The husband is afraid to have a second child. The husband does not want a second child: ways to solve the problem

Some time after the birth of the first child, many families think about the birth of a second child. And rightly so, because children with a small age difference are always closer to each other, and parents are full of strength to raise and educate both. When both parents consider the completion of the family is quite natural, it's just wonderful. But what if dad is against it?

A situation in which a woman dreams of replenishing the family, but her husband does not want this, is, unfortunately, not rare. Sometimes a woman encounters indifference or even irritation and anger from her husband. And if the pregnancy has already occurred, he insists on an abortion.

If the husband does not want a second child - what to do, why does not want to? How to convince a man, to persuade him? Let's figure it out together:

Why is the husband against?

In such a situation, one should not put pressure on a man, all the more so to use emotions, which in this case are unlikely to help. Try to find out the reason for his unwillingness to become a father a second time, talk to him frankly. Psychologists name many possible reasons. Let's dwell on the most common:

Financial situation

He is simply afraid that the family will no longer have enough money, especially if the family is not rich anyway. After all, children need to be fed, dressed, shoes, bought toys, collected for school, but you never know what the family needs.

In addition, the first-born is still small, the wife does not work. The man is seriously afraid that there will not be enough money for a quality vacation, for some of his own hobbies. And it is more difficult to provide two children with a good education than one.

If this is the reason, before starting a conversation about a second child, wait until the end of maternity leave and go to work. If you are a housewife, then you need to find a job. This will provide additional funding. In addition, the things of the firstborn from which he grew up, his toys, etc. can become your arguments. You don't need to spend extra money for all this.

Housing issue

Unfortunately, very few young families have their own spacious housing. Most of them either rent small apartments, rooms, or live with their parents, or even with brothers and sisters. As the head of the family, a man understands that the appearance of another child will worsen already not very comfortable living conditions. Therefore, the lack of a spacious apartment, where it would be comfortable for everyone and not crowded, is a good reason against.

However, try to explain to him that while the child is small, he does not need much space. Over time, you can put a bunk bed for children, it will take up as much space as a regular one. A weighty argument can be maternity capital, which can be used to improve the living conditions of the family.

Man's age

Young men often do not want a second child, because they believe that youth is leaving, but they want to live for themselves too. They want to do everything while they are young: travel, finish or improve their education, pursue a career, and so on. And the birth of another baby can be planned "for later."

If this is the reason, tell him that it is better to raise children now, when the parents are young, they still have a lot of strength, health and energy for this. In 5-10 years, all this may no longer be. And old age is better to meet in a large family.

Fear of wife's second pregnancy

The fact is that men remember very well how the wife did not want to, and how her appearance changed. They do not forget about the sleepless nights after the birth of a child, diapers, diapers, the search for the right baby food, frequent quarrels, etc. Maybe for a woman this is not a reason, but for a man it is a strong argument.

Women often stop paying enough attention to their husbands after the birth of a child, giving all their attention and love to the baby. Men are very worried, although they may not show it. Often during this period there are love affairs on the side. In addition, many causes of male bad habits may have roots in this period.

What to do?

If he is against, do not panic and do not be upset. Start gradually preparing your loved one, step by step, day by day. Never pressure him, don't make a scene, and don't go ahead. You'll only make it worse. Moreover, do not put him before the fact of a pregnancy that has already happened - this can only aggravate the situation.

Do not lie to yourself, not to him, saying that this time you will easily go through pregnancy, cope with hormonal failure, and will not become irritated and capricious. That you will treat him as now, you yourself will get up to the baby at night and wash diapers. Do not say that you will not get fat and will carefully monitor yourself.

It is better to tell him how dear he is to you, how much you love him, that you want to give birth to a baby from him, but you just want an abstract child. Remember, you must make this important decision only together, because that's what you and the family are for.

Be patient, unobtrusively return to this issue, gently persuade. Tell us how great it is to have a big friendly family, how it will be interesting for him with children when they grow up.

