If the husband has a midlife crisis. How to survive a midlife crisis: advice from a psychologist

You need to make the right decision, but how not to make a mistake again.
This summer we celebrated the 20th anniversary of our family. All together, as always, my husband and I and our children - my son is 19 years old, my daughter is 10 years old. A year ago, I was an absolutely happy person: a loving husband (I felt it), my son entered a good university, my daughter is smart. We didn’t live richly, but we always worked hard and made everything together, we did everything ourselves (repairs in the apartment, restoration of the “killed” dacha bought cheaper, the car was brought together from another city). We always tried to be together: as a family we participated in various city events (so that the children could feel the spirit of OUR FAMILY), we always met each other and saw each other off at the doorstep (including the cat), waved our hand from the window, each of us knew that they were waiting for him at home. Children grew up in love. My husband is a good father, he loves our children.
In the summer, I felt indifference on his part. All autumn it was hell: I felt that something was happening, and I could not understand what. Cooling is everything. I read about the midlife crisis in men, and about the crisis of a 20-year marriage. He stopped communicating with his son (the son is studying in another city). We need to know our children: they are used to the fact that we are always one for all and all for one, like a clenched fist. My son and I talk on the phone every day, and he did not understand why his father stopped calling him, at first he called himself, then he also stopped. I asked what was happening, to which my husband reminded me of some kind of resentment for all 20 years, about a midlife crisis and carried all sorts of nonsense. And in December, I found out that he had a woman (10 years younger than me, she works with him), her husband told me about their romance, she is married, has two children, a good husband, i.e. wealthy family.
Her husband kept spying on them all autumn, said that they didn’t get to sex. On the same day, I presented everything to my husband, he confessed, you can’t argue against the facts. At first I decided that everything, the end, I couldn’t live with him, and then I remembered how I was without him. Yes, the ERROR (as in the movie "Love and Doves") was already 9 years ago, when my daughter was 1 year old, and my son is 10 years old. Then he left and hung out somewhere for three months, because. the fairy's square meters were not enough, but she lived with her son. My husband then accused me of leaving, that he had been putting pressure on him all his life, etc. 9 kg, with a normal weight of 54 kg. My daughter was small, she did not understand, but my son saw how I was suffering, crying. And thanks to my parents for helping me. They took the children to their village for the summer, I got a new job in the 2nd education (at 33, my daughter was 1 year 3 months old). I howled for 3 months, I thought I would die, I need to master a new job, but my thoughts are going in the wrong direction. I counted the column on the calculator 10 times, it’s scary to remember. The summer ended, and he returned to the arrival of the children, but the fairy did not get rid of, so the SMS came until they took me away in an ambulance with an atypical sore throat. The doctors could not bring down the temperature for a week, the capillaries in the eyes burst, the pressure was low, I thought I would die again.
After that, he changed his phone number, the fairy got rid of it, and our life began to slowly improve. I tried very hard not to remember, he also tried, plus he was very ashamed in front of my relatives, especially in front of my parents. He doesn’t have his own and my RELATIVES, really. He said that in those three months he wanted to throw himself down from a high-rise more than once, he did not know how to get out of it.
And then I really lived in happiness, I saw that he loves me, that THAT was a mistake.
And now, 9 years later, it happened again. Now, when I asked what you lacked, he replied: snickering, bastard. He said that even if we divorced, he would say that a better wife than I could not be desired. I feel sorry for the children, especially the daughter, she feels everything, knows nothing, but is afraid that we will get divorced. Loves him terribly. I feel sorry for myself. For which I loved him, my family, I always did everything for the sake of the family, I always saved on myself, I have never been to a beautician. And one more thing: I have always considered myself an interesting woman, men look at me, and he sees it too. And now, during the autumn and winter, she has aged by 5 years, all the eyelashes have fallen out from tears, self-esteem is at zero.
We decided to try to move on. Yes, she didn’t say the main thing, of course, they don’t meet anymore. In her family, tear too. And yet, the fairy's husband told her to quit, so that they would not see each other again, but she refused. I also can’t imagine that they will constantly meet at work, I told my husband to quit. He did this despite having worked there for 18 years. Now he is forced to work at work with physical loads, he gets tired, of course. He is trying to make amends, and I have been crying for the 4th month now, because he betrayed me, children, OUR FAMILY.
How to live on? I dont know. I’m afraid, suddenly again. I swore on my grandmother’s grave that this would not happen again. And it’s a pity for him, because he has no one besides us: they don’t communicate with sisters and brothers, only my relatives are always there. she didn’t tell her about anything, everyone was told that he was laid off at work, mine also sympathize with him. If I tell him, no one will shake hands with him now.
And I do love him.

