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Maternal Trauma: The Daughter's Double Envoys. “The daughter does not appreciate my efforts. She will succeed.

Adult daughters often live in conflict with their mother. Some of them do not hide this and speak about it directly, complain to their friends. And someone prefers to remain silent and pretend that everything is fine in relations with their mother. But the fact remains, and psychologists know about it.

Letter without an envelope

Yes, it happens that a mother irritates her daughter so much (as the daughters themselves say - “enrages”) that she irritates her every word, any manifestation. The mother, as it were, becomes a lightning rod, a person who is to blame for all the troubles.

“Most likely, this situation stretches from childhood: comments, advice that you don’t ask for, lack of common ground,” explains psychologist Irina Sitnikova. - You have already lost hope of clarifying something, changing, reaching out, getting something other than advice: support, mother's pride, praise, sympathy. When a similar situation has not changed for years, it is easier to step back, replace irritation with indifference. And everything would be fine, but the need to love our parents dies only with us, even if we think that this need has already been carefully buried by us. You should write a letter to your mother and say in it what you are unhappy with, what you would like to change and what you expect from your mother. You don't have to give the letter to her, you need it, not her. We cannot do something to another person, but we can do something to ourselves, such as acknowledging our need to love our parents.

And then try to feel gratitude and compassion for your mother - in order to be able to love her, but remember that she is not without flaws, but you will not have another mother. To be able to be angry with her, but remember that you are angry with a loved one who has done and is doing everything for you that he can. And if she does something wrong, it is because she does not know how to love in a different way. Try to pay attention not to what the mother says, but to what she does for you. Remember that she does everything she can for you, she tries. Try to feel gratitude for what she does for you.

There is an expression: dissatisfaction with others is a projection of dissatisfaction with oneself. An adult daughter, like any person, may have different reasons for dissatisfaction: unsettled work, lack of money, lack of fulfillment in the profession, the uncertainty of her position. But the main one is the relationship with a man.

If the daughter does not have a man, then she believes that her mother is indirectly to blame. If he exists, but relations with him are unstable and do not develop the way a young woman wants, then the blame is also shifted to the mother. If the daughter has a husband, then the mother will still be the lightning rod. After all, the daughter will not express everything that she thinks to her husband: she is afraid of a conflict, afraid to ruin her relationship with him. And negative feelings accumulate, so she splashes out her discontent and irritation on her mother. Most often this happens unconsciously, without malicious intent. Just a mother is a mother, she must understand, take everything upon herself and forgive. That's how she's supposed to.

“It's a shame when children start making claims,” continues psychologist Irina Sitnikova. We always do everything we can for them. So throw away your guilt. All the children of the world are dissatisfied with their parents, for all children they are always to blame for everything. Apart from those whom their parents have left in the care of the state, these children love their parents...

All children sooner or later begin to show signs of disappointment with their "ancestors". This is normal, this is growing up, there is a process of separation. If your daughter admires you endlessly, she will never dare to tear herself away from your skirt. Now she should have another object for idealization - a man.

So just be there for her. Let her be disappointed in you. In response to her claims, say that you may not be the best mother (yes, ideal mothers do not exist), but you love her and do everything in your power for her.

Every mother doubts that she is a good mother, and this is what allows her to be a good mother. And every mother experiences the process of separation as hard as a child, even if both parties do not show it. Release your daughter, she will return to you."

Don't grow old together

Are moms always angels? Not always. Their most common mistake is to continue to consider their adult daughters as little girls and continue to play the role of a guardian-mentor in communication with them: she said something wrong, she did something wrong, do as I say! Constant advice and guidance. Daughter is pissed off. She is an adult, she wants to decide everything herself, because this is her life. And then there is a constant "correction" on the part of the mother. Mom seems to think that her daughter is still not smart enough, quick-witted, independent, so she needs to be taught, guided, prompted all the time. Mom seems to be watching her daughter all the time, controlling her. Therefore, it is not surprising that adult daughters seek to protect their lives from their mother's invasion.

