Guardianship and foster family. About the negative consequences of excessive guardianship and care for boys at different ages

A group of American scientists led by Larry Nelson found that parental control, regardless of whether it is associated with love and affection for their offspring, seriously harms them. Its consequences are low self-esteem and a tendency to engage in risky behavior. The study results were published in the journal Emerging Adulthood.

Consequences of supercontrol

The researchers recruited 438 students from four different universities to participate. Data were compared such as the academic performance of boys and girls, their self-esteem, risk appetite, as well as the level of parental control and the amount of warmth they received from their parents as children (the latter parameter took into account how much time parents spent with their children and whether they confidential conversations with your children).

It turned out that those whose parents were overprotective in childhood and adolescence had low self-esteem, and they were also more likely to abuse alcohol, drugs and other things that lead to self-destruction.

The situation was most deplorable for those whose parents “drilled” them without showing them enough attention and warmth.

Discipline instead of love

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At first glance, it seems that increased control on the part of parents is a sign of love for children. But in reality, children and adolescents who are overly controlled often feel lonely and unloved. Adults can watch their every move, for example, demand that they do not stay late after school, do their homework on time, maintain strict discipline with proper nutrition And physical exercise, reported in detail for spending pocket money, and so on. Parents usually explain all this by sincere concern for the child, by the fact that they want him to grow up as a normal person...

When a child grows up and gets out of control, he often goes to great lengths. Allows himself to do things that were previously prohibited under any guise: alcohol, drugs, sex “without brakes”... If parents forced him to eat right, a boy or girl may become addicted to fast food, beer, all sorts of harmful products... In a word, grown-up children gain what they were deprived of when they depended on their parents. Meanwhile, they often have problems with self-esteem, since many of them were told in childhood that they were bad, stupid, awkward, failures... And this is firmly ingrained in their heads.

Stifle with overprotection

But even if a child was sincerely loved, this does not mean that he will grow up a full-fledged personality. The fact is that sometimes parents, especially mothers, literally strangle their offspring with their love. They do not allow the growing child to take a step on his own, they solve all the problems for him and make any decisions instead - which sections to go to, which university to enter and whom to marry... Yes, the onset of maturity does not save you from overprotection. Mom closely monitors what her adult son or daughter eats, what she wears, who she meets... As soon as you stay with friends for a couple of hours, nervous calls to your cell phone begin: “Where are you? When will you be?” And everything is in the same spirit.

You can recognize a parent prone to overprotection by the way he talks about his children. In relation to even an adult offspring, he likes to use the word “child”. It is also characterized by the following expressions: “We went to college,” “We got a job,” “We got married.”

How will a child who is overprotected out of love grow up? Most likely, he will not be independent and, having become separated from his parents, will begin an unconscious search for a new guardian - a friend or lover who will take responsibility for him. If he still cannot tear himself away from his parents, he will consult with them on every issue. He will certainly have problems making independent decisions.

Although it is possible that a “mama’s boy” or a “daddy’s girl” will begin to rebel - they will try to leave home and live their own “separate” life. But out of a sense of contradiction, they can completely mess things up...

"We thought there was something positive about overparenting, but we didn't find it," said study leader Larry Nelson. He and his colleagues believe that adolescents and young adults undoubtedly need support and care from their parents, but they should not be “protected” from independence.

And it seems that there is nothing wrong with this need, since it is a natural maternal need to love her child. But this need, when realized beyond measure, can cause harm to such heavily cared for children.

How? When we give our children too much affection, we do them a disservice. This is an unwise approach to both raising children and their development. This is an unwise approach. When we overprotect our children, we do not allow them to develop and grow on their own.

Let me give you a few examples.

Once at a reception I had a guy, closer to 40 years old already, such guys are called “ mama's boys" By age, he is already a grown man, and the impression from him is as if you are talking to a child who is sitting on a potty. He's in his own way personal development stuck in childhood. Before this boy appeared, my mother suffered two injuries; she lost her eldest child. For her, this resulted in hyperprotection - she directed all her love towards this boy, and he drowned in her.