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Nora, age: 42 / 03/04/2014

Responses:

Nora! I recently heard a phrase somewhere, and its meaning is this: "The one who sinned will not be condemned, but the one who did not repent."
Many of the women on this site would like their sad marriage story to end like yours. After all, many of us sin: and we condemn, and we are proud, and we envy.
So your husband was tempted, and he could not resist. But he repented before you. It is necessary, of course, to repent before God at confession, but if he is an unchurched person, he may simply not know this. And the fact that he had to leave his job is like a penance for him. Nora, I do not know anything about your spiritual life, whether you are a baptized person. But it seems to me that the cause of these troubles in your family and in your soul is life without God. Otherwise, you would casually mention it at least once. God sends suffering to a person not in order for a person to finally get bogged down in his pain, but in order to come to his senses, turn to Him with a request, change something in his life. Here lived in your husband this craving for sin, for fornication, and he could not overcome it in any way, and then something happened that happened, and he wrested this passion out of himself. Through humiliation, job loss, shame in front of you and your children. It wasn't easy for him. And if your family begins to become churched, you will all come to confession together, begin to live a spiritual life, you will have a wonderful harmonious family. And you will forget what is haunting you now.

Yuliya, age: 48 / 03/04/2014

Dear Nora, this is what I want to tell you: draw your offense on a piece of paper, tear it up, burn it and throw the ashes out the window. The most important thing is that you love and are loved, and your loved one is alive and well and next to you. Everyone can stumble, because you would have already forgiven another loved one, become a little more selfish, why destroy what you live by. Just love, just be happy! Health to you and your family. Good luck!

Olga, age: 40 / 03/04/2014

Nora, fully agrees with Julia, 48. Only with God can you find peace. You don't have to be afraid of the future. If your husband quit his job and is trying to make amends, then this is an act. An act for you and for the sake of the family. Give him one more chance. You love him! And you need her. And he needs you. Work on yourself, try to forgive. Chase bad thoughts about the future. They are from the evil one. And only with the Lord is further happiness possible. The Lord is calling you to Himself. you and your husband. Only if you don't go to Him again, this destruction can enter your life again. Don't waste time.

Ekaterina, age: 38 / 03/04/2014

Dear Nora! Usually I write some categorical advice, but in your case I have confidence that everything will work out for you.
You are a great, strong woman. It is felt in writing. You will definitely stand in this difficult situation together with your husband. He's really having a midlife crisis. Gotta get through it.
They perfectly understand how you feel right now. My husband is shared by two women at once. He got a new job in a young team. And almost masculine. Only in the accounting department they have two unmarried ladies who from time to time try to arrange their personal lives at the expense of other people's husbands. There was already more than one scandal on this basis with the wives of other husbands. So far, it has not been possible to get anyone married from them. As my husband's colleague told me with a malicious laugh, that these girls serve all their stag parties and corporate parties. Free and very convenient. So here it is. For two months I was completely unaware. She went crazy with horror and misunderstanding of what was happening. What happened to my beloved and beloved husband, who has changed beyond recognition? Two months of rudeness, moral torture and refined bullying. What I just did not hear enough, until I finally found out the truth. Believe it or not, I burst into tears of relief and kicked him out. I realized that one more day, and I simply will not be in this world. But I have a son (he, thank God, was with his grandmother during the summer holidays). I immediately refused to participate in dog fights because of my husband. And for a long time, I could not wash off the feeling of dirt, disgust and humiliation, into which I was plunged headlong. Half a year passed. I am slowly coming to my senses. I maintain a good relationship with his parents. I resolve all issues with them. My husband's elderly father lost his legs for a week from such news. This is to say that the brains of men completely fail during the dog rut, and they run over not only their families, but also their parents by tank. Nora, in my relationship I made a decision and immediately put an end to it. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forgive, but I definitely won’t be able to forget. My husband behaved very dirty and bestially. I completely isolated myself from him.
But you know, if a strong passion really happened to him and he spoke to me honestly and humanly, I would try to fight for my family. Your husband repents of his deed. So there is potential. Enlist the support of your loved ones and children, unite and save each other. Do not dissolve in your husband, pay attention to yourself, treat yourself with love. Be sure to love yourself (yes, yes, such an exhausted, roaring with a red nose). In one thing, your husband is right - he cannot find a better wife. If he is a fool and loses you, then you definitely will not lose yourself. Don't be afraid of anything! With you children, loved ones and your amazing ability to love with all your heart. Be yourself!