If he insists on an abortion

This situation is extremely difficult for a woman. When pregnancy has come, and a man is categorically against the child and insists on an abortion, this is a real tragedy for a woman. Therefore, it is necessary to remind once again that it is necessary to plan the birth together. Then you will not have to make a terrible choice - to give birth or to kill the emerging life. Moreover, it is always worth remembering that.

You need to understand that the onset of pregnancy will not keep the husband if he does not want a child. A woman risks being left alone with two babies in her arms. But even if you have an abortion, it is unlikely to help save the family.

If your loved one insists on getting rid of pregnancy, talk to him, explain what it is and how it can affect a woman’s health, that there is a high risk of remaining childless for life. Men often do not understand the dangers of abortion, considering it a mere medical procedure, no more dangerous than going to the dentist.

Show him the results of the ultrasound, tell him that you don't want to kill a child from a loved one. Explain why abortion is dangerous for you, for your health. If he loves you, cares for you, he will definitely understand.

Try to understand that fatherhood, unlike motherhood, is not a natural instinct - it is a purely social phenomenon. Therefore, paternal feelings do not come to a man immediately. Maybe he will feel like a dad in a month after the birth of the baby, or maybe in a year or several years. Some of them don't come at all. Therefore, a lot depends on you. The right tactics, plus his feelings for you, will most likely help you convince him.

If the husband has reasons for bad habits, he suffers from cravings for alcohol or drugs, then think about whether you need a pregnancy from this person?

In conclusion of our conversation, it must be recalled that when planning a pregnancy, a woman must be sure of her state of health. must also be submitted. Therefore, if you both decide to have another child, pay attention to your immune system. Here are two popular recipes for strengthening the body's defenses, increasing its resistance to diseases:

Folk recipes to increase immunity

Grind with a blender or with a meat grinder (it is easier to use an electric one) well-washed dried fruits: figs, dried apricots, figs and raisins, which you take 50-100 g each. Add the same amount of chopped almonds or walnuts. Transfer to a jar, fill with honey to cover the surface of the mixture. Stir, store refrigerated. Eat 1-2 tbsp per day.

Eat fresh cranberries and lingonberries according to the season. Prepare fruit drinks, add leaves to tea brewing tea. Berries contain many useful substances, effectively strengthen the immune system. Be healthy and happy!

Svetlana, www.site

Denying children to a woman is a step with far-reaching consequences. Perhaps that is why the unwillingness of the spouse to infringe on their interests is manifested precisely in the case of the second child. And everything seems to be logical: there is a continuation of the family, everything is like with people, and there is no need to go through nighttime insomnia and austerity due to diapers for the second time.

About this - a letter from our reader, who wrote on [email protected] website

Photo source: pexels.com

I used to think that if a man wants children in principle, then the number does not matter anymore.

I really sympathized with my friend, whose husband has categorically refused to have a child for 6 years. And I thought to myself how lucky I was with my husband, who was never afraid of the prospect of having a baby. But a surprise awaited me...

We have a boy. I have always dreamed of a daughter

No, I love my son, but I also want to braid pigtails. It turns out that the husband got what he wanted - a son, but I can no longer.

The first excuse is "there is no money."

As if a child must be bought for big money, like a thoroughbred cat. So much left of the old one! And the stroller has not yet been sold (it is in the basement), and there is a crib, and there was no one to distribute clothes. So what, that boyish. Half will definitely pass for unisex.

I explain to him - in any. After scouring the Internet, I realized that the problem of disagreeing with a second child is much more common than simply abandoning children. But there is little consolation in this. I read the advice of psychologists on how to persuade - nothing works.

Photo source: blogspot.com

I've been pleading for a year now, but nothing has changed. No, that's it

I worried a lot, tried to justify him, to put myself in his place.

What was so bad about this period of our son's infancy that he doesn't want to go through it again? Yes, the first pregnancy was quite difficult, I had to lie a lot on conservation, take care of myself like a crystal vase ...

Therefore, in terms of intimacy, the husband ended up on dry rations for a long time. After giving birth, there was also some time not at all before that. It may well be that he does not want to be in this situation again.

