How important are similar interests in a relationship? How to save a relationship if spouses have different interests.

Do you think they are common interests the key to good and happy relationship? Most women will answer yes. But is this really so? Let's figure it out.

Common interests

In fact, finding common interests and maintaining a balance so that both you and the man feel good is the most important thing. There’s just one “but” - this balance is impossible to achieve. In her desire to do everything to make a man feel good, a woman forgets about herself, and as a result, a certain pattern arises - a woman needs a man much more than he needs her.

At a minimum, because a woman wants much more from a man than he does from her: time, care, children, marriage. And she wants even more joint action, and a lot of it has to do with female monogamy. Men tend to choose one woman for sex, another for hanging out, and a third for marriage. And a woman has one man for all occasions.

AND the only way find the right man- this is to limit yourself in needs. Put on " pink glasses"and live as you supposedly want. And many women succeed in this, because the less demanding a woman is, the more chances she has to get married.

But as soon as a woman raises her demands, from the point of view modern world she just has a lot of ideas about herself. Therefore, there is an opinion that female share difficult precisely because of the inability to choose one.

And in order to somehow change this situation and prevent the man from leaving, they decided that we should have common interests, because supposedly this is a guarantee further relations. This is a persistent misconception that many psychologists perpetuate. A man cannot feel like a woman, therefore, if you achieve this, then you will have a very perverted chosen one. And even if he is romantic, sensual, as you wanted, it’s definitely not because of you.

When a man runs away from a woman, she thinks it's because they don't have common interests. And then she acts in two ways - either she looks for a man with the same interests as hers, or she lives in the interests of the one she has chosen.

But is it worth doing this? Is it necessary to waste time on such a man?

Is the game worth the candle?

Sometimes a man really wants to leave to escape his problems. He's tired of everything, he's not happy with his family, he doesn't want to take care of the children, and so on. In fact, in this case the man is running not so much from problems, but from the function that controls him.

But sometimes a man leaves not to escape, but simply to hang out, drink beer with friends, go fishing, and so on. That is, he wants somewhere where there is movement and here he gets up main question– Should I take my wife with me? In this case, the woman is trying to solve the problem - who to leave with the children so that she can escape with her husband. But in reality everything is completely different. The woman has the illusion that her husband does not take her with him because she will not be interested or she simply does not fit into the company. But that's not the problem.

Family for a man is not everything, but only part of his interests. Unlike a woman, for whom the family is a project and she can devote herself entirely to it, for a man it is a recreation center or rear.

But a man also has a main occupation - his work, friends. He even prefers rest “without” (his wife), while a woman “with”. For example, a woman wants to take a break not from her husband and children, but from her responsibilities, so she will happily go to a resort, but with the whole family, because her husband and children are her comfort zone.

This is not the case for a man. Besides the fact that he just wants to go on vacation, the man also wants to take a break from both the children and you. And this does not mean at all that he does not love you and the children. He will also tear anyone's throat for his family, but in this moment he wants to take a break from everything. Why?

The fact is that men by nature are commanders and they can have a great rest with the servants. It will not be a problem for them if instead of a wife there is a maid, housekeeper, security guard and other service personnel. Why do men very often relax in the sauna not with their mistress, much less with their wife, but with a prostitute? Because she is a function for him, sex with her is also a function, nothing more. And the only ones he can accept as equals are his male friends.

But there is another holiday option where men happily relax with their wives or girlfriends - this is trips with friends. For example, you went with a group to a camp site. And there women quite consciously play the role of function, knowing and accepting it. While the men talk about their own things, the women cook, bring them food and conduct their conversations. No one bothers anyone, and such a vacation can be called ideal. This that rare case when a man takes a joint vacation. Because he doesn't need to solve any problems. He doesn’t need to be responsible for cooking or worry about everything that happens.

If you went on vacation with a man, then your task is not to create problems for him. If you, going on a trip with your spouse, take care of tickets, arrange visas, and take care of all the affairs, then he will not mind you going with him. But only if you don’t start whining, “We didn’t sit there, we stayed in a bad hotel,” or “Why did we even come here?”

In fact, these are problems of common leisure, as well as common interests. They simply cannot exist. Therefore, you need to remember one thing - either you let your man go where he wants, where there are functions and women, or you eat with him in the role of this very “function”. It is clear that in this situation there are many “cons”, and there is an opportunity to reduce the price. But if at home you are a commander, and on vacation you can be a function, then he is unlikely to want to look for new woman and rest without you.

Of course, the topic of common interests is important, but you should not confuse life interests and men's hobbies. You can easily choose someone who loves spicy food just like you. Films and music of the same genre. But that doesn't mean you have to have the same hobbies. You should give your man space to walk and only make sure he leaves and comes back, and not run with him on a leash. You must create a place where he will be free, albeit illusory. And if you find yourself on its territory, you must play by its rules: be a function and a service personnel. Only then will he not say that you are interfering with his life and that he needs to dump you.