But it also happens worse. If the mother has a strong, domineering character, then sometimes she manages to break her daughter's will, to subjugate her. She manipulates her daughter and blackmails her. The subtext is, “If you leave me (come home late, wear the wrong skirt, hook up with the wrong guy), then I will die.” Perhaps the mother is not aware of the perniciousness of her actions, but this does not make it easier. And if the mother manages to break her daughter's will and she completely obeys her mother, to the point that she puts an end to her personal life and stays with her mother, then they will grow old together. Have you ever seen this? Sad picture...

What is a mother to do? Internally separate yourself from your daughter. Stop teaching her, stop giving her advice and interfering in her life. The daughter is already an adult and now she must build her own destiny, even if she makes mistakes. She needs to gain her own worldly experience, the only way she can become a mature woman.

“Surely, your daughter also lacks sincerity in relationships,” psychologist Elena Kuznetsova tells mothers. - Remember yourself as a daughter: mother's love is a very important need. By refusing to be friends with your mother, a person loses a lot. But these things don't just happen. Usually they are preceded by some kind of resentment, misunderstanding, something traumatic. And a direct question is hardly enough: “What are you offended by?” In their grievances, people tend to close up, fence off. It looks something like this: “Oh, are you doing this to me? Well, I don’t need you anymore, I can do without you!” It is these "iceberg foundations" that are most often found in mother-daughter conflicts.

Everything will work out for her

You should not fight with your daughter over who is more important and who should dictate to whom. We must endure, wait and wish her happiness. Sometimes you need to be able to keep silent, take on your daughter's pain. Everything is cured and forgiven by love.

“You are the main person in your daughter’s life,” recalls psychotherapist Ekaterina Krasnikova. And she really needs you. Resentment will not help restore trust between you. Try to manage your emotions and take the first step, start a conversation. I think that it is more difficult for her to take the first step. Say that you thought you had a good, trusting relationship. Ask her what she thinks. She loves you, but protests (she herself does not fully understand what exactly she is against). Just go up to her and hug her."

Sometimes the best solution is a timeout. Stop trying to fix things. It is better to just step back from each other and let things take their course. Forget about disagreements and calmly accept everything as it is, without expecting or doing anything. Let the daughter live her life, go through her lessons, become a truly adult. She will succeed, no doubt. When she becomes a mature, independent, self-confident woman and is finally happy, then relations with you will definitely improve. You just need to calmly wait for this, believing that it will be so.

Inna Kriksunova, for Fontanka.ru

Many people do not realize that the root problem in gaining the power of the feminine is mother trauma.

Very often, there are difficulties in the relationship between mother and daughter, but this is not said openly. Because of the taboo on openly talking about the pain associated with the mother, the mother's trauma remains in the background, out of sight and only aggravated.

What is maternal trauma?

Maternal trauma is the pain of being a woman that is passed down from generation to generation of women in a patriarchal culture. And it includes dysfunctional coping mechanisms that are used to deal with that pain.

Maternal trauma includes pain from:

comparisons - feelings that you are not good enough
shame - a persistent background feeling that something is wrong with you
suppression - feelings that you need to stay small to be loved
a persistent feeling of guilt for wanting more than you already have

Maternal trauma can manifest itself in the following ways:

you don't show up fully because you don't want to scare others
you are very tolerant of mistreatment by others
emotional care
perception of other women as rivals
self-sabotage
excessive rigidity and dominance
conditions such as eating disorders, depression or addictions

In our male-dominated patriarchal culture, women are conditioned to think of themselves as "inferior" and unworthy. This feeling of "inferiority" is internalized and passed on by countless generations of women.

The atmosphere of suppression of women in the culture leads to "double binds" for daughters.

Simply put, if the daughter internalizes the mother's unconscious beliefs (which are some subtle form of the belief that "I'm not good enough"), then she gets the mother's approval, but in some way betrays herself and her potential.

However, if rather than accepting her mother's unconscious beliefs, the daughter asserts her own strength and potential rather than accepting them, then she may become aware that her mother subconsciously perceives this as a personal rejection.

The daughter does not want to risk losing her mother's love and approval, so accepting these limiting unconscious beliefs is a form of loyalty and emotional survival for her.

Realizing her potential to the fullest may seem dangerous to a woman, because in this she runs the risk of being rejected by her mother.