She was very protective of her child, controlled his every step, made all decisions for him... at some point the child stopped developing his own personality, he no longer thought for himself, did not decide for himself, but did what his mother told him .

He never learned to make his own decisions in life. This is how he lives - completely unfulfilled as a man, as a professional, despite the fact that he has a completely developed intelligence, he is far behind his peers, this is a very sad and sad sight.

And this is far from the only case in my practice. This phenomenon is quite common in our lives, when outwardly he is already a man, but when he starts talking - kindergarten And complete absence self-realization.

The second case I want to talk about is a mother who gave birth to a child late, as they say, for herself. She made a career for many years, became a top specialist, and did not notice how time passed... She missed the time to get married, and maybe she didn’t want to get married at all, because such women have decent ambitions and they no longer want to bother themselves with taking care of their husband, his socks and ironing shirts.

And closer to 40, she simply decided to have a child. The child who was born became a “light in the window” for her, and now she pours out all her unspent love on her son, she wants to be herself best mom, she literally blows away specks of dust from her child, creates the most Better conditions for the growth and development of his son. And he begins to get sick from this overprotection of hers, he is literally suffocating from her love. As a result, this child becomes sickly, and frequent bronchitis becomes his life companion.

This is similar to growing a plant in a greenhouse, in which it will grow weak and stunted, while it can grow perfectly well in natural conditions, in sun, rain and wind, if it is allowed to grow like that.

Once upon a time I read books about Tibet and life in Tibet - there is a harsh climate and simple life. It turns out that when a child is born there, they almost immediately bathe him under a stream of icy mountain water, and they have no idea that this is dangerous and bad.

In Norway and Scandinavian countries, running through puddles and playing in slush is the norm, because that’s what they have most of the time rainy weather, and they don’t think that rain is a reason not to take the children out for a walk.

In the West, when children have a sore throat or sore throat, they are fed ice cream and given ice to suck. But here we don’t give ice cream even when the children are healthy, and they warm water, compote, kefir so that the child drinks it warm. Yes, from the point of view of Ayurveda, cold foods are not healthy. But when mothers tell me about how they protect their children, I don’t see the rational grain of Ayurveda in this, I see that mothers are going too far with their overprotectiveness.

So it is a matter of consciousness. When we think about our children that they are weak and need to be protected, we actually shape just such children. You see, everything that we see in our children, they unconsciously realize it in themselves. If we believe that our children are weak, they will not cope with life's difficulties, and this is exactly what happens. If we believe that our children can do anything and can cope with any difficulties, then we trust them more, and they really become stronger.

Overprotection begins from the very first days. This happens especially often with firstborns, when young mothers do not know how to look after and care for their children. And having read books and listened to the advice of grandmothers and mothers, they begin to do everything according to the book or according to the advice, and, moreover, too diligently. You need to listen to advice, it’s about receiving wisdom from mentors, but you always need to filter and adapt this advice to your life.

Overly caring mothers iron the baby's diapers up to 40 days, boil water for a bath for 40 days, lay sheets where the baby crawls, wash toys that fall on the floor 100 times a day, feed from a spoon until school age, do not give the opportunity to smear the porridge, spill water, wash the child’s hands endlessly and constantly.

These are already prerequisites for a child to grow up as a pampered infantile creature. It is necessary to give the child a spoon in time so that he learns to hold it, examines it and begins to try to direct the porridge into his mouth with the help of a spoon, you need to allow him to play with porridge, water, yes, at first it is unpleasant, you want everything to be clean, but at the same time With practice, the child quickly becomes able to hold a spoon.

Sometimes I hear that a mother feeds her child with a spoon at an age when he is already running with his legs and needs to be prepared for school. At the same time, the child sits down to eat and waits until they tie an apron on him and start feeding him. It is not normal.

