How to create a healthy Christian family. How to start a family

(4 votes : 4.75 out of 5 )

Every day marriages are made and new families are created. But family happiness is not given out in the Wedding Palace or after the wedding in the Church, it is built by the spouses themselves - gradually, almost all their lives.

Ekaterina Anikina, presenter:

— Hello, dear viewers, the Slovo program is on the air. Every day marriages are made and new families are created. But family happiness is not given out in the Wedding Palace or after the wedding in the Church, it is built by the spouses themselves - gradually, almost all their lives. On our site, a huge number of questions are devoted specifically to family and marriage. Doctor of Theology, Vice-Rector for Academic Affairs of the St. Petersburg Theological Academy, Archpriest Vladimir Hulap will try to answer some of them today. Hello father Vladimir.

Archpriest Vladimir Hulap:

- Hello.

Ekaterina Anikina, presenter:

- Our dear viewers ask: how to create a good family - after all, in church bookstores there are mainly publications on how to save it?

Archpriest Vladimir Hulap:

- If we are talking about creating a Christian family, then, of course, we are talking primarily about a certain community in faith and a certain common understanding of what marriage is. Since for believers, of course, this is a very important step, and this is not just a step in the face of the state, not just in the face of a woman in the registry office, who, on behalf of the state, on behalf of the state, proclaims them husband and wife, but also an important step in the face of God . Because if we look at the Holy Scriptures, we will see that the image of marriage runs through the entire Old and New Testament. In the very first chapters of the Book of Genesis, it is said that it was God who created the man and the woman, that it was God who brought Eve to Adam, and the last book of the New Testament, the Apocalypse, ends with a description of the wedding feast of Christ and the Church.

That is, marriage is something so high, so pure and important, that it is applied both to the relationship between God and the Church, and between God and believers — that is, it is a pure and lofty relationship of love. Therefore, the creation of a family is the path to this love, and indeed, very often our relationships at this preliminary stage are and remain only love - when we see some such ideal of a person who does not have any negative, negative features; we consciously or unconsciously create this ideal, cherish it in every possible way, and therefore, of course, before creating a marriage, it is important to understand: what kind of person is he really. Not in terms of just some kind of critical approach to this person, on the contrary, looking for some negative traits, but understanding whether I can trust this person with the most important thing that I have - my life and my love. Since marriage is something that, at least ideally, is for Christians for life, therefore, to the closest, beloved person, I must give myself. Am I ready for this sacrifice - for giving myself away, and am I ready to take upon myself just this other person - with all his shortcomings, with all his problems, but at the same time with everything beautiful that is in this person?

In the Book of Genesis, chapter 24 tells of the marriage of Isaac and Rebekah - Isaac, the son of Abraham. And we see in this narrative two such important points, as it seems to me. On the one hand, this is a prayer for this marriage to really happen, this is a prayer to find the right bride, to find the one who, as the text says, is “predestined for him by God,” that is, destined for him by God. But at the same time, this is not some kind of passive waiting, when a young man or his father just sits and waits for some special miracle to be answered to this prayer. We see that they send a servant to another land in order to find a bride for Isaac.

But in this story, no matter how different it may be from our modern realities, we see two important points. On the one hand, marriages for Christians are created by God, therefore, without praying to God that the Lord would arrange this marriage, they are already on the way to preparing them for this marriage; and on the other hand, in no way denying any of their own human efforts. And indeed, if we believe that there is nothing accidental in life, then in this prayer it is worth looking around us, it is worth looking at those people who are next to us, as those people who are sent to us God is for something in our life to change, for us to receive some lessons that will allow us to achieve some greater spiritual growth, and so on.

And in such a mood, we can say that some person always seems to be nearby, who sooner or later will become that messenger, that answer to our prayers that we turn to God. Of course, it is very important that this period of joint recognition includes, it seems to me, certain periods of problems, including critical situations, when a young man and a girl are not just walking hand in hand, in some such euphoria, but when they will be able to jointly understand how they can respond to these crises. Because it is in a crisis situation that a person becomes who he really is - when all the masks are torn off, when some such external artificial plaque leaves, and the person becomes himself. And the whole family life will consist not only of joys, but also of these problems. And if a young man and a girl are ready to solve problems together, then this is already a kind of basis for the joint creation of a strong family, since the family is destroyed primarily by problems that young spouses, especially, cannot solve. Some kind of contact at this everyday everyday level leads to the fact that it turns out that it was not love - it was love, it was a feeling that, like the wind, came and went. But in fact, love is not the beginning, and not so much the beginning as the goal of marriage. Marriage begins with love. Love is that which, as a result of daily life together, daily exploits, including family deeds, daily rejection of oneself for the sake of another loved one, brings this love - after 5, after 10, after 15 years, but this love is not created by simply flipping a switch. You can’t just make it or create it after a certain time - this is a natural process. Just as good wine requires a certain aging period, true love, real family happiness requires a certain and often very, very long period of time, and if young people are ready for this joint labor of love, then, accordingly, this can be you need to reflect on the period of preparation for marriage.

Ekaterina Anikina, presenter:

- And what if a young man and a girl want to get married, and relatives are against their union? What is the role of parental blessing in creating a marriage?

Archpriest Vladimir Hulap:

- Indeed, if we look at the pre-revolutionary history of Russia, Russia, we will see that parental blessing was very, very important. Parents blessed their children with special icons for marriage, and these icons, like wedding icons, like family icons, passed from the house of parents to the house of the young, they became, as it were, their home altar, the spiritual center in front of which they performed their prayers. But at the same time, we see that the social situation, and in general the view of relations between a man and a woman, a view of marriage, have changed a lot recently, therefore, of course, now, first of all, the personal aspect is emphasized - the relationship between a young man and a girl. That is, not as it was in ancient times - it is not families who marry, but it is young people, therefore this is their responsibility, and this is their decision, therefore no one can forbid them to do this. And no one, on the contrary, can insist that marriage be concluded in such a particular way. Therefore, probably, in order for the situation to be more peaceful, you should just talk calmly with your parents first, and understand what the problem is here, what, perhaps, prejudices, and what is this reluctance to conclude this marriage, because , there are indeed a number of prejudices in our society - against marriage, for example, with a person of a different nationality, or a person who does not belong to the same social status as the son or daughter of these parents, and so on.

