How to teach teenagers to clean up after themselves. The behavior of the child is not simulated, it is honest

Good afternoon Sorry it's long. I don’t know if I wrote it right here or if it should have been in Miscellaneous. But still, we are talking about psychology, although not childish, but adolescent. And mine.
Please help, give advice, teach how to behave with a teenage daughter. I can no longer. I can't do anything with her.
Daughter 15 years old. I know that all children and teenagers make a mess in the room. But ours is something special. In just a couple of hours, he manages to breed a terrible pigsty in the room. Textbooks, notebooks, scraps of paper, candy wrappers, seed husks, cups of cottage cheese, dirty dishes, dirty underpants are scattered on the table and on the sofa (you should have seen them, I don’t understand how to bring underpants to such a degree), socks, tights and much more. Under the sofa and in any other secluded place, a warehouse is periodically formed, where they hide mixed up: bags, empty gift bags, dirty pantyhose, bits, new good things in a terrible state, used pads and much more. Well, it's like that everywhere.
The only way to get out is to take away the computer. It helps for a while, but not for long.
I don't even want to buy new things. Because once put on a new blouse / skirt / T-shirt / something else, after being removed, in a crumpled form, it is thrust into the closet / under the sofa / somewhere else along with dirty rags and bits, then it goes out there for a week, then it rushes into the wash, and how more washes, topics faster thing becomes not new.
I'm not talking about public spaces. In the order of things - do not flush the toilet, leave the used gasket in the toilet, not to mention dirty dishes and a bunch of crumbs on the table. She tried to make comments both softly and rudely - she nods her head and does it her own way.
Increasingly, I find myself thinking that I DO NOT WANT to live with her in the same apartment. It's not pleasant. There are things that I can't deal with. And I don’t know how to make her fulfill the requirements of a joint hostel: clean up at least crumbs after herself (God be with her - with dishes, I’ll put them in the dishwasher in the evening), flush the toilet. I'm already just waiting for her to start living separately, but the wait is still a long time.
Unsuccessfully tried to involve her in cleaning the apartment. Including for money. Objectively, there is no time for her to do this, because. until 15 she is at school, then she has English 2 times a week, a pool 2 times a week. In fairness, it can hardly be called troubled teenager: she is a good student at the gymnasium, quite responsible in some matters not related to cleaning
Today I invited the house for the first time. worker. Yesterday, the daughters were told 3 times that the room should be left in such a state that it could be cleaned there - wipe the dust, wash the floor. Those. all her things should be in their places. She said yes, yes, and even cleared the table last night. You should have seen her room this morning! I found out after she left for school (I slowed down, didn’t check) - the bed had not been made, the pillows from the sofa mixed with other things were lying on the floor, there was rubbish again on the table (and when I had time since yesterday evening!). So ashamed before stranger, who was actually invited to wash the floors, and not make the bed for a slut.
What should I do with her?

, Parenting

This is often asked by parents. Today's notes by a psychologist may help you take a different look at the problem of a boring mess.

Teenager's room: table, chair, bed - this is his territory. And the less opportunities a teenager has to express himself in another area (in the event that access to his own resources is difficult, hence the lack of understanding of his desires, needs, strengths), the more energy he has for creative disorder. Own Chaos in the head is projected outward, you see, and the soul is somehow calmer. Then the parents came running and shouted. Two birds with one stone were killed at once: attention was received and detente took place. And this is the most important thing, what a child needs is sincere attention to his person (“tell me what I am in your eyes, only honestly”) and the opportunity to throw out a little the ocean of feelings that a teenager has inside. And besides, a bright spot is added to the understanding of one’s dullness and unattractiveness - parents are also not angels. And this is also true. In general, disorder is not only complete happiness, but also psychotherapy.

How do those parents and children who have order live? And the child himself will be the first to notice and remove it if, God forbid, something is wrong somewhere. This question is individual, of course, but you can explore.

Parents in such families outwardly look calmer, more confident. They have many ways to invite the child to clean up, many playful expressions. Everyone's needs are taken into account: the cleaning time is agreed upon jointly, there is a consideration of mutual claims (guests come to everyone, holidays are celebrated, and order is part of the tradition of the holiday). Interests are taken into account: someone likes to clean the kitchen, someone likes to vacuum, someone wash dishes every day.

Why the child does not clean, what he lacks, they can tell you own feelings. Listen to yourself. If you experience irritation, it means that the child suffers from a lack of attention. Anger indicates that there is a struggle for power. Do you feel hurt? This is the revenge of your child, which means that you, too, treated him unfairly somewhere. Frustration tells you that you are stuck with failure.