Children should receive maximum attention and love from the moment of birth until the age of 5-6 years. Next, boys and girls need to be raised differently. Moms need to get away from their boys and pass on the opportunity to communicate and educate their dads.

And continue to bask with the girls, but already begin to teach them household chores, involve them in your women's affairs. I didn’t invent all this, this knowledge is from the Vedas, simply by receiving life experience, you begin to understand that everything was wisely thought out before us, you just need to listen to this knowledge in time. And don’t get to this point through your mistakes and “rake”.

There is a similar one Japanese advice: up to 5 years old, the child is a king, from 5 to 16 years old he is a servant, and from 16 years old he is already a friend, you need to communicate with him on equal terms. This helpful advice. Until the age of 5-6 years, a child should receive unconditional love. After 5-6 years you need to be stricter with children. And after 16, it’s too late to raise them; you need to see them as adults, and not coddle with them.

Children should live in natural conditions, not greenhouse conditions, children should run barefoot on the grass in the summer, children should walk on sand or on the ground. Yes, mothers need to make sure that there are no pieces of glass so that the child does not get hurt or cut, but in general you need to trust that the child should grow up in natural conditions.

The warmer the conditions he lives in, the more pampered and unhealthy he becomes. The more we three our houses by means household chemicals, the more likely you are to develop an allergy. For contrast, I’ll tell you how children grow up in India. In cotton clothes and pants, barefoot, they grow there like roadside grass, running, jumping, dirty, unkempt, but you can see how strong and resilient they are, what vitality they have.

I’m not holding them up as an example that this is how it should be now, there’s a certain extreme in this too, I’m calling for rationality. The more we fear germs, the more vulnerable we become. Microbes surround us on all sides, if we treat them normally and coexist with them, then everything is fine.

Our children's bodies become familiar with the world around them and microbes, and acquire immunity. I do not suggest that your children eat dirt or sand, never wash their hands and toys, there should be rationality and balance in all this.

But I am against not letting children crawl on the floor and washing toys 30 times a day, this is more like a neurosis. Need golden mean! Allow your children to eat new foods, run barefoot, walk naked at home, dress lighter, run through puddles, tumble on the grass, there is nothing wrong with that. This way they will be closer to natural life, so they will be healthier. That's all.

In conclusion, an anecdote on the topic:

The first child - you boil everything and
iron it thoroughly.
Second child - you rarely stroke,
you make sure you don’t eat from the cat’s bowl.
Third child - if the child ate
from the cat's bowl, then this is the cat's problem.

Taking care of your health,

homeopathic doctor Dina Bakina

It is worth noting that parental love is the basis in emotional development children. Children who have not received the love of their parents feel unhappy and lonely on a subconscious level.

They are often less sociable, proactive, and friendly. Without an example unconditional love, they believe that love must be earned. This attitude will most likely bring them problems in the future, in their adult life, in particular in family relationships.

The child acutely feels the need for unconditional parental love: he needs recognition and approval of his actions, acceptance by his parents with all the shortcomings and imperfections.

Parental love gives a feeling of psychological safety, security and comfort. Such a child expresses his feelings more openly, he is relaxed, tolerates failures and difficulties more easily, and is less susceptible to the opinions and assessments of others.
The danger of not receiving parental love is that even as a person grows up, it is difficult for a person to forget the emotional wounds and grievances he has received. He clearly remembers his parents' indifference, their neglect or reproaches. Growing up, such children receive a distorted model of relationships, because even in childhood it seemed to them that they were worse than others.

Disadvantages of Overparenting

On the contrary, excessive parental care can harm the child. The child grows up infantile: it is difficult for him to make decisions on his own and take responsibility for them.

An overprotected child develops much more slowly emotionally, it is difficult for him to learn independence, and, as a result, he acquires the necessary social skills more slowly. Often such a child begins to believe in his helplessness, because his parents do not give him the opportunity to do anything without their control and help. The child becomes restless, insecure, lacking initiative, and tense.