Often parents, it seems to me, try to realize something in the marriage of their child that they themselves did not succeed in the family. Often, a mother simply does not want to let go of her daughter and give her to a strange young man, since the mother is left alone. Such an approach, selfish to some extent, does not allow the daughter to realize herself, does not allow her to achieve the fullness of her own female happiness. Therefore, of course, there should be family peace, because after all, together with marriage, we enter into certain relations with the relatives of our chosen one, our half, so such a peaceful dialogue is the basis for a peaceful marriage. And at the same time, of course, gently, but nevertheless confidently, one can and should say that this is my choice, I have to go through life with this person, and parents should give the child, including, and it seems to me, and the right to make a mistake, since this child is already an adult. For example, in the parable of the prodigal son, we see that the father allows his son to leave home - which was, perhaps, non-pedagogical, and from our point of view, not entirely correct - in order for the child to make mistakes and return home with this new life experience. Therefore, if God does not take away a person's freedom of choice, then even more so the freedom of choice in terms of marriage cannot be taken away from a child and his parents.

Ekaterina Anikina, presenter:

- According to the Orthodox understanding, marriage is always children, but what if the husband and wife are not yet ready for the birth of a child - for example, due to any financial or housing conditions?

Archpriest Vladimir Hulap:

Indeed, in the system of priorities of modern society and the modern family, children often end up in some very last or penultimate place - after their own housing, cars, rest, certain comfortable conditions, free time, and so on. Of course, children are the purpose of marriage. But this is not the main goal of marriage, since people enter into marriage in order to achieve unity at different levels - at the level of the body, at the level of the soul, at the level of the spiritual - to achieve this new fullness of being, but the child is the fruit of this marriage love, the fruit of conjugal love. That is, love directed at each other should not be closed by these two loving hearts. If it really is full love, joyful love, sacrificial love, it pours outward and the fruit of this love is a child. And therefore, if we look at the order of an Orthodox wedding, marriage, we see the constant request for children precisely as a gift from God, a special gift that serves to continue the human race, and at the same time a gift that gives special happiness to this family. .

After all, it often turns out that a woman - yes, all her life has been engaged in a career, making money, buying an apartment or some new gadgets, and so on. But we are not getting younger, we are getting older - this is a natural process. There comes an age when, it seems, everything is already there, you can give birth to a child, but the body is no longer capable of this. And a woman at the end of her life turns out to be a successful, successful entrepreneur who has realized herself in a variety of areas, but has not been realized in this respect - precisely in the area in which, by nature, the Lord gave her the miracle and joy of being a mother.

And of course, speaking about all these fears from the point of view of Christianity, we must remember and believe that if the Lord gives a child, He will certainly give everything that is necessary for the upbringing and development of this child. And only on the parents - not on the size of their income, but on the size and quality of their loving heart, depends on what his life will be like. And the ideal of this life is love, joy and happiness.

Ekaterina Anikina, presenter:

- On such a wonderful note, unfortunately, it's time for us to say goodbye. It's all clear to me now, thanks. Dear viewers, on our site "slovotv.ru" you can leave any question that concerns you, as well as watch all previous episodes of the Slovo program. Thank you for being with us, see you soon!

A happy family despite all trials.

The first couple of years after the marriage, the spouses experience passion, love, desire for each other. However, after some time, especially after the birth of long-awaited children, these feelings cool down. Some couples simply turn a blind eye to this and try to go with the flow, while others do not like this prospect of a relationship. And if some are trying to return family happiness and harmony to their home, others simply give up and get divorced. But is it worth taking such drastic measures? Isn't it easier to show a little prudence, and instead of looking for a new partner, try to save the marriage by returning the idyll to your own family?

What or who interferes with family happiness?

Such questions are of interest not only to couples, but also to researchers and psychologists. According to the second, family happiness is hindered not only by life, work or postpartum depression of women, but also by those around them, and often close and dear people. So, let's look at the main factors that can affect couples' marital happiness.

Life, work, children

Constant employment, routine, monotony can destroy even the strongest relationship. Moreover, it has a devastating effect on both men and women. So, the head of the family disappears for days at work in order to provide his family with everything necessary. Sooner or later, such workload exhausts psychologically. Hence breakdowns, bad mood, unwillingness to do anything, apathy, depression due to constant stress. And imagine the situation if a husband comes home after a hard day's work, and his wife starts to “nag” him, they say, he returned late, did not take out the garbage, did not fix the tap, etc. It is worth remembering that for men, the house is a fortress where he should feel needed, loved. After all, men are like children: they also need attention and love, understanding and care. Without this, a happy relationship cannot be built.

As for women, the picture does not look simpler here: everything rests on their fragile shoulders - the house, children, and sometimes the material well-being of the family. It is generally accepted that women are stronger than men psychologically. However, their “batteries” run out over time, and then this crazy hurricane is very difficult to stop. Imagine for a moment: every day a woman is torn between screaming children demanding attention, food, drink, games, etc., washing, ironing, cleaning, cooking and other “female” duties. By the evening, when there is no strength left at all, she has one desire - to rest calmly, to sleep. But a gloomy tired husband comes home and begins to criticize: either the soup is not salted enough, the shirt is not ironed, or the toys are not collected. And many generally blame the fact that the spouse sits at home for days and does nothing. Has anyone ever wondered where the cooked lunch or dinner came from on the stove? Who irons and evenly folds the linen on the shelves of the closet? Why is the dirty dishes not propped up by the gander of the faucet, but beautifully arranged in their places? And how many times a day do you need to walk with a vacuum cleaner, removing the consequences of the kids' games? But all this takes a lot of time and effort, and not so much physical as moral.

