Labkovsky Mikhail about children. Mikhail Labkovsky on the competent upbringing of children

Educational issues scare not only young and inexperienced parents. The need to understand the nuances of the psychology of children and adolescents makes hair stand on end even for experienced moms and dads.

And even Mikhail Labkovsky calls the teenage period the most difficult in a person's life. "Letidor" carefully listened to the consultation and chose the 8 most interesting and unusual thoughts of the psychologist. We hope that his thoughts and advice will help to better understand adolescents.

What are the criteria to understand whether a 6-year-old child is ready for school?

In Russia there are so-called ZUMs (abbreviated as knowledge, skills, skills). For example, your child in the second quarter of the first grade should read 120 characters per minute, answer questions about what they read, and so on. In my life, in addition to 10 years of work at the school, I also went on excursions to two schools - in Israel and in English.

Their elementary school lasts 6 years instead of 4 years. And they absolutely do not care who is at what level of development. There are children there who in the 2nd grade know the program of the 6th grade, and there are those who in the 5th grade do not know the program of the 1st grade. They believe that these are features of age development, and do not consider this a problem. There is no such thing in Russia: there are very strict rules here. Well, respectively, the output is the same result: 50% - performance in elementary school, 11% - in secondary. Do you understand what 11% is? That is, 89% of children do not learn the program at all.

For a boy, the main thing is that he be tall and healthy. That is all that is required of him. Because if he is small, he will simply be beaten up on September 1st.

As a psychologist, I can say that physical development plays a really important role for a boy, and not social, psychological, mental, and so on. If he can fight back with his classmates, let him go to school.

How to behave with a 7-year-old child for whom there are no authorities?

First, he can be punished. The child does not have authorities, but there certainly are values. To understand what is wrong with a child - a lack of authority or a problem with communication - you need to ask him to draw a person on a piece of paper. If you see that there are no ears, mouth, eyes, fingers, or anything from this spectrum, for example, ears, then the child does not really hear you. This is exactly how it should be accepted. He is even younger in terms of his development (7 years old) in terms of communication.

If a child (12 years old) does not want to go in for sports, how to understand at what moment you need to listen to his desire, and at what moment - to insist on your own?

What is there to understand? The child does not want to work! There is never a need to force. Now you need to let go of everything and generally not take the child anywhere. If after some time the child expressed a desire, and you drive him and pay money for him, then just tell him directly: “What does “I want” or “I don’t want” mean? Let's agree this: if you go for a month or two, then we continue. As soon as I said “I don’t want to”, we don’t do anything further.” Then the child will have at least some responsibility.

In child psychology, at the age of 12, a circle of interests is already formed. He is not 5 years old and not 8. But due to the fact that he is forced, he continues to behave like a 5-year-old. Because he does not understand what he wants, because from the very beginning it was imposed on him.

Give the child the opportunity to choose, do not put pressure on him. And only after that, not only call for responsibility, but simply set a condition: either the child is engaged, or this topic will be closed.

How important is it to unconditionally accept everything that a child says?

About trust. If a child is lying, then he has a reason for this. He feels that way, and it's already true. If some event that the child talks about did not happen, but he says so, he has a reason for that. In this sense, you have to trust him.

My friend has a small child (5.5 years old). He takes him to the preparatory group at school. The child is such a bully - he began to throw other people's briefcases over the fence. He was punished, his father was called. Then the father and son get into the car, and the child says to him: “Dad, you and I have the same blood, right? Who are you going to believe?" The child is right.

In order for you to have a trusting relationship with your child, you need to keep the following in mind. First, you need to close your mouth. Children should be allowed to speak as much as they want. At the same time, do not insert replicas like “What did you think?”, “We told you.” You should just listen silently to what the child is saying.

It's like with cats and dogs. If you do not wave your arms, then the animal will do. As soon as you start showing activity, they run away. It's the same with children. If you interrupt all the time and say what you think about it when you are not asked, that's all.

So, first, you need to be patient, close your mouth and listen to what the child is saying. Secondly, this is the most difficult thing: to continue not to open your mouth until he asks you.

