"Loneliness Syndrome" What to do if your loved one has a fear of close relationships? male loneliness

Both women and men want to create harmonious and romantic relationships, feel warmth and support from a loved one. It is more difficult for a lonely person to realize himself, enjoy life and every day, find himself. This fully applies to single women and single men. If the loneliness of women can be explained by statistics, the spinelessness of some representatives of the strong half of humanity, and just an unfortunate set of circumstances, then the loneliness of men is more incomprehensible and mysterious.

Why are guys single?

The reasons leading to male loneliness are different for psychologists, women and men themselves, but each of them deserves attention. Young people explain their loneliness by a busy schedule at work, study, a combination of both. They simply do not have time to get to know and communicate with the fair sex, both in the real and virtual world. Other men believe only in love at first sight and do not want to waste time communicating with women with whom they see no future. Still others do not want to part with their status as a proud single man because of a strong love of freedom. Most often, they constantly advocate free love, not burdened with duties and responsibilities. They meet different girls from time to time, but never create a permanent and lasting relationship.

Very often, the cause of male loneliness is also a spiritual wound received after the last unsuccessful relationship. Someone easily endures a breakup, starting a new relationship, while someone can survive what happened for many months or even years. Men are lonely and because of too great demands on the future bride. Their loneliness is caused by undisguised selfishness and complex nature. And men who are too committed to alcohol, drugs, or idleness suffer from loneliness in the first place because of their spinelessness.

Other causes of male loneliness include behavioral patterns, personal character traits, the degree of social success and habits. In addition, in the presence of self-doubt, young people do not try to direct efforts to find a soul mate, but devote themselves to work, entertainment, the implementation of ideas, friends or creativity. Sometimes the cause of female self-sufficiency in modern society becomes the catalyst that makes men prefer loneliness to attempts to build relationships. Women who have achieved success in life quite often believe that weak men are not for them. But what they mean by weak does not always apply to truly weak people. But men begin to believe that women really do not need, preferring to remain single than rejected. They forget that love helps a person feel happy and nothing can replace it.

Causes of male loneliness

According to psychologists, there are a lot of reasons for male loneliness., but they can be grouped into 2 main groups. The reasons that are associated with the personal characteristics of a person belong to the first group and are otherwise called pathological. Reasons that depend on spiritual characteristics belong to the second.

• Inadequate self-esteem makes any person avoid stressful situations for themselves. And acquaintance with the opposite sex always requires mental strength and patience. Intimate relationships involve close communication between people, a willingness to talk about yourself and expect evaluation from the person who evokes strong feelings. If a man has low self-esteem, he is not ready for a woman to evaluate his achievements and personal qualities, so he will try in any way to avoid communicating with her. In order not to get a low assessment of personal qualities, a man refuses to build relationships, avoiding acquaintances and communication with the opposite sex. He remains lonely because he is not ready to raise his self-esteem to the level that would allow him to establish a normal personal life.

• The inability to communicate with other people also negatively affects the ability of a man to communicate with women to create a couple. Usually such problems arise due to shyness, psychological trauma received in childhood or adolescence. The young man tried to get acquainted in adolescence with the girl he liked, and she sharply refused him. Time has passed, but the trauma has remained and now an adult young man or even a man cannot communicate normally with women.
• A rather pathological reason is the strong emotional attachment of a man to his mother. At some stage, the development of the guy stopped, never having matured, he now receives the necessary feeling of security and psychological completeness in such dependence on his mother.

• The infantilism of a man repels women from him and he is left alone. The essence of this state is that he chooses for himself the behavior of the child, showing carelessness and extreme selfishness. He withdraws from contact with reality, showing a complete rejection of the male role and responsibilities. Such a man spends a huge amount of time in entertainment and games, trying to completely remove himself from solving any problems. A woman for him acts as a patron and protection while he behaves like a child. His entire speech is full of phrases and beliefs that have adult vocabulary and logic, but they are filled with childish content.
• But sometimes men prefer loneliness as an element of spiritual growth, as part of what they need to achieve self-sufficiency. At some point in life, a man comes to understand that he simply does not need love, he does not want to experience deep emotional experiences. He is not afraid of them, but believes that they are meaningless and burdensome for him. Sometimes a man by nature refers to introverts who are prone to solitude.