From all that has been said, the only conclusion follows: both spouses get tired equally (of course, provided that everyone is fully occupied with their duties). Therefore, to blame someone for idleness is stupid. Show understanding, try to help each other, be interested in the affairs of your soul mate. Be careful and, perhaps, less demanding, because sometimes we want from our beloved (beloved) the difficult or even impossible, which leads to conflict situations, resentment. Rest more together: walk with the whole family, have fun, stay alone, send the children to grandparents, arrange romantic evenings, make small surprises. This is not difficult at all, but such actions will help maintain family relationships at the romantic stage that they were before marriage or immediately after it. It is equally important to believe and trust your partner. Respect him/her. It is these feelings that are the basis of a happy marriage.

Spouses' parents

You can talk forever about the relationship of spouses with their parents. Some are lucky with them, others not so much. What does it mean "lucky" or not? In the first case, mothers-in-law and mothers-in-law (respectively, fathers-in-law and fathers-in-law) do not interfere in the relationship of the newlyweds - and this is the correct position in the opinion of many couples. Yes, they can sometimes give good advice, and young people will definitely take it into account. But this happens infrequently and, most importantly, unobtrusively.

In the second case, "bad luck" is the total control of the parents over the young. Not a single step of the spouses goes unnoticed. All actions related to everyday life, raising children, cooking, and even relations between young people are carefully controlled and adjusted in their own way by mother-in-law and mother-in-law (as a rule, fathers do not participate in such intrigues). What happens in a young family? Complete discord, scandals, tears, divorce. None of the spouses can withstand such an onslaught. When a family collapses due to the fault of their parents, young people are convinced that they simply did not fit together, although in fact it was the parents who made efforts to break the once happy family.

Is it possible to get rid of total parental control? You can, but you need to show firmness of character, be patient. Try to explain to your mother-in-law / mother-in-law that you are adults and independent people, that your family is YOUR family, and that you are responsible for it, and you know how to act in this or that situation. Of course, you should not refuse the help of your parents if you really need it. Limiting the communication of your children with their parents is also not worth it - this will aggravate the situation, a new conflict will appear, and much more seriously. And remember, if you decide to declare your own independence, then you are now responsible for your every action.

Sisters and brothers of spouses

We may not even suspect that our younger brothers or sisters can become the destroyers of our marriage. It would seem that the usual guardianship over them will not bring any harm. But when these family relationships become a burden, action must be taken, otherwise the ideal family relationship will burst like a soap bubble.

What to do? Find an activity for your brother/sister that will distract him/her from your relationship. Does he/she constantly ask for money? Help me find a decent and interesting job. Staying up at your house until late, preventing you from enjoying each other alone? Present a dog or other animal - now he / she will have something to do in his free time. Another option is to give birth to a child, then the problem with an obsessive relative will be solved by itself.

Friends and comrades

Both spouses need rest and relaxation. And friends in this matter are the main assistants. But not always the spouse or spouse accept friends of their half. Husbands are not satisfied with too frank or eccentric girlfriends of the wife, and wives - rude or too cheeky friends of the husband. Often friends and comrades take a lot of time from married couples: either the wife and girlfriend disappear in cafes or shops, or the husband leaves for the whole weekend hunting or fishing. But ideally, spouses should spend their free time together in order to keep that invisible connection that once reunited them.

Of course, spouses need to rest even from each other. But this should not be done as often as it usually happens. Still, family, children and a loved one should remain a priority.

Hobbies and hobbies

Today, many men (and some women too) are addicted to computer games. Sometimes this hobby turns into a real gaming addiction. Such a person is not interested in anything else: neither family, nor work, nor communication in reality. The virtual world is everything for him: his wife, children, and parents.

If an addict cannot overcome his passion for games or other activities in which he is very fanatic, marriage with him is doomed to failure. What can be done? The very first thing is to talk frankly with him, looking into his eyes, without reproaches, screams, insults. Let him know that he is dear to you, as well as the relationship with him. Help overcome this addiction, because together it is easier to fight than to cope with problems alone. Give it a chance, and you will be able to keep happiness in your family, even if it will be very difficult to do so.

If the passion is gone...

There are many factors that influence the relationship of spouses. And if earlier the touches of the second half caused delight, a storm of emotions, and now you feel only irritation, then we can say that passion has left your relationship. Can it be returned? Psychologists are sure that it is possible. But why does passion leave a relationship? There are several reasons for this:

1. Lack of romance. Often, spouses become bored, forget to pamper each other with gifts, make surprises, and prefer watching TV or sitting at the computer to a fun vacation or a walk in the park.
2. Accumulation of grievances and claims to each other. Often, in a fit of anger, the spouse says nasty things to each other, which are difficult to forget. Isn't it better to resolve conflicts in calm tones, coming to a common consensus that will satisfy both?
3. Banal habit. When the feeling of novelty disappears, the relationship becomes mundane, boring. Imperceptibly, the spouses begin to annoy each other, and soon hate each other. Correcting such a situation is almost impossible.

In order not to completely destroy family relationships, you should adhere to certain rules that psychologists advise. But be prepared for the fact that you will need a lot of effort and patience.

Using these tips in combination, you can achieve harmony, brightness and reciprocity in relations with your partner.

Secrets of a happy family life

Even despite the sad statistics of divorce, you can save your own family, but you will need to make a lot of effort. The main thing is to follow the advice of psychologists, and then a long happy family life is guaranteed to you.