How to influence a 10-year-old girl who is prone to fullness?

If the doctor did not find any hormonal disorders, then the only reason for her overeating is the nervous condition that she seizes. With what it is connected, I cannot say. If there is no obesity and the doctor does not say to go on a diet urgently, then let him eat for health.

The very idea that you need to do something quickly, because you will grow up scary, is the road to anorexia.

Don't focus on food at all. This is not a problem for the reason that she has not even started her period yet.

What if the child reacts aggressively to the fact that the parents take away the phone from him and delete the games?

Well, firstly, he already needs to be taken to a child psychologist, because this drug addiction has begun. On one of the TV channels there is a program "Honey, we are killing children." It was not so long ago shown how a mother takes a laptop from a 10-year-old child, and he fights and swears. And this is already drug addiction, or rather gambling addiction - gambling addiction. There are centers where specialists deal with such children.

Warm, friendly relations with their own children - perhaps the ultimate dream of any parent. What is needed for this? Just stop patronizing, making endless suggestions and moralizing.

In practice, it turns out that it is easier said than done.

While the child is small, everything goes according to plan: thanks to your efforts, the baby is clean, well-fed, beautiful, walked and gains weight well. Like any mother, of course, you are preoccupied with questions about when the child will sit down, when she will get up, when she will walk and when she will speak. This is all, of course, very important, but (and this is the very “but” that crosses everything out)! Anxious mothers can’t just love, just rejoice and just enjoy the fact that there is a child. Anxiety, conflict, anger, resentment, as well as unhealthy ambitions turn the happiness of motherhood into a burden, showdown and endless problem solving.

A simple example. Ambitious parents almost from infancy begin to teach their child languages, give them to various sections. The child is organized, results are constantly expected from him. Many parents break down on school performance: like, our best should study for one five. Adults, not stupid and, I'm sure, people who love their child do not understand that the reverse side of perfectionism is neurosis, a high level of anxiety, up to enuresis and stuttering.

And the child just needs to be loved, talked to, laughed at and be around not as a nurse or warden, but as a friend. The child repeats everything after you: he will speak faster if you talk to him, he will go faster if you take part in the games, and not sit next to him as silent observers.

Further more. The child grows up, and parents begin to arrange demonstrative knowledge tests, scolding the baby for wrong answers and drawing scary pictures of the future for him. I think that half of the population of Russia has definitely heard about the unenviable fate of the janitor ...

Constant conflicts in the family grow on leaven from parental complexes, crawling out in the phrases “How are you talking to your mother ?! Are you disrespectful to your father? Behind this are the demands of respect, admiration, and most importantly - unquestioning obedience. In children, all these experiments reinforce one thought: you are loved only for something, gifts and praise must be earned. The child carries the burden of your unjustified expectations, he feels that he is not the same as you dreamed.

Because of such parental hopes and disappointments, the baby is constantly in a state of stress. Now think about what's wrong. Look at yourself. If you want your child to start reading, read for yourself! Only in this way, only by personal example and nothing else.

Then the school begins, and here each parent turns into a teacher, even if he himself is not able to solve the problem for the first grade. All it leads to is baby tears, your own tantrums, and ruined relationships. Understand at last: the knowledge of the child from your experiments will not increase! After your executions, he will be afraid of homework, your questions about school, and in general any disapproval. And this is where he starts to lie. Of course, sooner or later you will realize that he is lying, and further in a circle: we scold, scandalize, threaten the career of a janitor ...

Another mistake is this: parents often think they know best what their offspring needs. So, they forbid what he wants to do, force him to do what he is absolutely not interested in. Here is the source of the neurosis. Then we treat neuroses and share with our friends our bewilderment of how this could happen.

The family does not live, but constantly solves problems: chooses a school, kills itself so that the child passes the exam. And the child at this time feels bad - a crisis, puberty, he suffers from loneliness and misunderstanding. And the last thing he is interested in in such a situation is your hated USE.

