Still, you can’t make a conference, you need to see the child and, together with the child, the psychologist works out a way, I’m afraid the advice may just not be suitable, it’s “from another person.”

Raising a child from 7 to 10 years old: school, relationships with classmates, parents and teachers, health, extracurricular activities, hobbies. Section: Education (questioning of parents on the development of emotional intelligence in children). Survey on the development project...

Discussion

I answered the questions, but I don’t want to give out my email address.
The topic is interesting and important. I liked that a specific exercise was offered - a master class. For children 4-7 years old, preferably less text, more voice acting.
Materials for parents and their work with children would be useful.

Children and the development of emotional intelligence. How to learn to understand feelings and emotions. About children. Child development calendar. Raising a child from 7 to 10 years old: school, relationships with classmates, parents and teachers, health, extracurricular activities, hobbies.

Emotional developmental delay. Upbringing. Adoption. Discussion of adoption issues, forms of placing children in families, raising adopted children, interaction with children and the development of emotional intelligence. How to learn to understand feelings and emotions.

Discussion

you know, the problem is no different from that of natural children. Children from country houses in Dmitrovka periodically appear in our class and among friends. So they all eagerly begin to communicate at school. And who didn’t stop) although he has been studying since the 1st grade, and now, for example, the 8th
Your psychologist’s theory is beautiful, but... How many psychologists have beautiful fairy tales about the causes of problems. They all know: how to live correctly and what will happen. But I don't believe in it. Because I know closely two very expensive psychologists who skillfully teach life (but in fact, they themselves have a snowball of problems both on the personal front and with children, and it is not improving). Clients look at their mouths and find more and more new tales about the causes of failures thanks to their creativity. Yes, things are still there. A shoemaker without boots in this profession is like a cook who does not know how to cook, but teaches it.
You need a visiting teacher to master technology and homework techniques. It’s trivial to teach how to study, how to search for information, how to organize work.
The order of execution of dz. Plan. How to do the exercise quickly and correctly? How to learn a verse? How to read problems and understand them? What to do if the problem cannot be solved. Make these work techniques a habit; and if you sow a habit, you reap a character. A lot of A's in your portfolio is the best motivation to study.

Have you ever wondered why, even if the child is born (you can’t blame it on genes, the parents are medal winners) is healthy, has played and plays a lot :-), but there is still no responsibility? I think this quality is largely innate. I was never taught this, we have hyper-responsibility, my brother was not taught this - we have a healthy indifference. The parents were alone and did not change the method. So with children in whom this quality is not embedded in the subcortex, it is reasonable to develop habits and reflexes, technology, motivation, routine and reasonable organization of time. Like in the army. 8 hours of homework a day will not teach a child to do them himself, it will only develop disgust. This is, of course, a personal opinion. But I don’t know of a single case where they sat for years until sunset over the house and then suddenly the insight came: “I will do everything myself and quickly.”

Oh, and my brother is 2.5 years younger - he was always the best for games, until he caught up.

4 parenting styles: which is yours? A rejecting parent. A rejecting parent. Emotional intelligence: how to learn to talk about children's feelings. If a child is successful, then he is successful (and we still need to define what we mean by this).

Discussion

Tell me, how old is the child? My daughter is 7 years old, from early childhood I studied with her, focusing on her biological age, i.e. at 2 years old they learned colors, shapes, sizes, and later letters, numbers, etc. First of all, you need to teach the pointing gesture so that there is feedback from the child, nodding “yes”, shaking your head “no”. My Vika doesn’t speak, we communicate with gestures. Gestures began to appear since rhyme songs began to stage something like finger gymnastics. In terms of schools, each region probably has its own opportunities; in Moscow there are more. We go to the 1st grade of a Type 8 school, where there are also “special child” classes for the most intellectually challenged. If we don't pass the regular class, we'll move to the "special" class. My child is also not walking. In my opinion, the most important thing for you is to seek a feedback from the child. You write that your child cannot show, i.e. point with a finger or a fist or at least a hand? If not, do everything yourself with his hands.

Child from 1 to 3. Raising a child from one to three years: hardening and development, nutrition and illness, daily routine and development of household skills. Emotional intelligence: how to learn to talk about children's feelings. Print version. believes that the child’s negative emotions...

