Why are children needed? A complete family. Adopted children

From a psychological point of view, a full-fledged unit of society is a family with at least two children. Every woman, sooner or later, acquires the desire to experience maternal feelings. Various situations happen in life, some strive to have children, and some are immersed in work, forgetting about their true purpose of becoming a mother.
Before getting pregnant and giving birth to a baby, any woman should have a clear idea of ​​why she decided to take this step and what goals she pursues.

Without a clear psychological position, without knowing exactly for what purpose the child was born, he can become a reason for irritation due to committed and thoughtless actions.

Having given birth to a baby, it is necessary to remember that, having given life, we are obliged to give care, love and warmth, regardless of what motives were laid. Before deciding to take such a serious step, it is worth answering a number of important questions, weighing the pros and cons, so that in the future, parents and child can live a full life.

Due to the fact that male and female psychology has huge differences, the goal of having a child is radically different. A woman sees in the baby her self-realization of maternal feelings, the creation of a full-fledged family, and with the birth of a long-awaited and planned child, a woman finds meaning in life. A man views a child as an object to continue his family line, to realize his paternal aspirations; the child will inherit the family name.

Having set out on the path of parenthood, a married couple must clearly decide for themselves what force drives their desire to become parents, what goals they pursue. Future parents should remember that, having given birth to a baby, while pursuing certain motives, realizing their ambitions, you can forget about full care of the child, not pay enough attention and training to him, which in the future can lead to a violation of the baby’s psychological state.

As a rule, children appear in a full-fledged family, which consists of a father and mother. A woman strives to give birth to a child to a man whom she loves and wants to give the most beautiful thing in this world. Love for a man will give rise to the desire to bear children for him, thereby making him happy every time.

Often, due to the prevailing circumstances, a woman who does not have a loved one next to her gives birth to a child for herself, thus she shows the surrounding society her importance and a solution to the problem of avoiding a lonely old age. In this case, the child serves as a solution to personal problems; as a rule, such children will not receive full care and love.

Having assessed their strengths and financial condition, the couple is ready to become parents. The man and woman must remember all the responsibility to the unborn child, they must know exactly what they can give him. As the political system develops, a woman who has a large number of children is always treated with a special approach when hiring, single women are subject to public discussion, a lack of material resources leads to the creation of an unfulfilling life for the family and especially the baby. The high cost of life becomes the main reason to abandon the idea of ​​giving birth, since in modern society many values ​​have been lost; giving birth and raising one child is considered a very big step and feat.

However, all people cannot be equal, despite all the difficulties and different opinions, people continue to give birth to children. There are many reasons for having a baby. Ideally, they do not occur on their own in society; any adult always has several reasons to give birth. Therefore, we can consider several scenarios for why we need a child:

• The most important sign of giving birth is the “instinct of procreation.” Man gives birth to his own kind, thus completely succumbing to animal instincts. The parent considers the child as a method to continue his family, surname, and leave a memory of himself in society.
• Despite all the difficulties of life, lack of material goods, lack of housing conditions, people have a child. This principle is similar to the “herd instinct”. Everyone is giving birth, and I will give birth! Everyone has two or three children, why am I worse? A woman’s motivation can be a friend with many children who gives birth every year, experiencing a feeling of maternal satisfaction.
• Children are often seen as a “gift of fate.” This could be a request from parents or husband to give birth to a child for them. At the same time, the woman herself may not experience much happiness and euphoria from the thought of becoming a mother, since in the end all responsibility and care for the baby falls on her shoulders, and she didn’t really want this at this period of her life.
• Very often, a child is seen as an “extension of oneself,” the realization of everything that parents could not realize in their lives, their goals, their creative and scientific inclinations. It is worth considering that a child cannot always be intellectually and psychologically similar to his parents; he is born with his own psychology and temperament, and often simply does not live up to all expectations, which causes disappointment to his parents.
• Insurance against “lonely old age”. Many people believe that having given birth, they will not be left alone with themselves at the end of their lives, that there will be someone to bring them a glass of water and help them cope with their needs. This approach is not correct, since having such a desire, children are left without special upbringing, they are not given special attention, and love is not given in as much quantity as there really should be. Such people may remain dissatisfied, since having received less parental attention in childhood, their child is unlikely to pay attention to them in their twilight years.
• Having given birth to a child, a woman or man acquires the status of mother or father of the family. Thus, they prove their importance to the whole society and the people around them. The appearance of a baby changes their psychology, people change their outlook on life, begin to achieve new horizons, as they now consider themselves the main breadwinner and breadwinner in the family.
• Sometimes a woman gives birth to a child in order to “keep a man”, as a means of manipulation. However, it is worth remembering that male psychology is quite unshakable; if a man decides to take the true step of leaving a woman, then nothing will keep him near her. A child who has become an object of manipulation is rarely enveloped in maternal care and love.

