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How to deal with the attitude of the mother-in-law and husband. I'm annoyed by my mother-in-law's attitude towards my husband.

Marriage is not only about the relationship between a man and a woman, but also about their relationship with their children. This is also the relationship with each other's parents. Relationships between wife and mother-in-law, husband and mother-in-law. And the quality of these relationships is of great importance for the happiness of the family. The problem is especially acute if the family lives with the husband’s parents, in the mother-in-law’s apartment. In this case, it is often simply about the survival of the family. But even if the family lives separately from the parents, you still need to pay great attention to relationships with them, establish them, this will contribute to the strength and well-being of your family.

See your mother-in-law's pain and fear

There is a common idea, especially among young people, that my spouse (husband or wife) is this particular person, outlined by the biological contours of his body. This is a sad mistake. When we get married, we connect not only with this person, but with a large complex of people and relationships that surround him...
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Mother-in-law and daughter-in-law: 7 myths

The daughter-in-law is not obliged to obey her mother-in-law; she is an adult and a free person. A mother-in-law who tries to bend her daughter-in-law to herself risks ruining her relationship with her son’s family and not seeing her grandchildren. The mother-in-law also thinks that since she “acquired a daughter” in her daughter-in-law, she has the right to tell her what to do. But adult children are not obliged to obey the orders of their parents, especially not their own.
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Need to reconcile with parents

If a couple has a harmoniously built relationship with the parents of both spouses, this really greatly ensures the well-being of the relationship within the couple. Today, future spouses pay little attention to what kind of family their life partner has. All traditional chains, traditional relationships in the family, all the logic of building premarital relationships have been forgotten.
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Relationships with the parents of the husband or wife

When living with parents, in general, two situations are possible: young spouses live either with the husband's parents or with the wife's parents. Let's go first to the husband's house, because there we meet the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, and this is always more interesting. Indeed, this relationship is very complex. Even if it is the most beloved mother-in-law, some kind of friction arises all the time...
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Responsibility is the basis for love in the family

It is necessary initially, when people are already starting some kind of relationship (it doesn’t matter whether it’s a family relationship, whether it’s a relationship with parents or among themselves, or friendly, or any other) to take care of these relationships, because everyone understands that if a cup is broken or, if it even cracks, it can be glued together later, but it will no longer be whole. It will no longer be so stable: it will fall out here, then the crack will appear again, you need to seal it again. Those. We need to maintain this relationship from the beginning...
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Conflict with father-in-law

There comes a moment in every person's life when he realizes that he is not perfect. Some people understand earlier, some later. I learned that I was a bad wife after 11 years of marriage from my father-in-law. It should be noted that my husband’s family was very different from my parents’ family. Looking at my husband’s parents and their relationship, I often thought why these people still live together. The intolerance towards each other was simply unbearable...
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Parental Immaturity (Part 1)

I would like to reflect on the emotional maturity of women who focus, often excessively (I do not hesitate to use this word), on their own children. It is difficult to clearly establish whether love pushes a woman to do this or selfishness, intoxication with her feelings. Unfortunately, many women do not have emotional maturity, they do not have such wise, foresighted love. They focus not only on their feelings, but also on short-term sensations, which are for them the only explanation for their behavior.
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Parental Immaturity (Part 2)

For a man, women are an important element in building self-esteem. They are like a mirror for him in which he examines his masculinity. And the greatest success, and at the same time an element that increases a man’s dignity, is a woman’s admiration for his position, actions, achievements, in a word - his masculinity.
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Parental Immaturity (Part 3)

The desperate son-in-law threw a wardrobe over the balcony from a high floor only because his mother-in-law bought it, and he did not want to let her furnish his apartment. In no way do I want to condone such behavior. I just want to show that the intervention of parents - even with the best intentions - in arranging the lives of newlyweds can cause all sorts of negative emotions, especially in a young man who wanted to be the master of the house.
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Parental interference in the lives of newlyweds

Living with your wife's or husband's parents is always a serious challenge for a young family. Coercion of newlyweds (even in a good way) is an unacceptable interference in their life, in the life of the family, which should be based on independence, self-government and responsibility for one’s own destiny. Coercion is an unacceptable method because, firstly, it is usually ineffective, and secondly, it often causes severe tension in the relationship between the newlyweds and parents...
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Living in parents' apartment

Living in a shared apartment with parents is extremely dangerous for young spouses, as it gives rise to the temptation to strive for convenience and “ride” their parents. Without a doubt, this leads to the degradation of the personality of young people who should become mature people. At least to become a great example for your children. It's so easy to let mommy help, since she wants it herself.
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The son has long become independent, and his mother is still trying to look after him, calling him, giving advice - alas, the situation is so common that millions of women begin to think about how they can get their mother-in-law away from their husband, so that this woman will finally stop interfering in their lives . Today, a professional psychologist gives advice to women on this topic.