Remember that men's vacation is not about romance, but about an obedient wife. Therefore, it is much more effective, if you are going to celebrate something, to do it over two days. One is yours - flowers, balls, etc. His other is vodka, meat and passionate sex. And here it is important not to get involved in the topic where he should be without you. Moreover, you will not always like his hobbies. It's better to be able to separate it.

Your questions

“When I lived with my husband, I was always offended by him because he spent time with friends. At the same time, he looked after me, gave me gifts, flowers, and generally treated me well. But I wasn’t happy with the fact that he had his own hobbies and friends. As a result, I ensured that his attitude towards me worsened and he began to yell. We divorced. My husband had a hard time with the divorce and started drinking. I thought I had let him go so that he could live as he wanted, but it turned out that I just needed to give him a little freedom.”

“I realized that in marriage, especially if there are children, a woman really cannot develop and do something of her own. True freedom can only be achieved outside of it.”

In fact, this is so, because everyday life, a spouse, children take up not only a lot of physical, but also spiritual time. And usually women really get lost in all this. They are simply incapable of doing anything else.

Initially, the title of this article was a little longer and looked like this: “ How to find common interests with your husband and save your relationship" I can say with confidence that problems in marriage occur due to the separation of spouses, a decrease in mutual interest to each other.

Coldness between husband and wife appears as a result of the stability that we all strive for. The main reason is boredom, usually caused by the lack of common interests, activities, topics for conversation - in addition to everyday ones, of course...

Therefore, in the question of how to regain interest in each other And save the relationship It is important to find common ground. Are we going on a search?

When the desire is mutual

In the matter of how to find common hobbies, activities, common topics to talk with my husband, it is very important that the spouses both want to get closer to each other again.

Why might the distance initially occur? Situations may be different. The most common “scenario” of the average married couple with a similar problem, looks something like this:

got busy and ran around with work matters and questions. Nowadays, society is a huge anthill in which ant people are constantly fussing, doing something, running somewhere in order to do everything and provide themselves and their families with everything they need. In this rush, we simply lose touch with each other. No time. Tired. Routine and everyday life bring miracles out of our relationships..

And suddenly someone, or both, stop and understand: it’s time to get closer. Something is somehow boring and sad, the relationship does not sparkle, the heart does not excite, but you want love, affection, attention. I want to hold it in my arms!

It’s good if such a moment comes in the life of the spouses. The relationship has a chance to sparkle with new colors - to become even better, richer and more interesting.

The first step is always recognizing the problem. The second step is to formulate the final desired result: “What do I ultimately want to get from my efforts and actions?” ..

1. Let's get to know each other again. During the period of time that you did not systematically intersect with each other (you had breakfast in the morning and ran away), you need to get to know each other again. Ask what's new with your husband, what thoughts, interests, desires, and plans he has.

2. Make a list of things you both used to enjoy doing. Analyze. If today all this has lost its relevance for you, move on to the next step.

3. Take each a piece of paper and a pen. List what you would like to do in free time. Perhaps visit the pool, rollerblade, practice shooting, etc. It is important to write everything that comes to mind and that can somehow interest you.

4. Now look through your notes and find something in common in them, try to identify “points of common ground.”

5. Find time. If you have a strong intention to do something, then believe me, you can always find time for any task that has value. If you decide to play tennis together, make a schedule for joint training and, by all means, attend them.

Naturally, all this should not resemble footage from the film “Major Payne”. Sharing leisure time should take place against the backdrop of mutual desire, ease, respect, understanding and humor. If anything from this list is weak, the holes need to be patched up. IN in this case the absence of common interests is only a consequence of other, more serious problems married.

When one is offside

It's harder to decide the problem of lack of common interests between spouses, if one of them, seeing this very problem, does not want to do anything. For example, a wife feels that there is no former connection in the relationship and they are bored. She tries to find common interests with her husband, but he, in turn, does not help her with this.

What to do in similar situation? First, purr in your husband’s ear: “It is important to me that our relationship brings joy to each other. I'm sure you support this idea. But I can’t do it without your help. Let's try to find general occupation, interests and let's start devoting more time to each other. As an option, not only communicate more and conduct dialogues, but also diversify sex life.. What do you think?".

If your spouse has not yet emotionally freed himself from the marriage, he will respond to your request. Otherwise, his reluctance to approach can be explained for the following reasons:

- at the moment he simply has no time. And it’s good if this is the only reason. - Give him time to deal with more important [at the moment] matters for him. Respect his work and encourage his enthusiasm;

- He lost interest in you..

Why does this happen and how to fix the situation? — I’ll tell you in a short video:

Of course, play with one goal throughout long period time is impossible. Everything has a limit. A woman, as a source of energy and positivity, can dry up if she does not receive replenishment on time. But does your man know about this? - Perhaps you haven’t even thought about it... Show him personal example how to care for your relationship and replenish your love deposit.

Living with another person requires a lot of compromises. However, if your relationship has common interests, compromise can be put aside.

Boredom and monotony - these words should not be for you. Thanks to common interests, you don’t have to look for options and figure out what to do with your free time. Check out the most popular hobbies for couples.