Excessive parental care does not allow the child to make independent choices and learn to resolve controversial situations. Due to the fact that parents prevent the child from learning to acquire the experience he needs, he develops false self-awareness, that is, misrepresentation about yourself, your potential, your actions. Such children can grow up capricious, touchy, irritable, and lazy.

It should be remembered that it is impossible to protect your child from everything in the world; one way or another, in order for him to grow up self-confident, purposeful and strong, he also needs negative experience. He must learn to behave correctly in losing situations, conflicts, and various difficulties. It is recommended to give the child advice, talk with him, but not decide absolutely everything for him.

The influence of parents' relationships with children on the characteristics of their psychosocial development, according to available data, is extremely diverse. Scientists have received quite convincing evidence that in families with strong, warm contacts, respectful attitude towards children, they more actively develop such qualities as collectivism, goodwill, the ability to empathize, independence, the ability to resolve conflict situations, etc. They tend to have a more adequate awareness of their “I”, its integrity, and, consequently, a more developed sense of human dignity , the ability to stand up for yourself. All this makes them sociable, providing high prestige in the peer group. In families with an authoritarian attitude of parents towards children, the formation of the above-mentioned qualities is hampered, restrained, distorted, and in some cases becomes impossible.

The state of incommunicability, for example, as an abnormal personality trait in childhood, has the property of persisting and even developing in the future, even in the case when the factors that brought it to life are no longer present.

The nature of parents' attitude towards their children has a serious impact on their attitude towards life prospects. Different orientations of young people towards the future, although they live at the same time and are in social conditions, providing equal opportunities and chances, depend on the cultural level of the immediate environment (primarily the family), and especially on good emotional ties with the family. The absence of such deforms the feelings of a young man and his attitude towards society, and significantly affects the level of his life aspirations. Deformed feelings, underdevelopment of the child – the source of his school failures leading to "general demobilization and abandonment of greater efforts to plan and realize his future." That is, emotional connections influence not only the formation of certain moral qualities and character traits, but also the energy with which the child achieves his goals.

Many researchers come to the conclusion that the characteristics of the relationship between parents and children are fixed in their own behavior and become a model in their further contacts with others.

The first social relationship of a child, says, for example, the English psychologist L. Jackson, is his relationship with his mother; its importance cannot be overestimated for the development of an individual’s character. It serves as a model for all subsequent relationships. G.V. comes to the same conclusion. Dragunov and D.V. Elkonin. Even such an attitude towards children, which is built on the basis of authoritarianism, lack of respect and justice for them on the part of parents, leads, as their research has shown, to the fact that they are reproduced by children in a group of peers. And vice versa, children raised in normal conditions build their own own relationships with peers on a moral and ethical basis.

“Downtrodden and weak-willed children later turn out to be either sluggish, worthless people, or tyrants who throughout their lives take revenge for a suppressed childhood,” wrote A.S. Makarenko. There are many similar examples that can be given. Numerous studies have found a direct connection between the normal mental and moral development of a child, such qualities as altruism, humanism, warm and friendly relationships with other people, a stable positive image of “I”, and a calm, friendly atmosphere of the family, an attentive and affectionate attitude towards child from the parents. There is a lot of evidence that even the instinct of motherhood and fatherhood manifests itself more strongly if the child’s childhood did not know a shortage of kindness, sensitivity, care and love on the part of the parents.

At the same time, numerous studies convincingly demonstrate the fact that the less warmth, affection, and care a child receives, the slower he develops as a person. Even insufficient attention, low frequency of communication between parents and children (hypocustody) often cause sensory hunger in the latter, underdevelopment of higher senses, and infantilism of the individual. The consequence of this is a lag in the development of intelligence, poor performance at school, and often mental health problems.

Even more dangerous for a child is the attitude of parents toward him, which is characterized by a negative emotional connotation (irritability, harshness, rudeness, aloofness, etc.).