1. Be emotionally responsive and available. Always respond to your partner's requests, don't blame, don't close, don't ridicule. Be a helper, like-minded person, support, adviser. Emotional responsiveness and availability in a married couple should be mutual.
2. Accept your partner's differences and see them as real. Many people associate love with similarity. There is a feeling that partners think the same way, feel the same things, say similar things, but it only creates the illusion of unity, closeness and security. In such a relationship, any disagreement or dissimilarity is perceived painfully. Any difference must be accepted and respected by the partners for granted. Consider these differences, and learn to accept a person as he is. Only then will there be harmony in the relationship.
3. Know how to cooperate and come to an agreement. Help each other, respond positively to requests, discuss plans for the future together, look for compromises. If there are controversial points, do not be afraid to discuss them and express your own opinion - this will help in the end to come to a common decision. And if you agree to something, follow these agreements by all means.
4. Do not interfere, but contribute to the self-development of your partner. Interaction is the success of marriage. Happy spouses are those partners who, by common efforts, were able to achieve certain successes that they would not have been able to achieve alone.
5. Treat many things lightly and with humor. Life is short, and you should not waste it on quarrels, ridiculous showdowns, omissions, stupid accusations. If there was any frivolous embarrassment - translate everything into a joke, laugh, get distracted. After all, pleasant emotions and laughter quickly defuse the situation, destroy the negative, tune in to a positive wave.
6. Organize your life properly. Household duties can be divided among all family members, and how you do it is up to you. The main thing is that in the future everyone is responsible for his zone, without transferring his duties to another. Of course, it is possible, and even necessary, to help a loved one, but do not consider your merits to everyone, take it as a voluntary contribution to family coziness and comfort.

Mother Galina Filippovna Sokolova is an amazing bright person. The widow of the famous Moscow priest Feodor Sokolov, for 7 years she has been raising 9 children alone. Her eldest daughters are already married, they are raising their children, the eldest son is serving in the army. Probably, there were few easy days in the life of my mother: during the life of Fr. Theodore, who raised more than one large parish, all his strength was spent on the construction of the temple of God, there was often no money in the house. With the departure of the father, the parish was orphaned, but even in the most difficult days, mother found the strength to console, help, approve.

You can read more about the life of the Sokolov family, about how mother Galina and future father Theodore met in the article ” " and " “. On our website you can read other conversations with mother Galina: , .

This time we asked mother to tell her about how to find family happiness, how to start a family correctly and keep it from breaking up.

Recently, His Holiness the Patriarch said on Radio Radonezh that the institution of the family is being destroyed in our country. I listened and thought that if the Lamp of our Church says such words, it means that it is truly so. It is evident that both the Patriarch and our Church are worried about how young people live, what goals they have, what views they have, what they want from life.

I saw different youth, different families: happy and not so happy. Everyone has their own family, after all. It is necessary to watch from childhood how people's lives developed, maybe mistakes were made somewhere. And it happens that parents give everything they can to their children: both faith and an honest, hard-working, moral life - and one of the children, growing up, can go astray from the good path. And before you can again be in the bosom of the home church, you need to endure a lot of adversity, to see the world with different eyes.

Girls from our parish, their parents, once approached me, asking me to pray: the girl graduated from the institute, she would like to find a husband. Of course, you are very sympathetic, seeing that both the parents are good, and the daughter is good, and she wants happiness. But how to find family happiness?

Elder Paisius Svyatogorets has a book called “Family Life”, which, I think, should become a reference book in every family. It can be read and re-read, especially for young people - it is so deep and comprehensive, everything in it is laid out in order. It can be used as a lifeline. If you feel that something is wrong in the family, take this book as soon as possible and read it. You will not only learn something useful, but even the peaceful spirit of the book will be transferred to you. You will calm down, you will immediately see your guilt, peace and silence will be restored in the family. I think young people should definitely have this book.

I think every person has their own half. And you need to be prepared to meet her. Of course, when a person is born, the Lord already knows his future, but still He gives the opportunity to choose his path. There is always a choice of which path to take.

Mother's Prayer

There are, of course, God's chosen ones who are given to help us - these are well-known saints. The Lord chose them, seeing the parental feat, and their parents were already lamplighters. The Lord chose them so that later they could pray for the whole world, help us with their prayer and help. They lead us through life, we protect ourselves by their intercessions before the Lord, by their love. Here you ask Saint Nicholas: “Saint Nicholas, help me, dear. You are a friend of Christ, you are his chosen one of God, given to us by God. Don't leave me, help me, you see everything and know everything.

Their path was determined by God, but in life people have freedom. In any life issue, a person has a choice: how to act, how to behave, what to choose in life. And there is always a choice of how to act: according to the will of God or according to your own whim, according to your own stubbornness. Mom tells children, for example, 16-17 years old, that you need to do this, I feel that way in my soul, you better come here here, but you don’t want to, it’s not accepted by children. I want to go through some bumps and snowdrifts, so that after a while I understand that I did wrong. Maybe the Lord gives such bumps so that later a person rushes to the Lord, repentance and correct his life? The Church accepts such repentance, and everything can happen in life. But what about parents? After all, they care so much for the children.

There are 9 children in one family, and they are all different, although there is one family, one was laid, one outlook on life, one goal. If you are a Christian, you give birth to children for the Kingdom of Heaven and you need to bring the children that God has given you for the duration of this life to eternal life. And their parents, of course, are responsible for them. And when you advise something, but it is not perceived, pain appears. So the mother's prayer is born, through suffering. It is impossible without suffering, without sorrow.

If we talk about today's youth, I saw different things: the youth of our parish, my children, their friends. At school age, we were friends, went to church, prayed, walked together - lived one life. When the school ended, everyone fled in all directions, and there were already some new meetings, friends. They hear different opinions and, out of weakness of spirit, accept them. This is where the path is chosen: the one you lived before or the one you are now facing. You are weak, you want something easier, and new friends don’t seem to do anything so bad, so you follow them. And so you go off your path gradually, - the enemy is cunning, imperceptibly pushes you out of the way. It seems like it's normal - you can do a lot, but others do it too. And so, by this gradualness, many departed from the Church, from the faith, and then completely lost.

