What parents owe their children and what children owe them. What parents should not do: violations in the family hierarchy

Helpful Hints

Hierarchy is an important parameter of the family system, which is designed to establish order, to reveal the power, authority, belonging and degree of influence of one family member on another. The most important position of the family hierarchy - parents bear full responsibility for their children, and all power in the family belongs to them.

In this article, we will look at some types of deviations from the established norm, as well as what this leads to.

Family triangulation

Triangulation is a kind of emotional communication that occurs between two people, in which a third person is involved. In the "wrong" family, in which internal boundaries are blurred, mom or dad can make the child their emotional partner. In this case, everything turns upside down, and the status of the child becomes equal to the status of the parent.

Children and parents

For example, when a little daughter becomes a friend of her mother. Mother communicates with her on an equal footing, as with a partner, as with a friend. This will certainly lead to psychological discomfort in the girl, in her head the roles are mixed up, and the strength is weakening.

In a normal scenario, the child's strength is directed to society, he uses it to communicate with friends, with peers, with brothers and sisters. When the mother begins to tell her girl how they do not get along with her dad, tells her about her suspicions of his relationships with other women, then a real turmoil occurs in the little soul that has not yet grown stronger.

When a mother turns into a friend of a little girl, then in the eyes of her daughter, the mother loses some of her authority, and as a result, the daughter unconsciously emotionally takes the side of the father. The child does not want to know about such things, he is hard to perceive negative information about one of the parents. As a result, the girl tries to move away from her mother.

The same situation happens when one of the parents establishes a friendly, overly trusting relationship with his son.

What kids shouldn't know about you

Speaking about excessive frankness in communicating with a child, it is necessary to immediately say that normally children should not know about their parents. The child should not be aware of parental secrets and personal intimate details.

First of all, of course, the prohibition lies on the discussion of the sexual relations of the parents, that is, the door to the matrimonial bedroom for the child must always be completely closed. The child knows that this door exists, but that's it.

Problems of children and parents

Also, the child does not need to be given information about premarital relationships, novels and loves of mom or dad. When a mother tells her children about the connections she had before marriage, she thereby takes away the strength of the father and turns her children against herself.

The same applies to the father: the child should not know about his relationship before marriage. If there was a marriage, and the child asked about it, only the fact itself needs to be reported, since the child should not put it off somewhere, so that anxiety and doubts about the strength of the union of parents do not appear.

What other violations occur in the hierarchy?

Parentification

This term comes from the English "parents". In the literal sense, when using this term, it means that children turn into parents of their own parents. Such a violation most often occurs when one or both of the parents are ill with alcoholism or drug addiction.

Let's take an example. The family has a drug-addicted father and a son, who often begins to replace the co-dependent mother of her father. The boy's parents in such a situation are most often very infantile, so the child is forced to become the only adult and take responsibility for the family and its existence.

Relationships in the family

The son begins to make decisions, he decides where and what the boundaries of the family will be. The boy often makes these boundaries very rigid. This, in turn, is expressed in the fact that no one should know the state of the father, so you can’t invite guests to the house, just as you can’t share this problem with anyone.

Such a child, as a rule, has no friends, he has a closed "adult" life. This is a hierarchy in which everything is turned upside down, because in such a family the status of the child is much higher than the status of both parents.

Another example of parentification. If the mother dies early, then the girl begins to fulfill her duties, replacing her functionally. In this case, she ceases to be a girl and a daughter. From early childhood, the girl performs a large number of household chores, supports her father and takes care of him. In the future, such a girl will become a functional mother to her husband, because at one time she never mastered the role of a daughter.

Breaking hierarchy between children

Such situations arise, as a rule, as a result of parentification. The eldest child in the family becomes the main one, takes responsibility for mom and dad, and as a result, begins to be responsible for younger children.

Or another option: there is no hierarchy only among children, there is no one who leads and there is no follower, the younger ones are on an equal footing with the older ones. This happens in the case when one of the parents is very authoritarian with children, influences them harshly, unites with them in a coalition. In this situation, the influence of the second parent is greatly weakened.

