If your mother doesn't love you. What if my mom doesn't love me? Difficulties in defending one's own boundaries

Not often and not everyone will come up with the idea that a mother may not love her own child. Much more often, motherly love is presented as something that is not subject to any conditions, something absolute and even divine. Many believe that maternal love is the same for all women, that a mother will not only understand and support any of her children, but will also forgive for the most serious crime. It seems that there is nothing stronger than the love of a mother. However, this is not always true, and not all mothers love their children in the same way.\r\n\r\nAll social ideas about life and people have always been based on maternal love, and if not lucky, then on maternal dislike. Usually conflicts between mothers and children occur because children do not agree with how their own mother loves them. In turn, mothers are also not always able to correctly assess the degree and quality of their love for children.\r\n\r\nOver time, grown-up daughters also suffer from discomfort and a lack of motherly love and attention. Sometimes this affects their future fate and how they build their relationships with people around them. Critical mothers may spend their entire adult lives picking on their children, most often their daughters. They are trying to raise adult children who already have children of their own. And then these same mothers complain about the little attention their children give them.\r\n\r\n \r\n

\r\nThe most paradoxical thing in such a situation is that the daughters of such mothers are trying to the last to get approval from the parent, to see a smile on their face and, perhaps, to hear words of praise from them. But such mothers will not change. Unfortunately, this fact can be difficult to understand and accept, although this is the only way to get out of the vicious circle.\r\n\r\n

\r\n\r\nPsychologists recommend coming to terms with the situation and accepting as a fact the fact that the mother does not love. If you accept this, then life will become much easier. It will be possible to build your own life without regard to the opinion of the mother. In addition, in such a situation one should not be at enmity with the parent, mothers live quite peacefully under the same roof with their children, whom they do not love, but do not deny their existence. It's just that their communication takes place on a slightly different level. They can respect each other as individuals, but at the same time not invade personal space. The main thing to remember is that the mother will not change. Therefore, it is better to let go of the situation, and live your life, where you can have a loving husband and children.

A mother who does not love her child ... One of the most taboo topics, and for both sides of this drama. Such situations are no longer a secret for people of any helping professions.

It is difficult for a mother to admit to herself that she does not love a child, it is difficult to see for one reason or another the scarcity of her resource and seek help, and for a daughter who has experienced childhood in such a family, it is difficult to see reality undistorted by dislike.

This article is just about the importance of having the right to talk about such an injury - not in order to blame someone, but only so that the pain does not remain inside a poisonous silence, in order to have the right to say "no, this is not with me not everything is fine, I just went through a very difficult experience."

And it is especially difficult to talk about this when, from the outside, for others, the family seemed absolutely normal, if not ideal, and when "dislike" is not about a hungry childhood and beatings.

“When I tell people about my childhood, and they say that I had nothing to complain about, I always say: if only you could see through the impenetrable thickness of family walls…”

Two things I hear from readers all the time when I write about toxic mothers. The very first - "I thought I was the only one" and in these words all the loneliness of an unloved child. The second - "I never told anyone about this, because I was afraid that no one would believe me, and even if they did, they would think that it was my fault."

The rule of silence, as I call it, is part of the problem of unloved daughters, because discussion of maternal behavior is taboo. The irony is that such mothers—whether they have narcissistic traits, show overcontrol, are emotionally unavailable, or are overly conflicted—care a lot about what other people think.

The emotional confusion and pain of the daughter is exacerbated by the difference that can be observed between how the mother treats her daughter in public and when they are alone.

The reality is that most of these mothers seem wonderful to others. Even if they are not rich, such mothers may have the image of an ideal housewife, whose children are clothed and fed. Often, they participate in various local meetings, charitable initiatives - the public image is very important for them.

“My mother, all my childhood, devalued my academic success, saying that, well, at least something should work out for me, otherwise I’m so scary and fat. She made me feel terrible every day. Imagine my surprise when I found out as an adult that she would brag about my success to others because it made her a successful mother in the eyes of others. That was the last straw. Just classic hypocrisy."

Hiding from direct view

Sometimes distant relatives are aware of what is happening in the family, but it is served to them with sauce, our daughter is such a "difficult" child, "capricious", "too sensitive" or "she needs to be kept within", "she needs strictness" - this justifies a specific attitude towards the child, otherwise people would have questions.

