When people love but not together. "We love each other, but we don't sleep together"

Good afternoon. Dear consultants, I would like to get an answer to my question. Almost 3 years ago I broke up with a man, it was a hard, emotional breakup. Both of them had very strong feelings at the time of separation. But they could not come to a compromise. To tell the truth, these feelings still exist, but they are calmer. But they could not find a compromise in that he did not need family relationships (he was married), but needed relationships for meetings. And I always wanted to have a family, a shared life, family dinners, breakfasts, etc., although I also had a divorce behind me, but I was not disappointed in family life. We started living together, but I saw that it depresses him, my presence irritates me at times. We tried to live separately, meeting on weekends. This didn't suit me. In general, there were a lot of quarrels, and somehow gradually we parted. Both are currently in a relationship. I dated a man, and a year ago we started living together, and he is dating a woman and lives with his mother. But we cannot completely break the connection, we call each other every day, are aware of all the events in each other’s lives, and there is even a small degree of jealousy. I often have a question: is it really possible that if people have different ideas about relationships and living together, it is impossible to find a compromise, or if there are different paths, then no feelings will help to be together? There was a frank conversation recently, and both admitted that there are still feelings, and there is attraction, that everyone thinks there will be no more such feelings, but... there are a lot of “buts” already. After all, there was a common life, and relationships for meetings, but it turned out that everyone in both cases “broke themselves over the knee.” Thanks for the answer!

Elena, Russia, 39 years old

Family psychologist's answer:

Hello, Elena!

I’ll answer your question right away - yes, it may be that the mutual feelings of two people do not automatically mean their readiness to live together. This is especially common in mature couples. When everyone has their own experience and already established idea of ​​a comfortable personal life. it may well be private. A person has fallen in love with another person, but is not ready to lose himself or his habits. And then either such a person meets his partner with a similar relationship scenario and they can even enter into a so-called guest marriage, or he does not meet. It is obvious that you are the same mature person with your own views on family life, but your views do not coincide and you, like your man, are not ready to lose yourself and agree to a relationship model that does not suit you, which will not make you happy. Which is certainly worthy of respect, because you have the right to it. Good luck to you!

Best regards, Elena Rakitova

Image caption Jacob and Charlotte haven't had sex in three years

Some 18% of respondents under 30 had sex less than 10 times in the past year, a survey of 2,000 people by Mumsnet and Gransnet found. Among participants of all ages, this figure was 29%. We talk to three couples who find themselves in this category, despite the fact that, according to their partners, they love each other dearly.

"The reason we don't have sex is because of me," says Amanda, 35, from London. "I'm so tired from work and housework that I think my libido is tired too."

Amanda and Steve have been married for six years. Watching their two-year-old son play nearby, they laugh when I ask why they only have sex once every six weeks.

“What kind of sex is there - the child is nearby all the time. Even if you manage to put him to sleep for a couple of hours, there are things that need to be done around the house, and sometimes you yourself need to catch at least a little sleep.”

But according to sex therapist Martin Burrow from Relate, it's not just parents who can have their lives robbed of sexual pleasure by busy schedules.

Image caption Amanda and Steve have no time or energy left for sex

"More and more people are complaining that they are dissatisfied in their sexual relationships," says Martin. "Whether this is because people talk more freely about sex now, or whether there is actually less sex in their lives, I cannot say. At the end of the day, relationships are fulfilling regardless of sex. Some may happy without sex, someone needs it - that’s not the point.”

Jacob and Charlotte - both 23 - are still in love, although there is no room for sex in their relationship.

“We’ve been together for four years, three of which we have gone without sex - we plan to continue this,” says Charlotte. She, unlike Jacob, is asexual - that is, she does not need sex.

"We tried sex first to see how much we needed it. But it didn't make either of us any happier. Jacob doesn't like having sex with someone who doesn't enjoy it."

For some men this could be a reason for a breakup, but not for Jacob.

"I have a fantastic relationship with a wonderful man," he says. "There are other ways to show your love and affection."

However, not everyone is capable of such understanding.

Image caption Steve and Tom are married but have never had sex with each other

Tom and Steve, from Bristol, have been together for four years and got married a year ago. They never had sex with each other.

Both consider themselves asexual and laugh when they talk about their first date. It ended in a shared bed and became, according to Tom and Steve, the best casual relationship that each of them had ever had before, because absolutely nothing happened during it.

According to Tom, modern society is increasingly sexualized, but this does not mean that people are having more sex. “Although,” he adds, “the idea of ​​frequent sex as the norm is being actively promoted and, perhaps, someone, under the influence of this propaganda, is forcing themselves to have sex regularly.”