Why do men stay single

A very long time ago, society placed on men a responsibility that obliges them to cope with many tasks, earn and work, and at the same time be the best. If he was born a man, he must already be at a height from which one cannot fall. It is very difficult to live when too much is expected of you and constantly. Every day the tension grows and it becomes more and more difficult for a man to live in a situation where women are waiting for everything at once. They begin to make mistakes, rash acts in order to throw off the burden of responsibility, and all this grows like a snowball, eventually leading to loneliness.

There comes a moment when a really real macho sits on a dating site, trying to find true love. The other chooses a bar to get acquainted with another beauty, in the hope that she is the one who will accept him with all the advantages and disadvantages. But it is not always possible to get rid of loneliness, because for everyone it is different. A man can be surrounded by people and remain alone. In any case, not a single person, including a man, can live without loneliness. Sometimes it is necessary to realize your goal in life, to determine what is important and what is not, to understand what you need to strive for and analyze the path you have traveled. But not everyone can learn to be alone with themselves and not feel discomfort.

Men generally perceive loneliness a little differently than women, sometimes it is simply necessary for them to understand themselves and they endure it much easier. Men think globally, their plans are large-scale and grandiose, so they need peace and detachment from the outside world. Loneliness helps them develop a plan to achieve their goals, to understand what they really want to achieve in life. Self-realization and a sense of self-satisfaction are perceived by them regardless of the presence of a family and a life partner, and therefore they do not always strive to get rid of the status of a free man.

Experiencing loneliness associated with an unsettled personal life, a man seeks to find the one who will fill the void in his soul and bring peace with him. And sometimes, on the contrary, a man is surrounded by friends and communicates all the time, but still in his personal life he is alone, but at the same time he does not seek to find love, because he believes that there are too many problems with women. Therefore, before trying to win a single man, you should make sure that he needs it.

Excerpt from the book "Loneliness of Men", AST, Yulia Rubleva, 2013.

Sometimes I think with horror what it's like to be a man.

By and large, no one thinks about him, about a man. What is it like for him to live? More people think about seals and fur seals.

Everyone (let's not point a finger) thinks only about whether he loves or does not love. Does, doesn't. Will come, will not come. Will change, won't change. A woman dependent on a man is like a prisoner whose arms have been twisted and tied with elbow joints to someone else. To her man. As soon as he moves, she hisses, "it hurts me." When he freezes, she pulls - why are you frozen? You are alive? How do you feel about me?
This I exaggerate, as always.

But by and large, look in the mirror. A woman who either no longer expects anything from him, or whom he calls mother, can truly think about a man.

More and more men I know complain about loneliness. They look lonely. They choose loneliness. Sometimes they need us to just stroke them and not ask questions. To my shame, I can stroke, but most of the time I can't help asking questions. Because I'm worried about myself. Does it apply to me. Most of the women I know in one way or another, not by washing so hard, pull the attitude out of men. At least some.

Meanwhile, the man gets tired and closes his eyes. He no longer wants to see his business, or his woman, or his global responsibility for everything.

If he can't do something, he's an asshole. He lives with the feeling "I'm an asshole", and he does not have the magic word "but". It's easier for us. I'm not doing well at work, but my husband is good. I have no husband, no job, but legs. And chest. Well, yes, I'm fat, but Katya is even fatter.

For men, this "but" for some reason does not work. Their rules are honest, strict and simple. You have big balls, but no career? Well, you're an asshole. You have a Bentley, but you don't have a woman you love? Well, you're an asshole. Do you have a woman you love, but don't have a Bentley? Well, you're an asshole.