Yuu, age: 38 / 03/04/2014

Nora, my husband, like yours, left the family for three months a year ago and lived with a fairy. Although, what a fairy she is, a ladle without education and principles, and I filed for divorce. A week before the trial, he returned, without apology , without things (his own, which he dragged to his new home). Just asked not to push him away. We live now, I can say that I am like a match, just a little something, these vile thoughts immediately begin to swarm in my head: "Where was he at that time a year ago, but does he remember her?" And I just can't forget, forgive, etc.
After reading your story, I thought about what will happen to us in a year, two, five? New fairy? There are no people who change only once, unfortunately, this is a fact. Now repentance and vows, but what about tomorrow? There are no answers. Only God knows why we were given to go through this test. Maybe in this way the Lord averted more terrible troubles from us? We have healthy and beautiful children, we have a place to live and something to wish for, many do not have this and never will. Let's give thanks for our life as it is, it's still beautiful.
And God willing, everything will be fine, you just need to believe and He will fix everything.
Happiness to you.

Lana, age: already 38 / 03/04/2014

Nora,
listen to yourself. And make a decision when you are sure of it.

If you leave your husband, how will you live? regretting? Finding no place without him? Will you part with him only externally, but not let go internally? Then it's not a breakup. It's just an unresolved issue.

If you do NOT leave your husband, how will you live? regretting? Not finding a place with him? Will you be together only on the outside, but will you be alone on the inside? Then it will not be a family, but exhausting nerves in one separate apartment.

All relationships are really similar. But, nevertheless, there is always a difference.
There is a very important point in your case!!!
The husband himself had already explained to himself that he was snickering. And he called himself a bastard. These are not just words. This is his assessment of himself. And not every husband is capable of this. Many simply lock themselves in and cannot say anything. Or not capable. Your husband is both capable and capable. Not the worst husband you have, Norochka. Not the most.
Further.
If a married lady has already flown from her husband, then she is unlikely to take risks further.
If she is, excuse me, normal. Without greetings.
If she is deviated from the norm, that is, with greetings, then the man will already understand this.
And, given the fact that everyone knows about their "love", he himself does not want to become a laughing stock.

Your husband needs a diet. Spiritual. It is very useful for him to realize that life in the family and lies on the side are different things. That that lady just used him. And he succumbed. And this is not a man's act.

Norochka, once again I urge you to listen to yourself.
There are men in the world who deserve our forgiveness. There is. But only you can feel it. And forgive.
I will say to myself that when I faced such a choice, I did not find a single argument in favor of Mr. Vishnevsky. And so far I have never regretted it. Forgiveness was simply impossible.
Yours is possible.
Listen to yourself. And give yourself a vacation by the sea. There, the brain always works better.
Is the wind blowing cobwebs out of them?

Nina Vishnevskaya, age: 44 / 03/04/2014

Nora, you are so young yet and it's so good! Well, because there is still strength to overcome, and there are many more years to use the wisdom that will become a logical continuation of this story.

God willing, everything will be fine with you. Leaving work is also an act on the part of the husband. This means that your family has potential. Everything will depend on the conclusions of you and your husband. For him, a lot of work on the bugs. For you - the acceptance of the fact that, given the unshakable truths of what is good and what is bad, not all people are equally strong and wise to resist evil. And the Lord deliberately allows someone to fall, so that he does not think much about himself and be more meek.
Of course, there are no and cannot be your mistakes in cheating on your husband - this is his responsibility. But rethink your attitude a little. Maybe this situation is for you and given?

Consider that cheating has no logical explanation. It's like the lack of logic in the fact that a person stumbled and fell. Yes, if you dig holes on the path and wind bumps, then they stumble more often. But it's not a fact: even on a bumpy road, others go smoothly, and on level ground, as you know, they stumble. So the opinion that if the relationship is ideal, then nothing threatens them - erroneous. Often we will build very good, right relationships and calm down, being pleased with ourselves - we are great, everything is fine with us. And we forget to turn to God in prayer every hour to preserve our well-being. Fornication is the same disease, and she does not care what kind of family to break: ideal or not. Therefore, we must ask the Lord for strength, wisdom not to do things ourselves and ask to protect relatives from this. After all, a person is very weak and none of us has guarantees that our loved ones will not fall or that we ourselves will not fall. And without the Lord, without prayer, without the Church, all our "ideal families" are sandcastles.

And further. I paid attention to your words, saying that I saved on myself, I didn’t go to the salon for 5 years, everything is in the house, everything is in the family. I will not tell you hackneyed phrases about "a man loves with his eyes", about "you need to pamper yourself", etc. Here, indeed, a healthy measure is needed: you don’t need to decorate yourself with feathers, but it’s also harmful not to take care of yourself. Harmful for one's psychological state, harmful for one's femininity, not so then a woman's eyes sparkle from self-awareness, as they could.

But often a woman misses another important point: a normal man is pleased to see and feel that he can please his wife. And including, if she spends a reasonable part of the money he earns on herself. He is pleased to see that his woman can afford to take care of herself, that she can buy herself a new thing, that her eyes light up with joy. From this, his self-esteem only grows. That is, if you feel good, then you will let your loving husband feel this "good". And therefore, it is impossible to neglect healthy self-care, since in the end the "saved amount" gives less benefit than mutual joy.