But isn't a new life worth a little infringement on yourself? It turns out that it's a question of priorities.

In addition, the son was very restless from birth: he slept badly, and they ran a lot to the doctors, and his legs did not develop correctly. Now everything has improved. But in the first year, his whole life revolved around him.

For me, this is normal, but it was then that my husband began to freak out.

He had never demanded “hot freshly cooked food” from me before, in matters of everyday life he behaved quite democratically. And then suddenly he sometimes began to be offended why the food had not been boiled for his arrival. Explanations that she was engaged in a child did not satisfy.

I understand that my mother-in-law once raised him alone - she did not care for the soul. He is accustomed to all-round care ... But before all this did not apply to me.

Photo source: bravonet.ro

The more the child grew up, the more demanding the husband became.

I heard before about children's jealousy of younger brothers and sisters. But never seen an adult.

It was as if he began to compete with his young son, who was better prepared or who was stroked more.. It is clear that the son always won.

Never before have I seen a child in an adult man, but then suddenly it happened. He began to act up even in his own way. Sometimes there is a feeling that I am raising two.

This was not the case before. As if some part of the personality was revealed. I myself want to be naughty. But I can't afford it anymore.

Once I already saw something similar in the family of my girlfriend: around the first child, the husband tiptoed around, and when she was pregnant with the second, he rather endured it than jumped with happiness. And the whole burden of worries with the second baby has already fallen on her shoulders. Apparently, the male limit of over-care has dried up on the first daughter.

It turns out that earlier men took wives to give birth to more children. And now it turns out that the right to give birth still needs to be earned. I can't cheat...

In your opinion, is it easy to persuade a man to have a child? How?

Nice prices and more. 8 reasons to send your child to Italian courses at Belarusian State University

Children are a gift from above. We hear this phrase regularly. Therefore, many women want to have not one baby, but two or more. Women are by nature sentimental, energetic, quick-tempered, versatile.

They strive to create comfort in the house, to fill the house with children's laughter. Therefore, almost all women after the birth of their first child think about the birth of a second baby.

According to statistics, 60% of girls want to become a mother for the second time. But what if the husband is against the birth of a second crumb. How to persuade him, to convince him that the birth of a baby is not just another test, but a gift of fate?

In order to convince a spouse, it is initially worth finding out the reasons why he does not want to have a child.

The reasons

Psychologists identify several reasons for the reluctance of men to acquire a second baby:

1. material side. The fear of lack of money plays an important role. This is especially true for middle-income families. A man thinks that the appearance of a crumb is another huge financial investment that will not pay off in the future.

   A man mentally imagines the cost of a stroller, crib, sliders, toys, childbirth. He has a desire to abandon waste, to leave everything in its original places. After all, it is much easier to provide one than two.

2. It often happens that a woman wants replenishment or is already pregnant, but at the same time she is on maternity leave, caring for her first child. The husband has not yet had time to “depart” from the appearance of the first child, and he is already required to become a father for the second time.

   For men, this is an incredible stress, because they do not realize so quickly that they have become dads.

3. Housing problem. Many young couples do not have their own housing. They rent real estate, live with their parents, regularly listening to reproaches and discontent.

   Having learned about the desire of the wife to become pregnant, the fear arises in the head of the spouse that the situation will only get worse. There will no longer be enough money to rent housing, relations with relatives and parents will become aggravated, there will be less living space, etc.

4. Fear of having a sick baby. A man is afraid to become the father of a sick baby. Therefore, in every possible way denies the likelihood of having a second baby.
5. Age. The most common reason. According to men, the birth of a second crumb should be postponed "for the future." After all, you want to live for yourself: make a career, see the world, acquire material values.
6. Fear of the interesting position of the spouse. A man remembers constant mood swings, unimaginable gastronomic addictions of his wife at night, unwillingness to fulfill family duty.

   The fact that this will happen again scares him. He does not want to see his wife, tired, twitched with diapers and washings, unable to pay attention to him.

To solve the dilemma, psychologists advise initially to find out the cause. Knowing the reason for not wanting to become a dad a second time, you can try to persuade your husband.

