleasant experiences? In the film "Sex in big city“Charlotte answers this question very revealingly: in response to Samantha’s statement that “relationships don’t have to make us happy all the time,” she objects: “I’m happy every day. Of course, not all day every day. But every day." Samantha was inspired by this confession to end the relationship. The step is difficult and painful. But honest.

You quarrel about everything

Without exaggeration - for any reason. This point is especially important if things that you previously perceived quite calmly become the reason for quarrels. If every little thing becomes a source of conflict, and everything causes irritation - from his habit of singing in the shower (which used to seem so cute) to the way he drives a car, it’s worth asking yourself what’s going on. If chronic dissatisfaction is not related to external circumstances (for example, financial difficulties or a tense situation at work), then it cannot be ignored, and even more so if this dissatisfaction is mutual. It is possible that minor quarrels are just the tip of the iceberg, and in reality you are going through a crisis love relationship, the best way out of which may be separation.

No one knows why we fall in love with some people despite their shortcomings, while we are indifferent to others despite their merits. Relationships between loving friend friendships depend on many factors, and they do not always last a lifetime. If you're wondering if it's time to break up, your relationship is probably on the rocks. And the time has come to decide where to move next - go through life hand in hand or part ways as friends. So, under what circumstances might you consider breaking up?

Your plans for life contradict each other. A romantic tale of opposites attracting certainly sounds good. When a spark just runs between two people, differences in temperament, views or beliefs can spur them on, even add zest to feelings, because after a heated exchange of opinions it is so nice to make peace. But if the couple’s plans for the future are too contrasting, the relationship can be seriously shaken. When someone in a couple wants to have a child and move to a larger apartment, while the other dreams of climbing Everest together and is saving for a new scuba gear, the contradictions will have to be resolved with a lot of compromises. Or - everyone should look for a more suitable person.

Only one of you needs intimacy. Moreover, it is not so important which of you in a couple has the dubious honor of constantly offering sex or even insisting on it, while the other partner is trying to pretend to be asleep or is urgently thinking of something to do. If mutual attraction no, insisting is pointless and even harmful. So, perhaps it’s time to take a break from each other.

Your partner is shy about you. Or you are embarrassed by him - the effect is the same. If they don’t want to introduce you to your friends and parents, or you try to go to a contemporary art exhibition with a colleague rather than with your loved one, because mutual acquaintances will see you together, this is an alarming bell. In pairs with strong relationships people usually not only value each other, but are also not afraid to walk hand in hand together, showing everyone that they are together. Of course, you may not like showing your feelings in public. But in this case, affection still manifests itself, just in a different way: you may be invited to visit family celebration or expressly present it to acquaintances in a high-status manner.

You have been cheated on. Sometimes people manage to overcome this by working on their relationships, but, on the other hand, more than one strong, long-term marriage has fallen apart due to adultery. Think carefully when faced with whether you are ready to forgive your partner, whether you are ready to trust him as before, and what such a relationship will ultimately lead to.

They're putting pressure on you. If for the sake of a relationship you have to constantly do things you don't like, and it doesn't seem like compromise and mutual concessions, it's time to sound the alarm. Especially if these demands are in your throat - for example, your partner likes to abuse alcohol and constantly offers to join you or insists that you change and become a different person just to please him.

You are given conditions. If it comes to ultimatums and demands with the argument “or it’s over,” you should think carefully about whether your relationship is worth such sacrifices. Especially if one ultimatum is followed by another.

Your partner is using you. When you are increasingly haunted by thoughts that they are sitting on your neck, living nearby because it is more convenient, you should take a closer look - suddenly it turns out that the suspicions are not groundless.

And, of course, you should never get away with physical and moral violence. Build healthy harmonious relationships with such a person it will be impossible.

We wish you strong and happy love. Don't be afraid to take the plunge and break with the past if the time has come to do so. Fighting for love is good when you have something to fight for. Good luck, appreciate yourself and don't forget to press the buttons and