Relationship between a woman and a child from her first marriage. How to accept a child from your first marriage

Quite often you can hear from women that a man really loves the children from his previous marriage, but does not treat their children quite the way he would like. Maybe it's all about the psychology of men? And is there a way out in such a situation?

So, how does a man’s love manifest itself for children from a previous marriage and how for your children who are not his own?

Probably, this belief is associated with the experience of women who lived with both the father of their children and their stepfather. There is also a widespread opinion that men are not very interested in children until the moment when it is possible to talk to them about something that the man himself is interested in.

Of course, men often begin to communicate more intensively with children when they enter adolescence, the leading activities of which are communication with peers and mastering the social world.

In many families, especially in our country, where on the surface the family structure models seem patriarchal, the father, to a greater extent than the mother, is responsible for mastering the social world, for self-confidence, for social success. At the same time, mothers are more focused on teaching their child to communicate in the context of close emotional relationships and better feel the nuances of communication at an intimate distance.

However, all of the above does not mean at all that the psychology of men in love for children can affect him unpredictably. Everything is quite logical and, unfortunately, men are not interested in your children until they grow up. Modern men, unlike their “sex brothers” who lived in the last century, are more feminized, if by feminine qualities we mean both the frequency and quality of contacts with children.

The ever-increasing number of fathers who start selling children's cars and fiercely fight for the right to communicate with their kids once again confirms this. Whether we like it or not, there is a tendency towards gender psychological equality, which is still weak, but is gradually gaining momentum.

Gender, let me remind you, is a social gender. Both men and women, who are such by their physical sex, can demonstrate both masculine and feminine qualities in different proportions. We see masculine women and feminine men, this means that their physical and social gender may not match, and this is completely normal.

Both men and women have different parts from a psychological point of view. Every woman has an inner man, and every man also has an inner woman. The question is to what extent they are manifested.

So, the psychology of men now comes into contact with their children much more often and more actively, takes an interest in their lives, and participates in their upbringing. Increasingly, they begin communicating with the baby from the very moment of his birth - when they are present at the birth with the child’s mother. In the case when a man intensively participates in the life of his child, he cannot help but be attached to him, he cannot help but experience feelings of love and sympathy.

If his relationship with the child’s mother deteriorates, he does not transfer this to the child. More often, women begin to turn their son or daughter against their father, joining him in a kind of coalition “we are friends against dad.”

Men can also do this if they stay with the baby and the mother is kicked out of the family. But mentally healthy people are usually able to separate their relationship with their spouse from their relationship with their children.

Therefore, the love of a father who was involved in communication with his child does not disappear anywhere when parting with his mother. The only added suffering is the fact that the father cannot see the child as often as he would like.

It seems to you that the psychology of men in love for children from a previous marriage is very complex and you are not able to understand it, and the opinion that a man loves children from his beloved wife actually indicates that if a man stops loving a woman, it means he will automatically stop loving the children who were born in marriage with this woman. This is true only for those men who were not attached to children even before the divorce. Those men who had a feeling of love for children before the divorce are unlikely to lose it.

This belief also suggests that if a man marries a woman who already has children from another relationship, and he loves this woman, then he will also love the children. Of course this is not true.

There are quite a lot of men who, being in love with a woman, cannot establish contact with her children from other relationships. Feelings of jealousy may be mixed in, since the child is a constant reminder of the other man. A feeling of anxiety may arise; a man may feel that he will not be able to establish contact with the child.

Relationship difficulties may also arise due to competition for the mother's attention, which are often difficult for a man to overcome because he simply does not know how to do it.

Thus, one can only say that loving a woman can help overcome the difficulties of establishing contact with her children from a previous relationship.

But it can hardly be said that love for a woman is automatically transferred to her children, mainly because a child is born with the participation of two people. Few people like to remember that their love was once close to someone else.

What are you risking, baby and man?