Psychologist's advice:

1. The reason is in the material side: it is better for a woman to wait for an improvement in her financial situation: to find a part-time job, to return to work from the decree. Seeing that the family has enough money, the husband will talk about replenishment.

   You can tell your husband that you don’t have to spend extra money on a children’s wardrobe, buy a crib, stroller, toys. After all, this is all left from the first baby. Therefore, the expenses invented by the spouse will not come true.

2. The reason is the housing issue: explain to your spouse that the baby does not need a lot of space. Set your spouse up for positive emotions, give him hope that in the future you will have your own spacious home.
3. The reason is age: explain to your husband that it is easier to give birth at a young age. Age cannot be a reason for reluctance to replenish the family.

   It is easier to raise children when you are young, energetic, full of energy, enthusiasm. Motivate with old age, a large family, a small age difference between children. Explain that the greater the difference, the farther apart the babies will be.

4. If the reason is in the second pregnancy, talk to your spouse. Explain that you will remain a beloved, sensual woman capable of satisfying all his needs. Convince that the appearance of the crumbs will not put an end to intimacy, intimate life, mutual understanding and relaxation.
5. Fear of having a sick child. Convince your spouse that you will undergo an ultrasound scan, take tests, and be registered at the antenatal clinic.

   Invite your husband to undergo a joint examination, consult a geneticist. Having received positive test results in his hands, the man will understand that the risk of having a baby with a defect is very small.

Psychologists identify a number of actions that should never be taken in relation to men in such situations.

It is forbidden:

• Blackmail your loved one.
• Get upset.
• Go ahead, not taking into account the opinion of the spouse.
• Lie about an already completed pregnancy.
• Try to get pregnant secretly from your spouse.

It is important to talk with your loved one, to build a trusting relationship.

It is worth convincing the spouse of such assumptions:

• I want a baby from you, because you are my favorite. It will be a part of you, the fruit of shared love.
• I will become a loving wife and mother to children, able to properly organize life and joint recreation.
• Give birth at a young age. After all, then the risk of developing pathologies and difficult births in the baby increases.
• I am also afraid of difficulties, but we will cope with them, because we are a family.

If your spouse is adamant and demands an abortion, don't panic.

Explain to him that:

• Abortion causes serious consequences for the female body. You may never get pregnant again.
• The kid inside you already lives, he is alive, his heart is beating, you cannot kill him.
• The paternal instinct appears after childbirth. Only by taking the baby in your arms, you will feel like a dad, able to move mountains for a baby.

If your spouse insists on an abortion, it's up to you. Remember, a born baby will not save the family, do not keep your beloved child.

If you want a baby, and your husband is adamant, choose whether to divorce or not. Remember that the fate of a single mother is difficult. Therefore, before making a decision, weigh the pros and cons of family life in marriage.

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You look at your son and draw in your dreams how your daughter is sitting next to him. As pretty as the first-born, curly, but a girl, because you always dreamed of a daughter. And you catch yourself thinking that if your son has a brother, that's great too! Two children (or even three) is such an exciting happiness! And on this note, your iridescent mood fades, because no matter how you dream, your husband does not share your desire to have another child. How to solve a problem?

Agree on the number of children before marriage

Of course, ideally, a conversation about how many children you both want and can afford should be started even before the wedding. Coincidence in this matter is one of the most important reference points of a harmonious family life. Moreover, the conversation about future children should not take place by the way, over a cup of tea or a glass of champagne, but specifically on this topic, with the expression of opinions from both sides. And if a man grinds his teeth even at the mention of one child, and you dream of a house full of children's voices, then your chances of realizing your dreams and plans are minimal. This is very serious and important, and you should think about whether you have chosen the right man.