But most often the true state of affairs, this "secret", remains within the family. When all distant relatives and acquaintances get together, such gatherings are organized by the mother, among other things, to maintain her image of a loving, attentive and family woman.

Sometimes fathers are directly involved in this negative mother-to-daughter relationship, but more often than not, they are not. They may turn a blind eye to the behavior of the spouse or accept her explanations because they believed in their idea "I know how to raise children, this is a woman's business." In some families, the father finds a way to support his daughter, even if not openly:

“My father did not want to directly conflict with my mother and become a target for her aggression. But he showed his love and support imperceptibly, not as openly as I would like, but nevertheless I felt his protection. the pain that my mother’s attitude caused me, but the truth was easier.

In other families, the "secret" is known to the sister or brother, who compete with each other with sports passion for the mother's love and affection. The controlling and conflict mother, as well as the mother with narcissistic traits, give out such support "in portions" so that all attention is where, in her opinion, it should be: only on her.

Undercover wrestling and gaslighting

Family secrets plunge the daughter, who doesn't feel appropriate anyway, into isolation. Not surprisingly, the huge question that haunts these children is very simple: if the people who should love me don't love me, then who in the whole world will love me?

This question, as a rule, drowns out all the applause that is heard about the unloved daughter from the outside world - nothing can raise self-esteem, not new friends, not success in school, not talent in anything.

The mother's relationship with her daughter continues to distort the daughter's sense of self - drop by drop, drop by drop, endless drops of doubt. In fact, in any hidden struggle - including gaslighting - the consequences are the most devastating, precisely from the non-obvious conflict.

“When I grew up and tried to talk to my mother about what she said to me and what she did to me, she simply denied that it was at all. She directly accused me of turning everything upside down. She called me crazy and I told my brother to call me "crazy Jenny" I know I was right but still on some level I couldn't believe in myself and my internal struggle still goes on I can never believe my perception of things Well, you understand."

Why is it so hard to break the silence

It is difficult to overestimate the complexity of the emotional bond between unloved daughters and their mothers. They still want their mothers to love them, even when they see that the mother simply does not have this love. They feel unloved and completely isolated, but fear that talking openly about this problem will bring even more shame and a sense of isolation. And most of all they worry that no one will believe them.

Researchers estimate that about 40% - 50% of children do not get their emotional needs met during childhood and have an insecure attachment style. Family secrets make life difficult for such children, and now for adults, it is difficult for them to feel that they are being heard and supported.

And if you were lucky and you had a loving mother or loving parents, and even if not an “ideal” childhood, but still one that helped you confidently get on your feet, I beg you to remember these numbers and understand that it was not so with everyone.

©Peg Streep, translated by Yulia Lapina.

Not every mother can give love. This happens not because she really does not love, but because ... Why is this happening and what to do about it - read the article.

With whatever request the client comes to therapy, sooner or later, the figure of the mother appears in his request. It is to her that the most feelings are drawn. It is from her that love is most wanted. But, not every mother can give love. This is not because she really does not love, but because ...

What prevents a mother from loving her daughter and how to change it?

There are various reasons for this “because”, for example, the characteristics of the mother’s character, her life story. If a mother has lost someone she loved very much, she can forever close her heart to love, protecting him from pain.

Influences the behavior of the mother and the model of her upbringing. For example, if a woman was brought up by a cold mother, she will be cold towards her own child.

Mom can be in family weaves and perceive herself as not a mother, but, for example, the younger sister of his daughter or even her child.

There may be other reasons for mother's coldness, there are a lot of them ...

Many clients dream of their mother coming to therapy and miraculously changing. However, in practice, this happens very rarely.

One day, one of my clients, twenty-seven-year-old Valya, came to the constellations with her mother. Mom became "curious" to participate in this form of group work, to see: "what it is and how it works."

In addition to visiting a psychologist, Valya reads a lot of psychological literature, trying to understand herself and her relationship with her mother. According to her, mother demands a lot, NEVER praises, only notices shortcomings, it is IMPOSSIBLE to imagine mother as warm, hugging, giving. Mom works as a teacher, she always gave and gives a lot of time and energy to other children, helps anyone who wants it. ANYONE, but not her only daughter.