There are a huge number of such examples; they can be described for a long time. All the tendencies of having a baby are mixed in the parents. A child is always born with some expectation of him in the future, to realize plans and interests. It is important not to forget that a baby is a serious step in the life of every adult, and the desire to give birth must fully mature in everyone’s head. It may also be necessary to consult a psychologist who will help you sort out all the dots and find the true motivation for creating a full-fledged family.

A self-sufficient person will always be glad to have a baby in his life, will experience joy from communicating with him and will not look for solutions to his internal problems in him.

“I’m pregnant...” one of my friends suddenly said in a half-whisper, off topic.

- Why do you need it? — the second, more “experienced” friend, who at that time had two children, immediately reacted.

Then we had a conversation on this topic, even an argument. Everyone expressed their opinion, and I remember that they did not come to a common opinion. Partially agreeing with someone, everyone remained with their “interest”. Then our conversation switched to another topic, and the question was drowned in a stream of important and not very important problems.

The appearance of a child in a family always seems so natural that the question “Why?” does not arise.

However, now, when children born out of wedlock do not cause condemnation, now, when it becomes quite easy to “raise” a child without a man, now, when a man can “have a child” with the help of a surrogate mother, now, when the right to consciously abandon children has become socially acceptable, with all the changing situation and freedom of choice, the question “Why do I need a child?” remains very relevant.

But really, why?

“Give birth, you fool, give birth... The man came, the man left, and the baby is always with you, your little blood, the only close person who will love you...”— I accidentally heard this conversation on the train.

What can one say to this, everything seems to be correct, everything is fair... I have heard reasoning in this or very close to this version many times. But does a parent have the right to hope that filial (or daughter) love will replace his marital love? Can a child's love replace an adult's relationship with an equal partner? Is it fair to the child to place such a burden on him?

"…What a question? So that you won’t be left alone in old age!”

I can’t help but agree, lonely old age is a terrible fate. After all, our parents have the right to count on our help, so to speak, “to take advantage of the fruits of their care.” It’s only wrong when this is the only hope for help, for which we need a child. Is it possible to love your parents out of obligation or out of a sense of duty? It seems to me that such love has a very strong formal flavor... And now the thought that children are not grateful does not leave parents alone.

Sometimes children are needed to help save a collapsing family, to “tie” or bring back a husband. Or, for example, to marry yourself... Not an easy mission! The family may survive, but will good relationships be restored and love return? And if suddenly not, it turns out that the child did not live up to expectations?

They also give birth for “health”, to improve living space, to change social status or improve financial situation...

Loving and caring for the weak is one of the important and deep human needs, and if the birth of a child is due to this need, what could be better?

In my opinion, it is important not to get too carried away... unbeknownst to themselves, under the influence of this very need, mothers and fathers forget that they must provide the child with conditions for the development of his independence. They continue to prevent all his desires, satisfy all his needs, turning the child into a dependent person, incapable of life.

This happens... Parenting is completely absorbing, but this only happens when there are no stable interests, friendships, professional plans, or marital intimacy. And perhaps this is the time to ask yourself the same question again: why do I need a child?

There are many answers to this question and everyone has their own answer. The answers may vary in content, but many answers will have the same meaning. And it is not at all necessary that, despite all the “dubious” reasoning, the story of the birth of a child will have a bad ending.

It is important to remember that out of all the many answers and reasoning, there is only one reason for pregnancy, which has become the main one, and it is this that will in the future have a great influence on the fate of the child, his future life scenario.