Strengthen you Lord in your difficult situation. Hold on - the family is worth fighting for in any case. Do everything in your power, and then as God wills. In any case, you will remain an honest good person. And this is probably the most important thing.

Elena, age: 37 / 03/04/2014

Hello Nora!
I will join those who believe that your story will have a happy ending.
You acted wisely not making your husband's betrayal public, and not putting him under fire from your family, although it would be easier for you to endure the autumn-winter months with the support of your relatives. You are indeed a strong woman and a strong person in a good way.
Therefore, I think you will have the strength to forgive and believe again. After all, a family where "one for all and all for one" is worth a lot!
And, it seems to me, this test was sent to both of you not for liberation from each other - if the family is over, there is nothing to store and restore, but on the contrary, to change something, improve, deepen in relation to each other.
Be sure to give it a chance!
God bless you!

palma, age: 43 / 03/04/2014

Many thanks to everyone for the support.
Yuliya, my children and I are baptized, I go to church, but rarely. The husband says that he was baptized as a child, but he does not believe in God. He never enters the temple, he is waiting for me on the porch. And I still can’t convince him, he doesn’t want to live with God.
She lived and did not know that trouble was walking nearby. And now you have to live and constantly be on the alert, there is no longer any trust and will not be, because. an error occurs once, and if there is a repetition, then this is already a pattern.
And in general, probably, it is only women who need a friendly family, so that children grow up in love and harmony, and men, like aliens, are different. "With a slight movement of the hand" (or some other part of the body) they can break ALL LIFE, cross out all 20 years for me, and for the children, and for themselves too.
I read stories on the site and am surprised at the bestiality of men (you can’t call the majority men). Why complicate the life of yourself and CLOSE, RELATED PEOPLE? I sincerely do not understand them: after all, everything is so simple - live honestly the way you would like to be treated - and you will be happy. No, they are looking for ... adventures, and then they repent .......
Girls, thank you you all huge for participation, advice. Of course, I will try to save my family, I will try to forgive (I definitely can’t forget).
Health to you all and your children and parents! And patience to all of us!

Nora, age: 42 / 03/07/2014

Nora, hello!
Why are you clinging to something that no longer exists? There is no real family. There is a joint living, there is a visible shell. For whom and what? So that people do not think that you may have problems and difficulties. In your life there are solid dependencies: from your husband, from the opinion of your parents, from the opinion of others. And you forced your husband to quit. Typical controlling behavior of a codependent wife. I will not console you: Your position is beneficial to you. You like the role of the sufferer and bearer of your cross. If you wanted to change your life in order to try to become happy, you would do it. Instead, you alternately enjoy the role of the victim, then become the persecutor of your own husband. Wake up, there's only one life! Get on with your life!

Light, age: 44 / 06/18/2014

One of the most painful problems of a midlife crisis is the sudden onset of dissatisfaction with one's marriage, partner, or relationship. For this reason, there are a lot of unpleasant situations in the family, many marriages collapse.

However, before you lament on the topic “how unlucky I am” and passively wait for that very moment of crisis for yourself or your spouse, you can try in advance with all your might to prevent the worst and save the family for many more years.

Why is this happening?

For both men and women, by a certain age, the first, but persistent feeling of waning youth begins to gradually come. Suddenly, it begins to seem that the natural sexual potential is fading away, that the former romance, activity and emotional unrest can no longer be experienced. Accordingly, it seems that some very important and interesting part of life has been irretrievably lost. But why? It's frustrating, scary, and you just don't want to put up with it. The reverse action begins. Therefore, a person who has fallen into this crisis is trying to prove to himself and to those around him that youth is still with him, that he is still ready for a lot, that a lot is still available to him and a lot will happen to him.

Men change a woman for a younger one - I’m still “hoo”, my whole life is ahead, I can have a child. A woman changes a man, as she thinks, for a more worthy one - I'm still a bride, I can like it, I can finally start to arrange my life in a proper way, to be loved and treated kindly. Here is a typical picture of such age differences.

Let's try to understand in more detail what exactly is happening in the soul and head of each of the sexes, where does a different “understanding” of perspectives in their personal lives come from. At the same time, it is worth paying attention to the fact that all this “understanding” does not occur in an obvious way, a person does not sit and think like two and a half: this is more profitable for me, it will be better for me there for this and that reason. All this happens on an unconscious level. So our unconscious processes play out certain scenarios and outcomes, and then the consciousness already has a ready plan - it’s necessary, I’m leaving, I’m changing. And in the unconscious, everything is boiled, as in a huge cauldron: something didn’t suit, the spouse was wrong about something, everything got screwed up, confused, they told him, he got angry ... Everything will repeat itself several times, and here is the result - “I will change everything, until it's not too late".

