Reasons for divorce of married couples. Why do people get divorced

« Emotional Divorce" is a concept used by Carl Whitaker, who created and practiced a symbolic approach based on personal experience and meaning a way out of symbiosis in marital relations, the process of individuation in marriage, which occurs almost inevitably on different stages life cycle families: 3, 7, 10, 25 years of marriage and others.

“Emotional divorce” also means the end of pseudo-therapy in marriage and contributes to the growth of marriage if the spouses decide to take this step: “... will these two risk psychological divorce and then reunite? Will they be persistent enough to realize that by investing their individuation into future system receive as individuals in return new forces in return for themselves? And that the gradual development of equality will replace that asymmetrical transference in which they played therapist and patient or parent and child?

However, "emotional divorce" can negatively affect the dynamics of marital relations, for example, in cases where, having distanced themselves from each other, the spouses did not find opportunities for a new rapprochement, fixing themselves at a great distance.

Outwardly, an “emotional divorce” can manifest itself in different ways: the spouses continue to live together, move apart, tell each other about the lack of intimacy, distance themselves, starting third parties in the relationship, and this third person can be a therapist.

For a better understanding of the phenomenon of "emotional divorce", Bowen's concept of "emotional gap" is important: " This concept denotes the way in which people strip themselves of the past in order to begin own life in my own generation." .

A temporary emotional break can play a very important role in separation from parental family. When the emotional gap becomes chronic, it leads to a decrease in differentiation, both in the interpersonal and intrapersonal sense. Bowen also notes: “The more abrupt the break with the past, the more likely that in his own marriage this person will face an increased version of the problems of his parental family ...” . Thus, the lack of separation from the parental family often leads to an emotional rupture and / or horizontal divorce in marital relations. Thus, in my opinion, the concepts of "emotional divorce" and "emotional gap" in this context intersect and are interrelated.

Moreover, both of them are used by the authors as potentially useful, can lead to growth, differentiation, individuation, if they are temporary and overcome. In cases where the attempt is not crowned with success (family members either do not dare to leave the merger, or the emotional break / divorce becomes chronic) they have rather a negative connotation.

Some Important Principles for Couple/Family Therapy in the Emotional Divorce Stage

1. In my opinion, an invitation to the 1st meeting maximum number people from extended family and even friends makes it easier further work and helps from the very beginning to start the processes of detriangulation, liberation from obsolete homeostatic ways of interaction (of course, the family itself “decides” what it should get rid of and what not).

2. The "translation" technique: the therapist/therapists actively help in conveying to both spouses messages (meaningful and contextual), in the formulation, transmission and perception of which the spouses themselves either find it difficult or "confused" (in a situation of "emotional divorce" each spouse often "watching his movie"). The therapist does not insist, of course, he can make mistakes, however, he is quite active in the “translation”, the accuracy of which is facilitated, among other things, by knowledge of the patterns and features of the life cycle stage and “emotional divorce”.

3. The family/marriage therapist supports the "We" of the couple, appreciates it, however, does not limit their own perception.

4. The therapist never suggests himself, but in every possible way supports the desire of one or both spouses to temporarily increase the distance: to disperse or stop discussing “hot” topics. According to my observations, the easier the spouses perceive and allow such temporary distancing or even a complete cessation of communication for some time (between sessions or “for a month”), the less “bloody” a productive and sometimes necessary “emotional divorce” can be.

The therapist decatastrophizes the situation, helps to convey (especially to the spouse who does not initiate an increase in the distance) the message is not only and not so much rejecting and hurting (as is most often perceived), but informing about the need to be with yourself, orient yourself in the situation and rely on yourself . The support of the therapist and the correct understanding are also important for the spouse who has risked taking this step (an alternative is offered to the feeling of guilt, a positive connotation of the need is given).

Sometimes the desire to "break vicious circle” are voiced by both spouses, deciding on this with the support of the therapist.

5. The therapist does not work "for the preservation of the family" and "for divorce." In my deep conviction and experience, best position for the therapist - the absence of any prognosis in this regard. Exactly like this " open question» contributes to maximum freedom and authenticity in making a decision by a couple, allowing not to burden the couple with their own projections. Naturally, this is not an easy position for the therapist due to his own experience.

These and some other provisions are important in dealing with "emotional divorce".