Daughters are future mothers

The leaven and foundation for life is given only in the family, and this is the most important thing for a person. Therefore, the way of the family is very important, how parents live among themselves. The child repeats his parents, their words and expressions - absorbs everything into himself. When he grows up, friends also play an important role for him. This is where the struggle between matter and spirit begins. And God grant wisdom, patience and love!

There used to be a tradition of family house-building. The boys were given to study, so that he could do a lot with his hands, so that his hands would become golden, and what he did not touch, it went well in his hands - he could do any work. In such work, the spirit, strength, and confidence are strengthened. When a person works with his hands, he gains patience. And patience is simply necessary in human life. Thanks to this, he will be able to take someone under his wing. They always tried to teach girls how to run a household so that she could do a lot with her hands - sewing, embroidering, cooking, washing. Now we have come to the conclusion that we have completely destroyed the traditions of house-building.

How did the mother teach her daughter? From what age should a daughter already take care of herself, her thoughts, desires? After all, a mother always sees her daughter, the talents that God gave her, which need to be developed and directed. So that my daughter would try harder on this, so that later she could give to people, to God. After all, every person has a lot of talents, and we don’t even know that we have them. If a person lives a good life, then the Lord reveals all the talents in a person, throughout his life, even if he has no education. So mom goes to talk with her daughter, they open up to each other. Also with sons. It is desirable that dad talks with sons, but mom also plays a very important role.

That's how it is with our girls. I always tried to set them up for the fact that they are future mothers. For the first time I felt real help from my eldest daughter at the age of 10. From the age of 10, I began to tell her that she was a future mother and housewife, and she had to learn a lot to do. I always lived at home with the children, so I always knew what they were talking about, I always heard how they communicate with each other. A simple situation - Liza or Natasha, they were still small, sitting on the sofa, I go into the room, and they are in some kind of position: whether the dress is pulled up, or they are sitting on their leg. I always paid attention to this, I said: well, sit down decently, you are a girl, straighten your dress, remember that the Lord is always before you, He is always looking at you. This is all very important.

Of course, they always help in the kitchen in everything, participate. Since our children were born, the elders were responsible for the younger ones in everything. I taught them how to feed and swaddle, how to take care of the baby and how to put him down, explained why the baby was crying. I have always cooked them.

She herself always prayed that the Lord would give them a good husband, a Christian, so that everything would be fine with them. I always asked the Lord, the Mother of God, the Saints, whom you know, whom you trust, who are in your heart.

Here, for example, Lyubochka. When I asked her what she asks for, when she approaches the relics, when she prays in front of the icons. She answered - she asks the Lord to send her a good husband, and this is already at the age of 13. It was a simple childish prayer. They saw our relationship with dad when he was still alive. Lyubochka is now only 17 years old, and the Lord has already sent her a very kind and very deeply religious person, a future priest, we have known him for more than 10 years.

We must surrender ourselves to the will of God

I think that it is impossible to make a goal out of finding your soul mate. And you have to surrender yourself to the Will of God. Yet from the Lord, we do not do everything from ourselves.

It is very important here, when a girl wants to get married, that the girl first of all prays herself. If the parents are good, they also pray, submit notes, take on the feat. I saw many parents who begged their daughters for a husband, refused some pleasures until the moment when the daughter finds a husband. And the Lord always sent.

I knew one girl who every year on January 1, at a time when everyone was walking around after New Year's Eve, and she was driving to the Komsomolskaya station early in the morning at half past five. And from there - to Sergiev Posad to St. Sergius. And there she begged him to send her a good husband, faithful to God. So she went for six years. She was very quiet and humble, just praying. And the Lord sent her a very good little man, and I know that everything will be fine soon.

There are many Saints. And what is our Saint Nicholas for? He is also the Organizer, He is such a Quick Helper.

I heard a lot about the guys from the Seminary. They only need to get married once. And nowadays it is very difficult to choose. There are cases when at first everything is fine, meets, loves, goes to the temple, good, there are no minuses. They get married, and she says that she has done her job, prayed and stops working spiritually. Everything happens in life. Or after marriage they say that if they knew what awaits, they would never marry priests. After all, being a mother is a lot of work. And not everyone can work. So, a man of weak faith. Where do you think your love has gone? Many questions arise. Have you thought about the future of this person, because he cannot marry a second time. A lot of problems then appear. Therefore, it happens that the guys for all 5 years, while studying, go to the Mother of God to bow: “Mother of God, send me a good mother in my life.” So he entrusts himself to Her, that She sends them. Many people do this. Who are the Mothers of God, who are praying to St. Nicholas. So every day: "Send me a good one, send me a good one." For such humility and is given. Every time you drip, drip, and someday the bucket will overflow.

If, of course, you will demand from the Lord - give me now - then, of course, you will not receive it. And if with humility... watch with what feeling you stand before the Lord... after all, He looks at your heart, what is in your heart, in your soul? Do you demand your whim? Or maybe you're not ready yet? Or maybe you have poor health, and you can’t bear a strong child, maybe you still need to live alone for a year, so that the Lord everything inside, thanks to Communion, invisible to us, corrects everything. The Lord cares about each of us, wants good for everyone.

In addition, there should not be high expectations from the future chosen one. If you invent everything for yourself, it will be very difficult to find such a person. And you pray to the Lord, give yourself into His hands, let Him give you the person you need. So you met a man, you must show his parents, confessor, or maybe they will feel something wrong. You still need to get their blessing. Maybe the parents will understand that he looks at life in a completely different way, but you have not seen it yet. You need to tell your daughter carefully. You take your time. Wait, calmly, take a walk, do not promise anything, look at how he is. Can he be your patron, the father of your children? Maybe he just wants to have fun, not getting married, not signing. There's a lot here. Here both the soul and the heart should prompt - if you sincerely pray.