What are you risking if you believe that men love children from their beloved wife? Firstly, by the fact that it will seem to you that since he loves me, he will accept my child. Women often say this, and women are often told this by other women. Of course, if he loves you, he will try. But this does not mean at all that he will succeed right away.

When you don’t know how to get a man’s love for children and when this belief reigns in your head, a woman can take a completely wrong passive position, letting everything take its course and not participating in any way in the process of establishing a relationship between her new beloved man and her child or children. It may seem to her that everything should happen by itself.

Another point of risk is that, on the one hand, this is wonderful, but on the other hand, it can become a hindrance. A woman who loves her child very much is sure that it is wonderful and everyone should love her child and be interested in him. Of course, you need to part with this attitude in the part that concerns other people.

For you, your child is the best, the smartest, the most beautiful. But for all other people, he is just a child, one of many. Just like you don't have a dollar to please everyone, your child also can't please everyone.

If you start to think this way, then you run the risk of starting to be offended by a man who will not behave the way you think he should behave.

A man may not have experience communicating with children or may not have experience communicating with step-children, but he begins to gain this experience with you, and he needs your support, not hidden grievances.

Firstly, in order to establish it, you must remember that the relationship between a man and your children, if they are not his relatives, cannot be left to chance and not participate in them at all.

The psychology of men, especially in their love for children, is a mystery for many women. Think twice before you act. A man may need your support and attention, and if so, he definitely needs help. In the end, it is not his fault that he appeared in your life after another man’s baby appeared.

Before you start giving him this support, you need to remember that the child appeared in your life earlier, which means that he has priority and he remains in first place for you.

There is no need to leave children to live with their grandparents in order to improve their personal lives - this is a mistake that will later have a negative impact. There is no need to pretend that the child is not too important to you in order to win male attention and tie the man to you.

It is important that a man understands that your child is very important to you, that you love him, that you need him. He will partly adopt your style of communication and behavior with your child; imitation is a basic mechanism for adapting to situations in which it is not entirely clear how to behave. So be a good role model!

At the same time, it is important that the man does not feel deprived of your attention; if the child has priority in the order of appearance in your life, this does not mean that this needs to be constantly emphasized.

To avoid competition between a man and your child, it is necessary to clearly understand that in the family as a system there are a number of subsystems, in particular, the marital and child-parent subsystems. It is important to separate these subsystems and communicate at different levels.

Don’t try to turn a stepfather into a parent too quickly; set aside special time to communicate with children, both your own and those you share. And also to specifically and consciously allocate time for marital communication, matters that concern only you and your man and have nothing to do with the child-parent subsystem.

At the very beginning, calmly note to yourself whether the man has difficulties in making contact with your child, and if so, what kind. To understand how you can influence this, you need to understand what exactly you will influence.

It is best to write down what you have observed and then contact a family psychologist with your child and new husband. You can also talk with your husband, find out how he sees the situation and what he would like to change about it. Once you know this, you will be able to understand what you can do on your own to make the situation change.

And if your new husband, who loves you, without any additional measures fell in love with your children, who are his own but not his own, all that remains is to be happy for you and wish you that it will always be like this!

Everything with my husband and I was according to the script: love, courtship, wedding, the appearance of the desired child. But unexpectedly for myself, after the birth of the baby, I suddenly realized that I had not one child, but two, with an age difference of 30 years. And this is perhaps more difficult than with the weather, because they will grow up, but the husband will not.

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Hostage of Love

The first time I suspected something was wrong was when I asked my husband to turn on the oven. It came as a shock to me that he didn’t know which button to press or where to place the lit match.

The same thing happened with the washing machine, but he didn’t want to know what kind of beast this was - a multicooker. And if before the birth of the child I was touched by his calls asking me to tell him again how to turn on the washing machine, then with the birth of the baby it became annoying.

I was finally convinced that my husband was my first-born when he wore torn jeans to work, because he couldn’t buy new ones without me.