Literature

1. Carl Whitaker - Midnight musing of a family therapist/W.W. Norton&Company New York, 1989.

2. Theory family systems Murray Bowen. Basic concepts, methods and clinical practice / edited by K. Baker, A.Ya. Vargi. Moscow, Kogito-center 2005.

As the classic said, every family is unhappy in its own way. Nevertheless, sociologists were able to summarize the polls and identify the main causes of divorce and somewhat different motives, or social reasons for ending a marriage.

Most of the couples interviewed admitted that there were other, more specific problems behind the formal phrase "irreconcilable differences" in their divorce.

So, 40% of the survey participants were disappointed in the personal qualities of the partner, 20% could not endure poverty (the majority were women), another 30% blamed the spouse for irresponsible behavior towards the family as a whole. And only a tenth of them called the cooling of feelings the reason for the divorce from their husband.

Which families are at risk

The statistics allocate official divorces one third of all marriages in Russia. In the risk group, oddly enough, in the first place are families in the range from 3 to 6 years of marriage with small children and newborns. Therefore, children, contrary to expectations, do not keep modern spouses together.

In second place were families with an experience of 20-25 years, in which spouses, having raised and raised children, suffer from the "empty nest" syndrome. But the least common cases of divorce in childless families, when the reason for the divorce is the unwillingness of one of the spouses to ever have their own or adopted children.

The risk of divorce is not, in fact, the cause of a couple's divorce and cannot be an accurate indicator, but some factors are suggestive. What if some marriages have poor chances of survival from the start? For example, in many conflict families the guy and the girl had known each other for less than 6 months before the wedding and simply did not have time to get to know each other properly.

Psychologists do not claim that an additional six months for courtship before the wedding would help to identify shortcomings in a future partner and avoid bad marriage. On the contrary, the spouses would get every chance for more successful and long term relationship because they would be mentally prepared for each other's shortcomings.

Disappointment, and often shock, from the discrepancy between dreams and reality very quickly creates a disastrous atmosphere in a young family. Few people are able to withstand the conflict "it was - it became" in the conditions of a barely begun family life.

Another herald of early divorce - selfish attitude one of the spouses, in other words, a marriage of convenience. Moreover, you can count not only on the wealth and influential status of the future husband or wife.

Emotional dependence, for example, of a girl on her older, strong and experienced partner can turn into a disaster.

Women always look for support in their husband, which in itself does not destroy the family - this is a sign of a normal marriage. But in a situation where the wife is protected by unloved husband, she runs the risk of acquiring irritation, anger, jealousy and neurosis in the kit, and a man may begin to behave arbitrarily. Such a marriage is doomed to divorce due to the lack of love in its basis.

Behavioral causes of divorce in the modern family

The struggle of one spouse with the unacceptable behavior of the other can last a lifetime. Russian women they courageously endure the alcoholism of their husbands as if it were an unpleasant character trait, like rudeness or irascibility.

At the same time, such reasons for divorce as the illness of a spouse began to appear in the answers of respondents, and there is nothing to be proud of - this is a negative trend of almost direct betrayal of marriage and family promises, along with treason.

Among the unacceptable qualities of a husband or wife that lead to divorce are often indicated:

• constant conflict resolution through quarrels and scandals;
• refusal to provide for the family (for men) and to run a common household;
• unjustified separation;
• discovered treason, betrayal, lies;
• alcoholism and drug addiction;
• theft and other illegal activities.

Financial reasons are important too.

Psychologists say that conditions of poverty make family members extremely impatient with each other. Even if both partners are equally making efforts to get out of debt on loans or simply to ensure their existence, the atmosphere of tension absorbs all their strength and brings them together. tender feelings to "no". Poverty is a real test for a marriage, especially with multiple children. It happens that the husband loses the ability to earn money and the wife has to support the family.

In this situation, it is very difficult to rely on the patience and devotion of the spouse, because she feels unfairly deprived.

It can be difficult for people to accept changed circumstances, adjust to the rhythm of the life of a sick person, sacrifice their time and effort, supporting him. The feeling that everything could have turned out differently, as well as the feeling of guilt, destroys from the inside.

The reasons for divorce in Russia are often related to the issue of housing. Young families forced to live under the same roof with their parents also run the risk of not celebrating their 5th wedding anniversary. In total, from six months to two years is required for the development of a conflict with the older generation.

