How to understand if a child is lying. What should parents do if the child lies all the time? The period of active development of the imagination

In the life of each of the parents there were moments when, having asked a question to their child, they heard something indistinct in response. The question immediately arises as to whether the child is lying? In some cases, the baby can be cunning, and sometimes openly lie. Is there a way to unmask it? Psychologists have long found the answer. Behavior and gestures can say a lot about the inner world of a person. So, pay attention to the following signs. They will help determine if your child is telling the truth.

The resourcefulness of movements

There are certain movements that people always make when they tell a lie. During a conversation, they shake their heads, purse their lips, sweat, blush, touch their faces, and make involuntary movements. Of course, in children, mobility is the norm, but if you look closely, you can find unnatural movements.

inconsistencies

To check the veracity of the story, ask to repeat the same thing after a certain period of time. If the story was fictional, it will be difficult for the child to pass it on without modification. Lies are very difficult to reproduce.

Noticeable relief

Do you notice during a conversation that the child is trying to invent something, is lying to you? Try changing the subject abruptly. You will notice with what relief he sighs that he no longer needs to invent anything.

Tone change

Usually children speak quite loudly, in raised tones, or, conversely, quietly when they talk about something mysterious. If the answers to your questions sound in a tense, nervous intonation, you will hear how the child is trying to restrain himself and speak in a calm, restrained tone. This will betray his lie in the story.

Eye contact

This symptom largely depends on the age of the child. A little liar can tell you stories and still look away. A baby's eyes can't lie, so kids often turn them away. Older children, teenagers feel more confident in life and maybe even impudently. On principle, they can look you straight in the eyes for a long time and at the same time tell a lie.

Blink speed

Non-verbal behavior researchers have noticed that liars change their blink speed. At first, they may stare for a long time, and then begin to blink rapidly. Someone refutes this sign. In any case, it is worth watching the baby.

Best defense is attack

In some cases, children behave this way if they feel guilty about themselves and do not know how to behave correctly in the current situation.

They begin to react sharply already to the first question about what happened, the behavior may be a little inadequate. Parents are immediately aware of this.

excuses

There is also the opposite situation, when the child begins to make excuses from the first words. He immediately tries to make himself innocent of his offense and speaks as if defending himself.

Hello, Tatyana! How can you teach a child to lie? I'm tired of lies, my son is 7 years and 10 months old. - lies constantly, problems are constantly with this. He ate a candy, said: “I drank water”, did something - hid it or blamed it on someone. And also, how to relate to the fact that the child insults the mother. This makes me angry. It started at the age of 5. Thank you. Lyudmila.

Hello Ludmila.

When a child cheats, it shocks every loving parent who wants his son or daughter to grow up to be honest and truthful people...

I think you are no exception.

If you look at the developmental psychology of preschool age, then in the period from 1 to 2.5-3 years old, children do not know how to lie, since thought processes: analysis and synthesis of information, generalization and conclusion are available at an older age.

From about the age of 2, imagination develops powerfully, children begin to see causal relationships between objects and events. Creativity helps them come up with games, create stories and develop them, which naturally leads to inventing everything that surrounds them or what happens to them. Such fantasies are considered the norm.

The problem arises when parents misinterpret the motive of the child, incorrectly determine the reason for such behavior without taking into account his psychological state. And they hurry with the stigma: “liar”, “liar”, “deceiver” ...

I will write about the most common reasons that a child is lying, and you try to analyze which of them has caused your son's behavior to a greater extent.

1. The child is lying (in the parental sense), fantasizing, those. embellishing or distorting certain actions / events happening around him or with him, in order to give free rein to his imagination, to be in a fairy-tale world, to feel the owner of special qualities of character, etc.

This includes children's writings and stories about his heroism, about how he went somewhere, did something outstanding. As a rule, these are children - preschoolers. Their fantasies should not be regarded as deception. The child sincerely believes in his fairy tale and is upset when adults do not believe him. For example, a boy can “show” mom and dad how he easily fights invisible opponents (hands are empty) and say that he has a magic sword. In addition, in a stressful environment, a fictional fairy tale helps the child relieve tension.

The best tactic would be to play along with the baby, the answer to his statements: “Really? and what happened next?…." and a soft conclusion from the realm of fantasy to reality - so closer to the age of 6-7 years, he gradually begins to separate his fairy tale from reality and agree with the adult.

But if parents already at this age begin to resent children's fantasies, rudely pulling back: “well, don’t lie!” - children quickly withdraw and withdraw from communication. In the future, they may consider themselves deceivers, because mom or dad constantly talked about it. This is how involuntary programming for the role of a liar is carried out.

2. The child lies to avoid some unpleasant event or to defend yourself from accusations and screaming. This includes both unconscious lies (up to 5-6 years old) and conscious lies (over 6 years of age). Moreover, in the first variant, there is often a substitution or shifting of one's responsibility to another character. Like from a cartoon about Masha and a jar of jam - if you remember, the girl did not want to confess to her grandmother who ate the jam and blamed the cat.