- How I want my mother to change. She said that she was ashamed, she regretted her coldness. And if we went back in time, everything would be different. She would take the little me in her arms, hug, shake, whisper in my ear that I am the most beautiful, smart, good, beloved, the most dear mother's girl.

And so Mom came to the constellations ... I will call her like this - Mom with a capital letter. She turned out to be a slim, young and sensitive woman. Mom observed her daughter's constellation, and then participated in the roles of deputies in two other constellations. Both times she had to fill in for women who had lost contact with their mothers. Connecting with the fate of women unknown to her, Mom mourned her own fate, surprisingly similar to those that she was offered to live.

And then Mom wanted to come for an individual consultation.

- I know that I am a cold mother, I love my girl very much, but my tongue does not turn to tell her something good, my hands drop when I want to hug her. I want to change this.

Mom's closest connection was with her maternal ancestors. She was even named after her grandmother - her mother's mother. Mom told terrible stories about her grandmother, who was given in marriage as a very young girl, the groom was almost thirty years older. The bride's father stood behind her with a whip, the girl did not want to marry the "old man". She was not even pleased that the groom has a mill and a strong economy.

The young wife “accidentally” crushed the first daughter - a baby in a dream, dropped the second one “unsuccessfully” on the floor during feeding, the mother of our Mom was born in the field and “forgotten” under a bush. True, the father quickly found the child and brought the girl to the house. Grandmother had to come to terms with the appearance of her daughter, and then twelve more children were born.

After the revolution, grandparents were dispossessed of kulaks and exiled from the center of Russia to the far north, however, along the way, a paper arrived, allowing them to return to their former place of residence. It turns out that fellow villagers took care of the family, both grandfather and grandmother were very kind to people living nearby, they never denied anything to their neighbors.

- Your desire to help everyone around, isn’t it from there, isn’t it from this story? It turns out that the grandmother's family was saved thanks to the help of fellow villagers?

- I never thought about it that way. I agree with your assumption. It looks like it is. As if some kind of force makes me help everyone around, as if someone is whispering: “You won’t survive without this.”

Then Mom talks about her mother, who loved one guy, and for some reason married another.

I never heard a kind word from her towards my husband – my father. “You don’t sit like that, don’t you say, you don’t do it, ”etc. Constant dissatisfaction with him and me. And to those around her, everyone loves her. At first, my mother could not give birth to a child, several pregnancies ended in miscarriages. Then a girl was born, lived for several hours and died. When my mother became pregnant with me, she wanted to have an abortion. Her father found out and at the last moment dragged her away from the healer, to whom she turned for help. And after my mother's death, I found her letter, enclosed in a book, addressed to my father, in which it was written: "I could not love our daughter." To this day it is one of my most painful memories.

Tears appeared in Mom's eyes, she began to look very much like her daughter, Valyusha. Both women, the younger and the older, seemed to be united in their despair, their dislike of their mother.

No matter how old we are, there always lives inside of us a “little girl” who desperately needs motherly love and, in recognition that she is loved just like that, for the fact that she exists.

When there is a caring and loving mother in our life, at first she is the support of the external, i.e., a person you can rely on, trust him, get support. Over time, this external support becomes internal, we learn to take good care of ourselves. and also be a good mother to your children.

Both Valya and Mom have to go through a difficult path in accepting themselves and the woman who gave life, that is, mom, only after that it will become easy to show love to your child.published.

Olga Milashina

If you have any questions, ask them

P.S. And remember, just by changing your consumption, we are changing the world together! © econet

The most precious word in life for every person is mom. It was for us the source of the most valuable thing - life. How does it happen that there are children and even adults from whom you can hear terrible words: “Mom doesn’t love me…”? Can such a person be happy? What are the consequences in adult life for an unloved child and what to do in such a situation?

unloved child

In all literary, musical and artistic works, the image of the mother is sung as gentle, kind, sensitive and loving. Mom is associated with warmth and care. When we feel bad, we voluntarily or involuntarily shout “Mom!”. How does it happen that for someone mom is not in this way. Why do we increasingly hear: “What if my mother does not love me?” from children and even adults.