The reason for this is that the daughter unconsciously feels that her empowerment may trigger the expression of her mother's sadness or anger at the fact that she herself had to give up parts of herself. Then, out of compassion for her mother, a desire to please her, and a fear of conflict, the daughter may begin to convince herself that it is safer to shrink back and stay small.

A typical refusal to face this pain goes like this: "Let the past stay in the past." And yet, we can never truly “run away” from our past and bury it. It manifests itself in the present in the form of all sorts of obstacles and problems that we face every day. By avoiding the pain associated with some of life's most important, fundamental relationships, we are missing out on a key opportunity to discover the truth of who we are and to live it truly and joyfully.

Stereotypes that perpetuate mother trauma:

Look how much your mother has done for you! (from others)

My mother sacrificed so much for me. It would be selfish of me to do what she couldn't. I don't want her to feel bad because of me.

I have to be devoted to my mother no matter what. If I upset her, she'll think I don't appreciate her.

A daughter may be afraid to reach her potential out of fear of being better than her mother. She may be afraid to scare her mother with her dreams and ambitions. She may be afraid to feel envy or anger from her mother. This is more and more often deeply unconscious and is not recognized, not discussed openly.

We have all felt the pain our mothers carry. And we all blame ourselves to some extent for this pain. This is our guilt. This makes sense given the limited cognitive development of the child who sees himself as the cause of everything. If you do not address this unconscious belief from the position of an adult, then you can stay with it, which as a result will be a significant limiting factor.

The truth is that no child can save his mother.

Whatever a daughter sacrifices, she can never make up for the high price her mother paid, or the loss and deprivation she endured in her life, just being a woman and a mother in this culture. And yes, this is what many women do for their mothers from childhood: they subconsciously decide not to leave or betray their mother, and therefore avoid becoming too “successful”, “smart” or “daring”. This decision comes out of love, fidelity, and a true need for the mother's approval and emotional support.

Many of us identify devotion to our mother with devotion to our own trauma, thus contributing to the suppression of ourselves.

These programs are deeply unconscious and work continuously. They can be present in even the most healthy, supportive mother-daughter relationship, to some extent simply by virtue of being women in this society. As for daughters whose mothers have serious problems (addictions, mental disorders, etc.), the impact of this trauma on them can be especially destructive and insidious.

The mother must take responsibility and mourn her losses.

Being a mother in our society is incredibly difficult. I've heard many women say, "No one ever told you how hard it is" or "There's no warning about what happens when you get home with a baby and realize what's required of you." Our society, especially in the US, is merciless to mothers, they are given very little support, and many women raise their children themselves.

The following unspoken messages from mothers are common in our society:

If motherhood is difficult for you, then you yourself are to blame.
It's a shame not to be superhuman.
There are mothers from God to whom this is easy. If you are not one of them, something is wrong with you.
You are supposed to be able to do everything with ease: have obedient children, be sexually attractive, have a successful career and a secure marriage.

Mothers who have sacrificed so much to bear and raise children in our culture sometimes feel rejected when a child expresses and manifests their unfulfilled dreams. A mother may feel that she belongs to her children, or a need for appreciation from her children.

This is a very subtle manipulation on her part. This trend leads subsequent generations of daughters to belittle themselves so that their mothers will continue to feel the value of their mothering role, for which they have sacrificed so much, but received so little support and recognition in return.

Mothers can unconsciously and very subtly project deep anger onto their children. However, this anger is not really aimed at the child.. It targets a patriarchal society in which a woman often has to sacrifice herself, her own life, to raise a child.

For a child who needs a mother, sacrificing himself to somehow alleviate the mother's pain is often an unconscious decision made at an early age. In the later life of the child, this solution may lie at the root of deep problems, and this is revealed already in adulthood.

Maternal trauma exists for two reasons: because mothers do not have a safe space to work out the anger directed at society and its demands on the mother; and because daughters feel an unconscious fear of rejection for choosing not to make the same sacrifices as women in previous generations.

Our society does not provide a safe place for mothers to express their anger. So often these feelings unconsciously splash out on the child. The daughter is a very attractive target for a mother's anger also because the daughter has not yet had to give up her individuality for the sake of motherhood.

