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The Chemistry of Passion: How long does passion last? And why does love die? How long does the passion between a man and a woman last.

What causes people the most difficulty in relationships? According to the famous professor of psychiatry Dean Delis, it all comes down to the following paradox. One partner always loves more and tries to win the affection of his chosen one. But the more love he wants, the less the other side is disposed to give it.

None of the partners can be blamed for the resulting imbalance. And if you work together, you can find the source of the violation of harmony, and then correct the situation. In the book "Paradox of Passion" you will read why most people fall into this trap, how to change wrong behavior patterns and return old feelings. And right now - a few interesting ideas from it.

This seductive fear

Regardless of what the nascent feelings turn out to be, the first sensation is the same for everyone: an uncontrollable uncontrollable fall into the abyss. Falling in love stimulates the release of powerful amphetamine-like substances into the brain. These stimulants have a fascinating side effect - an unusually pleasant sensation.

Falling in love is biochemically associated with a feeling of loss of control, -

Falling in love, a person literally “pulsates” with emotions: he is shaking with anticipation, his palms are sweating, his heart is beating wildly, he physically feels a surge of energy. He is focused on what he loves. Fear of rejection is the main reason that causes passion and a sense of danger in love. As soon as a person falls in love, there is no trace of his self-confidence.

Until we are finally convinced of the love of a partner, the possibility of being rejected makes us feel especially powerless and experience even greater passion.

How imbalance occurs

At the beginning of most relationships, both partners experience hesitation. A sense of danger and a desire to regain control over the situation make them make great efforts to increase their attractiveness.

However, as soon as you feel confident in your partner's love, passion will begin to fade. If you have conquered you, you feel insecure, fall in love even more and begin to desperately fight for control of the relationship. Such behavior only irritates and repels the "strong" partner.

Perhaps the best example of this paradox was given by Leo Tolstoy in the novel Anna Karenina. Lovers - Anna and the young Count Vronsky - reach amazing heights of passion partly because circumstances do not allow them to be together. But as soon as Anna leaves her husband, the count's passion begins to wane. Anna begins to be consumed by a sense of insecurity that turns her love into an obsession.

Frame from the film "Anna Karenina" (1967), -

How to understand that you are trapped?

To determine if you have fallen into the trap of passion, evaluate how these statements characterize your couple.

One partner is more jealous than the other.

One partner is usually waiting for a call or the return home of his half.

One partner makes more effort than the other to initiate communication.

One partner says the words "I love you" more often than the other.

One partner is more attractive to the opposite sex than the other.

One partner is less affectionate than the other after physical intimacy.

One partner wants to "work on the relationship" more than the other.

One partner usually feels neglected at parties, while the other feels stiff in the company due to the presence of the second half.

One partner is more anxious and insecure about the stability of the relationship, while the second takes them for granted.

One partner expresses annoyance or embarrassment at the other's behavior in public.

During quarrels, one partner complains of "selfishness", "narcissism" and "carelessness" of the other, while the latter complains of "jealousy", "obsession" and "excessive demands".

If several of these points are about you, then there is an imbalance in your relationship. The more “yes” answers, the more the harmony is broken.

Chameleon people

Having fallen madly in love, we begin to please our partner too much. Here is what a client of Dean Delisa says about her lover: “Jonathan was fond of existentialism, and I did not want to seem completely ignorant. I bought several books on modern philosophy and began to study the material. During one of our dinners, I dropped a couple of phrases about Sartre, Kierkegaard, "true being" and so on. Jonathan just couldn't believe his ears."

We're trying to be attractive to whoever we want to be the right match for. Sloppy people suddenly become neat, irritable - radiate calmness and peacefulness. When we decide to win someone's heart, we identify their most serious interests and then show that we share them.

Falling in love turns us into chameleons. And this is a direct path to the wrong relationship model.

Recovery of individuality

Having caught signs of a “weak” in yourself, immediately start thinking about two things at once: how to reduce pressure on a partner and how to become stronger yourself. The best way to achieve both is to work on reclaiming your identity outside of the relationship. Focus not on what is expected of you, but on what interests you.

Do not lose yourself even for the sake of your beloved, -

First, take an inventory of your personality. Ask yourself the following questions:

What activities gave me pleasure before meeting my chosen one (or before problems arose between us)?

What are my personal goals outside of this relationship? Am I trying to implement them?