If you want to "break the system" - learn to love children just like that, without any conditions. Just because you have them. Your child is not you. He is different. He is a different planet, if you like, a different consciousness - and that's wonderful. Love him, help him become a person.

“But I want the best ...” - you say. And you ask yourself if your actions lead to the fact that the child was happy. Will knowledge of three languages, diligence and obedience really make him happy? And most importantly - can a child be happy at all when parents are not happy? Think….

And come to a public consultation in St. Petersburg on August 23 and August 30 in Moscow. Let's talk about all this and, of course, about what worries you personally. Oral questions and notes are best prepared in advance. Bring children from 12 years old with you - believe me, they have something to say.

The statements of the famous Russian psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky are based on “healthy cynicism” and many years of experience. Some agree with him, many reject his approach, fearing shattered illusions. But no one is indifferent

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1.The first thing you should do is stop wanting to get married. A healthy person does not want to get married. In other words, if you want to get married, you need to stop thinking about it, devalue the idea itself.

2. The key to a happy family life, marriage and sex with one partner is only in one thing - in a stable psyche. No concessions, no compromises - this is all a direct road to a cardiologist or oncologist. When a person has a stable psyche, he can live with one partner all his life. And love him alone.

3. People are not liked because they bend. A woman will be just an empty place for a man if you cannot say about her who she is, what she is and what she likes for breakfast. The paradox is that men simply adore bitchy women.

4. The cause of women's problems is not that he behaves like a goat. The reason is that she has a neurosis that needs an outlet. And for this way out, you need a certain person and a relationship in which she could suffer. Therefore, she specifically enters into such relationships, because she has a mental need for this since childhood.

5. We measure love by the level of suffering. And healthy love is about how happy you are.

6. When a flight attendant shows you life-saving equipment, what does she say about oxygen masks? “If you are traveling with a child, make sure you mask yourself first, then the child.” This is the whole point. Everyone is trying to help the child, remaining an absolute psycho. So it doesn't work. If you want your child to feel good, do something with your head first.

7. Family therapy is a divorce. Only one type of family therapy I find really useful - the mediation of a psychologist in a divorce. But it is precisely this that is not practiced in Russia.

8. Healthy people always choose themselves, and neurotics - relationships to the detriment of themselves, and this is the main difference.

9. A woman should never tolerate in a relationship what she doesn't like. She should immediately talk about it, and if the man does not change, she should part with him.

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10. If a person replaces the whole world for another person, this means that he simply does not have his own world.

11. The only quality your partner can have is that they hook you up. Everything else plays no role at all. If you love him, worry about him, worry - then there are no "bars".

12. The only time in a person's life when he is objectively dependent and when he can be considered a hostage is childhood and dependence on parents. It lasts for a relatively short time. In other cases, staying in any relationship is the choice of an adult.

Do you agree with the categorical phrases of the psychologist?

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A modern woman has many roles that we do not always manage to harmoniously combine. Therefore, when a girl is born in a family, it can be difficult to figure out in which direction to educate her. Parents want their baby to be successful in life, find her calling, and also be able to realize herself as a mother and wife. And along the way, we risk making many mistakes that will hinder her in adulthood.

A special role in the upbringing of a daughter lies with the mother, who lays down the guidelines for what a woman should be. .

Psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky gives 10 tips to mothers and grandmothers, warning them against common mistakes that could ruin their daughters' lives.

The most serious mistake which many mothers and grandmothers do when raising a daughter and, accordingly, a granddaughter, is programming her for a certain mandatory set of skills and qualities that she must possess. "You must be nice", "You must be accommodating", "You must like", "You must learn to cook", "You must..."

There is nothing wrong with the ability to cook, but the girl develops a flawed mindset: you will have value only if you meet a set of criteria. Here, a personal example will work much more effectively and without trauma for the psyche: let's cook delicious soup together. Let's get home together. Let's choose your hairstyle together. Seeing how mom does something and enjoys it, the daughter will want to learn this. And vice versa, if a mother hates some business, then no matter how much she repeats that this needs to be learned, the girl will have a subconscious rejection of the process. But in fact, everything that is needed, the girl will still learn sooner or later. When she needs it herself.