So why do they get frustrated and leave?

1. He wants to prolong his youth, he wants to feel that not the best half of his life is behind, but exactly the same, and that an equally interesting and full-fledged personal story awaits him ahead.

2. Very often, having achieved a certain material and social success, a man falls for provocations from young women who show interest in him because of his wealth. He revels in this interest because he is worthy, he is chosen by such a pretty one, how interesting, strong and attractive he is.

3. It often happens that a complex emerges very sharply to the surface: a man does not want a woman to see how he went through his thorny path with falls and failures, as he was once insolvent, weak in some way. He wants the new woman to see him immediately as a "ready prince", but what is there, already a "king", firmly on his feet, confident and accomplished. At the same time, the “fighting girlfriend”, who loved and supported him the way he was, all this time, ungratefully disappears as unnecessary. And here it is not her fault, his complex is to blame for everything.

1. She begins to gradually lose her attractiveness and youth by her 30-35 years. In the event that a man has not distinguished himself with special masculinity and wealth, a woman begins to understand that with the years her last chances to find a more worthy male and secure a full life for the rest of the future are gone.

2. A woman can also change a man for someone who gives her more freedom in self-expression, and does not force her to sit at home with a vacuum cleaner and soups. Romance and passion are behind us, years are coming when self-sufficiency and self-realization become actual desires. This is also a kind of grasping for the last chance - she could not realize herself as a person in this marriage, there is still a chance to fix everything in another.

3. With age, a woman begins to worry more and more about her attractiveness. Meanwhile, the man, meanwhile, pays her less and less compliments, less often pays attention, makes gifts and shows signs of courtesy. Such a gap between an acute need and its very small satisfaction makes the female sex look for someone who will appreciate and elevate her precisely as a Woman, with a capital letter of this word.

What do we have to do?

Both those and others in such situations need patience and wisdom if you do not want to lose a loved one and want to prevent possible problems, or if you are ready to endure the difficulties of betrayal, if one has already taken place.

Men need:

1. Do not forget to compliment a woman, give gifts, create romantic situations, show tenderness and care.

2. Monitor your behavior: do not show yourself next to a woman as a friend or mother. A woman can regret and support, but dumping all her failures, weaknesses and experiences on her at home is also not an option. She will tire of such a weak man and find a stronger shoulder.

3. Encourage a woman in her endeavors, support her initiative to take care of herself, be interested in her progress in terms of hairstyles, weight loss, as well as new courses, job searches or creative expression.

Women need:

1. Support your husband, be attentive to his mental states, talk with him and share his experiences with understanding. Do not get annoyed and do not get angry if the character of your missus suddenly began to deteriorate. It is better to try to kindly find out what happened, what he feels, why he behaves this way, if something hurts him, if he is very upset because of some non-obvious problem.

2. Do not be jealous for no reason, do not be capricious, do not vent evil and discontent on your husband. Otherwise, one of the strongest engines of the crisis will hook him: “They don’t like me and don’t understand me here,” and he will go looking for a more hospitable and sympathetic female soul on the side.

3. Monitor your appearance as much as possible, give a man a chance to see a woman in you so that he can behave towards you just like a real woman, and not like a wife who lives at home nearby.

4. If there was a serious betrayal, but there was a desire and hope to save the family for the future, then know that, according to statistics, men return back in about two years. So, if you have the strength and patience, be smarter from an everyday point of view. Do not rush to divorce, maintain a neutral relationship for the sake of the child and relatives, do not tear everything to smithereens and take a detached but peaceful position. Then the man will know in hindsight that they didn’t grab him, didn’t roll at his feet, but there is a chance to restore relations, because his wife behaved not like a hysteric, but like a mature woman. And with such a woman you will want to live your whole life, because sooner or later half of the departing husbands realize that they have changed their native and familiar to something new, but incomprehensible, not suitable, with their own problems and whims.

In marriage, the most common scenario is this: a man lived with his wife the same age as 15-20 years old and suddenly husband having a midlife crisis. At this moment, a young girl appears on the horizon, who will take advantage of the situation and. A stormy romance takes place, which leads to the fact that.

As a rule, young women immediately begin to manipulate a man and their relationship, arguing that they do not like to live like this, and also to share their man with another woman. The result of such actions is obvious, and leads to a divorce of a man from his wife. But in most cases, when a man leaves the family for, their passion over time is replaced by the same life and monotony.

If a man is satisfied with his young wife, then over time, she, as a rule, becomes pregnant and sits on his neck along with the child. In such a situation, the main thing is not to become an amoebic fish and cut off from reality, because it was the same in the last family, and the man left this. This should always be remembered by a young woman, as she herself may find herself in the same situation.

A woman should definitely find a hobby, passion, constantly improve and develop herself so that your man does not lose interest in you.