The second option is more difficult. The child understands that by telling a lie, he will delay or avoid an unpleasant event in the form of indignation, screams of parents or physical punishment with a belt, that he will experience less anxiety and stress, etc. For him, deception becomes a saving way out, a kind of benefit.

In this case, parents need to reconsider their attitude towards their son or daughter, their rules and prohibitions, are they too strict and is the psychological situation in the family comfortable enough? And how do they communicate with him, what intonation in his voice: calm, soulful or cold, what facial expression ...?

When things are not going well in the family, mom yells at dad and vice versa, when parents often yell at the child and there is a possibility of an emotional breakdown - children use lies precisely to get away from the “thunderstorm” in the house, from the displeased look of their mother ...

Often parents tell him the following phrase: “Well, just tell the truth - and nothing will happen to you! And if you cheat, we will punish!” Unfortunately, with this remark, parents not only do not wean themselves from lying, but also create additional difficulties for themselves. Indeed, on the one hand, if I have done something and tell the truth, I won’t get anything for it, can I continue to be outrageous? And on the other hand, if I lie, they will find out for a long time whether it was a lie or not, and they will forget about the offense itself.

3. Child lies to stand out in the circle of peers or to gain some advantage over the rest. So it was with a 6-year-old girl who told everyone in the yard what a wonderful dad she had, buys her toys, takes her for a walk and rides a bicycle with her (the girl does not have a dad).

In this case, the girl's basic needs for encouragement, care, protection and safety are not met. she feels insecure about something. Having told a lie, such a child, as it were, is being implanted into a more prosperous or successful image invented by him, so as not to experience even greater disappointment.

Parents need to think about the area in which their children are experiencing difficulties and help to overcome them. And if this difficulty is not resolved by ordinary means, show the child how he can become successful in another area. For example, after a broken leg, a boy could not compete equally with his peers at distances, and this greatly depressed him. Therefore, he told everyone that he was not interested in competitions, they did not care. But the father, having recognized his son's depression in time, taught him to play volleyball and the boy became a leader in this game.

4. The child lies because everyone in the family lies. Unfortunately, this happens all the time. For example, a father asks his son, who answered the phone, not to say that he is at home. Or a mother in communication with a girlfriend in every possible way praises her dress, hairstyle, and in her absence frankly laughs at her bad taste. Or the child was promised to go with him to the circus and did not go.

Duplicity in communication, in actions is fertile ground for the flourishing of children's deceit. In this case, parents need to seriously monitor their conversations, promises, so as not to create situations where deception is encouraged by adults themselves.

5. The child lies because there is no trust in the parents or he is offended by them. This is a kind of revenge so that parents feel “on their own skin” how uncomfortable their son or daughter is and pay attention to them. This may include defiant behavior, a display of disobedience, deceit in the simplest obvious things. Up to the transition to personalities: “Mom, you are bad…” “Dad, you never understand me….” “you…” – and further rude unprintable expressions.

As a rule, such behavior in a child causes anger in the parent and an acute desire to teach him a lesson. But this tactic leads to a split and deep misunderstanding between the child and parents. In this case, you need to cool down yourself, look at the situation from the outside and track over time what exactly led to such results in behavior. Very often, the roots lie precisely in relationships. After all, this behavior was not always the case. When mutual understanding returns, trust begins to grow. When it is strengthened, the desire to deceive and lie will lose all meaning.

Open insults are related to the same problem as lack of trust. Or rather, when there is no parental respect and authority (the child does not see them). This side needs to be considered more deeply, starting with the relationship between spouses. Do they support each other's parental authority over the child? Are there situations where mom ignores dad and vice versa?

6. The child lies for the sake of a red word. Such children have a great need for verbal expression of themselves. They are also called talkers, because the mouth does not close for a minute. These children willingly talk about themselves, compose new stories, like to talk with adults, love to sing. Having revealed such artistic tendencies in your child, it would not be superfluous to think about the development of voice and plasticity of movements: to give it to a drama club, dance, vocal, etc., where the need for self-expression will be in demand.

And finally, what to pay attention to. The crisis period of 7 years of age is often accompanied by instability in the emotional-volitional sphere. Plus, a completely new way of life for a student is superimposed on this. Children are more likely to be capricious, commit rash acts, rebel against old rules and restrictions. This whole cocktail, along with a powerful physiological restructuring of the body, gives uncontrolled behavior. In other words, it is difficult for the child himself and for his parents, too.

Therefore, be attentive to your son, first look for points of understanding, determine what exactly he needs and learn to cooperate together, to negotiate.

Look at your reflection in the mirror while communicating with your son - you may be shocked by your facial expression :). But children read the lion's share of information about the world of feelings and relationships precisely through the visual channel. Listen to your voice recorded on the recorder when you say something or demand - how can you be called a warm and trustworthy interlocutor? All this can be corrected, corrected and get good results.

If you can't figure it out on your own, you can always sign up.

Raising our children, we try to provide them with a bright future, to raise them as worthy people, full of love, caring for others, openness, kindness, honesty ... By the way, honesty is a good quality of a person, which, in fact, is very difficult to adhere to.