Manipulation

On women's forums in the topics “I want a second child, but my husband is against it,” a lot of readers are in favor of conceiving a second child by cunning. “Does he know how to calculate your safe days,” writes N., “put on a transparent robe and tell him that today you can go without a condom.” “Cry to him that the neighbors’ child has died, and it’s too late for them to give birth to another. And if they had given birth 15 years ago, now they wouldn’t be left alone, ”K echoes her. These tips are monstrous - both for men who are not ready for the birth of another family member, and for the women themselves, who are persuaded to lie to their husband. Of course, with the help of various female tricks and tricks, you can easily put your husband to bed, and far from against his will. But think about the mood with which he will perceive the news of an unwanted and, moreover, fraudulent pregnancy? Perhaps you will say that a husband can be persuaded. Let's think about it.

persuasion

I understand persuasion as persistently manipulative permanent whining with arguments: “Look, Petrenko has three wonderful boys, and our Vanya is always alone!”, “We will grow old, Lenochka will leave, and who will give us a glass of water?” This argument is not convincing - usually a woman does not realize how aggressive her stubbornness is in its essence. Whining is a bad helper, aggression even more so. Persuading a husband is a hopeless and thankless task. No, of course, in the end, he can give up, especially if your style of communication with him is directive and dominant. But, tell me, do you understand the underlying reason for his refusal, besides the standard “I don’t want to”? Maybe you should talk frankly and understand what scares your husband so much?

Come to an understanding

Financial instability is the most common argument for men who refuse to become fathers again. And this is so - in our time, in our country it is difficult to be sure of the future, and your man, rather, takes care of his family, refusing to give birth to another baby than selfishness. Or maybe he is just afraid of repeating the experience with the first child, who was often sick? Men are very sensitive to such things, often even more so than women. It is possible that in his mind there is an installation that the family is only a husband, wife and one child for complete happiness. And only the only child in the family can receive full benefits - the attention of parents, quality education, good rest, and by sharing this with another, he will be infringed.

There is another category of men who, having once tasted all the delights of fatherhood, believe that the child has become their competitor, drawing all the attention of his wife to himself. But what can you do if it exists? Let him grow up, someday he will become an adult, and the woman will again become completely owned by him, the man, so the second - no, no way!

It is possible that a man simply fears for the life of his wife and hypothetical child - this happens if the experience of the first birth was traumatic or even life-threatening. This woman, even having been on the verge of life and death, will not stop at a new threat if she really wants to have another child. Men are much more cowardly in this respect. Yes Yes.

Therefore, try to understand him, to hear with your heart, and then there is a possibility that he will listen to your desires and arguments.

Weighty argumentation

What will happen to our child when we are gone? Yes, he will have his own family and children, but after all, having a person close in parental blood is a great happiness! A person must have a brother or sister, because the family may not work out, who to turn to for support, if not to a loved one with whom childhood was passed? Such an argument may well convince a man, if, of course, he is not a complete egoist.

You can also appeal to your husband with the fact that time is passing, we are not getting younger, and if there are chances to give birth to a healthy baby at the age of 30-35-40, then later it will become much more difficult to do this.

If you are afraid of financial difficulties, you can try to carefully study all possible injections into your family budget, including government assistance, your ability to work while on maternity leave, or even vice versa. If your husband’s work is not going well (and this is his only argument against it), and you are quite capable of supporting your family, then why not switch roles – temporarily, of course? He is with the children, and you are in the office. A lot of families find a way out of the situation in this way, without making a tragedy out of it.

But what if it doesn't?

So no. A family is an interaction of partners that involves mutual concessions, and if he does not give in, you will have to do it. The birth of children is too serious and delicate a matter to stomp your foot and do your own thing. Well, and more. If the closest person is deaf to your feelings, then this is an occasion to think about your relationship - is everything in them all right?

Have you faced a similar situation? How, in your opinion, can the conflict be resolved when the husband is categorically against the birth of another baby?

Having remarried, some women are faced with a problem - the second husband does not want a child, or rather does not agree to a joint child with his new wife, but does not refuse the existing one. What to do? If the second husband does not want a second child, what do psychologists say about this? Today we’ll talk about this topic, consider what recommendations psychologists give to girls in this situation, if she wants to become a mother again, and her husband is against it. Are agreements allowed here? How to come to a compromise with your spouse?

