home › Prayers › When it's time to leave. How to make the right decision? The friends you trust don't like him, and he doesn't like them in turn.

When it's time to leave. How to make the right decision? The friends you trust don't like him, and he doesn't like them in turn.

There may come a moment in a couple’s life when it’s as if scales fall from their eyes and they realize that that’s it, this can’t continue. The relationship has reached a dead end and you need to break it off right now, because it is poisoning your life and preventing you from moving forward.

But how do you understand that you cannot be together? After all, we girls tend to drag relationships down with us as a dead weight due to pity, habit, or some other feelings. By what signs can we say “Stop” to ourselves?

1. Insufficient communication

In the early days of your relationship, neither of you could go an hour without calling or texting each other. This was the norm. Now sometimes it even seems to you that he is deliberately ignoring your attempts to contact him.

2. No talk about the future

One of the most natural and delightful parts of any relationship is planning for the future together. Vacation plans, dreams of where you would like to build a house, coming up with possible names for future children - all this gives a feeling of security, the idea that you will always be together and grow old together. Try broaching the topic now - all you'll get is a muffled nod. Neither of you wants to discuss anymore where you want to go this summer or where you want to go on the weekend.

3. Reluctance to make an effort

At first, you couldn't decide what to do for both of you: hiking or a picnic on the river bank - everything was equally delightful and romantic. Now you don’t even want to make an effort and go to a restaurant or to the cinema in order to somehow support your outgoing passion. Your option now is to sit apathetically at home and watch TV. And it's good if together.

4. Quarrels become personal

You used to have minor, frivolous quarrels. Now this is a real war, where all means are good. You know each other's weak points and vulnerabilities well and use them to simply “get” your partner.

5. Quarrels break out instantly, everything is annoying

Even a slight hint that seemed annoying to you leads to you rushing into a quarrel without additional warning. If this is the case, then we can assume that you have deep grievances that poison the relationship. You will never look at your partner with the same eyes again.

6. Quarrels in public

If this happens, it means you absolutely don't care whether anyone finds out about your problems, this is a sign that you have lost all respect for each other.

7. The desire for independence

At first, you were eager to spend every free minute together, starting with showering together in the morning. Now all you want is to meet with friends or even work overtime, just not to be together more than necessary.

8. Loss of trust

No comments here, because trust is the basis of any successful relationship.

9. Change in Perception

Do you remember when his button nose touched you and seemed charming? Or his short, strange laugh? How funny and affectionate he seemed! Today the same nose makes him look like a hog, and his idiotic laugh is completely annoying.

Sometimes it is very difficult to realize that the time has come to end a relationship. Making the right decision isn't always easy, but there's nothing worse than being with someone you're not happy with. You have no idea how much your partner influences your life, so it’s better to step away from each other for a while to look at everything from the outside.

Everything here is purely individual - everyone determines their ideal for themselves. However, one of the important signs of a happy relationship is also one hundred percent confidence of the partners that they really need each other. Pay attention to 10 signs that things are “serious” for you.

To achieve harmony in a relationship, both partners need to make every effort, and the longer you are together, the more efforts you should make. Although, perhaps this will not help - some people are simply not destined to be together. And it’s not a fact that you will immediately understand that you are not suitable for each other. Living together, financial problems, having children - all this makes relationships much more difficult over time. But the most important thing - which should never be forgotten - is that you are worthy of love and respect.. Perhaps you have doubts about your relationship, this article will help you understand yourself and make the right decision.

Don't rush to call your significant other to set up a date? Do you feel that your partner is pulling? to the bottom"? And you feel relieved when he or she sleeps, because sleep is the only time when you don't fight.

On the other hand, it’s quite normal to spend some time alone with yourself. However, if you feel just great when he/she is not around... Question: why are you still dating??

Ideally, thoughts about the future with your significant other should make you happy. However, for some couples the opposite is true: they may simply not think about the future, since they are simply comfortable with this person at the moment. Either way, think about it.