Perhaps there is no such family, inside which everyone always speaks only the pure truth, admit it, you also deceive someone sometimes, even for the sake of good, because you cannot be called a liar. What about children? They are still inventors and deceivers, and when a child begins to lie to adults, they, of course, guess sooner or later. But with a hunch comes anxiety: why do children lie? Where did I not finish watching and what reason did I give?

It's all lies

Children's lies, and lies in general, are a very controversial topic. Psychologists and specialists have been trying for many years and are still trying to understand its nature, because in its essence it is not natural for a person to lie. Born into this world, we have to learn a lot of things that we still cannot, the art of deception is one of them. And we learn from the example of our own kind.

Children also learn to be cunning only when they grow up, and the older the baby, the more skillfully he does it, we have to admit. Some by the age of 10-12 manage to lie so plausibly, achieving their own goals, creating problems in the family and confusing their parents.

If we consider the very concept of children's lies from the point of view of psychology, then we can find out a lot of interesting things. There is even a separate concept of “the phenomenon of children's lies”, which explains the age-related feature of “embellishing” reality or presenting one's fantasies as real things. Actually, most experts do not interpret children's deception as a lie as such, referring to all the same age characteristics.

Therefore, when determining the causes of children's lies, one should ask oneself: “What do we mean by this concept? What's the point?". It is more clearly explained in the following example: the baby resorts to his mother with an admiring look and excitedly talks about the fact that he played with the real, for example, Smesharik, who came to visit him directly from the TV and wanted to be friends. Mom, of course, realized that the child was talking about things that did not really happen, that is, the child was deceiving. What might the mother do next? She can scold him for lying, perhaps punish him.

Can ignore, they say, yeah, Smesharik, cool. Can play along: “Really real! How lucky you are! ”, And a lot of other options for the development of events. We will not dwell on the discussion of the correctness of further actions, but we will focus on something else: at its core, it seems to us that the baby deceived his mother by telling a lie. But, from another point of view, this is not a true lie in its direct understanding, since the child perceives his fantasies as real and, without a twinge of conscience, admiringly tells about this to a loved one. This is an age feature, it is quite normal.

Another example: a child accidentally broke, say, his father's mobile phone. Of course, this was soon revealed and to the question: “Who did this?”, The child, picking the toe of his boot on the floor, answers: “younger brother, cat, it itself or is silent at all, they say, I don’t even know.” What do you think about this? In this case, the lie is the most natural - the kid consciously told a lie, knowing that he was lying.

A thousand reasons

Having dealt a little with the peculiarity of children's deception, the question still remains open: the reasons why the baby consciously hides something remain blurry. Psychologists identify several main and most common causes of deception in children, and they are directly related to age.

Fear of punishment

Perhaps the most common case, this includes the case with dad's phone above, and many examples from your life. Remember yourself as a child, you probably did the same. In isolated cases, children (at an older age, already schoolchildren) find the courage to confess their deed and tell the truth. At the same time, a lie due to fear of punishment can be different: a child can consciously say deliberately false things, or he can not tell, keep silent, hide. At the same time, both children and adults interpret the severity of such misconduct in different ways. Parents are firmly convinced that silence and lies are equivalent, while the younger generation does not consider deception as such, if simply not telling the truth.

The cases are different, the child can do something by accident, unintentionally or plan everything in advance, but the result will be the same - a lie. And the reason for this lie is precisely the fear of punishment, disapproval and parental anger. The kid may admit that perhaps you will not punish him at all, maybe you do not punish your children too severely in principle, but on a subconscious level, the child prefers to hide the truth than to see your reaction;

Fear of embarrassment or embarrassment

It borders on the growing up of a child and the definition of one's own personal space, but at the same time it is explained by the desire not to look like a laughing stock in the eyes of others;

Manipulation

A growing child understands cause and effect relationships and tries different behaviors. For example, he knows that if he does not eat his lunch, his mother will not reward him with something delicious, but if he says that he has eaten everything (when in fact he has not), he will be able to get the desired sweetness. This variant of lying can also be considered one of the most common, let alone some adults resort to this method from time to time. But in the case of children, this is due to age thinking. Something like: “yeah, if I do this and don’t get what I want, then I will say this and then I will achieve my goal”;

Lack of attention or overprotection

They can play a role in becoming a little liar, but this is true of both school-age children and teenagers. Children whose parents devote not enough time or less time to them than the kid himself would like, begin to consciously lie to their parents about their wonderful deeds, so that mom or dad would praise them or at least somehow pay attention to him.

