Is it possible to tell bad things about ex-partners? Is truth necessary in relationships? Do I need to tell my husband everything?

The editors of The Village noticed that our readers are interested not only city ​​life, fashion, food and weekend plans. We often discuss complex ethical issues. We didn't ignore this: The Village now answers such questions with the help of experts in the fields of ethics, psychology and sociology. In the new issue we figure out whether it is possible to criticize former partners.

Vladimir Dashevsky

psychotherapist, candidate of psychological sciences

When two people break up, regardless of the reason, both partners experience a similar state that psychologists call “grief work.” At this moment, our psyche is trying to adapt to changed conditions and come to terms with the loss. For the psyche, the severity of the departure of a loved one is comparable to death. It takes time to adapt to changed conditions. U different people The “work of grief” takes from several months to several years, during which time a person goes through all stages of acceptance: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and so on. At all these stages, a person may have a desire to shift responsibility for what happened to his partner. That’s when all sorts of accusations appear: “Everything happened because of her, she cheated on me,” “She’s a slob, it’s impossible to deal with her.” living together", "He's stupid, there's nothing to talk about with him, we've long since run out of common topics“,” “He doesn’t make money,” etc. This is called rationalization, that is, our brain tries to explain what happened. This is a natural reaction, an attempt to remove responsibility from oneself.

To discuss a question value systems From an ethical standpoint it is very difficult. For example, in my value system This kind of behavior doesn't fit

As for ethics or lack thereof in this situation, key point in the issue under discussion is, paradoxically, the phenomenon of love. If there is love and two people relate to each other with this feeling, then in this case former partners do not exist. I know couples who treat each other very warmly almost immediately after a breakup, despite the number of nasty things said at the time of separation. If you love a person, he literally becomes a part of you: of course, I can criticize parts of my body, but at the deepest level I realize that this is a part of me that I accept and love. From this angle, this is not a question about ethics, but about the presence or absence of love. I truly love all of my former women no matter how they treat me. When a relationship ends, love continues, it just becomes different.

Discussing the issue of a value system from an ethical perspective is very difficult. For example, such behavior does not fit into my value system: I cannot afford to publicly evaluate my beloved women, this contradicts my personal ideas about good and evil, good and bad. Such criticism is a manifestation of incredibly low self-esteem and the highest egoism: it is difficult for a person to accept the fact that no one belongs to him, that he does not have power over another, that a former partner may feel, think and act differently than he would like. This is what most often causes criticism. This behavior indicates that the person is in trouble and needs support, help and even pity; this is evidence of a very difficult personal situation.

Olga Fleur

expert of the Noblesse Oblige school of etiquette

IN stressful situation You need to think about your reputation first. Emotions will cool down, your ex-partner will completely disappear from your life and your thoughts, but unflattering opinions and some bitter feelings will remain among those around you. So is it worth spoiling the future and existing relationships intemperate comments about the past? Traits such as tactfulness, politeness, and the ability to control one's emotions best demonstrate self-respect first and foremost.

Daria Gratsevich

screenwriter of the series "Betrayal"

Immediately after a breakup, few people can refrain from making negative comments about their ex-partner, especially if the breakup was painful. Personally, I don’t see anything wrong with discussing this topic with close friends, crying and thickening things a little. Negative emotions must find a way out; it’s hard to keep them inside. It is advisable, of course, in such cases to talk more about yourself, about your feelings, and not about your partner - for example, “I didn’t like that he...”, “I would like him to behave differently,” and not “ Here he is, such a brute.” However, such discussions must have a framework. They shouldn’t be long: if a person is obsessed with pouring water on his ex or ex-girlfriend at every corner, this is already a clinic. If negative emotions found their way out, the door must be closed behind them. You should only share such feelings with close friends who will not spread the fame of your ex-partner throughout the world.

illustration: Olya Volk

— Let's always tell each other only the truth!

- Certainly! How could it be otherwise - there will be only truth in our relations.

- Well, yes, because you are my soulmate and should know everything about me.

- Agree. No lies and secrets!

Isn't it a painfully familiar dialogue? Surely you have had similar conversations in your life. When you really think that a lie destroys a relationship, but the truth is its main component, without which you can’t go anywhere. And how painful it becomes because it was this very truth that served as a severance of once strong bonds. By the way, many problems in relationships arise due to the fact that women and men do not know how to talk to each other. I recommend this topic article “Psychology of communication, or “Talk the talk, don’t cook the cabbage soup”” on our website .

