Emotional domestic violence against children. Psychological violence against children in the family

Is there a chance to save your children from a bad fate?

What do we know about physical abuse of children? The pain we cause to our children cannot be measured or justified. Children who have experienced violence are deprived of a happy future. System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan explains this fully.

But I found out about this much later...

How he infuriates me!

He did everything wrong again. As if to spite me on purpose. I would kill you!

And I hit him. I hit him with all my might, backhanded, with an iron hanger from the closet. What do I want to tell him? That I hate him? Oh yeah! At this moment I really hate him. And my desire is to teach me a lesson, to punish me, for everything that he caused me. For all the troubles, difficulties and misfortunes that arose with his birth.

I am evil. I take out a huge, all-hating evil on him. I hit him.

And then I give up. I regain my sight and see my little defenseless boy who accepted everything and put up with the blows. He no longer cries, but lies silently, completely agreeing with the execution for nothing. I cry over him, trying to hug him. But he pushes me away.

He does not want to be hugged by the executioner, who at that moment killed all his feelings. Every single one of them. And somewhere deep inside I feel how the invisible future tells me: “You will still cry for this, you will cry and you will pay. But it will be too late."

This was the last time I hit my son, but not the first. And once upon a time I swore to myself, crying into my pillow with resentment, that I would never raise my children the way my mother did. Unfortunately, violence against children in the family, moral or physical, is sometimes “inherited.”

Consequences inevitably come

My son is 20. I have long since stopped needing anything that was important 20 years ago. I want only one thing - my son’s love, connection with him. To be a witness to his life, a participant and a loved one. But in front of me are cold eyes and someone else's gaze.

He does not feel what a child feels towards his mother. He might be happy, but he can’t. He no longer has that “organ” with which he feels. In his short life he saw everything. Scandals, hysterics, father's bullying of mother, divorce, mother's attempts to improve her personal life.

He got hit for everything, and I didn’t even notice when he stopped responding to my hysterical screams. Remembering our past life, I don’t see a single bright day, a good memory that my son could cling to and want to communicate with me and live happily.

What to do now? I don't know. Help…

Is there protection from violence?

Who beats women and children? Why? System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan reveals that physical violence in the family is used by men and women with a special mental structure. Those who are born to be ideal parents, husbands, wives. These are people in whose psyche there is.

Potentially, these are the best people in society, guarantors of family values. Oddly enough, it is precisely such metamorphoses that happen to the best people in society if they were raised incorrectly in childhood, and in adulthood they did not have the opportunity to realize themselves.

It is possible to get out of such states. By studying the hidden unconscious processes that control us, by opening them, we have the opportunity to change our destiny for the better. You can’t wave a magic wand and change everything at once. But it is possible to stop the chain of consequences of such cruel treatment. And we need to be in time.

Are there levers in society that protect against violence?

Education with a stick, the use of physical force against the most defenseless creature has long been unspokenly accepted in many families. A husband beats his wife, a mother beats her children, the cycle of physical violence in the family cannot be stopped without new, radical measures.

Current laws only slightly condemn, but do not solve this problem. Mother and child protection centers, guardianship and trusteeship authorities, rehabilitation and psychological centers will not accommodate and heal all these wounded and crippled souls. Today, children and women know where to turn when they find themselves in such a situation, but they don’t go. Social service specialists, psychologists and lawyers who work in such centers will provide support and advise on how to protect yourself in the event of a physical threat to life and health. But what will this change?

System-vector psychology teaches, how to recognize a tyrant capable of physical violence in the family.

But why do women do this? How does it happen that an ideal mother begins to beat her child with some kind of monstrous gusto? Women and men with the anal vector are the same in their negative manifestations. And as in the case of a tyrant husband, so in this case, the causes of violence against children are a consequence of grievances and the unrealization of the properties of the anal vector.

A terrible tension inside pushes us to beat and discipline us with a fist or a stick. Yes to everything that comes to hand. And from this action you get “perverted” pleasure - because the tension subsides for a while. Resentment and lack of fulfillment, loss of security and safety, sexual dissatisfaction push a woman, ideally the best mother, to commit physical violence against her own child.