By the way, excessive attention from elders works in a similar way: a grown-up child learns to lie, isolating the boundaries of personal space and fighting for his own independence. Remember yourself at 13-14 years old? Did you want to report to your parents thoroughly where you are, with whom you walked in the yard? A child can lie anything, as long as you leave him in your world. Alone;

Failure to meet expectations

He brings up a little liar, I will say more, it is you who bring him up like that, having charged him with duties and expectations that or which, due to his age, talents or abilities, he cannot fulfill or achieve. Do you want to be proud of an excellent student, but your child’s studies are lame, and your tomboy explains all his triples by the picky teachers? Do you understand the reason? Or here's an example: an authoritarian-style mother strictly condemns diligent drawings in the margins of notebooks, once again forcing (precisely forcing) her daughter to go to the piano. Yes, she does not want a piano it! She would like to be an artist. And, of course, to my mother’s question about practicing this hated piano, the daughter will lie, saying that yes, she did, although instead she fantasized with pencils on a sheet of paper;

Wrong parenting tactics and problems in the family

Agree, it’s stupid to expect honest conversations from a child if you allow yourself to deceive someone in his presence, even if for good or a joke. If a child grows up in an insincere environment, in which it is considered normal to hide something from a loved one, then he will copy the behavior of his parents, and here, for obvious reasons, an honest person will not grow up in any way.

Another situation is if mom and dad are seriously discussing divorce and the child understands perfectly well what's what. Feigning illness, inventing monsters under the bed, or telling a lie, he tries in all possible ways to collect the fragments of his dear family again into a single whole; desire to appear better or more successful. Such a seemingly harmless lie is akin to boasting. I recently observed a very striking example: a group of children aged 10-12 are playing on the playground and seeing a sports convertible passing nearby, admiringly follow it with their eyes. After a second pause, one guy declares: “So-so device, my uncle in St. Petersburg has such a cool car, 3 times more expensive than this one.”

Another boy retorts him: “My sister’s husband is generally a bank director, he has three such cars, he will give me one when I grow up.” Of course, a short “battle of authority” followed, but I understood perfectly well that there were no rich uncles, cars and banks. Children love to embellish reality in order to appear more weighty, more authoritative in the eyes of their peers;

Lies for good

Sometimes we do the same, trying to establish contact with a stranger, rejoice at a gift we don’t like, or shield a friend by lying about him. Children do the same in some cases. At the same time, if you ask the opinion of the children themselves, then most of them believe that such lies are justified and have a positive meaning.

Age and deceit

As mentioned earlier, we are not born to cheat, it is not included in the list of our basic instincts. The child begins to realize that he can only say imaginary things by the age of 4. Until that moment, a baby who has mastered speech cannot lie. No, he can lie, for example, if he took a toy and said that he did not take it (and he has it in his hands), but he does not realize that he is deceiving.

Awareness of a lie comes with the development of both speech and mental. A survey among kindergarten teachers showed that when observing their wards, teachers noted: in the senior and preparatory groups, children lie more often and consciously.

However, some studies by foreign psychologists suggest that kids can lie (in their full understanding) even at a more innocent age, much earlier than their parents can imagine. Experiments and a survey of parental opinion showed that some three-year-olds are capable of deception, fully understanding what the fables say. However, they often admit that they lied, and a curious feature was revealed: boys are more honest than girls.

Crossing the five-year milestone, children can already evaluate their actions and the actions of the people around them, they understand the consequences of their actions. Moreover, a five-year-old child understands very well that it is bad to lie. It is very curious that, growing up, he ceases to adhere to this opinion and can argue about whether it is good to lie.

Approaching the threshold of rapid puberty, the child rethinks his opinion about lies, while becoming quite skilled in it. High school students lie more skillfully, like adults, and if you ask them about the consequences of such an act, they fear not so much punishment as loss of trust from their relatives. At the same time, they perfectly understand when they deceive themselves, which sometimes leads to intra-family conflicts.

At the same time, the complexity of the teenage period lies in their denial of established rules, breaking the system and separating their independence. They desperately want to cope with everything on their own, resorting to all existing methods to do this: from lying to their parents to running away from home.

What to do if the child is lying? This seems to be the first reasonable question that arises in the mind of a mother or father after convicting his child of a lie. Someone is looking for reasons in the imperfection of their educational methods, someone complains about the influence of friends, someone is looking for a reason in something else. In this case, one advice suggests itself: to reconcile. Children will deceive you from time to time throughout your life, this is human nature. In the end, try the situation on yourself: are you ready to constantly speak only the truth and is it advisable? We tell lies from time to time, trying not to hurt the feelings of loved ones, protect us from trouble, avoid negative consequences, strengthen our influence, etc. In fact, we are not much different from children, except that there are practically no more influential people over us (except for the authorities, perhaps).

But resigning does not mean at all encouraging such antics. It is impossible to wean a child once and for all from lying, as if in that movie with Jim Carrey, and you understand this. But it is possible to stop such behavior, try to minimize unpleasant cases, and, as practice shows, it turns out quite well.

The tips below are the result of scientific research on lying in childhood, the vast experience of millions of parents, and personal notes.

Start with yourself

After all, we are well aware that by personal example we set a model for the behavior of our child. Do not provoke situations in the family that force you to cheat. Let the child understand your attitude towards untruth, how you do not love it and that this is not good. Let him roll his eyes and click on the well-known truth, but repetition is the mother of learning. It is difficult to be an example - after all, you yourself have to keep a certain bar, try "not to fall into the dirt on your face." Even if you had to lie in the presence of a child, be sure to comment and explain why you had to do it that way. Of course, this is easier said than done, but think of it as working on yourself together.