Eric Berne, a famous American psychiatrist, also called this a life plan and argued that it is formed largely depending on how the parents treated the child. It is important for us that the foundation of this plan begins before birth, and by the age of 5-6 it is almost complete...

What scenario will your child live by: a “winner” or a “loser”, will he grow up as the pride of the family or will he not be able to live up to your hopes... Perhaps he is destined to become the heir to the glorious traditions of your family...

So why do I need a child? And is there even a single correct answer that would guarantee a happy motherhood and childhood?

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• 0-1 year
• 1-3 years
• 3-7 years

Why do we need children? As a rule, we never ask ourselves this question. The more common question is “do I want a child or not?” Sometimes it happens that a child takes the decision to be and is born without asking our consent. When we already have a child, we don’t ask the question of why we need him, we simply live and try to fulfill all our parental responsibilities to the best of our ability and in accordance with our picture of the world.

However, in my opinion, the view of a psychologist and a mother, this question is very important. At the same time, not every mother will be able to clearly answer this question, first of all, to herself.

Improve your health, attach a husband (wife), separate from your parents' family, feel your adulthood and independence, show your mother (father) how to raise children correctly, gain a new social status as a parent - all these are quite common motivations for having a child. There is also a list of reasons accepted in society, such as: to raise an assistant, to raise a good person, to give a child an education. And another thing accepted in Christianity: “a woman will be saved through the birth of children.”

It is sad to state this fact, but none of the listed reasons reflects the value of the child as such. The child is a means of achieving our parental goals and in this context, in his very design, does not live his own life...

The list of situations when the birth of a child should solve some problem of the parents can be continued for a very long time. And of course, few of us parents admit to ourselves that the child suffers greatly from such a message in life. A child should not solve the problems of an adult, he is just a child and is simply not capable of this

I wanted to write this article because at a certain moment I felt that I had grasped this “why?” Moreover, it seems to me that many parents have this (and maybe even every parent), it’s just that no one tells us about it. No one talks about what is the most important reason, why it is worth giving birth and raising a child. After all, at one time we were also born and raised to solve some parental problems. And now it is difficult for us to live our lives, and we saturate it with the problems and tasks of our child, losing our life and not allowing the child to decide on his own.

If we talk about raising a child as living a certain part of life together, we will not have excessive expectations from our child, which put such a burden on his childhood life. This means there will be no endless disappointments and resentments. This means that the child will be able to realize his natural potential by studying and developing himself.

This does not mean that we become passive and no longer take the child to developmental clubs. No, this means that we take a child to a dance class not in order to raise an ideal dancer and feel like an ideal mother, but in order to show the child that there is a world of dance, and if he or she likes this world, then he or she will she can devote part of her life to developing the ability to move to music...

Anna Smirnova, psychologist

The best way to make childrengood is to make them happy. / Oscar Wilde

Probably, the title of the article caused confusion among most readers.

But try to answer yourself why you gave birth or are going to give birth to a child. I think not everyone will answer right away, but after thinking a little more, they will understand that the answer was not entirely honest, and there is a lot more personal behind it.

The issue of giving birth to a child is very complex, because the purpose for which you want to give birth to him will influence his entire future life. And believe me, your parents’ motivation for bringing you into the world still has a huge impact on you.

Most of you will answer that the child is

• this is the meaning of life
• procreation,
• these are helpers in old age,
• this is an opportunity not to repeat/correct your own mistakes,
• to convey experience and knowledge,
• to raise a worthy person and much more.

It turns out that in most cases the child is needed for something, and few people perceive the child as a separate person. The child serves as a container for hopes, desires, for the realization of what we ourselves could not.

Yes - all this is and will always be in the desires of parents, and that’s normal!

• proof that he/she is capable of giving birth,
• a means to combat loneliness,
• the only way to keep your partner close,
• fulfill a duty to family/society.

In this version, the child is perceived not as the fruit of loving people, but as a replacement for something or a way of compensation/substitution. In this case, any attempts by the child to realize himself as an independent person will either be doomed to failure or be achieved with enormous difficulty.

Normally, a child grows up and learns to be happy and sad together with his parents; in this case, he is heard and listened to, and the parents grow and develop together with the child. In such a family, a child is not a duty, not a necessity, he builds his own life, and does not carry our burden of claims to him.