They are forever embedded in competition - once, and in the hierarchy - two. They are always figuring out who is the puppy and who is in charge on the court. And, sometimes, when they come home, they just want to lie face down and close their eyes. Lonely. Because if not alone, then again an asshole. Weak and dumb.

I could never be a man. I'm a weakling and a bully, and often roar under the covers. And no one will say a word to me. I won't say a word to myself. And real heroes have a strict taboo on self-pity.

I was young and my husband was building a business. In the 90s. He came home and lay down with his eyes closed. And I wanted him to talk to me. And he spoke. Barely alive from exhaustion.

Then, already in my unmarried life, I wanted something else from my beloved men. To love. To get married. To roses. Do not hurt me. Do not move. Or not: move - and do me good. What do they feel about it?

The further into the forest, the less I understand it. And when I have enough imagination to imagine that sometimes they just need to be accepted and understood, and kept silent, and brought tea, and all this - not today and not tomorrow, but for a long, long time, until everything gets better - then it seems to me that I understand everything. Then the sex disappears, and there are just two adults who can do something good for each other. Supportive. Friendly. Loving.

For the first time in my life, I'm seriously thinking about it. I think they are getting more and more lonely and neglected amid all these courses for bitches and female self-reliance. And they can't tell anyone about this, about their growing loneliness. And from this pitiful place, from this anxiety, I can no longer want something from a man. Although from the point of view of successful women, I turn out to be a complete asshole. After all, I don’t have a fur coat, a husband, and even a regular “good night” text message. So don't take my example, don't.

Single women in our time do not surprise anyone: there are much more of them than the representatives of the stronger sex. It would seem that in the conditions of a "deficit" of men, the latter should be worth their weight in gold. Why, then, do individual men still remain free? And is it worth spending time and effort on them? Let's look into the causes of male loneliness!

Reason one. A lack of money.

Although it is customary to say that happiness is not in money, you still cannot live without them. Building relationships with a man, a woman expects that she will be able to rely on him in a material sense too. Of course, there are gigolos who are just trying to rely on women, but not every penniless male has a chance to become a gigolo: wealthy ladies choose, as a rule, young and beautiful.

Is the game worth the candle?

Take a closer look at a low-income man better. If he simply does not want to work, preferring to sit on someone's neck, then this is hardly a suitable option, unless you need a man solely for sex. If a man simply earns little, then it is possible that if you create an incentive for him, he will begin to earn enough to live together. It happens that a man is simply passive, start looking for vacancies for him yourself, offer a couple of options ... If he flatly refuses to change something in his life, look for another!

The second reason. Bad habits.

A man who abuses alcohol or drugs is, as they say, an option for an amateur. Few women would agree to live or date such a type. In addition, in alcoholics and drug addicts, sexual potency decreases over time.

Is the game worth the candle?

First, try to figure out how far things have gone. Perhaps in the life of a man just a temporary difficult period caused by stress has come. If mutual friends confirm that quite recently this individual was a normal person, then you can try to "save" him - take him out of hard drinking, put him in a clinic, arrange a course of sex therapy, in the end, just distract him from heavy thoughts ...

Reason three. Bad character.

Unfortunately, personality traits are one of the most common causes of male loneliness. The character of a man can be so unbearable that no woman is able to get along with him. Suppose he is too closed and wary, finds fault with every little thing or does not consider it shameful to beat women ...

Is the game worth the candle?

Sometimes a vulnerable nature is hidden behind a bad character. If you manage to pick up the key to her, then the man will reveal to you all the treasures of his soul.

Try to show a sense of humor in communicating with him. Very often it literally disarms people. React with irony to each of his attacks, and perhaps soon you will be able to tame him. And if not - well, apparently, no luck!

Reason four. The man himself avoids women.

He may have a normal character, there may be no material and housing problems, but at the same time he is lonely ... Most often this is due to the fact that a man consciously does not want to build relationships with women. Either he has already burned himself and is afraid to experience pain again ... Or he is afraid of losing psychological comfort. After all, relationships imply to some extent self-sacrifice, a waste of mental strength and material resources. And he doesn't want to spend it. There are also men who make very high demands on a possible life partner. And they reject the fair sex, as they do not meet these requirements.

