If he is married. Prospects for romance between not free people

Mankind has long and unsuccessfully struggled with treason in relations between two people. It's all about the generally accepted morality of the society where we live. Society values ​​monogamy, and loyalty to one partner throughout life or long-term relationships between people is considered worthy of emulation. But for some reason, people now and then have novels on the side, and this happens not only when the young and inexperienced suddenly find themselves. A married man and a married woman can also be in a love relationship. In some cases, such relationships arise quite unexpectedly, while in others they fall like snow on their heads. And then a married man and a married woman, realizing that an affair has arisen between them, do not really understand what to do with all this.

In the layman's mind, most married men (especially if they are successful, don't need money, and still have very little to themselves) have, or at least should have, a mistress. The mistress should be young, free. For a man, this is such an expensive toy, like a luxury car. Only alive. Only for some reason no one seriously considers the option when a married man fell in love with a married woman.

A man makes gifts to his luxurious young mistress: he pays for housing or buys an apartment, a car, clothes, jewelry. The mistress in return gives him warmth and affection. He relaxes in her company, resting from his disgusted wife.

A similar image of the lover-lover relationship is replicated in tabloid literature and in the media. You will always see such a model of relationships in soap operas or trash serials about businessmen, policemen, women of difficult fate on our TV channels.

How the relationship between a married man and a married woman develops in life

But life is a more complex substance, and it is much richer in it. Including in relationships between lovers. Very often, a man does not need an expensive live toy at all. A man needs a woman next to whom you can really relax and unwind, get support from such a woman in those endeavors that the man’s family is skeptical about. In the end, a married man simply feels like a person, and not a breadwinner or the head of a social cell. At first, a friendship between a married man and a married woman may arise, and then these relationships will begin to develop incrementally.

In this case, the man will look not so much towards young girls, but towards almost the same age or women who already have some life experience. As a rule, most of these women are already married. And it is unlikely that such women are ready to divorce in order for a new man to enter their lives. There remains only an option that is officially condemned by our society, but in fact it occurs all the time: first sex, and then love between a married man and a married woman.

Why the relationship between a married woman and a married man can be comfortable

Why is a married man comfortable in a relationship with a married woman

Almost any woman who has agreed to the role of a mistress subconsciously tries on her current lover for the role of her future husband.

With a married woman, a married man is a little easier: she has such a desire too deeply disguised. Usually, from the outside, she has a completely ordinary life: a husband, children, work, friends and ... a lover. A married woman will think ten times before making any attempt to change one man for another.

A married woman will also think three times that her lover is also married, and therefore the changes will obviously affect the lives of more than two people who suddenly decided that they would now live together. That is why a married man is comfortable in a love relationship with a married woman.

First of all, from the point of view of security for one's own family, and because the current situation - a lover and a mistress, each of whom has their own families - can exist for a long time in time.

Additional outputs of the relationship of a married man with a married woman

For a married man in a relationship with a married woman, there are other positive aspects.

• sex life

The sympathy of a married man for a married woman arises from sexual interest. A married man and a married woman can have a new sexual experience in their relationship, unlike "family sex". At the same time, each of the lovers from the couple "married man and married woman" has a certain insurance in terms of getting STDs. No matter how hot the relationship between lovers is, each of them has a family behind their backs, and therefore venereal diseases are clearly not what they want to bring home.

The beauty of romance between a married man and a married woman

• Connection of a married woman with reality

A lover can give gifts to his mistress. But in the case of a married man and a married woman, such gifts will clearly not be cars, diamond necklaces or other expensive items. For a married woman, her lawful husband may well require an explanation if such gifts suddenly arise. And after such explanations, it’s not far to the revelations, and then - a divorce, courts, lawyers, alimony, and so on. It is unlikely that any of the lovers, burdened with families, wants such an ending for their relationship.

A married man can save a little on gifts for his married mistress.

• Confidentiality

As folk wisdom says, everything secret sooner or later becomes clear. With a young mistress, the secrets of a married man can cease to be secrets much sooner than with a married woman.

A married woman has no less reason than a married man to keep relations with him secret from her family and, above all, from her husband.

In this sense, a married man and a married woman play on the same team.