Discussion

I myself am a “Scorpio”, for almost 40 years now and for as long as I can remember I have always been and remain just as obnoxious! Oh, it’s difficult for my family, but they endure it. They probably got used to it.
And the “twin” son, you know, is also not a gift (in terms of character).
Humble yourself! And don’t try to fix it, it won’t work (Scorpios are a very strong sign).

Oh, Alain!
I have Max - “tear it off and throw it” is just... a shooter!!
And you're a scorpio...:-)))) I think you're just explosive, and you're small and can't really explain it, so that's what happens.
Take it easy, it’s too early to react, I think so.

The balance of intellectual and emotional is important. ...I find it difficult to choose a section. Moreover, in recent years there has been a noticeable increase in the number of children suffering from neuroses, whose parents, not attaching importance to children's spontaneity and emotions, these parents...

4 parenting styles: which is yours? A rejecting parent. A rejecting parent. Emotional intelligence: how to learn to talk about children's feelings. And often superior to you in human qualities or simply in resistance to life’s adversities and...

Discussion

The best thing for your self-esteem is not to show that this somehow offends you; perhaps you should cast not envious, but sympathetic glances at her, because soon he will find someone even younger and more beautiful.. And quitting a good job because of someone else romance is the last thing, let them quit, but you feel good as it is, set yourself up that way.

Why change jobs? Good work is much less common than good men.
Remember how many global problems seem like small nonsense after a while.
Focus on your work and yourself, and everything else will follow naturally.

Emotional family. - gatherings. About yours, about your girl’s. Needless to say, the emotions were all negative, and the situation was stormy heights. I’m trying to understand why the epithet “emotional” most often has a negative connotation?

4 parenting styles: which is yours? A rejecting parent. The upbringing of a child depends on the upbringing of parents and all family members, others and society. Authoritarian, conniving, calculating and ingratiating, it seems.

Discussion

I am very glad that I am not alone in my opinion. Otherwise I already felt like some kind of monster from the dictatorship :) Let me add one more thing. I got the impression from the discussion below that 1. a child should not be prohibited from doing anything or forced to do something while he is small, since he still does not understand the reasons. 2. When a child is old enough to understand something, everything needs to be explained to him and all actions, his own and those required of him, discussed with him. Somewhere, it seems to me, the logical chain is interrupted. It’s not like he suddenly begins to understand everything in one day!

I’ll add about self-regulation - see below. It seems to me that if children were truly “self-regulating”, then there would not be these problems with lack of sleep, overstimulation, etc. It seems to me that a clear routine makes life easier for everyone, especially for the child. Many books write that children, especially under 4 years old, love predictability, consistency, rituals, etc. This also includes a constant bedtime and the rituals that accompany it. Therefore, as for self-regulation, I doubt that if children are left to their own devices, they will begin to crawl back to bed on their own. Mine will wander until one in the morning (verified), coming to the kitchen with the words “Mom, let’s talk!” Maybe older children are able to put themselves to bed, but it seems to me that this is after the age of five.
And as for daytime sleep: we now have the same problem: a transitional period when two dreams are too many, but one is not enough. Sometimes he simply refuses to sleep during the day, although I see that his eyes are tired. Then a compromise: this is declared a quiet hour, the child sits quietly and either “reads” books or tinkers with puzzles, in general, an hour of such quiet activity. By the way, if you manage to move him with a book to a horizontal position, there is a chance that he will fall asleep.

4 parenting styles: which is yours? To some extent, your attempts to calm him down with the help of logical reasoning are similar to the desire Mom poured in... How to raise a child correctly: 4 types of parents.