How to get your mother-in-law away from your husband and reduce her influence

“I’m married, no children. My problem is my relationship with my mother-in-law. The fact is that I am very independent, I achieved everything in life myself, I made all life decisions without the participation of my parents - that’s how I was raised.

The husband was raised differently, all decisions in his family are made by his mother, and both he and his older sister are accustomed to “locking up” problems with their mother, who, with tenacity and fighting spirit, rushes into battle and smashes any obstacles in her path, solving any problems with one blow.

And now, when I have my own family, I seem to live independently, separately from my parents and his, I am forced to think about how to get my mother-in-law away from my husband. Out of habit, the husband takes everything “for judgment” to his mother, who, also out of habit, decides with a powerful combat attack.

And all my logical arguments about solving the problem are shattered by her impenetrable “armor” of words: “What are you telling me here, I’ve done this all my life and I’m not going to do it differently.” The relationship with my mother-in-law became unbearable.

The worst thing is that my habit of living independently now interferes with family relationships with my husband. For him, his mother was and remains an indisputable authority, and he motivates everything simply: “She won’t wish me harm - she’s a mother after all!” (some kind of personality cult!)

An attempt to discourage the mother-in-law from her husband and explain to her husband that she sees his current life rather one-sidedly, that she cannot take into account all the nuances, since after all, this is our family life, not hers, that she can make mistakes and draw the wrong conclusions, no which didn’t lead to. He either consults with her and his decision is completely her decision, or he refuses to do anything at all, relying on me. The result is conflicts. Dina Vitkovskaya."

Psychologist Elena Poryvaeva answers how to get your mother-in-law away from her husband:

Alas, this cannot be explained to my mother-in-law. Because she basically won’t want to and won’t be able to understand this. In her understanding, her son will always be a little boy who needs his mother's care and mother's advice.

Perhaps you married a big child so you could remain independent. Because due to our double morality, we often have two extremes: either a macho man who communicates with his wife according to the principle “shut your mouth, woman, when horsemen are talking,” or a man-child who wants to see his wife as a mommy and only for that reason initially ready to listen to her. Of course, there is a “golden mean”, but it must be sought and even created somewhere. And you may have unconsciously preferred one of the extremes.

But now it should be noted that it will be difficult to discourage the mother-in-law from her husband and it is useless to expect such a husband to express his opinion. He simply doesn’t have his own opinion - only his mother’s! In addition, he is completely uncritical of the behavior of his own parent (this condition usually occurs in children from about one to three years old, but in other individuals, as you can see, it sometimes remains for the rest of their lives).

You write that you are trying to teach him. First of all, sorry, it's late. And secondly, as soon as you start teaching and raising him, you immediately cause a natural hostile reaction from your mother-in-law, because you become her rival and competitor - after all, only a mother can raise this child. And you are thus encroaching on her place!

You ask: “How to get a mother-in-law away from her husband and who makes decisions in the family - us or her.” But, excuse me, there is no “we” in your family yet - there is you, your husband and his mother, and your question essentially sounds different - who makes the decisions, you personally or her? That is, you are actually asking your spouse to make a choice between you and your mother. The situation is very dangerous. If only because an infantile boy, being backed up to the wall, will choose his mother only out of a sense of self-defense...

The first option: grab your husband under the arm like a little boy and drag him away from his mother, beyond her reach. That is, in fact, replace the wife’s mother.

The second is divorce.

The third is to become your mother-in-law’s daughter, indulge her in everything and obey her. Then she will stop being afraid of you and begin to love you, but in her own way, just like her son, without giving you any independence.

And the fourth - you mentioned it yourself: learn diplomacy. Don’t shout, excuse me, into trouble, but subtly manipulate the situation.