How can a married woman have a married lover

It is generally accepted that men are hunters and adventurers. In a world where adventure is a problem, and all hunting becomes a hunt for position and career, it is relationships with women that can give men a sense of their own importance.

How a married woman can have an affair with a married man

With women, things are much more complicated. Among them, of course, there are also adventurers and those who collect various men, but in most cases, for a married woman, an affair with a married man is a very bold step, which can be taken by really serious reasons.

One of these serious reasons is a strained relationship with her own husband. This may be due to the fact that people have been married for a long time, and the husband has lost interest in his own wife. Hence - rare (or none at all) signs of attention and the same rare sex. Sooner or later, such a woman is pushed to meet other men by sexual dissatisfaction and self-esteem falling below the plinth.

A woman’s relationship with her husband may also not work out because people who have married are at different levels of the social ladder or there has been a huge gap in their intellectual development.

This happens when a woman marries too early, having no life experience at all, but with his appearance, she begins to look at many things, including relationships with her own husband, with a great deal of objectivity.

In order for another man to appear in the life of a married woman who can be married, it is enough for such a reason as the betrayal of her own husband, which she found out about. In this case, at the initial stage of relations with a married man, a married woman can only be guided by revenge. Another thing is that a fleeting romance between a married woman and a married man can develop into a relationship in which love is born and which each of the couple begins to value no less than having their own family. Here, each of the couple - a married man and a married woman - can fall into a real psychological trap.

The risks of an affair between a married lover and a married mistress

There are perhaps two of the biggest risks in such a relationship. The first was mentioned a little higher: a married man and a married woman fall into a psychological trap from which there is practically no way out. A painful search begins for the answer to the question of what is more expensive: family, husband (wife), children, established ties and everything that is called “life” or relationships on the side.

It seems to a person that it is with this woman (man) that a completely different life is possible, which is written about in novels, trying to answer the question of what true love is. Sometimes this really happens, people give up what they have for the sake of new relationships in which they hope to find what they do not have. True, even according to statistics, the percentage of such new marriages, born from the relationship of a married woman and a married man, is negligible. But how do romances between unfree lovers end in most cases?

How do the novels of not free people end?

Prospects for romance between not free people

A romance between a married man and a married woman can last forever, but the statistics again show that this is not the case. On average, a relationship where the lover is married and the mistress is married lasts about three years. People can experience bouts of love and passion, and then cooling follows.

After about three years, in most cases, a married man and a married woman end their relationship. People understand that they value their own families more, they begin to think about relationships with their legitimate partners, they try to somehow improve them and take them to a new level. Very often, the experience gained in the novel on the side helps them in this, where each of the partners is also not free.

If you already have an affair with a married man, when you are married, try to enjoy such a relationship while they bring joy, but never think that you can become the wife of this person, try not to try on this role for yourself, so that later you will not feel bitter disappointment. If possible, try to avoid romance with married men (especially if you are married yourself), because there are no global prospects in such relationships. You can participate in such relationships exactly until the moment you feel love for this married man.

You can't order love. This is an immutable truth that many different people learn from their experience every day. But what to do and what to do when you find out that he is married? This question in itself is very subtle and very ambiguous.

On one side of the scale is your love, on the other is the family happiness of a loved one. Which of these is more important is up to you to decide, and we will try to simulate typical situations of the development of events.

He is married. What to do?

Option one. Try to forget your love

If, after much torment, you nevertheless chose this most difficult option for you, then you should know that you saved the family of your loved one from a possible collapse, did not ruin his life, and perhaps this is even for the best for everyone.

This is especially true if his family is successful and happy - your intervention can break two lives (and if you have children, then much more), and think about it - are you ready to pay such a price for your happiness?

Option two. Try to win back the one you love

If your love burns you like fire, you understand that you and your loved one are the perfect couple, then you may try to break this marriage and start your own family. Here, too, several options are possible.

The first and most understandable - you succeeded, the marriage is broken, you are a successful new family. In the red - children from a previous marriage and the previous chosen one herself. For obvious reasons, we cannot say how big these are minuses, since everything depends on the specific situation.

The second option - it was not possible to break up the marriage, you quarreled with your loved one and his chosen one. There is only one way out - to leave the stage so as not to provoke further conflicts - even if the beloved can be beaten off, then love on his part will not be complete.