Discussion

In my opinion, my mother made the main mistake when she went to a neighbor’s house instead of putting the children to bed. After all, everything that followed was completely predictable - that dad wouldn’t put him to bed on time, despite any warnings, that his son wouldn’t get enough sleep and would be “insane” at the holiday... So the most important thing was the routine, which mom forgot about... And the suit in general I should have sewn it a week earlier, and there’s nothing special to kill my husband for :-)
As for bad manners..., then, in my opinion, yes, there are the beginnings... If the mother does not learn to prevent hysterics in the future, i.e. anticipate a possible hysterical reaction and not create “favorable” situations, and withstand them, firmly insisting on your own and trying to “switch” the child to something else, if such a situation has developed, then... it will get worse... He really will become poorly mannered and will irritate others, because he will certainly try to get what he wants using the most “unsympathetic” methods - shouting, scandals, fighting..., will not learn to take into account the situation and understand that sometimes it is IMPOSSIBLE to get what you want, need or wait or accept that it is not available and switch to something else that is available...

Question. At what age are the above-mentioned phrases “how do you think you feel...” supposed? Why am I asking - my daughter is not yet three, and this question seems inappropriate to me for two reasons. 1. She can still talk about her feelings worse than feel them. 2. It seems that she has not yet lost that connection with those around her, when if someone is scared in a cartoon, then she shakes all over with fear, or when a child cries on the street, she runs to console him. I wonder at what age is a child finally able to separate himself from others? And does he really completely forget about that state that it becomes necessary to artificially partially return him there by some special methods?

Yes, now the most important thing. How personally am I trying to influence this area of ​​my daughter’s development? 1. By my own example, as far as this seems possible to me, but this is rather not a method of education, this is life itself. 2. Games, but also somehow usually does not happen on purpose. Today we went for a walk in the sunshine and quite far away. Anya was noticeably tired, began to whine and beg to be held. I told her that I couldn’t pick her up, because I’d also have to carry the bike, and I’d be completely tired of carrying both of them. But somehow the plot was born by itself: “Anya, quickly, let’s run to save the princess!” I exclaimed just like that, I didn’t even have a plot in my head yet, but then it was born - such a primitive one: the lion got hungry at home, he hadn’t eaten anything for a long time and decided to eat the princess (all the characters are Anya’s toys). In short, it was necessary, firstly, to save the princess, and secondly, to feed the lion so that it would not encroach on anyone else. The daughter got on her bike and quickly rode home, developing the plot along the way. It is possible, of course, that she was excited by the very element of adventure, but only later, at home, I thought: I myself usually strive for exploits for the sake of someone, for the sake of the same daughter... She also needs, apparently, to do something FOR SOMEONE'S SAKE, even for a toy.
Discussion

Shin, I don’t understand flowers. These ones are in vases. Blooming meadow - yes. The garden is great. Bouquet:(((. Well, it’s not my thing. And, I hope, the point here is not in aesthetic underdevelopment, but in the fact that a bouquet of flowers in an apartment is more of a cultural fact than an aesthetic one. This is the result of some kind of agreement. Although , it happens, either the bouquet is skillfully composed, or the mood is elegiac, ah, I’m hooked :)) But very rarely, and with a certain type of flowers, all sorts of wildflowers or small ones, when there are a lot of details, but an orchid, it’s as simple as a wax model (I apologize , if you are an orchid lover, I’m only talking about my perception). Why don’t you look at it for a long time? It’s exactly what you want to touch :))

What am I talking about... Oh yes, so, it seems to me that an aesthetic sense will certainly develop if you draw a child’s attention to all kinds of beauty, but I have almost never met people who are equally receptive to all types of beauty. Always somewhere more, somewhere less. And yet, I sometimes have the feeling that children “protect themselves” from strong mental shocks by not paying attention to certain things. Because I have a boy I know, he didn’t have this defense, so he could faint in the museum, he would have hysterics at exhibitions, then, gradually, this defense was built up in him, now when we go to exhibitions together, in general, sometimes it seems that he doesn’t care about anything, he’s more interested in running around the aisles, or looking at people, but he looks at the works themselves carefully, first quickly, running past, then again, more carefully, then maybe he’ll approach... The guy , by the way, 10 years old, this is how he first gets acquainted with the subject, then allows contact to happen. An amazing phenomenon. True, his parents are artists. Maybe genes :))

I quietly suspect that this “part” also needs to be purposefully developed :)). The question is how :).

Sinitsina Natalya
Correction of parental relationships: working with child rejection

NON-ACCEPTANCE.