What trace does physical abuse of children leave?

My son has anal, visual and... He was a kind and easy-going boy who loved hugs. I remember his big open eyes with fluffy long eyelashes, a clean and trusting look.

This look is now my judge. My evil writhes from the mere memory of those children's pure eyes. Now in this place there is callousness and indifference. His anal vector expresses itself in toilet language and disrespect for women, rancor and resentment. The excellent memory inherent in people with the anal vector now only works to accumulate and remember grievances.

His sound vector, shielded from my screams and insults, has long since drowned on the Internet. That's all. There is nothing else. He closed in on himself.

Once upon a time, he could excitedly talk about the structure of the universe, black holes, time, space and other wonders of the universe. This was his passion. And I was tormented by depression, lack of meaning in life, which even maternal instinct could not overcome, loneliness and fear of tomorrow. I refused to accept that reality, and my son grew up in it alone.

But it could have been different

He could become an intelligent, honest and decent family man, the head of the family. The anal vector gives birth to golden people for whom family values ​​are above all. Professionalism, quality, analytical mind, powerful memory give such a person every opportunity to become respected and in demand in society.

He could remain a loving son. And also a caring husband and father. gives a person a kind, loving heart, capable of great spiritual dedication.

He could find himself in science, explore new facets of the universe and find his meaning. The sound vector, endowing a person with abstract intelligence, helps to find answers to the most profound questions about the meaning of human life on earth. Such people go into science, literature, compose music, and invent new technologies.

But I did everything so that my son would spend days on the Internet, swear dirty words in chat rooms, close the door in front of me and remain silent in response. I did this with my own hands.

This is what physical abuse does to our children. And this is far from the limit of the terrible consequences.

Children do not deserve violence, even if the whole world collapses. This is your choice

Do you still think that you are right to raise your children with physical strength and screaming? You have no idea where this road leads you. Whatever the reasons for your poor condition, children do not deserve violence.

What does our current pain mean compared to the pain that we drive into our children with the help of physical force? All these troubles, ruined plans, disorder in your personal life, loss of respect, fear of what people will say, everyday and financial problems - all this is worth nothing. Nothing is worth the ruined soul of a child and the lost connection with him forever.

Beaten and humiliated children will never love you back. Moreover, life itself will not answer them with love, luck, or happiness. Physical and mental violence never goes away without leaving a trace.

Save yourself and save your children! While the child has not yet completed puberty, he is connected with his mother. This means that you have a chance to save your child and yourself too. Save the future, which is getting further away every day and will disappear completely if you do not stop in your madness.

By being aware of your mental states, you can fix everything; you gain calm, confidence and understanding of what is happening. And the most important thing is understanding your child, his nature and innate properties. You become a real person, and not a lump of grievances or a shapeless scrap of anxiety and fear. And your child feels this, his internal states also return to normal. Hundreds of people who once came to a training session on system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan write about. They made it!

Give system-vector psychology a chance to change your attitude towards life, yourself, children, people, finally. To everything that moves you and gnaws at you, that does not allow you to sleep peacefully and live happily. Hurry up not to be late, so that you don’t have the bitterness of looking into the cold eyes of your child and waiting for a forgotten old age in an elderly home. Be people, become people and raise happy children.

What should those who didn’t have time do?

The knowledge of system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan helps to comprehend life anew, taking responsibility and doing everything possible to understand and realize what is happening to the fullest. When a person is aware of himself in relationships with others, understands the cause-and-effect relationships of what is happening, he has a chance to correct the situation.

Whatever mistakes we make, we must make every effort to ensure that our children are held accountable for them as little as possible in life. This is only possible with knowledge of system-vector psychology. One day children will follow your example. For now, let your result be an example.

Register for free online training.

When adults hear about violence against children, everyone is internally sure that this does not concern them - this is not about them. They may not even suspect what kind of total violence they subject children to, calling it upbringing, development, enlightenment, concern for the child’s future. It is precisely these beautiful words that often hide many types of violence against children.