What are my strengths? Am I currently using them?

The word "l" is prohibited

Leave love alone. Using the L word makes it difficult to talk about relationships. Many "strong", torn apart by spiritual contradictions, really do not know how they feel for a partner. Usually leaders reason like this: “I don’t feel the same love, that’s why I move away.”

Having ceased to worry about love, partners begin to discuss harmful models of their behavior more effectively, -

This approach is dangerous because it turns cool feelings into the couple's main problem. Leaders should learn to reason like this: “Something is happening to our relationship that makes me withdraw and love less.” This way of framing the question interprets the “loss” of love as a symptom of relationship dynamics and offers hope that wrong patterns of behavior can be changed so that love flares up with renewed vigor.

More in the book:

What are the wrong patterns of behavior in a couple
Recipes for overcoming problems in love
How to bring passion back into a relationship
Varieties of "strong" and "weak" partners
How to deal with recriminations
What to do with jealousy
Stories from the life of real people
How to overcome the bias towards one of the partners
How to create strong, long lasting relationships
When it's time to leave a person

The paradox of passion can put an end to a barely born romance or poison the life of a couple with experience. Of course, the ardent passion for each other will not last forever, but this is not necessary. Over time, partners should move into a phase of intimacy and warmth. About how to achieve harmony in relationships, an experienced psychologist Dean Delis.

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Passion is the strongest feeling that arises at the level of instincts. This is a powerful passion and desire to completely possess another person. Physical attraction occurs at a subconscious level and cannot be controlled. Sooner or later at some point in life, everyone is faced with a similar feeling, but many people confuse the concepts of "passion" and "love" with each other, especially when they are in their teens. This happens because a person in both cases is irresistibly attracted to the other.

How is love different from passion

In adulthood, a person usually already knows how to distinguish between love and passion between themselves. People understand that love is not only a candy-bouquet period and endless happiness, it is also a huge work on oneself and on relationships. Passion is more irresponsible and frivolous.

There is a huge difference between these feelings. Love is the spiritual closeness of two people, while passion is the desire to possess a person completely. Selfish feeling. However, without it, normal and harmonious relations in a couple, most likely, will not work. Physical attraction is the foundation on which relationships begin to build and subsequently true love is born. If the relationship is based only on passion, in such a situation people do not listen to each other's desires, and everyone wants to satisfy only their own needs. Passion, unlike love, is fleeting. It can disappear as quickly as it appeared. When a person achieves the object of passion, his desire fades away. But it is not uncommon for physical attraction to be reborn into true love.

Psychologists compare passion with the effects of drugs.

Love is more characterized by the desire to make the other half happy, even to the detriment of oneself. Experiencing sexual interest at the level of instinct, a person is focused only on satisfying his own needs. During passion, the strongest emotions prevail, and all thoughts rush to the object of adoration. Love, on the contrary, is a meaningful and calm feeling, when the happiness of another becomes much more important than your own. Interest is shown to the person, and appearance does not really matter.

What is the difference between love and infatuation

Signs of feelings

On the basis of love and physical attraction, long-term relationships are born that end with the creation of a family. In order not to make a serious mistake in his life, a person must be able to distinguish between these feelings. If you marry on, then the union will not bring happiness to any of the partners. When sexual interest fades, the relationship between the spouses will break.

Signs of Passion:

insane interest in the body of another person;
relationships are based on flirting, not heart-to-heart talk;
there is a pathological feeling of jealousy and fear of loss;
the object of passion is endowed with non-existent qualities, there is a reluctance to look at him with a sober look;
requires increased attention to your person;
spending time together is reduced to sexual contact and fun;
the union is more like a relationship of lovers than friends.

To recognize love and passion, you need to listen to your own feelings and analyze feelings.

Love is expressed in the following signs:

desire to get to know the person better;
striving to be near “both in sorrow and in joy”;
the desire to surround a partner with affection, care and warmth, without requiring the same attitude in return;
need for communication on any topic;
striving for understanding and respect for a partner;
willingness to compromise;
the desire to fulfill any request of a loved one;
in bed in the first place is the satisfaction of the interests of the partner.

Love is a deep and creative feeling. Passion destroys and destroys; when a relationship breaks, it always hurts one of the partners. The one who experienced more serious feelings. It's unavoidable.