Do you need extra problems when love is lost? Probably not. That is why we advise you, in such a development of the situation, to turn again to the first option, without rejecting it outright.

Pros of being in a relationship with a married man:

You will not be alone;

You may be looked after;

Perhaps he will understand and stay with you forever;

A new relationship filled with pleasure.

Cons of relationships with married people:

If he stays with you, his children are fatherless;

Your man will constantly run from his wife to you;

You are being used for personal purposes;

He can play enough with you and go to his wife.

Of course, these are only the main directions for the development of the situation - in each individual case, there may be additional options and conditions. Therefore, we are careful not to give more specific advice on this issue and we only hope that now the answer to the question “what to do if he is married” has become at least a little clearer to you.

In addition, we hope that you will not have to answer it, and if you have to, then you will make the most correct, honest and fair choice of all possible and do not destroy your own and others' happiness.

What if he is married?

If you find that the man you like is married, consider the following:

Firstly, a happy spouse will never take off his ring to satisfy himself with an unknown woman. It means that something is not going well with your man in the family;

If you had a serious relationship with a person, and then you accidentally find out that he is married, then you just need to find out about his intentions regarding you and find out the reason for his act. Don’t even think to wind yourself up, what to ask him, and it hurts ... Just don’t think about it - ask him at the first meeting, and don’t pull. Believe me, a lot of men just need to be looked for;

With the likelihood that you still love each other. Try to find out why your loved one ended up in a relationship with two women. Talk seriously and if you still love each other, then let him know that sharing your man with another woman is unpleasant for you and you are not going to endure it. Let him solve his problems with marriage and stay with you or vice versa;

There is also an option when married men are simply played by women. They get what they want and leave them, returning to the family.

He is married? Don't ruin your own life

Remember that your life depends only on you. And your relationship is also a component of this life. Do not forget that falling in love with a man without first receiving the same feelings from him is very irresponsible. This is how you betray yourself.

Naturally, a man is the head of everything, but do not forget that a woman is a neck. Therefore, for the most part, everything depends only on us, because no one forces us girls and women to love married people, pledging to take care of them. And also to suffer and worry about men who do not care. It’s just that all women sometimes need to stop taking everything so sincerely.

Also, since women are now strong and soft, each has its own attitude towards married men. Some drop everything at once and leave, while others stay and just wait. Waiting even when it would be worth leaving.

Life sometimes plays cruel games with us, especially when it gives us love with a person who is not free. Often women fall in love with a married man with such a “bait”. Trying to analyze what the consequences may be after this, we destroy our own lives. But what if you really fell in love with a person who already has a family? How to build a relationship with a married man if feelings are mutually captivating?

How to behave if he is married

What you need to understand for yourself:

Choose for yourself exactly the role that is important: both of you are not free or one of you is not free, is it really love or passion, or maybe it is beneficial for both of you to have such a relationship? Always remember that nothing happens without consequences, and be both ready for a turn in your destiny;

Do not forget that such relationships last as long as it is convenient for one of the partners. Do not draw illusions and live in reality;

It is advisable to immediately destroy that connection if a man carefully hides his marriage - this lie can become habitual for him, and you will be guilty of destroying someone's family. Remember, if a man lies to his mistress, then he lies to everyone;

Remember that you knew what you were getting into;

But if your feelings are mutual, fight for your love.

Enjoy what's happening. Maybe your meetings are based only on sexual connection, but the paradox is that finding a suitable partner in sex is not so easy, then your task is not to be led by a man, but to become the main one in a relationship. Meaning, to meet not when he is “impatient”, but when the two of you succeed;

No need to demand what is not yours. He will still spend all the holidays with his family, so for this period you need to think in advance of a great activity to fill in these gaps. Yes. Difficult. But you knew what you were getting into;

Do not try to destroy the family of your chosen one. Learn to be such that you can give him exactly what he lacks in married life. Become not like a wife, but more than a wife. Therefore, do not claim the leading place in your relationship and do not devote yourself to a married man with a head. Your life also needs attention and adjustment. Do not miss the opportunity to be with loved ones, travel, etc.;

If there is an opportunity to meet your man's friends, try to be charming to them. After all, the opinion of friends about his choice is very important for a man. And such steps will bring him closer to you;

Be patient and don't claim what's not yours. Accept that sooner or later you will need to end this relationship;

Look for your love.