Surprisingly, such words can be heard not only in problem families, where parents fall under the risk group category, but also in families, at first glance, very prosperous, where everything is normal in the material sense, the mother takes care of the child, feeds him, clothes , escorts to school, etc.

It turns out that it is possible to perform all the duties of a mother at the physical level, but at the same time deprive the child of the main thing - in love! If a girl does not feel maternal love, she will go through life with a pile of fears and complexes. This also applies to boys. For a child, an internal question is: “What should I do if my mother does not love me?” turns into a real disaster.Boys, in general, having matured, will not be able to treat a woman normally, they will, without noticing it themselves, unconsciously take revenge on her for the lack of love in childhood. It is difficult for such a man to build adequate, healthy and full-fledged, harmonious relationships with the female sex.

How is maternal dislike manifested?

If a mother is prone to regular moral pressure, pressure on her child, if she tries to move away from her child, not to think about his problems and not listen to his wishes, then most likely she really does not love her child. Constantly sounding inner question: “What if my mother does not love me?” leads a child, even an adult, to depressive states, which, as you know, are fraught with consequences. Mother's dislike may arise for various reasons, but most of all it is connected with the father of the child, who did not properly treat his woman, was greedy with her in everything, both in material and in feelings. Perhaps the mother was completely abandoned, and she is raising the child herself. And not even one!

All the mother's dislike for the child arises from the difficulties that she experiences. Most likely, this woman, being a child, herself was not loved by her parents ... It would not be surprising to discover if this mother herself in her childhood asked herself the question: “What should I do if my mother does not love me?”, But she did not look for answers to it and something either change in her life, but simply imperceptibly went the same way, repeating her mother's behavior model.

Why doesn't mom love me?

It is hard to believe, but there are situations in life of total indifference and hypocrisy of a mother to her child. Moreover, such mothers can praise their daughter or son in every possible way in public, but left alone, insult, humiliate and ignore. Such mothers do not restrict the child in clothing, food or education. They do not give him elementary affection and love, do not talk heart to heart with the child, are not interested in his inner world and desires. As a result, the son (daughter) does not love his mother. What to do if trusting sincere relations do not arise between mother and son (daughter). It even happens that this indifference is imperceptible.

The world around the child perceives through the prism of maternal love. And if it is not, then how will the unloved child see the world? From childhood, the child asks the question: “Why am I unloved? What's wrong? Why is my mother so indifferent and cruel to me? Of course, for him it is a psychological trauma, the depth of which can hardly be measured. This little man will go into adulthood squeezed, notorious, with a mountain of fears and not at all able to love and be loved. How should he build his life? Is it doomed to disappointment?

Examples of negative situations

Often, mothers themselves do not notice how they created a situation with their indifference, when they are already asking the question: “What if the child does not love his mother?” and do not understand the reasons, blaming again the child. This is a typical situation, moreover, if a child asks such a question, he looks for a way out with his childish mind and tries to please his mother, blaming himself. And mom, on the contrary, never wants to understand that she herself was the cause of such a relationship.

One example of a mother's undesirable attitude towards her child is the standard school grade in the diary. One child will be cheered up if the grade is low, they say, nothing, the next time it will be higher, and the other will be neglected and will be called mediocrity and lazy ... It also happens that mom doesn’t care about studying at all, and she doesn’t look at school, and she , and will not ask about what kind of pen you need or a new notebook? Therefore, to the question: “What if the children do not love their mother?” First of all, it is necessary to answer the mother to herself: “What did I do to make the children love me?”. Mothers pay dearly for neglecting their children.

Golden mean

But it also happens that a mother pleases her child in every possible way and raises a “narcissus” out of him - these are also anomalies, such children are not very grateful, they consider themselves the center of the universe, and their mother is the source of satisfaction of their needs. These children will also grow up unable to love, but they will learn to take and demand well! Therefore, there must be a measure in everything, a “golden mean”, rigor and love! Always, when a mother, you need to look for the roots in relation to the parent to his child. It is usually distorted and crippled, needs to be corrected, and the sooner the better. Children are able to quickly forgive and forget the bad, in contrast to the already formed adult consciousness.

Constant indifference and negative attitude towards the child make an indelible imprint on his life. Mostly even indelible. Only a few unloved children in adulthood find the strength and potential in themselves to correct the negative line of fate laid down by their mother.