Although I did not have an inner realization that Fedyusha was my man, when I met him, I was still just a child, I knew little about life. I graduated from the 10th grade in a deaf village. Somehow I got into their kitchen ... by God's providence, of course. I work there, washing dishes, and suddenly such a young man saw me. Father Fedor always told everyone if he was asked that he believes in love at first sight, because that's how he fell in love with me.

So you need to rely on the Will of God. You need to ask the Lord, not to demand, but to ask, because you believe in the Lord, trust Him.

Girls mistake

Right now, some girls, young people, have rushed to make a career for themselves so much that they forget about the most important thing. We will not touch the boys, because they have to get a profession and support a family, while girls have a different purpose. It turns out that she herself does not give herself into the hands of God, but believes that she must first unlearn, and only then think about marriage. 5 years pass, and with graduate school, and all 7. You are already 25-27, you already want to get married, but already difficulties come. Time goes by, everyone travels abroad, learns languages, and now I will also do a second education for myself. At that time, young people surround you, pay attention to you, and you pay attention to them. So, you are already losing your purity of soul anyway.

Here's how one girl - she is now dating a boy, but she is not going to marry him. Why meet then? She replies that she needs to find out what guys are, what their views are, what are the pros and cons. Can a Christian think like that? Of course not. Every person has pros and cons. Only love can help overcome them! And by the grace of God, you will never see cons in this person! Elder Paisius said that this is how the Lord determines that one is hot himself, and the wife is meek, quiet, humble. After all, it is God's gift to have such a wife, then they get along with each other. She humbles herself, she sees his qualities that she does not have. She approves that he is what he is and bears his weakness on herself. She will save herself, and he is saved by this. He is surprised at her meekness, he loves her for it, he is ready to lay down his life for her. Or, for example, the wife is obstinate, then the husband must be humble so that he remembers that he still loves her, no matter what she is. There is pride in her, but there is something else, she is the mother of his children. With her, he is before God, which means he deserved such a wife. It means that in his youth he behaved, perhaps incorrectly, with his mother. Such a wife was given to him by God for salvation. And the children, seeing the harmonious relationship of their parents, they are surprised, they come out very good.

This is the mistake of girls who strive to get an education, during this time they walk with the guys, they lose and scatter what God has given them, and then they are left with nothing.

Some girls, young people, are trying to build a career. I even know a girl who says she can't afford marriage right now because she's building a career. At the same time she walks with the guys. I warn her that this will not lead to anything good. If she really wants to get married, then she should seriously look at the guys. If a Christian, then try to find a person with whom she would have the same goal in life. If the spirit is different, then very great difficulties always arise in family life. And not everyone can bear such a cross.

In the family - one spirit

The spirit is what a person strives for in life, what is his goal and his life itself. And if we are talking about Christians, then the goal of our life is to reach the Kingdom of Heaven, to try in our lives to bring good to the people around us, to be merciful to them, to try to help them. Therefore, the husband must be of the same spirit with you, so that his goal would be the same. After all, you need to educate your children in faith, in love for God and for people, but not for this life. Many parents tell their children to enjoy and live this life, because we only live once.

And what is the goal of the chosen one? And he may want something completely different. He may want to buy something, want to go somewhere, dress in a completely different way. After all, if you now live for this world, it means that you cannot be the same as you are now, modest, which means that you need to behave in a completely different way. Now a person is often accepted in society by what company a person has on his clothes. But the most important thing is what kind of soul, what kind of heart a person has. So think about what kind of husband you want to choose for yourself.

If you choose a husband of other values, you will live for a year and see that he is not happy with you, because of this you cannot go to a bar, lead an easier life. Then he will go to the left, to another woman, and you have a child, and you get unhappy children and wives. It happens, but rarely, that through some trials a husband comes to faith through a believing wife. After all, the apostle Paul says that the unbeliever is illuminated by a believing wife. It is necessary to be 100% sure that your chosen one is a moral person. The law of God rests on morality, doesn't it? It is necessary that he be kind, that his heart be kind, that he be merciful. Then we can already say that he is Christ. Then you are a wife, a Christian, and he still does not believe in Christ, but he sees your life. And he can follow you and be sanctified by you. And if this person has a different inner content, then there will be great difficulties.

What is family?! It would seem that the answer is obvious. A family is two people who love each other and are bound by marriage. But very often, in order to keep a family strong and friendly, love alone is not enough.

In family relationships, it is very important to be able to "work in a team." To be support and support for the spouse in everything, sometimes even stepping over yourself and your interests. It is also very important to be able to talk with a partner. Willingness to solve problems and compromise. But do not forget about the intimate component of marriage. After all, touching a loved one and good sex with him, at times, can solve even the most serious problems.

All couples face difficulties in family life, and, unfortunately, the majority give up already at the first everyday troubles. But those who take the trouble to make some effort will be rewarded with true harmony in family life.

The first difficulties lie in wait for the family at the very beginning of marriage - the so-called crisis of 3 years of marriage. It is associated with the appearance of the first-born in the family. A young mother begins to pay all her attention to a new family member, and dad begins to think that her beloved has lost all interest in him.

Increasingly, the news of the birth of a child becomes a surprise for future parents. And keeping a family in such a situation can be quite difficult. As a rule, in such a situation, dad continues to lead his usual way of life, and all responsibility falls on the fragile mother's shoulders. Often, postpartum depression is added to this. In such a difficult situation, a young mother can only patiently and calmly explain to her husband how important her husband's help and support is for her.

Try to gently and unobtrusively create conditions for the baby and dad to spend more time together. This will help to "turn on" the father's instinct in the father and establish communication with the child. Then the relationship between the spouses will gradually improve, and the issue of preserving the marriage will not be so acute.