No married man wants to change one wife for another. He can swear his love to you, write passionate SMS and be very gentle, but all he needs from you is sex and raising his own self-esteem. You are nothing more than just a toy.

If he is married and cheating on his wife with you, you are the “other” woman for him. You are not the only one he sleeps with. And it suits him.

1. It suits him that you come to him and then go home.

He has no obligation to you. You are a great option to have an easy and pleasant time.

2. He is satisfied that he can get everything he needs from you.

In other words, he is just using you. You give him sex, flatter his vanity and make him feel special. Why would he change anything?

3. He's fine with NOT being with you all the time.

If a man truly loves you, he will find a way to spend all his time with you. He will buy you gifts, pay for you and help you solve your problems. But instead, he returns to his wife, spends time with her and buys gifts for her.

4. Everything he does, he does for himself.

He has sex with you because he likes it and because it's not allowed. Then he sends you home or he goes home to his wife, because it's convenient for him.

5. Your communication is full of mysterious sadness.

Of course, it should be as brief as possible, because it is difficult to remember everything that he says to all his mistresses.

6. He will cheat on you.

If by some miracle you still manage to destroy his marriage and take him away from his wife, you can be sure that he will cheat on you too. It's just that the forbidden fruit is sweeter. The cheaters know this better than anyone else.

Therefore, girls, if you managed to meet a man for whom you are the only one who wants to be with you all the time - appreciate him! If you do not appreciate a decent man, he will be forced to assert himself with the help of other women.

Certainly not to be recorded in someone's phone as Kostya the mechanic. And not for your girlfriends to shake their heads: “What a horror.” Every medal has two sides. And if everything is more or less clear with the minuses of your situation, then the pluses should be discussed separately.

History of relationships with married people

Two girls who tried on the role of a mistress told us their very similar stories of relationships with married men that ended in different ways.

Maria, 29 years old, lover experience 5 years

“Victor and I met quite banally - on social networks. Both were married, looking on the Internet for “passion and unforgettable sex”, which for some reason were not in our marital beds. Everything happened very quickly: I divorced my husband because it was beyond my power to lie. Everything turned out to be more complicated for him: it turned out that his wife was pregnant. It's funny, but he consulted with me about the name for the future baby. I couldn’t leave him: we traveled together, spent free evenings together and, it seems, fell more and more in love with each other. But over time, it became clear that this could not go on forever. One day I packed my things and moved to live in another city.

However, our story did not end there. A few months later, Vitya said that he was divorcing his wife and asked me to come back. We have been married for two and a half years, we are raising a wonderful son. And all this despite the fact that for 5 years of our informal relationship, I have never asked Victor to leave his wife. He made his own choice."

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Masha's story ended happily, so she can safely talk about the advantages of a relationship with a married man:

1. You are a girl who is not afraid of difficulties, because an affair with a married man is a continuous difficulty. If you have embarked on this path, then you are a real fighter.
2. You want a relationship without commitment and without continuation, so a married man is the perfect option for you. When you get tired of text messages that look like ciphers, just tell him that you are tired of uncertainty and you wish well to his family.
3. You do not want to communicate with his family. No Saturday dinners for you with your mother-in-law, joint holidays where all his relatives up to the 7th knee gather, and currant bushes in the country.
4. Most likely, he is an adult and experienced. And that means he has a lot to learn. And in bed too.

But being the mistress of a married man is not as pleasant as it might seem at first glance. Nadia's story about an affair with a married man confirms this.

Nadezhda 25 years old, lover experience - 1 year

“Sergei was my work colleague. I knew that he was married, but there was real passion between us. Frequent and short meetings outside of work were interrupted by a call from his wife, who kept losing her unfaithful husband. Once Sergei, as if by the way, told his colleagues in my presence that his wife was pregnant. It was like I was struck by lightning. I firmly decided to stop our meetings, but he did not want to leave my life. The last straw for me was that one day Sergey forgot about my birthday. By that time, he had already left the company. I realized that no matter how we were drawn to each other, in the first place for Sergei will always be his wife. I ended the relationship. And his calls stopped with the birth of a daughter in his family.