Then follows a painful denouement: either the spouses move out to another room, perhaps with worse conditions, or one of them remains in the parental home, and the marriage collapses.

Why is this happening? Parents try to control the family life of their children, focus on problems between spouses, impose hostility on them and instill disappointment in each other.

Sometimes life becomes a constant source of conflict when younger generation does not want to do household chores according to the requirements of parents. Anyway parental home- not the most safe place for a young family.

The most common reasons for material divorces are:

• poverty, lack of the most necessary;
• debts of one of the spouses;
• loss of a spouse's ability to work;
• housing problem.

If feelings have changed - this is an alarming sign

Pettiness, excessive independence, inability to be responsible for one's decisions, and many other negative traits gradually lead spouses to think that they are simply not a couple. The patience that holds some for years may run out for others in the first year. life together.

Spouses who have become unbearable to each other automatically receive disharmonious intimate relationship. They also tend not to build joint plans for the future and quickly realize that there is no point in continuing such a marriage.

Psychological causes of divorce:

• loss of love
• irritation;
• distrust and jealousy;
• difference in outlook on life;
• sexual incompatibility.

It is unlikely that someone marries or marries a person for whom he feels dislike, deeply disrespects or does not trust him. When creating a family, everyone counts on their portion of happiness and hopes to enjoy the relationship with their spouse.

According to statistics every year more and more couples officially dissolve the marriage, sometimes without even explaining the reasons for what is happening. A family is a warm and tender relationship, to which both spouses contribute. If a husband or wife has ceased to “warm up” their hearth, then this provokes conflicts. Why do people get divorced, make marriage invalid, what factors influence the decision? What are the reasons for divorce? The question is not easy, however, specialists in marital relationships have been able to identify the root causes of such behavior.

Why marital unions break up

Why do people get divorced - this question has always interested psychologists. In fact, there are a lot of factors that can contribute to this. It is very difficult to identify the main reason for divorce for certain couples, because no one knows about their relationship in private. The last straw before a quarrel can be an ordinary household or other trifle, abortion.

Reasons for divorce:

• Violence. This category includes not only physical impact, but also psychological conflicts. It offends not only men, but also women.
• Bad habits. If men and women have bad habits, like excessive use of alcohol or drugs - this can lead to discord in the union, such signs are quite weighty. In fact, according to statistics, this situation is the most frequent and offensive reason many divorces. When the other half drinks, it is very difficult to do something about it.
• Betrayal. Often couples experience a feeling of fatigue towards each other after a few years of life. Then treason will serve as a basis for dissolution of marriage. Man is designed in such a way that he constantly needs new emotions. If there is boredom in the house, he will try to diversify it.
• There are no shared interests. The other most common reason why conflicts arise is because of different views on the world, different hobbies. Couples must have at least, one thing that they do together.
• As grounds for divorce of people with different characters the unpreparedness for the adult life of one of the beloved also serves. For example, a child is born in a family, and one of the parents is simply not ready to raise him. Then the marriage breaks up.
• misunderstandings and conflicts. Often when the union breaks up former lovers They say they don't get along. The main reasons for the divorce of today's youth lie in a hurry. A girl and a guy sign in the registry office at the age of 20, not knowing each other well, only then they begin to figure it out negative qualities. Such reasons for marital divorce are not uncommon.
• intimate life. At 20 intimate life is in full swing, but after marriage, for some reason, everything changes. The body of men and women needs sexual intercourse, whether one of them wants it or not. In the event that there is no sexual intercourse, this offends both men and women.
• social status. Most couples fight and divorce because they have different social status. For example, men are very offended when a woman earns more, when she is more successful in her endeavors.
• Problems. Sometimes couples have problems they can't handle and get divorced. This happens after death. loved one or after an abortion. A person is experiencing a severe emotional breakdown, if the beloved does not support, then trust in him will dry up. For example, the condition of a woman after an abortion cannot be described in words, especially if she is 20–25 years old. She wants a child, but her significant other does not - this is a reason for divorce. beautiful half humanity is very offended when it is not understood, especially after an abortion.

different character

The reasons why marriages break up are now known. It remains only to get acquainted with the main ones in more detail. As it turned out, the most common reasons for divorce are the difference in characters. There are three groups of spouses who terminate the union for this reason. Consider what offends each of these groups.