How to distinguish what action is being performed on a child - violence that causes him harm, or a benefit that promotes development? We will answer how to recognize violence and protect children from violence, using the knowledge of the training “System-vector psychology” by Yuri Burlan.

Types of violence against children: we analyze systematically

It is important to understand what it means to develop a child. From birth, a child is endowed with desires that depend on what vectors - mental properties - he was born with. At birth there is only potential from which one or another talent can be developed. And development is always the opposite. It takes effort.

For example, a child with a skin vector can potentially become a legislator and monitor compliance with the law, or become a manager or a successful businessman. He is born with the desire to extract and preserve what he has obtained. First, bring home everything from the kindergarten, from the sandbox, from the neighbors. If such a child is not developed, he will remain a thief - he will not be able to show the opposite properties of a guardian of the rule of law, he will not be able to increase capital by legal methods.

And so with each of the eight vectors - it is necessary to understand the potential in order to purposefully create conditions and efforts for the development of properties. Adults must create these conditions and make efforts for the development of children. If children are left without guiding and coordinating development, they can naturally unite only on the basis of hostility towards someone who is weaker or different from everyone else - they simply do not know how to do otherwise.

Adults have a huge responsibility for the proper development of children. After all, it is necessary to develop the natural properties of a particular child, and not to force all children to do the same thing that adults want. Misunderstanding of the properties of each child gives rise to violence against children - when they are forced to do something that does not correspond to their natural desires.

Violence is not only the direct infliction of physical harm, but also any impact on a child that can cause inhibition or a complete stop in the development of his natural properties and desires. And also a stop in the development of general properties: the ability to socialize in society, to build both relationships with other people and stable paired relationships in adulthood.

The following types of violence can be roughly distinguished:

• physical violence;
• verbal violence;
• psychological abuse;
• sexual violence.

Types of physical abuse of children

Physical punishment of children is considered by some to be an effective method of education. But is it? Let's consider what effects those who are accustomed to raising in this way get, and what effects beaten children get.

During beating, an adult releases accumulated internal tension and receives relaxation, which he begins to perceive as satisfaction from the efforts made. But transferring his changed pleasant internal state to an external event gives him the false impression that it is physical punishment that brings a positive result in raising a child. As a result of such educational measures, children receive a whole range of psychotraumas, the manifestations of which depend on the innate mental properties of each individual child.

Beatings can lead to the development of various kinds of life-long fears, resentment, vindictiveness, a tendency to engage in prostitution, theft, the development of depression and suicidal thoughts, masochistic aspirations, the presence of which will subsequently attract a partner with sadistic tendencies when building a pair relationship. And many other conditions that significantly change the quality of life.

You can learn more about what needs to be done to raise happy and fulfilled children, understand the causes of violence against children and how to eliminate the consequences of violence suffered in childhood, how to eradicate all types of violence against children in the family and society. Feb 28, 2019

Are you concerned about your child's sudden behavior change? Do you want to reach him, but feel that there is an emotional rift between you? Are you having trouble understanding his mood swings and are you worried if they are caused by your approach to discipline? Have you heard the term “child abuse” and want to know if you or someone around your child might have done this to him, either accidentally or perhaps even intentionally?

If you are looking for answers to any of the above questions, read this article to learn what bullying is and how you can recognize and prevent it.

What is child abuse?

In many cases, moral bullying (moral abuse, psychological abuse) is a form of constant abuse or neglect that a child experiences from parents or other people close to him. Mental or psychological abuse can cause very serious damage to a child's cognitive, emotional, social and psychological development. Sometimes a parent morally humiliates a child, fully aware of the possible consequences. In other cases, parents may subject their child to moral bullying unknowingly.

Different types of moral bullying of a child

Here are a few situations that can cause a child to suffer from mental bullying (psychological abuse).

1. Ignoring your child

• Neglecting a child occurs when a parent is not with the child for a long time - so long that the child begins to feel lonely.
• In addition, there are situations in which you may be physically present with your child, but not paying enough attention to him.
• Your child will also feel ignored if you avoid eye contact when talking to him or don't address him by name.