Reasons for not wanting a husband to have a second child

If a girl turns to a psychologist, then the first recommendation that will be given to her is to find out the reason why her husband does not want a child. What's on your spouse's mind? The psychologist will also advise the woman to understand herself - what drives her desire to give birth again. If her urges are related to the maternal instinct, she loves children, then these are true desires. If a girl decides to become a mother again because she wants to bind a new spouse to herself, this is a fundamentally wrong view.

What are the reasons for not wanting to have children again in men, what do psychologists say about this?

1. A man is not completely sure that the new companion is the same woman with whom he is ready to live all his life.
2. The spouse does not want to take the relationship to a deeper level.
3. A man is held back by his social status and lack of confidence in material well-being, lack of his own housing or poor living conditions.
4. The priority of the spouse is the desire to enjoy life.
5. He is afraid to take responsibility.
6. He is afraid of being manipulated by his new wife.
7. Does not want relatives to interfere in their family with the advent of a child.
8. A young man is afraid that his wife will lose attractiveness.
9. Feels fear that the companion will devote all her time to the child.
10. A man realizes that his new wife does not really want to have children, but only wants to use the baby to bind her husband to her.
11. The man already has children from his first marriage.
12. The first wife was not a very good mother for his children.

Is it worth sounding the alarm?

Psychologists say that women and men react differently to the news of the birth of a baby. Girls are naturally endowed to one degree or another with a maternal instinct, while the representatives of the stronger sex do not have it. According to statistics, 93 percent of guys react negatively to the proposal of a companion to become parents. That is why psychologists advise ladies not to aggravate the situation with persuasion, tantrums and whims. By such actions, you can only achieve a break in relations. But what to do if the second husband does not want a second child?

What if you surprise your husband?

Seeing that the spouse avoids the topic of the second child or speaks out categorically about this, some girls arrange a “surprise” for their husbands in the form of an unexpected pregnancy. Of course, there are situations when force majeure occurs, but this is not the point. Conscious attempts to get pregnant without the consent of the spouse can have sad consequences.

A man in very rare cases may be happy with the news that he will become a father. Instead, a different reaction is more common - the guy experiences stress, and sometimes even a severe neurotic disorder. As a result of such a “surprise”, sexual relations with the spouse may be disrupted, and in the future lead to a break in relations. Some husbands, after experiencing shock, take contraceptive methods more seriously.

Psychologist's advice - how to encourage a man to become a father again?

1. Find out the reason that stops him.
2. Tell us about a familiar family where another baby has recently appeared, watch the reaction of your husband.
3. Do not insist, do not persuade.
4. Communicate more with large families.
5. Indirectly mention the positive aspects of fatherhood.
6. Be a good mother to your existing child (if you have one from your first marriage).

Psychologists advise to indirectly mention children, their appearance and upbringing, and not directly. From the point of view of psychology, indirect speech, not addressed to someone directly, reaches the subconscious, while persuasion and reproaches enter the consciousness, where they are immediately rejected. It's like forbidding a child to take some object, the request will be fulfilled exactly the opposite. If you put pressure on a man, his consciousness will perceive it negatively. It is necessary to outwit his mind, giving indirect instructions, linking fatherhood only with positive emotions, experience and positive. The spouse needs time for his subconscious to review his own attitudes that prevent him from having children again.

Perhaps, somewhere in the depths of his soul, the husband would like to become a father again, but circumstances interfere with him. A girl must understand that financial responsibility always falls on men's shoulders. The spouse needs to prepare the ground for stabilizing the financial situation, take care of proper living conditions. Give him some time. If the situation does not change, it is up to you to decide how to live on - either with him, but without procreation, or leave and try to create a family where you can again become a happy mother.

The desires and true motives of all people are different, consider this. A spouse has the right not to want more children, regardless of the reasons that drive him. Set your own priorities - what is more important to you. If you cannot imagine life without children running around the house, and the desires of your spouse do not coincide with yours, it is better to leave quickly than to regret the wrong choice all your life.