If there is no warm relationship between sisters. Family and Relationships How to build relationships with your brother and sister

“I hate Natasha, she ruined my whole life!”, “Earring is my mother’s favorite, he is always the best, and I only reproaches and complaints.” It is difficult to imagine how many claims to each other the brothers and sisters have. Is it possible to fix something? Or is it easier to keep the interaction to a minimum?

It would seem that it could be easier - do not communicate, and that's it. Good times when you shared by two desk and candy, long gone. But when it comes to blood relatives, everything is somewhat more complicated. And it is difficult to completely break off a relationship for a number of reasons:

stereotypes and public opinion: “blood is not water”, “relatives should stay close” and other maxims are very tenacious, it is difficult to resist them; clan of relatives: if you live close to each other, you will have to meet at family celebrations. If far away - to solve the issue of caring for elderly parents; internal attitudes: far from everyone can let go of the situation. Haven't seen each other for 20 years, but each New Year remember that your sister on this holiday got more gifts? Relationships are not over.

And the question arises: how to be? Take five steps towards each other. Five steps that, if not, will turn you into loving relatives, then at least get rid of the negative when communicating. And the psychologist Tatyana Gorbacheva will help us with this.

“You have such a close relationship, it’s just amazing! Your son talks to you like a friend!” These enthusiastic words of a colleague puzzled Julia. “I told her that my son sent me an interesting lecture “for inspiration”. I was pleased that she reacted like that, I felt proud. But the word "girlfriend" caused a protest in me. I'm a mom, not a girlfriend! But at the same time, we are really friendly ... “Does distance bring you closer?” “I want us to be friends,” parents say all the time, especially, perhaps, mothers. Friendship with a grown child for many is a matter of pride, one of the indicators of successful parenthood.

In childhood, quarrels between siblings are by no means uncommon and are even the norm. But when conflicts continue into adulthood, it can become a serious problem. How to stop fighting? How to build a relationship with a brother or sister?

Many people who have brothers or sisters seek to communicate with them even after they reach adulthood. Therefore, one day even siblings, who have been very friendly all their lives, can quarrel. It is important to know how to improve relations with a sister or brother: this

Step one: grow up

Many sibling conflicts (children of the same parents) come from childhood. The reasons may be different. For example, wrong upbringing when parents clearly singled out one child, making him a favorite.

There is an opinion that sometimes dad or mom subconsciously cultivate rivalry and jealousy, working off their own injuries: “You see how hard it is to be the oldest! I was also scolded all the time for quarrels with my brother!”

Or the wrong arrangement of roles: for example, a mother forced her teenage daughter to sit with her baby, she believes that she was deprived of her childhood because of her brother. Or one child was often sick, and the parents forced the healthy one to constantly make concessions, sacrifice their interests.

But you've grown up. And you can build relationships without looking back at your own childhood. Look at your brother or sister from the perspective of an adult. It doesn't matter who ate someone else's ice cream 20 years ago. What is this person now? Why is it difficult for you to communicate?

I often meet people who are unsure whether they should continue their relationship with a partner. Recently, a friend shared: “Only when my beloved and I are together, I feel our connection. If he is not around, I don’t know if he needs our relationship and how exactly he spends his time. I try to talk to him about it, but it only angers him. He thinks I'm exaggerating and I need to be more confident." Another patient confesses: “We have been married for three years and I love my wife. But she does not allow me to be myself: to pursue my hobbies and spend time alone with friends. I constantly have to think about how my wife will react to this, whether it will upset her.

“I hate Natasha, she ruined my whole life!”, “Earring is my mother’s favorite, he is always the best, but I only reproaches and complaints.” It is difficult to imagine how many claims to each other the brothers and sisters have. Is it possible to fix something?

Should I build relationships with a brother or sister if they didn’t work out in the first place? But you've grown up. And you can build relationships without looking back at your own childhood. Look at your brother or sister from the perspective of an adult.

Step two: acknowledge the problem

Yes, your relationship is far from those that are found in movies and books about big friendly family. Yes, you are offended by a brother or sister for indifference or consumer relations. Or maybe you had a serious conflict, you can not forgive him? But after all, the second participant in the drama has his grievances. What is the brother dissatisfied with, what is the sister offended by? Are they ready to talk and get closer?

Step Three: Get Realistic

Native blood, of course, is important. But how close and interesting is the person with whom you had a common childhood?