Here are the significant disadvantages of a relationship with a married man:

1. Such relationships will always have to be hidden. Your "faithful" will not want to shine in society, which means that dates will always take place in quiet places. Well, if you get out "into people", then you will always be tense, because you will not be able to take his hand or kiss him.
2. You will have to spend alone or in the company of the same single girlfriends all the holidays, including the New Year and your own birthday. After all, your loved one will surely want to celebrate significant dates with his family.
3. Jealousy. Even if you think that this feeling is not typical for you, over time it will begin to overcome you. This will happen as soon as you start thinking that every morning he wakes up in the same bed with his wife, after each call he leaves you alone and hurries to her. It is she who gets stability and his constant care. And you have nothing but passionate sex and his big words.
4. Forget about the prospect of developing relationships. He already has a beloved woman who cooks dinner for him, irons, erases, and maybe brings up his children. Life is good! Why leave and start over?
5. You cannot count on such a man entirely. This is a "quantum" person in your life - he is either there or not.

When agreeing to an affair with a married man, be honest with yourself. Weigh all the pros and cons of a relationship with a married man, analyze what you risk spending years of your life on. And don't let the man fool you!

She is not free internally, and therefore is not ready to enter into a serious and permanent relationship. A strange, busy man just right. Such a man is the guarantor of freedom and "connection with the pope."

A woman subconsciously benefits from such a hopeless relationship. According to statistics, if a man does not end his relationship with his wife in the first year of a relationship, then he is not going to end it, but is going to have fun.

Such a woman is often not ready for a serious relationship and the risk that they carry. She has not matured yet, therefore she wants abundant attention, adoration, romance, like in a fairy tale, and eternal love and life not overshadowed. Wishing you a holiday every day.

By the way, this same lover, also apparently not quite mature. At home he has a “mother”, and he walks with you.

How can an adult hide, hide, lie? Play spies, business trips, meetings, or assign male names to a woman? Who behaves like this? Teenagers. It gives them pleasure. (Smoke in the entrance so that mom doesn’t notice later). But how long will it please a woman? How long can she withstand such disrespect?

And what to do with the humiliation that every woman faces in such a relationship? He is forced to cover his tracks, or rather erase them. I heard different stories and that before the meeting you can not use perfume and lipstick. And that a man always washes himself before leaving. You have no right to trace in his life. You just don't exist.

Some women prefer to "fight for their happiness." Divorce him from his wife and marry him to himself. Where does such a need come from? Why do you think that happiness can only be earned by fighting and fighting? Why do you perceive his wife as your rival, as an enemy, hate her, consider her an evil witch, from whose hands great love suffers? Most often, the wife does not even know about your existence. You seem to take revenge on her, humiliating, towering over her. For what? Think about why you want her to suffer? Is it because you were once hurt and you want to inflict the same pain on another? “Often, grown-up daughters, deprived of the attention of their fathers, feel deceived. Deep in their souls, anger smolders. Norman Wright.

Just imagine - an adult, self-confident woman is fighting for her happiness? This is out of the question.

Some women say that a drop of happiness in such a relationship is worth tears and misfortunes. And why do you think that you deserve only a drop and such a surrogate happiness? After all, the love of a man is not only enthusiastic looks, compliments and unrestrained sex. It is the willingness to take responsibility for you and your future together.

Who are you competing with, why did you decide that you should become the best for this man and outrun his wife? Why are you deliberately stealing from yourself by forgoing a healthy and mature relationship?

Why do you choose a supporting role, what is the benefit? Try to understand. Do you really want all this? What is your soul telling you? She knows the answers. And do not be led by naivete, weakness and romantic desires. These are bad advisers.

Sometimes in such relationships there is no love, but there is sponsorship.. Far from being a young man, he pays for your "disposition" with money. And acts as a kind of "daddy". Only here is the only point, you have to pay with yourself. And what to do with the feeling of emptiness and the feeling that you have been taken advantage of?

Why are you ready to give all of yourself, your love, time, your body, your life, finally, where does it come from? Why such a low price? After all, no gifts and beautifully spent time will pay for what you give. “The balance between giving and taking is the basic condition for a relationship to work.” Bert Hellinger.