But you should always remember a very important rule:
Regardless of the equal relationship with the child, he should always know and remember that he is a child, and you are a parent, and you have your own rights and responsibilities. That you are the boss in the house.

Perhaps, special attention should be paid to the desire of parents to have a child of a certain gender. Being in her mother’s tummy, for example, a girl hears and feels how her mother and father want a boy and call her a man’s name. She is no longer comfortable inside; in such cases, labor is most often protracted, and the child can be born either premature (the desire to break free and “regain” its gender) or post-term (anxiety is so great that it is better to stay inside as long as possible).

Of course, after some time the parents will love their baby very much, but for the girl it will be a strong intrauterine trauma. As she grows up, she will have problems not only with her parents, but also with the opposite sex.

Psychologists working at sex reassignment clinics very often hear stories from their patients about how their parents wanted a child of the opposite sex. And although over time they said that they loved their child, the body remained hateful for the child (this is not the only reason for changing gender!).

It’s worth thinking about, if you want to have a child, is the gender of the child so important to you? If the child is really not a means to satisfy your needs, but a living person, your flesh and blood, then you should tell him about how you are waiting for the time when he will come to you. And you shouldn’t expect only a boy or only a girl.

There are two more, from my point of view, terrible needs for a child to give birth to a child.

1. The first is a child to replace the deceased. More often they give birth to replace (!) their own deceased child, but there are cases when they give birth to a child “in replacement” of a deceased relative (mothers, fathers, grandmothers, grandfathers, sisters, brothers and cousins).
   Such children are initially programmed not as individuals, but as replacements. They are faced with the impossible task of becoming an exact copy. More often than not, they simply do not understand who they are and why they were born. It is difficult for them to understand what others want from them. Or vice versa - they try so hard to fit the image that they live and die like the one they replaced.
2. And secondly, this is a child to save what already exists. As scary as it may be to write, today in world practice there are cases when they give birth to a child in order to save the life of an existing one by transplanting a healthy organ. I don’t know whether such people can be considered mentally healthy, but there are facts.

I really want children to be born simply because one day two people met each other, fell in love and decided to start a family, build a nest, support each other in sorrow and joy.

Family always begins with the appearance of the third!
Only the appearance of a child in the house makes this house truly alive!
And we can realize ourselves as a parenting couple only when we have children!
And it is very important to realize why you need a child!
After all, what we invest at conception, we get as a result.

Children are very good, but it is important to value them and love them as individuals!

Let children's laughter sound in your home!

The first question that is important to clarify for spouses even before the moment of conception is the question of motivation: why do we want a child? Why do we need children? As a rule, there are always several motives, and they may differ between husband and wife. Some motives are recognized, but many remain hidden in the unconscious, and only a specialist can help discover them, using special techniques, including questionnaires. Answers based on a generalization or categorical statement: “It’s natural - all normal people want it” or “It’s our duty, it’s how it’s supposed to be, without children a full-fledged family is impossible”, from a psychological point of view, indicate the infantilism of future parents rather than their readiness for the birth of the first child. Why? There are many reasons, we will list some of them.

Firstly, The desire to have a child is not a sign of “normality”, and not all “normal people” want to become parents, just as not everyone wants to get married. There are different paths and destinations in life (for example, monasticism), different opportunities and features, and there are situations in which parenthood, although desirable, is not feasible. Therefore, “everything” and “normal” are not suitable as an explanation here.

Secondly, “It’s the way it’s supposed to be” - in this case calls into question the freedom of choice spouses, and with freedom comes responsibility. “We were told, we did it” - here this is an infantile position, because in order to fully realize your parenthood, it is important to be personally mature: “I am ready, I can, I want, I choose, I answer.”

And finally, thirdly, The completeness of a family is not determined by the presence of children. Thus, Saints Peter and Fevronia, who are revered in Russia as the patrons of family and marriage, according to legend, were childless. After the birth of Jesus Christ, the Old Testament attitude towards childlessness as God's curse and punishment changed. People's expectation of the Messiah coming into the world was replaced by the desire to implement his commandments in their lives.