Talk to your child, especially at school age

Incredibly, even the most unsociable and seemingly closed children will talk heart to heart with a loved one with pleasure. Show that you can be trusted and trust is a very important and valuable thing. By breaking a promise, deceiving or hiding the truth, this trust can be undermined, and this is unpleasant. Moreover, restoring the former trust is very difficult, and sometimes impossible. Tell your child about this. Loss of trust for teens is a great motivator to be honest.

When talking about wrongdoing, emphasize that you are very upset by such behavior and do not approve of it. Offer to solve this problem together, ask the child's opinion, about his motives, let him speak in a calm manner.

And in a good way, you can negotiate. Encourage your child to tell the truth, because when he knows that he will not “fly in” or when he keeps his promise, then he will not have to quarrel with his parents. A very interesting and effective way: the introduction of a system of fines. They say that in practice this works very well, stimulating the child not only not to lie, but also to understand the consequences of his misconduct. For example, for a prank or a lie, a child loses for some time pocket money, entertainment, and takes on additional responsibilities around the house.

Of course, avoid corporal punishment, otherwise there can be no question of trust and understanding on the part of the child. If you decide to punish a child in the old way, then do it on business and in proportion to the offense. It will seem unfair to a child if you put him under house arrest for a month if he says that he has finished his soup, when in fact he has not.

Pay due attention and spend free time with your child

Of course, with teenagers it will be more difficult to implement, but even they sometimes do not mind going to the cinema or for a walk. With younger children, this works with a bang, because they are still very attached to their parents. Encouraging them, turning their desires and dreams into reality, you not only strengthen your relationship, you do a lot to shape the personality of the child and his inner harmony. The kid will less often embellish reality, boasting to his peers, if he is not deprived of parental attention and receives the cherished sooner or later. But in such cases, we should all remember the “golden mean” rule, because excessive guardianship leads to the fact that the child tries to break out and win back independence, including using deception.

Do not impose unbearable tasks and goals on the child

After all, having eradicated the main reason, you will no longer force the child to deceive. Take him as he is, even if he did not inherit your artistic talents and sees himself in a different field. Do not try to embody your unrealized dreams in your children, let him go his own way, because your child is unique in something of his own, so let him show it.

Conclusion

Nobody canceled the difficulties of raising children. Sooner or later, we all face deception on the part of our children, moreover, a kind of “truth serum” does not exist, there is no universal method for how to wean a child from lying, but you can make sure that the child does not see the need to do this.

Understand clearly what a lie is and how it differs from children's fiction. Do not judge or punish the child for his fantasies and flight of creative thoughts, do not take into account the so-called “lie for good”, because you yourself often practice this. Childish boasting to each other also does not require severe censure, but it is necessary to take note of this. The best option is a conversation and an attempt to understand what is wrong, what the child does not like in his life.

There are pathological liars among children, they lie non-stop and even when it makes no sense. This is a case for a psychologist, this must be fought. In other cases, everything largely depends on your behavior and parental wisdom. Good luck!

The concept of a healthy atmosphere in the family also includes the factor of normal relations between close people, when they do not need to hide something from each other, lie, dodge. But what if the child is lying? The problem is serious and often entails global consequences, but try to pull yourself together and delve into the causes of this phenomenon.

Understanding when a child is telling a lie is usually quite simple. Only by the age of seven or eight do children (and even then not all) become excellent actors, but even then they unconsciously show lies. The child does not look into your eyes, sometimes his hand reaches for his mouth or touches his face, he coughs or pulls his ear. Another characteristic gesture is hiding his hands in his pockets or laying them behind his back. Of course, attentive parents will notice not only these, but also other manifestations of uncharacteristic behavior.

Punish immediately? Too simple and also not always fair. Let go of emotions. You need to make wise decisions about your actions. A child's lies show a lack of trust in you. Consider whether this behavior is not your fault.

The child is deceiving: possible causes

We all know very well that sometimes, in order to make your life easier and avoid all sorts of trouble, you need to lie. This, if you like, is one of the manifestations of the instinct of self-preservation. Lies are a means by which you can protect yourself, especially if there are only prohibitions around. You can derive some benefit from it, adequately get out of adverse situations, stop contacts with unwanted personalities. And you can use it to attack someone. So what is a lie - maybe a stereotype of behavior that we simply adopt from our environment?

Lies as a signal of problems

No one is born a liar, this is not a character trait inherent in nature. Think about why children lie: it's how they can signal to us that things aren't going well in their lives. Do not rush to punish yourself for not instilling moral values ​​in your offspring, not teaching you to respect your elders. The reason may not be that he does not respect you or does not love you. There are a lot of motives. And here are just a few of them.