How to get your mother-in-law away from her future husband

“I’m 28 years old, my boyfriend is a year and a half younger than me, but that’s not the point. We've been together for a year now. We lived in different cities, and I often stayed with him. As a result, my relationship with his mother did not work out, and, despite his crazy love for me, our relationship changed.

I know he loves me and the fact that he respects his mother is important to me, but I constantly feel her influence on our relationship. If earlier she suggested that he leave with me and rent an apartment, now that I live alone, she is offended that he is almost never at home. His mother is a manipulator, I don’t know how to get my mother-in-law away from her future husband and what to do... Alexandra Galuza.”

Psychologist Elena Poryvaeva answers how to get your mother-in-law away from her future husband:

Alexandra, I’m afraid that in this situation your role is that of a passive observer. Interfering in the relationship between your man and his mother is a thankless task. He is almost 27 years old, he is not married and he has a very affectionate relationship with his mother - this already says a lot.

At the very least, I would have a suspicion that this is not the first time that a mother has interfered in her son’s personal life, since most guys at this age are more likely to be “no longer married” than “not yet married.” Not everything, of course, but...

In general, based on the totality of the “symptoms,” it will be difficult to push the mother-in-law away from her husband, because his mother is a manipulator, an owner, who is burdened by the very thought that her “boy” might love someone more than her. Hence your problems with her.

By definition, she will not be able to treat you well, since for her you are a rival who wants to “steal” her “man” from her. The situation is very similar to the love triangle “wife - husband - mistress”.

But “a wife is not a wall,” and in general, in one man’s life there can be many wives, but there can be only one mother. Actually, it is precisely this logic that such mothers operate with. It is curious that they themselves are very afraid of growing old, they do not want grandchildren who will “make them grandmothers,” and the grandchildren who are nevertheless born are treated either coolly or as the children of their son, and not the children of their son and daughter-in-law.

In short, the most you can do is not to discourage your mother-in-law from her husband, but to talk to your man, explaining to him your concerns. Calmly (but sadly) tell him everything you feel: that you don’t want to come between him and his mother, but you also don’t want his mother to come between you.

Ask him how he sees your future together. In this situation, this question is quite appropriate. And what happens next depends only on your man, on how much he loves you and wants to be with you. And, of course, it depends on how psychologically mature he is. If he is a “mama’s boy,” run away from him before it’s too late.

I remember one “train conversation”: a neighbor in the compartment complained about her mother-in-law, who almost every day, under various pretexts, dragged her son over after work. Either her shelf fell, or she twisted her ankle, or she needed to buy some medicine that wasn’t sold in her pharmacy, or something else.

And so almost every day. The woman no longer knew how to get her mother-in-law away from her husband. After work, the husband went straight to “mom”, and appeared at home either very late (mom also fed dinner), or even stayed overnight with her. The situation did not change even after the birth of the child. The husband was still a “son” and remained so.

And all the conversations on the topic “you have your own family; Mom is manipulating you” ended in scandals and the words “Mom always told me that you don’t like her.” I hope you don't find yourself in a similar situation! Good luck to you!

Young women often have to convince themselves that their husband’s mother creates an unfavorable environment in the family. A family psychologist often has to listen to young women with little marriage experience or newlyweds who are sure that “the mother-in-law is turning her husband against me.”

The advice of a psychologist should not be general and vague recommendations, because in each specific situation there are certain nuances, and both sides of the conflict can often escalate tension.

The existing relationship in which the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law are friends is, in fact, so atypical that it is not worth mentioning in this case. The daughter-in-law and mother-in-law in a family conflict are two warring parties between whom peace rarely exists.

The best option is armed neutrality. The bone of contention becomes a man who is unable to make the alternative choice offered to him: “either I or your mother,” “either I or this adventuress.”

He needs both a wife and a mother, and a mature man tries to achieve consensus without pitting his beloved women against each other. An emotionally immature “mama’s boy”, who is in adulthood under the heel of an overbearing mother, will prefer the one who gave birth to him. But if the palm is given to the wife, to the detriment of the husband’s feelings for his mother, one should not delude himself either: this is a henpecked man of a different emotional type, striving to break free from under one dominant and immediately resorting to another.

This is an even more problematic option, because after a while he will calmly leave his wife if he meets another attachment, emotional or physical.

A person who grew up in a normal family always has the need to create his own. It is not surprising that he does not want to lose the family in which he grew up, so it is difficult to expect that a mature man will take the side of one of his women and unconditionally refuse the second.