Stages of relationships between partners

Relationship stages based on love and sexual interest:

1. Passionate relationship. The period of falling in love is exactly the moment when a person sees the object of his adoration through “rose-colored glasses” and endows him with non-existent qualities. Communication at this level does not take place with a real person, but with a fictional phantom that is groomed, cherished and protected. After one or two years, the rose-colored glasses fall off, and the former lover experiences a feeling of great disappointment.
2. True love with elements of passion. In this case, the priorities are set properly. Love is at the head and controls sensuality. This is the perfect union of a man and a woman.
3. Love. Such relationships are not suitable for all couples. They are designed for people with a certain type of character and personality type. A sort of quiet harbor with eternal calm. The union may bore one of the partners, and the person will go to look for the missing emotions on the side. But if a couple is satisfied with this relationship, and they feel happy, their relationship will last for an extended period of time.

By nature, women are more emotional. However, passion is most important to men. During passionate love, they produce hormones that increase their effectiveness in any area of life several times.

Women, due to their developed intuition, tend to catch even minor changes in relationships and feel when cooling begins between partners. If she reacts to changes in time and tries to return passion to the relationship with the help of various tricks, most likely she will be able to save the union. A woman's passion for a man lasts longer. It is easier to keep it, it can live with the help of love. When she is at the stage of falling in love, she is ready to move mountains for the sake of her chosen one.

In order for a man’s passion for a woman not to fade away, it is necessary to constantly work on relationships and add variety to intimate life.

Men like experiments in bed and will appreciate passionate sex. After all, this is exactly what holds the relationship together and does not allow the physical attraction to go out.

The Chemistry of Passion: How long does passion last? And why does love die?

It turns out that the basis of the strongest feelings are just chemical processes.

Where does love live?

The seat of love is the heart. In fact, the heart is not a source, but an indicator of love. Its desperate thud that everyone seems to hear, its frightening interruptions let us know how strong this feeling is.

Where love lives, the anthropologist, Ph.D. Helen Fisher knows. She found this out empirically with the help of computed tomography and several dozen volunteers in love.

Love, it turns out, lives in the head, in the deepest and most ancient parts of the brain that we inherited from our ancient ancestors - reptiles. It is where our basic, uncontrollable feelings and drives reside. It was these departments that became active when a portrait of the object of their passion appeared before the eyes of the lovers. When they were shown a photo of just a familiar person, there was no activation.

But this is not yet chemistry, but physics.

Messengers and Messengers

For the fire of love to engulf us, the brain must send signals throughout the body. The signals are not electrical, but chemical, in the form of certain hormones, more precisely, neurotransmitters. What exactly - scientists also found out: with romantic love, the content of dopamine, the target hormone, as well as norepinephrine (adrenaline) increases in the blood.

At the same time, the content of serotonin, the hormone of pleasure, decreases. As a result, love is strongly associated with suffering (lack of serotonin) and at the same time with high take-off, inspiration (excess of adrenaline). As for the main "culprit" - dopamine, it gives full concentration on the subject of passion. He imperiously compels to achieve the goal, to strive for the possession of such a desired object.

Is the age of love long?

And scientists know this. The state of passionate love lasts an average of 12-17 months. In principle, this is enough to achieve reciprocity or to receive a final refusal. If the fire of passion burned longer, it would simply burn us to the ground, which is clearly not included in the plans of nature. Happy lovers would die from exhaustion, and rejected ones from unbearable suffering.

But there are no rules without exceptions. In some cases, love can last a very long time. Especially if it's unhappy love. For happy love, nature has a mechanism that turns a violent flame into an even hearth fire. For unhappy love, there is no such mechanism - only the instinct of self-preservation. It doesn't always work.

Hormones vs Hormones

When the goal is achieved, souls and bodies are united, a new stage of relations begins. In the process of lovemaking, substances such as oxytocin and vasopressin are produced. These substances are related to the production of offspring, to lactation, and also to the formation of that amazing relationship that binds mother and child. These are the hormones of tenderness and affection.

These same substances suppress the production of "hormones of passion." Passionate love fades as attachment grows.

The phase of quiet bliss is provided by nature for the period necessary to bear and feed the baby. Its duration is three years on average. In the fourth year, many relationships fall apart.

On the other hand, other couples demonstrate an amazing vitality of feelings and relationships. But these are different feelings and different relationships. And they are connected not with the ancient, "reptilian", but with the later, purely human structures of the brain. You can call it friendship, you can call it eternal love. In any case, these feelings are another topic.