A young daughter can remind her mother of her unexpressed potential. And if a daughter values herself enough to reject those patriarchal demands that her mother once had to swallow, she can easily arouse subconscious rage in her mother.

Of course, most mothers want the best for their daughters. However, if the mother hasn't dealt with her own pain or come to terms with the sacrifices she's made, her support for her daughter can read subtle messages of shame, guilt, or obligation between the lines. They can slip in the most innocent situations, more often in some form of criticism or exaltation of the role of the mother. Most often, the essence is not even in the spoken words, but in the hidden resentment contained in them.

A mother can redirect her subconscious anger from her daughter and prevent her trauma from being passed on to her by allowing herself to live through her grief and mourn her loss. In addition, the mother should make sure that she does not view her daughter as the main source of emotional support.

Mothers need to mourn what they had to give up, what they wanted but never got, what their children could never give them, and all the injustice of this state of affairs. However, as unfair and dishonest as it may be, the daughter should not compensate for the loss of the mother or feel compelled to sacrifice oneself in the same way. This requires incredible strength and integrity from mothers. And in this healing process, mothers need support.

A mother frees her daughter when she consciously works through her own pain rather than making it her daughter's problem. In this way, the mother allows her daughter to fulfill her dreams without guilt, shame or duty.

When mothers unconsciously make their daughters feel responsible for their losses and share their pain with them, this creates a dysfunctional connection reinforcing the daughter's belief that she is unworthy of her dreams. And this supports the daughter's belief that somehow she is the cause of the mother's pain. This can really destroy her.

Daughters who grow up in a patriarchal culture often have to choose between their own strength and the love of others.

Most daughters choose the love of others over gaining power. They are afraid that their self-realization and gaining strength will lead to the loss of love from important people, in particular, mothers. Therefore, women remain small and unsatisfied, unconsciously passing on maternal trauma from generation to generation.

A woman is overcome by a vague but strong feeling that gaining power can destroy her relationship. And women are taught to value relationships more than anything else. We cling to the ruins of relationships while the soul yearns to fulfill its potential. But the truth is, relationships alone can never fully satisfy our hunger for a fulfilling life.

The balance of power in the mother-daughter relationship is a taboo topic and the root of maternal trauma.

Much of the above remains unmanifested due to taboo and stereotypes about motherhood in our culture:

Mothers are always supportive and loving

Mothers should never be angry or resentful of their daughters.

Mothers and daughters should be best friends

Stereotype "All mothers should be loving all the time" deprives a woman of the right to be an ordinary person. Because women are denied the right to be just people with all human weaknesses, it is also justified in society not to give mothers due respect, support and not provide them with the necessary resources.

The truth is that mothers are people first and foremost. Every mother can have moments of non-love. And indeed, there are mothers who often simply do not show love, perhaps because of their addictions, mental disorders or other difficulties. And until we come face to face with these uncomfortable realities, maternal trauma will remain in the shadows and will be passed down from generation to generation.

We are all patriarchal to some extent. We had to internalize this in order to survive in our society. When we can face it in ourselves, we can confront it in others, even in our mothers. This will probably be one of the most agonizing moments we will have to face. But until we are ready to go into it, to touch this trauma, we pay a very high price for the illusion of peace and strength.

What does maternal trauma cost us?

By living with this trauma and not healing it, you fill your life with:

A vague but persistent feeling of "something is wrong with me"

Refusal to fulfill one's potential due to fear of failure or stigmatization

You have weak personal boundaries and lack clarity about who you are

You don't feel worthy or capable of creating what you really want

You don't feel safe enough to have your own space and speak your truth.

You build your life on the principle of "the main thing is not to risk"

You self-sabotage when you're close to a breakthrough

You unconsciously wait for permission or approval from your mother to start living your life.

What is the relationship between maternal trauma and the divine feminine?

Now many people are talking about "embodying the divine feminine essence" and being an "awakened woman." But it is impossible to contain this power of the divine feminine while we still have the feeling that we are expelled from the Feminine.