Now let me be clear, it is completely normal to have doubts after the first date. But there are people who have been together for many years, but still haven’t decided whether they want to get married. You must clearly understand whether you want this (the same applies to your soulmate).

It's sad, but that's how it is. Even if you love each other very much, but want different things from life, everything will go downhill. One striking example is the desire/reluctance to have children. If your views on this issue do not coincide, this is a serious problem.

You must both be absolutely sure that you want to have children with each other.

, like love, is necessary for the development of happy and harmonious relationships. But what if your libido level and your partner's are not the same? In other words, some of you want to have sex less often, and some more often. This state of affairs can lead to serious problems that can result in numerous quarrels outside the bedroom.

Pay attention to 5 exercises that improve your sex life. If you are worried about your sex life, you need to have a serious conversation with your partner.

Relationships are hard work, but believe me, it will pay off over time! There will be difficult days ahead, but you will always know that in the most difficult times you will have someone to rely on. But if you feel like you are making an effort, but your partner is just going with the flow, this is a reason to think about it.

The basis of harmonious relationships is, first of all, trust.. There is no trust and everything instantly collapses. You become suspicious and suspicious of each other, destroying love and gradually starting to hate. Once trust has been broken, it can be restored, but this requires enormous effort on the part of both partners.

In general, if there is still no trust in your relationship, and you are not going to work on it, this flaw will get worse every day and, ultimately, can lead to a breakup.

An important aspect in a relationship is sympathy for your partner. Are your interests close? You are going to spend your whole life with this person, so make sure that you are similar to him in at least some way. Often people live together simply for practical reasons, or, on the contrary, they follow passion.

Therefore, you should share at least a little what your significant other likes. If you hate football and he can't live without it, well, he'll have to live with it for the rest of his life.

Each person communicates with others differently. But still you need to be " on the same wave" If you are constantly arguing, something may be going wrong. The same applies to the way of expressing love. Is it worth being with a person who doesn't feel the need to express his love for you?

But the worst thing is when you start a serious conversation, but your partner simply does not hear. Relationships are directly dependent on communication, and if you stop talking to each other, this will not lead to good things.

An ideal relationship is when you both love each other more and more every day. But the longer you are together, the more obstacles stand in your way.

As the years pass, the problems may get worse, but making the decision to leave can be almost impossible. Although living with someone who can't stand you is much worse. Long term is not an excuse to stay in a terrible relationship.

This video touches on such a subtle and pressing topic as relationships. We are talking about how you can maintain and maintain relationships while avoiding quarrels. We hope that some observations will still be useful to you!

For some, painful experiences become exactly what their relationships are based on.
By blaming our partner, we lose sight of the fact that the cause of the confusion of feelings may be in ourselves.
Parting should not be an argument in a quarrel, but the result of a balanced decision.

She can hardly stand his presence, but continues to live with him. He can no longer listen to her reproaches, but does not leave her. According to the Federal State Statistics Service, there is an average of one divorce for every two marriages. But there is no data about those who remain in a couple, although everything pushes them towards separation.

Probably, each of us can remember our acquaintances, about whom everyone around us only thinks: “Well, why doesn’t he (she) leave?” Emptyness, melancholy, misunderstanding - many endure a similar situation for years before making up their mind and packing their things.

The Hidden Benefit of Relationships

As a couple, we receive support and understanding, learn to resolve conflicts and find compromises, and grow and develop internally. By communicating with a partner, we get to know ourselves better, heal our childhood wounds and feel safe. But what holds us back if there is no more dialogue and joy in being together in a couple?

Some of us treasure the image of family that we were able to create. Most modern men and women perceive separation as the collapse of their life ideal, because we want to believe that marriage is “once and for a lifetime.” According to a 2011 Tiburon Research survey, 79% of those who are married and 57% of those who are divorced agree.

“When I had to tell my parents that my wife and I were getting a divorce, I couldn’t bring myself to look my father in the eye,” admits 29-year-old Sergei. - I knew that he would blame me. From his point of view, a man is not worthy to be called a man if he could not save his family.”