It’s clear that no one encourages you to lie, be disingenuous, or play with your partner. The point is that the truth may turn out to be destructive force, if not used correctly. Everything should be in moderation. This concerns feelings, love, emotions... Too much, and a person risks drowning in them, drowning. The same applies to truth. When it overflows, it becomes too much. A person exposes himself too much in front of another, becomes so open that that intrigue, that zest that you want to unravel throughout your life disappears. I also recommend that you study article “Was my mother right when she said that men do not need to tell the whole “truth”? Reply to a letter from a reader "on the website" Sunny hands» .

We are not angels, and in the past we have probably done things that we would like to forget. It is difficult for us to accept them, but, nevertheless, we pour out this vat of dirty water in the form of information on the opponent’s head. Well, they say, now I’m clean in front of you! But in reality you end up even dirtier in the eyes of your other half.

“So, should I lie now? Not telling your man? He’s my closest and dearest, which means he should know everything about me!” – many will probably say so.

No, don't lie. But! Even the truth must be measured, you need to know where, when and what kind of truth can be told, so that it is precisely because of it that you do not end up with nothing. Unclear? I'll try to explain with examples. It often happens that we think that if we tell the whole truth, we will be loved more. Like, that’s how honest we are, how we can trust! This is usually what insecure people do, who believe that there is nothing to love them for. If you are one of them too, I recommend that you purchase book by Rashid Kirranov “How to become confident in yourself in 3 months” . Details .

Once upon a time, my young man, whose work involved business trips, went on whole month. We talked on the phone regularly. It happened, though, not every day. Counting the days until his arrival, I asked during the next telephone conversation, is he bored? The answer not only did not make me happy, but put me in a stop: “You know, there’s so much to do that there’s no time to even be bored. Well, that's to tell the truth.". Looking ahead, I will say that when he returned a week later, it was really obvious that he missed him. Apparently, then either I was in a bad mood, or my head was full of an important project. But! My mood has been ruined for this whole damn week.

"Is it true! Why do I need her? Was it really impossible to say that yes, he missed me, he knew that I would not be delighted with what I heard. Oh, well, yes, we agreed not to lie to each other.", - thoughts burst me. And at the same time, anger at my young man. If you are worried now with your loved one, not best time, you often swear, and you know that the reason for this is your own behavior, read the article editor-in-chief of the website “Sunny Hands” Anastasia Gai “How to get rid of anger and aggression? Or my new family life. (Part 1)"

We know what our other halves like and what they don't. We know, and sometimes we behave like inquisitors, tormenting them with this notorious truth. In order not to upset a person, not to cause a quarrel or conflict, it is necessary to filter information. Well, imagine: you know some weakness of your loved one. He is nervous about the upcoming important task and says out loud that he will not succeed, that he is too weak for this task. To which you agree by saying, yes, dear, you are not up to par in this matter. Is it true! But if you say that he is the best, that only he is worthy of the award, it will be a lie. But she is the one who will bring positive effect. And don’t offend a person by giving him strength and confidence, and the relationship won’t be ruined. By the way, read also article “What is the most important thing for a man in life?” on the website "Sunny Hands" . It will help you better understand your chosen one.

But it also happens the other way around: a person does not immediately reveal the truth, but endures, accumulates information within himself, knowing that he can offend his beloved. It’s just that here you need to understand which truth is really worth hiding, and which truth can, or rather, needs to be taught so carefully and accurately that the person will not be offended, and you yourself will stop suffering from what really annoys you. Example: my friend Larisa can afford not to work and lead household. She especially likes to pamper her husband with various culinary delights. But how does she know that her husband hates canned sweet peas, which she loves to add to all sorts of dishes?! He didn't tell her about this. But he didn’t say it because he saw with what enthusiasm and zeal Larisa was trying to please him. Well, how can you answer negatively to the question: “Did you like it? Is it delicious?” when devotees look at you and loving eyes wives. So Edik endured it, endured it until, during some minor quarrel, he blurted out that he was sick of those peas, he hated them! Of course, polka dots had nothing to do with it, it just became an excuse to let off steam on his wife. Larisa drew her own conclusions: since he lied for so long about such seemingly nonsense, it means he is deceiving her in other ways. And in general, it turns out that their whole life is a complete farce and a lie! The couple reconciled, but the worm of mistrust still remained inside Larisa, and oh, how difficult it is to live with. And just... some peas! Off topic, but I'll draw your attention. We have on the website "Sunny Hands" a section has appeared « Delicious recipes» , where you can find meal options for the most different cases life - for a holiday, every day - and not only with peas! (joke). For example, salad recipes look .