The first group is youth

At the age of 20, hormones are raging among modern youth, they want to get married faster. Somehow they think it's easy and simple. However, it should be understood that marriage is a big responsibility.

After the creation of a family, it begins to turn out that the lovers do not know each other at all, and conflicts arise from this. “They didn’t get along” - that’s what they say when they go to the registry office to sign the termination of the union. They expected an atmosphere of joy and celebration, but got everyday troubles.

At 20, a person is not yet ready for responsibility, so early marriage of couples leads to divorce.

The second group are those who like to "fight against shortcomings"

A simple situation - lovers have been dating for several years, they know all the positive and negative sides each other. For some reason, they believe that after marriage everything will change, that women will be able to change their men. But does the representative of the stronger sex want this?

An individual's character can only change if he chooses to do so. This is a proven fact. “They didn’t agree on the characters” you can’t say about such spouses, rather, this category refers to those who did not live up to their expectations from married life.

You also need to remember that if you fell in love with your chosen one at the age of 20, and decided to get married at 30, think about whether this person is the same or not.

The third group includes those who know each other thoroughly

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Women sometimes believe that if they know their men well, relationships are easy and can be left to chance after marriage. However, if we consider the grounds on which the marriage is declared invalid, indifference will take one of the highest lines in the ranking.

Husband and wife must work on their relationship every day, it is necessary - we interpenetrate. Otherwise, factors will appear that will lead to problems, conflicts and quarrels. The motives for divorce will be found by themselves, the recognition of the union as invalid is something that will not have to wait long.

What happens when couples can't talk to each other

Whether there is a the serious reason, according to which it is possible to formalize the recognition of marriage as invalid? We can say with complete certainty that there is none. All the factors that entail a divorce, people wind up on their own.

The main problems of most couples are that lovers simply do not hear each other and do not want to start a conversation. After that, the official recognition of the union as invalid takes place. If you do not want to think about the reasons for the divorce later, learn not to hold back your emotions. Women often do not like the behavior of men when they scatter their dirty things all over the apartment. The lady is silent for a week, silent for two weeks, a year. Is there a good reason to be silent? Of course not. What happens next?

There is no need to look for reasons for ending a marriage for a long time, one day conflicts will arise in which all the negativity will pour out. A woman can accidentally say rude things, which offends a man very much. These are the grounds for ending a marriage.

Impassable difficulties

Very often, something happens in families that a girl and a guy in their 20s did not expect at all. These are not everyday conflicts and not the problem of “they didn’t get along”, everything can be much more complicated. There are other factors, they provoke problems, which can only be overcome with mutual understanding of the spouses.

What difficulties can couples face?

• The need for an abortion. A girl at the age of 20 became pregnant, but her husband is not yet ready for children, maybe with lovers, in this moment there is no way to provide for the child, which is a common case in modern world. In such a situation, the matter may reach an abortion. But it just seems that everything is done so simply. After an abortion, a girl at the age of 20 experiences severe stress and needs the moral support. Maybe this is precisely the reason why you divorced your husband and decided to formalize your union as invalid?
• Nobody expects death. Especially we are not ready to let go of loved ones. The consequences of death leave a strong imprint on the heart of men and women. At such moments, the spouses simply need the support of each other.
• The recognition of the union as invalid sometimes occurs for the reason that the husband cannot survive the success of his wife. If a woman seeks a promotion at work, but her husband does not, it offends him. The reason for youth divorces, hidden in envy, is one of the most popular.

It does not matter if the family is experiencing the consequences of an abortion or death, or there are other factors that can bring bad luck - spouses should always support each other. The most common causes of divorce are hidden in fear. It can be the fear of death, another abortion, failure in work, anything.

If spouses are ready to support each other in any situation, they will live happily and for a long time. If not, everything leads to one thing - divorce.

Why unions break up, what are the most common reasons for divorce, now it has become clear. It remains only to figure out if there are any factors that can help avoid separation and save the marriage.