If your views and interests are very different, it is unlikely that the relationship will turn into friendship. As for serious protracted conflicts and burning hatred, the sooner you deal with them, the better. After all, anger corrodes us from the inside and prevents us from living. And if you cannot change a bad brother or a selfish sister, you can try to change own attitude. Sometimes it's easier to do with a psychologist.

Nothing of value can be obtained without effort. The more we invest in relationships, the more successful they will be for us. Just five steps will help make them happy. © Getty Images 5 Steps to Better Relationships 1. Express GratitudeOne of the better ways strengthen relationships with a partner, relative or friend - do not hesitate to express your gratitude to this person. This is not about the usual polite "thank you" for something that was given to you or done for you. True gratitude is a deep appreciation for what this person present in your life.

How to get in touch with your sister. A sister is much more than a friend. The connection we make with her goes way beyond family relations. Just as children are not copies of their parents, siblings can be completely different.

There are many ways to improve your relationship with your siblings if you feel you are not close enough to them. The effort will pay off, I assure you. Below I will describe 7 tricks that will help you solve this problem.

Step four: be patient

We talked, repented and sobbed on each other's chest - this is often found in melodramas and rarely in reality. Get ready for unpleasant conversations, pulling skeletons out of closets, new conflicts. If you do not feel the strength for this or want to make peace "for show", it is better not to start. Do not take on too much: success also depends on the second participant in this relationship. Otherwise, it will turn out to be a one-sided game, in which new offenses cannot be avoided.

Step Five: Draw Borders

Having reconciled, you seem to start a relationship with clean slate. But so that everything does not return to normal, it is worth remembering how you ended up in such a dead end, and in the future try not to make such mistakes. Decide what you are ready to forgive your sister or brother, and what you consider unacceptable. State your views: this will save you from a new conflict better than hints and guesses.

How to get over a relationship breakup: 5 steps
Think about it, would you be who you are if you were always happy? Most likely, now you think that the question sounds mocking. It is unbearably hard for you, and you think that this pain will not leave you. Over time, when you overcome the feeling of loss, you realize that you were able to withstand emotionally, became more confident. And if other difficulties and losses appear on your way, you will be psychologically ready for them. STEP # 2 The end of a relationship is not your defeat after losing a relationship.

"In our ideas about family life a lot of fiction, says psychotherapist Jean Seifer, author of Cain's Legacy, about sibling relationships. - We are sure that "blood is thicker than water", that the family will be with you, even when others turn their backs on you ... Sometimes this is true, but not everyone is lucky. It's amazing how little people talk about it."

Relationship problems between siblings are usually attributed to personal animosity between family members or other similar reasons. Of course, these factors play a role, but the main reason is deeper: it has to do with childhood, with the way your parents treated you.

The relationship of parents with their brothers and sisters is undoubtedly reflected in the relationship between children in the family. When raising children, adults may subconsciously try to correct the problems of their own childhood.

“One of my cousins ​​is much younger than her sister, and my mother decided that Small child should not bother a teenager, says Seifer. - Therefore, at the door from the room eldest daughter a lock was inserted so that the youngest could not go inside without permission. The eldest was now picking up toys and locking herself in the room. How did it happen?

The girls' mother was the eldest child in the family, and her younger sister everything was allowed. And what did she do elder sister becoming an adult? She tried to retroactively fix her life. As a result, my cousins ​​don't talk to each other anymore."

Sibling relationships always start out as rivalries, with deeper kinship feelings coming later.

Fortunately, not all conflicts between siblings end so sadly. In order to understand why some people have broken off relations completely, while others live quietly together in the same room, it is necessary to realize that sibling relationships always begin as rivalries, and deeper kinship feelings come later.

“It all depends on how parents act: they can recognize the fact of rivalry and work with it, or, conversely, they can subtly encourage confrontation or deny there is a problem at all,” Seifer explains. “Parents are responsible for maintaining love and peace in the family, and if they do not do this, problems in the relationship between children are inevitable.”

You can try to solve these problems in adulthood. Here are seven suggestions from a therapist to help you do just that.

1. Be prepared for challenges

“Reconciliation is hard work,” Seifer says. Ask yourself: do you really want to change the relationship, or are you doing it just out of a sense of duty? you need enough good reasons to pass this hard way. “There are a lot of failed attempts, a lot of misunderstandings, and it can go on for years,” she warns.