Common interests:

Music

If you and your partner have the same tastes, it will make a lot of things easier for you. There will be no need to argue about which concert you decide to go to this month, or what music will play from the speakers while cleaning. The only problem All that remains is to adjust the volume.

Advice: As often as possible, go to concerts of bands you haven’t met before. Explore new musical styles together. Let one of you be an inspiration to the other.

Sport

Does playing sports together turn you on? You must understand what this is important element in your life. You shouldn't be ashamed to run together or go to Gym. And in your free time, take dancing and swimming lessons. Without sports, your marriage will be empty and boring.

Tip: Try to train together as often as possible. Maybe this will mobilize you to achieve best results. Let one of you be the head coach for the other.

Video

Are you tired of watching movies starring Johnny Depp? But do you still exchange views and feelings after a successful film? Not a single premiere should flash past you, and let cinema become your second home.

Advice: Break away from your habit of going to a regular cinema - it's time to switch to something modern. Cinema under open air! Stars, car and good film- this will help you maintain your relationship and enjoy an intimate atmosphere.

Photo

Do you talk about technological innovations for breakfast? Every month you go to the store and buy better and better equipment? This means that you are united by a common passion, you can take pictures for hours and talk about your successes - and you don’t get tired of it.

Tip: Organize a day together dedicated to photography. Let your beloved girl pose especially and exclusively for you. Be an inspiration to each other.

Trips

Do you like to plan, invent, set deadlines, organize flights and accommodation? This means you live in an eternal rush, and your bags are always ready to leave. So let there be no place on earth that you would not visit. When traveling, take time to talk calmly, go for a walk, and experience something new together.

Tip: Think about where you haven't been before. Sit over the map and mark the places you want to see. So you will still be able to carry out good evening with wine in hands.

Job

Are you united by many questions? Do you share everything with each other: apartment, expenses, as well as professional life? Then working with a partner is a great convenience and pleasure for you. You go to work together, have lunch, return home in the evening, you have both common problems, and mutual friends.

Tip: Take time away from your work and head to the spa to unwind from your daily responsibilities. Ask yourself this question: do you remember what your husband looks like when he’s not stressed after the office, or what your dinner looks like when there’s no time pressure and the phone is always buzzing?

In my opinion, this is a very strange idea. Why, strictly speaking, should a man and a woman have any common interests other than own feelings, sex, perhaps, common life and raising common children - i.e. the most natural and understandable things?

You know, my wife was always crazy about bard songs, and I loved the band KISS. She did not share my enthusiasm for being a fan of Kissami, and I openly yawned at the Okudzhava memorial evenings. Was it really in the name of our love that each of us had to overcome our own rejection of the music that - well, it just so happens - we don’t like? In the name of what, for what purposes? After all, we were already together.

A man and a woman met. They enjoy kissing, hugging, making love and dancing. So why should she drag him to snowboard, to which she became addicted even before meeting him, and why should he initiate her into the secrets of fishing in the company of his friends - avid fishermen?

And, nevertheless, the idea of ​​finding common interests is constantly heard in connection with the so-called. "relationships". What's the matter?

Modern women know or guess that the only need for a man is permanent woman, living with her on the same territory has been greatly undermined in recent decades. But, more accurately, the modern woman poorly understands and accepts her own role in a man’s life and in his home. She simply does not know how and does not want to be USEFUL to a man.

And, if the biologically determined, natural goals of a modern woman are largely lost, then the void must be filled with artificial, fictitious goals. “Relationships” must be held together by something: “we don’t want children yet” - let there be a common hobby.

Constant mention of some kind of initiative by a woman aimed at gaining the so-called. “common interests” - in general, the very presentation of this topic is an attempt to somehow compensate, to cement the dubious and flimsy basis of the so-called. “relationships” and even family. These attempts to artificially invent some common interests and in mandatory spending 100% of your free time from work together, this artificial clinging to each other, believe me, does not bode well.

What is behind the search for “common interests” in practice?

Firstly, this is a woman’s internal uncertainty that she is firmly holding a man. Modern woman does not know and does not know how to give a man what is required of her in a normal patriarchal family.

Secondly, what intersects with point one is a conscious or unconscious desire to control a man everywhere and always, to put under control all of his free time, and, therefore, resources.

Thirdly, a man in Once again it is suggested that “relationships” are an intrinsic value, that they need to be built somehow, that they need to be worked on, etc. I have already spoken about this doctrine of “relationships” in previous chapters. The benefit here is very simple: to distract a man from the main and essentially the only question: “What useful things has this woman brought into my life?”

With this chapter I would like to warn men against this false goal of looking for “common interests.” The real common interest of a man and a woman is sex, living together and children. A normal patriarchal couple simply does NOT NEED to look for anything. I fully admit common hobbies and interests, but they cannot be a platform for a long-term union. And they certainly never formed the basis for patriarchal relationships.

If a man is looking for “common interests” with a woman, this means that as a woman for this man she is nothing, and the man himself does not understand what good this woman actually gives him.