Child abuse hurts and hardens a child's heart. Since the child’s consciousness is prone to one-sided conclusions and generalizations due to limited life experience, the child develops distorted judgments about people, erroneous criteria about their relationships in general and about their attitude towards him. Rudeness, unfriendliness, indifference of parents towards him – the closest people – give reason to believe that a stranger is capable of causing him even more trouble and grief. Hence the state of uncertainty and mistrust, a feeling of hostility and suspicion, fear of other people.

Trying to somehow adapt to a difficult situation, to avoid the cruelty of their elders, children are forced to look for vicious means of self-defense. Lies, cunning, hypocrisy are the most common of them. Over time, these traits become stable qualities of a child’s character, and in the future – the basis of opportunism, baseness, unprincipledness and other disgusting vices. Increased child sensitivity in conditions of despotic, indifferent attitude towards the child of parents leads to an acute feeling of loneliness. Often this situation is reflected in his mind by a feeling of personal inferiority and lack of self-confidence, which reduces the child’s social activity and restrains his spiritual growth.

Such an experience prevents the child from correctly perceiving and comprehending influences coming from outside and responding to them adequately; it makes him unresponsive to the values ​​of genuine culture and overly susceptible to imaginary, illusory values. Emotional insufficiency makes a teenager psychologically unprotected and morally unstable. In such a situation, it is easier for a person to take the antisocial path of behavior. Thus, the destructiveness of parents’ relationships with children acts as a criminogenic factor.

The attitude of parents towards children has not only a direct impact on the spiritual development of the child. This influence is mediated by the actual educational activities of adults. On the one hand, the measure of parental love determines the degree of attention to the child, concern for his future, stimulation for educational success and achievements, etc. On the other hand, the success and effectiveness of educational efforts are directly dependent on the attitude of the person brought up towards the bearer of these efforts, on the degree of identification with him. There is no doubt that the degree of identification will be higher if the child loves his parents. It is love for parents as a response to parental love, attention and care that makes it much easier to achieve the goals of the instructions and demands of adults regarding the child and the forms of his activity. “That one,” wrote V.A. Sukhomlinsky, – whose childhood is illuminated by the sun of love... is distinguished by exceptional sensitivity and receptivity to the father’s and mother’s word, and their good will, and their teachings and parting words, advice and warnings.”

The love and affection of a child for his parents, to a certain extent, become that internal “taboo” that protects him from unworthy actions. And in this sense, the thought of K.D. is deeply correct (although it has not yet been truly comprehended and assessed, from the point of view of educational practice). Ushinsky that children who love their parents rarely become bad people. Conversely, educational efforts and even sophisticated techniques sometimes turn out to be powerless if the relationship between parents and children is colored by negative emotions. In other words, the value and significance of education increases immeasurably in the presence of harmonious and full-fledged emotional relationships with children. Their loss is not only a robbed, impoverished world of childhood, but also a loss of the educational capabilities of the family.

However, the root of many vices can also be unreasonable parental love, i.e. one that is not regulated by a sense of duty, demands in relation to it. Unreasonable parental love – form overprotectiveness, unbridled catering to the whims of children, indulging their selfish habits or condescension to serious misdeeds of children and forgiveness. Excessive parental care suppresses the child’s personality, dulls his mind and will, makes him lack of initiative and dependent on thoughts and deeds. Quite often it is accompanied by a thoughtless and tactless attack on the dignity of adolescents and their feelings of adulthood.

Indulging in their whims and whims leaves a difficult mark on a child’s consciousness and behavior to eradicate. Satisfying any desire of a son or daughter, which is often associated with parents’ denial of the most necessary things, contributes to the development of their idea of ​​their own exclusivity, creates unhealthy needs, unwillingness to take into account the needs of other family members, and, ultimately, with the needs of others and interests society. Imperceptibly, gradually there is an inexorable process of personality decomposition: the formation of dependency, selfishness, and a consumerist attitude towards life. Growing up selfish and white-handed, such children turn out to be unsuited to life and work, and, having become adults, they look for easy ways in life and thereby come into conflict with society and the law.