Accept the fact that your brother or sister sees things from their own point of view. “If you were the favorite of the family and your sibling is still angry about it, admit that you got more than he or she did,” Seifer advises. Sometimes even a simple recognition of a fact can change something dramatically.

If you were not the favorite, think about why it happened. Is your brother or sister to blame for being loved more? Or did the parents play their part?

3. Don't look for excuses

"People invent different kind excuses for not doing what they fear,” Seifer says. Think maybe you're just afraid to take the first step? And do not be ashamed of this fear, it is quite natural, because the rejection of such an important person for you can be quite painful. If in the end you still manage to get close, that's great, if not, you won't lose anything.

4. Forget Facebook

Instead of trying to repair the relationship by occasionally commenting on Facebook photos, be bolder in your desires. "People will respond better if you just say, 'I want to fix this!' Sayfer says. Be more open and sincere!

5. You don't have to become best friends.

Face it: is it possible for you to become friends forever and ever, if for the whole last year did you only talk once? Try to turn your mutual dislike into a neutral relationship first.

6. Don't Lose Hope

Your attempt at reconciliation may seem doomed from the start, but change is possible. "I think this is one of the most important life tasks– to turn to the past and change something,” notes Seifer. Some people are already in their 50s when their life circumstances change (for example, parents may become ill) and suddenly relationships between brothers and sisters improve. "Sometimes crisis situations change lives for the better,” Seifer says.

7. If it doesn't work, just accept it.

Life brings people together, but it can also separate them. “My husband and his brother took care of their elderly father together, but this communication completely killed the hope of rebuilding the relationship,” Seifer says. In her opinion, some relationships are so damaged that they simply cannot be restored. The only thing you can do is try to understand the brother or sister and transform the feeling of hatred into something less destructive.

What are your relationships?

Even those brothers and sisters who communicate freely can feel like strangers to each other. Where are you on the Gene Safer scale?

Crack in the armor
Of course, you had problems, but something brought you together: common growing up or the death of one of the parents. There is more and more warmth between you, and you can well imagine a future where you enjoy each other's company.

Through an intermediary
You would like to get closer, but are afraid to touch on the topic of your complex relationships. You can reach each other through an intermediary, usually a child. If your child spends time with your sister's child, common topic to chat will help you start chatting again.

cold courtesy
Do you occasionally talk on the phone or text e-mail, but you are not entirely comfortable in each other's company, and your relationship clearly lacks warmth. Even if you would like to have a closer relationship, none of you makes any attempt to create one. Are you hindered by pride? Or are you afraid of being rejected?

Depicting relationships
The most common type of alienation is when you send birthday cards to each other, but don't know what to say in person. You know almost nothing about each other's life and are not very eager to learn something.

Weddings and funerals
You only meet at family reunions or funerals and try not to be alone. During these meetings, you best case strained relations, at worst - hostile.

Absolutely alien
You have permanently erased your brothers and/or sisters from your memory. You don't want to date them, and if you're warned they'll be on family celebration you don't go there on purpose.

I am lucky that I have a sister. She is the most important person in my life. We, unlike many other sisters, have developed strong ideal relationship as if we were born twins. Mentally we are connected like Gita and Zita.

The beginning of our relationship

We were friendly since childhood, but in our life we ​​were different periods. Sometimes the age difference (5 years) became more noticeable and affected our relationship, for example, in transition period when she was 14, I was 9.

But my sister turned out to be very wise in her approach to my upbringing. She always treated me like an equal. We were girlfriends. Although, I think she was not always interested in me. In our video archive there are interesting records of our childhood. It's funny to look and remember that I was once almost up to her waist. We did not notice this and always communicated on an equal footing. There was no discrimination.

Wise Approach

During the transitional period of her life, we drifted apart. She had a best friend who replaced me. I have my own company. She was the right girl, I - untied. I started to smoke. She found out about it, threw tantrums at me, we clashed, I did not obey anyone.

And she changed tactics. She accepted me for who I am. We got close again and became best friends for each other. By this time, we no longer differed so much in appearance, we looked like the same age. They began to walk together, go to cafes, nightclubs. Met and dated guys. It was she who taught me how to communicate with men.