The second mistake which is often found in raising daughters is the heavy, judgmental attitude towards men and sex that is transmitted to her by her mother. “They all need one thing”, “Look, he will swear and leave”, “The main thing is not to bring it in the hem”, “You must be inaccessible.” As a result, the girl grows up with the feeling that men are aggressors and rapists, that sex is something dirty and bad that should be avoided. At the same time, her body will begin to send signals to her with age, hormones will begin to rage, and this internal contradiction between the prohibition coming from the mother and the desire coming from the inside is also very traumatic.

Third mistake , which surprisingly contrasts with the second - closer to the age of 20, the girl is told that her formula for happiness consists of "get married and give birth." And ideally - up to 25 years, otherwise it will be too late. Think about it: at first, in childhood, she was told that she should (list) in order to get married and become a mother, then for several years she was broadcast the idea that men are goats, and sex is dirt, and here again: get married and give birth. It is paradoxical, but often it is precisely such contradictory attitudes that mothers voice to their daughters. The result is a fear of relationships as such. And the risk of losing yourself, losing touch with your desires and realizing what the girl really wants is seriously increasing.

Fourth mistake - It's hyperbole. Now this is a big problem, mothers are increasingly tying their daughters to themselves and surrounded by so many prohibitions that it becomes scary. Don’t go for a walk, don’t be friends with these, call me every half an hour, where you are, why you were late for 3 minutes. Girls are not given any freedom, they are not given the right to make decisions, because these decisions may turn out to be erroneous. But it normal! At the age of 14-16, a normal teenager goes through the process of separation, he wants to decide everything himself, and (with the exception of life and health issues) he needs to be given such an opportunity. Because if a girl grows up under her mother's heel, she will establish herself in the idea that she is a second-class creature, incapable of an autonomous existence, and other people will always decide everything for her.

Fifth mistake - the formation of a negative image of the father. It does not matter whether the father is present in the family or the mother raises the child without his participation, it is unacceptable to turn the father into a demon. You can’t tell a child that his shortcomings are bad heredity on the paternal side. It is impossible to denigrate the father, whatever he may be. If he really was a "goat", then the mother should also recognize her share of responsibility for the fact that she chose this particular person as the father of her child. It was a mistake, so the parents broke up, but the responsibility for the one who took part in the conception cannot be outweighed by the girl. She's definitely not at fault here.

The sixth mistake is corporal punishment. Of course, no children should be beaten, ever, but it is worth recognizing that it hurts girls more. Psychologically, the girl quickly slides from normal self-esteem to the position of a humiliated and subordinate. And if physical punishment comes from the father, this will almost certainly lead to the fact that the girl will choose the aggressors as partners.

Seventh mistake — under-praise . The daughter should grow up, constantly hearing that she is the most beautiful, the most beloved, the most capable, the most-most. This will form a healthy, normal self-esteem. This will help the girl grow up with a sense of self-satisfaction, self-acceptance, self-love. This is the key to her happy future.

Eighth mistake - showdown with daughter . Parents should never arrange quarrels in front of children, this is simply unacceptable. Especially when it comes to the personal qualities of the mother and father, mutual accusations. The child must not see this. And if it happened, both parents should apologize and explain that they did not cope with their feelings, quarreled and already reconciled, and most importantly, the child has nothing to do with it.

The ninth mistake is the incorrect living of the girl's puberty . There are two extremes here: allow everything, so as not to lose contact, and prohibit everything, so as not to “miss out”. As they say, both are worse. The only way to overcome this difficult period for all without sacrifice is firmness and goodwill. Firmness - in upholding the boundaries of what is permitted, goodwill - in communication. For girls at this age, it is especially important that they talk a lot with them, ask questions, answer idiotic questions, share their memories. And react more calmly, and never use these conversations against the child. If this is not done now, there will never be intimacy, and the grown-up daughter will say: “I never trusted my mother.”