For example, a father spends quite a lot of time with his sons, without separating them by age. Mom does not participate in their games. In this case, the mother begins to get annoyed with the created coalition, and subconsciously begins to look for those with whom she can create her own. It could be her parents or a therapist.

It is worth adding that along with such family-breaking coalitions, there are also healthy versions of unions between parents or between children.

We all dream of being good parents, especially if we ourselves did not receive something in childhood. You want your child to have the very best. But the most important thing is that good parents should remember: their task is to raise children so that they can do without them. I know it sounds... harsh? severely? But it is so. This is called autonomy, independence. And this is an obligatory guarantee of a successful life, not to wait all the time for help, advice, but to do and achieve.

All photos are taken from open sources

Only our parental instincts make us act in a completely different way. Many parents are constantly trying to help their own child and protect him from failure. In this way, they often do great harm. In certain situations, children are required to act independently, so that they develop independence, experience in overcoming difficulties. So, what should parents not do instead of their child?

Lessons

Most parents are afraid that as soon as they themselves do not begin to track how homework is being done, they will not do it together with their son or daughter, then the child simply will not have time to cope with the lessons. Such an attitude may take place in the first year of schooling, but then the mother and father are obliged to educate in their own child independence and the ability to calculate time. Ideally, allow the offspring to plan the time and do the homework on his own, warning that at the set hour you will check the homework. Do not forget to lay an extra half an hour of time to correct possible mistakes with the child, but you should not do everything completely for him. Probably, in this situation, cases cannot be avoided when the baby simply looks at the TV and forgets about his own duties. But he can learn from his mistakes. In addition, having received an A for homework, he will have the right to consider this his personal achievement.

If your own child is annoying, use proven tips

Forwarded questions

Surely it happens that you automatically answer instead of your child when they ask him personally? Guests, a clinic, a school, a store - such situations are not uncommon. If you really noticed such a habit behind you, then try to restrain yourself another time and wait until the baby answers. It would seem a trifle, but if you follow this rule, the child will gradually learn to speak for himself. Only if you notice that the baby is now confused and will not be able to answer, give him the right direction by throwing a couple of words, and then wait for him to give a full answer. This is necessary so that the baby learns to formulate his thoughts. And so that he realizes that he must rely mainly on himself, because his mother will not be able to be near him all the time.

If you want your child to have more independence, start with .

Choice of friends

A significant proportion of parents would like their offspring to be friends with children from the families of their own friends. Undoubtedly, it is very convenient: "to be friends at home" and a big cheerful company to go to the park or visit exhibitions. This is not bad if you are trying to match your little one with certain children. But if they don’t develop friendship, you don’t need to demand or force them to communicate no matter what.

Another well-known parental mistake is to try to resolve the child's conflict situations in the classroom. The desire of a mother or father to punish the offenders of their child can be understood. But still, this is the very moment when adults should stand aside, admonishing their son or daughter with wise advice. But the child must deal with the conflict himself. Otherwise, relationships in the children's team may become even more complicated, and your child will not gain valuable experience in building relationships.

Conflicts with the teacher

From an early age, the child must be accustomed to the authority of educators and teachers. This is a necessary condition so that he can communicate respectfully with his mentors. Without respect for teachers, his studies can be seriously shaken. It will also have a bad effect on the assimilation of educational material, because the child will not trust the teacher. What should parents do in order not to create a bad relationship between their child and teacher? The very first thing is not to question the identity of the teacher. Never use phrases like: "That's why he asks to do this?", "In our time they didn't teach like that", etc. Do not argue with the teacher in front of the child about grades or anything else, even if you think that the grades are deliberately low. If a serious conversation cannot be avoided, be tactful, polite, as befits adults.

The time has passed when you and your baby were one in the literal sense of the word. Every parent should know that the time is coming when he should slowly move away from the child, give him some area of ​​personal responsibility. Let him make mistakes. Study. And you can sometimes tactfully give him wise advice. Whether or not you use them is none of your business. Just know that a moment will come when the child will return to you again, but already as a friend. Let it be a friend you can always rely on.