Life is a holiday

We enjoyed life, and there was always a holiday around us. Friends were drawn to us. I remember how we laughed at any of our failures. If something unpleasant happened to me, I immediately imagined how I would come home, tell my sister about it, and together we would laugh at it for a long time.

The beginning of change

Then men appeared in our lives, and we began to live separately. This did not interfere with our communication. But we didn't live long. After some time, I broke up with my boyfriend, and a little later she.

After that, we began to live together, separately from our parents. It was fun. We got an apartment, a car, we were independent and independent. Sometimes I miss this time.

Pregnancy

Later there were new standing men. Again, almost at the same time. After some time, I unexpectedly became pregnant, although they had started planning a baby even earlier, but it didn’t work out. My sister was a little upset that I was ahead of her in this matter.

I got married and moved in with my husband. They went to live in Moscow. After 1.5 months she became pregnant too. It was a great joy for us. It is a pity that in these beautiful moments, we were far from each other. She flew to Omsk a couple of times during her pregnancy. We walked with bellies together, fought toxicosis together.

Feminine kingdom

Then our babies appeared. Both have girls. As soon as my girl grows up, my husband and I will also move to Moscow, closer to my sister, we have been planning the move for a long time.

I don’t know if it all happened on purpose or by accident, but my sister and I are very close mentally and spiritually. Many events in our lives happened at the same time. Maybe, of course, because we were always together and, perhaps, somewhere adjusted to each other.

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My main problem is my sister, who is 8 years younger than me. Mom was worried about me, if something was wrong with my health. I was brought up in strictness. Often my parents lashed out at me. Even for nothing. After that, my mother did not talk to me for a long time. For me, these days were very terrible. I felt pathetic. She didn't treat her sister like that. The sister could afford liberties in relation to her mother, she can say that she does not want to see her mother, sometimes she asks not to contact her at all (my mother says that I live better without you).
I loved my mother and sister very much. She looked after her sister when she was little. I helped her learn, helped her to enter, later got her a job. She is bright in her own right and has gone further up the career ladder.
I also got to work. Later she met her beloved, got married and went to live separately. We continued to help each other as a family. They give me physically, and sometimes I give them physically and financially as much as I can. But since I got married, my life on my sister's side has been hell. I am reminded of everything they did for me. I hear very terrible reproaches that my mother gave up her health, because she helped to look after the kids. But they don’t mention that at the same time I took over all her affairs, including looking after her health, supplying them with everything necessary to the best of my ability. God forbid if I start listing my merits in front of them - in this case I become an unscrupulous creature who remembered something to them. With the tacit permission of her mother, my sister speaks very badly to my face, not embarrassed in expressions. And then, when a little time passes, my sister turns to me with some requests, my mother begins to rejoice, and I fulfill her requests more than she asks, but she probably, due to her character, finds something negative in my words and actions and is very bad quarrels with me, in parallel laying on me all the blame for the quarrel. Mom tries to justify her all the time. My sister gets so impudent that she calls my husband and slanders me. I perfectly understand that if my mother wants, she will stop this lawlessness. But she is strongly influenced by my sister. My sister can easily convince her that I am hatching terrible plans of revenge against them, based absolutely only on my chaotic thoughts. At the same time, the sister begins to cry, curse, her face changes unrecognizably. Interestingly, I'm not the only one she says negative things about. She very easily manages to convince her mother that everyone is jealous of her (for example, colleagues, neighbors), they only think how to harm her. She is always ready to swear and fight, because she is sure that she has seen through everyone and everyone is afraid of her. She does not hide excessive pride. I can't understand what our mother thinks about it now. After all, if you think logically, no one will go to that person whom he does not trust, about whom he has so many suspicions in his head (I'm talking about my sister's attitude towards me). If the sister begins to talk about the fact that someone made her angry, then the mother begins to get nervous instead of her, she herself is already ready to go and figure it out on the spot. Behind her is her mother, who worries about her all the time, for her nervousness, etc. It is very hard for me that my mother allows me to be insulted so easily. Gave her those rights. After all, I can’t renounce Mom, but such humiliating roles don’t suit me either. I know that the answers to my questions are not so simple, but perhaps you will advise something. Thank you in advance.

A bad relationship with a sister can start at any age. Constant squabbles, quarrels, resentments, growing hostility over and over again explode in the heart with pain. But you really wanted something else: in the face of your sister to have good friend with whom you can consult, relax, joke. Is it possible to fix everything and still build a relationship with your sister? Or at least how to stop hating her? Looking for answers to these questions with systems-vector psychology Yuri Burlan.