Very often, thinking that we are protecting our loved ones from unnecessary information, we only make things worse. After all, you can carefully say, they say, this dress is very beautiful, but “this one” the color is coming you have much more. Instead of: I hate the color red, take it off, it makes you look old. Or: very tasty, only possible in next time Instead of “this” spice, add another one? I have been allergic to it since childhood. And don’t wait until the critical point comes and the person explodes like a projectile, spreading information all around. Knowing what and when to say is, of course, a matter of time. When you have already trained a person and know what is pleasant for him and what is not, what will upset him and what he will perceive adequately. In accordance with this, present the truth.

Sometimes you think that it is better to warn your opponent about some of your character traits. So to speak, lay out the whole truth about yourself at the beginning of the acquaintance, so that later he will not be deeply disappointed in you. Like, you warned me! But this doesn’t always work out well...

My friend Lena really has difficult character with frequently changing moods. But knowing a lot of her positive traits, you somehow don’t focus on the “kicks.” You look into the depths, not at the surface. However, after another breakup with a man, she decided to warn her next suitor in advance about her shortcomings. And harshly and categorically. Met a good one calm guy Matvey. He liked Lena’s cheerfulness, lightness, sociability and kindness. He noticed that along with these good qualities There is also a certain imbalance in her: the girl is now one, then another. But it was precisely for Matvey that such a temperament was suitable, he himself was stable and constant - he wanted some kind of contrast in life. But Lena stubbornly convinced him that she was not sugar, that Matvey would suffer with her. She herself planted the seed of suspicion and uncertainty in the soil of their relationship. The guy, no, no, began to think: maybe it’s not in vain that she says all this to herself? Maybe we really need to step up before it’s too late? And did. On the topic different temperaments I recommend on the website "Sunny Hands" .

We do not always treat ourselves objectively. Someone may think all their life that, for example, they have the worst nose in the world, but for others this nose will be the best. It happens that we put some character traits on display, thinking that they will attract attention, but in reality they only repel. Perhaps it’s better to be yourself, without trying to prove something to anyone? People will draw their own conclusions about what you are like. You should not impose an opinion about yourself, thereby digging your own grave. For some you are white, for others you are black, you can’t please everyone, and you don’t have to. The person who loves you will be able to see the best in you. And there is no need to set it up in the opposite direction, destroying your own happiness.

There is a truth that, like a heavy burden, poisons the life of the person himself. This is the truth about any unseemly actions that occurred, as a rule, out of youth, out of stupidity. Not every adult can accept this truth. Yes, the one who loves will accept you in any way, even dirty. And, perhaps, some facts of your biography should be covered by someone with whom you live and whom you trust. But there are moments when a person behaves like an egoist, dumping a stone from his soul onto another. This happened to Kirill, the husband of my friend. At one corporate party, where everyone drank heavily, he succumbed to temptation and...cheated on his wife. I cheated for the first time in my life, which I deeply regretted. He walked gloomier than a cloud, realizing that he had betrayed the woman who loved him. He suffered, scolded, reproached himself for his weakness. And, unable to bear the remorse of his conscience, he confessed everything to Karina. Has he felt better? Yes. The man got rid of a stone in his soul, passing it to his wife like a relay baton. This is the selfish truth. He saw that girl at the party first and last time, she is from another city and there could be no question of any continuation of the romance or revenge on her part. But Kirill chose to tell everything, because he could not bear this burden alone. It’s easier to divide it into two and transfer some of the problems to women's shoulders. Now Karina was tormented, as Kirill had been recently, how could this happen, why? Unfortunately, such stupid betrayals happen quite often. If you encounter similar situation, advice may help you cope with your worries from articles “How to survive betrayal? Forgive or let go? on the website "Sunny Hands" .