Children, along with adults, have a certain list of basic needs. However, it is much larger than an adult. The priority task of parents is to know and realize the needs of their child, since they do not yet know how to determine them for themselves. So what should parents give their children?

Child development experts say that parental ability to meet the basic needs of the baby has a direct impact on the adequacy of his perception of the surrounding reality. Through relationships with loved ones, they learn to feel and understand love, emotional support, and a sense of security. If adults successfully cope with the task and can give children everything they need, then as a result they grow up as people with a stable psyche and a correct understanding of responsibility. It also helps them become healthy and independent.

There are several fundamental points regarding the question of what.

All experts unanimously agree that reading fairy tales aloud to your children is an extremely useful activity. Thus, the baby acquires communication skills, competent construction of phrases, develops imagination, learns to think, defines the boundaries of good and bad, learns emotions and empathy.

It is important not only read the works aloud, but also encourage children to discuss the information they have read by asking a variety of questions.

Conducted studies confirm that kids to whom parents read fairy tales aloud on a regular basis are ahead in development of those who grow up listening to audio books.

Another important aspect is that fairy tales are simply necessary for kids. They contribute to the harmonious development of personality and psyche. It is these works that help in the knowledge and study of the surrounding real world. In fairy tales there are clear boundaries that define good and evil, positive and negative characters, as well as specific actions and actions.

In other words, a fairy tale is an accessible reflection of the real world, which is understandable for children's perception.

B relatives should support the baby's faith in miracles and give him the opportunity to dream.

Grandfather Frost in the New Year brings gifts to good and obedient children, the Tooth Fairy visits the kids at night, Baba Yaga lives in the forest thicket, and fairy dust will help you grow up quickly and give you strength.

Children need faith in miracles and magic. By analogy with fairy tales, this helps to fill a child's life with happiness, positive emotions, make it complete and exciting. Of course, with age, they will learn and understand everything themselves, but while they are still small, let magical things make them happy. Therefore, parents should not shy away from this, but, together with their children, write letters to Grandfather Frost and tell them incredible stories.

Relatives should be sympathetic to the desire of the child to have a pet.

In the life of any family with a small child, there comes a time when the child begins to ask for a pet. Studies by experts have confirmed that pets in the house play an important role in the formation and development of the personality of a little man. They are no longer soft toys. For a child, adopting an animal is a responsible and serious step in life, since it is a living being that has its own desires and needs. Having a pet at home obliges you to take care of him, often sacrificing your personal desires. Taking care of it will require accuracy and discipline.

The most important point is the sincere and devoted love of the animal. Very often it turns out that they are much closer to the baby than his often busy and emotionally cocked parents. For a growing man, a pet is the best friend. It is especially useful to have animals in families where one child is growing up.

They will help the baby cope with anxiety and stressful situations. An important positive aspect is that the animals are always at home, never busy and will be happy to communicate and play, and will also be able to give children a positive emotional charge.

Precautions - do not get a pet if the parents are not ready to take care of it. It is still too early to demand from the child a serious responsibility for a living being. Parents will still have to walk, feed and control the condition of the pet.

In this matter, you should not go to extremes - arrange your offspring in the sports section, get up early in the morning for hockey training, and the like. It often happens that adults are too obsessed with the idea of ​​mental development that they completely forget about the important principle of a healthy life - movement is life! A music school, a chess club, and painting are excellent tools for development, but the brain needs movement, as well as a regular alternation of physical and mental activity, for normal activity and oxygenation.

It is best to instill in your child a love and craving for sports from an early age. As a result, this will help him grow active and strong. There are no restrictions in the choice - from sections of martial arts to tennis.

It is worth making a habit every winter with the whole family to visit the ice rink or take a walk in the fresh air on skis. This will not only be very useful for adults, but the child will also be accustomed to a healthy and active lifestyle.

The minimum daily rate of movement for young children is at least half an hour.

The priority goal is that parents should help the child in choosing a sports activity that will be really interesting and to his liking. An important point - you need to choose what the child himself likes, and not his parents. Here we must give him the opportunity to decide.