The social inferiority of a person - the product of unreasonable parental love - is not only a social, but also a serious personal problem, which will be perceived more and more acutely over time: a spoiled child is more likely to face disappointments in life. It is much more difficult for him to enter a group of peers, and then into labor collective. He is more likely to be rejected, misunderstood and unloved by others, which can cause him severe mental trauma.

Research materials, therefore, indicate that intrafamily relationships are the strongest specific educational factor and, at the same time, a very vulnerable educational place of the family, “its Achilles heel,” if the family’s emotional contacts are destructive and negative. In this case, the family not only loses the quality of a collective, and at the same time its educational capabilities, but also turns out to be the microenvironment that refracts, changes, distorts and delays the positive social impact on the individual. The struggle for the healthy moral and spiritual development of the younger generations is, therefore, inseparable from concerns about strengthening the family, about creating harmonious and fulfilling moral and emotional family relationships.

Oksana (18.02.2013 11:08)

Hello!

Please tell me whether it is possible to obtain custody of a child without depriving the mother parental rights(child 4 years old). The situation is as follows: the child’s mother is mine cousin. By virtue of poor condition due to her health, she is unable to work. The child has a dash in the “father” column. In reality, the father periodically appears, but does not take part in the maintenance and life of the child. At the same time, the question is constantly raised that he should be appointed as the official guardian of the child and have the opportunity to dispose of his son’s property (the father is a citizen of Tajikistan). Now my grandmother (70 years old) supports the family and my husband and I help. I would really like to protect them and most importantly not lose them.

Oksana, good afternoon!

You can be appointed as the girl's legal guardian if the mother agrees to the guardianship. To do this, you will need to collect the documents necessary to obtain a conclusion on the possibility of being a guardian (for more details, see the section “I want to adopt a child”, Step 2) and contact the Public Education Office at your place of residence with a request to appoint the child as a guardian. However, the fact that you will be appointed as the boy’s guardian will in no way prevent the biological father from establishing paternity using DNA testing and then demanding that the boy be handed over to him to raise... This is exactly how events developed in the case of with this girl, which is now unknown and where to look. And this is not such an exotic scenario...

Therefore, if you really care about what happens to the boy when unfavorable development events with his mother (and your sister), I would advise you to think about adopting a child. Naturally, with the consent of the mother. Only in this case, the biological father will definitely not be able to simply take the child when he has the opportunity and/or desire to undergo a DNA examination...

Sincerely,
Olga Mitireva

Julia (14.02.2013 14:30)

Hello.

I have next situation- I am raising three children, one natural and two under guardianship. The boy is 7.5 years old, with me he is 4.5 years old. The girl is 4.5 years old, with me she is 2 years 2 months old.

That's the question about the girl. Where the bio-mother is is unknown, she is a citizen of Ukraine, the bio-father is a Muscovite, he was in prison for 2.5 - 3 years, for what - I don’t know. Released in December 2012. The girl was removed from her family and transferred to a Moscow orphanage at about a year old. Both biological parents were deprived of parental rights, they did not appear in court, the child was removed due to a threat to life. Already in the orphanage it was established that she had a heart defect (the operation was already performed under guardianship) and HIV. Now my bio-dad has been released from prison and has written a statement to the OOP at his place of residence asking me to tell him the address of my guardianship and the child’s place of residence.

I started collecting documents for adoption, but I finish the adoption process only on April 9th. I have the following questions:

1. Does the PLO have the right to give my biofather my address or any contact information?
2. If my biological father goes to court to have his rights restored, will I be invited to the hearing?
3. Is there a chance not to return the girl to her biological father (she doesn’t remember him, she calls me mom, the whole family considers her theirs...) if he gets to court before me.

In advance Thanks a lot in your time! Please advise what is best for me to do in this situation. I've been crying for the second week.

Sincerely,
Julia

Julia, good afternoon!