● Why is the sister so bad? Why is she doing everything against me?
● Why can't I build a good relationship with my sister no matter how hard I try?
● Why can't I stop hating my sister?
● What if I hate my sister? What are the right actions?

The relationship between children in the same family is not always formed in a positive way. Children are competitors in life, they fight for everything in the world: for their mother, for a toy, for food. To a lesser extent, this competition is reflected in children of different sexes and with a large age gap (although it cannot be said that it is completely absent).

A small child is a bunch of desires, such an egocentric. Another child in the family is just a hindrance to access to the realization of his desires. Squabbles, resentment, hostility - this is normal phenomena, which is always, in any family. Another thing is that sometimes it happens that children's, and then adult discord between sisters has the potential to turn into a long negative trail.

Sisters are opposites

A common life scenario of conflict between sisters can occur when one sister has an anal vector, and the other has a cutaneous-visual bundle of vectors. These girls have absolutely different behavior, different desires, even different body movements. It seems that they cannot be sisters, but they are.

The anal girl is obedient since childhood, her connection with her mother is limitless, she wants to be a good daughter. She is an excellent student (often an excellent student at school), always cleans the room, helps her mother around the house, and never leaves the house in crumpled things.

The skin-visual girl is different - from early childhood she begins to flirt with boys. And with everyone, indiscriminately. Even with the boy that my sister likes. She does not strive for cleanliness, and if her mother says something, she is in no hurry to comply.

Already in the early childhood As soon as such children begin to show their desires, their opposite is visible: the anal sister is slightly offended, the skin sister is angry. But if anger quickly passes, then resentment gets stuck for many years. If in childhood the reasons for quarrels are primitive - own desires everything changes in youth. Often the anal sister cannot stand the skin one, not even because of herself, but because of her behavior with her mother - without respect, without reverence. It seems to her through herself that the way the skin-visual sister acts with her mother is impossible even to imagine.

The birth of their own children also becomes a cause for resentment. The anal mother and the skin mother cannot be the same, but we always judge the other through ourselves. Read real story from the life of a 30-year-old resentment of one sister against another, which was overcome in the article "History of one resentment".

There can be many reasons for bad relationships with sisters.

Children in the same family almost always have different vectors. And desires in vectors are not repeated, which means that with sisters we are often doomed to misunderstanding, up to hatred. Children are not yet limited by culture, shame, or law. Therefore, when the child does not have access to what he wants, aggression occurs. Conflicts between sisters are very different and directly depend on their vectors. Often they are quite superficial, but they can still leave deep, unconscious wounds.

For example, visual girls are very emotional. They can laugh here and cry here. If such a girl has a sound sister, problems may begin. The sound box is closed and closed, no emotions out. She needs peace and quiet, and the noise of her sister, her constant chirping on the phone, bright clothes, the propensity to party irritates, causes dislike and sometimes even hatred.

The oral sister is almost always a problem for the visual, and even more so for the sound. Jokes on obscene topics, obscene language, a loud cry, constant attention to oneself: the visual sister can get shyness from oral, the sound one - closes in her own world.

The topic of beauty between sisters is also important: especially if parents pick up this topic, comparing them with each other. "Our Valya has such Beautiful legs"- mom will say, buying a skirt for her sister, and the second one already understands that the comparison is not in her favor. After all, such phrases are inevitable: everyone will do them - if not parents, then classmates, relatives, neighbors. In such a situation, one child is easy to deprive him of support under his feet, which means to cause in him rejection from his sister, hatred for her, as an object of envy.

There are many stories, they can be listed and listed, but they have one essence. No matter how much you want to change your sister for another person, this is impossible. All you can do is change your perspective on her behavior.

How to build a relationship with your sister? How to stop hating her?

Of course, if parents taught their children to understand the differences between people already in early childhood, a lot of problems would simply not arise. Great importance has and cultural education children, instilling in them moral categories. Then they add up more or less a good relationship without hatred or enmity.

But under conditions modern world this rarely happens. We do not know ourselves, what to say about others. It's not about what was said or done, but about living happily. With hatred for his sister, this is unlikely to work out. Hatred is always a feeling that destroys life, makes it heavier. Therefore it is necessary to get rid of hatred. And this is possible!