• "Probing the soil". The son or daughter is eager to understand how you will respond to deception.
• Self Defense. The child wants to avoid punishment for unsightly deeds, ridicule or "universal shame."
• The desire to impress, attract attention, evoke emotions. Everything is used: from "my uncle is a celebrity" to "dad hurts me all the time."
• Manipulation. A child may tell one adult that another allows him to do something when in fact it is forbidden.
• Fantasy. The least harmless and disinterested form of deceit, a game, fun - moreover, useful for development.

So, the more "dangers", prohibitions, the more embarrassing to tell the truth - the more you need to come up with tricks. These are quite natural reasons for children's lies.

Sometimes lies can be justified. But if a lie is aimed at harming someone, if it is vile slander, intrigues, the essence of which the child himself understands, this can and should be fought. But only without arranging interrogations and without “extorting” the truth. If the son or daughter really did not want to harm someone, you need to figure out what exactly prevents their frankness with loved ones.

The child is afraid

The most common reason why a child lies is fear. Children are afraid that they will be punished, humiliated. They are able to painfully experience even because of such things that seem to us trifles. They are afraid to upset or disappoint, or even become rejected, unloved. Is it because the parents threaten: “If you do this, I won’t love you anymore!”? And this means - mutual understanding is broken.

Perhaps a toddler or teenager is judged when they would like support and love. Perhaps even for a small offense they are severely punished. Maybe they just want to be sure that they are not indifferent to their family. If the sense of security and trust is undermined, you will find that the child is constantly lying. At the same time, he often does not think about the consequences at all, and lying becomes an absolutely natural occupation for him.

bad example of elders

Seeing in what strained relations the relatives are, the child willy-nilly finds himself between two fires, as he communicates with both of them, loves them all, but understands that they are too dissatisfied with communicating with each other. Naturally, he begins to “assent” to the opinion of the side on which he is currently located. Because it is important for him not to become an object of hatred, and he just adjusts.

If you think it's right to sometimes lie in front of children (while they clearly understand that you are telling a lie) - do not be surprised why children lie. They imitate adults and sincerely believe that lying does not mean doing something out of the ordinary.

Save or take revenge

Even in fairy tales, villains can be shown a different path so that they do not overtake the fleeing heroes. Children are quite capable of "white lies", and from a very early age (from about four years old). And if they compose not just to shield themselves or someone, but really want to protect someone, one can hardly blame them for this. Another thing is whether the one they are trying to protect is worth such actions.

It happens that a child lies because it seems to him that he is not loved. Lying becomes a kind of revenge for the "missed" love. In addition, if children feel rejected, unwanted, they may try to attract attention and somehow stand out from the rest, even if they receive a negative reaction from their parents, up to severe punishment. This will repeat itself over and over again. It sounds like masochism, but some kids actually get attention in this way.

Age of lies: children and teenagers

Initially, kids do what they want or like, without thinking about how right it is. It is up to adults to correctly explain when actions do not correspond to the norm, and to tell why. Scolding and scandals can only achieve that the child can begin to lie at an unexpectedly early age. This whole complex story begins with the usual attempt to hide bad deeds so as not to be punished.

Already at the age of 5, kids have a well-developed "internal monologue", they can modify their thoughts, while writing details well. They already imagine what can be said, what should be kept silent, and what should be told in a completely different way. “What can I do so that they don’t scold me anymore? - the kid thinks. “What do I need to say to be praised?” Children begin to lie much more often, and it becomes more difficult to bring them to clean water, especially since children can influence their peers or adults who treat them well - they will voluntarily or involuntarily take part in deception.

At school age (7 years+), kids lie even more convincingly. Psychologists attribute this to an increase in vocabulary and the development of the brain in general. In addition, children's insight should not be underestimated: it is already clear to the child how other people think and are guided by. The lies are getting more sophisticated. By the age of eight or nine, your child can lie in such a way that it is sometimes impossible to expose him. Telling all sorts of fables to relatives, friends, classmates, the child not only feels like a hero, he more and more believes in what he says. This creates a kind of alternative reality that can be controlled - in contrast to some threatening, incomprehensible external circumstances.

At the age of 10, a young dreamer realizes that adults make too high demands on him, “make an elephant out of a fly” and periodically humiliate him (including in front of others) with moralizing and lectures. Already at this time, the child is not so much afraid of punishment as he wants to escape from obsessive control, show his independence or defend himself. At the same time, deep in his soul, he is still looking for recognition and support. He knows that if his parents notice his lies, it means that they are not indifferent to him.

At this age, “high expectations” are often placed on children. Fear of disappointing loved ones, confidence that the future depends on behavior and grades - this is what pushes "exemplary" schoolchildren to lie. Realizing that they do not live up to expectations, they protect themselves from the overwhelming burden of responsibility.

The teenager wants more freedom, a kind of autonomy. He again creates for himself another reality that he can control, his private life. Not always at this age, a lie is something monstrous - when forming a personal space, a boy or girl wants to let only “chosen ones” into it, and this is a sign of growing up.

A rebellious teenager wants to be independent and does not want to be accountable to anyone, even to his parents, where he is and what he does. Even if lying was not a “constant practice” before, parents may be surprised to find that their growing offspring are lying more and more often. He is silent, denies the obvious, shields his friends (in his opinion, this is quite noble).