There is another version of the development of events, it is more common. This is when, after a divorce, a man and his young wife begin to live together and soon realize that they are still not suitable for each other, their passions have subsided, there is no need to hide from anyone, all the movement has disappeared. On the other hand, a woman understands that she no longer has the freedom that she used to have, that she can no longer afford to meet her girlfriends in a club until the morning, short dresses and high heels, as a house, a husband and a stove are waiting for her.

In marriages between an elderly man and a young woman, one must be able to yield to each other, finding compromises. An excellent option would be to periodically take a break from each other, so you can constantly maintain a man’s interest in your person and learn to trust your partner.

Dear women, you should never try and especially impose your point of view on him. Listen to a woman and do the opposite!

It is worth remembering that your man lived somehow before you, and this left an imprint on his habits and outlook on life.

It is believed that a marriage between a man and a woman, where their age differs significantly (the difference should be no more than 15 years) is successful for both partners. Both partners benefit from such relationships: a woman in such a family plays the role of a weak and defenseless woman, and her man plays the role of a strong, wise man who takes care of his soulmate. In such a marriage, both are happy and contented.

A very important piece of advice for women who have decided to tie their fate to an elderly man is to keep an eye on yourself!

If a man and a woman live together, then over time the woman ages faster than if she lived with a man of her age. Here an important role is played by the joint life and pastime in the same territory, common interests, cinema, food, etc. It turns out that over time, a man and a woman become similar to each other. Also, do not forget that in marriage with an elderly man, a woman needs to be very attentive, a good housewife, a caring mother, a beloved wife and a personal doctor, in general.

Midlife is a time when people critically analyze and evaluate their lives. Some may be satisfied with themselves, believing that they have reached the peak of their capabilities. For others, the analysis of past years can be a painful process.

When talking about middle age, the phrase "midlife crisis" immediately comes to mind. This phenomenon has been repeatedly studied by many researchers in the field of psychology and medicine. Of course, different researchers have their own approach to this problem. For example, there is an opinion that a mid-life crisis is more an exception than a rule and threatens, first of all, those who tend to avoid introspection and use the defensive mechanism of denial, trying not to notice the changes taking place in their body.

There is another opinion, according to which more than half of men experience a midlife crisis. Many women also experience a midlife crisis, but they pass it more calmly. A man after forty more than ever needs a sensitive and understanding wife. It is during this period that he begins to experience a violent desire to change his life and burn bridges behind him. During this time, the risk of divorce is higher than ever. Famous "strong" marriages that lasted for years suddenly break like houses of cards.

The desire to leave is the most common behavioral strategy during the critical forty years. A fair question may arise: why this departure? Certainly from age.

A forty-five-year-old man will never admit that he feels older, although he is well aware that there is no escape from this.

Men after forty are generally prone to fleeting affairs. Some, of course, are afraid of such adventures, others do not have the opportunity to carry them out. The majority look with lust at women who are not their wives. And most of them manage to make their dreams come true. It may seem that the desire for debauchery occurs most often in men at this age. But the fact is that he always had such a desire, and not only after the critical forty years. They just used to suppress their sexual desires, but now they are more inclined to satisfy them. The main weapon in the fight against depression, in their opinion, is a sexual victory over a young woman. Having won such a victory, a man for some time again feels young and full of strength.

Love affairs at this age are like a pill that brings only temporary relief. Over time, a man has to deal with the causes of this depression himself and come to terms with the onset of old age. Only in this way will he be able to overcome the crisis of the fortieth. The only consolation is that the crisis is a very short-lived phenomenon. However, we should not forget that during this period, the tendency to impulsive actions sharply increases. A man easily succumbs to various obsessive ideas: to sell his house, leave his job, move to another country for a year ... This does not mean that every change at this time means a change for the worse, but each of his actions during this period must be carefully considered.

Only a loving wife can help a man cope with all this. The most reasonable thing in such a situation is to try to interest the husband in common family affairs and make him feel like the core on which everything rests. A man who every evening, until sleep, hides his melancholy, hiding behind a newspaper, or sits in front of the TV until he is completely stupefied, is very close to deep depression, loneliness and a sense of his own uselessness.

Sometimes he very keenly feels the need to be with his family, but for certain reasons he does not find the strength to overcome the barrier of alienation that has arisen. Unfortunately, every married couple or just close people go through hard times. Sometimes it takes long years to cope with the negative emotions caused by the onset of middle age. But this does not mean at all that the entire period from forty to fifty passes in a state of crisis, depression or domestic troubles. Depression comes and goes, followed by moments of complete happiness. But all men after forty experience at least one long crisis. Its depth and intensity depend on the character of the person and his temperament. By the end of the critical decade, most men have successfully adjusted to the reality of middle age. They quite manage to pull themselves together, resolve all conflicts and concentrate on the future.