Let's face it: the mother is the very first manifestation of the Goddess for us, and meeting with our mother is the first meeting with the Goddess. First you need to muster up the courage and break the taboo, face your pain experienced in your relationship with your mother. Otherwise, divine femininity will remain just another fairy tale, a fantasy that we are saved by a mother who will never come. It only leads to spiritual immaturity. It is necessary to separate the mother as a person from the mother archetype in order to become conductors of this energy. You need to dismantle the false structures in your mind before building new ones. Otherwise, we run the risk of getting stuck in a kind of limbo, where our integrity is short-lived, and it seems that we can only blame ourselves for this.

Without acknowledging the influence of mother's pain on our lives, we in some way remain children.

To gain and unleash your full power and potential, you need to look at your relationship with your mother and dare to separate your personal beliefs, values, thoughts from her. To do this, you need to allow yourself to feel grief from the fact that you have witnessed mother pain. You need to work through your own pain from it. It is very difficult, but this is the first step to true freedom. It is worth living through this pain, as its energy is transformed and ceases to create obstacles in life.

So what happens when a woman heals her mother's trauma?

Healing the mother's trauma causes the power dynamics to change because women no longer need to hinder each other's growth in order to ease their pain. The pain of life in a patriarchal system is no longer a taboo. No need to pretend and hide your pain under the guise of lightness and ease. Take a look: this pain is not causal, accept it, live it and integrate it, thus transforming it into wisdom and strength.

The more women work through this trauma, the more likely it is to create a safe space where women can express all their inner pain and receive the support they need. Mothers and daughters will be able to communicate with each other without fear that their true feelings will destroy the relationship. There will no longer be a need to push the pain into the shadows, where it manifests itself as manipulation, competition or self-blame. We can pour out our pain in tears, mourn it, and then it will be cleansed and become love. Love will manifest as strong support for each other and deep acceptance of yourself, the freedom to be yourself to the fullest, to be creative and fulfilled.

After the mother's trauma is healed, there is an understanding of the incredible power of the mother's influence on the well-being of her child, especially in early childhood, when mother and child are still inseparable. Mother forms the foundation of our personality: our beliefs begin with her beliefs, our habits with her habits. Much of this is so unconscious and basic that it is hardly noticeable.

Maternal trauma is ultimately not so much about the relationship with the mother, but about accepting yourself and your abilities without shame.

We turn to mother trauma because it is an extremely important part of self-realization. It's like saying "Yes!" her ability to be the strong and fulfilled woman that each of us is called to become. Ultimately, healing the trauma of motherhood is about recognizing and honoring the foundation that our mothers laid for us. They did this so that we could build our own unique lives knowing what we want and what we are capable of.

Benefits of healing mother trauma:

The ability to freely manage your emotions, to see them as a source of wisdom and information.

Healthy boundaries that keep the best version of you up to date.

Developing a solid "inner mother" who provides unconditional love, support and care to the inner child.

Competence. Feeling that everything is possible, openness to miracles and all that is good.

Connecting with your inner goodness and the ability to bring it to everything you do

Deep compassion for yourself and others

The ability to not take things too seriously. There is no need for external confirmation to feel good. There is no need to prove anything about yourself to others.

Trust in life that it brings everything you need

Security and freedom to be yourself

Much more…

Getting involved in this healing process, we gradually remove the thick fog of our projections, acquire clarity and gratitude to ourselves, love for ourselves. We no longer carry our mother's pain and belittle ourselves because of it.

We have the strength to confidently manifest in life, to create what we want without a sense of shame or guilt, but with passion, strength, joy, confidence and love.

For every person, the first trauma in the heart is connected with the mother, with the feminine. And in the process of healing this trauma, our hearts open from a state of compromise, protection and fear to a new level of love and power that connects us to divine love and Life itself. From this moment on, we are connected to the archetypal, collective heart that beats in all living things.