• If there is a family, then there must be mutual understanding. Do not hold back emotions, do not like something - speak, then the negative will not accumulate. Try to resolve problems peacefully, otherwise the union will be invalid on an emotional level.
• It is impossible to allow someone in the family to develop faster than the other, this is especially insulting to a man. Is the business doing well? Involve your soulmate in it, do something together.
• The family must have children. You can not bring everything to an abortion.
• Talk to each other, be able not only to complain, but also to hear.

Good reasons for speedy divorce and invalidation of the union simply does not exist. Marriage can be saved almost always, the main thing is to want it. It doesn't matter if you're 20 or older, appreciate the family if you decide to build one. Everyone knows why marriages break up and what causes conflicts. You need to be able to smooth them as accurately as possible.

Attention! In connection with latest changes in legislation, the legal information in this article could be out of date! Our lawyer can advise you free of charge - write a question in the form below:

Creating a family is a very responsible step that affects further fate two people. Very often, marriages are concluded during the period of falling in love, when feelings are clouded. common sense. However, some time passes, and people who were once in love to the point of madness move away from each other, begin to notice flaws, getting annoyed over any trifles. As a result, the spouses decide to divorce, so as not to spoil each other's life. Sometimes it happens by mutual consent and sometimes in unilaterally. In any case, the dissolution of the marriage does not bode well.

The inability to compromise also very often leads to strife in family life. Source: Flickr (gurbir.grewal)

Why do people get divorced?

Statistics show that the number of divorces has increased significantly over the past 10 years. Divorces are more often initiated by women than men. And this is understandable, because the fair sex is more susceptible to emotions.

Interesting fact! Today, 57% of families terminate the marriage bond due to various reasons. That is, every third married couple is already divorced or is on the verge of family collapse.

What could be the reason for this and why are there so many divorces? The fact is that the modern pace of life is very tiring for a person, and household problems and household needs just add more stress. That is why spouses try to protect themselves from unnecessary worries by resorting to divorce. There has also been an increase in cases of early marriages when young people young age, based only on mutual feelings, create a cell of society. Naturally, after a while, passions subside, and disappointment sets in, accompanied by divorce proceedings. And this is not all the reasons for divorce. Psychologists agree that some people are at risk, as their behavior patterns and outlook on life can provoke a divorce.

Who is at risk?

The optimal age for starting a family is from 22 to 30 years. During this period, the personality has already been formed, educated, socially adapted and ready for the next step. As a rule, at this age people have some goals in life, as well as a conscious desire to start a family and continue the race, which cannot be said about young people aged 17-20 years.

Too late marriages, that is, after 30-40 years, also fall into the risk group. At this age, men and women are self-sufficient and mature individuals. It is difficult for them to show in relation to another person the flexibility and loyalty necessary for normal relationship in family. Some are not mentally ready to change their habitual way of life: sacrifice something, make concessions and be with a partner too often. The inability to compromise also very often leads to strife in family life.

Professional dedication and excessive workaholism are also very often reasons for divorce. If a spouse devotes 12 hours a day to work, forgetting about the second half and children, then quarrels and misunderstandings arise in the family. Chronic fatigue accompanied by irritability or prolonged depression, which will inevitably lead to the dissolution of marriage bonds. Therefore, many careerists believe that the family is an obstacle to achieving professional heights and self-realization.

Note! In the first 10 years, about 60% of married couples get divorced, then the trend decreases. Most difficult period family formation - the first 3 years and the appearance of the first child. If a difficult stage is passed, then, as a rule, marriage bonds are strengthened, and mutual respect and understanding come.

Marriages of convenience also lead to utter disappointment. AT recent times not uncommon to see respectable man over fifty with a young and beautiful wife. The danger of marriages of convenience is that when a person is fed up with money and entertainment, he wants emotional satisfaction in the form of love and respect, and it is not always possible to get sincere feelings.

Sociological surveys made it possible to understand and streamline the main reasons for the divorces of young and mature couples.

One of common causes divorce after 30 years of marriage is treason. Source: Flickr (Massimo_Cerrato)

The main reasons for divorce in the family

The reasons that spouses indicate during a divorce do not always correspond to reality, since sometimes parting is not entirely peaceful. No wonder there is a proverb among the people: "From love to hate is one step." The hardest thing is for those who have joint child. Children receive a huge psychological trauma because of the divorce of the parents, although this is not always shown. What factors become an insurmountable obstacle on the way to a family idyll?