First of all, I ask you not to draw quick conclusions about the true readiness of the biological father to fight for the child. Write to free form An application to the PLO is easy; it is much more difficult to file a claim for reinstatement of rights in its entirety and win the case in court:

1. Until the court decision on the restoration of his rights comes into force, the biological father has no right to communicate with the child, and the OPP has no right to provide him with information about her whereabouts, incl. in the guardian's family. You can ask your PLO to call and clearly indicate your position (I suggest this method so as not to once again remind the PLO of your biofather who you are and where you live - which is inevitable when applying in writing).
2. On your own initiative, neither the court nor the biological father’s PLO will likely invite you to the hearing, but you can petition the court to include you in the process as a third party on the part of the PLO in accordance with Art. 43 Code of Civil Procedure of the Russian Federation - i.e. not making independent claims regarding the subject of the dispute. In this case, you will be able to actively direct the course of the process and attract the court’s attention to important points.
3. If the court for the restoration of rights does take place, you need to be as active a participant as possible (see paragraph 2), namely: talk about the condition of the child before coming to your family and after, show a photo, attach a conclusion about the possibility of being an adoptive parent to confirm the seriousness of their intentions, emphasize that the biological father “overlooked” the child’s significant illnesses, demand that the court appoint “ probation"before making a decision on the merits, etc.

And continue to collect documents for adoption, actively prepare for the adoption court! If, at the time you file your adoption application, the biological father has not filed an application for reinstatement, you have high chances adopt without delay.

Good luck! Sincerely,
Olga Mitireva

Elena (12.02.2013 19:49)

Hello!

We have the following problem: my sister is an alcoholic with a long history. Coded 8 times. Divorced. Two children, 16 and 5 years old, from different fathers (the second was recently released from prison). They live with their grandmother, although they have their own apartment. She doesn’t take care of her children, she’s all in debt, she has no money, she’s mentally unbalanced, she constantly yells and insults everyone. He goes on a spree for several weeks and comes back like the last homeless person. But the worst thing is that she takes the children with her. The little one was found in the forest, brought from the beach, found in some dens. We need to erect a monument to our grandmother... constantly searching. We contacted the PLO more than once to somehow put my mother in her place... last time They said: if you’re bothering me, we’ll come and pick up the children. But this will be such a blow for them. Maybe something can be done without removing the children? Please help me with advice! And in any case, thank you for such a useful site.

Elena, good afternoon!

Of course, you can do without removing children, but this will require, first of all, a clear action plan from you and, in a sense, doing the work for the PLO.

It seems to me that in your case you cannot do without depriving the biological mother of parental rights (PRP). If guardianship of the grandmother had been established with the consent of the mother, then the grandmother would have lost the right to child support payments, and the children would have lost the right to benefits due to children deprived of parental care.

According to paragraph 1 of Art. 70 of the RF IC, cases of decision-makers are considered by the courts upon the application of one of the parents or persons replacing them (meaning officially appointed guardians, not actual ones), an application from the prosecutor or the PLO. Those. you need to literally bring a draft of the claim and all the necessary written evidence (we talked about them on the phone) PLO directly into the hands of the PLO to act as a formal applicant in court. “Remind” the PLO that if you delay going to court, you will go to the prosecutor with a request to file this lawsuit, and at the same time make a representation against the PLO.

By the time of filing a claim for PRP, the grandmother must have a conclusion about the possibility of being an adoptive parent or the grandmother must be well versed in. And from the children's biological fathers it is necessary to obtain notarized consent for adoption. As an argument: the only alternative to this agreement is the PRP, in which alimony for maintenance will be collected from the fathers. When giving consent to adoption, alimony is not assigned.