2. Refusal to meet the child's needs

• Failure to meet a child's needs can be something as simple as making fun of the child in front of others, which may seem like an insignificant incident to you, but in fact can have very serious and lasting consequences for the child.
• If you do not regularly touch your child, do not hug him, do not stroke him, then you are thereby refusing to respond to his simplest physical needs. You also morally humiliate him if you reject the child's basic needs and desires.

3. Isolation of the child

• Isolation means that you regularly prevent your child from interacting with friends or peers. It may also mean that you do not allow your child to have regular social interaction with other family members or adults.
• Seclusion occurs when you restrict your child's freedom of movement, often as a punishment. Although many parents consider it normal to punish their child by imposing certain restrictions, using this type of punishment too often can take the form of mental bullying.

4. Using or corrupting a child through manipulation

• Using or corrupting a child is a form of mental abuse that involves teaching or involving someone in unacceptable or even illegal activities.
• In some cases, your child may even be forced to do these things, sometimes without your knowledge.
• This form of bullying may involve antisocial or self-destructive behavior by the parent or caregiver. Being forced to lie, steal, or be forced into prostitution can provoke aggressive behavior in a child.

5. Verbal abuse and humiliation

• The verbal form of moral humiliation has a very strong and lasting effect on the child.
• Verbal abuse includes ridiculing, shaming, and humiliating a child on a regular basis. It can also take the form of verbal threats made by someone.

6. Terrorizing a child

Terrorizing is a form of mental bullying in which a parent threatens or intimidates a child into obedience.

• A parent can threaten or intimidate a child in a variety of ways. This may be an action that will put the child in a dangerous or uncomfortable position. Or an action aimed at separating him from a pet, a favorite toy, or even a sibling - until the child obeys.
• In many cases, when a parent sets unrealistic goals and unrealistic expectations for a child, the child feels intimidated. He may be afraid of the dangerous consequences that will inevitably occur if he does not live up to such expectations.

7. Child neglect

• Neglect of a child can take many forms, such as lack of attention to their educational needs. This occurs when a parent cannot or does not provide the child with materials, aids, and supplies necessary for learning.
• A child may experience moral bullying in the form of mental (psychological) neglect. This is a situation in which a parent refuses to notice or ignores the child's needs for treatment that can help him overcome serious psychological (mental) problems.
• The third form of neglect occurs when parents refuse to acknowledge the child's need for medical treatment.

It may seem that many forms of moral bullying of a child are part of general parenting methods. However, such methods can turn into real violence when, due to frequent use, they begin to negatively affect the child. For example, it is completely normal to put a child in a corner as a punishment, but only until such punishment becomes a habit and becomes a daily practice. Your child should understand the reason for the punishment, and not perceive it as irrational and manic behavior on your part.

Why does bullying happen?

Health experts and child psychologists agree that children from different backgrounds are subject to bullying. As a parent, you always want the best for your child, but sometimes there are situations that may force you to take a strict or harsh approach. There are many factors that can lead to parental abuse of children. Here are some of the most important ones:

• stress;
• lack of time for the child due to constant employment;
• lack of material and other resources;
• weak parenting skills;
• social isolation;
• unnatural expectations from a child.

In addition, in some cases, a parent may morally abuse a child based on personal experience, because this is what they did to him at one time, and thus he closes this vicious circle.

What are the symptoms of child abuse?

Here are some physical signs of child abuse:

• The child suddenly begins to urinate or not hold feces during sleep, and there is no medical reason for such actions.
• There are various complaints from the child of a psychosomatic nature: complaints of regular headaches, nausea or even abdominal pain. But the results of the medical examination remain within normal limits or are indeterminate.
• If your child is suffering from bullying, they may experience bouts of diarrhea and vomiting that sometimes last for weeks or even months.
• If your child is experiencing emotional abuse, you may notice some significant delays at various stages of his development.
• A common sign of moral bullying of children is the child’s desire to look and feel different from everyone else. A child may unexpectedly and dramatically change his clothing style and begin to dress inappropriately at various events or in various places.