We bring to the world the true compassion and love that the world needs right now. Thus maternal trauma opens up the possibility of initiation into the divine feminine. That is why it is so important for a woman to heal her. Your personal healing and reconnection to the heart of life, the path of the feminine, will affect the whole and support the process of our evolution. published

Translation Anna Petrosyan

Daughter did not appreciate her poor father ※ Copy Link & paste in new tab: https://bit.ly/2Pvcd2n Once upon a time there was a six-year-old girl Gulnara, whose name is translated as a pomegranate tree flower. She differed from her peers in that she was very thin and weak, she quickly got tired. The children did not really like to play with her, but she was drawn to them with all her heart, she was a very open and trusting child. Gulya was born with bad kidneys, local doctors could not help her, her parents spent all their savings on her treatment, but the baby was getting worse and worse. And then, her father, Bahram, a poor peasant, decided to take his sick daughter to an overseas doctor who lived in a distant country. Guli's mother's name was Maryam, she sent letters asking for help to various doctors all over the world, but she never received a response from them, since the treatment cost a lot of money, which the family did not have. And only in one country, which had a hospital for children from poor families, she was promised to consult a child. The whole village escorted Gulya and dad on this difficult and long voyage: fellow villagers helped to collect some money, clothes and food. Bahram was a loving father, he swore that he would do everything possible to save his only daughter. He looked sadly at Maryam, hugged her, took Gulya in his strong arms and went to the seashore, where a small fishing boat was waiting for them. For two long weeks they sailed to a distant land, where a doctor was waiting for them. Gulya was getting worse and worse, she could no longer walk on her own, her small body was full, her legs turned into decks due to edema. Dad brought the girl to the hospital at sunset and immediately handed over to the doctors. He did not close his eyes all night, looked hopefully into the small window on the second floor, where his daughter lay in the ward, listened to her cry from the injections, and his father's heart was torn from grief and impotence. Suddenly, someone called out to him, he hardly took his eyes off the window, and saw that an old woman in a black cloak was standing in front of him. Bahram was all glowing with happiness. Now his Gulya will live, play with children, go to school, become the most beautiful bride in their village, and beloved Maryam will stop crying at night at the head of a sick child. It was already dawn, the light in the window went out, he quickly went to the emergency room to the doctor, but his heart was beating evenly and calmly, his soul was filled with joy. A doctor was standing on the hospital porch, holding Gulya by the hand. He thanked the doctor, said goodbye to everyone, and went with his daughter to the pier. On the fourteenth day, their boat moored to their native shore, all the villagers came to meet them. Maryam could not believe her eyes - her daughter seemed to have been replaced. Gulya became a cheerful, mischievous girl, she ran with the children, jumped, rushed around the yard with her beloved puppy, and the sonorous laughter of the baby pleased her mother's heart. After dinner, Bahram began to get ready and told his wife and daughter that he wanted to visit the grave of his father and mother, plant a pomegranate tree sapling there. The man asked for a clean shirt and a new red belt, which Maryam had given him. He left and was never seen again. Only on the grave of Bahram's parents did a young pomegranate tree appear, the trunk of which was tied with a red belt ... P.

I am raising a 10-year-old daughter, I work two jobs, my ex-husband does not help. We go to the cinema together, go to a horse farm, relax by the sea, read books. But the child does not seem to appreciate what he has: either he will smear new shorts in paint, or he will stain the whole apartment in flour. How not to turn into an ever-screaming mother?

Julia, 34 years old

It is still important to understand here: does the girl “harm” on purpose, soiling her clothes and apartment? If so, then it would be worth contacting a child psychologist. But children, even at the age of 10, still cannot control themselves well enough to wash their hands perfectly and not spoil their clothes. The child only enters the wonderful world of neat things and small spots. Most likely, the daughter already knows how money appears in your house. And it is unlikely that she is pleased to see that her mother is upset because of the damaged clothes.

And just imagine: to cook food, you need to control how water flows, where you put the bag with flour, how tightly you close it, how you pour out the flour, how you start rolling the dough with a rolling pin ... This is difficult for an adult, not every person can cook accurately and clean up after yourself. Remember: in what circumstances do incidents occur?

Most likely, for the daughter, these are moments of creativity. If you know exactly what she will draw, then you should not dress her up in a ball gown - choose a skirt or shorts that you don’t mind getting paint on. So you will help her learn to be neat faster. It seems that it is difficult for you to cope with all the affairs alone, you get tired at two jobs, you do everything to be an ideal mother. Is it possible to neglect something? Try to take care of yourself. What helps you rest and recover? Maybe it's a walk in the park or a hot bath. Take time out for yourself for at least half an hour a day. Your daughter will definitely understand.

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