The child steals and lies - again keep negative emotions to yourself. Stay alone with your child. Give a negative assessment of his act, but at the same time remind you that you are not going to fight with the person you love very much. Outline the consequences, tell how upset someone who has lost a thing or money can be, how his plans are now ruined. Analyze the situation in as much detail as possible, encourage the child to talk: he must see that they want to listen to him. If thefts and lies are repeated - be patient. None of us are perfect. Talk again and explain that the well-being of your loved one is very important to you. Please advise how you can fix what you've done. And if he is clearly waiting for punishment - just forgive.

If you are facing similar problems, think of a child:

• does he feel that he is deprived of something;
• do you and other family members pay enough attention to him;
• whether you consider his opinion and interests;
• are you controlling him too much (so that he wants to defend himself from obsession);
• Are you keeping your promises?

Remember: the habits of youth will only develop and improve over the years, and already an adult will rather seek to dodge than stand his ground.

Here are some tips from psychologists on how to teach a child to be honest. Be prepared for the fact that you will have to hear the truth from him about your relationship. Encourage people to talk about their feelings in general and about you in particular, and, of course, the impressions should not be only positive. Otherwise, the desire to hide your emotions is again not true. Don't form this vicious circle.

1. Be a fair realist and give such an opportunity to a child. Instead of creating a row, calmly communicate that you know the truth, but that you are worried and wondering how you can help. Sincerely tell your child that you love him, and he does not need to try to make up something that was not there in order to deserve a good attitude. Lying is asking for support and love, not punishment. And in general, one cannot reduce all communication with children only to some rules of obedience, thus making them “convenient” for oneself.
2. Say "I know you lied because you didn't mean to upset me". Or: "I see that you accidentally, you did not want to." And continue: "But it would be better if you told the truth, because I get very upset because of the lies." Thus, you show that you understand the motive behind the lie, and this must be expressed aloud so that the child correctly understands what is happening and your adequate reaction.
3. The importance of being honest should be shown by example. Remember that children do not just imitate you and learn patterns of behavior - they want to be like you. Prove that there is nothing shameful in confessing what you have done. Always praise for honesty, say that trust, respect is above all and losing it is very bad.
4. Is the child showing off, making up stories? Spend more time with him, pay more attention. When talking about his behavior, don't get personal. And do not hang labels like "liar", "deceiver". After all, the “bad” is not the person himself, his act is bad.

It is important to create an atmosphere in which no one wants to cheat. Isn't it wonderful when everyone can trust each other with a secret, any actions can be discussed and count on help! The most serious misdeeds necessarily have an underlying reason that cannot be seen unless you try to talk. Talk about yourself - how you yourself regulate unpleasant situations, meet with defeats, problems, how you correct your mistakes. Take an interest in the lives of children. If you had to lie in front of children, be sure to explain why you did it, what guided you.

In other words, be honest yourself, and you won't have to think about how to wean your child from lying. Encourage the truth, especially when it is very difficult to tell. Treat everything with understanding, explain what is bad and what is good. Think about what needs to be changed to solve the problem. This is the key to a good, trusting relationship between you and your child - both in the present and in the future!

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Children up to 3-4 years old do not know how to lie at all, there is simply no need for this. Toddlers perceive the world with simplicity and honesty peculiar only to them. It doesn’t even occur to them that they need to hide something from their parents. And only after four years the child begins to analyze the events happening to him and ask himself questions: “Why was I punished today? How could this have been avoided? What do I need to do to once again evoke Mom's tenderness and Dad's encouragement? He goes to little tricks to get around all the parental "no". Think about it: when you come back from a walk, how often do you “unload” your offspring’s pockets full of stones and, despite tearful beliefs that they are magical and “really needed”, throw the stones into the garbage chute simply because you don’t want to litter the apartment? Remember how you constantly “pull out” an enthusiastic kid from his game with the words “go paint in the kitchen” because your favorite series starts. Of course, the child is obliged to fulfill certain requirements, but they must take into account his, and not just your interests. Otherwise, you run the risk of inducing your child to look for "workarounds" in order to prove to you the importance and legitimacy of your desires, in other words, to lie.

You are the one to blame

Psychologists say that parents often provoke the first lie themselves. Surely you will say: “Not me!” But remember, aren’t you, when you find your baby’s soiled dress, hidden in fear by her under the sofa, with a sly expression on your face you ask: “Honey, where is the sarafan that your grandmother brought you yesterday?” Thus, you yourself put the child in a situation where he needs to lie and dodge! It's better to say, "Honey, I found your dirty dress. It's okay - we'll clean it, but from now on, be careful and tell me about the stain right away. It's easier to clean it fresh. Then the trust and gratitude of the crumbs will become the grain from which the honesty and decency of an adult will grow later.