An additional advantage is that during the involvement in sports life, the child will be able to practice communication skills, learn friendship and make new friends, and most importantly, act as a team.

An additional important aspect is that it is necessary to regularly conduct preventive medical examinations that will help maintain health.

We must give the child the opportunity to be heard.

No electronic toys and hobby activities can replace live communication with loved ones. Mom and dad are the most important people in a baby's life. For proper development, the formation of an objective self-esteem and self-confidence, he needs parental attention and evaluation. This means that it is necessary to express praise to your child, approval, support him and sincerely communicate with him, give him the opportunity to express himself.

Thanks to parents, children learn to recognize and respond to emotions. On the example of adults at home, they adopt the skills of behavior and actions in conflict situations.

Important - adults need to learn not to interrupt their children and listen to them. It is required not only to listen to everything they share with you, but also to respond to what they hear by asking questions and telling situations and stories from their own lives. In the end, this will help to master communication.

Compliance with the regime

Strict adherence to the regime teaches discipline, however, this is not the only positive aspect. It is easier and calmer for the baby to live with the knowledge of what awaits him. For example, first you need to brush your teeth - this is a mandatory procedure, and only then you can start breakfast.

If you teach him to do everything in a timely manner and concentrate while completing tasks, and sometimes force himself to do something, even through force, then later it will be easier for him to perceive and adapt in life, since certain things will become really familiar.

It is the family members who must control this moment. It is a well-known fact that most children prefer the so-called "junk food" and fast food. It is also no secret that if you allow your child to consume whatever he wants, he will grow up to be a person suffering from various diseases. As a result, he will not utter words of gratitude.

Proper and nutritious nutrition is vital for a growing child's body, since this directly affects the quality of development and growth, and also helps to cope with increased stress at school.

The most effective thing is to become an example yourself, that is, the parents themselves should monitor the diet, and healthy and wholesome food should become a good habit. Family members should not be lazy to cook food for the student with them.

An important point - you should tell the child about what benefits and what harms and for what reason.

On the other hand, nothing prevents you from cooking delicious meals at home from healthy products and pampering your family with hot chocolate for dessert.

It is extremely important for a child to fully satisfy this need, so loved ones should take care of this in the first place.

Actions on the part of the family - it is necessary to guarantee their own child's physical safety and freedom from fears. To meet this need, parents should create a safe and comfortable environment at home. They will need emotional support and empathy in difficult situations.

The best and most expressive example is parents. It is only in their power to demonstrate by their own example how it is necessary to control themselves at the moment of incredible anger and emergency situations. As a result, it will be much easier for the child to master this skill.

An important point - never express threats towards the baby, and do not cause physical harm to him.

This is of particular importance for a growing person, so loved ones should help create them.

Experts say that a person copes with the feeling of loneliness all the time by forming trusting and sincere relationships with others. It is very important for children to feel love, affection and belonging to loved ones.

It is an undeniable fact that children learn to build close relationships based on the example of adults. It is the parents who are responsible for learning how to communicate with other people, trust and receive a mutual response.

How can you fully satisfy a child's need for intimacy? - constantly demonstrate to the child that parental love is unconditional. Do not neglect close physical contact - give hugs, kisses and caresses for your own children as often as possible.

Parents should not forget to discuss with their children their desires, experiences, thoughts and emotions, and also accept them as they really are.

Self-realization and education

Parents should encourage and support their own child in the pursuit of knowledge and satisfaction of interests. You can help with homework, play educational and educational games together.

An important advantage - such contact will help to share personal interests with the child and interest him, which will only strengthen the family bond.

Hello dear friends! Today I have a philosophical topic, it will be very interesting to know the opinion of each of you about what parents should give their child. I do not urge anyone to agree with my opinion, we are all different and look at the same things differently. I just want to express my point of view on this matter. And this article was prompted by the events around me, the people around me, because everyone has their own life, fate and opinions, but no one forbids expressing this opinion. So let's discuss with you, because many of you are not only parents, but also grandparents, and from the height of life experience, a lot can be said, wise advice can be given. The birth of a child is a miracle in itself. But what's next? After all, now the task of parents is to bring to light a healthy, full-fledged, independent, adaptable personality. But how to do this so that the child never blames you for his failures in later life. What is the first thing we need to “give” to our children?