“Not accepting someone (including a child) is, in a sense, killing him emotionally; this is not recognizing his right to life, which is due to him” (Federico Arvez).

Erroneous upbringing in the family is one of the factors leading to a child’s neuroticism, and as a consequence, a violation of his personal development. A psychologist’s work with a child will not bring proper results without studying and correcting parent-child relationships. Young children are especially sensitive to any changes in relationships and upbringing, so the sooner the appropriate work is done, the more problems can be avoided in the future. According to research by A.I. Zakharov, psychological disorders in children are observed in families that are a hierarchical group with a fixed dominance of the mother. From generation to generation, such characteristics of attitudes towards children are passed on as the degree of care (overprotection based on anxiety and fear of loneliness, affectivity (excess parental dissatisfaction, irritation or anxiety, excessive stimulation, frequent reprimands.

The greatest difficulties arise for a psychologist when there is rejection of the child in the family. Non-acceptance of a child by parents is some kind of internal disagreement of the parents towards the child and his presence in their life. This is perhaps the most tragic anomaly in the relationship between parents and child. Rejection is most reflected in the condition of children in the first years of life, precisely when maximum emotional warmth from the mother is required. The reason for rejection may be infantilism, neuroticism of the mother, or reluctance to have a child. Rejection manifests itself in lack of control, connivance, and indifference to the fate of the child.

Sometimes a mother experiences strong and contradictory feelings towards her child: anger, irritation, resentment and at the same time guilt, shame, self-deprecation: “I’m a bad mother, I don’t love my child.” The consequences of such upbringing will necessarily manifest themselves in the child in the form of neurotic states, anxiety, aggressiveness, and social maladjustment.

A child who feels unwanted by his parents easily loses the joy of life: he becomes isolated, withdrawn, sad, apathetic. Sometimes he may try to attract attention to himself through “discourteous” behavior, hoping in this way to achieve love and acceptance. If he doesn’t receive them, he suffers a lot.

The main difficulty in the work of a psychologist is to move from the child’s problem to the characteristics of upbringing as the main cause of trouble and then to the mother’s problem.

Not loving your child is unnatural. Awareness of this fact is suppressed, and the roots of dislike are often located in the subconscious. The choice of methods of working with such parents is individual. The approach depends on many reasons: the ancestral family, education, personal tragedies, personal characteristics of the parents (intelligence, temperament, character, their age, state of psychophysical health.

An example of working with a parent as a client.

1. Awareness of rejection, identification of the cause. (Conversation, testing, discussion of the results of parental relationship questionnaires, when using projective techniques, etc.)

2. Analysis of methods of education and behavior towards the child. Here it is important, together with the mother, to build a connection between the child’s behavior and parenting tactics. If rejection as a type of upbringing originates in the ancestral family, it is appropriate to use the experience of reviving the mother’s childhood feelings.

3. Building the dynamics of the relationship between mother and child through joint activities or parallel work. We need to teach a mother to show love to her child. Focus on the child’s character strengths, abilities, etc.

4. Working with the mother's inner child. The method requires high professional skills of a psychologist. If this is not possible, the mother should be recommended to work with a psychotherapist.

The chances of successful psychological correction of parental relationships in the event of a child’s rejection are not great, but attempts to use them must be made. We can only hope that time may teach such a mother to feel, love, and care.

STAGES OF WORKING WITH A PARENT.

Client (parent)

Statement of the essence of the problem from your point of view;

Consultant

emotional response to a problem. Active listening, creating a non-judgmental, safe environment. Formation of a hypothesis. Work to enhance feelings and empathy.

Possible feelings of the client:

resentment, anger, irritation, confusion, fear.

Client:

Understanding the situation, accepting responsibility, seeing the problem from the child’s point of view, readiness to change oneself.

Consultant

Transferring the problem from the child to the mother; analysis of feelings, thoughts, relationships. Hypothesis testing. Modeling situations that promote understanding of internal motives.

Possible feelings of the client:

Self-pity, guilt, frustration, empathy for the child, shame, emptiness.

Client:

Finding a way out of a problem, making decisions.

Consultant

“Grounding”, the transition from working with feelings to working on planning actions. Strengthening the energy of creation and love.