If the pregnancy was planned by the couple in advance, and the child was born desired, then it is quite simple to save the family after the birth of the child. Young parents just need to reasonably approach the distribution of responsibilities for caring for a little person.

By caring for a baby together, a husband and wife will spend more time with each other than if someone does it alone. By consulting and making decisions together, you will learn to better understand each other and develop common approaches and views on raising your child.

The rational distribution of responsibilities has several other huge advantages.

1. Firstly, a busy dad will no longer feel abandoned and useless, and the baby’s love will to some extent compensate for the lack of attention from his wife.
2. Secondly When mom is freed from some of the trouble, she will become less tired, which means that her mood will improve, her strength and desire to pay attention to her husband will increase.

But sometimes all the tricks are in vain, and the husband "goes to the left." Then a natural question arises before every loving woman: how to save a family if her husband has cheated?

To save a marriage after the infidelity of a spouse, you first of all have to decide: can you forgive the betrayal? If the answer is no, then you should just leave. No matter how painful and difficult it may be for you. It is impossible to live with a person if a feeling of resentment gnaws from day to day, and each time you mentally imagine your husband in the arms of another.

If you are still ready to forgive adultery and never return to this page of your life, then you should first understand why this happened. Try to analyze your communication and relationships lately. Think about how you could offend your loved one? What advantages did he find in sex on the side?

Distract yourself from the thought that you cheated with someone. Focus on the fact that cheating is resentment spilled over the edge and dissatisfaction with family relationships. If you yourself have not been able to find the cause, then talk to your husband. But you should seriously prepare for this kind of conversation: set yourself up for the fact that all emotions should be left aside. The calmer your conversation goes, the more constructive it will turn out. Turn to the ear, do not interrupt the man, and then he will tell you everything.

When all the i's are dotted, still do not rush to turn on emotions. No matter how paradoxical it may sound, feelings are not always a good adviser in love affairs, and even more so in family matters. Try to develop a business approach to the current situation.

Draw up a detailed plan of action on a piece of paper. Your husband voiced your completeness?! So, point number 1 is to sign up for fitness or a gym. No money?! Well, he found money for his mistress, you will certainly find money for yourself! In the most extreme case, no one canceled a run in the park and a sports campus at the school stadium. And in this way, go through all the points voiced by your spouse.

No one will argue that the institution of marriage is now in a serious crisis. Many couples, having lived together for several years, realize that marriage was a mistake, and there really was no love.

Some families break up due to numerous problems that gradually kill the love of one of the spouses.

First, try to find out if this is true or if you are just winding yourself up. Women, for the most part, tend to dramatize and look for a problem where there is none. Perhaps your spouse is not doing well right now or fatigue has accumulated. Then just stay close to him, make it clear - no matter what, you are his support and support.

If you are 100% sure that there are no more old feelings, you should seriously think about whether you love him, or whether it was a serious, but still temporary hobby. In this case, it may not make sense to keep the family. Wasting time trying to save something that isn't there can leave you missing out on the person you really are.

If, nevertheless, this is love, and it was mutual, but for some reason your spouse has cooled off, and you are sure of the desire to save your family, then start comparing.

Compare the woman your husband fell in love with at the beginning of your relationship with the real you. Is the difference significant? Are you superior to that woman in everything? Just try to be as honest with yourself as possible.

From your cunning, the current situation will not improve. During the comparison, do not stoop to the comparison "and I to him - and he to me." This is counterproductive! After all, it is you who want your husband to love you again, so the whole initiative should come solely from you, and all responsibility for this is also on you.

The easiest way is not to restore cooled feelings, but to fall in love with your husband again. Especially since you've already done it once. So the second time will be much easier.

Do not be reminded that men love with their eyes. Therefore, first of all, change your appearance. Just don't overdo it. You should please the eye, not shock.

Almost all men love sex. And your task is to return this sex to your life. If it is, then you need to make it interesting and diverse. Even if you have been together for many years, then in the intimate sphere you will still have something to try new. Perhaps your spouse has an old erotic fantasy. It's time to implement it. The more touches, including intimate ones, in your family life, the faster you will get closer again.

Men don't grow up. And you, like no one else, know the preferences of your big child. Pamper him! Give him something that he has been dreaming of for so long, but until now it has remained out of reach for him.

If you have been together for many years and in the heat of everyday troubles have become very distant from each other, then try to return common interests to your life. Ask how your day went. Perhaps your spouse has new hobbies - take an active part in them. Try to spend more time together. You can just walk or do some common business.

But do not force your loved one to spend time with you or do something that he does not like. Love cannot be forced! But a wise woman will always find a way to veil her desires and push a man in the right direction.

Try to bring romance back into your relationship. Your main task is to color the gray everyday life. Regain interest in you as a woman.

In order to return his love, you need to prove to your husband again that you really need him and is very important to you. That you still love him very much. And only you know how to do this best, because no one knows your husband better than you.

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How to create a strong family? Advice for women

O strong family all girls dream. If you want to get married, then for life. However, the statistics of divorces in our country says that far from everyone can create a strong family. Let's talk about what is necessary for your family relationships to become, if not ideal, but strong and durable.

In order for a family to become strong, it is necessary to learn how to solve all issues and problems together, get out of family quarrels even stronger, learn to put the interests of the family at the forefront. All of the above is very difficult to do. To do this, you need to have a very strong character, be smart, reasonable and know that you can destroy any union in a few minutes, but create a new one ... this may take you a lifetime. So let's learn to be wiser.

1. The main rule of any strong family- this is keep love and respect under any circumstances. So don't let yourself break this rule. Remember, if you have chosen a person and married him, then you must treat him reverently with respect and love. If you allow yourself to humiliate your husband, then at the same time you will humiliate your relationship and yourself. After all, you chose him as your wife. Believe me, you can forgive a lot, even humiliation, but after that, relations change very much.