Of course, it is wonderful when a family has children born in love, and the Bible says: “And God blessed them, and God said to them: be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth and subdue it” (Gen. 1:28) . It is only important not to forget something else: in the prayers of the wedding ceremony, the Orthodox Church expresses the belief that childbearing is the desired fruit of a legal marriage, but at the same time not its only goal. Along with the “fruit of the womb, for the benefit” of the spouses, gifts of enduring mutual love, chastity, and “unanimity of souls and bodies” are requested ( Quote from: Fundamentals of the social concept of the Russian Orthodox Church).

The birth of a child is not the meaning or purpose of marriage, but also not a “means of saving the soul,” as those who prefer to focus their lives on quotes from the messages and sayings of the holy fathers, taken out of context, believe.

There is also a myth about the so-called maternal instinct. Debunking myths is a thankless, but noble task, so let’s risk encroaching on the “sacred.” Let's start with the definition: the main feature of instinctive behavior in animals is that it is innate, carried out automatically, reproduced unconsciously, that is, without any participation of thought and will. But man is not an animal. By assuming that a person has instincts, we question his freedom. Based on the above, the first argument “against”: a person, from the point of view of Christian anthropology, does not and cannot have instincts, since this would contradict the idea of ​​a person created by God in His own image and likeness and possessing freedom, will and creative gifts .

Of course, one could say that this argument is only good for believers. But there is another one that everyone understands: If we consider the desire to have children to be instinctive, how then can we explain the situation with abortion? If parenthood was instinctive, there would be no abortions at all, but this, to our deepest regret, is not the case. Instinct is something that all “individuals of a given species” should have, but then why today does our country rank among the first in the number of abortions as a percentage of the total number of children born? Abortions are performed by both women who do not have children, those who have already given birth, and even those with many children. One explanation for such a depressing picture: the generally accepted attitude towards children as an “object of desire” (“I want to have a child”) also implies the opposite pole - “I don’t want to have a child.” It’s as if the life of an individual can be discussed in the categories of “to have and not to have.”

We will not dwell on the description in detail destructive motives for having children, we will just list some of them:

Strengthen relationships in the family (tie your husband to yourself, return your husband, prevent his leaving);

Force your partner to marry;

Improve living conditions;

Force parents to accept the marriage;

Giving birth “for health” (“abortion is harmful, but pregnancy rejuvenates”);

“to give birth to spite everyone”, to take revenge;

Receive material benefits;

Change social status and much more.

Such motives have a destructive effect on marital relationships, on the personality of each spouse, and on the life and development of the child - we hope that this is clear without explanation.

So, all motivations for having children, from our point of view, can be divided into two types: “child-object” ( means) and “child-subject” ( unconditional value).

A “child-object”, having been born, must provide its parents with satisfaction of their psychological needs:

In unconditional, selfless love and loyalty (“Having taken the child in my arms, for the first time in my life I felt that someone loved me just like that, would not exchange me for anyone, and this would be forever!”; “At least someone loves me will love”; “I will always be the best and most beloved woman for my son!”);

In a sense of self-worth (“I am a mother, and a mother is sacred!”) and usefulness (“I, like any normal person, have children”);

In the sense of my own life (“Before the birth of the child, I did not understand why I was living”; “If something happens to the child, I will have no reason to live”; “My children are the main and only meaning of my life”);

In self-affirmation (“My child - I do what I want with him”; “I am a king and god for my children”);

In self-realization (“Children should achieve everything I dreamed of”; “Children are my continuation, my pride!”; “My child should have everything that I didn’t have”);

Feeling like an adult and smart (“Children are not your toys!”; “Don’t teach me how to live, I’m now a parent myself!”; “Give birth yourself first, and then you’ll give me advice on parenting!”);

In one’s own need (“Children will always need their parents”; “Where will he go without us”; “Now I have at least one close person whom I can take care of”);

Safe and secure (“I will never be alone”; “There will be someone to bring me a glass of water in my old age”).

It turns out that future parents have some kind of deficit, some unsatisfied desires, ambitions, fears that they hope to cope with with the help of the child, and the baby, not yet born, already owes them something. Inadequate expectations placed on a child cannot be justified by definition - after all, they are initially built on false ideas. Although “folk wisdom” would argue with us here, because the phrases that we cited as examples were taken from life and sound natural to many, their correctness is beyond doubt. But in this case, this is not the voice of wisdom, but of “folk” stupidity, since all the above statements are an example of selfishness, egocentrism, personal immaturity, and not an adult parental position (forgive me if anyone recognizes themselves in these examples).