After reflecting on this topic, I realized that I myself was to blame for this state of affairs. And one might say, she became a hostage of her love for her husband.

“No, no, honey, I’ll prepare everything myself, this is exclusively women’s work,” “Let’s go to the store, buy you a new shirt,” I remembered myself.

Naturally, at the initial stage of a relationship, you want to show your best side and it’s so nice to serve the man you love. But when a third appears in the family, the woman may not have enough strength and energy to continue in the same spirit. This happened to me too.

Burden of Instincts

For a man, caring for a woman is natural. From birth, his mother takes care of him, then he is looked after by teachers in kindergarten. A man, even having matured, remains at heart a little boy for whom female care is something taken for granted.

For a woman, the desire to take care of a man is inherent at the level of instinct. The man is the breadwinner, and the woman, the keeper of the hearth, must do everything so that when the husband returns with the spoils, he no longer thinks about anything.

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Here is a woman courting a man, and she is also comfortable in this situation. Until a certain point.

Of course, this problem is easier to prevent than to solve. It is better to share household responsibilities at the very beginning of a relationship and not try to predict all the desires of your man, depriving him of independence.

So, one of my friends once said:

“My husband and I agreed “on the shore” that he always washes the dishes.”

I didn’t understand her then, but now I think it was a very prudent move on her part.

A sea of ​​family relationships

What should those who “on the shore” think that in family relationships there will always be knee-deep sea and nothing for nothing? First of all, understand that it is unlikely that you will be able to change or re-educate your man.

Men in general do not tolerate changes well, and even more so those that are associated with their comfort.

So, for my man, I tried to write detailed instructions “How to cook porridge in a slow cooker.” It didn’t work, he still cooks porridge the old fashioned way on the stove in an old saucepan.

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In the absence of homemade food, I switched to the canteen and was even glad: first, second, third and compote! Even before the birth of the child, I didn’t cook so much.

He has mastered the washing machine, but he still doesn’t go shopping without me. In general, he stoically endures the hardships of my lack of care and attention.

But I decided this: since I couldn’t make my husband independent in everyday life, then let him be an exemplary father. I read in one book that the husband should have his own responsibilities in raising children, and mothers should not take all the care of the child themselves.

Somehow I decided to go for a massage, relax, and leave my husband with the child. As soon as I came out all relaxed after stone therapy, my husband called: “I broke the playpen.” A playpen that we rented and the deposit cost of which is 200 rubles! I had a good time, “relaxed”...

Is infantilism in his blood?

In general, it is important to understand this: your man’s childishness and lack of independence extends only to the domestic sphere, or is this his life credo.

We need to analyze his actions. Can he take responsibility for decisions made, is he ready to support you when needed, is he involved in the children’s lives? But he doesn’t wash the dishes after himself and asks you what pill to take for a headache? This means that he relaxes so much, getting used to your comprehensive care.

If his frivolity costs you a pretty penny, you have to take the rap for his actions or get him out of trouble, then most likely infantilism is in his blood. Then a woman should decide for herself whether she is ready to be with such a man.

And I was puzzled. And then I thought: he finally fixed the playpen, so much so that you can’t dig it. And he cooks porridge for me, even in that same old saucepan. Delicious. And he goes for walks with his daughter on weekends. He came home from work, I’ll go kiss him!

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When two people remarry, having children from the previous one, on the one hand, this is wonderful. After all, they decided not to stay in the past forever, but on the contrary, they are ready to start a new life and try to build new relationships from scratch. On the other hand, everyone still has a past, and in the face of children it reminds itself of itself every day, demanding additional attention and love. Can children from a first marriage become a serious problem for a new relationship?

You need to start thinking about how to avoid possible problems associated with children from previous spouses from the moment you meet a new potential partner. Did you just find out that your friend has children from his first marriage? This means it’s time to carefully read our advice.

Both a man and a woman, having decided to connect their lives with a person who already has children, must be prepared for the fact that there will be at least one more concern in their lives. However, as the experience of psychological practice shows, women and men have different views on the fact that an additional reason for concern will appear in their lives.