On a note

* It should be noted that it is precisely those men who have had a difficult childhood who overcome the critical decade with the least losses. According to statistical reports, these men were able to endure stress and disappointment more easily than men whose childhood was happy.

* Most often, a midlife crisis occurs in men, since their main purpose is to realize themselves in work. The world expects only really positive, constructive results from a man. A woman has a slightly different direction of creativity - a woman bears, gives birth and raises a child.

"Middle age crisis". You've probably already heard about it. The phenomenon is usually associated with a negative reassessment of one's own experience - when former opportunities seem to be missed, and youth is irretrievably gone.

It is believed that men around the age of 40 are mainly affected by this crisis, but there are no specific age limits here - for some, it can occur even at 30 years old. The early onset of a midlife crisis can be triggered by a high pace of life.
When life has already been determined, and the personality has fully taken place, it would seem that there is nowhere to wait for unforeseen complications, you can safely enjoy prosperity and realize your potential. But it is during this period, most often, that a midlife crisis comes, and if at this moment a person succumbs to surging emotions, it is possible that he will destroy his own life to the ground. What do you need to know to prevent this?

First of all, you need to understand the secret meaning of what is happening. And for this you need to look back - in the days of your own youth. Behind the school, parental prohibitions - in front of an infinite number of opportunities, a healthy body, a soul that wants to turn the world upside down. Of course, there is still a little fear of the vast world, there are fears that the world will not accept you, but they only occasionally darken the soul of a young man or girl entering a new phase for themselves. And from 20 to 35 years old, each of us is busy searching for himself in this world, mastering new activities.

And in adulthood, when a stable job appeared, his own family, requiring constant attention, a person suddenly feels that he has fallen into a trap. Why? Because now his freedom is sharply limited. If in his youth he could flutter like a butterfly from partner to partner, now he is held by obligations to children, common life, and other reasons. Perhaps they do not prevent him from continuing to love his loved ones, but a sense of duty begins to come to the fore, which obscures tenderness and affection. And, as you know, it is natural for a person to want to throw off the shackles, and when he begins to thoughtlessly struggle with his own life circumstances, his life cracks.

If the situation is complicated by the fact that a family person is forced to engage in an unloved business that generates income, giving up their hobbies and hobbies, this process is greatly accelerated, and it can be very difficult to stop it. Once having released the demon of destruction from your soul, you need to reconsider your whole life, change completely, in order to again see the world around you fresh and beautiful, rejoice at the smiles of your children again, feel an irresistible attraction to your wife.

This difficult and painful process of internal transformation is not for everyone, so most people simply break relationships without going into a deep analysis of what is happening. The probability of a re-happy marriage in this case is not so great. The fact is that the older a person becomes, the more difficult it is for him to adapt to a new partner. As a result, quarrels arise from scratch, and the romance, which began beautifully and romantically, quickly ends.

People who are married at the age of 20-25 have a more flexible psyche, they still do not have such rigid stereotypes of behavior that appear in the future. Therefore, their lives are not complicated by such problems. But, on the other hand, young people are not distinguished by tolerance and wisdom, they are not able to remain silent in a conflict situation, and mutual tactlessness can be the reason for parting. Therefore, do not think that young age gives great advantages in building strong relationships. Here, the internal compatibility of the couple is more important, which has nothing to do with age restrictions.

Such a married couple is also not immune from the devastating consequences of a midlife crisis, however, people who trust each other and strive to find common ground always have a great chance to get out of this test with the least losses.

The well-known saying “the best is the enemy of the good” fully justifies itself if a person experiencing a midlife crisis suddenly begins to blame others for preventing him from fulfilling himself, standing in his way. At the same time, he forgets about the relations that exist between them, acting as a consumer who defends his rights in all instances. This is a destructive position that does not carry anything positive. And without a timely understanding of this simple fact, a midlife crisis can lead to complete collapse.

Why is it predominantly men who are affected by this crisis?

Among Americans, one in four people between the ages of 40 and 55 are affected by middle age, regardless of whether it is a man or a woman. In our country, a country of hidden matriarchy, men experience an inferiority complex almost from birth. Strong, energetic mothers give birth to it, and powerful and strong-willed wives continue to develop it.

Since men get married quite early in our country - on average at 25-27 years old, by the age of 35 they suddenly discover with anguish that their career has not yet taken off, and family life has already become a routine.

Do not wait with horror for the "fatal" mark of 40 years. The onset of this period is individual, it can begin at different ages and proceed in different ways. However, there are some common features that are characteristic of the onset of the crisis.