• Psychological unpreparedness for marriage in 42% of cases causes the termination of family ties. This means that spouses, due to age or personal beliefs, do not respect each other, do not make concessions and do not support each other. This happens when the senses are dulled, and common interests during cohabitation did not appear.
• Alcoholism and others addictions are in second place (23% -31%). This high rate of divorce is due to the fact that constant stress at work, small wage and the impossibility of self-realization push people to abuse alcohol and drugs. A person believes that he is distracted from all pressing problems, and life is getting better on its own. In reality, this does not happen, and family life turns into a nightmare.
• adultery- the third reason why a husband and wife part forever. Lack of attention, monotony in sexual life and unstable relationship lead to the fact that one of the spouses begins to seek solace on the side. Some families turn a blind eye to outright infidelity, while others cannot live with a person who is capable of such an act. One of the most common reasons for divorce after 30 years of marriage is adultery. In more adulthood Husbands are more likely to cheat because appearance the woman with whom he tied his fate changes somewhat for the worse, and it is no longer necessary to raise children to their feet. A self-sufficient man is looking for new sensations, the instinct of a hunter wakes up. Although women also often cheat on their husbands due to lack of attention and sexual dissatisfaction.
• Lack of help at home. Unwillingness to help spouse or spouse in a decision domestic problems results in constant discontent and quarrels. In most cases, women do not put up with this state of affairs and file for divorce.
• Financial difficulties. Some couples during the period of falling in love do not think about how they will support the family and keep the budget. chronic deficiency Money for a full existence leads to internal dissatisfaction and isolation. Without enough finances, a young family cannot afford basic things: go to the cinema, go on vacation, buy the things they want. long-term financial difficulties alienate lovers from each other.
• excessive jealousy- it's not like that rare case as it might seem at first glance. Too jealous people limit the partner, depriving him of personal space. Total control may develop into paranoia, accompanied by uncontrollable anger. It is difficult to build normal family relationships with such a person.
• Sexual dissatisfaction partners. When love passions pass and ordinary life begins, then often the spouses lose interest in each other. Intimate connection becomes monotonous and does not cause much enthusiasm. This is especially true after the birth of a child. A woman is busy raising and caring for a baby, so strength and desire intimacy Hardly ever.
• Lack of children is a problem of our time. Every 3rd married couple suffers from infertility, which is why doctors recommend immediately contacting specialists to solve the problem, and not writing a divorce application. Naturally, all sane young people want to have children, but a disappointing diagnosis becomes a stumbling block for many couples in love.
• Moral oppression is a way for some people to fulfill themselves and feed their ego. At work, they cannot express their opinion or express dissatisfaction, so they bring all the negativity home, taking out their anger on the household. Constant reproaches and resentment from the spouse or spouse lead to complete disappointment and hatred. Naturally, such relationships lead to divorce proceedings.
• Physical violence. Unbalanced spouses are not able to control their emotions and dissolve their hands at the slightest quarrel. Unacceptable behavior and physical violence also contributes to the breaking of family ties. Reasons for divorce from husband this case obvious.
• Different outlooks on life are a rare problem, but there is a place for those who consider themselves self-sufficient person. Constant disagreement with the opinion of a loved one, opposing views on family values, child-rearing and other household and social problems lead to scandals.

Keep warm and tender relationship in marriage is great work! Two absolutely different person tie their lives to create their own small world understandable only to them. Do not ignore the requests of loved ones, appreciate your family and support each other. Love is always built on mutual understanding, respect and wisdom.

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Tatyana Sharanda
practical psychologist
family and marriage consultant
head of the psychological development center

The realization that you are being abandoned is hard for both women and men.

- It is very difficult to say that divorce is more difficult for someone, men or women. Firstly, it all depends on the situation, and secondly, on personal qualities each person.

Of course, if we talk about general statistics, women are more sensitive by nature, but still main factor- who left whom. There is almost always someone who has been abandoned. It's usually harder for him. The person who leaves is stronger a priori. The psychological pressure on the abandoned person can be extremely strong. Sometimes men can't cope with such situations. And often they are looking for salvation in alcohol, gambling, and so on.

But it also happens that the decision is made mutually. The ending is not always tragic.