Mistakes of spouses in relations with children from their first marriage

If a man connects his life with a woman who already has children, then he will have to live with them under the same roof. And this will most likely happen in spite of his wishes - children, as a rule, remain with their mother after a divorce. In order for life in a new family not to become a burden for everyone, let's look at how, from a man's point of view, he should treat the children of his new companion.

What a child becomes in a new family depends only on the adults

Typical misconceptions of men

• Misconception #1

The man begins to think: “I am now the boss in her life, and her child must obey me unquestioningly,” and as a result receives fierce resistance from the child. How to fix the situation?

At the very beginning of your relationship with a woman, you need to be prepared for the fact that you are unlikely to become family member No. 1 for her; in real life, this happens extremely rarely. Much more often, the most important place in a woman’s heart is her child. There is no need to try to radically change anything, just try to take this state of affairs for granted. In addition, there are many examples that over time, both the child from the first marriage and the second spouse become equal members of the new family, and how quickly this happens depends on everyone, including the man. Be patient!

• Misconception #2

The man believes: “Since a new love has appeared in her life - me, her expressions of love for the child should not be as strong as before.” As a result, the child develops insane jealousy of his mother. What to do in this case?

It is very difficult to get rid of the jealousy of a child (no matter what age he is), and this must also be accepted. Yes, this is quite understandable: after the divorce, the mother was left alone with the baby, and her attention and care went exclusively to him. Why do you now have to share them with a complete stranger? Gaining a child's trust and affection, especially if he has a good relationship with his father, can be very difficult.

However, nothing is impossible, and gradually it can happen. Do not oppose yourself to the son or daughter of your new wife according to the principle “Either I, or he (she).” Most likely, your friend will prefer the child, so give him the opportunity to get used to you, spend more time together, communicate.

Be understanding that a mother still hugs and kisses her baby before leaving for kindergarten or school, in the morning after waking up, or in the evening before bed. Receiving his portion of tenderness, the baby will not object to his mother treating you well.

There are no winners in family struggles

• Misconception #3

Some men believe: “My wife’s child from my first marriage should respect me only because I am a man and I am older!”

Unfortunately, this principle usually doesn’t work in life. A person at any age understands that people are different from each other, and it is not necessary to respect everyone, especially if this is a stranger, from his point of view, a person. Wariness in relationships, rejection of new responsibilities, and sometimes a sharp denial of changes in life, even to the point of open protest, are quite understandable.

Of course, the respect of others is important for a man; it raises self-esteem in his eyes. But respect still needs to be earned, and this will happen when a man, through his deeds and actions, can convince the young man that he is fully worthy of it. Persuasion and verbal arguments, as a rule, have no power, but real help and support in some difficult situation can significantly speed up the process.

Imagine that a boy needs help fixing a broken toy or going to a football match with him. His father rarely sees him, and here is an opportunity to show his masculine qualities and become a new friend for the little man. It is only important to remember that all actions must be sincere, come from the heart, and not with the goal of quickly proving something to someone, because children sense falsehood very well!

Shared hobbies are the shortest path to mutual understanding

Common female mistakes

When women get married for the second time, many of them say: “Yes, he has children from his first marriage, I don’t mind their communication at all. Of course, he should see them and help them financially, because he is their father!

Unfortunately, after the wedding, this point of view begins to undergo significant changes. It increasingly seems to the newly-made wife that her second husband devotes much more time to the children from his first marriage than to her own (if she also has them). Gradually, financial assistance to the children (and what if also to the first wife?) becomes for her an annoying hindrance to the family budget. Other problems also arise, which let's talk about in more detail.

“I think he sees his ex-family too often and spends too much time with them.”