The paradox that invariably arises when a mother-in-law turns her son against a woman who is completely stranger to her is easy to understand if you understand a few general points:

she does not feel warm feelings towards her daughter-in-law, who suddenly appeared in her life, because she is not connected to her either emotionally or physically;
no merits of the future wife of his beloved son will force him to change his attitude towards her, and it is better not to trump them;
the younger and more beautiful the son’s chosen one is, the stronger the dislike for her by a woman who is on the threshold of menopause, figuratively speaking, on the threshold of old age;
the more the son loves his daughter-in-law, the more the mother’s jealousy flares up, because before her child belonged only to her;
if a woman experienced the same hostile attitude from her husband’s mother at the beginning of her marriage, she is convinced that she must somehow recoup the moral suffering she suffered in her youth;
in a rich family, the mother-in-law is always confident in the mercantile motives of her future relative, in a poor family, she experiences hatred and envy towards her because of her own poverty or disadvantage;
if you stand on the same level with her and start a war or compromise and surrender unconditionally in order to save your beloved husband, after 20 years, having your own son, you can turn into the same hated person for his beloved wife.

The husband's mother interferes in the family life of her son because she loves her child and hates the woman who, in her opinion, unjustifiably took him away and undeservedly got him.

She is not obliged to love her rival, who has taken a place in the heart of her boy, which previously belonged only to her.

Internet meme: A son and his wife through the eyes of his mother-in-law(photo from left). Even if she is an intelligent, tactful, well-mannered and delicate woman, she cannot do anything about nature. Maternal jealousy directed against the daughter-in-law leads to this. that she is at war with her rival, complains to her son about her in order to win her back to her side, and naturally experiences hostility.

The problem is that a mother-in-law who is smart, tactful, sensitive and well-mannered is extremely rare. If you come across one, you need to protect and cherish it. She hides her hostility with all her might, is ashamed of the feelings she experiences and understands their natural nature.

Therefore, she is friends with her son’s chosen one or maintains strong neutrality.

The rest, who do not have the undeniable advantages of an ideal mother-in-law, are divided into 3 conventional types:

an unfriendly aggressor, waging open war and destroying marriages, using any methods, including unscrupulous and openly hostile;
a benevolent monster of a pleasant appearance and charming manners, demonstrating his merits in every possible way and belittling the valuable qualities of his son’s chosen one, supposedly with the best intentions;
an insidious imitator of neutrality, trying to quarrel between his son and daughter-in-law gradually, acting with ostentatious non-interference, which in fact has an even more destructive effect, being on a hidden level.

Oddly enough, in any case, a family relations specialist has to give similar advice, because there are only two ways that can solve the problem.

The first, from the point of view of a psychologist, is only the spheres of influence on the husband, and the determination of the acceptable boundaries of interference in the affairs of a young family on the part of the parents. The second is to establish a good relationship with your mother-in-law, or at least the appearance of one.

What to do if your mother-in-law ruins your relationship with your husband

The basic strategy in normal family relationships works approximately the same, and contains several points that must be adhered to.

An open war with dragging a common man to either side will not work, because the mother is always alone, and the son has a long history of joint relationships with her.

Therefore, you should delimit spheres of influence, and if the husband does not want to deal with this problem, do it yourself. Talk to your mother-in-law and clearly explain to her the extent to which she is allowed to interfere in your new family.

There is no need to mention that this rule should work on mutual terms, and the wife’s parents should be given the same boundaries.

The rule is that my mother is smart, but yours needs to be discouraged, you need to forget. If conditions of non-interference are imposed on one side, then the second should also be defined within equivalent boundaries.

Talk to your husband and try to explain your feelings to him so that he understands what we are talking about, but do not dump negativity on him. Just talk clearly about your experiences, without trying to denigrate or humiliate his mother. Any type of mother-in-law cannot be weaned off at once and instantly.

You will have to repeatedly defend your right through negotiations and reminders. But this should be done calmly, firmly and correctly, under no circumstances showing the emotions being experienced. This will not bring much benefit, but it will give the mother-in-law pleasure and give a reason to demonstrate ill health, which is often used to cleverly manipulate sons. The main thing is not pressure and not establishing an alternative - me or her.

Constructive dialogue with your husband and parents on both sides will bring much more benefit.