In such a situation, the person who made the mistake should, in theory, do everything to correct it. Telling the truth is the easiest thing, but not effective method solve the problem of. She stayed. By transferring our mistakes to another, we not only hurt our loved one, but also aggravate the situation, instead of directing all our strength to save the relationship and protect it from pain, disappointment and mistrust.

The truth about our former relationship... The most unnecessary of all truths. And not because there are a lot of, so to speak, skeletons in the closet, but because... why? Why talk in detail about the past when you have the present? Why savor the details about ex-boyfriends, girls, even if they ask you about it? By the way, many people think that talking about ex-love- it's quite normal. I recommend you read about this topic article “Should we talk about past relationships?” on the website "Sunny Hands" .

Yes, there was a relationship. Why did you break up? If their views on life didn’t coincide or if they didn’t agree on their personalities, that’s enough. But very often many people do big mistake, telling all the ins and outs about what happened: what he said, how he liked to dress, nuances romantic meetings and so on.

A normal man, who is by nature a predator and conqueror, will think that his woman is too easy prey, since she had so many novels. (On the topic of how to build relationships and get married successfully at Rashid Kirranov's there is an excellent book “How to make a man fall in love with you and get married successfully?” Book 3) Women, knowing almost everything about the “ex”, begin to gnaw inside a worm called suspiciousness. They begin to compare themselves and her. And it’s okay if the comparison is in your favor, but what if it’s not? Self-criticism has never benefited anyone.

I have a friend who asks her men as much as possible about his passions. Not only that, she even stores photos on her phone ex-wife her current boyfriend. “Katya, are you a masochist?” - I ask her. To which she replied that she should know what her rival looks like, even if she is a former one... A very strange desire, in my opinion. Thus, you yourself allow the ghosts of the past into your life. A string of exes seems to be watching you from above and poisoning your real relationship. Personally, I don't even care what the name was ex-girlfriend or my man's wife. And, believe me, the less you know, the better you sleep. It works! I don’t keep photos of ex-boyfriends either. I delete them from my phone, album and heart. Why do I need them? There are memories, there is experience, conclusions, and photos... Well, what adequate person next to you would be pleased to know that you sometimes look at photos of your exes.

Here it is - the truth. Sometimes so necessary, so necessary. But it is sometimes so destructive and prevents us from building harmonious relationships. Learning to share it, to know when and what to say, and what should be kept secret for the benefit of the other person, is life wisdom. Not telling does not mean deceiving. This means protecting a person from unnecessary information that will bring nothing but pain. The main thing is to understand consciously what is better not to say and in what dosage to present the truth. By hiding and not telling, we also destroy the union. Therefore, the truth is, of course, necessary, but in moderation and in the right proportions.

Sincerely, Mila Alexandrova.

Psychologists suggest answering the question: “Imagine that your whole life, from the beginning to this moment, was filmed on videotape. Do you agree to show it to your loved one?”

The answer depends on what we mean by frankness. , of course, it’s not necessary, especially if these facts can still come out sooner or later. Each of us has the right to have a personal space, closed even to the closest people. Why strip naked if you are not asked to do so and turn yourself inside out? Everyone has the right to have soul caches intended only for personal use. They can be opened in front of a doctor or priest.

There are people who are literally tempted to tell their loved one everything without concealment. Let's remember the famous American television series "Sex in big city" His heroine Kerry proved to her friends that there should be no secrets between close people. But after some time, a situation arose that showed that such declarations do not lead to any good. Kerry openly told her lover, Aidan, that she met her ex and they had sex, it happened by accident, unintentionally. She said she regrets what happened and asks for forgiveness. But Aidan couldn't forgive her. As he left, he said: “It would be better if I didn’t know this...”. It turned out that because of Kerry’s erroneously declared frankness.

However, some psychologists believe that you still need to tell the truth. They are convinced that the deception will be revealed anyway, so they advise telling their partner everything and leaving him the right to decide for himself what to do. To do this, they advise choosing the right time and be sure to assure your loved one that you love him. Then it will be easier for him to accept your confession.

But the psychologist Boris Novoderzhkin I don't agree with this. Before turning his soul inside out, he suggests think about what this information will bring to your partner. You should not burden your loved one with problems that he clearly cannot resolve. This will only make him feel helpless.