If we live with the idea of ourselves as a victim, we are more likely to stay in a couple where we play that role.

“The longer a couple remains united, the more difficult it is to break the “family wrap,” says family psychotherapist Inna Khamitova. - It is retained by the general memory and the feeling that when parting, part of life will be crossed out, devalued. Often added to this is fear of the future. But sometimes it is the painful experiences of partners that turn out to be the cement that holds the relationship together.”

“Life is suffering,” “A woman must endure everything so that her children have a father,” “A bad family is better than no family,” the family psychotherapist gives examples of beliefs that do not allow breaking the connection, even when it has become painful. “Partners remain in a union if this union supports their idea of themselves and the world,” summarizes Inna Khamitova. “For example, if we live with the idea of ourselves as a victim, we are likely to remain in a couple where we play this role.”

Fear of Emptiness

45-year-old Tatyana recalls how she did not dare to leave her husband for almost 8 years. “He kept sarcastic: look at you, who needs you? And I believed it...” recalls Tatyana. Some of us find it difficult to bear not only loneliness, but even the thought of it. They are afraid of facing a deep, disturbing emptiness.

“It is most difficult for those who did not receive enough love in childhood or were abandoned by one of their parents to cope with it,” notes psychologist Maryse Vaillant. - Left alone, they feel unloved, which means they are bad and re-experience their past suffering. They are ready to endure a lot - boredom, aggression, contempt - just to avoid it.”

The inevitable result is a decrease in self-esteem. A vicious circle arises: the lower the self-esteem, the less faith in one’s strength and the more difficult it is to break up. If such a dysfunctional partnership lasts for a long time, self-esteem drops. All this is reflected in sexual relationships: they either do not bring pleasure or are absent altogether.

Partners develop the habit of not allowing themselves to think about what is really happening to them

“Such couples often consist of a woman who is afraid of her desire, and a man who is afraid of the woman’s desire,” continues Maryse Vaillant. - After all, it takes two to agree to do without sex. Two - to agree to be unhappy together..."

Partners develop the habit of suppressing their feelings and not allowing themselves to think about what is really happening to them. This was the case with 54-year-old Ivan, who left home after 20 years of marriage.

“For the last ten years I was always busy with something, trying not to think,” says Ivan. - We met with friends, helped children, worked like crazy - and all these ten years we were unhappy, I don’t know why. I didn’t even want to ask myself this question, because it would drag down a whole chain of others. But my friends were worried when they saw that I was depressed, that I was moping and irritable. I didn’t listen to them until one of them asked directly what was stopping me from leaving. I couldn't find anything to answer him. And left".

“My mother-in-law’s departure freed me”

Inna, 44 years old, anesthesiologist

“I grew up without a father and quite early married a good man, worthy in all respects. For fifteen years in a row, I did everything as expected: I raised two sons, ran a house, I had a job I loved, an attentive husband, good friends. And I got along well with my mother-in-law, she helped me a lot: she advised me, supported me, and looked after my grandchildren.

And at the same time, deep down in my soul, I knew that I married more out of convenience than out of love: I just wanted to always have protection, a reliable family nearby. I had no attraction to my husband. Sensuality has completely disappeared from our lives, but I always had explanations: children, worries, fatigue. And yet, sometimes such melancholy came over me that I wanted to give up everything and leave. I threw myself into work and it became easier. I thought: I won’t ruin my house with my own hands, so cozy, so dear!

And then my mother-in-law died. Some kind of balance was disrupted, and this pushed me to “go out.” One day I met a childhood friend, we started talking, started reminiscing... We remembered a classmate - my first love. I carefully asked if she knew where he was now. “Do you want his coordinates?” - she immediately responded.

More than a month passed before I decided to call. But when we met, we could no longer tear ourselves away from each other... In the end, I got divorced. But I still ask myself: would I have had the courage to call then, and then divorce my husband, if my mother-in-law, this strong woman who “held” our family, was alive? I am not sure about that".