By the way

About the benefits of grooming

The "survivability" of relations is largely determined by the speed of their development. As soon as the blinding passion subsides, we suddenly discover that the object of our adoration is not without flaws. Why did he change so quickly?

In fact, he did not change, just in a love fever we had neither the time nor the opportunity to see our chosen one.

A long period of courtship allows the two to get to know each other better and at least partially insure against unpleasant discoveries.

Interesting

Remedy for lovesickness

Can a broken heart be mended? Can. And knowing the chemistry of love will help.

Endorphins - natural painkillers - play a key role in the bliss of shared love. They give a general feeling of well-being. But these substances are released not only during bodily contact between lovers. They are also produced during physical activity: many are familiar with the “high of a runner” - pleasant sensations associated with stress, sports, and movement. The joy of movement - unlike the joy of love - is available to everyone and at any time. The one who knows this secret will not wither away from love anguish.

Raising low levels of serotonin will help dark chocolate or lying on the sand by the sea. And now life doesn't seem so miserable.

But what about unused dopamine, the “hunting hormone” associated with the pursuit of a goal, with the pursuit of prey? It can be spent in pursuit of victory in sports. Any hunting, including fishing and mushroom picking, is quite a dopamine activity. Gambling - from the same series. But the best thing is a career. An excess of dopamine will allow you to quickly achieve professional growth: having spent this substance, you will forget about unhappy love.

Personal opinion

Maxim Dunayevsky, composer:

– Life span of passion is individual. It depends on temperament, and on some external circumstances. There are also singletons. I know such people, but, in my opinion, they are terribly boring people. Of course, the first feeling of “passion of a high note” passes, and if it is taken for love, then yes, love is fleeting. But ideally, passion should move into a more stable and stronger relationship.

Personalities in love are overly vulnerable and easily succumb to the signals of the subconscious. Passion is the constant companion of love. This feeling is beyond control, it affects behavior and actions.

Otherwise, passion is the desire for someone or something with a highly expressed emotional context.

On average, passion for a man lasts from a few weeks to one year, and then a reassessment of the situation, choice and necessity begins. Usually this is quite enough to win over a partner and get to know him better. Sometimes this gap is delayed until the couple begins to joint. After all, it is then that you notice all the shortcomings and negative qualities of a man.

However, after a while, passion turns into another stream.

If everything continued to boil and boil forever, people would not be able to achieve their goals. This passionate temporary insanity, beautiful for many couples, is remembered for a lifetime, when you can’t live without an object of adoration for a day or a second. This stage is replaced by another, the desire to be together all my life, create a family and have children. Such phenomena of changing feelings are associated with various hormones that are released at different intervals of the relationship.

How to stop time

Passion begins its life in moments of falling in love, helping to express all the feelings that accumulate inside, splashing out a hurricane of emotions out. When this fire goes out, love begins to fade. For a long life of these feelings, constant ignition of the hearth is necessary. Without the necessary spark, passion lives for a very short time, until the entire supply of emotions stops, and then there is a lull ...

Unfortunately, you cannot stop time or bring everything back in order to feel everything again. There are two options, the first is to start a new relationship every time the passion ends and experience it all over again and again. But, of course, you won’t be able to live like this all the time, so the second option - to constantly maintain feelings - is much more effective.

Even in adulthood, some people feel passion for each other. Such situations are extremely rare, but they do happen. It all depends on the temperament of the individual and the course of the relationship. Constant care, gratuitous thirst to give pleasure to another, to live with the problems and worries of a partner, this is what maintains the fire of love and ignites a spark of passion.

Everything in this life has a logical conclusion, but only you yourself determine the gap between the beginning and the end of this stage.

Not all women realize that female and male psychology are different. This causes misunderstanding, resentment and quarrels. Often a woman demonstrates her concern by worrying about every little thing and thousands of caring questions and phone calls. It seems to her that this is a manifestation of love, and she does not understand that a man perceives such behavior as a desire for total control over his life. And that annoys everyone. How to behave to become necessary man What does he need from his beloved woman?

Instruction

Accept it the way it is. You should not constantly remind him of his shortcomings and try to remake him by forced methods. A wise woman will find to correct her behavior or appearance gently and completely imperceptibly for him - so that he perceives all positive changes in himself as a result of self-improvement.