Finally, the last mistake is the wrong attitude to life. . Girls should never be told that her life must include certain items. Marry, give birth, lose weight, not get fat, and so on. The girl must be tuned in to self-realization, to the ability to listen to herself, to the opportunity to do what she likes, what she does, to enjoy herself, independence from other people's assessments and public opinion. Then a happy, beautiful, self-confident woman ready for a full-fledged partnership will grow up.

Mikhail Labkovsky is a practicing psychologist, known for his not always pleasant, but absolutely accurate statements about family, relationships and what happiness is. Live Passion.Live Mikhail answered questions from the audience of the program.

"Letidor" watched the interview and selected important quotes about children and parents.

You need to live the way you want

There is a category of people who believe that living for their own pleasure is selfishness. In fact, these people were taught by their parents in childhood that they cannot live the way they want. They were told that there is a main word - "must". A person should live the way he likes, and there is nothing wrong with that.

About parental aggression

If you are an aggressive person, and you pour out this aggression on a child, then he develops fears, anxiety, and self-doubt. Express yourself naturally: behave as you behave - if you don’t like something, then you don’t like it, you are upset - it means you are upset.

Another thing is when a person is a psycho.

For example, he gets up in the morning already in a bad mood and immediately starts yelling that he is late for work, and the child needs to be dressed for kindergarten or school. But he didn’t do anything wrong - he was just born. But he has aggressive parents, so he grows up, speaking in Russian, a complete psycho - the same as his mom and dad. And we are talking about the natural reaction of a parent when a child does something wrong - we are living people, and dissatisfaction must be expressed in a natural way.

About child aggression

The child begins to behave aggressively after about two years - he behaves like the rest of the animal world. He is trying to understand his boundaries: he can punch his mother in the face, start fighting with his hands and feet, gnaw and bite. This is a natural manifestation of a child who is trying “like a young beast” to understand what he can and cannot do. Parents should behave firmly - take a strong hand and say:

“Mom is uncomfortable. Mom hurts! And you can't beat your mom!"

It's okay to punish, but you can't be crazy - for example, biting a child in response.

Doing only what you want is real

Both spouses come home from work, both tired. And there is a mountain of unwashed dishes. The question is not whose turn it is to do the dishes, and not that "I'm going to cave in now because my husband earns more." And not that the husband will wash the dishes just because you spent the night with the child. You must want to do the dishes because you love your spouse so much that you don't want him to strain. This is the only reason to wash dishes. You don’t cede anything to anyone - you really want to do it out of love. And my husband does the dishes too, because he enjoys it, not because -

“Oh, everything is tired, now there will be a scandal, she will yell. I’d better wash it, even though it will be quiet at home. ”

Adults can live the way they want. When I was 6-8 years old, I really liked to watch “Good night, kids!” (she walked for 15 minutes). And my mother came up in the middle of the cartoon and said: “So, now you need to go and wash the floor in the kitchen,” and I said: “It’s over now, and I’ll go.” But my mother insisted: “No, no, right now I got up and went.” Now my mother has been gone for a long time, I am 55 years old and I have a specially trained woman whom I pay money to: she washes the floor not only in the kitchen, but throughout the apartment.

Solve this problem however you want. Both of you don’t like washing dishes - earn money for a housekeeper.

About adult children living with parents

Children over 20 years of age should not live with their parents. “No money, nothing to shoot for”, “It’s easier for us” - in everyday life this is not normal. But this should be discussed calmly. It should not be like this: “We were watching a program with a psychologist. And what are you doing here? Pack your things!" There are such children with social phobia: they are afraid to answer for themselves, to leave this world, so they cling to their parents. And there are overprotective parents, then the children grow up dependent, indecisive, unable to take responsibility and make decisions.

About children and divorce of parents

Children and dad have their own relationship. For some reason, women try to hide behind their children, but what does this have to do with marriage? Dad either loves children or doesn’t love them - and it doesn’t matter if their mother is married to him or not.