Almost all of us have skeletons stored in a closet or in the far corner of a dusty mezzanine - is it really worth clearing them out? Many people have made mistakes in life, mistakes of youth, etc. But why stir up something that is long gone?

True, there are some biographical details that need to be revealed. For example, a woman cannot have children, or she was once subjected to sexual violence and she still has a deep mental trauma, or one of the relatives had a criminal record, etc. This needs to be discussed in advance. There are people who, having learned a long-hidden negative information, will not be able to reconcile with her and accept her, as a result they will demand a divorce. Therefore, such facts cannot be hidden.

What should you do if your husband or wife has serious health problems? For example, a wife needs to undergo surgery on the female part - should she share this with her husband or is it better to come up with a different diagnosis? (By the way, many doctors do not recommend telling your spouse the truth).

It is clear that if we are talking about very serious problems with health, then jokes aside, we need to think together about how to solve the problem and put all our efforts into getting better.

There is one more delicate moment. Is it permissible to report to your partner about your property (real estate, deposits, savings, etc.)? At first glance, the question seems wild. But people who have had to know that sometimes ex-spouses ready to leave each other without a penny. Therefore, if you have significant assets, you should consult with a lawyer before telling your partner about them. The best insurance for this is marriage contract. By the way, it can be concluded on any day of the marriage.

So, how do you answer the question: tell your loved one all the ins and outs or not? To do this, ask yourself Is it important for you to pride yourself on being transparent and honest or is your goal to keep your family together? If for you the second one is more important, do not overload your loved one with unnecessary information. Psychologists advise, first of all, to clearly understand why you want to pour out your soul. Before you open to a loved one any information, think about why you are telling it to him and how it will affect him.

Loving, sincere, warm relations and the desire to turn your soul inside out are two different things. Before you say anything, make an informed decision and let love be your guide,

Humanity has become so social that people now trust their most intimate thoughts and dreams to casual acquaintances. We are no longer afraid to talk about our personal lives and feel free to share our plans. Sometimes we are driven by vanity, sometimes we just want to support friendly conversation. People themselves did not notice how all the prohibitions and taboos in conversations, which seemed utter savagery a hundred years ago, were lifted. It is now customary to expose everything to the public, down to the details. family scandals and quarrels. Before it's too late, we need to stop. The secret of personal life should be hidden from prying eyes. Here is a list of seven things that you shouldn’t tell anyone about.

Future plans

Knowledgeable wise people They never share far-reaching plans with those around them. Thus, they are afraid of scaring away luck. In addition, among the listeners there may be a person interested in the failure of your case. Knowing about your plans, it can easily take advantage of the weaknesses of your idea. Well, if we haven’t convinced you yet, let’s give you a final argument: by telling someone about your plans, you deprive yourself of the energy to carry out your plans.

Charity

Deductions to social funds- this is a noble cause. However, you should not advertise your charity publicly. Thus, a person behaves as if he is seeking approval from the public. Only those around you may mistake such talk for narcissism or pride.

Asceticism

Perhaps some changes have occurred in your life. You have embarked on the path of purification, spiritual insight and deliverance from various kinds dependencies. Is it really appropriate to talk about your moral regeneration? Let these emotions live inside you, do not make them public. And even more so, do not have the habit of lecturing other people and disparagingly pointing out their shortcomings.

Heroism

A person who talks about heroic deeds often exaggerates his own merits. He knows no other way to earn the trust of others. However, real heroism is silent. So, for example, a person who saved a child from a burning house would prefer to remain anonymous.

Life experience

Enlightenment, life experience and spiritual strength are more suitable for mentoring than for intimate conversations in a company. Therefore, you should only share your spirituality when other people ask you to.

Talking about family quarrels

Every conflict brought to the ears of others makes your marriage less strong. By talking about quarrels, you drive yourself into a dead end. You think that you cried to your friend and relieved your soul, but in fact you programmed your later life. Don't you have any positive topics to talk about? And the problem can be solved without washing dirty linen in public.

Bad stories

Know that “junk” words are akin to negativity. But stories can also be “garbage”. They only clog a person's consciousness. Don't tell your loved ones about the bad incident you witnessed. Remember that your family deserves the best.