In this case, most likely, we are talking about jealousy. Does even the mention of your child's name annoy you? Do you think that, spending weekends with your son or daughter from your first marriage, your husband is with you less and less and moves away from you? Yes, you are jealous. And this is understandable - before the wedding, it seemed to you that nothing bad would happen if the husband and his children from his first wife saw each other. However, over time, you may begin to feel that your husband is simply taking away precious time from his new family, where he could spend time with you.
Try to look at the situation with different eyes and have a heart-to-heart talk with your husband. Discuss with him in detail his plans for future relationships with children. How often is he going to devote his weekends to them? Are you planning a vacation trip together? How much of the family budget do you agree to regularly allocate to support your husband’s children from his first marriage? When all the omissions and misunderstandings are clarified, your life will become much easier, and you will immediately notice it!

“The husband communicates too often with his first wife and talks to her on the phone for too long.”

Jealousy of his ex-wife lies in his reluctance to accept his husband’s child into his life.

Jealousy also intensifies if the husband actively continues to communicate with his first wife (option “We divorced, but remained friends”). This situation is especially painful for a woman if the first wife did not marry a second time and now may well become a real rival. Yes, she and your current husband have a lot in common: a rich past together, and most importantly, a common child. But don't forget - they DIVORCE. After all, there was some reason for this, and a very compelling one! Now think about it - what more significant reason could force your spouse to return to their previous family? It is unlikely that such a reason exists. Trust your companion, and then your jealousy, often completely groundless, will fade away.

“We need to give birth to a common child, then he will spend all his time in our new family”

A young husband and wife, even if it is their remarriage, may well decide to have a child together, and this happens very often. However, there are times when the husband declares: “I already have children from my first marriage, I no longer plan to become a father.” And this situation may suit you if you also already have a child. It’s a completely different matter when you don’t have any offspring yet, and you really want to give birth to a baby from your loved one.

Here we can advise you to find out in advance the attitude of your chosen one towards joint children. If even before the wedding he categorically speaks out against having children together, think about whether it’s worth starting a common life at the risk of never experiencing the happiness of becoming a mother?

If your husband, on the contrary, warmly supports your desire to become a mother, you should be prepared in advance for the fact that he will not ignore your first children. Yes, he will take care of your baby, but he will still give part of his time to older children. And it’s better to just accept it.

When building your happiness, do not forget about the happiness of your children

How to avoid mistakes when communicating with a child from a previous marriage

“My new husband has children from his first marriage - they’re just lovely! We get along great!” - today such a phrase can be heard less and less. The realities of modern life are such that its fast pace does not allow you to go deeper into establishing relationships, however, if you want more harmony and tranquility in your new family, try to improve your relationship with your husband’s eldest child.

No one is forcing you to love him, just treat him like an ordinary person, even if he is small for now. Show respect, be interested in what he is interested in, if possible, maintain neutrality in controversial situations and do not interfere with his communication with his father. As your child grows older, he will certainly appreciate the absence of dictates and scandalous episodes on your part.

How to prevent childhood suffering

“Children suffer the most” – unfortunately, this common phrase is very true. The baby cannot protect himself, influence the course of events, force mom and dad not to divorce and stay together - together with each other, together with him. Instead of a familiar, well-established life, he first receives an unhappy, silent mother, deeply worried about the divorce, and then the appearance of a new, stranger in their life. Mom begins to take this stranger into account and spends a lot of time with him. How does the baby feel at this time?

Most children, during the period of divorce and establishing a new relationship with their stepfather, experience an incredible shock that can have a profound impact on their entire subsequent lives. And it will depend on the mother how tangible the consequences of such a shock will be.

Under no circumstances should you radically restructure his life or force him to change his little habits. Don’t cancel your little rituals - hug your mom, kiss her before bed, talk about your business at the end of the day. Let the growing person understand that his life is still inextricably linked with you, that the new family member is not going to displace him. Let the baby constantly feel your care, attention, and, of course, love, only in this case will he grow up to be a sensitive, kind person, capable of appreciating your participation and warmth.

Video: consultation with a psychologist