A man takes too much in such a relationship. Most importantly, he takes your life energy, thanks to which he continues to build his life, his family, his business. And he pays off with gifts. This is at best. More often than not, he considers meetings with him gifts.

Why did you believe in the fairy tale about the fact that the wife is bad, does not appreciate him? Why did you decide to save him from an evil misunderstanding wife, to understand, appreciate and love. Why do you want to be good? Forget about all your needs, if only he was well.

Do you believe he's not leaving because of the kids? Remember: people do everything in this life for themselves first of all, and he does not leave because of himself, and not because of the children.

And how can you live constantly with the question: When will he leave his wife and come to me? You know, it's like the story of people taking care of old people to get their property. In fact, they are waiting for them to die. Imagine carrying this kind of thought in your head. An adult has the strength not to wait for someone else's, but to take, earn, get his own.

And what to do with the negative emotions that are deposited in your soul and heart? Pain, resentment, irritation, anger, envy, expectation, jealousy for his wife and children. Why do you need so much suffering and black feelings, humiliation and a feeling of being second-rate and inferior? After all, this causes a very serious injury to your femininity, corrodes your soul and your self-esteem.

And what to do with your own cleanliness, cleanliness? Or do you believe that he does not have sex with her? Can you really treat your own body like that?

Or are you afraid to be alone Is it not this fear that pushes you to such a connection? Now look at your relationship, and honestly answer yourself the question: Aren't you alone? The fear of being alone is a childish fear.

Do you know why they say that marriages built on the tears of a wife do not lead to anything good? Not because God punishes or someone else. The woman punishes herself. When we do something bad, of course, we can convince ourselves that there is no longer a family and so on, but it is not possible to convince our soul. There is a feeling of guilt. And guilt always requires punishment.

When you date a married man, you refuse to grow up. Both painful experiences and emotional suffering are evidence that you are going the wrong way. After all, love and relationships are, above all, happiness for a woman.

You may have experienced the departure of your father from the family or his death, the divorce of your parents. And you are afraid to experience these emotions again. Fear makes you choose this type of non-serious relationship as a safety net, but look what you are experiencing - all the same painful emotions.

Perhaps your relationship with your father did not work out, maybe he was absent, he was harsh, you did not receive enough warmth and his affection. Deep down you have decided that you are not that good and you have come to believe that you do not deserve happiness, so you think you are not worthy of a healthy relationship and a fulfilling life.

“When the memories of our childhood are especially painful, we often experience a subconscious urge to recreate similar situations, but this time to master them.” Robin Norwood.

But is it possible to change the past? Can they be mastered? No, an adult woman has enough strength and determination to leave her past and move forward, taking responsibility for her actions and decisions. And cease to be circumstances and men.

The past is no more, it has no power over you. You can be free from it and start living your life.

Any movement forward is possible when you give up claims, resentments and the desire to replay your past, and truly give thanks for everything that you received from your parents and from your father. Only in this way can you become free for a close relationship with an adult man.

"If we accept our parents as they are, we accept our life". Bert Hellinger.

Then you no longer want to waste your life waiting for happiness, and you will understand that a non-free partner is not your way. And you are not afraid to be alone. After all, you need time to think about what an adult woman wants to get from an adult relationship. You need time to remember to respect yourself and believe that you are worthy of being the only one. After all, this is a very natural desire of any woman!

But, if it so happened that the man left the family and connected his life with you. Here's what you should always remember:

“In the fulfillment of love, a bond arises that cannot be broken. Therefore, the second connection can only arise if the first connection is recognized.

What does it mean to acknowledge? This means agree that you got your husband because the first wife gave way to you. And you are the second wife. There should be no hatred, anger towards the previous spouse. Only gratitude and recognition.

“Knowing that you are indebted to previous partners and will always be a step below can become the basis for a successful relationship.” Bert Hellinger.

You can perform this ritual: in the evening, light a candle in honor of your husband's first wife. Inwardly look at her with respect and love. And then bow deeply to her and say, "I pay you my respects."

This is how we had a difficult, but, I hope, useful conversation.

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Tatyana Dzutseva

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