Finally, a man may have problems in the sexual part.

Is the game worth the candle?

Try talking to this man. If he avoids women, then it will become clear pretty quickly. The only way to win such a man is to try to gain confidence in him. Find out what he is interested in, what are his favorite books, movies, etc. It is better not to immediately go on boarding, but first try to become a convinced bachelor just a friend. Perhaps the rapprochement will happen by itself. And sexual problems in most cases are completely solvable.

Reason five. The man behaves inappropriately.

He may dream of a relationship, but his behavior is such that he himself repels the opposite sex from himself. Let's say he constantly talks nonsense, says vulgar compliments to all the women he meets, or is pathologically greedy - so much so that he agrees to drink a cup of coffee only at your expense. There are men who are unreasonably aggressive. When approached, sexual perversions may also be found in him.

Is the game worth the candle?

Sometimes things can be fixed, and if there is a woman who will straighten his brains, then you can turn him into a completely decent man. But if there are mental pathologies, it is definitely better not to deal with such a man.

Rely on your intuition - and you yourself will be able to understand whether you should spend time establishing contact with a single man.

The loneliness of a person in society is a social and psychological phenomenon. It has always existed and will be the destiny of man in the future. It is painful for young children and especially teenagers. has become commonplace in the last century. Many books have been written about it, its causes have been identified and thoroughly analyzed. How many courses are held that teach women and them, and how to become “bitches” in relations with them, how many seminars are offered to develop independence, success, and something else. What about men? Does anyone think what it's like for them? And now male loneliness is a sign of the modern world. After all, men have always been worth their weight in gold, they have always been lacking. Today, you see a lot of unsettled, single men who are in no hurry to marry. Is it their choice?

Is it easy to be a man

Difficult, very difficult. He owes too much. Just think about how many demands are placed on him from early childhood.

He must be strong and fit for a movie superman, earn a lot and bring cash to his wife to pack her from head to toe, organize a family vacation (preferably abroad), be a caring husband and a great lover. You can list for a long time what else is expected of him. And he must assert himself in all this, prove that he is better than others. It is embedded in a system where there are rigid relations of domination and submission. You have to fight for a place in the sun, like in the good old days. After all, he is a provider and protector. Mother nature made him that way. What if something doesn't work? Who can help? His male pride does not allow him to accept help from outside, including from a woman. Modern ladies have become too demanding of the stronger sex. And a man gets tired of fighting, and of business, and of women, and of relationships with her. So isn't it better to throw off all the responsibilities and choose loneliness - which is what many modern men do.

Psychological reasons

The reasons leading to male loneliness are different, but they are all interconnected. Love, emotional relationships cannot be imagined outside the process of communication, the skills of which the child begins to learn from early childhood. Communication has an impact on many psychological processes of a person. What reasons related to communication lead to loneliness of men?

Communication problems

The ability to communicate is a happy gift that few people receive from birth. Men, due to the peculiarities of the organization of their brain, experience difficulties in mastering the word and, accordingly, in communication.

How many troubles happen in a man's life because of the inability to communicate with women. The problem of communication is the main and unsolvable for many of them. How to get acquainted with the girl you like, how to arouse sympathy, trust and desire to continue acquaintance and start a relationship? Lack of communication skills, which are determined both by the conditions of upbringing in the family, and by temperament (type of nervous activity) and character, become an insurmountable barrier in relations with women. After all, they love sociable and self-confident men.

Inadequate self-esteem

Failures in communication often lead to the formation of low self-esteem. It is laid from early childhood and is fixed in adolescence. He didn't grow fast enough, was weak, too thin or overweight, the shortest in his class, or long and awkward. The jokes of parents and ridicule of classmates about these temporary shortcomings lead to the formation of inferiority complexes that hinder the development of communication with peers. Often such notorious young men find it difficult to get acquainted and build relationships with girls. Low self-esteem prevents communication, and insecurity in behavior repels women. After all, there is a stereotype that the initiative of dating and relationships, as well as invitations to marriage, should come from a man.