Possible feelings of the client

The desire to act love for the child.

Client

Prospects, plans for the future.

Consultant:

Informing, relieving emotional stress.

Possible feelings of the client

Confidence in support and in your own abilities.

This algorithm of stages of work is very helpful in psychological counseling for parents experiencing difficulties in relationships with children.

Literature.

1. Zakharov A.I. How to prevent deviations in a child’s behavior: Book. for kindergarten teachers garden - M.: Education, 1986.

2. Shvetsova I. Rejection: School psychologist//June 2000 No. 22.

3. Materials from the site “Spirituality”.

Mutual understanding" href="/text/category/vzaimoponimanie/" rel="bookmark">mutual understanding is not an innate ability of mother and father and does not appear by magic with the birth (adoption) of a child, the creation of a foster family or a family-type orphanage The ability to love him is formed in the practice of parenthood, in the process of joint activity and communication with the child, bringing the mother and father feelings of happiness, fullness of self-realization and self-completion. On the contrary, the experience of “dislike”, rejection of the child causes severe emotional and personal problems in the parent (substitute parent). disorders - guilt, depression, anxiety and fears, violations of the self-concept in the form of self-sacrifice and low self-esteem.Therefore, in such cases, the strategy of psychological assistance to the family is built as a consistent solution to the following tasks:

Stabilization of the emotional state of the parent (substitute parent);

Awareness of the child’s rejection and objectification of the reasons and mechanism for the formation of dislike for him;

Overcoming feelings of guilt;

Optimizing communication and cooperation with the child;

Increasing the level of empathy, emotional understanding and affection in the parent-child dyad.

In the continuum of meanings of the emotional attitude of a parent to a child, several options for relationships can be distinguished, from the unconditionally positive to the openly negative pole.

Unconditional emotional acceptance of the child(love and affection “no matter what”). Unconditional acceptance involves the parent's differentiation of the child's personality and behavior. A negative assessment and condemnation by a parent of specific actions and actions of a child does not entail a denial of his emotional significance and a decrease in the self-worth of his personality for the parent. This type of emotional relationship is most favorable for the development of the child’s personality, since it ensures full satisfaction of the child’s needs for safety, love, care and affiliation in relations with parents. Affiliation(affiliation)(from English affiliation“connection, connection”) is the desire to be in the company of other people, a person’s need to create warm, trusting, emotionally significant relationships with other people. The formation of this need is determined by the nature of relationships with parents in early childhood, with peers, and can be disrupted when provoking situations associated with anxiety and self-doubt and leading to feelings of loneliness and helplessness. At the same time, the company of other people allows you to check the chosen method of behavior and the nature of reactions to a difficult and dangerous situation. To a certain extent, the proximity of others leads to a direct reduction in anxiety, mitigating the effects of physiological and psychological stress. Blocking affiliation causes feelings such as loneliness, alienation, and frustration.

Conditional emotional acceptance(love conditioned by the child’s achievements, merits, behavior). In this case, the child must earn the love of the parent through his successes, exemplary behavior, and fulfillment of requirements. Love acts as a benefit, a reward that is not given by itself, but requires work and effort. Deprivation of parental love is a fairly frequently used type of punishment in such cases. This type of parental attitude provokes anxiety and uncertainty in the child.

Ambivalent emotional attitude towards the child (a combination of positive and negative feelings, hostility and love).

Indifferent attitude (indifference, emotional coldness, distance, low empathy). This position is based on the immaturity of the maternal position, the infantilism and personal immaturity of the parent himself.

Hidden emotional rejection(ignoring, emotionally negative attitude towards the child). Since hostility towards children is a feeling that is considered bad and condemned by others, it takes hidden forms. This does not mean that adults cynically and thoughtfully disguise themselves - no, they unconsciously suppress hostility towards the child as an unworthy feeling, and do not admit it even to themselves. Through the forces of reason and will, parents suppress emotional rejection of their children as unworthy and usually even reveal overcompensation in the form of emphasized care and exaggerated attention. However, a child, and especially a teenager, feels artificially forced by such care and attention and feels a lack of sincere emotional warmth.