I will wait for developments - best regards,
Olga Mitireva

Alsou (12.02.2013 18:37)

Hello my adopted daughter In 2 months I turn 18 years old and our agreement on creating a foster family is terminated. We would like to submit an application to extend the contract because... the child lives with us, studies full-time at college and will study for another 2 years, after which she plans to enter a university, the girl is in good standing at college - head of the group, member of the college volunteer movement, etc., it is not possible to work with such a workload has a stipend according to the certificate of 4,100 rubles monthly (enough for travel and meals while studying), i.e. below the subsistence level. Please tell me whether the OPP has the right to refuse to extend our contract. I would be very grateful if you refer to a specific law that allows the extension of the foster family agreement (according to social teacher- The OPP refuses to extend the contract upon reaching 18 years of age for the ward.)

Alsou, good afternoon!

I have to disappoint you: the law clearly states that with the onset of adulthood (or earlier, if, say, the child was emancipated) guardianship ends automatically. Accordingly, an adult citizen cannot be placed under guardianship or in foster family, even if he himself wants it. Here are the specific ones regulations on this issue (all these acts are in the “Legislation” section):

• clause 1 art. 153.2 of the RF IC: the agreement on a foster family is terminated on the grounds provided for by civil law for the termination of obligations, as well as in connection with the termination of guardianship or trusteeship.
• clause 1(4) art. 29 Federal Law of the Russian Federation "On guardianship and trusteeship": guardianship or trusteeship is terminated in cases provided for in Article 40 of the Civil Code of the Russian Federation.
• clause 3 art. 40 of the Civil Code of the Russian Federation: guardianship of a minor is terminated without a special decision when the minor ward reaches 18 years of age, as well as upon his marriage and in other cases of his acquiring full legal capacity before reaching the age of majority (clause 2 of Article 21 and Article 27).

However, your ward is entitled to some benefits and payments due to orphan students from 18 to 23 years of age. You can read more about them in the "Legislation" section - as in part federal laws about benefits, allowances and payments, and in the section of the legislation of the constituent entities of the Russian Federation (depending on the region in which you live).

Sincerely,
Olga Mitireva

Ksenia (11.02.2013 20:30)

Good evening!

Tell me what we should do. We contacted the PLO to create an adoptive family, collected documents, and gave an opinion on the possibility of becoming adoptive parents (they said: “You can’t cross the PLO!”). They found us a 6-year-old boy, we met, we really liked him, we visit him, and introduced him to our son. They asked the psychologist and after our visit the dynamics were positive. We were waiting for the conclusion of the medical commission. Suddenly they unexpectedly appeared distant relatives that no one knew about. Now we are denied everything, the only thing we were allowed to do was visit the boy while his relatives collect documents (although he does not make contact with them). And we just don’t know what to do, we just give up.

Ksenia, good afternoon!

Firstly, I advise you to internally decide who you are in this process: small, unreasonable children who cannot be “contradicted” by the “smart aunts” from the PLO and the orphanage, or capable adult citizens who can understand the laws themselves and demand these laws from officials observe. Personally, I'm sure it's the latter. But I see that the first one is being actively imposed on you. And you need to resist, first of all, for the sake of the boy to whom you want to give a family.

Secondly, are you ready to adopt or do you still want to create a foster family? If the second, then you need to get a conclusion about the possibility of being foster parent, and not the adoptive parent. To do this, you need to submit an application to the PIO at your place of residence with a request to issue such a conclusion based on the documents already submitted and the inspection of the home. Read more. Based on the conclusion about the possibility of being an adoptive parent, you can only adopt a boy, and not accept him into a foster family. Read more about the procedure for creating a foster family in the section “I want to adopt a child,” Step 4.

Finally, there is no need to wait for relatives to collect documents for the child. If you have already made your choice, either submit an application for adoption to the court at the location of the orphanage (how exactly - in the same section “I want to adopt a child”, Step 4), or immediately receive a conclusion on the possibility of being an adoptive parent and submit it to the OOP at to the location of the orphanage, an application with a request to appoint you as the child’s guardian. And demand - as always - only a written, reasoned response within the time limits established by law.

Good luck - and more healthy insolence!
Sincerely,
Olga Mitireva