Here are some social symptoms of bullying that your child may be experiencing:

• The child has significant delays in various areas of development.
• You may notice that the child has begun to behave quieter than usual, and is frightened by the slightest noise and even familiar voices. He may become a recluse, refusing to interact with people or maintain eye contact while talking. All of these symptoms can be early signs of the development of depression, anxiety, fear, trauma, or even aggression.
• If your child is a victim of emotional abuse, you may notice severe and often difficult to control symptoms of self-destruction. He may exhibit suicidal tendencies or behave aggressively, defiantly, which includes alcohol or drug abuse.
• If a child is subjected to moral bullying, he may exhibit completely opposite behavior patterns. The child becomes overly compliant and agrees to everything you say. He may suddenly become overly mannered and polite, or appear overly neat and clean.
• When your child suffers from mental abuse, you may notice an increased need for parental attention, or vice versa - the child may appear extremely depressed or uncharacteristically shy.
• A very simple way to determine if your child is being bullied is to observe them while they play. Most children copy negative behavior or language they observe or hear at home. If you see your child exhibiting unusual behavior or saying words that are inappropriate for his age, this may be a sign of mental abuse.

How can you identify signs of emotionally aggressive behavior in adults?

Here are a few ways to help determine whether an adult is showing moral abuse towards a child:

• An adult calls and ridicules a child in the presence of strangers.
• An adult comes up with humiliating and inappropriate nicknames for a child.
• In some cases, the adult verbally threatens the child. He may raise his voice at the child or threaten him with physical violence. Sometimes it forces the child to witness an act of violence or physical harm to someone or something close to the child.
• The adult morally humiliates the child by showing unrealistic expectations of him.
• In some cases, moral violence against a child is expressed in his involvement in resolving issues of guardianship and presence at meetings during divorce proceedings.

Several statistical facts of moral bullying of children

• Almost 90% of all child deaths are the result of incitement by family members or loved ones.
• Children who are victims of mental bullying are 25% more likely to suffer from health and mental problems.
• Children who suffer from moral humiliation are prone to teenage pregnancy, delinquency, school dropout and drug abuse.

Tips for preventing moral abuse

As a parent, you love your child, but it is also true that you are unknowingly making him suffer from moral humiliation. The truth is that even exemplary parents sometimes yell at and ignore their children. When such cases are isolated, they are not violence. The danger of emotional abuse appears when this type of parental behavior becomes habitual and regular.

Although mental abuse of a child can occur in almost any family, regardless of the atmosphere prevailing in it, there are some catalyzing factors. Here are some situations that can increase the danger of bullying children:

• A family experiencing financial hardship may find it difficult to care for their child's academic progress and other basic needs. In such a family, the child is likely to face moral abuse.
• A single parent may feel overly burdened with care and responsibility for the child. He can take out his irritation on the child and thereby morally humiliate him.
• A child is at high risk of being bullied if the parents are separated or divorced. In such a situation, both parents may be too busy with work and neglect the child emotionally.

Being a parent is definitely a big responsibility and it requires a lot of patience. It is possible that while you yell at or ignore your child with the best of intentions, the results of such behavior do not always meet your expectations. If you feel that you are mentally harming your child in any way, it is important to consult with an appropriate professional. It can stop you from abusive behavior, help you break the habit of mental abuse, and improve your relationship with your child.

Pavel Kovalevsky. "Flogging". 1880 Photo: Public domain

Recently, news about child abuse has increasingly appeared in the media, because society has begun to realize that the problem really exists. This happens, in part, thanks to those women who have spoken out loud about violence against themselves. This is certainly a positive trend, because the flow of information helps to draw attention to the problems of the most vulnerable segments of the population. As a result, society itself becomes more aware. 15 years ago there could not even be a conversation about introducing a clause on corporal punishment of children into the Criminal Code. The wording “child abuse” is found in Article 156 of the Criminal Code, but its interpretation remains vague.

Child-parent conflicts are largely due to the fact that adults must perform many routine tasks while juggling many other social roles. This is often accompanied by negative emotions, negatively affects the internal psychological state of parents and, ultimately, leads to the fact that this negativity spills out on the children, and regular spankings and slaps on the head become the norm.