When a child does not act as an object, but is perceived by parents as a subject, as a person, relationships with him are built on completely different grounds. The emphasis is no longer on expectations from the child that he will give something to his parents (or get rid of something), but, on the contrary, the focus is on the parents' ability to meet the baby's needs. The “fairy tale about the norm” assumes that by the time the spouses are ready to become parents, they already have an emotional and personal “living wage”: a sense of the unconditional value of their own personality and life; conscious meaning of your life; adequate self-esteem; honest knowledge of their strengths and weaknesses, their capabilities and limitations (therefore they do not need unlimited power over the child to assert themselves); various ways of self-realization, acceptance of oneself, other people and life in its entirety; courage in the face of unpredictability and uncertainty of the future.

That is, these are two adults.

After reading this list, someone will be surprised: if I have all this, I live a full and interesting life, then why do I need a child? And this is the most important thing: it is not the child who needs the parents, but the child who needs the parents; it is not the baby who must meet the expectations of adults, but adults who must have sufficient resources (both physical and psychological) to satisfy all the basic needs and desires of the child.

When parents have an excess of strength and mutual love, joy and they are ready to generously share this, to give their wealth with all their hearts, then their child has a chance to feel like a subject, a valuable person, worthy of unconditional love and care.

But in the minds of many modern people, parent-child relationships are, alas, turned upside down. How wonderful it would be if children were born from an excess of parental love and strength, and not to make up for their deficiencies and heal complexes.

A conversation to clarify the motivation for having a child may not be pleasant. Perhaps one or both spouses will suddenly discover that they are completely psychologically unprepared for the arrival of a baby. “So what now - not to give birth, but to wait for the onset of personal maturity? And if she doesn’t reach old age, then you’ll end up without children?” - this is a typical question at lectures, seminars and consultations. Whether to wait or not to wait, how long to wait and for what - the decision is made only by the spouses themselves, since this decision lies in the area of ​​their personal responsibility, and no one has the right to either allow or prohibit them. It is only important that, when making one of the most important and fateful decisions in their lives - the decision about a future child - the spouses are well aware of their characteristics and limitations, understand which of their own psychological needs are not yet satisfied, and learn to find different ways to satisfy them, without involving children in this “honorable mission”.

Happy, fulfilling parenthood is possible even with imperfect parents (to be honest, we have never seen perfect ones). The main thing is that they do not count on the child as a deliverer from intrapersonal problems and interpersonal conflicts. At the same time, children, of course, to some extent influence their parents’ self-esteem, their sense of the value and meaning of life, their self-realization, etc., etc., but this is not their main task. Every child comes into this world to become themselves to the full potential that God placed in them. And adults are simply obliged to take care of creating the best (based on their capabilities) conditions for the development of personality, which the Lord has temporarily entrusted to their care.

Psychological readiness for parenthood may include the following:

Recognition of the greatest significance of the birth of a new person into the world (instead of treating the child as an object, which devalues ​​the individual);

Awareness of one’s adequate responsibility for the life, health and development of the child (instead of inadequate hyper- or hypo-responsibility - “everything” or “nothing”);

The ability of parents to show unconditional love and loyalty (instead of expecting it from the child);

Feeling and recognition of the unconditional value of the child’s life and personality (instead of the desire to assert oneself at his expense);

Respect for the child’s personality and own meaning in life (instead of making him the meaning of his life or imposing his own meanings on him);

The ability to support the child in his self-realization (instead of self-realization at his expense);

Recognition of the child’s right to identity, individuality (instead of ignoring or denying the child’s characteristics and dragging him into dependent relationships);

Willingness to create safe and secure conditions for the child’s development, to take care of his needs and satisfy both physical and psychological needs (instead of making a parent for himself from the child - expecting from him care, attention, understanding, etc., as from adult).

Difficult requirements, but, you see, the task is extremely complex and responsible.

From the new book by Archpriest Andrei Lorgus and psychologist Olga Krasnikova, “Life after the wedding,” published by Nikea publishing house.

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