How to establish a good relationship with your mother-in-law

You need to try to do this, and preferably in such a way that your husband understands and feels it. After politely and firmly delineating acceptable spheres of influence, this will require a lot of effort.

Show your respect for her opinion and ask for advice on various occasions. Praise her son and talk about his merits.

Under no circumstances should you speak negatively about your mother-in-law in front of her son or about your son in front of his mother, even if there are specific reasons for dissatisfaction. It's no use because she will always be on his side. Do not give reasons for complaints and run the household in such a way that there is nothing to complain about (although there will still be a reason).

Don't turn the children against her, because sooner or later they will spill the beans.

In this video, the psychologist will give you some useful tips on how to improve your relationship with your mother-in-law:

Finding a common language with your mother-in-law is very difficult, especially if you have to live with her. If it doesn’t work out at all, then at least maintain the appearance of good neighborly relations, clearly stipulating all the points that may constitute the causes of conflicts, and develop tactics of behavior depending on the type of mother-in-law, which you will have to determine for yourself. What do you think about this?

by Notes of the Wild Mistress

Focusing on the complexity in the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, we often forget that there are also men in the family, and, first of all, the husband and son. Often, quarrels and discord between two beloved and dear women poison his life so much that he is ready to do anything just to end this senseless feud.

Here's a letter we recently received from the editor. This is written by a man who wishes not to give his name. This does not matter much, since his problem is probably well known to many men who are forced to live with their wife and mother in the same apartment.

“I recently got married, and for a number of reasons we live together with my mother. My father died seven years ago. Mom didn’t seem to mind my marriage and accepted my wife normally, but now she is constantly dissatisfied with her: whatever she doesn’t do, everything is wrong. Even if the wife does everything according to her mother’s instructions and in the way recommended by her.

It is clear that the wife is crying, offended, and complaining. And my mother, for her part, constantly complains to me about my wife. They started to really stress me out with their quarrels, because I don’t know which side to take. And when I told them to figure it out themselves and not bother me about it, they were both offended. What do i do?"

The question asked at the end of the letter is, of course, serious. But here’s what I think... Resolving a dispute between a wife and mother from a logical point of view is unrealistic, because, most likely, all these quarrels are implicated in emotions alone, which a man needs to understand if he wants to at least understand what is happening around him . So you need to understand these very emotions.

How a mother-in-law perceives her daughter-in-law - tons of literature has been written. There's nothing you can do about it: the son is his own, and she, the daughter-in-law, is a stranger, an outsider. It is likely that the daughter-in-law does nothing to provoke such an attitude from her mother-in-law, but it arises from a subconscious feeling and is implicated in jealousy.

The fact that the mother always turns to her son, tries to force him to be an arbitrator, speaks of her desire to show him that he has chosen a bad wife, an incompetent or a lazy woman - there will always be a reason. Even if the daughter-in-law tries her best, it is unlikely that with such an attitude from her mother-in-law, she will be able to please or establish a good relationship.

There is one more point that cannot be ignored. Initially, the mother in the house was the sole mistress who solved all the problems. And now a young housewife appears in the same apartment, in the same kitchen. What remains for the mother-in-law: to give up her place as the mistress of the house and recognize the dominance of the daughter-in-law or, on the contrary, constantly point out to her her subordinate position and emphasize who is in charge in the house.

It is certainly difficult for a man to find himself between two fires. What can you do here? If a young family demonstratively avoids all everyday issues, recognizing the mother-in-law’s right to do housework, this will not improve the situation, because accusations of dependency will immediately begin, that you don’t love her, that you dumped all the work, and so on.

It’s also impossible for a husband to unconditionally take his mother’s side, because it’s already hard for a young wife, especially in someone else’s house with a hostile mother-in-law. In addition, she must believe that her husband is protection, support and support. But the mother, already old, also requires care and attention.

If, after a calm and serious conversation with the mother, it becomes clear that she categorically does not want to accept her daughter-in-law, it makes sense to leave, otherwise you can forget about family happiness. But even if this is not possible, do not despair. You need to learn to distance yourself from such a mother psychologically, then it will not be necessary to share an apartment. Family psychology specialists can help you do this.

One thing is clear - a man will not be able to escape the problems of the relationship between his wife and mother. And the sooner he tries to understand the situation, the greater the chance that it can be resolved to everyone’s satisfaction.