- Of course. There are such couples, and I treat them with deep respect. Unfortunately, not everyone can agree. A good relationship between former spouses rarely saved. But people came to me who, despite the divorce, are still friends. And at the reception they were about problems with a common child.

For example, one baby showed psychological difficulties, and both parents were interested in holding him, helping him understand himself. This is a great example for others.

Get divorced, get married, get divorced again, get married again

- They say that if one of the spouses, in principle, had the idea of ​​divorce, then there is no turning back. Sooner or later there will be a break.

- And here it is impossible to speak unambiguously. The situations are different. It depends on what roles each person performs within the family, which inner self dominates.

There are couples where both he and she are teenagers inside themselves, regardless of their real age. In this case, everything is unpredictable, because for them, relationships are more like a game. In words, spouses get divorced almost every day. Gradually, even those around them get used to their scandals. There are times when people really get divorced. Then they marry again. Then they get divorced again and ... get married (laughs). This is their personal way of growing up. Often in such marriages, the child takes on the role of an adult. Paradoxically, but true! He is the most responsible and wise in the house. He had to become like this in order to at least survive.

A marriage where one of the partners plays the role of a parent can last quite a long time, as a mature person understands a lot, is not afraid to take responsibility and knows how to give in.

There are unions where husband and wife are both independent personalities, both adults. In this case, the reason for divorce is usually very serious, for example, the mismatch of the sexual constitution. When one of the partners is hyperactive, and the other intimate side life is much less interesting. Or someone has not just a fleeting relationship on the side, but strong affection, which gradually develops into true love and being together is simply unbearable.

Society no longer condemns the wife who left the family

- Based on your experience, who is more likely to initiate a divorce?

- You will probably be surprised: today it is more and more often women! They can provide for themselves financially, their parents help them, they have ambitions, personal goals, society no longer blames the wife who left the family, this has ceased to be a shame. Sometimes it is almost impossible to reach the modern Amazon. If she decides something for herself, it is difficult to stop her.

- Inner freedom is good. But is the decision to burn bridges always the right one?

- I'm probably a very conservative psychologist. Today independence and strength are promoted. However, it seems to me that you need to try to save the family to the last. Don't jump to conclusions. After all, you can regret it very much later, and it’s not always possible to return everything back.

A lot of people come to me, and with full confidence I can say that children suffer the most from the separation of their parents. This and psychological problems that accompany then into adulthood, and various diseases, the cause of which was the strongest stress on the nerves. And in adolescence and suicidal thoughts may arise. And these are not unfounded statements, but real situations that I, as a specialist, had to deal with. The psyche of children is quite flexible, but boys and girls aged 13-17 are extremely sensitive.

For 47 years, a man carried in himself a tormenting feeling of abandonment

Is it worth keeping a marriage solely for the sake of children?

- If this is not possible, I always ask parents to at least try to save warm relationship together. For children, this is important. Do not swear, do not find out in front of them who is right and who is wrong, try to come to some kind of compromise, because, as I said, the divorce situation hurts boys and girls a lot. If you do not pay attention to this in time, the pain will torment a person all his life.

Just recently I was talking to a woman who is already 47 years old. Her dad left the family when she was little. That's how the situation happened. She did not see her father. Decided on it just now. I found out the address and visited my parent, who had long ago moved to Moscow. The meeting was very warm. The father was glad of the arrival of his daughter, he showed her the capital, told about his fate. The woman admitted that only now she realized: all her life she felt inferior. And only now it became easier for her. For almost 47 years, a person carried within himself a tormenting feeling of abandonment.

- Have there been cases in your practice when people regretted that they got divorced?

- I ask about this, and usually people who are well over 35 give a positive answer to this question.

- What is the main reason?

- The connection on the side that the partner could not forgive, even if it was actually something not serious at all.

I only know three good reasons for divorce

- How to understand that a divorce is really necessary, because there are such situations?

For you to understand better, I will tell you a little story. Even under the Soviet Union, in one very serious magazine, I read a letter from a woman. It was a kind of message to all people. She wrote about her life. The narrator had a wonderful family: good husband and two children, peace and peace. But the woman began to notice that her husband began to move away - all his free time given only to children. At some point, the wife began to ask questions. The husband honestly answered that she was very dear to him and he respected her immensely, but ... only as the mother of their children, it turned out that he fell in love with another.