And in the very ideal there are situations when one “really needs it”, and the other “can’t be raised”, just like in any other field of activity. Here there is a test of the stability of traditions - but is it really necessary; doubt arises. By the way, also very useful quality doubt, search alternative options. And here each family has its own sanctions, i.e. some kind of punishment. If they are not there, this means that this rule on the need for cleaning in the previous mode can be changed. And here it is useful to negotiate, exploring the needs and capabilities of each.
Liventseva Elena Nikolaevna

It is difficult to be the parents of a teenager - the age of rebellion, free-thinking, overly hot upholding of one's "I", obsession with own emotions. Usually what is important for adults, young rebels do not seem so.

Cleaning is one of the controversial topics. It is necessary to educate children in accuracy, organization, responsibility. How to do it right? How to teach a teenager to order, avoiding a domestic war?

Psychologists advise parents who are faced with the problem raised in the article not to despair ahead of time. Your child isn't the only one who gets naughty when it comes to cleaning. This feature is characteristic of most teenagers who do not yet realize how important it is to keep the room clean: scattered things, a dirty cup near the computer, dust on the shelves do not interfere with them.

Adolescents sincerely do not understand why adults are so angry, why they so persistently, and often rudely, interfere in their usual way of life.

But this does not mean at all that in the future the child will adhere to the same opinion. As he grows older, his attitude towards cleaning will change.

Waiting for the sloppiness to go away on its own is not worth it. Parents are what parents are supposed to educate. Notice, do not shout, order, humiliate, but educate. And you have to start with yourself. If from an early age a child is accustomed to seeing the mess caused by his parents, it is pointless to expect other behavior from him. He will copy adults.

The main methods of accustoming to order

Psychologists offer several basic ways to teach a child to be clean:

These are the main points that should be followed when educating neatness in children. Communication is also important.

Find mutual language with a teenager is impossible? So they think lazy parents. Difficult, yes, but worth trying.

It is important to explain why it is bad that the cup is near the computer, and the crumpled shirt is on the floor. It is equally important to clarify what exactly you want. The concept of tidying up is very abstract. The child usually ignores such a request. It is necessary to clearly set a task for him: lay out books, clean out the closet, etc.

Phased Impact

It is necessary to accustom to order gradually. Let him vacuum today, tomorrow he will clean the aquarium. It is easier to accept education in small doses. In addition, it has been noticed that many teenagers are frightened by the prospect of wasting their time, as it seems to them. Therefore, cleaning at first should be short. Don't worry: later on, the child will develop the habit of doing something with his own hands to restore order. And without your reminder.

In no case do not punish children with cleaning. This process should be accepted as the norm. You should also not give pocket money as a reward for order.

Leave the orderly tone. Especially if you see that your child is passionate about something. It would be wiser to invite him to clean up at a convenient time for him. And do not interfere if a teenager prefers to combine cleaning with watching a movie or listening to music. Any comments from adults can interrupt the desire to do something.

Motivation and criticism - everything should be in moderation

We must not forget about such a factor as motivation. It is important to evaluate the child's work. Flattery is inappropriate here. A teenager will always feel a lie. But one should not overdo it with criticism. Over time, the quality of cleaning will improve.

If desired, you can reward for completed tasks with an extra hour of walking or playing computer games.

Watch the child. What interests him? What activities are you drawn to? If your daughter loves flowers, why not entrust the care of them? If your son is passionate about the topic of animals, shift the responsibility of cleaning the cat's pot, changing the water in the aquarium to him. If the child is a book lover, have him dust off the bookshelf. This kind of motivation great way education.

Tactics and no threats

Psychologists forbid the use of threat tactics. The parent must not invade the child's space. Like every mature personality, he has his own secrets and secrets that should not become the property of his parents. Threats have no effect, since the reaction of a teenager will be directly proportional. In addition, this method can ruin relationships. Parents should also remember:

If a child is not embarrassed by the mess in his room - this is one thing. It is a completely different matter when he shows negligence in the "common" territory: in the kitchen, in the bathroom, living room, hallway. Here - no dirty shoes and scattered things. It is important to be able to adhere this rule and by ourselves.

A clever approach to discipline

Pushing a teenager to clean can be unobtrusive, with the help of some tricks. Hide something. Answer the child's questions that you need to follow the order. If this does not help, you should invite your son or daughter's school friends to visit. Usually, in front of friends, a teenager wants to look decent. The room will definitely change.

http://youtu.be/EmruhS2q6Io

Lots of tips. To be honest, many of them may not work. Every situation is different. Teenager is the whole world that shakes the revolution. Don't teach what you don't believe in yourself. Do not demand what you yourself do not fulfill. And most importantly - be sincere, and then the child will definitely open up to you, and the process of raising and accustoming to cleanliness will become easy and enjoyable.

The school uniform is casually thrown on the crumpled bed, dirty socks rolled up in a bagel are lying on the bookshelves, under the bed, in the corner of the room. On the work table are soda cans and bags of chips ... welcome to the room modern teenager! If this picture is familiar to you, find out how to quickly get him to clean his room.