What parents should give their child. The most important

The first and most important thing, in my opinion, is love. Moreover, love is not for good study or obedience, but in spite of everything. Every minute your child (no matter how old he is) should feel that he is loved no matter what. He is needed, he is good, even if his behavior leaves much to be desired.

Even scolding, one should separate the behavior at a particular moment and the personality always. Punishment must follow the action, but then love must be shown again. What is it expressed in? In close contact (hug, kiss), in care and attention, in participation. Yes, the punishment causes resentment in the little man, a feeling of protest, but this should not affect the relationship between parents and children.

The whims of a small child are justified - fatigue, resentment, boredom, lack of attention. Usually behind the ugly behavior is the desperation to get the attention that the child needs from adults.

Finding out the reason is a kind of manifestation of love, although at this moment many parents feel anything: irritation, anger, resentment, shame (if this happens in a public place), but not tenderness and love. It is difficult to show love when experiencing negative feelings, but it is simply necessary in order not to lose contact with our children.

Is it possible to put an equal sign between love and care? To properly care, you need to know the needs of a small person. But with this there are problems, because often our needs and the child do not coincide. We want to help them survive, adapt to this world, and this is our need. But does a three-year-old understand it? He just needs to feel your support and then he will be sure that he is safe.

Can we say that love is mutual respect? How can love exist if a person does not respect his partner? What happens in our relationship with children? How often do we laugh at the naive judgments of our children. How many times do we talk about the fact that hands grow from the wrong place if a child breaks a mug or breaks something? Is this a manifestation of love, because by saying this, we humiliate a small person!

So we meet in adult life people whom our parents seemed to love, but they are not loved. And all because their parents did not respect them ...

If we raise children calmly, in an atmosphere of love, then we will not only do well for them, but also for ourselves, raising a wise and calm parent. The main thing is never to confuse two concepts - love and permissiveness.

What goes around comes around…

A child comes into this life like an empty vessel, and we adults fill it. And it largely depends on us parents what kind of drink this cup will be with. Unfortunately, the kid in the sandbox does not draw the line between good and evil. He does not know what it is to be attentive to other similar kids. It is not clear to him that by “picking out” the eye of a dog, he hurts the animal. And only adults are able to explain what compassion for the weaker is.

How do we feel about teenagers who bully weaker, younger ones? But if we ourselves do not instill compassion and kindness in children, we risk getting the same teenager. And the best way to educate is not notation and beautiful speech, but your own example. Only by showing patience for the shortcomings of others, including our children, can we instill patience.

How often do we demand honesty from a child, scold even for a small lie? But let me, because they themselves are not sinless. How many times do we deceive children? For many, this is even a kind of upbringing tactic - deception. So where do you get honesty and truthfulness.

We hide our feelings, and then we are sincerely surprised that we feel bad, and the children, so callous, do not even notice this. But try to open up. I want to cry - cry openly, say how hurt and insulting you are for this or that act of the child, and you will be surprised how honest and attentive your children will become. Not immediately, of course, because any changes occur gradually.

I believe in God and I believe that children should be taught to live with God, to go through life with God, to hope and believe that everything that is sent in life, good and bad, is for our own good. Children should understand from an early age that they are not on their own and not rely only on their own strength, that there is their creator. That they always go under his parental supervision. Be sure to bring children to the temple, take communion, tell them yourself and read a lot on spiritual topics. We, as parents, are obliged to preserve and pass on our Orthodox faith to our children.

Education

In order for the future of children to develop successfully, it must be possible to earn a living. After all, from early childhood, we ask our children the question: “Who do you want to become?” Leading to the fact that it is simply necessary to study and get a profession. Therefore, the task of parents is to help choose a profession and, if possible, help with education. But, I emphasize, only help!