Breakup as an accusation

There are many couples in which each blames the other, not realizing that the cause of the confusion of feelings is in himself. The partner becomes a scapegoat, an object of aggression. Love intertwines with hatred, and the couple is locked in their own microcosm, not even trying to find a way out.

“Two people are fighting for family happiness, but they don’t realize that each of them has their own idea of what this happiness should be like,” Inna Khamitova describes a typical situation. - It seems that the other one is deliberately interfering and ruining everything. Mutual accusations begin, and in this struggle, what else could have happened is destroyed. A breakup becomes another way to shout to the other: “It’s all your fault!” In this case, divorce does not solve problems, but creates new ones.

“Parting always hurts,” emphasizes Gestalt therapist Daniil Khlomov. - We know this and therefore sometimes we use it as the last argument in a dispute - in a fit of emotion or out of a desire to punish another for the suffering that we believe it was he who caused us. But no matter how we hurt another, it will not heal our own wounds.”

Perhaps it would be more helpful for us to pause and ask ourselves: “What if there is something wrong with me?” Some couples experience a series of breakups, each time accompanied by intense emotions. “Each of these partners has such a high threshold of sensitivity that they are simply unable to perceive sadness or joy - only suffering or delight,” notes Inna Khamitova. - To feel alive, they need not just events, but blows of fate. They need strong emotions, otherwise life seems unreal.”

Open eyes

37-year-old Natalya was convinced that she had no right to leave her unemployed friend, with whom she had lived for five years, because without her he would be lost. “When his attacks of bad mood became unbearable, I ran away,” recalls Natalya. - And then she returned again to help him gain the recognition that he deserved, but still could not get.

“You live as if you had your eyes closed,” my closest friend once told me sadly. And at that moment everything turned upside down: I suddenly saw that my feelings, thoughts, plans, desires had no meaning even for myself - only what was happening to him seemed important. This really scared me! Only then did I leave in earnest.”

Often a breakup is gradually prepared for months, sometimes even years, until some event, meeting, phrase or glance from an outsider, like a flash, makes us see the situation in a new way. And what seemed impossible becomes clear: it’s time to leave.

“Why do I stay if I haven’t been happy for a long time?” “This is the question that you first need to ask yourself,” Inna Khamitova is sure. - Asking it means going part way. And the next step can be taken with the help of a psychotherapist: it is very difficult alone to recognize the unconscious arguments that have made us forget about ourselves over the years.”

Start over

“Staying as a couple is no longer a matter of life and death,” emphasizes Daniil Khlomov. - For centuries, when a woman left her family, she was doomed to dishonor, and a man left his wife and children without a breadwinner. Nowadays, the choice between staying and ending a marriage is not so dramatic.

Women, like men, today are economically independent. And the types of unions have become much more diverse. Some practice an open marriage or something resembling a business partnership or friendship. Partnerships can include more than two participants: if this suits everyone, then why not? The challenge is to find the type of relationship that suits us.”

No one is obligated to stay in a relationship that is not fulfilling. But you need to be able to accurately choose the moment of separation so as not to hate each other.

“For anyone who does not dare to break off a relationship, although he realizes that it has not satisfied him for a long time, I advise not to delay it too much, so as not to be poisoned by the poison of anger,” says Maryse Vaillant. - Some people devalue everything they have experienced together, hoping in this way to save themselves from suffering and regret. But such a strategy prevents us from objectively analyzing the reasons for the gap and learning lessons.”

Every family is a project, a union of two to achieve certain goals. And when those are achieved, the project is completed

If someone thinks that with the help of a breakup they can “clean up” from the past, stop being who they were before, and start everything over with a new leaf, then this is a very romantic view, and it is far from reality. “Parting does not mean that our entire common past will disappear,” continues Daniil Khlomov. “I know this person’s habits, I know how to talk to him, and this knowledge will not go away, it will always be with me.”

Ideally, breaking up means increasing the distance between partners, rather than a painful breakup. Even if love and the desire to stay together fade away, you can maintain respect for yourself and your ex-partner. After all, something united us one day, for some reason we needed each other and lived part of our lives together.