Recognize the right to privacy

It is important to understand that teenage years- a time interval during which parents will have to show great patience and tact. Not only does the typical teenager not clean up his own room, but he also forbids adults to do it, believing that by doing so they "violate his living space". Sometimes, as in American films, teenagers stick posters on the door leading to their bedroom with menacing inscriptions like "No Trespassing". It is not surprising that parents in such an environment lose their patience. However, the first thing to understand is that the person you are dealing with is no longer that cute baby in whose nursery you once carefully placed teddy bears and made repairs. If Small child feels his unity and connection with his parents and therefore willingly shares his territory with them, then the teenager seeks to separate from them, and his room is a kind of bastion where he hides from “outsiders”. Alas, in adolescence Parents also belong to the category of "strangers".

“I don’t want to clean” or “I can’t”?

To begin with, let's try to take the place of a teenager. According to psychologists, some teenagers do not clean their room simply because ... they do not notice the mess. Recently, studies were conducted in the United States, during which it turned out that a child in transitional age the frontal part of the brain, whose function is associated with the management of the order of actions and concentration of attention, is still underdeveloped. The peak of its development falls only at the age of 19-20 years. In addition, according to child psychologists, the room in which a person spends most of his time is a reflection of his personality. internal state. Since in adolescence, chaos usually reigns in the thoughts of a child (and this is due to hormonal changes), then in his room, respectively, a complete mess. How, then, to accustom a son or daughter to order?

Specific duties instead of calls for "ideal order"

The first thing to do is to recognize the right of the child to have personal space. Instead of bursting into his room and hanging like a menacing cloud demanding to immediately restore pristine cleanliness, try knocking first (thereby you express respect for your son or daughter). You can then ask your teen to clean up the mess. State your wishes, but be as specific as possible: "I want you to hang your jacket in the closet, toss your dirty socks in the laundry basket, and put your music CDs on the shelf." This will allow the child to clearly understand what exactly is required of him. Do not call for a "perfect" order, this is too abstract a category for a teenager. So that he is not afraid of a large amount of work, it is better to immediately list everything that he has to do.

Explain why it is important to keep order in the room. For example, dust can harm equipment, cause DVD / CD rom to fail. this case your logical arguments will not cause a sharp protest, because instead of encroaching on the territory of a son or daughter (“Now leave the room, you need to vacuum here!”), You tactfully offer help. In addition, you kind of make it clear to a teenager that you recognize in him a separate person, which has the right to occupy its own space.

Staged cleaning, minimalism in the room and your own example

As a rule, children ignore cleaning because it requires a lot of time and effort. Show your child how to eliminate clutter in a room step by step. Let's say today you can dust the bookshelves and equipment, and tomorrow you can vacuum the room. If this does not lead to the desired result, have the teenager perform one type of work, for example, dusting and making the bed. As you grow older, you can increase the list of his duties.

To keep order in the room, even with early age Teach your children to keep the nursery furnished in a minimalist style. A large number of decorative features on horizontal surfaces visually create a sense of chaos in the room. The less unnecessary items and dust collectors in it, the easier it will be for a teenager to clean up. And, of course, do not skimp on praise when you notice the first signs of neatness. Finally, serve yourself good example: if comfort and pristine cleanliness reign in your house, then it is unlikely that a teenager will make a uniform mess, if only because he has been accustomed to cleanliness all his life.

Article provided by:

Arevik Chakhoyan,
especially for DEINFORM

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Most parents are faced with the problem of teenage sloppiness and slovenliness. None of the parents simply knows how to accustom a teenager to order (daughter or son), so everything is immediately built on screams and punishments. But it makes no sense. This attitude towards a teenager will only embitter him, and will not help instill the habit of cleaning and keeping his room clean.

First of all need to be able to talk to the child and know at what point to do it. After all, they have completely different things in their heads, such as girls, discos, hobbies. Teenagers may not understand why parents constantly tell them what to do, depriving them of their freedom of choice.

You can consider some of the reasons why a teenager resists order and how to push him to fulfill it:

1. shouting and forceful methods will never achieve good results;
2. parents mean by the word "order" a completely different meaning than a teenager;
3. it is unnecessary to order to put things in order;
4. do not invade personal space;
5. load with a lot of housework;
6. show accuracy and cleanliness by example;
7. cunning to push to restore order.
8. wait for the moment when the teenager gets tired of the mess.

In order for a teenager to learn how to clean up after himself and help his parents around the house, you need to put in a lot of effort and patience. It is always worth starting with the simplest options.

Do not swear and yell at a teenager for a mess, this will only cause a continuous stream bad words and exacerbate the situation. It should not be forgotten that he is already an adult and in an orderly tone, it is better not to talk to him. You need to try to talk with him on an equal footing, and in this way try to negotiate.

Parents need to know when to stop.

It is necessary to accustom teenagers to order with great patience and respect. After all, over time, all sons will become neater, and daughters will become good housewives, the main thing is to start accustoming to this as early as possible, so as not to miss the moment when it is too late.