In life, everything happens differently. We have some expectations, we put our hopes on our children and ... we impose our unfulfilled dreams. And we do not advise, but demand. Already out of habit, as at the age of two, they demanded to put on a hat, because it was windy outside.

We demand to go to law school, "because you won't make an actress." Increasingly, the expression “You must!” appears in the lexicon when communicating with adult children. And the more mature and independent our child, the more uncompromising statements. But we, as parents, were only required to give the right to choose and, of course, the right to make a mistake.

Do you need financial help?

One of the modern misconceptions is that a child should go out to people “fully packaged”. A child should go free swimming with an apartment and a car, education - only higher, work - prestigious, in some well-known company. But what about independence? No, of course, there are few young men and women who refuse all these gifts, but is this what they dream of?

This is an imposed stereotype that everyone now goes with waving flags. Does everyone have this opportunity? If you have one child, then you can strain yourself and give it on a silver platter, but will all this be appreciated? What if you belong to a large family? What now to provide housing for everyone? I'm afraid that in this case you can just lose yourself.

In my opinion, our task, as parents, is to prepare children morally for the complexities of life, to lay in them a solid foundation of spiritual values, and not to lay straws wherever a child can fall and get bumps.

Giving everything, we bring up spoiled children who get used to taking, demanding, taking away without giving anything in return. Initially, when giving gifts, we are waiting for a response - respect, tolerance, recognition and obedience. But, as experience shows, we get the opposite. After all, the ability to give is not instilled.

The life stories of famous people show that among the talents there are many people from large families who lived very poorly. This is Mendeleev, who was the seventeenth child, and A.S. Pushkin, and Yuri Gagarin, and the artist Kustodiev. But almost all of them indicate in their biography that childhood was fun, although they had to work hard. Love reigned in families, a sense of mutual assistance and mutual assistance. Parents in these families were able to lay that solid foundation, which gave impetus to future talents that are known to the whole world today. Who knows if these people would have become famous in a different environment.

But reality modern life shows that children, who are called majors, can rarely achieve anything without parental money. I like the saying: "if you want to raise good children, then spend half the money and twice as much time on them", in fact, this is the most important secret of parenting, which many parents now neglect, I do the opposite. Children do not need money and expensive toys, they need parents who will live eye to eye with their child.

When there are no children

Another modern reality is that a woman gives birth to her first child very late, by the age of 35, or even older. America and Europe have already faced this, now such a “fashion” has reached the countries of the former USSR.

The increase in the age of the mother at the birth of the first child is due to the fear of not giving the child everything that will be needed. So women are waiting for better times, they strive to earn more, build a career. But the paradox is that the “right time” may never come. So women face the problem of pregnancy by the age of 35 and then go to the doctors, in the hope that they will be helped.

The Lord Himself gave us women a covenant to give birth to children, and obviously not old age, but instead we do who knows what, and then we catch ourselves when it is very late.

It is not for nothing that nature is so laid down that you need to give birth while you are still young, full of strength and health, and this is the age from 20 to 35 years, at this age:

• fewer chronic diseases;
• less chance of miscarriage and pregnancy fading;
• the joints of the bones are still quite mobile and there will be fewer birth injuries;
• muscles are elastic and well stretched;
• the body will recover faster after childbirth;
• it is easier to experience stress, lack of sleep and a change in the course of life with the birth of a child.

There is a time for everything, this is not an invented truth, but a law of nature, if you like.

Of course, every woman decides for herself whether it is worth risking her and her child's health and waiting for the time when she climbs up the career ladder, or to sacrifice career growth for the happiness of motherhood and fulfill her main mission on this earth - to give life to other people.

Finally, I would like to sum up some of my thoughts: the most important thing that parents should give their children is love and care, convey their faith, instill spiritual values ​​(compassion, honesty, kindness, loyalty, love for the motherland, patience, etc.), education (note that I do not put it at the forefront, it is in third place, without the other components, education does not make sense, feasible material support, but not everything can be done for the child.

This is my vision of this issue that worries many parents, it does not claim to be true in the first instance - this is what I feel and how my heart tells me. And what do you think, dear readers, what should we, as parents, give to our children?