Inflated self-esteem also does not contribute to the development of favorable relationships between people. But what woman wants to be next to a man who is categorical in his judgments, considers himself better than others and expects only admiration and a positive assessment of his skills and actions. Yes, and the requirements for their chosen ones are too high. Any criticism or doubt about their abilities leads to conflict. Selfishness is manifested in everything, and there are few women who want to babysit them. People with an inadequate assessment are difficult to communicate, so it is not surprising that some of them become lonely over time.

Lack of knowledge of female psychology

Interest in human psychology has increased in recent decades, but not among men. They live on old patriarchal ideas about women or myths generated by oral male creativity. They do not understand women, and therefore they do not know how to manage with them, they do not want to take into account the fact of the existence of psychobiological differences between the sexes. Similarity does not mean the same. It is easier for them to be alone, immersed in the virtual world of the Internet, than to strain,. What's this? Elementary laziness of young people to build normal relationships with the opposite sex.

This type of men is quite common. This psychological type of "son" is formed in incomplete families, where education is carried out only by the mother, and the father is absent, or he is too weak to play any role. For a woman, the son is in the first place, and not the husband, if any. The boy becomes too attached to his mother. As an adult, he cannot take a single step on his own without consulting his mother. Having married, he is looking for maternal traits in his chosen one. Requirements are usually high, it is difficult for an inexperienced girl to meet them. If she is not like his mother, then it is worse for her. Most often, women leave their unlucky husbands, tightly attached to their mother, who later become lonely.

Infantilism in the behavior of the male “son” is manifested very clearly in relations with his wife. Indeed, he feels good if a woman plays a leading role in a relationship. He is like a small child, capricious, demanding and selfish. This psychological type loves to get sick, to have his wife circle around him and take care of him, just like his mother. Such marriages have a future if the wife is a strong person and she is satisfied with the role of a mother. Otherwise, the man is doomed to loneliness.

Negative relationship experience

Failed relationships with women, negative experience of family life is another reason for male loneliness. Mental wounds leave deep scars on the heart and mind of men. Not everyone is able to quickly heal them. Many of them cease to believe in sincerity and the power of feelings. It is believed that there are no decent and reliable women, that modern ladies are so selfish that they are not capable of unconditional love and observe only their material interests. Young successful businessmen are in no hurry to part with their freedom and get married, because they understand well that for many girls only God knows where their human dignity is, that the hunt is not for them, but for their money. Sociological studies show that more than 80% of girls would like to find a rich husband. And love? She seems to have less and less space these days. The lack of a solid financial foundation, as well as a high level of material well-being often play a cruel joke in relations between the sexes. Both end up dooming themselves to loneliness.

So men turn into cynics and inveterate bachelors. Their lifestyle is loneliness, and satisfying sexual needs in our time is not a problem.

Age crises

Time is merciless and spares no one. Any crisis experienced by a man leads to a rethinking of life, to a reassessment of his successes, achievements and failures, to a revision of relations with people around him. At such moments, regrets arise in the soul of a man about unrealized plans and opportunities, and he experiences the fear of impending old age. The paradox lies in the fact that he achieves the fulfillment of many of his desires and goals, his wife and family are in perfect order, financially secure, but he begins to feel some dissatisfaction. How many men destroy their established life, insulting the feelings of loved ones for the sake of illusory freedom, the love of a young girl and their rebirth. How often such a man ends up lonely and disappointed in the ruins of his life. He is not only a conqueror and builder, but also a brilliant destroyer of what he has already built.