The woman was crying, offended, cursing. He endured and did not make excuses. The man was very attached to the children, he could not leave his family. Yes, the wife internally did not let him go. Slowly and painfully, but she still came to the realization that a person dear to her was simply dying before her eyes. A conversation took place, and they parted.

Without waiting for the morning, taking some things, he rushed to his dream. However, he was in such a hurry that he lost control and crashed. In an instant, hope and support for everyone disappeared. In the letter, she asked not to repeat her mistake, but to understand and accept the feelings of another and, no matter how painful it was, to let go.

Why this story? Love is the greatest reason. If you feel that they are not lying to you, that it makes a person leave serious feeling So, you have to come to terms with it.

The second reason is any human addiction whether it be alcohol, drugs, gambling. If a person himself is not ready to fight with himself, it is impossible to pull him out of the swamp, no matter how hard the spouse or spouse tries, they will have to drown together. Here I have a rather tough position, because this is true. Too many broken destinies. former people dependencies do not exist.

The third reason is violence. I think everyone understands this. You should not wait until the aggressor eventually cripple you physically or mentally. Pack your things, look for help, support and leave. There are always options.

I think there are three main factors. In all other cases, I advise you not to rush into a decision.

Remove pink glasses!

- Maybe you should ask yourself some questions in order to better understand what is happening in the soul?

— Without coming to a psychologist, you can go through projective techniques unfinished sentences on the topic " Family relationships". They just need to complete the sentence. It is advisable to do this together, and then exchange the results obtained, they will surprise both. Only I recommend referring to serious psychological sites.

When getting married, we often confuse expectations with reality, endowing our partner with non-existent qualities, perceiving his behavior from a position that is convenient for us at a given time. And as experience shows, taking off the “rose-colored glasses” and seeing a person from a different angle is very painful.

If the partners simply decide to talk to each other, this is already serious step forward! I take my hat off to these people. Unfortunately, more and more often couples come to me where he or she demands in an almost commanding tone: “Explain to my husband (wife) what he (she) should (should) do!” Such statements have long ceased to amaze me. Unfortunately, we hear only ourselves and our pain, without thinking about what is going on in the soul of another person. I always want to say to such people: “It's time to take off the rose-colored glasses!” Although this should have been done before marriage. If you are not ready to accept another person, then it is better not to enter into a relationship. And if they change, then only together.

Another little sketch. I often watch people. What can you do, it's work. So I remember one scene well (although it is repeated more than once in other interpretations). In the underground. The train arrived. A young couple at the station says goodbye. He kissed her, she went ahead. At the very door of the transport, the girl turned to look at the guy. But the young man had already taken out his phone and buried his nose in it. Not a very pleasant situation. The girl never got the message she hoped for.

It would seem nonsense! But it is in the little things that the truth is traced. I can predict further relations people on this one story. And my verdict will be disappointing. Relations on initial stage, but already here it is worth asking yourself whether this is the right person and whether we really need each other.

Freedom is too tempting

- Today it is fashionable to say “we took a break” when the couple decided to leave for a while, to live separately. Is this method helpful?

- I guess, yes. However, there is one thing. Freedom can be too seductive. First of all for men.

Why do problems start in marriage? AT candy-bouquet period there are no obligations. Today we met, went to the cinema, tomorrow we decided to relax. positive emotions more, and it is still too early to make any claims. And then you have to be with a person constantly, overcome obstacles together, get used to each other. And for some this is extremely difficult. So here. If you again felt the taste of freedom, there is an alluring desire to fly away forever. When the wave of joy from independence subsides, it may turn out that this freedom was not really needed.

Can you give advice on how to save a marriage?

Tell each other about your shortcomings. When I say this to my clients, their eyes widen. And yet, yes, let the man honestly say that from time to time he scatters socks all over the apartment, that he can’t hang frames on the walls, and so on, and the woman admits that she can only cook scrambled eggs, and sometimes she gets upset over trifles.

Removing the mask of ideality, we begin to move towards each other. Before marriage, both men and women often idealize a partner and expect a certain relationship in advance, and then it turns out that everything is not as beautiful as it was in dreams.

In any situation, try to have a dialogue, not a verbal duel, put yourself in the place of a partner, think, then do it. This does not always save the marriage, but, believe me, it will save your nerves and respect for each other.