It is important to understand that when exposed to violence, a child not only experiences stress. He develops a pattern of behavior that he may continue to reproduce as an adult. If a boy is physically punished, he becomes aggressive and understands that he can beat others. And if a girl is beaten, she is reinforced with the idea that it is normal to use physical force against her.

In Russia, the situation with cruelty towards children may be related to historical experience. The ban on corporal punishment against adults was introduced only at the beginning of the twentieth century; before that it was the norm. Today, more than 50 countries already have laws criminalizing child abuse. For example, in Finland or Germany, if you see or hear that a child is being beaten, you must report this to special authorities.

The issue of silent witnessing also remains open - a situation when others notice cases of violence against children, but do not know what to do. In order for people to understand how to react correctly in cases where they see cruelty towards children, a law is needed that would clearly define the algorithm of action.

How then to punish children so as not to traumatize their psyche? It is important to remember that a crime is, first of all, a violation of accepted norms in society. Therefore, you first need to explain to the child what norms exist in principle. The purpose of punishment is to teach the child to follow the rules of social behavior and create conditions so that incorrect actions are not repeated, and not to cause physical or psychological harm to the child.

Evgenia Zaburdaeva, practicing psychologist, psychotherapist:

Today, they are increasingly talking openly about the problem of parental burnout, which becomes a cause of violence against children. As a rule, this is the result of a whole complex of reasons. First, abusive parents are often former victims of violence or witnesses to domestic violence, and they project their own internal conflict onto their children. Secondly, modern society places higher social expectations on parents than ever before: the child seems to become the project of his family, and parents are judged by how “successfully” they implement it. Such pressure often leads to the fact that parents cannot cope with psychological stress and take it out on the child.

The situation can only be changed by popularizing this problem: it is important to talk about parental burnout, the lack of emotional and social support for parents, especially those raising children alone. For example, a single mother from Kirov, who left her daughter alone at home for three days, was not ready for motherhood, raised her child alone and was morally exhausted. This does not justify her action, but the factors that provoked the tragedy should not be forgotten either.

Moreover, it is necessary to openly talk about the fact that the aggressor simultaneously acts as a victim, and he also needs help and support. For example, if you see how a parent cannot cope and loses his temper, you can offer him help, sit with the child, and give the parent a rest. If possible, you can try to separate family members for a while so that the adult can calm down and come to his senses. Of course, if you witness physical violence against a child and see that there is a threat to his life, you need to contact the guardianship authorities or law enforcement agencies. However, this should only be done if the situation really poses a danger.

In cases of domestic violence, both parents and children need help. Often a child does not realize that he is a victim of violence - he thinks that he deserves such treatment because he is bad. He develops an attitude that this can be done to him, to his body. This leads to the fact that later, in adulthood, he again becomes a victim of violence or an aggressor in his own family. To avoid this, a person first needs to understand that, as a child, he was not to blame for what happened. To do this, it is necessary to work through the situation with a psychologist and realize that the cause of the violence was intra-family violations, and to experience difficult feelings about this. And only after such an analysis does the psychological healing of the victim of violence become possible.

The main difficulty is that society still does not realize the scale of the problem of violence against children: regular spankings and slaps on the head are still considered a social norm in Russia. From generation to generation, people pass on behavior patterns from the Second World War, when the entire population of the country suffered from post-traumatic stress disorder. In those days, the tension in society was too strong; parents had no time to talk to their children or explain the norms of behavior to their children. It was much easier and faster to just slap him on the head. Unfortunately, this cycle has not yet ended, although we no longer live in conditions of war, but parents still unconsciously reproduce this behavior pattern. It is much more correct to talk with the child and convey to him certain rules, responsibilities and consequences of failure to comply. In this case, it is necessary to provide proportionate punishment. For example, limiting watching TV or playing on the computer if the child is not doing his or her duties is a healthy way of parenting and socialization. But if children are physically punished, this prevents the formation of a mature personality. In any case, if you are having difficulty containing your feelings towards your children or other loved ones, you can always contact a psychologist or a free psychological helpline.

Prepared by: Ksenia Pravednaya, Diana Antipina