Such hidden emotional rejection can be expressed in the parents’ indifference to the teenager and little attention to his inner life. But precisely those parental concerns (control, attention, interest), the lack of which could reveal such dislike to others, turn out to be outwardly exaggerated, emphasized, downright demonstrative. Adults carefully monitor how the teenager is dressed, punctually monitor his daily routine, etc. But, despite all the adult’s tricks, the child unmistakably recognizes the artificiality of this care. Such ostentatious, external attention affects him even worse than outright indifference.

Open emotional rejection of a child. (« It would be better if you weren't there"). Parents do not always love their children. It may be unwanted, accidentally born. His birth may be associated with the desire to be like everyone else (“Everyone has children, well, let us have them too”), the desire to receive some benefits in life, to consolidate a marriage, to apply for expanded living space, to receive an inheritance, to receive social benefits. Such parents do not feel warmth and love for their child in their hearts. The child in such families is made to understand that he is not the most desirable person in the family. They not only impose on him countless instructions that no one would be able to fulfill, but they also try to make him feel how bad he is and how those around him suffer from him (“the role of Cinderella”). Parents, of course, cannot admit that everything is caused by hostility towards the child, so such coldness is given the appearance of a “pedagogical principle”: “Under no circumstances should you caress, they will talk.” Or: “Difficulty has never hurt anyone.” And also “Before, adults were afraid, and children were more obedient.” With this type of upbringing, the child and teenager constantly feel that they are burdened, that he is a burden in the life of his parents, that without him they would be better off, freer and more at ease. The situation is even more aggravated when there is someone else nearby - a brother or sister, especially a stepfather or stepmother, who is much more dear and beloved. The position of a less loved and unwanted family member affects adolescents with different character types differently. With hyperthymic and epileptoid accentuations, the emancipation reaction clearly appears: the first of them fight for independence and freedom, the second for property rights. Hysteroids in these cases in adolescence continue to reveal a pronounced childish reaction of opposition. And although the forms of its detection change with age, all actions: incomprehensible thefts, ostentatious interest in alcohol and other intoxicating drugs, suicidal demonstrations, and self-incriminations of debauchery - are used as signals to relatives, as demands for attention, love and care. Other hysterics, despairing of trying to attract love, plunge into a fantasy world or begin to seek attention on the side. Schizoids react to such a situation, as well as to other difficulties in life, by withdrawing into themselves, erecting a spiritual wall between themselves and a family that does not love them. Unstable people are not inclined to grieve the emotional rejection of loved ones; they are already looking for an outlet in teenage companies.

In such a family, adults are sure: the child is growing up “not the way they wanted (does not meet their expectations, does not live up to their hopes). And to his real (transient age-related) imperfections, many different shortcomings and flaws are attributed, his weaknesses are exaggerated. The essays “My Child,” which are written at the request of a psychologist by parents who have difficulty communicating with their children, sometimes resemble indictments with the mercilessness of their tone and the abundance of listed offenses: “ Pathological lack of will...", "I I've never seen someone as slow as him....», « He is phenomenally lazy, grows up as a slacker, does everything under pressure....»

The situation in families where there is parental rejection is truly dramatic. Parental love there ceases to be something reliable for the child, and becomes unsteady and conditional: you will« “be a good boy” - we will love you, if you don’t, there will be no love. And the child has nothing to rely on mentally, emotionally.

Emotional rejection poses the greatest danger for sensitive children capable of deep affection. They may experience severe suffering - to the point of deep depression, depression, and unwillingness to live. For other teenagers who are determined to communicate with peers, the connection with home is already weakening, and the coldness of loved ones does not upset them so much - they will find recognition in their companies. Closed children, who do not know a strong need for communication, fence off their inner world with a “wall of alienation.”

The consequences of emotional rejection are equally unfavorable for those who are accustomed to being the center of attention of loved ones and suddenly lose it: the father died, the stepfather came to the family, another child appeared; transferred from one school to another, where his studies became noticeably worse, etc. Under these conditions, the “outcasts” will look for an opportunity to show themselves; they can commit desperate, shocking acts, sometimes even resorting to inventions, slandering themselves, just to get the attention of others again.