Fear of losing freedom

When, at what age and why does a man develop such a reverent attitude towards his freedom? He prefers the life of a single man, free, not burdened with duties and responsibilities. He stands for free love, or rather sexual relations. From time to time, he has the same free women, but he is not ready to enter into a long-term relationship with them. It is no coincidence that they have become so common in the modern world. Such a freedom-loving man, without straining, enjoys life that way up to 45-50 years, and then frantically tries to find love, a life partner, warmth of the hearth, care and understanding. The task is not an easy one, since few of the fairer sex will want to disinterestedly court an aging man. Here is another reason for the loneliness of a man in old age.

Character traits and loneliness

Many personality traits of a person are not taken into account at the beginning of a relationship, but they appear or intensify over time. Any of the men can be a carrier of various psychopathologies, such as autism, schizophrenia, alcoholism, drug addiction, and various addictions. They are accused of spinelessness, they endure for a long time, but sooner or later wives doom such partners to loneliness. It is known that men are more susceptible than women. The whole world is perceived by them in gloomy colors, it simply scares others away from itself. And men with autism do not seek to communicate with anyone at all, and they most often lead a secluded lifestyle and do not even attempt to establish relationships with women. And there are also men whose character suggests a solitary lifestyle. They do not need friends and buddies, they are satisfied with the calm atmosphere of family life. The main thing is that the wife understands and accepts him as such.

Woman and male loneliness

In today's world, the role of women has changed. She became more independent from a man, strong, self-confident and successful. Against the backdrop of the social cataclysms that have taken place in our country, it was the woman who showed the best qualities of a fighter. She persevered. But she became different: independent and purposeful, active and self-confident. That is, a new type of women has appeared - strong and independent, who prefer to make their own choice: let this or that man into their lives, lead him down the aisle or have an affair with him for the sake of having a child.

Men prefer to bypass such women and it is better to remain single than to be rejected.

About the psychology of a single man, as well as about, you can talk for a long time and a lot. The history of each loneliness is different, the reasons are diverse and interconnected. But the scary thing is that in the psychology of a single man, a habit appears to live for the sake of his beloved and selfishness is formed. Many of them are satisfied with a lifestyle that is difficult for them to part with. What are men - gigolos, which are becoming more and more.

Women may wonder if a single man can be persuaded into marriage or a love relationship. Of course, you can, only if he himself wants to part with his status as a single man. But if he wants, then you should try to understand the psychological reasons for his loneliness before entering into a serious relationship with him.

Male loneliness as a socio-psychological phenomenon is characterized by the absence of attachments and close ties in the representative of the stronger sex. It may be a consequence of a spiritual wound received as a result of an unsuccessful relationship, or it may arise against the backdrop of excessive demands on the future bride.

Some men explain their loneliness by a busy schedule at work, which literally takes up all their free time. They simply physically do not have the strength to communicate and get to know the fairer sex. Also, the causes of male loneliness include some behavioral patterns, for example, excessive drinking, gambling, etc.

In addition, men can be deprived of female attention due to the fact that they simply do not make efforts to find a soul mate in the hope that everything will be decided by itself. They behave too selfishly towards women, devote their lives to entertainment, friends, creativity and the implementation of ideas. The risk category also includes men prone to depressive states, infantilism, as well as those with poor communication skills and mental pathologies.

What is the danger of male loneliness?

A lonely man has no desire for spiritual growth, he does not try to improve himself, because he does not see the point in this. Often, he follows the daily “work-home” route, and spends his free time at the computer or TV. Every year the desire to get acquainted with the fair sex weakens, and the world takes on black and white colors. The worst thing is that time inexorably flies forward, and the representative of the stronger sex will not even have time to look back, as there will be nothing left around him but icy silence.

It should also be noted that single people are most prone to stressful conditions. Especially when it comes to complete loneliness, when a man does not have not only a soul mate, but also friends, parents, acquaintances to whom one could pour out his soul. A person periodically needs to throw out negative emotions in order to “discharge” the body and get rid of fatigue.

Of course, we should not forget that each person is individual, for someone loneliness is a habitual way of life. Some people are so self-sufficient that they do not need external support and feel completely comfortable alone with themselves.