Young people talk about how amazed their interlocutors are when they learn that Tom and Steve have never had sex with each other, and often ask how they love each other if they can do without sex?

In such cases, their answer is simple: “If there is sex without love, why can’t there be love without sex?”

Image caption According to Dr Martin Burrow, sex is not a prerequisite for intimate relationships

For Martin Burrow, there is no such thing as a “normal number of sexual encounters.” According to him, some couples can reach the highest emotional level in a relationship without having sex at all.

For other couples, the amount of sex may change at different periods of life depending on circumstances - the appearance of children, workload, health status.

For Amanda and Steve, mutual understanding was the key to a relationship that was strong and healthy even without regular sex.

“Don’t get too discouraged,” she advises young parents who find themselves in a similar situation, “because this happens to many of us.” She laughs and turns to Steve: “It will still happen, I promise you!”

I am 23 years old. I was in a serious relationship with a guy for 5 years. It was getting close to the wedding. We complemented each other and were one. His family became my family and vice versa. Lately there has been discord in the relationship and there has been a lot of arguing. We never celebrated our anniversary, although I was expecting a proposal from him, because we had been talking about the wedding since the summer.

At the beginning of November, he went to a corporate event. Came late and drunk. I went into his phone and saw a correspondence with his colleague, he wrote to her that he really liked her, etc. With tears and hysterics, I began to wake him up and find out what it was, told him to take his things and get the hell out. She tore up all our photographs that were hanging on the wall, in general, she threw a real hysteria. Now I feel terribly ashamed of this site. I did not give an account of my actions. This mistake of mine was a lesson for me for the rest of my life. When, in the end, I realized that everything was useless, I left in the middle of the night to spend the night with a friend.

In the morning, when I arrived home, I saw that he had packed his things and was ready to leave. I wasn't myself that day. I couldn’t believe that this was all true. He didn’t try to forcefully return or apologize, he literally wrote one SMS “I need you.” After 3 days, I decided to talk to him, we met and decided that we needed to continue the relationship, and it was a stupid mistake. But literally the next day after this conversation, he told me that he wanted to live alone, that he needed time. Almost 2 months have already passed, during all this time we have seen each other 3 times and then only on business. Over time, he deleted photos of them together from social media. networks, leaving only a couple of very old ones. He answers my calls calmly and talks as if nothing had happened. When I needed his help with the site, he came and helped.

A couple of weeks ago we had a telephone conversation in which he said that he still loves me and that he misses my laughter. I remembered the quote “we don’t value what we have, but when we lose it, we cry.” But, despite this, he doesn’t want to return to the relationship, but he admits that everything will be like in the film, that after some time we will see each other, and everything will be fine again. He said that he was sleeping, hugging a pillow and imagining that it was me. That there was much more good than bad in the relationship. He also said that when he drives past my house, tears well up in his eyes. However, at the last meeting, when I asked if he wanted to take everything back, he again answered in the negative. He spoke such words about love only on the phone. And when we met, he only complimented me that I was very beautiful and had become even more attractive.

I think about him every day, every minute. I want to return him and be together again. As he told me at our last meeting, “I don’t want to hurt you anymore,” but he doesn’t imagine that without him it hurts me much more. I made an attempt to return the relationship, but it did not end in success, he wanted to live alone. He was completely immersed in work. I don't even know if he has anyone. He doesn’t speak, and his mother, with whom we still communicate, doesn’t know anything either.

After the breakup, I couldn’t come to my senses for a long time, I didn’t eat anything and lost 8 kg, although for my physique this is for the better. Now I keep myself in shape. New Year is coming soon and I don’t even know how to celebrate it without him. I don't even know what to do next. What to do, and is it possible to return everything back? Almost 2 months have passed. He is very cold on the phone and does not show any initiative in communication.

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Jacob and Charlotte haven't had sex in three years

Some 18% of respondents under 30 had sex less than 10 times in the past year, a survey of 2,000 people by Mumsnet and Gransnet found. Among participants of all ages, this figure was 29%. We talk to three couples who find themselves in this category, despite the fact that, according to their partners, they love each other dearly.

"The reason we don't have sex is because of me" says Amanda, 35, from London. "I'm so tired from work and housework that I think my libido is tired too."

Amanda and Steve have been married for six years. Watching their two-year-old son play nearby, they laugh when I ask why they only have sex once every six weeks.

“What kind of sex is there - the child is nearby all the time. Even if you manage to put him to sleep for a couple of hours, there are things that need to be done around the house, and sometimes you yourself need to catch at least a little sleep.”

But according to sex therapist Martin Burrow from Relate, it's not just parents who can have their lives robbed of sexual pleasure by busy schedules.