Sometimes a couple can bring surprises. “Anton and I got married immediately after graduating from college and divorced when the children grew up,” recalls 58-year-old Marina. - We each took care of our own lives, worked, had affairs. And then we met to talk... and unexpectedly discovered that we wanted to be together again. Our grandchildren were also at our second wedding!”

“Every family is a project, a union of two to achieve certain goals,” concludes Gestalt therapist Daniil Khlomov. “And when those are achieved, the project is completed.” Life in a couple comes to an end when the unspoken agreement that underlies it loses its force. But nothing prevents us from agreeing on the terms of a new union.

Divorce... for testing

Before breaking up completely, some couples try a preliminary separation. What is this - an opportunity to see the situation more clearly or a kind of run-up to jump better?

“If parting is always painful, then it is important to weigh which pain is stronger: from the presence of a person or from his absence,” says Gestalt therapist Daniil Khlomov. - But while we are together, it is difficult for us to clearly imagine what the feelings will be like when we find ourselves apart. A trial breakup allows you to find out. And then the divorce, if it does take place, will be a balanced decision.”

Family psychotherapist Inna Khamitova agrees that a pause will allow you to step back from the conflict, weigh everything more calmly, and think about the extent to which the partners are attached to each other.

“If we leave slamming the door and blaming the other for all our sins, we take with us a huge baggage of negative emotions. And we won’t be able to start a new life: the burden of unlived feelings will pull us back,” warns Inna Khamitova. “It’s useful to just go in different directions, move away from each other literally, in the sense of physical distance, in order to sort yourself out, think about your partner without excess feelings and decide with a cool head whether the couple has prospects.”

It happens that living together becomes simply impossible and the thought increasingly comes to mind that it’s time to stop all this. The more intrusive this thought is, the faster the readiness to break family ties comes. But the determination to break off the marital relationship is not always the only correct way out of the current situation. If, after all, there is neither the desire nor the strength to preserve what is already bursting at the seams, then, perhaps, that’s it, the time has come to act.

Before filing a divorce, you are given time to think, and not in vain. This period is quite enough for emotions to exhaust their strength and then the circumstances that served as the motive for divorce can be looked at from a completely different angle.

It happens that family life has become simply unbearable, and the spouses are in no hurry to divorce. The reason that makes you hesitate to resolve a vital issue may be fear. Still, how do you know when it’s time to get a divorce? We look at the problem without emotions, from different angles, which is very important and necessary for informed decision-making.

Why is divorce scary?

Reasons to be afraid of divorce can affect not only women, but also men. Some wives are ready to endure drunken brawls and moral bullying just because they believe that the children need a father, no matter who they are. This is one of the main misconceptions that forces women to endure domestic terror, because they are afraid of depriving their child of a full-fledged family.

The fear of getting a divorce just because relatives will say, whose side they will take, whether there will be support from them, can also affect the decision. More often, misunderstandings between relatives arise as a result of distortion of the essence of the problem, when the reason for the divorce is incorrectly provided. Divorcing spouses resort to such methods to cover up their own sins.

The material side of the issue is also important and is one of the reasons for some failed families not to get a divorce.

The wife, supported by her husband, is afraid to go on a free voyage, not having the material base, work, or her own means of subsistence. A man, because of money issues, is ready to tolerate the dominance of his wife if she is much more successful than him and the main capital belongs to her.

Divorce, which frees a woman from unpleasant moments that have become burdensome obligations, fills her with fear just by the thought of loneliness. There is such a definition as a divorced woman, people say “divorcee”, ladies perceive it as a stigma. For them, this concept sounds like a sentence that she is doomed to a dull, dreary life alone. Therefore, they continue to drag out their existence with an unloved person who humiliates and destroys their lives. The advice of a psychologist may help you accept and survive the breakup.

Main reasons for divorce

A number of important reasons indicate that it is possible to preserve what no longer exists.

The addiction of one of the spouses to addictions is the main reason for divorce.