Crises haunt a person throughout his life and are such a kind of exams for adulthood. The first crisis, the crisis of independence is considered 3 years. Then adolescence is singled out, which is also a crisis for the emerging personality. Psychologists date the crisis of the first maturity at 30-33-35 years of life. The next one is the mid-life crisis, the age of the new identity. After that, those who successfully coped with the crisis or did not experience it at all enter a period of emotional stability, maturity and dedication. But recently, psychologists are beginning to single out another crisis - the crisis of ambition. It overtakes young people in the period of 22-28 years and is associated primarily with the severity of professional implementation.

Midlife crisis symptoms:

Insomnia, sickness, despondency, fatigue, inability to concentrate, thoughts about what I didn’t intend to do or didn’t have time to do, regrets, inexplicable and uncontrollable desire for something (silver Porsche) or someone (that redhead from the personnel department). And finally, it is at the moment of a midlife crisis that a man suddenly begins to think about big questions like: "What is the meaning of my life?"

The main reason for the crisis can be called the fact that a man begins to analyze his past and think about the future. In itself, this is by no means a bad thing, but for too many, these reflections lead to a sense of the collapse of everything that has been achieved. There are thoughts about age, that life is short, time is running out. If a man became a parent early, then the children who have grown up by this time make you feel even more acutely your not young years. In combination with thoughts about their real or imagined insolvency, this forms a truly explosive mixture. This is where feverish attempts begin to prove to others that this is not so, that youth is still with him, attempts to change the situation, changing everything, from family to type of activity.

In youth, we are looking to the future, not really thinking about comprehending life experience - especially since it is not so great during this period. But with age, the situation changes and a person begins to compare his real achievements with youthful dreams. Often this translates into a "recognition" that most of them failed to materialize.

A man during this period can withdraw into himself, become depressed and become irritable. Trying to find a way out, he can suddenly change hobbies and clothing style. In "severe" cases, a change of job and even a break in family relations are possible. It is during this period that an aggravation of alcohol dependence can occur.

As it happens in men:

The midlife crisis hits the head mostly men, as beings constantly competing with each other and having more time for "global" thoughts. Women, as a rule, are more passionate about kindergarten, cooking, cleaning, and they simply do not have time for this;

A man begins to think about how much he has done in his life and compares himself with more successful peers. As a rule, not in their favor;

After this comparison, he begins to "look for the guilty." Not everyone has the courage to admit that if something is wrong, then the reason is precisely in it. Therefore, relatives often turn out to be “guilty” - for example, a wife.

After the wife is defined as “guilty”, a logical conclusion follows: you need to leave your wife, I alone will achieve more. And the man leaves, especially if there is a place (for example, to another apartment);

During this period, a man starts relationships with other women. The motive is this: am I depriving myself in marriage? Maybe other women are better?

The truth is that this period is passing. A man begins to look at things more optimistically: he understands that there are peers who are more successful than him, but there are many who are much more unfortunate. After that, the understanding comes that the wife did not interfere all these years, but rather helped (especially if everything was more or less in order in the marriage).

Connections with women are boring. He is no longer a boy, and in order to work quietly, and personal life should be calm. You need to have a place where you will be supported, where you were seen and accepted in “any” form: both sick, and “under the fly”, and without money, and irritated. And with new women, you need to constantly be not yourself, but someone else: constantly cheerful, generous, cheerful .... So the man understands that he was “deeply wrong” when he decided to part with his wife.

A man comes out of the “midlife crisis” refreshed, but also pretty shabby. The crisis ends when a man sets himself new somehow global goals, redefines his place in life. And often this is the same place that was.

And now, a man who left the family wants to return back. But here there are a lot of obstacles. It turns out that the wife does not want to understand his "mental turmoil" and is greatly offended by everything that he managed to tell her during the period of his and her reassessment. And here all the wisdom, all the good will of the wife is needed in order to take back this "lost wanderer." And often the help of a psychologist to help spouses ... no, not "return the past", but to create a new family, taking into account the experience.

Meanwhile, the midlife crisis is a great opportunity to become smarter, calmer, stronger and (attention!) Attractive to women than ever before. You just need to know something about this interesting period in your life in advance and be ready to meet it fully armed.

The biggest secret is to find yourself. Carl Jung, a Swiss psychiatrist and one of the founders of psychoanalysis, called this process individualization.

Here is a simplified version of Young's model. In your youth, you design yourself a space suit for the outside world, a kind of mask that will help you cope with your studies, get the maximum number of women into bed, increase some sales, in general, succeed. Under the suit you hide your neuroses, fears and everything else that is too dark, defiant or just eccentric in order to be accepted by decent society and again succeed in it.

So far so good, the onboard systems are functioning normally. But as soon as something happens (for example, despite all the precautions, you get a divorce or get fired), a crack appears in the suit; hidden secrets begin to break out and cry out to you. To go from a young man to an adult, you need, firstly, to listen to these voices, and secondly, to do at least something of what they ask you to do. That is, throw off the fake wrappers.