Imaginary achievements of the "genius"

Do you know whose kids lie the most? The offspring of parents who dream of raising geniuses, young Olympians and other superhumans from their crumbs become liars. They expect too much from the child, and he is simply unable to justify these hopes. And then the kid, in order not to upset his mother, begins to think that he was the best in the group today or that he was very praised at the music school. And at the slightest success, he inflates it to universal proportions in order to arouse approval.

Therefore, when thinking about the next mega-achievement for your child, evaluate whether you have set the bar too high. Or maybe you should just praise the baby more often, then he will not have a reason to lie to seek your favor.

Vraki offended child

The desire to hide your insecurities and resentment is another reason for children's lies. For example, you can hear a story about how your offspring heroically dealt with the neighbor's bully Nikita, who taunts him all the time. Even if you know that everything was completely different, do not rush to stop his lies - the son is simply trying in his fantasy to restore justice, which he lacks in reality. This fiction is a kind of self-therapy for the child. After listening to his version of events, support the kid, but do not forget to note that great heroes are loved and respected, including for the fact that they always tell the truth.

Lies out of politeness

When you teach a child to say "thank you", "please" or "goodbye", you instill in him natural politeness skills - this is certainly a good thing. It's another matter if, meeting at the door a friend whom your child for some reason dislikes, you insist "immediately kiss Aunt Katya." Your baby has every right to his own likes and dislikes. Letting him know that his feelings do not bother you and he is obliged to love everyone without exception, you doom your treasure to hypocrisy, calling it politeness. Realizing that the truth upsets mom, your child can get used to lying with or without reason. Think for yourself: why is sincerity needed if it entails punishment and reproaches?

For profit

“Mommy, there are 4 fives in the diary in two days. You said that if I brought a good mark every day, I could go to the cinema on Saturday!” But, joyfully studying the diary of an excellent student, you suddenly discover a barely visible wear at the place of assessment and understand: you are being deceived! Not only did your "good boy" skillfully correct "3" to "5", but he also, without batting an eyelid, demands encouragement from you! It is quite understandable that the first desire in such a situation is to remember the father's belt. Keep calm. Of course, punishment is appropriate here, but it must be done without losing your temper. Screaming and assault will only frighten the child, and in the end he will not understand what he was guilty of. Strictly but calmly explain to little Munchausen that deceit in your relationship is unacceptable, so he will never achieve what he wants. Naturally, there can be no question of any trip to the cinema.

And do not confuse self-serving lies with deceit caused by fear of punishment for a bad grade. Of course, it is necessary to demand academic performance from the child, but this should not be done with a whip, but rather with a carrot! “Honey, we will survive this D on the test, although I am very upset. Tell me what exactly is not working for you - I will help or talk to the teacher so that he can work with you ”- this is the correct reaction to the incident. The child will understand that he can count on your support. Therefore, henceforth, having received a bad mark, instead of erasing it with an eraser, he will try to correct the deuce in a legal way: by rewriting the control or earning a lot of fives after. After all, mom will not punish, but help!

Dreamer's fantasies

If your child tells you an exciting story about his adventures at the North Pole or surprises you with a description of a new friend - a troll living in the yard under a tree, do not rush to catch young Munchausen in a lie! Any fantasy of a baby, if it does not pursue selfish goals, is not a lie, but a manifestation of emotions. Moreover, by analyzing your child's "incredible adventures", you can find out what he lacks in reality. After all, innocent inventions are a coded request, a transparent hint made so that parents can turn a dream into reality. The ideal reaction to such a fantasy is understanding and participation, not censure and condemnation. Hearing from the baby: “Today I swam in the sea,” just say: “I know that you really want to go south, and we will definitely go there.” Needless to say, you will have to fulfill this promise?

But childhood fantasies can be fraught with danger. If stunning stories are not accompanied by real achievements, instead of real successes, the kid continues to surprise others with fables about his brilliant victories, and he himself prefers to sit on the couch and watch cartoons from morning to evening - you have a chance to get a slacker with exorbitant ambitions in the future. In this case, try to offer your child a "real deal." It could be a sport or a theater studio.

Expert opinion

Svetlana Konovalenko, child psychologist, Ph.D., speech therapist of the highest category:

Often parents easily forget the promises made to the baby in a hurry, and assume that the child does the same. But in vain. Believe me, he remembers well that yesterday his mother swore to go out only for a minute, but she herself left him with her grandmother for the whole day! Or, for example, after an unpleasant conversation with a neighbor, being very annoyed, you convince the baby that you are not angry. Or you throw to your husband going to the phone: “If it’s me, I’m already out!” Think you are not setting the best example for your child. As a rule, the baby begins to lie, simply imitating his parents.

Signs that your child is lying to you:

• When telling something or answering a question, the baby brings his hands to his lips, as if covering his mouth with them. Psychologists explain this gesture as a subconscious attempt to "keep the lie out of your mouth."
• When telling a lie, the child tries not to look you in the eye.
• Often coughs when talking.
• Asks and repeats the question you asked.
• Unconsciously touches the nose.
• Rubs eye, chin or temples.
• Tears the earlobe.
• Scratches the neck or pulls back the collar.