After all, a man corrupted by his addiction made his choice long before the patience of the one who despaired and decided to flee from the ruins of his family ran out. Surely many attempts were made that did not give a positive result, and there was no longer any strength left to save. So you have to save yourself and save your own children, since the second family member understands that the marriage is doomed to divorce.

Tyranny and physical violence

Physical violence in the family, unfortunately, is a fairly common occurrence. There is an opinion that if a man raised his hand to a woman once, then he will do it the next time, sadly, but this is a fact. Perhaps in ancient times this was considered the norm, a woman could not fight back or find a way to avoid bullying, but now the situation is different, the weaker sex has the right to choose. By hiding the true situation in the family from people who are ready to lend a friendly shoulder, you doom yourself to the role of a hunted animal. In this case, you need to get a divorce, since such an attitude is a direct threat to mental and physical health.

Life with a very powerful person turns into hell over time if you do not try to regulate the excessive moral pressure of one of the spouses. This type of violence is no less dangerous than physical violence, therefore, observing the obvious predisposition of a husband or wife to despotism, one should not leave everything to chance. This person will get the hang of it, domestic terrorism will gain strength and flourish. Anyone who finds himself under constant pressure from a dictator will eventually become mentally broken, which will certainly affect his physical health in the future. All that remains is to decide that it is time to leave.

Isn't cheating a reason?

Adultery leads to discord in many modern families. There are spouses who cope with these troubles, they even manage to regain their former passion and the family experiences a second youth. If the one who cheats treats his loved one so disrespectfully that he does not hide his personal life, which runs parallel to the family, then there is absolutely no need to fight for anything. One thing is clear: divorce is inevitable. It would be ideal if the spouses separated by mutual consent. If only one of the couple expresses a desire to leave the family, for the second it is a double blow.

The fact that the husband is lazy and lazy is on the lips of many women, but none of them rushes headlong to file for divorce.

It happens that a spouse loses his job and it takes time to find a suitable place or position. It’s another matter when a man is terrified of work, and every time he shirks his financial obligations to his family. This phenomenon is not uncommon. Should I divorce such a husband or not? Not every woman will take a quitter to provide for herself and she will be absolutely right if she gets divorced, it is necessary and it will be better for her and the children.

What reminds you that divorce is approaching?

Changes in family relationships are felt on a subconscious level. Only for a person who is extremely inattentive and concerned only with his own person will this go unnoticed. This mainly concerns men; they are not so sensitive to the fact that the wind of change is blowing, that something wrong is happening to their wife. Therefore, the desire on her part to get a divorce is always a big surprise for him.

If the behavior of the spouses has changed somewhat, you should pay attention to some manifestations that will serve as the first alarm bells. Signs that it’s time to worry about the safety of the family will either prevent a breakup or help the spouses divorce, but with the least loss of nerves and money.

The husband and wife began to have very little contact, limiting themselves to short answers to questions, being together less - this is the first warning of impending trouble.

Closedness and reluctance to talk about their experiences appear when spouses rapidly lose interest and trust in each other. And also because this interest could appear on the side. In such a situation, it is important not to rush, but to take a closer look to see if such a change was due to troubles at work or due to health conditions.

Do you want to understand that a man or woman wants to get a divorce or is it just imagination? The following statements clearly explain the partner's position:

Love and relationships: problems arise in intimate life, intimacy occurs extremely rarely or is completely absent.
Attention and care: manifestations of care and attention are reduced to a minimum if the spouse is asked what he needs, the answer will be given with irritation or aggression.
Decision making: independently resolves issues without informing the partner.
Closedness, taciturnity: if you ask what is the reason for staying late, what events happened during the day, then the answer is usually short or not at all.

If all four points coincide, the conclusion follows that the situation is very advanced. However, if you wish, you can always try to make peace, maintain feelings for your loved one and restore the family.

For some, painful experiences become exactly what their relationships are based on.
By blaming our partner, we lose sight of the fact that the cause of the confusion of feelings may be in ourselves.
Parting should not be an argument in a quarrel, but the result of a balanced decision.