What should a parent do if a 3-year-old child says that she does not love her mother and can even hit her?

This situation is often the result of emotional instability. Perhaps the child is not getting enough attention. Mom does not play with him, there is no physical contact. The baby needs to be often hugged, kissed and told to him about his mother's love for him. Before going to bed, he needs to calm down, stroking his back, reading a fairy tale. The situation of the relationship between mom and dad is also important. If it is negative, then do not be surprised at the behavior of the child. If there is a grandmother in the family, then her attitude towards mom and dad is a powerful influence on the psyche of the child.

In addition, there should not be too many prohibitions in the family, and the rules should be the same for everyone. If the child is too naughty, then try to listen to him, find out what is bothering him. Help him, show an example of a calm resolution of any difficult situation. This will be a great brick in his future adult life. And all fights, of course, need to be stopped. When waving at his mother, the child must, clearly looking into his eyes and holding his hand, firmly say that his mother cannot be beaten! The main thing is to be consistent in everything, act calmly and judiciously.

What not to do

The most common question is “What should I do if I am not a child beloved by my mother?” ask themselves already matured children too late. The thinking of such a person is already formed and is very difficult to correct. But do not despair! Awareness is the beginning of success! The main thing is that such a question does not grow into a statement: “Yes, no one loves me at all!”.

It’s scary to think, but the inner assertion that I am unloved by my mother has a catastrophic effect on relationships with the opposite sex. If it so happened that the son does not love his mother, then he is unlikely to be able to love his wife and children. Such a person is unsure of his abilities, does not trust people, cannot adequately assess the situation at work and outside the home, which affects his career growth and the environment as a whole. This also applies to daughters who do not love mothers.

You can’t lead yourself into a dead end and say to yourself: “Everything is wrong with me, I’m a loser (loser), I’m not good enough (good), I ruined (ruined) my mother’s life”, etc. Such thoughts will lead to even more impasse and dive into the problem. Parents are not chosen, so the situation must be released, and mom must be forgiven!

How to live and what to do if my mother does not love me?

The reasons for such thoughts are described above. “But how to live with it?” - the unloved child will ask in adulthood. First of all, you need to stop taking everything tragically and close to your heart. Life is one, and what quality it will be, for the most part depends on the person himself. Yes, it's bad that this happened to the relationship between mom, but that's not all!

You need to firmly say to yourself: “I will no longer allow negative messages from my mother to influence my inner world! This is my life, I want to have a healthy mind and a positive attitude towards the world around me! I can love and be loved! I know how to give joy and receive it from another person! I love to smile, I will wake up with a smile every morning and fall asleep every day! And I forgive my mother and do not hold a grudge against her! I love her simply because she gave me life! I am grateful to her for this and for the life lesson she gave me! Now I know for sure that a good mood should be appreciated and fought for the feeling of love in my soul! I know the price of love and I will give it to my family!

We change consciousness

It is impossible to love by force! Well, okay ... But you can change your attitude and the picture of the world drawn in our head! You can radically change your attitude to what is happening in the family. It's not easy, but necessary. You may need the help of a professional psychologist. If we are talking about a girl, she must understand that she herself will be a mother, and the most valuable thing she can give her child is care and love!

No need to strive to please mom, and anyone else. Just live and just do good deeds. You need to do it to the best of your ability. If you feel the edge, after which an anguish may occur, stop, take a break, rethink the situation and move on. If you feel that your mother again presses on you with an aggressive attitude and drives you into a corner, say calmly and firmly “No! I'm sorry mom, but don't push me. I am an adult and I am responsible for my life. Thanks for taking care of me! I will love you back. But you don't have to break me. I want to love and give love to my children. They are my best! And I'm dad) in the world!".

There is no need to strive to please your mother, especially if in all the years of living with her you have realized that any act, no matter what you do, will be criticized or, at best, indifferent. Live! Just live! Call and help mom! Talk to her about love, but do not tear yourself more! Do everything calmly. And don't make excuses for all her reproaches! Just say: "I'm sorry, mom ... Okay, mom ...", and nothing more, smile and move on. Be wise - this is the key to a calm and joyful life!