Admire them. Express approval, joyful surprise and delight about his actions and skills. This is a great incentive to become even better for him. The realization that his talents are appreciated, that he is the best for you, makes him stronger and inspires confidence in his abilities.

Become his reliable rear. In the outside world, we all face various troubles, dangers and betrayals. The more valuable are those relationships in which there is no need to prevaricate, dodge, where you will be listened to and approved. At the same time, approval is not always that you completely agree with it. By approving, you recognize his actions and hope that they are caused by good intentions.

Show him your weakness. Even if you are a strong, self-confident woman, do not hesitate to periodically make it clear that you need his strength and support, that there is something that you cannot cope with without him. The present needs to take care of someone, it makes him stronger.

Beginning of the post

In a sacred hadith, it is written how a simple person can find out about the beginning of the great Muslim fast. It begins with the appearance of a new month in the sky (on the night of the new moon) and ends when the month reappears. Its duration is 30 days (one lunar month).

The scriptures say that it was enough for one person (unless it was a woman) to see the new moon and tell the others about it. Preferably the ruler or his deputy in the given territory. Since then, the beginning of Ramadan has been declared by a competent person at her discretion, based either on observing the phases of the moon, or calculated astronomically if the moon is not visible in the sky due to any circumstances. To confirm the end of the fast, the testimony of two people was needed. Due to the accepted reference system, the beginning of Ramadan may not coincide in different countries.

During the fast, everyone who has reached the prescribed age should pray daily, fast, abstain from food, refrain from intimacy, the use of intoxicants and other unworthy behavior from sunrise to sunset, and give alms. During this period, it is prescribed to make a pilgrimage to Mecca.

Baraat

Fasting during the month of Ramadan is meant to subdue the desires of the flesh and indulge in the desires of the soul. This time is considered the most favorable for spiritual achievements and religious insights. Because the gates of hell are locked and the heavenly ones are opened. During this period, there is one special night, which gives as many blessings as one cannot receive even in 1000 months.

Based on the instructions of the sacred texts, this night should be sought in the last 10 days of Ramadan among the odd nights. There is no more precise indication, so that those who seek the mercy of Allah do not lose vigilance. The sacred night of Baraat is the culmination of a person's spiritual exploits, the result of observing all the prescribed rules of conduct during fasting and throughout the year. Imams tirelessly urge not to forget about Allah for a minute, so as not to become like Christians, who remember God only on holidays.

Many couples mistakenly consider the passion that flares up between a man and a woman at the very beginning of a relationship as true love. However, as soon as the romance leaves and the first difficulties in the relationship begin, the lovers believe that the feelings have passed, the love has ended. In fact, true love cannot just end like that, which means that it simply did not exist.

Passion or candy-bouquet period

When a man and a woman just fall in love with each other, violent chemical reactions take place in their bodies. They see the world around them in bright rainbow colors. They look at their partner and notice in him only what they want to see in this magical period of falling in love. People are as if in a state of drug intoxication and cannot adequately assess the situation.

Satiation, sobering

The candy-bouquet period in a relationship is replaced by a moment of sobering up. The avalanche of emotions begins to gradually subside and the glasses through which the lovers used to look at each other are no longer so pink. A person begins to more soberly evaluate his partner and a period of reassessment of values begins. Now you start to trust each other more and behave more naturally.

Rejection, rejection

This stage is typical for almost all long-term relationships. In moments of rejection, quarrels begin between people. Now lovers, on the contrary, begin to focus their attention on each other's shortcomings. Mutual nit-picking and accusations often sometimes lead to parting, but if you gain strength and start working on relationships, then the next, calmer stage in love will inevitably come.

patience, understanding

The quarrels between the lovers continue, but they are no longer fatal. Quarrels end, and relations are restored again. Partners gradually learn to understand and accept each other with all the shortcomings. Understanding and worldly wisdom comes.

Respect and sense of duty

This is the final stage of the candy-bouquet period and the first stage of true love. It is from mutual respect that a real deep feeling is born. Selfishness. Inherent in people, fades into the background and lovers are already beginning to think like a couple. Now they often begin to think about their partner and try to make him happier.

close friendship

The lovers already communicate with each other like real close friends. They trust each other with innermost secrets and share pressing problems, trying to find their solution together.

Real love

Few people get such happiness in life - to experience true love in family life. Love cannot arise by chance and suddenly. It gradually grows over the years and goes through many difficult life tests.