Amanda and Steve have no time or energy left for sex

"More and more people are complaining that they are not satisfied with their sexual relationships,"- says Martin. "Whether this is because people talk more freely about sex now, or whether there is actually less sex in their lives, I cannot say. At the end of the day, relationships are fulfilling regardless of sex. Some may happy without sex, someone needs it - that’s not the point.”

Jacob and Charlotte - both 23 - are still in love, although there is no room for sex in their relationship.

“We’ve been together for four years, three of which we’ve gone without sex - we plan to continue this way,”- says Charlotte. She, unlike Jacob, is asexual - that is, she does not need sex.

"We tried sex first to see how much we needed it. But it didn't make either of us any happier. Jacob doesn't like having sex with someone who doesn't enjoy it."

For some men this could be a reason for a breakup, but not for Jacob.

"I have a fantastic relationship with a wonderful man," he says. "There are other ways to show your love and affection."

However, not everyone is capable of such understanding.

Steve and Tom are married but have never had sex with each other

Tom and Steve, from Bristol, have been together for four years and got married a year ago. They never had sex with each other.

Both consider themselves asexual and laugh when they talk about their first date. It ended in a shared bed and became, according to Tom and Steve, the best casual relationship that each of them had ever had before, because absolutely nothing happened during it.

According to Tom, modern society is increasingly sexualized, but this does not mean that people are having more sex. "Although, - he adds “The idea of ​​frequent sex as the norm is being actively promoted and, perhaps, under the influence of this propaganda, someone is forcing themselves to have sex regularly.”

Young people talk about how amazed their interlocutors are when they learn that Tom and Steve have never had sex with each other, and often ask how they love each other if they can do without sex?

In such cases, their answer is simple: “If there is sex without love, why can’t there be love without sex?”

According to Dr Martin Burrow, sex is not a prerequisite for intimate relationships

For Martin Burrow, there is no such thing as a “normal number of sexual encounters.” According to him, some couples can reach the highest emotional level in a relationship without having sex at all.

For other couples, the amount of sex may change at different periods of life depending on circumstances - the appearance of children, workload, health status.

For Amanda and Steve, mutual understanding was the key to a relationship that was strong and healthy even without regular sex.

"Don't be too sad," she advises young parents who find themselves in a similar situation. “Because it happens to many of us.” She laughs and turns to Steve: “It will still happen, I promise you!”

Now I don't know what to do. My boyfriend and I broke up, we lived together for 5 years, although somewhere in the middle of this period we didn’t live together for a little less than a year. I have my own apartment, and if we break up, he moves in with his mother. But the fact is that even if we break up, we are physically attracted to each other, and we are simply already close people, we know each other well. That is, it turns out that when we live together, we constantly argue, we cannot agree on anything and no one wants to give in, it becomes morally difficult to live, hostility and eternal dissatisfaction appear on both sides, it all accumulates, we move away in all respects and live like strangers. As soon as we leave, we start calling another friend, meeting, getting bored. I want a family, children. I’m not happy with such a relationship when we live apart. At first I tell him myself that I don’t want to live with him, then I feel lonely, I look for a meeting with him, we start dating, then I understand that this doesn’t suit me either, I want to live with him again, I remember how sick it was sometimes and I reach a dead end. That is, it turns out I don’t know what I want. Still, I suggest he move back in. He says - do you want everything to happen again a second time? I say "No. I want it to be different, let’s try to agree and discuss. where we were wrong, to look for a way out of the conflict situations that arose. I say that perhaps I was wrong in this or that, I reacted too violently here, or was harsh, that is, I want to show that I am ready to admit my mistakes, although deep down I consider myself right. In more than one situation he does not admit his guilt, he believes that he acted correctly and could not do otherwise, that he will not change, it turns out that I need to accept him like this, in everything, I need to adapt to him and change myself, but there are situations with which I simply cannot come to terms with. I have a feeling that we should be judged by someone else, but it should not be a biased person (mother, sister, friend), although it is strange that 2 adults cannot agree on their own. I am at a loss, I don’t know what to do, or rather I know that I need to break off the relationship and find a new one. But the men I meet disappoint me, the more I think that maybe he is not as bad as I think, it turns out that the more I try to distance myself from him, the more I am drawn to him. Over time, grievances are forgotten, and a new romance begins, number 3. But we both don't want to go back to the way things were. He even suggested a guest marriage, this is not acceptable to me. I’m 28, I live alone, and he’s 30 with his mom, what nonsense. I have a feeling that we need a psychologist. Maybe someone can help me here to resolve this insoluble problem? Break this vicious circle?