2. The next rule of a strong family is be able to quarrel. Do not think that you will be able to avoid conflicts with your spouse, no family is complete without quarrels and showdowns. The main thing is to put up with it correctly and be able to draw conclusions after that. In any conflict, two people are to blame. Therefore, not only do you have to understand the reason why your family quarrel turned out, you also have to resolve it and draw conclusions for the future. All you need for this is a sober look at things and a calm conversation with your half. In order for your look to be really sober, so that your resentment does not cover it, give yourself and your spouse time to cool down before reconciling. Your emotions should subside. Because in a fit of anger, you can say too much to each other, and then it will be hard to forget many of the words spoken.

3. Another rule of a strong family is forgiveness. Believe me, there are no perfect men, just like women. Everyone makes mistakes in their life. Therefore, if you want to be a wise woman, save your family, make it stronger, then learn to forgive. Your spouse can offend you, forget about your holiday, say a rude phrase. Think about what prompted him to do this, what is the reason for this behavior. Try to understand and forgive him.

4. An important rule of a strong family - be able to turn a blind eye to shortcomings. Are you tired of your spouse throwing socks around the apartment? Or tired that he does not remove the dishes from the table after he eats? Are you arguing with him? Have you set your teeth on edge, proving to him where to put his things? Think about what costs you more - yell at him, sort things out, or quickly put the dishes in the sink, throw your socks in the basket, put things in their place? Perhaps some of the shortcomings you do better to learn to ignore. Believe me, men also turn a blind eye to many things. Think at least about your cosmetics, which are placed throughout the apartment. Therefore, be more forgiving.

5. The fifth and last rule on our list is respect for the family of your chosen one. Whatever relationship you have with your father-in-law, always remember that it was they who raised and raised your husband, they gave him a lot. The main advantage of many women is the ability to endure. Therefore, be strong, never allow yourself to speak badly about your husband's parents.

If you want your family to be strong, so that it is not afraid of any trials, then you need to work on yourself, on your relationships, learn to love, respect, understand, forgive your spouse. After all, the strength of your relationship depends only on you.

According to statistics, today every third marriage breaks up. Therefore, there are a lot of divorced men with the luggage of family life now. Often women are critical of relationships with such men. Their fears are based on the assumption that something is wrong with a man, that women do not leave good husbands. In this article, we will help you figure out whether it is worth fearing an affair with a divorced man and starting a family with him.

How to start a family

Having met a man who has a life story behind him with another family, many women ask themselves: how to build relationships with him? In order for a romance and possible marriage with a divorced man to be healthy and bring happiness, you need to realize several important points.

Marriage is crumbling for different reasons. For example, one or both spouses neglect their duties: one of them cheats, drinks, or does not want to work. The mismatch of characters and life orientations, the fading of interest in each other and quarrels on domestic grounds are, although less serious, but frequent causes of divorce. In this regard, you should not be wary and prejudiced against bachelors with experience of an unsuccessful marriage.

How to build a relationship with a divorced man

1. At the very beginning of your relationship, try to delicately find out reasons for divorce and imagine yourself in the place of a man. And if the reason is in him, then he will blame anyone but himself for the collapse of the marriage. Shifting all the blame to the other side is a very dangerous bell. The choice is yours: accept the person as he is and not try to fix him, or not enter into any relationship with him at all.

   If possible, ask his friends, relatives, acquaintances if the reason for the breakup was cruelty on the part of the man, alcoholism, betrayal, refusal to have children and provide for the family. In these cases, it is better to avoid contact with such a person. It will be a stupid mistake for many women to think that the same story will not repeat with them.

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2. Remember that no matter how unbearable the thought of another family of your chosen one may be for you, you cannot change his past. Even if he wanted it too. If it's hard for you to come to terms with the fact that a man had beloved woman with whom he felt good, it’s better not to even start a relationship.

   If his ex-wife is still remarried, you can be sure that she will constantly need help in doing some kind of male work. Don't think she's asking her ex-husband to do this to annoy you. She just got used to relying on him in these matters.

   Wise and mature man knows how to maintain normal friendly relations with his ex-wife. Here you need to rejoice, and not pull the blanket over yourself. The only right decision on your part will be to understand and accept your chosen one along with his past.

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3. Any woman, and even more so a mother, after a divorce, is looking not only for a husband for herself, but also for a new father for her children. She needs someone who will love children and take care of them as if they were her own. With divorced men, the situation is the same: if a woman refuses to accept his children, then she is not suitable for the role of a permanent partner. And here no scandals and ultimatums can alienate a man from his former family, keep him from meeting children and communicating with them.

   Moreover, it is desirable to make friends with his children and take an active part in their life. Go to the cinema and ice cream with them, joint leisure will help you to establish contact with his children and establish trusting relationship. Do not try to compete with their mother, but try to become a close and respected person for them.

   Psychologists say that if a woman is disgusted by the children of her partner from a previous marriage, then she does not love him. The lack of warm feelings for the continuation of your beloved man promises only problems in the future.

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4. Of course, you, like every woman, are pleased to know that the ex-wife of your beloved was "mymra". Stop flirting with pride and judge sensibly: after all, he chose this woman, admired her, offered her a hand and a heart, and now he is pouring mud? It is possible that this may happen to you, and he will complain to another mistress about your shortcomings.

   Be wary if a man compares you with an ex, focuses on your advantages over her. Most likely, this behavior is an attempt to prove something to the previous partner, and not to build a separate relationship with you. Stop unnecessary complaints and attempts to make you your friendly "vest for tears", do not let him assert himself at your expense.

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While it's important to know about your partner's past marriage, it's important to remember that both you and your partner behave differently in a new relationship. Perhaps your union will open new sides in a man that are not known to him. Therefore, you should not get involved in detective work, but just enjoy your relationship.